The F Word: EP #13

WINSTON: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for the show that tells you like it is, whether you like it or not! It’s The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! In this episode, Julius will present his thoughts on all of last week’s crazy action, list some of the stand-out competitors, and use more colorful language than that time Eddie Murphy stubbed his toe in 1986! So without further ado, please welcome your host...The Weatherman...The Shepherd of Lost Souls...The Baddest Motherfucker in all the land! He is simply furious...JUUUUUUULIUS FAIRRRRRRWEATHERRRRRR!!!!

Julius tosses the stage’s golden curtains aside as he makes his entrance, beaming with a bright smile from ear to ear. As has become customary, he exchanges a complex series of fist bumps with Winston, nods his head confidently at The Swallows Twins, and then motions for the cameras to follow him as he heads stage left. You can’t even tell that he threw a tantrum last week, as his set has been rebuilt and refurbished. Julius takes his normal spot behind his desk while Winston gets comfortable on the couch and the twins head to their stripper pole for their normal gyration routine.

JULIUS: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

AUDIENCE: What’s up, Julius!?

JULIUS: I’ll tell you what’s up. My motherfucking show faced a hostile takeover last week, so I had Winston fire that motherfucking producer and hire me someone we can trust! Not only that, but to show my appreciation to you motherfuckers for sticking by me, you each have a brand new jar of Vegemite underneath your seats! Now you can all dig into that brewer’s yeast extract while I did into last week’s Fallout and Proving Ground!

WINSTON: How very generous of you...

JULIUS: Shut the fuck up, old man! I’m gonna have your ass wearing an apron and serving that shit up when we go to a commercial!

Winston’s expression sinks as he thinks about the task ahead of him.

JULIUS: Now then, let’s get this motherfucking show started off right with a brand new Viewer’s Verse!


JULIUS: This week’s first verse comes to us from an anonymous source, but he wrote that shit in red ink and drew a purge mask on the bottom, so your first two guesses don’t count.

JULIUS: I guess that could have been worse, but it was still a downer if you’re cool with Jason like I am. I can’t end the viewer’s verse on that note, so I’m gonna bust out some lyrics of my own.

Julius gives the camera a wink and a smile as he finishes his rhyme.

JULIUS: Two for the price of one, motherfuckers! Now don’t go anywhere, cause we’ll be right back with this week’s Fab Four after a word from our motherfucking sponsors!


Julius is still seated behind his desk following the commercial break, and placed before him are four bottles of cologne. From left to right, they are labeled as Eau de Thompson, Petey Sweat, The Sauce, and Essence of Egotism.

JULIUS: It seems there’s a battle brewing in the men’s fragrance game, but I’m about to settle that shit right here and now. Winston, Twins, get on down here and help a brother out!

Winston, still wearing his apron from the commercial break, scoots closer toward Julius’ desk as Bambi and Candy stand on either side of the host.

JULIUS: First up, here’s some of that Eau de Thompson…

Julius sprays a fine mist of the first cologne into the air. The Swallows Twins seem confused in their response, while Winston starts to sneeze violently.

JULIUS: Goddamn! That shit smells like universal healthcare! No wonder that boy’s always getting kidnapped by Obama!

Julius waves his hand in the air as he picks up the bottle of Petey Sweat and then sprays some into the air. Bambi and Candy have an immediate negative response as they back away a few steps, while Winston smiles and tries to wave more of the smell in his direction.

JULIUS: What the...I can only imagine that’s what the women’s locker room smells like at the senior citizen center! Petey better tone that shit down or he’s gonna get mauled by a cougar!

Julius once again waves his hand to clear away the smell before raising his bottle of The Sauce and spraying a mist into the air. Bambi, Candy, and Winston all look around in confusion, as if they can’t smell anything at all.

JULIUS: Now that’s strange. I know I could smell this shit when I tried it two weeks ago. Wait...wait...there it is!

Winston and the twins nod, affirming that they are now able to smell The Sauce as well.

JULIUS: That was some delayed reaction. I guess even the smell of his cologne doesn't show up on time. Still smells like something an underage kid would use.

Once again, Julius fans the air before spraying his last bottle, Essence of Egotism.

JULIUS: I’m getting a wide variety of scents on my nasal palate...a touch of herbs and exotic aromas.

His three companions give Julius some curious looks.

JULIUS: Nah, I’m just fucking with you. It smells like some motherfucker soaked their dirty gym socks in Stetson. I don’t know why anyone would spray any of this shit on themselves! I guess there’s only one test left...Bambi, Candy...lean down here and get a big whiff off my neck.

As instructed, the twin lean forward, each of them inhaling deeply from Julius’ shirt collar. In a split second, both women are blushing and smiling with pure enjoyment.

JULIUS: Y’all wanna know what kind of cologne I’m wearing? Not a goddamn thing! That’s the smell of a suave motherfucker’s pure man musk and it don’t get no better than that! Speaking of things that can’t get any better, let’s find out who’s in my Fab Four this week!

With a swipe of his hand, Julius knocks all of the cologne bottles off his desk and the graphic for his next segment appears on the screen.


JULIUS: There was some interesting shit that went down on both shows this week, and choosing four stand-out motherfuckers never seems to get any easier. Luckily, I’ve managed to narrow down my selections for your viewing pleasure!


JULIUS: First up from my home brand is this holier-than-thou motherfucker! Lesley Adora has turned a lot of heads with his work on Fallout, and most recently he did this by fighting the current Ascension Champion to a draw in a big, old clusterfuck match with tons of people! I’ve said before that Mason Destruction is gonna be a hard man to dethrone, but this crazy bastard might just be the one to do it! They’ve been having one of the most interesting rivalries on Fallout and it’s all gonna come to a head at Gold, Guts, and Glory when they meet one-on-one! Lesley’s obsession with The Light could leave Mason seeing stars. No matter how their fight turns out, I know someone who’s gonna be watching it very closely, and that’s me! I’ve got a chance to earn a shot at The Ascension Title on the same show that’s gonna feature Lesley versus Mason, so you can bet your sweet asses that this bad motherfucker will be watching them like a hawk. So because he’s got all of the tools needed to topple the champ, Lesley Adora has just made my Fab Four! Congrats for now, motherfucker!


JULIUS: There’s been a lot of new faces showing up in Project: Honor lately, and one of them from Proving Ground who’s caught my eye is this mysterious motherfucker! He made his debut against MYOJIN on Pay Per View, because they have some storied history that predates Arata’s arrival in Project: Honor. While Arata came up short, it was not only a close match but a damn good one as well. This past week, we got to see what happens when a pissed off Asakura steps between the ropes. Now his opponent may not be considered one of the elite like MYOJIN, but it still only took Arata three moves to put Serrano down for the count. Hell, it probably wouldn’t have taken that many if he wasn’t looking to take out some aggression. The bottom line is that this is one bad motherfucker to keep our eyes on, and he may just be a dark horse in Proving Ground’s upcoming rumble. So for opening some eyes and putting motherfuckers on notice, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!


JULIUS: Now here’s a bit of business I never thought we’d see. Me and this motherfucker have spent most of 2021 beating each other up, because he don’t like my style and I don’t like his brand of crazy. Then DeMarco decided to put us on the same side, and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t a bit of magic between Pyro and yours truly. Now I ain’t being biased here, because Pyro also took the win for our team over another team that consisted of The Prime Champion and his number one contender. Take my ass out of the equation, and I’d still have to consider Pyro worthy of my motherfucking list! There’s some rumblings that Fire and Ice might just keep this tag team thing going, and as much as I love going to war against him, I like winning wars with him even more. So for being a surprising damn good tag team partner and giving us the win over two of Fallout’s best, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!


JULIUS: Last but not least this week, is another new face on the Proving Ground brand! Now at first glance, it’s hard to know what to expect from a motherfucker like Will Riley. He’s a black trunks and boots, no nonsense kind of guy. He ain’t flashy or flamboyant like a lot of motherfuckers around here. He just wants to get into that ring and tear some motherfuckers apart with his God-given ability. That’s exactly what he did last week when he teamed up with Ulf Hednir to take on Valkyrie and Cadillac Jackson. This was the closest match in Indy Darling’s Friends Like These competition, and Will got his hand raised when the referee decided to stop the match to prevent Valkyrie from suffering an injury! Believe me, Valkyrie turned some heads with that performance and almost found herself on the list because of it, but in the end I had to give the nod to the motherfucker who won the match. Just like Arata Asakura, this motherfucker turned heads, and for that he’s just made my Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!

The graphics fade from the screen to show Julius nodding at the camera.

JULIUS: There were a few others who were damn close to making my list, but these four made the final cut and if you don’t like it you can kiss my beautiful ass! That being said, if you want to see your own pretty face in my Fab Four, get out there and turn some motherfucking heads for yourself! Now don’t go anywhere, because coming up after this commercial break is my motherfucking F Grade!


When we return from commercial break, Julius is shaking his head in disbelief.

JULIUS: What the motherfucking fuck? I thought that kid cleared everything up when it came to him and Gerald’s special relationship, but I guess some motherfuckers just won’t leave a sleeping giraffe alone. As the proud adopted parent of a motherfucking lemur, I feel your pain, TJ. Hang in there, motherfucker.

Julius then turns to face a different camera as the graphic for his next segment comes on the screen.


JULIUS: I ain’t about to question the loving bond between a boy and his giraffe, so TJ is not the star of my F Grade this week. Now some of you might be expecting me to put the Fairweather Revenge Squad in my F Grade, but since I don’t know which motherfucker is behind that shit for sure… *cough*jamesedgebrooke*cough*...I’m gonna refrain from calling them out and giving them valuable air time. Instead...let’s take a look at this motherfucker...


JULIUS: I ain’t gonna lie; a little piece of me died on the inside when I finally came to this decision. I admit, I love me some Pat the Postman. Who doesn’t? He makes children all around the world scream with glee just by looking in their direction. He loves animals and old people. He has the kind of move-set that makes a cruiserweight jealous, and the motherfucker weighs over 400 pounds! Not only that, but he delivers packages that make motherfuckers smile, holding down a full-time job at the post office while still traveling the world with Project: Honor. Unfortunately, all of that ain’t enough to keep him out of my F Grade.

JULIUS: Ever since he lost that Mailroom Massacre to TJ Thompson, it’s like Pat just hasn’t been the same. He was the first man eliminated in The Gates of Hell, he was squashed by the returning Dickie Watson, and he even gave that idiot, Serrano Poblano his one and only win in Project: Honor. The man is in a slump, and while sleet, snow, and rain may not stop him from delivering the motherfucking mail, it’s starting to seem like just about everything can stop him from being at the top of Proving Ground.

JULIUS: Like I said, I love me some Pat and I know you do too. That’s why I’m putting him in my F Grade this week. It’s all outta love, motherfucker. We’ve got to light a fire under that big, old ass of yours and get you back on track! We need to see the monstrous but still loveable Pat cause some motherfucking havoc in Proving Grounds rumble next week! Like a phoenix from the motherfucking ashes, we need to see Pat rise above all his detractors and show them exactly “What’s in the Box”. So I hope that massive mailman takes this F Grade with a grain of salt, gets up off his ass, and starts destroying motherfuckers like we know he can.

The graphics fade from the screen once again, as Julius remains behind his desk with a serious expression on his face.

JULIUS: You’re breaking my motherfucking heart, Pat. Now go break some motherfucking necks. As for the rest of you, stick around, cause we’ll be right back with my F Bomb after this final commercial break!

**********

JULIUS: Now that’s a motherfucking board game I can get behind! I may look out for Savannah like a big brother, but I still like to see her pretty face on a package! Now go out and buy that special edition of Candyland, cause it’s fun for the whole motherfucking family!



JULIUS: It’s time once again for me to leave you all with some motherfucking words of wisdom. This week the letter F stands for…

firework

    [ˈfī(ə)rˌwərk]

        NOUN
        a device containing gunpowder and other combustible chemicals that causes a spectacular explosion when ignited, used typically for display or in celebrations.
        "they were oohing and aahing as if they were watching the fireworks" 

    synonyms: pyrotechnics · explosions · illuminations ·

JULIUS: Now I know this ain’t gonna apply to my motherfucking studio audience or all of you motherfuckers watching at home, but by the time I’m done it just might. Back in my home country, we recently celebrated American Independence Day, which happens to fall on The Fourth of July. I flew back home over the weekend to have some homemade apple pie while motherfuckers all around Detroit were blowing their own fingers off with homemade fireworks. I even went to a parade, drank a few American beers, and played a few rounds of that dumbass Cornhole game that people seem to enjoy so much. Then I went out and watched another fireworks show, and in the middle of it I couldn’t help but think of all my Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather.

JULIUS: It seems like there’s always some fireworks going off in Project: Honor, and the reason is because all you motherfuckers are out there cheering us on. You might be chanting our names or telling us we suck, but all those loud voices in the crowd motivate us in some fashion. Personally, I like it when the female fans show me their appreciation, while some of my co-workers might be doing it for the kids like John Blade, or for all the dreamers out there like Mason Destruction. The bottom line is that you crazy fans of Project: Honor are our motherfucking fireworks, and we appreciate each and every one of you.

Julius pauses as patriotic music begins to emerge from the studio’s sound system, growing louder with every word he speaks.

JULIUS: Just remember, while you’re eating your popcorn and waving your foam fingers, that your favorite Project: Honor stars are fighting for their right to live, to exist, in Rock Johnson’s crazy world of violence. And should we win, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday but as the day when the roster declared in one voice, “We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going to survive. Today we celebrate our motherfucking Independence Day!”

The music reaches its crescendo and then fades away, as Julius smiles at the camera.

JULIUS: Damn, I love that motherfucking movie. Now here’s a video of some fireworks shooting out of Katy Perry’s ta-tas! Be cool or be gone, motherfuckers, and I’ll see you all next time!

Sure enough, Katy Perry’s “Fireworks” begins to play as Julius gives Winston a parting fist bump and The Swallows twins jiggle and gyrate in the background. The camera slowly pans back to show the applauding audience as the credits roll and another F Word reaches its conclusion.


If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:

And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.