Post by ttthet on Jun 30, 2021 20:59:03 GMT -5
The scene starts with a flashback to Hell on Earth. TJ Thompson has just fallen off the ladder and the championship is between him and Emmanuelle.
TJ Thompson (inner monologue): Ow. That hurts. I didn't know falling off ladders wasn't fun! Heeeeey, the title's right there! I didn't know it was so shiny. Maybe because I had it. All I have to do is grab it! It's not that far awa-
Emmanuelle grabs the title off the ground and retains her title.
TJ Thompson: Oh. Okay. Shit.
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Our scene starts once again at the world-famous HIP HOUSE. TJ Thompson searches the fridge and realizes that he's out of pizza rolls as Gerald the Giraffe looks on.
TJ Thompson: Shit. What am I gonna do without pizza rolls? HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT PIZZA ROLLS?!?
Gerald: giraffe noises
TJ Thompson: Right. I should probably buy some more pizza rolls. Good idea, bro. You should go to college or something.
TJ grabs his wallet and walks out of the house only to see a group of protesters outside of the house, waving signs and chanting "FREE THE GIRAFFE".
TJ Thompson: Man. I didn't know we were THAT famous! Y'all want autographs or something? I might have forgotten what my signature looks like, but I can give it a try.
Protester #1: Free Gerald!
TJ Thompson: A no on the autographs? That's okay. Gerald? Why? He can leave anytime he wants. He just doesn't know how to use doorknobs. You know, the whole thing with opposable thumbs. But why do y'all think he needs to be freed? He's happy! He's fine! Doing giraffe things!
Protester #2: We know what you've been doing to him! We watched Hell on Earth!
TJ Thompson: The fuck did I do at Hell on Earth? Besides lose? And cause bodily hard to a shit ton of people? Gerald wasn't even there! It's hard to get him on a plane.
Protester #2: Oh really? We heard all about your "private time!"
TJ Thompson: Huh?!? Oh. Oh no. It's not what you think it is! I'm not that sus! GOD, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I DO WITH HIM?!?
Protester #3: Well what does "private time" mean?!? WHAT DOES THE GIRAFFE DO FOR YOU WITHOUT YOUR HAND IN PRIVATE?!? YOU SICKO!!!
TJ Thompson: ...I play Wii Sports Bowling. I can't do that with one hand! You nerds wouldn't understand. Gerald's a god at that thing. What did you think he was doing?
Protester #3: He's not...that's cap! You know what we're talking about! Don't try to lie to us! We're smarter than that! Now let him go back to where he belongs! The wild!
TJ Thompson: He was literally stolen from a zoo. And no. I really don't know what you're talking about. Were you talking about Wii Sports Golf or something? He's not very good at that.
Protester #4: You must think we're stupid or something.
Yung Sauce walks onto the porch.
TJ Thompson: I mean, yeah. But I actually don't know what you're saying! He's not being mistreated or anything, he's fine!
Protester #4: IS THE GIRAFFE SUCKING YOUR DICK OR NOT?!?
TJ Thompson: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? I HAVE SAUCE'S MOM FOR THAT, YOU HEATHENS!!!
Sauce walks out of the house without a word. As soon as he's out of sight, we hear a screech of "GOD, WHY?!?"
TJ Thompson: Goddamn, you guys gotta chill! I don't know where you got that from! Y'all got dirty minds! Find god! Find Jesus! Anyone with a functioning brain knows that private time means Wii Sports Bowling! Do you guys just associate everything with sex?!? Get help!
Protester #1: What...this guy trained a giraffe to play mid-2000s video games? That's gotta be cruel and unusual punishment. FREE GERALD!
Protesters: FREE GERALD!
TJ Thompson: Man, nothing makes you guys happy! Just leave us alone! If he wanted to leave, he would leave! He has legs! Double than the average human!
Protester #2: Giraffes aren't that smart! He doesn't know what's best for him?
TJ Thompson: Gasp. Now who's the animal oppressor now?!? Shame on you. Shame! Gerald is probably smarter than me! He reminded me to buy pizza rolls! WHICH I WAS GONNA DO UNTIL I SAW YOU PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY DOOR!
Protester #3: This guy can't be reasoned with. Which is why we called the cops! They'll be here soon to free that poor giraffe!
TJ Thompson: Bruh. These Karens, man. No chill. NO CHILL AT ALL!!! SNITCHES!
Just as TJ says that, a police car pulls up outside. A cop comes out and walks up to the porch.
Cop: We heard reports of a disturbance in the area. We're understaffed so it's just me, but you won't cause any problems, right sir? Can I come in?
TJ stares at the smug protesters with a scared look.
TJ Thompson: I...I guess.
TJ leads the protester into the HIP HOUSE where Sauce and Gerald are vibing.
Cop: Is...is that a giraffe?!?
TJ Thompson: Uhh...no! That's Yung Sauce, silly! I know. Sometimes I get him confused as a giraffe too. His neck is long as fuck. But trust me, that's a human like you and me!
Cop: No, not that prepubescent boy, that yellow thing!
TJ Thompson: Banana man isn't here, fam…
Cop: I'm talking about the giraffe. In the living room.
TJ Thompson: Oh shit. Well...that's also Yung Sauce! They're both Yung Sauce. No giraffes here! Those guys outside are just haters. You can trust me.
Cop: I'm literally staring at a giraffe. Don't you know how many laws you're breaking right now? I could have you arrested on the spot!
TJ Thompson: You can't arrest me! I'm too famous! Also I can bribe you.
Cop: You can't bribe me...is that a recording studio? I have been looking for a place to record my mixtape…
TJ Thompson: YES! YES IT IS! You can use it anytime as long as you don't arrest me and let me keep Gerald! Sauce would be happy to help you out, right Sauce?
Yung Sauce: Well I was just gonna eat lunch-
TJ Thompson: See? He's totally willing!
Cop: You've got yourself a deal!
TJ and the cop walk out of the house to address the protesters.
Cop: Nothing to see here, folks! No giraffes in sight! Just some kid named Soup or something. False alarm. Don't call 911 as a prank, or next time I could have you charged!
Protester #1: But...but…
Cop: No buts! Now go home!
The protesters grumble and leave and TJ and the cop wink at each other. The scene fades to black as they both go inside.
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Man. Maaaaaaaaan. That was rough. Me and Saucey made it so far, but none of us were able to win! The pain never ends. Emotionally and physically. Mostly emotionally. I have Sauce's mom to help with my physical needs, you know? Sauce and I took that L. Petey...took an even harder L. That wasn't cool either! But...uh...at least I'm not Pat! That's always something to be grateful for. Even at my lowest. Even when the vibes are at their worst. There's always someone shittier than me! Nice. But Hell on Earth wasn't very good for the boys. We couldn't scrape out a win, but it didn't help that most of us were in the same match. And Petey was going up against two monsters! Sometimes he loses fights against his monkey! That was never fair. And now Petey's in the Warrior Rising title picture after being in the main event! Meh. It could be worse! I feel bad, though. I let Saucey down! Sure, I do suspicious things to him all the time. I might have sold him into mild slavery so my giraffe doesn't get taken away. But I still care about the guy! And after all we went through in Indy's fantasy booking fuckery match, I failed him after he sacrificed himself on some martyr shit. Damn. My bad, bro. We made it to the final three with that sweet 2v1 advantage, but we both lost! My belt was right there! On the floor! Until it wasn't on the floor. And the match was over. Not my finest moment. Fuuuuuuuuuck. This ain't cool, bro. But whatever. I might be sad about not winning. But before Sauce and I, there were five other bums eliminated! We can be proud of that, at least.
Sauce, that one's on me. I know how much you wanted a belt, but you gave it up because you wanted me to have a chance at winning! Also because you were trapped in barbed wire with no hope of getting out. I'm sure that was probably a factor too. Buuuuuuut I'd like to think that it was because of our amazing friendship! Yeah. The friendship. But anyway, my bad. I choked, which is something I can relate to your mom with, but now all we can do is move on! And we're definitely gonna move on with a fat dub. For sure. I see no way this one can go wrong…
Right? Yeah. Sure. I heard that those tag titles were vacant! That tyrannosaurus rex and the other guy ain't here anymore! W. That means that PH is in need of some new tag champs! And if you look around...there are literally no tag teams. I literally couldn't name a tag team that's not us in this place. What a shame, right? But don't worry, y'all. There's only one tag team you need! And it's us. Big Drip. Gimmie the belts, Indy. I know Petey and Sauce kinda got shit on the last time they were in the vicinity of those belts, but I'm goated. They'll be safe with us this time as long as I'm around to make sure they don't get thrown in the ocean or something! I gotchu. Besides, who else is there? Nobody capable of doing anything but us! We're the best...and only choice! Make the right call, bro. I know you're a smart guy...
Well anyway...on the next Proving Ground, Saucey and I are gonna go head to head with Emmanuelle and Myojin. Yeah. I know. It's not looking good. But hear me out. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE! LISTEN! HEAR ME OUT! HEAR ME THE FUCK OUT!!! This time will be different? I know, I say that all the time. But the fuck am I gonna say? We're about to take this L? Nah. I have faith in the homies! We got this! I know my opponents have like 2837272737949 wins combined over me, but...uh...shit. Well. I'm gonna snap the streak like a glowstick. Please. This is a chance to get some of that sweet momentum back with a win over two competent wrestlers! I know what y'all are gonna say. I KNOW! Myo's had good luck against me every time we've fought, but I have the goat, the underaged god, Yung Sauce! Myo lays one hand on him, and he's caught a case! Fuck yeah. Chris Hansen is already on his way. Have a seat, bro. Okay, maybe that strategy's not 100% fleshed out. But I'll figure something out. Sauce is a pretty good wrestler, too! Sure, in singles competition against Myo, things wouldn't be looking good. And yeah I'm only saying that because this isn't a singles match. In a tag match, we have a chance! A pretty good one, if you ask me! All we have to do is not fuck up too much, and it's ours. Not too much to ask, right?
First, we've gotta talk about the champ. Emmanuelle. You know what? I'll give her props. Good for her. She beat me as clean as you can in the tower of sadness and pain. But this ain't some structure! This is a real ring! And I've beaten her in the ring before in some tag match. I know. Y'all are gonna be saying shit about how tag matches don't matter. But they matter when it's convenient for me! And that's all that matters! So I think it's safe to say that I've got a pretty good chance at putting this chick away for a second time. But I won't deny that she's talented. She'll definitely give us a fight, but we got the teamwork that they don't. We got that CHEMISTRY! And it'll lead us to that dub! Maybe! Listen. I’m tryna be positive about this. After losses, I’m usually in a bad place, but right now, I’m just tryna focus on what’s ahead! Hopefully a win. Listen. I don’t wanna take anything away from Emmy and what she’s been doing. Well nah, I wanna take her belt...but...that belt would be mine if I had a real match for it. I’m not a hardcore guy. I try my best to stay away from sharp objects. And even with all that, I still outlasted everyone and made it to the final two! I was so close to getting that dub, even in a match that’s out of my wheelhouse. In a ring, I know I would win! I already beat her once in a match inside the ropes! But I know I’ve gotta work my way back up. I can’t just be asking for handouts. Even though Indy loves giving those out. To get a title match at all, I’ve gotta prove that I deserve to be in the picture! And the best way to do that is by beating the champ and Myo.
Emmy, here we go again. I’m sure you’re feeling good! Really good. And I don’t blame you for being confident. But if you think you can get another one over me...okay, I don’t blame you for that either, but you’d be wrong! I’ll give you your credit where it’s due, I guess. Nice job back at Hell on Earth. You retained your belt impressively! I’ll give you that. Good for you. But I feel like you’re getting overconfident. Just a little bit. You’re taking your winning ways for granted, and when you finally lose a meaningful match, you’ll have nowhere to go! Remember what you were before winning that belt? Stuck in endless matches against Caddy and whoever the fuck got stuck in there too! And then you get a title shot and turn all high and mighty on our asses. One loss can put you back in that spot, you know. As soon as that title belongs to someone else, there’s gonna be nothing for you. You’re gonna go back to being that slightly above average talent in the background that management doesn’t really care about. Trust me! At least people care about me, because of...my natural goatedness! But that’s something most of the roster doesn’t have. I’m sure you’ll give me a good fight, fam. I know what you can do, but it’s time for the drip to get this dub.
But she’s not the only one I’m facing. Sigh. Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Not this guy again. Myojin. Yeah. I know. If you thought the first one was bad, wait til you see what’s up with good old Myo. I know, fam. I’m aware of the extremely one-sided history between us! I swear, we’ve faced off 124783283947264 times, and he’s won every single match. I’m sure everyone’s prediction is that it’ll happen again! THEY’VE GOT NO FAITH IN YOUR BOY!!! Shame. What a shame! I don’t have true fans, I guess. But I get where they’re coming from. Every time it’s been close...kinda, but they’ve been on the right side of each match. But if there was a time to change that trend, it’s now! Not later. Later would be okay too, I guess, but now is better. Let’s fucking go! I’m pumped up. I’m hip. I’m ready to end this losing streak against them once and for all. I may never lose again. Okay. That one might be a little bit of a stretch, but you know what I mean. Our time has come! I know Myo won’t let us get it easily, but come on. I can’t lose against the guy this much, can I? This is gonna be a fight. A tough one! But I have faith in us to pull it out. To be honest, there’s only one wrestler that’s been my Achilles heel, and it’s the paleass motherfucker in front of me. It’s not their fault or anything, but I just need to beat them once! One time. It’s all I need. And I’m gonna take it right here.
Yo Myo, what’s good? I know what you’re expecting. The same TJ that you’ve beaten so many times before. And are you gonna get him?!? I mean...yeah. But I have Yung Sauce this time! He’s pretty good. And he’s gonna beat your ass too. I’ll say that I have respect for you, though! It’s not easy, beating me a million times. Well...I hope it’s not. I try my best, okay? And I know you’re expecting to just beat me yet again. Bad take. Trust me. This time’s gonna be different. I feel like you’re getting overconfident against me, and for good reason, I guess. You’re too comfortable. You’re relaxed. And you’re not ready for what I’m about to pull off against you. That’s okay. A lot of people aren’t ready. After all this time, I feel like you’re gonna underestimate me. Let your guard down. Flex a little too much, and then I’ll pull off what you secretly knew all along! I’m a real goat. This is a thing we know. But sometimes people forget. I might look unintimidating on the outside, but inside I’m a killer. Sure. Let’s say that. I’m gonna surprise you, Myo! You might be expecting the bum that you beat every time, but you’re gonna get a slightly more focused bum that you beat every time! I’m ready to shock the world and get this dub. I know you’ll put up a good fight. It would be concerning if you just laid down. But in the end, it’ll be me and Sauce coming out on top!
The casual fan might think that we’re fucked. But nah. In a singles match, they might be the favourites. But we’ve got something they don’t! Myo’s got a big ego. Emmy’s got an even bigger ego. They might SAY that they can work together, but come on. Let’s get real. All we’re gonna see is arguments and passive aggressive comments. But me and Sauce? We’ve got that chemistry! We know how to work as a team! We saw that at Hell on Earth and y’all are gonna see it again. As long as we stick to the plan, I don’t see a way we can lose. Emmy and Myo are good, but as a team, we’re better by far. And at Proving Ground, y’all are gonna see me proven right.
Pog.