Post by ttthet on Aug 11, 2021 17:28:39 GMT -5
Our scene starts on the streets of Indonesia. TJ Thompson is once again in front of his camera crew explaining what he's doing.
TJ Thompson: Ayo! We're out here in Indonesia...because I'm contractually obligated to be here. But also because I'm starting my new YouTube series! I have to travel for this wrestling shit anyway. I'm gonna call it...Travelling with TJ! And today we're in Indonesia! It's 2am. Peak fiending hours, but don't worry. I've got the goated tour guide to show me around. He'll keep me from dying! Hopefully. But Cameraman Jeff is on his own.
Cameraman Jeff: Rude.
TJ Thompson: Cameramen don't talk!
TJ finishes his sentence as his tour guide, the goat Nobi walks into the scene.
Nobi: I am here. 😎
TJ Thompson: Ayy, he's here! My chances of getting shanked just went down. A lot. Because we all know that Nobi runs these streets. He's a pimp.
Nobi: And don't you forget it! Or you won't like the scenario that comes after…
TJ Thompson: ...Okay! I'll make sure to not force you to make some unkind scenario about me. That's like my worst nightmare. Other than being swallowed by a whale and drowning in his stomach acid. But this is pretty bad too! But anywaaaaaay, where are you gonna take me, bro?!?
Nobi: All my favorite joints in the city! I'll show you where I do my immense pimping. I'll show you where I get my fast food. And where to get the hoes-
TJ Thompson: We'll see if that last one is necessary! I bet Gerald would be interested. For totally child-friendly reasons. He's a giraffe for the people.
Nobi: I'm sure I can find some giraffe hoes for him too! If I can't, someone will pay. In unhealthy food. And blood. Let's go!
TJ gets in Nobi's car and they drive off to their first stop. The car twists and turns through the skinny streets until they reach a small office building. They get out of the car and go inside, where they see a boxing match taking place. Fans cheer and wave money around.
Nobi: This is where I run my underground boxing fights! Look at that guy! He's getting his ass beat! And he deserves it too! 🙈
TJ Thompson: Why, what did he do?
Nobi: That son of a bitch didn't have my money! I gave him three weeks, but his broke ass used it on fried chicken! I took his fried chicken and had my people throw him in here. That'll teach him a lesson. This is where I put all the people that owe me money!
TJ Thompson: Do you ever get it back?
Nobi: Nah. But I get it back in ticket sales! And satisfaction at seeing people eaten by lions. After getting punched in the face.
TJ Thompson: I see! Remind me to never take a loan out from you. Ever. But there you go! If you ever want cheap entertainment, this is the place to be! Is it a little unethical? I guess so. But I'm sure this guy had it coming! He owed Nobi money. And spent that shit on chicken. What a dumbass! I would never!
Man In Debt: Help! Please, have mercy! I had to feed my family! I'm not a bad person! HEEEEEEELP!!!
As soon as he said the word family, a bald man jumped out of the crowd and made a beeline for Nobi. A mariachi band plays.
TJ Thompson: Is that...Dom Toretto?!?
Dom Toretto: NOTHING IS WORTH MORE THAN FAMILY! LET THAT MAN GO!
Nobi: Maybe we should get out of here.
Nobi and TJ make a run for it and squeal off to the next stop. They drive for a while before reaching a warehouse. They get out and enter to see a wall of security camera feeds and a bookshelf full of books.
Nobi: This is where I keep tabs on every single person that I've ever met since birth! 😎
TJ Thompson: That's...not creepy at all! Am I on one of those screens?
Nobi: Yep! You, your giraffe and your entire family! I need to know every single detail about your life. I write everything down in those books over there! That way, I have leverage in case I ever need it. Also for conversation starters!
TJ Thompson: Goddamm, the things you've seen...how are you not scarred for life? Even I'M scarred for life!
Nobi: That's nothing! I've seen Lil Petey when he's down bad. I've seen murder. I've seen fights. I've seen awkward dates. There's NOTHING worse than Petey when he hasn't made eye contact with a female in weeks. :/
TJ Thompson: Ugh...I don't wanna imagine. Hey, look over there! What's happening on that screen! Is that...Gerald?
TJ and Nobi go to investigate a particular screen where they see Gerald the Giraffe sneaking into the giraffe enclosure at the Indonesia Zoo. The other giraffes seem to celebrate when they see him.
TJ Thompson: All those pregnant giraffes around the world suddenly make sense now. Goddamn, my boy is getting play! The next generation of giraffes is gonna have half of his DNA!
Nobi: That's nothing! Once a girl asked me to come to a hotel with her! 😎
TJ Thompson: Oh shit! What did you say?
Nobi: I said no. I have no time for these hoes. 😎
TJ Thompson: Fair enough! More for Gerald, am I right? Well, guys, I don't really think this is an open destination for tourists. But if you somehow find it, come on in! See what every single person in the entire world is up to! Read his library of random shit people do! But you probably shouldn't take any pictures. That's just weird, man. Let's move onto our final spot!
TJ and Nobi get into the car and pull up to a KFC.
TJ Thompson: Are we stopping for a snack or something?
Nobi: Nope! This is it! Fine dining! 😎 I eat KFC almost every day but never gain any weight. Probably because I'm a god. It's a lifestyle! You wouldn't understand until now. Because I'm gonna show you!
TJ Thompson: I've had KFC before! I'm no amateur!
Nobi: But you've never had it like me! It's not just a fast food place! It's like heaven! It's where you go after a long hard day pimping. It's what you eat to get energy for a long day of collecting debts. Come on!
TJ and Nobi order food. While they wait, they're approached by a trio of crackheads.
Crackhead #1: Hey, did you guys order food? It would be a shame if someone just...took it!
Crackhead #2: Hand it over, boys! Unless you want someone to get hurt! My friends here don't like to wait!
Crackhead #3: I know karate! I'm gonna fuck y'all up!
The food arrives but Nobi stops TJ from handing it over.
Nobi: I'll take care of these clowns…
Nobi cracks his knuckles, but stops when his phone alarm beeps. He checks it and gives TJ a sheepish look.
Nobi: I gotta go! Doraemon is on in five minutes! Good luck with those crackheads! Hope you had fun! Bye! 🙈
TJ Thompson: WAIT!!!
Nobi speeds off on his own in the car, leaving TJ alone with the KFC crackheads. TJ tosses the food at them and runs for his life, but realizes his ride is gone.
TJ Thompson: NOOOO!!!
TJ shoves his cameraman at the crackheads and keeps running. The scene quickly cuts to black.
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As you can see, I’m not dead! I had a close call with Ozy back there. Maybe he could use a Snickers. He’s not him when he’s hungry! Totally not paid to say that! I also had a close call with those crackheads, but I’m alive! Cameraman Jeff sure made a good distraction. He screams a lot! He could be an opera singer or some shit. Man, I really spent more time talking about my match than I did in the actual ring. But I guess that’s good! We made quick work of those hoes! And it’s not gonna get any better for them after we jobbed them out. Aiden is gone...and Mark is getting fed to Ozy. Yikes. That’s not good...but it doesn’t really matter to me! I’d say Proving Ground was a success! When I wasn’t running for my life from a tall spooky guy with a mask, I had a pretty good time! We saw memories of shit that happened a long time ago! We saw my only meaningful win in this company! And...we saw me lose too. I don’t really wanna talk about that last one...but yeah! Let’s pretend that I won everything and move on. I won my match! Petey has his title shot! And he didn’t even eat the pin in the main event! That’s basically a win to some people, by the way they talk.
But we gotta move on! Your boy is back in another tag match, but this time there’s a third member invading the squad. The second Viking in PH history gets the great honour to team with me and Sauce! Against Arata and a couple of jobbers! Do I know anything about my opponents? Not really. But that’s not gonna stop me from talking a lot of shit that I probably can’t back up! I mean, I’m totally gonna do everything I say I’m gonna do. It’s not so hard when your opponents are...who they are. We’ve got this!
Before the last show, Sauce and I were in a bad place. We couldn’t win a match! The vibes were off. But now, we have...one win in a row! That’s more than zero! And a lot of people in this place have zero. You know what I’m trying to say. We’ve got that momentum! We’ve got a dub, and we’re not about to go back to our losing ways. Hopefully. We really went from taking L’s to jobbing out upside-down people. Huh. I’m not complaining, though! If this was another two-on-two tag match, I’d be fully confident! Well...I’m still fully confident, because I know I’m that good. But this isn’t that type of match! There’s Ulf Hednir! He’s here too. And I know nothing about him except that he took that L to Petey...and the other one last show. But mostly Petey. He wants that sweet sweet momentum too. Good thing we’re here! I watched that match and he did pretty well! He wasn’t the first one eliminated! He outlasted the god, John Blade! So he can’t be too bad at wrestling. And that’s exactly what we need! I know. My standards are very high! Maybe a little too high. But I believe in Ulf because he has my motivation behind him. He can do it! Or I’ll be sad. We don’t want that. I'm sure he can keep it together enough to beat these hoes like Petey beats his meat to pictures of Hannah-...you know what? Let's not go there.
Let's talk about our opponents instead! Arata Asakura, Jay Crowley, and Swindle Shelldrake! One name is more impressive than the others, I guess. But that shit doesn't matter. One of them is eating that pin, no matter who has the most clout! Arata's been around for a little bit, and he's picked up a few wins. Good for him! I hope he enjoyed that feeling, because he's gonna have to go without it for a little longer. Jay and Swindle have had their little jobber matches. You know, to make sure that they'll actually show up to the venue. And they did! It's not something to be proud of. Hopefully it didn't give them too big of a head! I have a feeling it did, but that's okay. I'm here to bring them back to where they belong! I'm a nice guy like that. Already, they're at a disadvantage. They don't know how to work with each other. I don't think they even like each other! And they don't have much experience in this place compared to us! Sure, Jay and Swindle have a little team going...but they fucking suck. Listen. Everyone knows, but I had to say it! I'll apologize later. We've been around for longer, we have an actual team in our ranks, and...we're just better at wrestling than these bums. Light work.
Jay Crowley? He kinda sounds like that Daniel Horror guy. And not in a good way. He calls himself the 'Damned Heart'...which is...a cool nickname I guess? I have a feeling he doesn't know what that means and just made it up because he thinks it sounds badass. Which is a perfectly valid reason...but it doesn't actually mean anything. He doesn't sound like the brightest guy on the roster. When I'M saying that, you know it's bad. He's one of those hardcore guys that I feel like would do better on Fallout. He'd actually get booked in a hardcore match... because EVERYONE gets booked in hardcore matches. You don't have to be special! But this Crowley dude is certainly special...not in a complimentary way. You know where I'm going with this. All he wants to do is inflict pain and suffering to his opponents. Blah blah blah. Oh no. I'm so scared. What will I ever do? This guy makes me yawn. I've seen too many people like this. They want to dish out the hurt, but they only do to the local talent that nobody gives a shit about. If this guy plans on sticking around, he's gonna be taking his first of many L's. Hey, Jay! I heard you like to collect things from your opponents! You don't get many dubs I'm sure, so why not? I'm gonna let you know now, though. You seem like one of those guys who should be arrested for crimes involving minors, so…Sauce's virginity is off-limits! I'm telling you, bro. I'm gonna beat that ass even harder if your bum ass even looks at him the wrong way! Get out.
Who's next? Swindle? I guess. What's with this guy? His entire thing is being able to adapt. Well...okay? We'll see about that. I remember the man coming out last in the rumble and nobody giving a shit. Like nobody will care when he eventually fades out into irrelevance with his buddy. Sad, though. He has at least a little more talent than Jay! Maybe he could be a slightly less mediocre wrestler as a singles guy! But I guess he'll learn the hard way when he loses. It is what it is. I'm sure he's feeling good! He beat...Ace Sky? That's...not a loss, I guess! But come on, bro. Who hasn't beat Ace Sky? That literally means nothing except for the fact that he probably won't lose a match to a kitten. Even that, I'm still not sure about! But I guess we'll see! He knows how to wrestle in aaaaany style? Sure. Maybe he did in the backyard indie he came up in. Wrestling the mailman down the street and the crusty old man wanted by the FBI. But against...a SOUNDCLOUD RAPPER?!? No chance. Come on, Swindle, you're technically in a team! With your boy Crowley! But compare the two of you to me and Sauce, and hopefully you'll realize what's coming to you. It's not looking good, man. We have the PH accolades. We're proven...well more proven than your bum asses. If this was a simple tag match, you'd be even more fucked than you already are! But at least you'll be happy to extend your L just a little bit. You'll last longer than the Aussies at least!
And finally, there's Arata. The one who's been here the longest and who'll probably put up the best fight! It won't matter, though. I guess you could say that he's Ulf's equivalent since they both aren't really in any real tag team. But meh. He's the first person I've met with a God complex! Sure, I've seen people that talk a lot of shit. They call themselves the "God of Wrestling" or some shit. But Arata can actually back it up...a little! Well he's one more than one match. I guess that's backing it up. But not as much as you think! He beat that Guy Fieri looking man. And...the guy that was tossed out of the rumble in twelve seconds. Good for him! Does that make him a god? Maybe to him, but...nope. He's just setting himself up for disappointment. How long can this shit go on? Having a big ego is cool and all, but you've gotta back it up just a little more than that! I know his partners have huge ones too. But they're shit. I don't really take them seriously. But him? He could be more! But right now, he's less than he thinks he actually is. Too bad. But hey, Arata! I bet you're not too big of a fan of your temporary tag partners. They're a little on the pale side. And we know how much you hate that! You wanna exterminate homies like that. Which inspired me to get a tan. I think the best thing to do is to leave those hoes on their own. HELPING OUT THE WHITE MAN?!? That's not your motto. Trust me, bro. Leave those dudes out to dry. There's always next time!
Out of all the matches in my career so far...this is one of the easier ones. It won't be a squash. I'm sure I'll allow my opponents to have their moments because I'm nice like that, but they don't stand a chance. Two bums and a corny asian guy?!? We've got a Viking! And Yung Sauce. Mostly Yung Sauce. If you ask anyone with a brain for a prediction, they'll give you the right choice. We're the favorites. Everyone knows we have this shit in the bag, because it's that obvious! For good reason!
And I'm not about to choke.