The F Word: EP #11

WINSTON: Ladies and gentlemen, it makes my nether regions tingle to welcome you to another exciting edition of The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! In this episode, Julius will take a look back at all of the exciting action from Fallout and Proving Ground, impart some words of wisdom like only he can, and show off some marvelous new products that fans of Project: Honor can’t live without! So without further ado, please welcome your host...The Weatherman...The Shepherd of Lost Souls...The man who is determined to turn Fallout into Fuckout...he is simply furious...JUUUUUUULIUS FAIRRRRRRWEATHERRRRRR!!!!

The golden curtains behind Winston are tossed aside as the man in question struts onto the stage, giving his excited audience a wide smile. Julius shows his appreciation to Winston for the introduction with a complex series of fist bumps and handshakes, gives a wink to the gyrating Swallows Twins, and then motions for the camera to follow him to the side of the stage. After taking his usual spot behind his desk, Julius shuffles a stack of cue cards as he welcomes his audience in his traditional manner.

JULIUS: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

AUDIENCE: What’s up, Julius!?

JULIUS: Oh yeah, Columbia is fired up tonight! We’ve got segments lined up tighter than your favorite nose candy, and I can’t wait to get started! How about you, Winston?

WINSTON: I’m quite excited to talk about…

JULIUS: Goddamn right you are! Now let’s kick this motherfucker off in style! It’s time for...



JULIUS: This week’s verse comes to us all the way from jolly ol’ England where amateur wordsmith, Stevie, likes to dabble in deep.

Julius holds up his cue card, clears his throat, and begins to recite this week’s rhyme.


JULIUS: Goddamn! Those were some tight little lyrics, Stevie! Although you seem way too invested in those motherfucking issues between Mark Hunter and Lance Williams. Maybe you need to take a step back and focus on something more light-hearted, like collecting some of the priceless merchandise I’m pimpin’ on this show! Speaking of which, let’s hear a word from one of my motherfucking sponsors and we’ll be right back with this week’s Fab Four!




NARRATOR: Put yourself in the shoes of the General Manager of Fallout or Proving Ground and make the lovely ladies of Project: Honor your playthings! Slam ‘em! Spin ‘em! Swap ‘em! The choice is all yours with Project: Honor Pawgs!


NARRATOR: The collectable trend of the 90’s is back with a modern twerk! Collect them all today and don’t miss out on the hours of fun!



JULIUS: Ain’t nothing like a playin’ with some Pawgs to put your mind at ease after a long week on the road! In fact, me and Winston just swapped our Bambi and Candy Pawgs last night! Ain’t that right, ladies!

Julius looks back at the twins who simply giggle in response as they continue to seductively slither around the stripper pole.

JULIUS: Coming up next, it’s time to find out which motherfuckers impressed me last week! Let’s go to the…

JULIUS: It was another crazy week on Fallout and Proving Ground, but I’ve done my due diligence and managed to narrow down this week’s Fab Four to a quartet of movers and shakers! Let’s start off with my first pick from Fallout…

JULIUS: This bad motherfucker is still somewhat new on the scene, but he’s already making waves! If he had been given a competent tag partner last week, I’d bet money that he’d be The Ascension Champion as we speak! He’s a no-nonsense kind of guy, and I did his motherfucking style! He’s catapulted himself from the backyard to the bright lights of Fallout, and there’s no telling how far Mason might go! He might have to get past another name in my Fab Four before he reaches that next level of stardom, but we’ll talk more about that in just a little bit. Until then, for jumping into the deep end without a motherfucking life jacket and swimming with the sharks, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!


JULIUS: My first pick from Proving Ground didn’t have a match last week, but that didn’t stop him from making a motherfucking impact! It turns out that Mark’s old buddy, Lance Williams, has been the man behind all of the crazy stalker shit going on in The Grand Champion’s life. So Mark called out that motherfucker in front of the entire world and promised to put an end to that psycho bulldozer! It was the kind of double swerve I didn’t see coming, but that wasn’t all Mark had up his sleeve for Proving Ground! He also got some payback against Ozymandias and saved Lil’ Petey from possible permanent damage in the process! So for being a stand-up guy and showing us that there’s more to Mark Hunter than sneaky pin falls and a cocky attitude, you’ve just made the Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!


JULIUS: I alluded to this motherfucker when I was talking about Mason Destruction, and here he is in all of his arrogant glory! While Mason almost earned himself The Ascension Championship, I can’t count out The White Rose either! One of these motherfuckers is gonna be the next champ of that division, mark my words! Now this guy may be all about the light and guiding the less fortunate, but take it from The Shepherd of Lost Souls when I say that he’s a motherfucking con-man who’s just begging to have his lights knocked out! The only thing is, so far he’s been able to back up all of his preachin’ in the ring. Leslie Adora and Mason Destruction are bound to face off sooner or later, but for all their differences in style, I ain’t about to count this motherfucker out! So you might look like a bitch, but at least you’re an entertaining one! For that, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!

JULIUS: Last and possibly least, it’s the little motherfucker who just won’t die! Lil’ Petey had the best 30 seconds of his post-pubescent life a few weeks ago when he brushed up against The Grand Championship, and because of that, Indy Darling gave him a chance to join the Hell on Earth main event with Mark Hunter and Ozymandias. All he had to do was not lose against The motherfucking Butcher of Reine. Well, that’s exactly what happened when Ozy said fuck the stipulation and tried break Lil’ Petey in half. Thanks to the DQ that followed, Lil’ Petey has his shot and he could very well be the next Grand Champion of Project: Honor. Just for making me utter that sentence, you’ve made my Fab Four. Congrats, little homie!

The graphics fade from the screen to show Julius shaking his head in amazement.

JULIUS: This motherfucking place...you just never know what might happen. One thing I do know, is that if you don’t like my list, go to Fallout or Hell on Earth and make some big fucking waves of your own and you just might see your smiling face in one of those spots next time! There’s so many new and promising motherfuckers showing up in Project: Honor, that it’s hard to tell who might be in the next Fab Four! Right now, let’s hear from another sponsor, and I’ll be right back with this week’s motherfucking F Grade!


NARRATOR: Twitter can be a magical place of red-ass bitches and off-the-wall insanity, which is why we’re keeping with the trends to bring you the latest in fashion! Straight from the Twitterverse, comes the all-new Project: Honor Lickass line of apparel!



NARRATOR: What? That isn’t enough ass-licking goodness? Then support your favorite brand with these exclusive Fallout and Proving Ground tees!

NARRATOR: So the next time someone calls you a Lickass on social media, take a selfie with one of these bad boys and say “Hell yes, motherfucker!” Show your Lickass pride today for just $34.95! Just call...


NARRATOR: Supplies are limited! Act now!

JULIUS: Sometimes I play with my Pawgs while I’m wearing my favorite Lickass tee-shirt. You motherfuckers should be doing the same! Unfortunately, now isn’t the time for fun and games. Now it’s time for...



JULIUS: As usual, there’s plenty of candidates for this prestigious dishonor, because there’s always some motherfucker around here who wants to fuck around and get on my nerves. This week’s F Grade goes to someone I’ve been keeping my eyes on. It may not be anything personal, but I’ve seen enough to call this motherfucker out with confidence.


JULIUS: None of us know much about the creepy bastard calling himself Redd other than the fact that he likes to play hide and seek with the ladies of Fallout. He shows up in his pretty red mask talking about how he wants them to achieve their full potential, but when they don’t jump through the hoops he puts in front of them, he starts to get all nasty. He hides behind his motherfucking mask and plays his little games, leaving cryptic messages and showing up when we least expect it. You know what that sneaky bullshit tells me? It tells me that the ladies he’s targeting have more balls than he ever could!

JULIUS: So now it seems like that motherfucker has set his sights on Savannah Sunshine, who just so happens to be a friend of mine. That girl’s a good kid with a bright future, and it’s only a matter of time before that creepy motherfucker starts taking credit for her success! With all his little mind games, it looks like he’s even driving a wedge between Savannah and my boy, Jason Long. Now it may not be any of my business, but when someone starts messing with the Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather, I tend to make it my business!

JULIUS: For now, I’m content to give his red ass an F Grade, but that motherfucker better realize that I’m watching him like Larry KaChow stares at Kalya Richard’s cleavage, only with more anger and less lust. I’ll let Jason and Savannah handle their own business, and I know the other ladies of Fallout are just as capable of kicking his ass all over God’s green earth as I am. So Redd, enjoy this motherfucking F Grade and be thankful that I’m too much man for you to be interested in. Just keep your creepy ass in line and we’ll be cool, or you’ll be gone.

The graphics fade from the screen once again, as Julius remains behind his desk with a serious expression on his face.

JULIUS: Yeah, fuck that guy. We’re gonna take one last commercial break and I’ll be right back with this week’s F Bomb! Don’t go anywhere!

NARRATOR: Proving Ground proudly presents...Hell On Earth! The saga between Mark Hunter, Ozymandias, and Lil’ Petey finally comes to a head with The Grand Championship hanging in the balance! Indy Darling has a tough decision to make regarding Lance Williams and The X-Factor Championship! Elena Dedraca and Pixie Sloane kick off the quest to crown a new Legacy Champion! MYOJIN faces Arata Asakura in an epic encounter! Witness the debuts of John Blade, Tara Fenix, Daniel Ackerman, and Ulf Hednir! And Emmanuelle seeks to defend The Warrior Rising Title against 7 hungry competitors by fighting through The Seven Gates of Hell! Proving Ground’s Hell on Earth...only on Pay Per View!


JULIUS: Hot damn! That Pay Per View is gonna be one crazy motherfucker! I may be biased coming from Fallout, but I’m personally looking forward to seeing Elena DeDraca throw down with my girl, Pixie Sloane! It’s hard to believe that shit’s only one week away, but before we start counting the rest of the days, it’s time for me to drop some final words of wisdom!



JULIUS: Hell on Earth may be next Sunday, but that ain’t the only big thing going down that day. It also happens to be Father’s Day! So in honor of all the Project: Honor dads, this week the letter F stands for Father!

father

[ˈfäT͟Hər]

NOUN
a man in relation to his child or children.
"Margaret's father died at an early age"

JULIUS: Maybe you don’t get along with yours, or maybe you’re like me and you’ve never even met the motherfucker, but next Sunday is the day for honoring fathers. Project: Honor has their own share of daddies, like Mason Destruction and Pyro, along with soon-to-be daddies like Mark Hunter. Then there’s yours truly, who is James Edgebrook’s daddy even if Twitter does think it’s some hobo motherfucker. We even have the boys from Big Drip who might be daddies, even if we’re all praying that they’re not.

Julius shakes his head and visibly quivers at the thought of another generation of little drippers.

JULIUS: I spend a lot of time on this show focusing on the mothers and the motherfuckers, but just so I’m not leaving anyone out, this episode is in honor of all the fathers and fatherfuckers out there. While those crazy fatherfuckers on Proving Ground might be spending the day killing each other at Hell on Earth, I hope you’re spending yours with your father, remembering him, or realizing that you’re better off without him. Whatever your personal situation may be, just know that if you’re feeling lonely and in need of some fatherly advice, I’m only a message away. You’ve always got a friend in me, and when that ain’t enough, I’ll be your daddy.

Julius gives the camera a sly smile and a wink.

JULIUS: That about does it from big daddy Julius this week, but don’t you shed any tears. I’ll be back before you know it with more F Word goodness. Until then, be cool or be gone.

The camera begins to pull back as Julius, Winston, and the Swallows twins celebrate another successful episode of The F Word, while Ugly Kid Joe's cover of "Cat's In The Cradle" begins to play along with the closing credits.


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