Post by ttthet on Jun 18, 2021 18:57:53 GMT -5
Our scene starts at an optometrist’s office. TJ Thompson is getting checked out by an optometrist for his red eyes as Gerald the Giraffe stands in the background, tagging along since he can’t be trusted alone with monkeys anymore.
TJ Thompson: Really, doc! At first, I thought it was just some fancy photoshop shit. You know how those graphic people are. Weird. But then I looked in the mirror and realized that my eyes were fucking red! I don’t think that’s how eyes usually look, right?
Optometrist: Well...your eyes are certainly red. Like a fire truck! Has anything gotten into them lately? Acids? Has anyone poked them with a sharp object?
TJ Thompson: Well I did accidentally walk through a lemon cutting competition on my way back from the latest kidnapping…
Optometrist: ...The latest what?
TJ Thompson: Kidnapping! Don’t worry. That shit happens all the time. I’m used to it. Anyway, you think the lemons are the culprit? I sure did get a lot in my eyes. I yelled at them to stop, but those hoes didn’t listen! I’m a famous wrestler for god’s sake!
Optometrist: Wow, you’re a wrestler? My son’s a huge fan of Project Honor! He watches it all the time!
TJ Thompson: ...And you didn’t recognize me? I’m a former champion there! And I’m about to get my belt back!
Optometrist: You don’t look like a wrestler, you might wanna bulk up. But you’ve really got a title shot?
TJ Thompson: Wow. Of course, I do! And most of my opponents are gonna be light work, if you ask me! I’m getting my goddamn belt back!
Optometrist: You’re not gonna go into a long-winded promo thing, are you-
TJ Thompson: You know what?!? I’ve got a lot of shit to say to these people that are about to take an L to your boy. I think I’ll talk my shit right now! No better time than the present. Also because there’s a camera crew up in this bitch.
Optometrist: Please don’t, this is an optometri-
TJ Thompson: Last Proving Ground showed what everyone already knows! We got the dub. The homies, back in business. They never stood a chance, especially when they were so outmatched by our pure goatedness. I handed Pat the L. Not for the first time. Not the second time. Not even the third time! God, this man is pure ass. No, that was the FOURTH TIME I’VE BEATEN HIS ASS AND I’M STILL BEING BOOKED AGAINST HIM!!! Man. They just don’t learn. What a shame. There are always things that never change. Death, taxes and Pat the Postman getting shit on by me. And I’m gonna make sure that stays the same at Hell On Earth BECAUSE I’M GETTING MY BELT BACK! I’M STILL THE LONGEST-REIGNING WARRIOR RISING CHAMPION OF ALL TIME! I LOST THAT SHIT AGES AGO BUT STILL, NOBODY’S BEEN ABLE TO BEAT IT BECAUSE I’M JUST THAT GOOD!!! Not a single Warrior Rising Champion has been better than me! Except for me. When I break my own record after handing seven other people the L at Hell On Earth!
Optometrist: Sir, please don’t yell-
TJ Thompson: Sorry. But anyway, I don’t care what type of match it is! I’ve never been one for the gimmicky fuckery, but I know I can win anyway. I know I can go through anyone on this goddamn roster. I want my title back, and I don’t care what I have to do! Well...I kinda do. But I don’t think I’ll need to do anything that bad. Most of the people in this match suck anyway. Trust me. I’ll be good. But you know who’s not good?!? I think we know where I’m going with this. Patty and Caddy. That’s right. I’m talking about both of them together. I can’t sit in this eye doctor’s place forever. Pat sucks. I think this is known by now. He’s gotta leave the wrestling business and start delivering mail full time because this is NOT working out. Did he actually win a match that one time? Actually yes. I was just as shocked as you. But those same people got jobbed the fuck out by Legacy and FIRED. They don’t have jobs because people that lose to Patty and Caddy don’t deserve to be wrestlers. We need to have SOME standards, right guys? I’ve murdered Pat every time we’ve faced off and it’s gotta be for a reason. And the reason is that he sucks. Ha. And the same goes for Caddy! We’ve faced off twice in tag matches with his partner that he loves so much and he’s lost twice. Also for a reason. Because I’m better! I will say that he does have a small inkling of talent! It’s there. Just tiny. But teaming with Pat covers it up like a wet blanket. It’s not good for him, man. He hasn’t been doing well! But maybe he thinks he has. His standards must be low if he’s teaming with Patty, right? Yeah. For both of them, this is gonna be another loss. Another L to a guy who’s just better. But I’m pretty sure both of them have to be used to eating pins by now.
But speaking of tag team partners, there’s the current champ! Emmanuelle! I’ve teamed with her once and it was actually pretty good. Pretty decent. We got the dub but I had to watch her win the belt that I used to have over good old Oasis. Yikes. I’ve got nothing against her! That one match we had together was nice. She seems nice...kinda. I don’t hate her or anything! But you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. She knows it. I don’t think she’ll be too sad about having to fight me which is fine! She’s cutthroat, but also talented. I’m a nicer guy, but I think I’m...a little more talented? I don’t know. I did get the pin in the tag match if that counts for something. This is her first defence, so I know she’s raring to go. She wants to have a long reign and it starts in a crazy eight-person match. But some things just aren’t meant to be. Sometimes things don’t happen the way we want them to. And her retaining just won’t happen when the goat is around.
I feel like Project Honor has a problem. Just a tiny one. They seem to hand out these title shots like candy, man! I swear if I walked down and asked whoever the Fallout GM is for a title shot, the man would say yes without hesitation. Without a doubt, I know that would happen. But anyway, I think PH needs to chill with the title shots. Who the fuck are Brandon Hendrix and Valkyrie and why do they deserve title shots on the same level as me and Yung Sauce? Why do they just get to walk in and get the chance to win a belt? That’s some bullshit, man. Some people have to actually earn shit and they just get it handed to them! If the six of us in that tag match were competing it would be fine. That would be great. Everyone could make a claim at the belt...except for Pat. But I guess Indy wanted to fulfill his little Gates of Hell fantasy booking so whatever. I guess some people have to go out first.
Brandon Hendrix seems like the type of guy to see himself as more than he really is. They gave him the debut squash so he doesn't look like a bum from the start, and I already know he'll get a big head about it. And I'm sure he thinks that he somehow earned this by beating up someone that a toddler could make tap out. Nah fam, you didn't earn shit! You're filler. You're here to fill up the spots so this match has a cool name. You know. For ticket sales and shit.
And exactly the same goes out to Valky over there. Lemme tell you. If you can't make it on Fallout, what makes you think you stand a chance on the superior brand? And something tells me that you thought of that name all on your own. Because from what I've seen from you, nobody's calling you anything but a taking of L's.
But next, there’s my second-favourite motivational speaker, Scott Oasis! He got me out of my slump with bribery! But some people are telling me that he’s just using me for my bread. Stealing my money and running away! But I think that’s wrong. I mean, first of all, the guy’s like 400 pounds. The man’s not running anywhere as long as he’s that chubby. Also he would never! I’m like...69% sure that he would never. He’s a pretty nice guy! He inspired me to leave the house after I lost my belt! With bribery? Sure. But I didn’t see anyone doing that! DId he do it so I would earn more money for him to take a chunk out of? Maybe? But I’m sure he still had good intentions besides that. But we’ve found ourselves against each other in this thing. No room for friends, we’ve just gotta take each other out. I get it. But i think I have a pretty good chance! He might be bigger than me. He might be stronger than me. He might take more pills in a day than I do in an entire year. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t give him the hands! He might be big, but he’s slow. I can run circles around him! Until I get tired. Then I’ll powerwalk circles around him. Trust me. He doesn’t stand a chance. He might be a former Warrior Rising Champion, but he’s not the best of all time! That belongs to me. By a long shot. I know he wants to get his title back, but he’ll have to settle for his short little run. He won’t be getting that back anytime soon. But it’s not all bad for him! Once I get my title back, I’ll probably get a sweet bonus. He’ll probably get his cut of it. I don’t even know how much it is. I’m not good at math, okay?!?
But finally we’ve gotta talk about Yung Sauce. My fellow Big Drip brotha. We’re usually on the same side of everything, but only one person can win this! And I really want my belt back. Sorry. I’m greedy. But we should help each other out! Obviously I ain’t letting you win and you shouldn’t let me win, but if anyone gets up to any suspicous business, we’ve gotta have each other’s backs, you and me. We’re bro’s. If someone tries to stab me with a sharp object, you should probably pull me out of the way. And I’ll do the same for you! Smooth. If I can’t win this, I know you’ll pull through and pick up the dub for the boys. Bring gold back to Big Drip. But I’m greedy, so it’s gotta be me. Still, though. It’s gotta be me and you in the finals. I know we can do it because we’re way better than the rest of the peeps in this thing. We’re a step ahead. We’re goated. And in the finals, may the best man win! The best man is probably me, but I’m sure you’ll give me a run for my money. It’s gonna be tough and I know you’ll give it your all! I’ve seen what you can do and it’s obvious that it’s gonna be me and you in the end. But I want it more. I’ve had a taste of what it’s like to be a great champ and I need it again! No hard feelings, though! I believe in you to make it far.
Optometrist: Who are you talking to…
TJ Thompson: That camera crew over there!
Optometrist: Wha...get out of here! You didn’t get permission to film!
The camera gets shaky and quickly cuts to black as the optometrist puts his hand over the lens. We fade to black.