Post by serranopoblano on Jun 12, 2021 22:26:38 GMT -5
Safe within the confines of his Hotter Than Hell test kitchen, the combat sports chef known as Serrano Poblano is preparing to face one of his toughest challenges yet; a new superstar known as Ulf Hednir. Coming off a disappointed but expected loss from Aiden Reynolds, The Heater is extra motivated to make an impact at Hell on Earth.
SERRANO: No dark match for me this week! I’ve made it to Pay Per View, and I can’t let this opportunity go to waste! Ever since our match was announced, I’ve been living off nothing but mutton and mead! After all, if you’re going to defeat an opponent, it’s important to occupy their skin like a deranged serial killer. In order to overcome Ulf Hednir, I must first become him!
With the cameras rolling and capturing his every move, Serrano places a plastic child’s Viking helmet over his spiked blonde hair, historically inaccurate horns and all.
SERRANO: I may not know much about you yet, Ulf, but by the time Hell on Earth comes around, people will have to use Google Translate just to know what in the hell I’m talking about! It’s Hell on Earth after all; the hottest event of the year! Why I’m not on the poster is a mystery, but once I bring the heat to everyone in that arena, the days of people overlooking Serrano Poblano will come to an end!
The Sultan of Spice picks up his drinking horn and chugs down a thick substance, which more closely resembles mayonnaise than mead. With a thick, white ring around his mouth, he then continues to cut his rather generic promo.
SERRANO: I’m gonna beat you like an egg, boy! I’m gonna tenderize you like a grizzled piece of meat, man! I’m gonna fry you like chitlins, child! Why, I might even toss your salad if the situation calls for it!
The Heater leans back into a tall stool and puts his feet onto the counter, revealing a pair of boots lined with thick and matted goat’s hair.
SERRANO: I’ve embraced my inner Viking, my Berserker, my very own heathenistic Pagan! Aiden Reynolds got the better of me, not only because he is a world-class competitor, but because I didn’t go full Australian! I couldn’t bring myself to eat that vegemite or put my shrimp on some chick named Barbie. I didn’t even watch Crocodile Dundee, but to prepare for Ulf Hednir, I did watch The 13th Warrior and How to Train Your Dragon! I even read that one issue of Thor where Loki turned him into a frog! Well you won’t turn me into a frog, Ulf, but I will turn you into just another name on the very short list of competitors who have fallen before the fury of Serrano Poblano!
As his time begins to run short, Serrano digs into his pocket and pulls out a can of Skoal chewing tobacco. He tosses the lid aside, grabs a thick pinch of the contents, shoves them in his mouth, and finally chews and swallows.
SERRANO: Did you see that, Ulf! I can do the Skoal too! I can...I can...oh Christ on a crutch...I’m gonna blow chunks…
With that, Serrano scrambles off the stool and rushes off camera. Thankfully, we are not subjected to the violent vomiting that follows, as the scene fades away with the sound of his first gagging heave.
SERRANO: No dark match for me this week! I’ve made it to Pay Per View, and I can’t let this opportunity go to waste! Ever since our match was announced, I’ve been living off nothing but mutton and mead! After all, if you’re going to defeat an opponent, it’s important to occupy their skin like a deranged serial killer. In order to overcome Ulf Hednir, I must first become him!
With the cameras rolling and capturing his every move, Serrano places a plastic child’s Viking helmet over his spiked blonde hair, historically inaccurate horns and all.
SERRANO: I may not know much about you yet, Ulf, but by the time Hell on Earth comes around, people will have to use Google Translate just to know what in the hell I’m talking about! It’s Hell on Earth after all; the hottest event of the year! Why I’m not on the poster is a mystery, but once I bring the heat to everyone in that arena, the days of people overlooking Serrano Poblano will come to an end!
The Sultan of Spice picks up his drinking horn and chugs down a thick substance, which more closely resembles mayonnaise than mead. With a thick, white ring around his mouth, he then continues to cut his rather generic promo.
SERRANO: I’m gonna beat you like an egg, boy! I’m gonna tenderize you like a grizzled piece of meat, man! I’m gonna fry you like chitlins, child! Why, I might even toss your salad if the situation calls for it!
The Heater leans back into a tall stool and puts his feet onto the counter, revealing a pair of boots lined with thick and matted goat’s hair.
SERRANO: I’ve embraced my inner Viking, my Berserker, my very own heathenistic Pagan! Aiden Reynolds got the better of me, not only because he is a world-class competitor, but because I didn’t go full Australian! I couldn’t bring myself to eat that vegemite or put my shrimp on some chick named Barbie. I didn’t even watch Crocodile Dundee, but to prepare for Ulf Hednir, I did watch The 13th Warrior and How to Train Your Dragon! I even read that one issue of Thor where Loki turned him into a frog! Well you won’t turn me into a frog, Ulf, but I will turn you into just another name on the very short list of competitors who have fallen before the fury of Serrano Poblano!
As his time begins to run short, Serrano digs into his pocket and pulls out a can of Skoal chewing tobacco. He tosses the lid aside, grabs a thick pinch of the contents, shoves them in his mouth, and finally chews and swallows.
SERRANO: Did you see that, Ulf! I can do the Skoal too! I can...I can...oh Christ on a crutch...I’m gonna blow chunks…
With that, Serrano scrambles off the stool and rushes off camera. Thankfully, we are not subjected to the violent vomiting that follows, as the scene fades away with the sound of his first gagging heave.