The F Word: EP #12

The views expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Rock Johnson, Christian DeMarco, Indy Darling, or any member of the Project: Honor staff or roster. And while Caden Young may not be around as much as he used to be, it’s important to remember that he’s always watching us; like a flamboyant Santa Clause with better style. The F Word was filmed live in front of a studio audience at an undisclosed location in South America, because Julius likes to play hard to get.





WINSTON: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for your favorite exclusive program, The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! In this episode, Julius will sort out the madness of Hell on Earth as well as the most recent episode of Fallout, to bring you his expert evaluations and commentary! So without further ado, please welcome your host...The Weatherman...The Shepherd of Lost Souls...The Bad Motherfucker your mother loves to...well, you get the idea. He is simply furious...JUUUUUUULIUS FAIRRRRRRWEATHERRRRRR!!!!

The golden curtains behind Winston are tossed aside as the host of the show bursts onto the stage, giving his excited audience a wide smile. Julius strides up to Winston so they can exchange their normal, complex series of hand-slaps and fist-bumps, then wags a finger at the dancing Swallows Twins, and finally motions for the camera to follow him to the side of the stage. Julius takes his place behind his desk as the twins head toward the stripper pole and Winston gets comfortable on his couch.

JULIUS: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

AUDIENCE: What’s up, Julius!?

JULIUS: Aw yeah, you motherfuckers sound ready for some exclusive shenanigans, courtesy of yours truly! Well it just so happens that we’ve got a loaded show for you motherfuckers! It might even be more loaded than Winston’s adult diaper!

WINSTON: Oh? I told you that in the strictest of confidence...

The furious one snaps his head in the direction of his co-host and gives him that bug-eyed stare.

JULIUS: I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing!

Winston shifts nervously in his seat as he adjusts his tie.

WINSTON: Heh...you are correct, sir...

JULIUS: Now let’s kick this motherfucker off in style with a brand new...



JULIUS: This week’s verse comes to us from my dear, personal friend, John, who has a lot to say about some of the company’s newest motherfuckers!

Julius holds up his cue card, clears his throat, and begins to recite this week’s rhyme.

Julius takes a deep breath upon finishing his verse and stares at the camera with a shocked expression.

JULIUS: How many new faces we got up in this motherfucker? Better question, why don’t any of their motherfucking names rhyme so this shit can be easier? Right now I’m gonna go take a look at the roster and get up to speed on some of these motherfuckers, but we’ll be right back with this week’s Fab Four after a word from our motherfucking sponsors!


DISTORTED VOICE: Do you know what the Letter F should really stand for this week? It should stand for FAILURE. That’s what Julius Fairweather is. He’ll be the first to brag about being kicked out of amateur wrestling while in college, which led to him dropping out completely. That’s because he knew that he was nothing without the chance to fight. He then tried boxing, but received a lifetime ban because he couldn’t play within the rules. He couldn’t even make it in the lawless world of Mixed Martial Arts without blatantly cheating.

There is some brief static in the advertisement, as if someone is attempting to cut away from it early, but the pictureless message endures.

DISTORTED VOICE: Since joining Project: Honor, what has Julius Fairweather managed to achieve? When he had the chance to become the Tyranny of Evil Men, he failed. Against Drago Santiago, he failed. Against Pyro, he has failed again and again. Don’t expect anything to change because that’s what Julius Fairweather does. He fails. He always will.



Upon returning from commercial break, we see a confused and angry expression upon the face of The F Word’s host.

JULIUS: What the motherfucking fuck?! What was that shit about, motherfucker?!

Julius glares over at Winston who nervously shrugs his shoulders in response. After a few seconds of confusion, a look of understanding seems to wash over Julius as if he suddenly realizes what’s happened.

JULIUS: Ohhh...I see how it is. I’ve been laying off James motherfucking Edgebrook lately cause I was starting to feel bad for the twitchy, little motherfucker, and this is how he repays my kindness. You want to play the pirate broadcast game with my show, James? Haven’t you learned a goddamn thing about me? You’re gonna regret that little stunt, motherfucker, cause nobody plays that game better than me!

WINSTON: Um...sir? Are you sure it was James…

JULIUS: Shut the fuck up, old man! When I want your opinion I’ll shove my fist up your ass and work your mouth like a motherfucking puppet! Now enough of Edgebrook and his bullshit...we’ve got a show to do!



JULIUS: There weren’t a lot of matches on Fallout this week, but that’s because Proving Ground had itself a big motherfucking Pay Per View called Hell on Earth! There were still plenty of moments and matches for me to pull apart, and there’s plenty of motherfuckers who deserve to get the spotlight in my Fab Four! Let’s start that shit off with someone who made my motherfucking list last week!


JULIUS: On my last episode, I singled out Mason as someone to watch out for, and now that motherfucker is the new Ascension Champion on Fallout! Now it’s true, I thought Lesley Adora had a pretty good shot as well, but I knew it was only a matter of time before this motherfucker had gold around his waist! He’s got heart and desire in spades, something previous champions in this division may have been lacking. Not only that, but he’s a tough motherfucker and it ain’t gonna be easy taking away his gold if he’s determined to keep it! I may be a bad motherfucker, but seeing Mason Destruction at the top of The Ascension Division kinda makes me glad I ain’t gunning for that gold! So for proving me right and putting three other motherfuckers in a flaming dumpster, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!


JULIUS: There were plenty of motherfuckers to choose from over on Proving Ground, from successful debuts to champions who were able to retain their titles, like Emmanuelle. Instead, I want to put the spotlight on this goofy motherfucker! If I were a betting man, I wouldn’t have had TJ Thompson making it to the end of The Gates of Hell with Emmanuelle, but that’s exactly what he did! Not only did he avoid getting kidnapped, but he made it all the way to the end of Indy Darling’s funhouse of pain to come within a fingertip of reclaiming The Warrior Rising Championship! Along with Yung Sauce, The Hipbeast endured his fair share of torture, but he dished it out as well! There may be a little more to Thompson than one-liners after all, and for that, he’s made my Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!


JULIUS: Hey, hey, hey! It’s my girl, The Candyland Queen! Not only is Savannah primed to be the next Noble Champion, but she went out there last week and won a main event match against the two top motherfuckers on Fallout! She outlasted that bad bitch, Kalya Richards, and the Prime Champion himself, Jason Long! The hits just keep on coming for Savannah, and she ain’t finished by a long shot! Now personally, I wish she’d avoid that motherfucker in the red mask like the plague, but I trust my girl to know what she’s doing. With the kind of wins she’s piling up, the Noble Championship may turn out to be her stepping stone to bigger and better things, and for that, she’s just made my Fab Four! Congrats, boo!


JULIUS: Now it’s time to recognize this big, bad motherfucker from Proving Ground! Mark Hunter was turning out to be a damned good champion on the blue brand, but now his time is up thanks to The Butcher of Reine! Ozymandias may have pinned Petey to win the gold, but that shit doesn't matter in the end! He’s still the champion, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Petey’s involvement in the title match was a part of Ozy’s master plan from the start! It’s easy to look at this big bastard and think he’s just a monster with muscles, but there’s a devious brain lurking inside that thick skull, and Proving Ground might be in for a whole new level of insanity with his ass on top of the heap! So for winning The Grand Championship and reigning over the blue brand like a tentacled dictator, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!

The graphics fade from the screen to show Julius nodding at the camera.

JULIUS: There were a lot of close calls this week, and a couple motherfuckers just barely missed making the grade. From Dickie Watson’s big return to the impressive debuts of Arata Asakura, Tara Fenix, and Ulf Hednir, I had my motherfucking work cut out for me. So if you don’t like those four faces, tough shit! Step up on Fallout and Proving Ground next week and you just might see your own face smiling back at you! Now let’s take a break for a word from another sponsor...a real sponsor this time...and we’ll be right back to reveal who earned my F Grade!

The following message was paid for by The Fairweather Revenge Squad

DISTORTED VOICE: Do you know what the Letter F should really stand for this week? It should stand for FRAUD. We already know that his real name is Luther Franklin and that he’s failed at everything he’s ever attempted in his life, but how else has Julius managed to pull the wool over our eyes?

Much like last time, there is some brief static in the advertisement, but the ominous voice continues to send its message.

DISTORTED VOICE: He debuted as Indy Darling’s friend and partner, but that turned out to be a lie. He aligned himself with Victoria Strader, but when she was handed her walking papers, he chose to selfishly stay with Project: Honor instead of showing solidarity with his partner. He’s allied himself with the likes of Matt Knox and Pixie Sloan, but where are they now? They’re gone, but Julius is still here. This is no coincidence. Julius knows he can’t eliminate the competition in the ring, so he pretends to befriend them for his own personal gain. The real question should be, who’s next? Jason Long? Savannah Sunshine? Maybe even Pyro? Julius Fairweather is a self-serving con-man with no concern for anyone but himself. He’ll use anyone to get ahead, because he can’t do it on his own.


When we return from commercial break, Julius is standing up behind his desk, throwing anything he can get his hands on. Winston barely manages to duck a coffee mug as it whizzes over his head, while the Swallows Twins hold each other and cower behind their stripper pole.

JULIUS: MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY MOTHERFUCKING PRODUCTION BOOTH?!

Julius manages to dial back his anger as he leans forward with both hands on his desk.

JULIUS: Edgebrook...you weasley looking motherfucker...I knew I was right to call you out and that proves it. We may have had an unspoken truce the past few weeks, but that shit’s done and over with! You’d better have eyes in the back of your head, motherfucker, cause the only prediction for next week’s Edge that matters, is that I’ll be there for a little revenge of my own.

Julius continues to stare at the camera as he slowly sits back in his chair. Winston, in a quiet voice, carefully tries to reason with his employer.

WINSTON: Sir, maybe we shouldn’t rush to conclusions. You have a lot of enemies…

Julius shoots the middle-aged man a violent look, which immediately silences him. Without saying a word, Julius slowly turns his gaze back toward the camera as the following graphic appears on the screen.


JULIUS: Enough of that bullshit. I know you motherfuckers are just as upset about not getting ads for Big Drip merchandise as I am, but rest assured I’ll handle this shit in due time. I’m already pissed off and fired up, but right now, it’s time to reveal which motherfucker had me pissed off last week...


JULIUS: On one hand, I should be considering this motherfucker for my Fab Four because he’s the new X-Factor Champion, but on the other hand, he beat down my boy, Indy, and took the title by forfeit. Frankly, that forfeit shit doesn’t bother me. If his opponent didn’t have the balls to show up, it ain’t Lance’s fault. Then again, this motherfucker’s ego is getting bigger than Pat the Postman’s waistline! Yeah, props on beating Cadillac Jackson and MYOJIN on your way to the gold, but you also terrorized a pregnant woman and tried to destroy your best friend just to get ahead. Despite what that motherfucker in the last commercial might have said, I don’t appreciate that kind of shit.

JULIUS: So now you’re Rock Johnson’s boy or something? He says you’re the champ and possession is nine tenths of the law, so that makes everything okay? Yeah, you may be the champ for now, but something tells me you’d better watch your back, motherfucker. Championships tend to come with big old targets around here, and you’ve already got enough problems with Mark Hunter and MYOJIN breathing down your neck.

JULIUS: If there’s one thing that Gates of Hell Match showed us, it’s that the competition has never been hotter on Proving Ground. Just be thankful you’re not on Fallout where crazy motherfuckers like Pyro and Havoc could beat your ass, take your belt, and drain a majority of your motherfucking blood in the process. So for being a cocky douchebag, beating up an injured man, and turning on your best friend, you’ve earned my F Grade this week. Oh, and congrats on taking that gold.

The graphics fade from the screen once again, as Julius remains behind his desk with a serious expression on his face.

JULIUS: Now we’re gonna try this shit again. I have a special commercial from a new sponsor all lined up, and if that shit doesn’t play, I’m gonna beat a motherfucker’s ass.

**********

JULIUS: That’s more like it. Motherfuckers trying to ruin my motherfucking program with their propaganda. Nothing better to get that shitty smell out of the air than some new Big Drip merch. And now that I feel better, it’s time for...



JULIUS: It’s time once again for me to leave you all with some motherfucking words of wisdom. This week the letter F stands for...

Suddenly, the picture goes haywire and Julius’ voice cuts out, replaced by the same distorted voice that previously took over the spots in the show reserved for paid advertisements. Then, some familiar words appear on the screen, words from Julius’ last edition of The F Word...

father

[ˈfäT͟Hər]

NOUN

a man in relation to his child or children.
"Margaret's father died at an early age"

DISTORTED VOICE: This was Julius’ parting message on his last episode, finally revealing him for the hypocrite that he truly is. As much as he may like to be the illegitimate son of Samuel L. Jackson, Julius is actually the son of this man…



DISTORTED VOICE: His name is Eustace Carter, a Vietnam Veteran who lives in rural Mississippi. This man proudly served his country for most of his life, but now he lives in squalor while his very own son reaps the benefits of his celebrity status. While Julius lives in the lap of luxury, Eustace makes ends meet on a small piece of land that he farms by hand. Selling eggs by the dozen, Eustace can barely make ends meet, while Julius drives a golden Cadillac and smokes the finest weed. This is the kind of man you support, the kind of selfish coward who allows his own father, a war hero, to live in poverty and filth while he takes your money and spends it on frivolities. This is the kind of man Julius Fairweather really is, and this is what he really thinks about the supposed bond between a father and son. Shame on him, and shame on you for enabling him.

The transmission returns to normal and we see Julius dumbstruck behind his desk. For a moment, everything is silent in the studio, until Julius finally lets out a rage-fueled roar! He grabs his desk with both hands and flips it forward, sending everything on top of it crashing to the floor. Bambi and Candy run from the back of the stage, while Winston leaps off his couch and dashes out of sight. Julius then picks up his desk chair and begins swinging it at his own set, destroying everything in his path. As he continues to throw this violent tantrum, the credits for The F Word begin to roll, accompanied by Johnny Cash’s “God’s Gonna Cut You Down”. Whether the song was originally selected by Julius, or a continued prank on behalf of The Fairweather Revenge Squad is left up to speculation.


If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:



And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.