Post by ttthet on Jul 28, 2021 21:08:37 GMT -5
Our scene starts at the world-famous HIP HOUSE. The boys are in the living room relaxing the night after TJ and Petey's rumble loss.
TJ THOMPSON: Well. Fuck. We kinda got shit on. But that's okay! I was in the top half, and you know what?!? Almost all of us outlasted Ozy! Let's gooooo!!! 25 seconds! What a bum! He took one look at Petey and ran in the other direction! Just like his dad! Except Ozy wasn't getting the milk. He was getting...the L. Oh shit. Roasted. Get fucked.
LIL PETEY: LET'S GOOOOO!!! Wait. That's not ni-
YUNG SAUCE: But I wasn't even in the match!
TJ THOMPSON: I said almost. He lasted only 25 seconds longer than you! AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN THE MATCH!!! WE'RE GOATED, BOYS!!! World champ who?!?
YUNG SAUCE: Hey, you're right! We ARE goated!!!
TJ THOMPSON: The world champ fears Lil Petey! And not many people can say the same. We might not have won the match, but at least we can brag about that one thing! Apparently, people are saying that he threw himself out on purpose. To have a real challenger at whatever event is up next. But nah. We know the truth. It was totally Petey.
LIL PETEY: I didn't know I was that intimidating! They should let me fight big homie again. I need that countout win!
TJ THOMPSON: That's the spirit! We did well, boys! Hey Sauce, what were you doing while we were in the rumble?
YUNG SAUCE: Uhh…
The scene switches to a flashback of Sauce begging his mom to not talk to his friends anymore before switching back.
YUNG SAUCE: ...Uhhh...drugs! Yeah. Drugs.
TJ THOMPSON: Fair enough! Hold up boys, I gotta take Gerald for a walk.
YUNG SAUCE: He goes for walks?!?
TJ THOMPSON: Of course he does! What do you want him to do, not go for walks?
TJ grabs Gerald's leash and the two leave. They get a couple of blocks away only for TJ to get tackled by a pair of police officers and shoved into a police car. TJ gets handcuffed as he argues.
TJ THOMPSON: OH FUCK, I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THIS! THIS IS AN OLD MEME! AN OLD FUCKING MEME!
OFFICER #1: You're under arrest for terrorism! You have the right to remain silent and anything you say can and will be used against you in court!
TJ THOMPSON: Terrorism?!? Goddamm, that atomic shit I took a few hours ago wasn't that bad!
The second officer waves around multiple pictures showing TJ and Shay at the scene of the legendary 'crisp high five' along with the carnage that went with it.
OFFICER #2: We have multiple pictures of you looking real casual at the scene of what they're calling "The Day of Death"! It's obvious that you had something to do with that horrible event.
TJ THOMPSON: What happened? All I remember is giving that kid a high five and going home. I guess all that shit happened behind my back!
OFFICER #2: Five people spontaneously combusted. A plane fell from the sky and crushed a toddler. City hall burned down. Seventy people were struck by lightning. And worst of all, THEY RAN OUT OF BEER AT WALMART!!!
TJ THOMPSON: OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!? Ran out of beer?!? Now that's just too far. But listen, guys. You gotta understand.
OFFICER #1: Tell it to the judge!
The door slams and the car squeals off. It gets to the station and TJ gets led inside and into an interrogation room.
TJ THOMPSON: Man, you can't just kidnap me! Y'all are supposed to be saving me from all these kidnappings! Not doing them yourself! Chill!
OFFICER #1: Where were you during the tragedy?!?
TJ THOMPSON: You knew where I was! Y'all have those pictures! I was delivering the high five! You can even see that plane falling out of the sky in the background!
OFFICER #2: AHA! So you admit to being at the scene of the crime! How convenient! And were you the only one there?!?
TJ THOMPSON: No! There was that kid!
OFFICER #1: I don't see any kid in these pictures, do you?
OFFICER #2: Nope! He must be lying. What a con man.
TJ THOMPSON: What, you think I was high fiving myself?!?
OFFICER #2: I don't know how sickos like you think! Crazy people probably do that shit all the time! I wouldn't put it past a person who could do something as horrific as having the world run out of beer!
TJ THOMPSON: But...but…
OFFICER #2: Now tell me, what were you conveniently doing over there...CRIME?!?
TJ THOMPSON: No! I was giving a high five! You even have pictures! I'm innocent here! Besides, one person couldn't do all that! You can't blame me!
OFFICER #1: Hell yeah we can! Sure, sure. AN ILLEGAL HIGH FIVE?!? Anything in that palm? Drugs? Money? WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION?!?
TJ THOMPSON: NO! Well, as far as I know. And I don't know that much. But still! It was just an extra crispy high five! I warned him!
OFFICER #2: Warned him of what?!?
TJ THOMPSON: Sometimes bad things happen when I deliver a crisp high five! I don't know how shit works. I barely know how to spell my name. It just happens.
OFFICER #1: Aha! So you were aware that you could cause a catastrophe to happen, but you still followed through! How irresponsible! And look at what you've done! Sounds like a confession to me!
TJ THOMPSON: Oh shit, is it?!? Aight. I know how it looks. But is it really me?!? You shouldn't arrest me for this. You know who y'all should arrest?!? The creator of high fives. No. The creator of hands! Anyone could've done this. You can't blame me for being in the way! You gotta target the root of the problem. The source of the issue. Sure, you could arrest me and make your boss happy, but is it really my fault?!?
BOTH OFFICERS: Yes.
TJ THOMPSON: No! I didn't ask to have hands! I didn't ask to have the responsibility of having these hands that could cause bad things to happen! Arrest the inventor of hands. Not me.
OFFICER #1: I don't think hands were invented by anyone, were they? Aren't they some evolutionary thing? Or else we'd be fish? We can't arrest evolution, can we?
OFFICER #2: Yeah!
TJ THOMPSON: Okay. That's true. But what about this?!? Arrest the hoe who invented evolution!
OFFICER #2: Who invented that?
TJ THOMPSON: I think it was Candice.
OFFICER #2: Who's Candice?
TJ THOMPSON: CANDICE DICK FIT IN YOUR MOUTH?!?
OFFICER #2: …
OFFICER #1: …
TJ THOMPSON: …
OFFICER #2: Okay, you're going to jail.
TJ THOMPSON: Aw, man.
TJ gets rudely hustled out of the room and into the hallway.
TJ THOMPSON: This doesn't need to happen! I'm an innocent man! You set me up for that joke! Please! I'm too young to go to jail!
In the hallway TJ passes by his old associate Sheamus O'Shamrock in handcuffs being led to a jail cell.
TJ THOMPSON: Shay, they got you too?!? Can you believe this? Terrorism?!?
SHAY: I murdered someone.
TJ THOMPSON: Oh. How come?
SHAY: They ate my potatoes!
TJ THOMPSON: Oh. Don't you think that's an overreaction?
SHAY: Nah.
OFFICER #1: No talking!
TJ THOMPSON: Listen, bro. Before you put me in the slammer for the rest of my days. I just have one last request. One last thing I need to do. Just gimmie one more high five from my old buddy!
OFFICER #1: Fine, but make it quick! You've got places to be. Like jail.
TJ winds up and delivers the crispest high five he has in him to a terrified Sheamus O'Shamrock. The police officers promptly turn into baby giraffes. A portal opens up in the ceiling and whisks Shay back to Ireland. A potato flies out of the portal and hits TJ in the face. A wall disintegrates, leaving an escape route.
TJ THOMPSON: Huh. I should probably get that checked out by a doctor.
BABY GIRAFFE: *giraffe noises*
TJ THOMPSON: Were those tiny Geralds always there? Huh. I know Gerald always wanted kids. But he couldn't find any lady giraffes to get busy with. Probably because he lives in a house. And he's socially awkward. But mostly the second reason. Look at this convenient little hole! It's actually a big hole. Looks like I'm not going to jail after all! Come on guys, let's go home. We can forget about that little terrorism thing.
TJ scoops up the giraffes and escapes as the scene fades to black.
---------------------------------
Let's go, boys, we out here. I'm feeling good. I just escaped a life behind bars. And Gerald is now a proud father. Or not so proud. Whatever. I might not have won the rumble, but I'm taking dubs in my own way! The rumble was in a sad state. Good for Caddy, though! I thought I had a chance, but it's all good. I had like...two eliminations? That's more than one! And more than zero! I finished in the top half! I'm above average! That's more than I've done in my entire life! The match was a pretty big L. But I still have tiny things to be proud of. And I honestly can't be too beat up over it. Sure, I lost. That's true. But so did 18 other people! Do you see them whining?!? I mean, yeah. But still! I'm not alone in the L column! We're all in this together. It's all good. It's fine. I can flex on the people I did better than. It's not all bad. But that leaves me without a match at the next PPV! I guess I graduated from the Warrior Rising division or whatever. No world title match for me. And I don't really know what Lance is doing but I'm probably not a part of it! Which leaves the boys directionless once again! Damn. That's tough. I feel like we've been through this once already. I remember a time when I was just cruising around. Losing matches and existing. It was a bad time. But if I'm going back there again, it is what it is. There's nothing I can do but win! Sounds easy when you talk about it, but it's probably not!
But I guess I gotta talk about my next match! The boys are back in tag-team action! Let's go! We haven't had the best luck in that regard lately. But if there was ever a time to turn it around, it's against these bums! When things are going wrong for me in singles action. When I can't do anything on my own, I always have the boys to fall back on! That man Petey is booked twice. That's not good, but I have faith in the boy to pull two dubs out of his ass! If he loses twice, we'll never speak of this again. But anyway, I'm glad Sauce was available! The last time we teamed wasn't exactly a win. But I didn't eat the pin! My ego was slightly less hurt! And that means I'm ready to give it another shot! It's not like it can get any worse. I have faith in my boy to do better this time. And me too, I guess. This is a momentum booster. One of my opponents is held to a pretty high standard, so getting a dub over him should be great. Goated, even. It could even get me higher up on the card! If this was a singles match against Aiden, I would have a decent chance. Maybe. But he's got a trash can holding him down! Mark Kelly! One of the bums I threw out of that rumble! This has to be light work. They're just teaming because they're Australian. If that was another race or ethnicity, we might have to bring HR into this. But it's good that they're okay with it! Because that means they're okay with taking an L! That's right. You heard me. Country-affiliated teams never work out. Or else that Nazi guy would still be here teaming with the other viking. Drip for the win. I know how this was made. They had a little alliance in the rumble which I guess they liked. But...neither of them came close to winning! But they still think this is gonna work out? Newsflash, it won't. And Sauce and I are gonna prove that shit right when we beat that ass!
There are a shit ton of directionless people in this company. You know, the guys that nobody really cares about. They get booked for sure, but their matches never mean anything. The only time they get title shots are when EVERYONE gets a title shot in some fifty-man clusterfuck. And they're never the favorite to win. Sometimes things are bad, and sometimes they're less bad! Things are tough sometimes. But at least I know I'll never be that irrelevant!
But one person that I think is heading down that path is Mark Kelly. One of my opponents on Friday. I'll admit, during the rumble I didn't really know who the fuck he was. But did that stop me from throwing his ass out?!? NO! He has really soft skin. I wonder what moisturizer he uses. Listen. I've done it once. Without knowing my opponent. I was fighting blind. And I still came out on top! I know I can do that shit again with ease! And what did I learn from that encounter? Mark Kelly really sucks at wrestling. That's what I learned. That's okay. He's not alone. In this business, there are winners and losers. And he's definitely a loser. Thrown out of the rumble by your boy. Saddled along with Aiden as the worse Australian. The man is not it. At the rumble I didn’t know who he was, but now that I’m facing him in a real match, I guess I have to do some learning. I did a little research. With my massive brain. And what did I learn? That man can’t win a match! Ha. Sure, he’s a little new, but he’s been here long enough. He’s 0-2. There are some bums on this roster doing a lot worse than that, but still. It’s not like he’s gonna be 1-2 anytime soon. But we share a similarity! This guy wrestles for the fans! He loves all those cheers and shit! That’s cool. That’s great. But for the fans to cheer, they have to know who this guy actually is. We ain’t in kangaroo land anymore, boy! We’re in...uh...actually, I don’t know where we are. But my hotel room isn’t on the ceiling so I assume it’s not Australia. Poor guy. I bet he thinks he’s a big deal now because of all those hometown cheers he was getting. I think they were cheering for Aiden. Don’t worry bro, I’ll bring you back down to earth!
Mark, I feel like you’ve got one thing. Just one little feature that sets you apart from every newbie in this place! Hell, every wrestler that doesn’t have a drop of clout! And it’s being from Australia. That’s kinda unique, I guess. But you’re sure milking that shit for all it’s worth! It’s why you’re teaming with your countryman in a match a little high on the card instead of some dark match. You should thank your parents for smashing in upside-down land instead of in Nevada or something. It’s all led to this moment. That wave carrying you to this point, a Proving Ground match against your boy, and your crowning moment being...eating the pin! You’re welcome, bro. I know. I’m too kind. No need to thank me. But let’s be real, my guy. I’ll admit that you and Aiden had that chemistry in the very short time you had together in the rumble before I threw you out on your ass. But it really didn’t lead to shit. The second time? I promise you that it’s gonna be even worse. But I guess you’re used to taking L’s from your boy by now, right? What’s one more time? For old time’s sake? And when I say old times, I mean two weeks ago. Whatever.
And teaming with the bum is Aiden Reynolds. Cool. The guy that probably won’t eat the pin unless he supremely fucks up. Could that happen? Yeah. But no matter what he does, he’s taking that L. I know he’s gonna put up a much better fight than his friend, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. Drip prevails. Like it always should! Besides, John Blade isn’t in this match so my chances of winning go from 0.69% to 100%. Easy dub. But let’s talk about Aiden for a bit. This is my first real interaction with the man so I don’t really know what to expect. But will that stop me from making good takes and thinking that I’m winning no matter what? Of course not! I know Aiden’s wrestled all over the world and shit, but I don’t think that prepares him to go up against the goat. I’m just built different. Nobody can prepare for me. Probably because they can’t find me. But also because I’m just too good. You can have all the experience you want but that won’t stop the man from holding an L. Honestly, I wonder how he feels about this match! Sure, maybe it was nice teaming with his fellow Aussie in the rumble, but it didn’t lead to anything! Are those warm and fuzzy feelings still there?!? Or are there more...negative ones? Like anger. Or maybe he’s just gassy. I don’t really know. By now he must know that he’s about to be carrying that dead weight, right? This could be a handicap match at worse and just another loss at best! He’s seen what his partner has to offer. He knows what’s coming. And it’s not good for him. Right? I’m sure he’s a smart fella in his own little way. He’s lasted this long as a decently talented wrestler, so he has to know talent when he sees it. And in this match, the odds aren’t looking good for him.
But if he knows talent, he has to see the peeps in front of him, right? Me and Sauce?!? He surely can’t be taking us likely, can he?!? That won’t end well for him. And is kinda rude. It’s happened too many times for me to count, but these hoes still don’t learn! It goes like this. They say something about drippy boys and how they can’t take us seriously. And then they lose. I mean, I haven’t been winning a whole lot lately...but still! Surely Aiden can be looking at us with a little more respect! He might take us a little seriously! He has to, since he’s teaming with Mark ‘Joober’ Kelly, right? Maybe? Possibly? Whatever. I don’t need anyone’s faith to beat that ass! I’d like to think that I know what Aiden’s capable of. After a few seconds of research and looking at him twice in the rumble, I know he’s done for. Trust me guys, I know everything.
The BIg Drip Boys haven’t exactly been on the winning end of a whole lotta things. But hey, so have our opponents! And there’s no time like the present to turn it around! I’ve got a good feeling about this one, boys. One team gets to be a winner and the other gets to remain a loser. Except if we lost. If we lose, we’ll never revisit the point I just made ever again. But if there was ever a time to start winning again, it’s now. Why? Because I said so.
This is gonna go great, right? Just like Dickie’s marriage!