The F Word: EP #16

Still mysteriously absent, is the middle-aged emcee, Winston Winfield. While no explanation is given for this absence, the live audience does not seem to mind as Bambi and Candy Swallows have stepped up to his microphone to introduce Julius in their own seductive and jiggly manner.

BAMBI: It’s time for The F Word with Julius Fairweather! *tee hee*

CANDY: So without further ado, please welcome the host of the show; *giggle*

BAMBI: He’s The Weatherman…

CANDY: The Shepherd of Lost Souls…

BAMBI: The Gatekeeper of Fallout…

CANDY: And a Bad Motherfucker…

BAMBI AND CANDY: Julius Fairweather!!!

The stage’s golden curtains are violently tossed aside as Julius makes his entrance with a wide smile upon his face. He makes his way toward the two young ladies and takes turns kissing the backs of their hands, before stepping between them with his arms around their shoulders. With a simple gesture of his head, the camera follows his movement across the stage to where his desk and sofa await. Julius gives each of the twins a pat on the backside as he steps behind his desk, sending them toward their stripper pole in the background. He then takes his seat, and still beaming with his large grin, he welcomes his audience to the show.

JULIUS: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

AUDIENCE: Konnichiwa, Julius!

JULIUS: Aw yeah, you motherfuckers in Japan are all the way live tonight! That’s a damn good thing too, cause we’ve got one hell of a show! We won’t have any of that melancholy bullshit like last time, cause my boy Jason Long is back among the land of the living! His zombie ass survived being treated like a pin cushion at the hands of the recently revealed Arik Holt, so the only moment of silence we’re gonna have will be for that little magic man after Savannah Sunshine gets a hold of him!

JULIUS: I guess we could take a moment to mourn Mark Kelly and Will Riley since Ozy-my man-dias buried them at sea last week, but I didn’t know those motherfuckers that well to begin with! So instead of focusing my valuable time on those who are no longer with us, I say we get right into the motherfucking show with a brand new Viewer’s Verse!



JULIUS: As you all know, I have a standing rule on The F Word about not having guests make appearances. After all, you motherfuckers get to see me and that should be more than enough. But it is my motherfucking show, so I can break my own rules if I damn well feel like it. That’s why I’ve got a very special guest here to read some of his hand-written poetry. At one time, this motherfucker used to hate my show so much that he had the balls to say The Edge was a better program. He even took shit so far as to burn off my beautiful afro. Only now, this motherfucker has seen the light and has agreed to be my special motherfucking guest! Please welcome to the stage...my mortal enemy and my tag team partner...The Messiah of Fire himself...PYRO!!!

Leo Moracchioli’s metal cover of “Firestarter” plays as the lights in the studio dim and curtains on the stage part. Suddenly, there are two bursts of flame on the stage, as Pyro steps between on his way to the microphone. With his horror-themed mask covering his face and his tattooed chest bare for all to see, he takes the microphone stand in his hands. The music slowly fades away, and as the crowd grows silent, unsure of what to expect from this maniac, he begins to speak in a soft tone...

Pyro then bows his masked head in silence, as the crowd attempts to process what they’ve just heard. Slowly, and gradually building with intensity, they begin to applaud his efforts. Moments later, he is joined on the stage by Julius, who is wiping a non-existent tear from his eye.

JULIUS: Motherfucker, that might just be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. As a man who respects the old adage of one good turn deserves another, I’ve prepared my own verse to accompany yours.

The crowd once again falls silent as Julius takes hold of the microphone to deliver his own ode to his tag team partner.

The crowd once again shows their appreciation as Pyro nods his masked head. Finally, the two men give each other a fist bump before Julius continues.

JULIUS: I’m gonna have this motherfucker stick around and hang out on Winston’s couch, cause I don’t trust him running around backstage with flammable materials. So don’t you dare go anywhere, cause Fire and Ice will be back with more of The F Word after this commercial break!

NARRATOR: From the creators of Savannah Sunshine’s special edition of Candyland, comes the newest board game for the whole family! It’s Project: Honor Operation featuring Jason Long and Arik Holt! Will Arik be able to save Jason from a case of the butterflies in his tummy, or will he leave him dead on the operating table? Now you can decide!



JULIUS: Welcome back to The F Word, motherfuckers! I’m still playing with my Savannah Sunshine Adult version of Candyland, but I might find the time to practice a little surgery on Jason Long! If nothing else, maybe this week’s episode will cure that motherfucker’s broken funny bone! But this ain’t the time for funny stuff now; it’s time for my Fab Four!


JULIUS: We saw all kinds of crazy shit last week, but not all of it took place in the ring! My Fab Four might just reflect some of those crazy shenanigans this week. What do you think about that, Pyro?

Julius turns to his right as the camera pulls back, revealing Pyro sitting on the sofa where Winston Winfield would normally be. His horror mask has been removed, allowing us to see the disturbing smile emerging on his face.

PYRO: Burn them all…

JULIUS: First up, we’ve got one of Fallout’s newest faces, who just also happens to be the new Ascension Champion! I’m very familiar with Slade Castle’s history on the underground fighting scene back in Detroit, and now that motherfucker is bringing those skills to Project: Honor. If taking the title away from someone as talented as Leslie Adora doesn’t open some eyes around here, I don’t know what will! Of course winning the Ascension Championship and hanging onto it are two different things. Slade’s already got a tough challenge ahead of him next week, but if he manages to hold onto that gold, he’ll be one of the few who’s able to say that he’s walking into Project: Honor’s biggest Pay-Per-View of the year as a champion! Because of that elite distinction, he’s just made my Fab Four!

PYRO: Congrats, motherfucker.

JULIUS: ...that's my line...

JULIUS: Next up, we’ve got a familiar face from the land of Proving Ground, but that wasn’t the only place Mark Hunter was showing his face last week! He made a guest appearance on Fallout first to hear out Christian DeMarco’s bid for him to join the green team at Night of Honor. Instead, that motherfucker tried kicking DeMarco’s face off! Then, he finished up his week with a main event victory over the number one contender to The Grand Championship, Cadillac Jackson. There may have been some crazy shit happening in that main event that I’ll cover a little bit later, but it was still a big win nonetheless. So because of a win that reminded the roster just what Mark Hunter’s all about and for leading the members of Team Proving Ground by example, you’ve just made my Fab Four!

PYRO: Congratulations, motherfucker.

JULIUS: ...alright, I guess it can be your thing this week...

JULIUS: Next up are a pair of new faces to The Fab Four and they happen to belong to a pair of motherfuckers that Pyro and I have been keeping our eyes on. Lazarus Arjen and Charon Seede had a big win on Fallout last week by beating two other teams, even if those teams weren’t quite up to the level of motherfuckers like Pyro and myself. Not only did they continue on their winning ways in the tag division, but then they showed up on Proving Ground to give Mark Hunter a little payback for the way he treated Christian DeMarco. Looks to me like the members of Massacre are on Team Fallout, and that’s not a bad thing if you’re a member of the green brand. So while they may not have been tested by the best teams just yet, Lazarus and Charon still represented themselves pretty damn well, and for that they’ve made my Fab Four!

PYRO: Hmph. Congrats for now, motherfuckers.



JULIUS: Last but not least, Proving Ground’s Grand Champion makes this week’s list for a couple of reasons. First of all, he didn’t just win his match against a single opponent, but he won that match against two motherfuckers at the same time! That alone was pretty damn impressive, and if I were Cadillac Jackson, I’d be coming up with some heavy duty plans before facing that big bastard at Night of Honor. Of course, Ozy wasn’t content to just win his Handicap Match. He had to come back at the end of the night when Cadillac was on the verge of hitting a big move on Mark Hunter in the main event. Ozymandias made it rain inside that arena like a motherfucking typhoon, and that was enough of a distraction to help Mark Hunter take the big win. So for treating two dudes like a minor annoyance and making his presence felt in the main event, you’ve just made my Fab Four!

PYRO: Congratulations, motherfucker.

The graphics fade from the screen and focus on Julius once again.

JULIUS: So there you have it, motherfuckers! That’s my Fab Four for this week, and if you don’t like it, take your asses to the ring and do something about it! For now, don’t you dare move, cause we’ll be right back with this week’s F Grade after some words from this very special sponsor!



NARRATOR: The wait is nearly over! Miami’s hottest nightclub and restaurant is about to open its doors, and you’re going to want to be there to see it for yourself! This three-floor state-of-the-art building features the best in dining, dancing, and poor decisions that one establishment can offer! To celebrate its grand opening, we are pleased to grant this sneak peek of our menu to the viewers of The F Word!




Thorberg Salad - Pickled Herring served on a bed of Iceberg lettuce.

Leslie Adora’s Light Side Salad - Tossed romaine, carrots, cucumbers, red cabbage, shredded cheddar, grilled chicken breast strips, croutons, and your choice of light salad dressing. Don’t forget to say grace!

Pyro’s Twice Baked Potatoes - Yukon Gold baked potato topped with chipotle sour cream, chives, burnt beef tips, and smokey cheddar cheese.

Lil’ Cocktail Petey's - All natural beef mini franks served in our signature Big Drip BBQ Sauce. Goes great with a chocolate Milfshake!

Calamari de Ozymandias - Fresh caught and lightly breaded squid that will have you speaking in tongues.

Lance Williams’ Essence of Edamame - Want to admire your healthy figure when you look in a mirror? Eat these roasted soybeans served with olive oil and sea salt.

Slayer of the Street Tacos - Marinated pulled pork topped with coleslaw in a tortilla shell. Served with splashes of bright red tabasco that will make you go 'AAARRRGHHH'!
The Valkyrie Vegan Platter - An assortment of fresh vegetables served with our vegan ranch. So much like a regular ranch that you’ll think you’ve died and gone to Valhalla!




Julius Fairweather’s Royale with Cheese - Our signature ¼ pound Angus beef hamburger with your choice of Cheddar, American, Swiss, Provolone, Pepperjack, or Blue Cheese. Add some Bianca McBacon for a modest price upgrade! Mmm, that is a tasty burger!

Big Drip Beef Hips - From the most tender part of the cow! Servings so big that you’ll appreciate the junk that cow had in its trunk!

Rapture’s Short Ribs - Slow roasted baby back ribs served with our signature Big Drip BBQ Sauce. No knife needed!

Oasis Surf and Turf - An 12 oz. Ribey cooked to order, with your choice of shrimp or crab legs. Served with TJ Tots and our top secret Yung Sauce to compliment both beef and seafood.

Serrano’s Spicy Sea Bass - Roasted Sea Bass stuffed with a mix of 12 peppers and served on a flip flop.

Rock Johnson Lobster - Rock Lobster fresh from the North Atlantic, served with melted butter and Mr. Johnson’s homemade strudel.

The Luxury Experience - Filet Mignon cooked to order and served with roasted baby red potatoes and asparagus spears! Spears! Spears!

KaChow KaBobs - Your choice of beef, pork, chicken, or shrimp, fire roasted with a fresh blend of fruits and vegetables and an obnoxiously good teriyaki glaze.

Steak DeMarco - Tenderized steak medallions served rare alongside our gimmicked mashed potatoes.

Arata Asacurry Chicken - Malaysian Red Curry Chicken served on a bed of white rice with fresh slices of lime. You’re not worthy of this dish, Gaijin dog!

Goodbye Earl! - Hey boy! It’s a center cut pork chop stuffed with chitlins and grits!

Jormungandr and Cheese - Large Swindle shells stuffed with a blend of chorizo, grilled peppers, and onions. Served with a side of Jay Crowley’s Damned Artichoke Hearts and smothered in fromunda cheese.

Angelo Bolognese - Angel hair pasta topped with our homemade bolognese made from the freshest vegetables. Add your choice of meatballs, Italian Sausage, or Caito Salami.

The Meat Massacre - A combination of deli sliced ham, turkey, and roast beef, with layers of provolone, cheddar, and swiss, topped with bacon and our spicy Lazarus Sauce that could bring the dead back to life! Served on a Charon Seede bun.

Ratman Ratatouille - From the sewers to sous chef, Percival Burque’s blend of stewed Mediterranean vegetables will have you seeing the Rat-Man in a new light.




John Blade’s ‘You Can’t Eat This’ Chocolate Cake - Three tiered slice of rich triple chocolate cake with fudge icing and garnished with chocolate covered cherries. Don’t forget to add deez nuts!

Indy Dumplings - Homemade pastry stuffed with baked cinnamon apples and served with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. As basic as a dessert can get.

Syndicate’s Synful Skillet - Chocolate Chip and Peanut Butter cookie served in a sizzling hot skillet and topped with vanilla ice cream and melted caramel.

Havoc’s Blood Orange Mango Tart - Fresh from the oven, this fruit tart will have you tapping out.




Savannah’s Tequila Sunshine - Orange juice, Redd’s Grenadine, and double the Tequila to help you forget that it’s all your fault.

The Straight Shooter - A large shot of amaretto, orange juice, sloe gin, and Southern Comfort. After a few of these you’ll tell your dinner companions exactly what you think of them, even if you are a nice guy at heart.

Backyardigan Boilermaker - A pitcher of our pale blonde ale with 3 shots of Jack Daniels. You’ll feel no pain in no time.

Jason Long Island Iced Tea - Vodka, Rum, Gin, Tequila, Triple Sec, and sour mix served in an oddly square-shaped glass.

The Shining Star - Triple Sec, Malibu Rum, Peach Schnapps, Pineapple Juice, and Grenadine garnished with cherries, limes, oranges, gold flakes, and those cute little umbrellas. Sexy yet deadly.

Skol! - Our home brewed mead, with fermented honey, citrus, spices, hops, and the tears of our enemies.

The Hoeski - A blend of all our White Claw flavors served in a fishbowl with 4 straws.

Captain Ackerman - passion fruit juice, sweet and sour mix, Captain Ackerman Spiced Rum, and Captain Ackerman Dark Rum.

The Absolute - Absolut Vodka, Lime Juice, and Ginger Beer served on the rocks in a brass mug with the face of Levi Kirstein etched on the side.

Elena’s DeDecadence - Dessert and a drink all in one! RumChata, 360 Chocolate Vodka, and Kahluha. Topped off with whipped cream, chocolate shavings, and a cherry on top. This one can’t be beat!




Caden Young’s Quesadilla - Kid’s sized cheese quesadilla with a side of Ace Sky Fries! Make it Spicerack style with fresh peppers!

Hendrix’s Head of the Kid’s Table - Grilled Cheese sandwich with a side of Ace Sky Fries! Praise this classic kid’s dish!

Arik’s Magic Mac n’ Cheese - Creamy cheddar cheese and pasta shells with a side of Ace Sky Fries! It will disappear so fast that you’ll be seeing Redd!

Pat’s Portabella Burger - The healthy choice for your plump little porker! Served with Ace Sky Fries! (supplies are limited due to slow delivery)

Fenix Fingers - Breaded white meat chicken tenders served with Ace Sky Fries! These fingers are too good to dip in Big Drip BBQ sauce!

*Caden Young, Brandon Hendrix, Arik Holt, Pat the Postman, or Tara Fenix will perform magic acts at your table when ordering one of these kids’ menu items on Tuesday Nights during months that end in ‘ber’!**
**In the event that these stars are unavailable, your child will receive an autographed 8x10 of Trey Booker and J.T. Price.***
***In the event that we run out of autographed 8x10’s, Timothy Daniels will babysit your children in the restaurant between the hours of 7 and 10 PM.





When we return from break, Julius and Pyro are staring at the camera with a pair of dumbfounded expressions.

JULIUS: Did that guy come up with the menu? I mean, I’m down with the Royale with Cheese, but my main man gets the tater skins named after him? Damn it, Carl...

PYRO: I hope Rock Johnson has insurance in case the place burns down…

JULIUS: I’d put Carl Stevens in my F Grade if I didn’t already have a pair of motherfuckers picked out. Maybe they’ll make up for it with some sexy ladies on that dance floor. Until we find out for sure...I’m sticking with these F Grade earning mother fuckers...


JULIUS: That’s right, this week I’m putting two motherfuckers in my F Grade! First off, we’ve got the swerve of the motherfucking century with Arik Holt revealing himself to be a Candyland-obsessed nut job! The mask of Redd came off last week, and Arik stood revealed as the man behind the attempted murder of Jason Long! Not only that, but the little motherfucker can talk too! Next we’re gonna find out that he’s been wearing a bald cap for the past six months and that he’s really got a better afro than I could ever grow!

JULIUS: As if listening to that formerly mute motherfucker wasn’t bad enough, we had to listen to more KaChow than anyone should ever be subjected to! That little motherfucker spent half of Proving Ground trying to get signatures for his little petition, and in the process he got more screen time than anyone else on the roster! Not only that, but these two little motherfuckers made a co-appearance when Arik signed KaChow’s petition! I have had it up to here with these motherfucking wannabe Assistant General Managers on my motherfucking Project: Honor programming!

JULIUS: Arik, you should have stayed in your motherfucking lane, making your funny little comments on your whiteboard and getting Christain DeMarco his coffee! When Savannah Sunshine gets her hands on you, you’re gonna wish Rock Johnson could fire your ass! As for KaChow, you need to go back to those cute little interviews, cause sooner or later, Caden Young is gonna be back to put you in your place! These power play schemes are gonna backfire on both of your asses sooner or later, and when they do, I’ll be watching shit go down with a big motherfucking smile on my face!

The graphics fade so that we can see Julius giving the camera a bug-eyed stare, complete with flaring nostrils. Pyro is still seated nearby on the sofa, with a much more calm expression than his tag team partner.

PYRO: Have you ever thought about talking with someone about your anger?

Julius spins his head toward Pyro so fast that it wouldn’t be surprising if he had given himself whiplash.

JULIUS: Have you ever thought about talking with someone about minding your own fucking business?

Pyro lets out a sigh and shakes his head.

PYRO: We’re gonna end up fighting again, aren’t we?

Julius considers that possibility for a moment as he gradually begins to calm down.

JULIUS: Nah, my brother! We cool! I’m gonna save that shit for Fallout! As for Arik Holt and Larry KaChow, I hope you motherfuckers enjoy your well-deserved F Grades! I’d like to think you’ve both learned your lesson and we won’t see you here again, but I think we all know you’ll be back sooner or later. And speaking of being back, we’ll be right back after this commercial break!


NARRATOR: At The Cheesecake Factory, we pride ourselves on having something for everyone. Now, we’re offering you even more than before! For a limited time only, we are proud to announce that select locations will be serving decadent desserts from the British Raven Bakery! So if our cheesecake isn’t enough to fulfill your heart’s desire, maybe you can get what you deserve from the one and only Elena DeDraca! Her sweet treats cannot be beat! So turn the other cheek and join us at The Cheesecake Factory tonight!


JULIUS: Welcome back to The F Word! We’ve had more fun than a barrel of motherfucking monkeys so far, but we’re just about out of time for this week. That means it’s time for our final segment and this week, the letter F stands for…

PYRO: FIRE!!!

fire
    [ˈfī(ə)r]

        NOUN

            combustion or burning, in which substances combine chemically with oxygen from the air and typically give out bright light, heat, and smoke.

                "his house was destroyed by fire"


JULIUS: Motherfucker...I think I already used that word…

PYRO: Fire is the cleansing element that takes the useless carcasses of your opponents and can either turn them into something useful or rid you of them forever! I set that motherfucker behind the desk on fire more times than I can count, and now he’s my tag team partner! Through the beautiful touch of the raging inferno, he went from being useless to me to becoming one of the few people I’d trust to watch my back!

JULIUS: ...I was gonna go with the word Falsiloquence and talk about Arik some more. Why don’t we compromise and say the Letter F stands for…

PYRO: FLAMES!


flame
    [flām]

        NOUN

            flames (plural noun)

                a hot glowing body of ignited gas that is generated by something on fire.

                    "a sheet of flame blocked my escape"

PYRO: The metaphorical flames inside of my dark, black soul still burn hotter than the brightest star in the universe, but I also understand the icy cold touch of outer space that those stars can’t heat. Without that cold darkness, fire would lose all of its meaning. That is why the team of Fire and Ice is truly unbeatable!

JULIUS: ...did you just call me the cold darkness…?

PYRO: While Julius and I have discovered and embraced our differences and the flames of hate that they create, I can’t help but wonder if the rest of you feel that same burning desire for pain and suffering. Ask yourselves if you have those flames burning inside, if you’re willing to walk through the flames to achieve your goals, if you’re able to endure the melting of your skin and the smell of your burning flesh…

JULIUS: ...you’re not coming back next week. For now, I think the Letter F should stand for...

PYRO: ABLAZE!

JULIUS: ...that shit doesn’t start with F…

ablaze
    [əˈblāz]

        ADJECTIVE

            burning fiercely.

                "his clothes were ablaze" 

PYRO: Together, Fire and Ice will set Project: Honor ablaze with our hatred, not only for each other but for all of you as well...

JULIUS: Okay, motherfucker, I’ve gotta cut you off right there. We’re running out of time so let’s just cut our promo later this week, okay? For The Swallows Twins and Pyro, this is Julius Fairweather telling you all to be cool or be gone…

The camera begins to pull back and we can see that Pyro is still talking despite his microphone being cut off. As Julius stares at his tag team partner with a bemused expression, the outro song begins to play and the credits start to roll...



If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:


And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.