Post by ttthet on Jul 14, 2021 20:19:02 GMT -5
Our scene starts backstage at the last Proving Ground. TJ Thompson is with the rest of the Big Drip boys after his match.
TJ Thompson: Hey. Listen. Let's look at the positive side of things, boys! Sure we lost, but do losses against Myo really count? I don't know, bruh. Probably not. And I didn't eat the pin! That's progress! I'm improving!
Yung Sauce: You...you didn't eat the pin last time…
TJ Thompson: I SAID PROGRESS!!! The past is in the past! And in the present...I didn't eat the pin. Improvement. I'm tryna be the bringer of joy here. LET ME BE THE POSITIVE INFLUENCE IN YOUR LIFE, GODDAMNIT!
Yung Sauce: It could've been worse! At least we...uh...okay, that was pretty bad. But you're right, brudda! Let's look on the positive side! I don't have to wrestle next week! I'm free to uh...wallow in my misery...the pain never ends...not even my mom is safe anymore...
TJ Thompson: That's the spirit! Cmon, Petey, one of us needs to secure the dub next week! It's kinda weird that they're having a rumble on a weekly show. And they let that twerp Larry announce it. But I won't say no!
Lil Petey: That's right, fam, do you know anything about our opponents? There's 18 other peeps in this thing!
TJ Thompson: No fucking clue. But don't worry. I have a foolproof plan. I need to educate myself on these random hoes in the rumble so I have content! And you know...so I know who I'm facing and shit. But mostly content. Watch and learn, fam.
TJ walks up to a PH superfan (not a fan of the hub as far as we know) with a backstage pass.
TJ Thompson: Heeeeeeeey...you like giraffes?
Fan: Not really?
TJ Thompson: Shit. Well. I'll give you Lil Petey's bathwater if you come help me do this thing. Share your knowledge with your boy!
Fan: That's disgusting!
TJ Thompson: That's what I told him! He insists on saving it, though. How about a crisp high five?!?
Fan: Deal!
TJ Thompson: Nice. And I didn't even have to give away the deed to the HIP HOUSE! That was the next offer. What's your name, kid?
Fan: My name's Sheamus O'Shamrock!
TJ Thompson: I'm gonna call you Shay! Meet me at the HIP HOUSE tomorrow morning! I gotta get my camera crew ready for this.
Shay: Will do, Sir!
We fade to black.
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The scene opens back up to inside the HIP HOUSE. TJ and Shay sit at the kitchen table with a giant chart.
TJ Thompson: Aight, bro. You know things. You're smart. After five whole minutes of research, I've made the...CHART OF BUMS!!! These are all the people that gotta go over that top rope. Ranked from my biggest threat to my smallest threat! And not gonna lie, there are a lot of small threats. Tiny. Miniscule. The size of Petey's pecker. These hoes ain't shit.
Shay: Uhh, I don't know about this one. I think you're underestimating a few people here! Some of these people are talented!
TJ Thompson: Some? Yeah. Most? Probably not. Trust me, Shay! I'm a former champ! And soon I'll be Grand Champ! Now, lemme go down this chart. Starting from the bottom. And you've gotta educate me on the people I don't know!
Shay: Got it!
TJ reveals the lowest category which is labelled "JOBBER BUMS".
TJ Thompson: Jobber bums! You know who I'm talking about here, right? The lowest of the low. The homies that are going over that top rope in seconds. The ones that nobody thinks have a chance in hell to win this thing! I know. I really do! Some people might put me in this category. But they're wrong! They probably think the earth is flat. I'll admit that last week wasn't exactly my best showing. I could've done a lot better! But I also could have done a lot worse! We're in the middle. Sauce tried his best. Besides, it's not like I won't face Myo again, right? RIGHT?!? Yeah. It wasn't my best showing. But it's time to move forward. But not too forward. Not so forward that I accidentally go over the top rope! That would be bad. Veeeeeeery very bad. I'll give credit where it's due last week, but trust me, this week is gonna be different! Besides. Even at my worst, I'm still better than the jobbers at this tier. I put real thought into this. Five whole minutes! And I know I'm right. These guys might be hyped up. Maybe because their fans aren't very smart. Or maybe they're just tryna make them feel better. But either way, there's nothing saving these hoes from taking an L here. Don't worry. Maybe they'll improve! Maybe they'll become winners one day. But here? Nah. Not their time.
Shay: Maybe I could win a rumble one day too!
TJ Thompson: You'd have a better chance right now than the first homie I'm gonna roast. I don't need you for this one. I know all you need to know about this guy. Patty the Postman. Man. I’ve faced this guy too many times. I feel like the first time was enough. And then we had the rematch. And then all those tag matches...and now this rumble. And I’ve won every single time! Our relationship is like the anti-Myo relationship. I win every time. And it’s not even close. And this is no different. You might be fooled into thinking that he’ll be hard to get over the top because he’s so big...but he’ll probably trip and fall over. Easy dub.
Shay: But what if he bribes you with stolen mail?
TJ Thompson: I’ll...uhh...I didn’t think of that. We’ll have to see. You never know how I feel at the moment, you know?
Shay: Couldn’t you just say no?
TJ Thompson: But mail, though. Mail. Anywaaaaaay...who’s next on the Jobber Bum tier?!? I’ll tell you who. Scott Oasis. I’ll admit that as a person,? I can’t hate the guy! He buys me shit. We share similar views on a lot of things. And I’m pretty sure he’s not leeching me for my money! But in the ring...I dunno, man. I’m pretty sure he used to be goated! He had a belt! He came in hot! But after dropping it, he fell quick! Maybe his prescription ran out. You know, the prescription for his special stuff...anyway, he’s not the man he used to be! After all the roid rage ran out, I saw that he was just an extremely large teddy bear. With abs that may or may not be stickers. Nothing personal against the guy, but I don’t think he stands a chance! At Hell on Earth, Sauce and I tried to start a little alliance, but he rejected us. Pain. And it led to him being eliminated early as fuck! I’m not gonna make that same mistake again! Oasis might be large. He might have biceps bigger than my brain. But when it comes to wrestling ability, he’s all looks! Will he be hard to yeet over the top rope? Yeah. But I have a foolproof plan for that. Hide and hope someone else eliminates him. Boom.
Shay: You’re a genius!
TJ Thompson: I know, kid. I know. Up next is Ace Sky. He had his first match already and got that ass beat by Petey! And Oasis. But for the sake of my narrative, imma say it was mostly Petey. Yeah. One match might be too little to judge him by, but I have experiences with him in other places. He sucks there too. And as a person, he’s kinda weird! People have their little quirks. And Ace is no different! He’s got the whole spaceman thing going on. He thinks he’s from another planet. And he also does yoga. Normally, that would be a thing that people notice. They’d make their comments. You know, things like “wow” or “cool”, but...people don’t really give a shit! And I kinda agree. I don’t really care. It seems like a thing people should be caring about, but it really doesn’t mean that much to anyone! We know he’s not a good wrestler...and that’s all I really gotta know! Bye bye, Ace! See you on...shit, I can’t think of a witty space joke…
Shay: You know you don’t need to clown on every single-
TJ Thompson: YES I DO! And who’s the next poor soul I’m gonna dunk on next?!? Uhhh, that’s it for the Jobber Bum tier. Next is…
TJ reveals the next tier on the chart labelled “HOES I’VE BEATEN ALREADY”
TJ Thompson: Yessir. These ones already received the hands once. Or twice. Or more than that, and I have no doubt in my mind that they’re gonna get shit on once again. Am I being overconfident? Nah. I’m a professional!
Shay: How many people have you actually beat?
TJ Thompson: A lot! More than you think. And one of those people is Cadilac Jackson. Three matches. Three dubs for you boy. And this could be #4. If I win, that is. If a loss, we’ll never speak of that statement again! Because that’s how the world works. Caddy likes to talk shit. That’s okay. All of us like to talk shit because this is wrestling. But he can never back it up, no matter how hard he tries! Every time he says that he’s got some new mean streak going on. He’s more cutthroat! He’s angrier! More determined! But not angry enough to actually win! That’s kinda sad, to be honest. I can sense his mental health slipping away after every disappointment. But I also don’t care enough to do anything about it. The odds aren’t looking good for you, Caddy! In a basic match, you never really have a good chance. You might think you do, but I know better. And in this, it’s looking even worse! I feel bad for you. In an I’m better than you kinda way. I know that when you get tossed out you’ll spiral deeper and deeper into your sad place. And then after that, you’ll go back to your usual ways. It’s a cycle of depression and sadness! And that’s okay. Keep thinking you’ve got this, Caddy, and I’ll keep sending you back.
Shay: But his sunglasses are so nice!
TJ Thompson: Yeah. Yeah they are. Who else do I know I can beat? Great question that I’m sure you’re all wondering about. I’ll tell you who! Valkyrie. She was in the Seven Gates of whatever too, and neither of us won...but I’m putting her here because I outlasted her. For the sake of the narrative. I don’t know much about her, but she seems to see herself as a little more than she actually is. You know, people in this company are mostly the same. Outside they might be different, but the way they see themselves is mostly the same. Yawn. Everyone wants to be some unstoppable badass. But in reality, some people just ain’t cut out for that life! They’re not even that good at wrestling! But they want to come off as strong when they’re weak as fuck. And I see that in Valky. Sure, when she talks you might believe her. But in the ring, nah. Not at all. Over the top rope she goes without a problem.
Shay: I believe you!
TJ Thompson: Awesome! Everyone should learn a lesson from you. Anyway, next is…
TJ stares at the chart when he realizes that those were the only two names on that tier.
TJ Thompson: That’s it? Really? Are you sure there’s no misprint on this thing? Surely I’ve beaten more than that, right?
Shay: You tell me!
TJ Thompson: Damn...I’ll have Gerald look over this later just to make sure. I swear. But now let’s move on to the next tier!
TJ reveals the next tier which is labelled “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?”
TJ Thompson: Uhh...this is gonna be a long one. Which is where you come in, buddy. Explain to me who these people are.
Shay: Of course! Anything for that crisp high five!
TJ Thompson: First off is...Ulf? Who’s he? Mans looks like a younger Joe Exotic.
Shay: He’s a Viking!
TJ Thompson: Uh oh...a Viking? That’s not good for PR. Remember the last Viking we had in this place? That didn’t end well at all! Is he...Nordic?
Shay: Yeah!
TJ Thompson: Does there happen to be...a Neo in front of that by any chance?
Shay: No, I don’t think so.
TJ Thompson: Phew! I thought for a second it was that other Viking trying to sneak back in under a different name. Does this Ulf guy think that Vikings are oppressed?
Shay: I don’t think he’s that other Viking, dude. But he has won a couple of matches here!
TJ Thompson: Aight, just making sure. You never know! Well I’m looking forward to seeing what he can do! Battle Royals aren’t the best way to see someone’s talent, but whatever. I’ve never seen a Viking from Vegas before. I guess he needs money to buy all that face paint, so gambling is the best way to acquire the bread! Good for him. I don’t judge. To be honest, Ulf is a breath of fresh air. He’s something different. A break from all the self-diagnosed badasses that can’t win a match. But he’s still no match for your boy. Unless he hits me with a horn or something. I think I’ve watched too many movies. You know what? Let’s move on. Daniel Ackerman? Inform me, bro.
Shay: He calls himself “The Captain” and...he’s Irish?
TJ Thompson: That’s it?
Shay: His whole thing is being a wrestler from around the world.
TJ Thompson: But...aren’t we all wrestlers? That’s kinda bland. Is he like...a really good wrestler?
Shay: He’s pretty new, so it’s hard to tell!
TJ Thompson: Got it. Everyone comes in and claims that they’re the best. They have all these abilities and shit that we don’t have! All because they’ve wrestled in Japan and Europe and Jupiter or whatever. Booooooooooooring! Consider a new company a fresh start. Nobody knows who you are. And nobody really expects much from you. But the only thing that sets you apart is your experience in other places! Man. So what’s with the captain shit? Does he have a boat?
Shay: Not that I know of…
TJ Thompson: Shame. That would’ve been cool if he had a boat. What’s he the captain of, then?
Shay: I think it’s just a name.
TJ Thompson: That’s a bummer. Man. If I could call myself whatever I want, I would’ve picked something a little cooler. Like Deez. Next! Who’s Mark Kelly? Is he Hunter’s ex-husband or something?
Shay: I don’t think that’s how first names work. But he’s pretty basic. The guy everyone likes. Never cheats. Always polite. And he’s also from Australia!
TJ Thompson: Sounds like me! Except for the politeness. And some people don’t really like me. Also, I forget where I’m from sometimes. It could be upside-down land. But at least I don’t cheat! That’s what really matters. His thing is...being from Australia and being nice. I wonder if he’ll still be nice when he gets eliminated. Probably! But on the inside, he’ll be in shambles. I know y’all are expecting me to make upside-down jokes. No. I’ve already made one. I’ve reached my limit already. Just like Mark’s reached his limit of...uhh...being nice. Yeah. Let’s say that. For another newcomer, he isn’t exactly talking as much shit as the others. He’s humble. Good. Which means it won’t hurt so much when he gets tossed! Aight. This next guy has a funny name. Swindle Shelldrake? Spill. Wait. Lemme guess...a...good wrestler?
Shay: That’s what he says!
TJ Thompson: Of course. How original. What sets him apart, bro?
Shay: He’s good at everything.
TJ Thompson: Wow. Shocking. I’ve never seen this before. This is the most original wrestler I’ve ever seen. But is he actually good at everything?
Shay: He hasn’t even had a match yet! I have no idea.
TJ Thompson: Well we can’t take his word for it. That wouldn’t be good for my shit talk. I’m gonna assume this man is capping. And he needs a personality that’s not just “good wrestler”. That goes for a lot of this roster! Set yourself apart in a unique way. I’m begging you. Please. And we’re not even done yet! But I guess you could say that wrestling talent is all you need to win, right? Everything else is just extra. Maybe that’s why I’m where I am...but nah, that’s wrong. Let’s say he’s right. He’s not just some bum off the street. He’s not even good enough. There are a million good wrestlers in this place, and he’s just gonna blend in. Boring. Yawn. He won’t get far. Debuting in a rumble isn’t exactly ideal, but he’s not helping himself. Buuuuut...at least he has pink hair!
Shay: Woooooo pink hair!
TJ Thompson: Aight. Next! Tara Fenix?
Shay: She’s been doing pretty well! And she wants to prove that she’s the best.
TJ Thompson: Heeeeey, that’s not a good wrestler! I mean, I guess it’s implied, but she’s not outright saying it this time. Awesome. Well. Everyone wants to be goated. Everyone wants to be looked at as the best wrestler ever, but there can only be a few. And if you take a look around, you’ve got a lot of competition. It’s a busy category. I can’t compete, but that’s okay. Because you know who I am? The guy with the giraffe. That’s basically the same thing as being the wrestling goat. Better even, because it’s hard to obtain one. Good luck, Tara! I know you’re looking to be all inspirational and shit. But just don’t get your hopes up. This probably isn’t your time. It’s hip time. Yes.
Shay: Might need to work on that line…
TJ Thompson: No need to rub it in! Anyway, tell me about...Victoria Mckenzie?
Shay: She’s a little on the heavier side...she’s kinda dickish...and people don’t like her?
TJ Thompson: Ah. Got it. Aight. Victoria, I’m about to make you wish you went to the gym a little more. Or a lot more. I’m gonna make you wish you didn’t eat that seventh Big Mac before dinner. I’ve prepared my entire life for this. Every yo mama joke. Every roast. All built up to this moment. You’re not ready. Mainstream?!? More like main street, because that gut took up the entire highway...hold on. This is a little too easy. This low-hanging fruit is pretty low. Lower than I’m used to. Lower than my left testicle. This is a trap. As soon as that joke comes out of my mouth, I’m gonna get the cops called on me or something.
Shay: I don’t think anyone’s gonna call the cops for a fat joke…
TJ Thompson: BUT THIS IS TOO EASY!!! There’s gotta be a catch to this shit. Something I’m missing. I was ready to eviscerate this hoe, but it’s just too easy. She’s gotta be waiting for me to say something before she gets some FBI agent to pull out the nine. Trust me. I don’t need to make fat jokes to know that she ain’t shit. Let’s keep it moving, fam. Will Riely?
Shay: He’s...a submission wrestler.
TJ Thompson: That’s it?
Shay: And he’s from Oregon!
TJ Thompson: Like from the game?
Shay: Yeah!
TJ Thompson: Cool. BUT! THAT DOESN’T CHANGE HIS BORING ASS!!! I’m tired of these hoes! Their entire personality is being a wrestler! GUESS WHAT, BITCH! WE’RE ALL WRESTLERS! NOTHING MAKES YOU DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!? Sorry. It’s not personal. But you’re like the fiftieth hoe on this list with the same personality. Goddamn, bro. I’m dying here. I’m running out of shit to say when y’all are the same. And even you personally, don’t stand a chance. No tapouts in this. I hope you know that, or we’d be in for an awkward situation. You can do your little limb bendy thing all you want, and I’ll bend the ropes so you go over them. Ha. Gottem. It’s over for you, bruh. But I’m gonna offer you a piece of advice. When nobody knows who you are...you gotta do something that makes you stand out. Come on, Will! Maybe you could wear a clown suit or something. It suits your whole vibe. No need to thank me.
Shay: Great advice!
TJ Thompson: It is!
TJ reveals the next tier which is labelled “PEOPLE I KNOW THAT WON’T GO OUT IN FIVE SECONDS”
TJ Thompson: It’s time. The heavy hitters. The people that might have a chance at winning if I wasn’t around. First up?!? Lil Petey. The homie.
Shay: Are you gonna team up with him?
TJ Thompson: Of course I am! Listen. My inner greedy nature is always looming. But at Hell on Earth, Sauce and I made a good team. And I'm about to repeat that shit here! I know only one can win. I'm not that dumb. But we can cross that bridge when we come to it! With a nice game of rock paper scissors. Besides, Petey already had a shot at Ozy! I know he wants that rematch, but maybe he wants to give me a shot. I dunno. It's not like he's in the other room and I can ask him...HEY PETEY!!! YOU WANT THAT OZY REMATCH, RIGHT?!?
Lil Petey (from another room): YEAH!
TJ Thompson: There ya go. We'll decide when the time comes. And in the match, we're gonna have that advantage. We're gonna have that synergy. Petey was a former world title contender. I was a former champ! And together, we can't be stopped. Probably. In matches like these, teams usually don't end up well. But we're different. We're all about that team success. If one of us gets the dub, we all get the dub. And one of us is gonna get it.
Shay: I believe in you!
TJ Thompson: You better. Who's next? Arata Asakura. Listen. I've got it all planned out. He hates foreigners? No problem. On the outside, I might look like the definition of caucasity. Maybe I need to get a tan or some shit. But Arata. My guy. I've got the ancestry DNA test right here, bro. I'M NO CAC! I'm not the enemy here. Trust me. I'm 1/69th Asian. I rock with the whole Gajin Killer thing because I'm not one of the ones being stabbed. Yep.
Shay: I don't think 1/69th is enough for him!
TJ Thompson: Come on! Be positive! I'm sure Arata's a positive guy! I know him...kinda! He's going after those purebreds. Sauce is lucky I messed up the bloodline or he'd be in trouble. Petey? He might have to worry. But that's okay. In the rumble, I've got his back! Arata didn't exactly get off to the best start. But we can relate to beating the shit out of jobbers. I can see him having a future in this place! But here? During a match with ME in it?!? Nah. In his angry little dreams.
Shay: I dream about leprechauns.
TJ Thompson: That's nice, kid. You know who could secretly be a leprechaun though? Dickie Watson. Picture it. Take away all the corny emo shit. Give em the little hat. The green. A haircut. I can see him as a leprechaun.
Shay: I don't know about that…
TJ Thompson: You just gotta imagine! You know, he left for a reason. But when he came back, he was exactly the same. But he wouldn't be the same as a leprechaun! A new gimmick is what he needs. It's what he's gonna need when the man gets tossed. Some people take a lot of losses and they don't really care. It's how life works for them. But some people aren't used to taking losses. They get all sad and shit. Do we care? Not really, but obviously they do! The normal Dickie Watson is one of those people. But leprechaun Dickie? Nah. I can't see it. I'm giving you goated advice, Dickie! This isn't yours to win. Not even close. But this is the next best thing. I know you're used to being in the title picture all the time and shit. But maybe it's time for a break. Go beat up Guy Fieri or something. Because this ain't yours.
Shay: You mean Serrano?
TJ Thompson: I said what I said! But anyway. Let's talk about Aiden Reynolds. They said he was making his return...but not gonna lie, I didn't know he was gone in the first place. Shows how relevant he is, am I right? Returns are supposed to be some hyped up thing. Something people anticipate. But...I don't think anyone really cares. Oof. He's just another body in a match full of wrestlers. 19 peeps are gonna get tossed, and he's probably gonna be one of them. Aiden's getting the hands. I'm gonna send him back to kangaroo land where he belongs!
Shay: I thought you were done with Australia jokes?
TJ Thompson: I said upside-down jokes! Not Australia! I wonder what kinda wrestling they learn down there. Do they fight kangaroos? Do they fight snakes? Do they milk scorpions? All things we'll never know. But trust me. Whatever he knows won't help him when the drip is in the match. I don't think they have much water over there.
Shay: There's a whole ocean around the continent!
TJ Thompson: Are you sure?
Shay: I'm pretty sure.
TJ Thompson: Oh. Well. Whatever. Let's talk about Lance. I remember Lance! I teamed with him that one time! He was pretty chill. And then we lost touch for a while. Shit happens. And then I check up on him, and apparently he's mean now. He turned his back on his friends and now he's a dick. Rip. But hey, at least he has a belt! Did he really beat anyone for it? Nah. But he…has it in his possession! I'll give him that. Normally when people get all angry and shit, they start winning more. At least for a little while. Their new attitude inspires them to be better wrestlers. But I guess that already ended for Lance. First he takes an L to Hunter. And then he's set up for failure in this rumble! Next thing you know, he's dropping that belt on the first defense. His hot streak is already over. Nice guy Lance couldn't win a match. But soon, bad guy Lance is gonna be the same. You can count on it.
Shay: Hell yeah!
TJ Thompson: Imagine needing to be a dick to win matches. I can't relate to that peasant shit! I'm always chill. Something that most people in this place aren't. And I can promise you that Lance won't be cool as a cucumber when he goes over the top rope!
Shay: I wouldn't either!
TJ Thompson: Don't worry. You'll grow out of it. Who's left? My favourite champ. Emmanuelle! I’ve faced her a lot of times already. And this rumble makes it like...four matches in a row? I think so. That’s a lot, man. A little too much if you ask me, but whatever. Emmy, I think you need to focus on keeping that belt for yourself instead of going after another one. Something called...limits. I know you have those aspirations for success, and shit, but I think you gotta chill. Also, I wanna win. That might also be a reason why I’m telling you to chill.
Shay: You don’t think you can beat her?!?
TJ Thompson: Of course I do! It’s just...it doesn’t hurt to use my powers of persuasion. I gotta take every opportunity, you know? Listen. I know what she can do. I feel like I’ve seen it too many times. I know she’ll bring it like always. But I think she’s gotten a little too overconfident. And I’m gonna take advantage of that. In some way. Yeah. See you again, Emmy!
Shay: I trust your judgement.
TJ Thompson: Of course you do. And who’s left? The champ. The big boi. Ozymandias. You don’t know how long it took me to learn how to pronounce that. Too long. And if I had to pick a winner that wasn’t me or Lil Petey, I guess it would be the tentacle mask guy. He’s pretty spooky, not gonna lie. But I’m ready for him. How, you ask? I’ve got the strategy. I can’t see this going wrong at all. The strat?!? Run. Away. Foolproof plan, am I right? He’s the champ for a reason, right? And I saw what he did to Petey. And I want no part of that until I take his title. Yep.
Shay: If you can’t interact with him in the rumble, what are you gonna do in the title match?
TJ Thompson: I’ll figure something out! Besides, he’s not only my biggest threat, he’s everyone else’s too. Someone’s gonna take him out, maybe even multiple people! And then I’ll be there to win when he’s gone. Light work. Ozy, I see you, bro. I don’t even know why you’re in this when you’re already the champ. The person that eliminates you is gonna expose your weaknesses for the winner to exploit! You’re setting yourself up for a bad time, bro. And hopefully, I’m gonna be the one giving you that bad time. Be afraid.
Shay: I thought you were the one that was afraid?
TJ Thompson: Hush, child. But there’s one more person.
TJ reveals the final tier which is labelled “THE GOD”.
TJ Thompson: You know, I normally don’t listen to promos. These people are mostly lying. You can’t trust them. They flex their skills when they’re actually shit. They say that they’re gonna murder their opponent when it’s a competitive match or they lose. I can’t believe a single word that comes out of their mouths. Except for one person. JOHN BLADE! The promo god! Good lord. I fear that man. He might sound a little incoherent at times, but when you can understand him, he strikes fear into the hearts of his opponents.
Shay: He can barely speak English!
TJ Thompson: But when he does, you know he means business! Come on, bro. Out of all the people in this match, John Blade is the most mysterious. He’s the most cryptic. You never know what he’s gonna do. Will he job us all out? Will he throw himself over the top rope? What drug will he take before the match? We’ll never know. John Blade is a god, bro.
Shay: ...Whatever you say, man.
TJ Thompson: I appreciate the support. And that’s it. That’s the list! We’re done! I can go outside!
Shay: But what about my crisp high five?!?
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah. Come with me.
The scene fades to black as TJ and young Shay walk out of the HIP HOUSE.
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The scene opens back up to reveal TJ and Shay in an empty field.
TJ Thompson: I’ve gotta deliver the goods here, in a safe location. This is dangerous stuff. It could cause an explosion. The world as we know it could be decimated.
Shay: Really?!?
TJ Thompson: You asked for it, kid! This high five’s about to be CRISP! And I ain’t playing around.
TJ is interrupted by his phone dinging. He checks it to see a text from Indy Darling.
TJ Thompson: Oh. Indy just gave me my number! It’s...12! Hm. I think he might have sent that backwards. Maybe he means 21!
Shay: Aren’t there only 20 people?
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah. 12 it is! That’s pretty good, I guess. It’s in the upper half. It could be worse! Now are you ready for your crisp high five?!?
Shay: Yeah!
TJ winds up and gives Shay a high five. A loud “BOOM” is heard. A nearby tree explodes. A plane falls from the sky. A tornado is seen behind TJ. The camera quickly cuts to black as sirens are heard in the background.