The F Word: EP #10

WINSTON: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my distinct honor to welcome you to another exciting edition of The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! Tonight, everyone’s favorite host will comb through the madness that was Fallout’s Disputed Territory Pay Per View and Lil’ Petey’s title opportunity to bring you all of the highlights that you crave! Speaking of cravings, let’s waste no more time scratching your itch and twitching for your fix! Please welcome your host...The Weatherman...The Shepherd of Lost Souls...the only man who is still undefeated in your hearts and minds...the furious motherfucker who makes the men mad and the ladies moist...JUUUUUUULIUS FAIRRRRRRWEATHERRRRRR!!!!

The golden curtains behind Winston are tossed aside as the clean-shaven and suave host makes his entrance, a bright smile plastered upon his enviable countenance. Julius nods his head in approval of the reception he receives before exchanging his normally complex series of fist bumps and handshakes with the middle-aged emcee. He then gives a sly wink to the gyrating Swallows twins before motioning for his entourage to follow him toward stage left. Once he’s exited the stage, Julius takes his place behind the desk as Winston makes himself comfy on the couch and the twin retreat to their stripper pole in the background.

JULIUS: What’s up, motherfuckers!?

AUDIENCE: What’s up, Julius!?

JULIUS: Goddamn! Now that’s the kind of enthusiasm I like to hear from my motherfucking audience! Just for that, I want you all to reach under your seats for a very special surprise gift…

Following Julius’ instructions, we see the audience members lean forward and reach deep beneath their seats, eventually sitting back up with several looks of confusion. We can see some of the members of the audience unfolding pieces of paper and reading the 10-digit number printed upon them.

JULIUS: In honor of my 10th episode, I decided that each and every one of you Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather deserved something special. That’s why you’ll find a phone number printed on that piece of paper. That number is your chance to have your voices heard, because it is the personal cell phone number for James Edgebrook himself! So if that squirrelly motherfucker gets on your nerves as much as he gets on mine, if you’re pissed that he bothered to show his face during my Fight Pit Match, now’s your chance to tell him how you feel! Either that, or wish him luck as he toils away on the independents in a desperate attempt to get up to my motherfucking level!

Some members of the audience actually begin to pull out their cell phones to try the number immediately, while others start to film Julius’ on the F Word set to send him videos by way of text message. Realizing this, Julius gives the crowd a big grin and waves his hand.

JULIUS: Whassup, James? If you think Joe Blow was tough, wait until I get my hands on you, motherfucker! Now sit back and watch this shit in utter amazement, cause I’m gonna show you how to put on a motherfucking program! Ain’t that right, Winston?

WINSTON: You are correct…

JULIUS: Shut the fuck up! I didn’t want to know that bad!







JULIUS: Now then, over the past nine episodes, I’ve brought you the best verbal stylings that my viewers at home have been able to produce. I’ve even dropped a few motherfucking rhymes of my own! Well, this week I’ve got something special. Please welcome to the stage, to give you a live reading of the epic saga between myself and James Edgebrook by way of The Viewer’s Verse...Mr. Morgan motherfucking Freeman!

The crowd erupts upon hearing Julius’ announcement, and sure enough, the golden curtains on the stage are pulled aside to reveal the legendary actor live and in person. With plenty of his own suave style, Mr. Freeman walks up to Winston’s microphone with a cue card in his hand. Once the audience quiets down, he starts to recite this week’s Viewer’s Verse in the way that only someone of his vocal stature can.

As Morgan Freeman finishes the final line of the epic story between Julius Fairweather and James Edgebrook, the crowd rise to their feet with a standing ovation. Even Julius rises, as he leaves his desk to join the legendary actor on stage, where the pair exchange a deft combination of hand slaps and fist bumps. As Morgan takes his bow, Julius turns his attention to the camera.

JULIUS: Give it up for Mr. Morgan motherfucking Freeman! Don’t you dare go anywhere, cause we’ll be right back with my Fab Four after this word from our sponsors!





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JULIUS: Mmmmm, that is some tasty pasta! A big thank you to Chef Boyardrip for sponsoring this week’s Fab Four! Now go microwave yourself a bowl of that shit while I drop some bad motherfuckers in your lap!



JULIUS: You all know how this game is played by now. I like to call out the four motherfuckers who did something special during the past week. Maybe they impressed me with a win or they cut a fire promo, hell, maybe I just like their motherfucking style! Well this week, I’m doing things just a little bit differently. Don’t get me wrong, these motherfuckers were still impressive, but instead of avoiding those familiar faces at the top of the card, I’m about to embrace each and every one of them! Let’s see our first title-winning motherfucker on the screen!



JULIUS: That’s right, it’s my boy! Motherfucking Jason Long did what me, Pyro, and Contessa couldn’t get done at Wired Consequences! He stepped up to the motherfucking plate and knocked Drago Santiago the fuck out! With that win, The King is now standing tall atop the Fallout mountain, with his kingdom spread out for him to see. The only thing is, he sees a bunch of motherfuckers who will be looking to take his crown for themselves! Hell, one of these days I might even be one of them, and I actually like the motherfucker! In all seriousness, Jason ain’t got nothing to worry about when it comes to yours truly. At least not yet. I’m willing to let him bask in the motherfucking glow of a well-earned victory. So for sending Drago out like he was in a Lil’ Petey crowd surfing competition, you’ve just made the Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!



JULIUS: Now over on the Proving Ground side of things, I was tempted to recognize the motherfucking efforts of Lance Williams and James Raven for making it to the finals of the X-Factor Title Tournament. I even thought about giving Petey his due for hanging onto that Grand Championship like the 30 second man he is, but even those accomplishments were overshadowed! Earning her spot this week is the new Warrior Rising Champion, Emmanuelle! Scott Oasis just got his hands on that belt, and I thought for sure he’d be holding onto it for a long motherfucking time. Then, here comes Emmy with all the style and desire a contender is supposed to have, and she knocks big Scott off his pedestal! I can’t imagine we’ve seen the last of them against each other in the ring, but for dethroning the Vanilla Gorilla, even if it’s temporary, Emmanuelle has earned a spot in the Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!





JULIUS: Just like I thought Scott Oasis would have a death grip on the Warrior Rising Title, I thought Kalya Richards would have to have a motherfucking toe tag on before she gave up the Noble Championship! Instead, Pixie Sloan called her shot and lived up to everyone’s expectations by winning her first title in Project: Honor! Now I don’t want to say last week was the time of upsets, because that would be a disservice to the kind of competitor Pixie is, but we’re talking about a pair of shows that were full of motherfucking titles changing hands! If you thought Kayla would be hard to beat for the Noble Championship, just wait until this bad mama gets started! For representing the sisterhood and all that shit, you’ve just made the Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!





JULIUS: Last but most certainly not least, did you ever think you’d see the day where I’d praise this cocky motherfucker! Well you should have, because it was only a matter of time until Shawn motherfucking Warstein became the face around this place! Not only did he win gold like everyone else on my list this week, but he did it by beating the unbeatable. If that isn’t a feat that deserves to put you in my Fab Four, I don’t know what is! Something tells me that Elena ain’t done with Shawn just yet, and she’s gonna want her rematch for the Legacy Championship, but until then, let’s show the Tyrannical Titleholder a little bit of the motherfucking respect he deserves. No, we ain’t gotta like his smarmy ass, but we damn sure better recognize. So for becoming ‘the man’ at the expense of ‘the woman’, you’ve just made my Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!

As the graphics fade from the screen, we see Julius with that trademarked bright smile as he nods his head in approval.

JULIUS: I know what you’re thinking. ‘Julius changed the rules! Those motherfuckers are in the Elite Seven!’ Well go fuck yourself sideways cause it’s my goddamn show and I’ll do what I please! Don’t like it, step up on Proving Ground or Fallout next week and do something about it! Now stay tuned, motherfuckers, cause we’ll be right back with this week’s F Grade after another word from one of our motherfucking sponsors!






JULIUS: What the fuck? How did crispy motherfucker get a spokesman spot on my motherfucking show? I fail to live up to my promise of putting him out of our misery, and now he’s got a motherfucking adult beverage to pimp? I don’t know whether to enter a deep depression or go buy a case so Winston can tell me if it’s as bad as it sounds. Anyway, I suppose it makes sense that Pyro Piss is the sponsor for this week’s F Grade...



JULIUS: So who really pissed me off this week? Well, as usual, it was a lot of motherfuckers. Now I don’t try to make things personal when I present my F Grade, otherwise Pyro and Edgebrook would have been featured for the past nine episodes. Instead of giving them the motherfucking dunce cap this week, I decided to share the love and hand out five of those motherfuckers! Put those sons of bitches on the screen!


JULIUS: You know what burns my ass? Well, besides Pyro and a waist-high bonfire, it really fires me up when motherfuckers phone in a goddamn fight! Those five faces you see on your screen are prime examples of phoning shit in. Let’s start with The Dragonslayers. Mitch and Mike, or whatever the fuck their names are, started off by showing a little bit of promise! They won their debut before taking their first loss, and after that it was all downhill. One of them fought Big Drip to a big draw and then last week they sucked hind titty against the makeshift team of Cadillac Jackson and Pat the motherfucking Postman! Now they’re being fed to the hounds of war in Legacy like they have Purina tattooed on their backsides!

JULIUS: Then you’ve got Kevin Nash Strader, who spends more time on his back than Lil’ Petey at a Mother’s Day banquet! We’re talking about a guy who makes Rapture and Serrano look like prime time players! Fuck this guy and his G.E.D. leather jacket! Somebody beat his ass in a loser leaves town match so I stop wearing out the fast-forward button on my motherfucking remote!

JULIUS: Now this next one really stings, because she’s hotter than Pyro’s anus after Cinco de Mayo! Just one look at Anastasia Baros and I’m thinking about eating Greek! I know I said that Kevin Nash Stra-Hunter spends a lot of time on his back, but at least he bothers to show up! This girl couldn’t even get to the arena for her debut dark match! I guess if she couldn’t even handle that, there’s now way she could handle the darkness I’d be giving her.

JULIUS: Last and possibly least, who the fuck knows in this quintet, is man whose parents were a Beverly Hillbilly and Indy Darling’s wardrobe designer! Motherfucker, if you’re gonna sport that much denim and a hat that would look better on a monkey, you’d better back that shit up! Instead, let me give you a sneak peak of what we’ve seen and heard out of Heathen Jones so far…

Julius stops ranting for a moment and everything in the studio falls silent. For an uncomfortable amount of time, all we see is the blank face of Heathen Jones staring into our souls. Finally, Julius ends our pain by breaking the silence.

JULIUS: I just cut a better motherfucking promo than Heathen Jones and I didn’t say a goddamn thing! All you motherfuckers need to wake the fuck up, cause you’re scheduled for some prime time fights next week, and as of now, it looks like you’ll all be leaving in the manner that we’ve become accustomed to seeing you in...on your motherfucking backs! Now get those underachieving motherfuckers off my screen!

The images of Julius’ five F Grade winners fade, and in their place we see Julius give a disappointed shake of his head.

JULIUS: I just gave those motherfuckers way more attention than they deserved, but I guess I’m feeling generous this week. Too generous to F Grade one one of the motherfuckers that shows up week in and week out whether they win or lose. Now I’m gonna take some of this motherfucking blood pressure medicine that Nigel left in my desk after the last episode, and we’ll be right back with my final word of the week in a little segment I like to call The F Bomb!





NARRATOR: Project: Honor changed the game with the debut of Proving Ground…


TREY BOOKER: You’ll only find this kind of wrestling action on Friday Nights!


NARRATOR: Then, they raised the stakes with the debut of Fallout…


ALARA ADAMS: You’re seeing the most hungry and driven roster in all of wrestling!


NARRATOR: And now they’re doing it again…









JULIUS: That’s right, motherfuckers! Tell your friends! Tell your neighbors! Project: Honor’s third brand is on its way and it’s gonna be hotter than its motherfucking namesake! And speaking of Supernova, it’s time for this week’s F Bomb!



JULIUS: This week the letter F can only stand for one thing...and that’s Franchise!

franchise

[ˈfranˌCHīz]

NOUN

1. an authorization granted by a government or company to an individual or group enabling them to carry out specified commercial activities, e.g., providing a broadcasting service or acting as an agent for a company's products.

JULIUS: We’ve got ourselves a franchise, motherfuckers! Project: Honor is moving forward by leaps and bounds with this new motherfucking show to highlight the rising stars of the company! As if Crazy Christian’s Traveling Sideshow and Indy’s Inglorious Basterds wasn’t enough, now we’ve got Supernova on the scene to put the business’s hottest prospects through all the trials and tribulations they can handle! This shit is gonna be lit up like my favorite midnight blend and we’re all gonna get a contact high before the smoke settles! So buckle up and get ready for the ride of your lives, motherfuckers! Shit’s about to get real!

Julius turns away from the hard camera so that we get a close-up of his smiling face.

JULIUS: And that just about does it for this week’s F Word. As always, much love and respect to my Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather, and we’ll be seeing you on the other side of more Fallout and Proving Ground shenanigans! Be cool or be gone, motherfuckers…

With another episode in the books, Julius reaches over his desk to give Winston a fist bump as Bambi and Candy shake what their momma gave them in the background. As Oasis’ 90’s classic “Champagne Supernova” plays throughout the studio, the audience show their appreciation with a round of applause...



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And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.