Post by cadillac on May 22, 2021 23:16:48 GMT -5
(On Camera)
ALRIGHT LISTEN UP!
(The scene opens with a shot of an enormous American flag waving proudly in the breeze. It sits proudly atop a mountain, or, rather a hill. In front of the flag stands Cadillac Jackson, in tight skinny jeans, a black tank top, black sunglasses and for some inexplicable reason a white fedora. Cadillac yells the opening line at the top of us a lungs, before ripping the tank top in half and off his body, as well as tossing the fedora off the hill. That hat really had too short of a run, IMO. But hey, I'm just a lowely narrator.
Cadillac's muscles ripple as the sun glistens off his abs and pecs, reminding everyone that while he's the world's largest tool, he's still jacked as all get out. Cadillac breathes heavily after his outburst, calming down before slowly removing his sunglasses.)
CADILLAC: Now look... I know I've got an ego the size of Ozymandias, and I'm known to throw around a lot of, quote unquote, unfounded claims... but there isn't a single man, women, child, ape or dolphin on this planet that can deny that this time? Ya boi has himself a bit of a gripe. Last week I told you all I was finally going to pull my head out of my tightttt little anus and get my career on track here in Project Honor, and guess what?? I did just that. Myself and the magnificent Pat the Postman went out there and DEFEATED one of the only teams here in Project Honor. Let that sink in for just a moment... Pat the Postman who is one of the most beloved, if not a tad unstable BUT BELOVED NON THE LESS... he and I couldn't be any more different. He's a monstrous bruiser of a man who has impeccable work ethic and morals. Me? The only thing monstrous about me is what's bellow the waist and morals? Hell I'd toss each and every grandmother in America down this hill and walk over 'em to get the respect I deserve. We're oil and water, and yet we came out victorious over a full fledge, 24/7 tag team.
So... I'm sure you, much like I was, are now asking yourself "so after getting the upset of the century, what did Caddy Daddy and Big Pat get for their glorious triumph?" Well if you guessed anything at all... You're incorrect! If you guessed absolute squat, diddly NOTHIN'...
THEN DING DING DING WE GOT OURSELVES A WINNER! Not only did we just get thrown into another random multiperson match up against Scotty Scott and the Dummpy Bunch... but the GOD DAMN DRAGON HUMPERS GET A TAG TEAM TITLE SHOT! Now, I ain't saying that I want the tag team titles, lord knows I love me some Postman Pat but I'm destined for bigger and better things currently. But the fact that we get what many considered an upset, then the guys we beat get a title shot for a title they've already failed to win is infuriating!!! And I, Pat the Postman and even Emm Dog 20 will not stand for the blatant disrespect! My buddy Pat is the PROFESSIONAL at making deliveries, and come Highway to Hell none of y'all getting any Christmas cards or All-State ads... but come rain or sleet or snow or ice you WILL RECIEVE THE ASS KICKING OF A LIFE TIME!!!
(Cadillac huffs and puffs, before finally calming down.)
CADILLAC: BUT... I digress. When life gives you lemons, throw 'em away cuz they kinda suck, then move on with your life.
Usually I'd stand out here and dance around why I think I'm going to win, how good my opponents are blah blah blah but I'm RIGHT PEEVED OFF so just like your sisters and mothers you're gonna get RAW Cadillac. There's no doubt that Big Drip is an enigma in Project Honor. Yay, woo dab dab dip dip hip hop... I'm sick of it! Talkin' but your booze cruise and throwin' your little parties... But I think that's all stupid! And it's absolutely not because I've never been invited to any of them... because I totally wouldn't go... even if I was invited... yeah.
REGARDLESS. All I ever hear is Sauce this and TJ that and it's frankly gotten older quicker than it took Little Petey to lose the Grand Championship. And Scott Oasis? You should add a second O to your entertainment brand, because you're the biggest BOOB I've ever seen. 6'4 270lbs and you're bouncing around acting cool, WELL SIT YOUR ASS DOWN FUNKY KONG because the coolest thing about you is how confident you were going into your championship match against my gurl Emmy at The Final Four. Emmy beat you in under ten minutes my dude, took your title and peaced. Though from the way you carry yourself I get the feeling you're used to finishing things under ten minutes and then watching them leave. You're a helluva competitor and believe me when I say I'm not looking forward to being in the wrong side of those massive arms and that train sized neck, but you proved last week that just like your boy Pete, you use that big neck to CHOKE in big match situations.
Speaking of losing, your boys aren't doing so hot either. Ol' Sauce couldn't even get a win over the DragonBuddy without the creepy mustache a few weeks back, and last time we saw TJ he got STOMPED by Myojin. Now I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the best win loss record in Project Honor, but I'm on a roll baybee, and I'm not going to let you Shadowville.com, free beat using PHONIES ruin the momentum that I've been trying to build. Me and Pat, we coming in hot. Emmy? She's coming in hot and carrying that beautiful, beautiful Warrior Rising Championship. We may be the under dogs, but as we showed last week? We all thrive under pressure. While the Drip Crew? Just trickles away under it.
This match is huge for all of us. Pat is hungry for those wins. Emmanuelle has a championship reputation to uphold now. And I've said it before and I'll say it again... This is my shot guys. Professional Wrestling means more to me than anything and I can't keep floundering around wrestling random tag match after random tag match. I should be getting title shots. I should be in the Elite 7. I should be talked about on The Edge and The F Word and The Drip Report and Alice's Owl Nest and Trey Bookers Bookin' It and whatever other goofy ass exclusives there are. Hell, I should be the one competing on Fallout and bringing more titles back to Proving Ground to cement it as the number one brand.
I should be the guy, I need to be the guy. But instead y'all just know me as the guy who wasn't even important enough to get his face correct on a pay-per-view graphic and barely made it into the arena. I've been a failure. A handsome one yes... but a failure none the less. But no more... No more. I've never needed the admiration of anybody, hell look at me, EVERYONE has always admired me. But I've never felt so out of place, so ignored. It's like everyone is too busy booking boat parties to remember this is a damn wrestling company. This isn't a game. This may be just another tag match to you guys. You're part of The Drip... you're living it up large and in charge. But to us? To me? This is big. This is an opportunity.
And I will not fail again.
(Cadillac scowls, before reaching down and picking up his ripped up tank top.)
CADILLAC: I liked this tank top, you jack wagons.
(He tossed it over his shoulder and heads off scene, leaving us with one final shot of the American flag that all things considered unsurprisingly had nothing to do with the scene.)
(Off Camera)
(Cadillac walks down the hill, away from the American flag which we can now see is just one of the flags hung outside of an Elementary School, but the angle didn't show that. Crafty little Jackson boys. Cadillac looks at Doobie who is holding the camera.)
CADILLAC: So what'd ya think? Was it too much?
DOOBIE: I mean other than you saying something about your 'tight little anus' I think it was good man! Kind of helps bring you back into a better light after your rough go of things.
CADILLAC: Hey man, you gotta fight fire with fire. The Drip Crew is cool as all hell, so I have to get a little edgy to get all those FortCraft kids to get behind me instead of them!
DOOBIE: Well regardless, I think this is a much better look for you than the past few weeks. You even got me believing you guys could actually win that match.
CADILLAC: Wait, you don't think we could win- oh no...
(Suddenly we hear the sound of a siren as Doobie and Cadillac get back to their car. Parked next to it is a police car, and an officer is standing out next to theirs. Cadillac sighs, wondering how he always seems to get himself into these positions.)
CADILLAC: Ahem. Evening officer, how can we help you?
OFFICER: I got a call from a concerned parent that a large man was standing out by the school, ripped his shirt off and started yelling about dabbing and... his tight anus? You got any idea what that's all about?
(Cadillac looks at the officer, then his shirtless self, then back to the officer.)
CADILLAC: Would you believe me if I said nooooo?
OFFICER: ... come with me boys. Let's get you a new shirt and conduct this conversation, you know, away from children?
CADILLAC: I understand officer, but you see I'm a professional wrestler, and myself, a postman and an international superstar need to get ready for our match against a bunch of sound cloud rappers and an enormous gorilla. So I really need to not be brought to jail-
DOOBIE: ... Are you trying to get us shot??
OFFICER: Do I need to use the hand cuffs?
(Cadillac pouts and sulks as the officer escorts him and a clearly upset Doobie into the police car, and down to the station to rightfully ask them about this incredibly stupid situation as the scene ends.)
ALRIGHT LISTEN UP!
(The scene opens with a shot of an enormous American flag waving proudly in the breeze. It sits proudly atop a mountain, or, rather a hill. In front of the flag stands Cadillac Jackson, in tight skinny jeans, a black tank top, black sunglasses and for some inexplicable reason a white fedora. Cadillac yells the opening line at the top of us a lungs, before ripping the tank top in half and off his body, as well as tossing the fedora off the hill. That hat really had too short of a run, IMO. But hey, I'm just a lowely narrator.
Cadillac's muscles ripple as the sun glistens off his abs and pecs, reminding everyone that while he's the world's largest tool, he's still jacked as all get out. Cadillac breathes heavily after his outburst, calming down before slowly removing his sunglasses.)
CADILLAC: Now look... I know I've got an ego the size of Ozymandias, and I'm known to throw around a lot of, quote unquote, unfounded claims... but there isn't a single man, women, child, ape or dolphin on this planet that can deny that this time? Ya boi has himself a bit of a gripe. Last week I told you all I was finally going to pull my head out of my tightttt little anus and get my career on track here in Project Honor, and guess what?? I did just that. Myself and the magnificent Pat the Postman went out there and DEFEATED one of the only teams here in Project Honor. Let that sink in for just a moment... Pat the Postman who is one of the most beloved, if not a tad unstable BUT BELOVED NON THE LESS... he and I couldn't be any more different. He's a monstrous bruiser of a man who has impeccable work ethic and morals. Me? The only thing monstrous about me is what's bellow the waist and morals? Hell I'd toss each and every grandmother in America down this hill and walk over 'em to get the respect I deserve. We're oil and water, and yet we came out victorious over a full fledge, 24/7 tag team.
So... I'm sure you, much like I was, are now asking yourself "so after getting the upset of the century, what did Caddy Daddy and Big Pat get for their glorious triumph?" Well if you guessed anything at all... You're incorrect! If you guessed absolute squat, diddly NOTHIN'...
THEN DING DING DING WE GOT OURSELVES A WINNER! Not only did we just get thrown into another random multiperson match up against Scotty Scott and the Dummpy Bunch... but the GOD DAMN DRAGON HUMPERS GET A TAG TEAM TITLE SHOT! Now, I ain't saying that I want the tag team titles, lord knows I love me some Postman Pat but I'm destined for bigger and better things currently. But the fact that we get what many considered an upset, then the guys we beat get a title shot for a title they've already failed to win is infuriating!!! And I, Pat the Postman and even Emm Dog 20 will not stand for the blatant disrespect! My buddy Pat is the PROFESSIONAL at making deliveries, and come Highway to Hell none of y'all getting any Christmas cards or All-State ads... but come rain or sleet or snow or ice you WILL RECIEVE THE ASS KICKING OF A LIFE TIME!!!
(Cadillac huffs and puffs, before finally calming down.)
CADILLAC: BUT... I digress. When life gives you lemons, throw 'em away cuz they kinda suck, then move on with your life.
Usually I'd stand out here and dance around why I think I'm going to win, how good my opponents are blah blah blah but I'm RIGHT PEEVED OFF so just like your sisters and mothers you're gonna get RAW Cadillac. There's no doubt that Big Drip is an enigma in Project Honor. Yay, woo dab dab dip dip hip hop... I'm sick of it! Talkin' but your booze cruise and throwin' your little parties... But I think that's all stupid! And it's absolutely not because I've never been invited to any of them... because I totally wouldn't go... even if I was invited... yeah.
REGARDLESS. All I ever hear is Sauce this and TJ that and it's frankly gotten older quicker than it took Little Petey to lose the Grand Championship. And Scott Oasis? You should add a second O to your entertainment brand, because you're the biggest BOOB I've ever seen. 6'4 270lbs and you're bouncing around acting cool, WELL SIT YOUR ASS DOWN FUNKY KONG because the coolest thing about you is how confident you were going into your championship match against my gurl Emmy at The Final Four. Emmy beat you in under ten minutes my dude, took your title and peaced. Though from the way you carry yourself I get the feeling you're used to finishing things under ten minutes and then watching them leave. You're a helluva competitor and believe me when I say I'm not looking forward to being in the wrong side of those massive arms and that train sized neck, but you proved last week that just like your boy Pete, you use that big neck to CHOKE in big match situations.
Speaking of losing, your boys aren't doing so hot either. Ol' Sauce couldn't even get a win over the DragonBuddy without the creepy mustache a few weeks back, and last time we saw TJ he got STOMPED by Myojin. Now I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the best win loss record in Project Honor, but I'm on a roll baybee, and I'm not going to let you Shadowville.com, free beat using PHONIES ruin the momentum that I've been trying to build. Me and Pat, we coming in hot. Emmy? She's coming in hot and carrying that beautiful, beautiful Warrior Rising Championship. We may be the under dogs, but as we showed last week? We all thrive under pressure. While the Drip Crew? Just trickles away under it.
This match is huge for all of us. Pat is hungry for those wins. Emmanuelle has a championship reputation to uphold now. And I've said it before and I'll say it again... This is my shot guys. Professional Wrestling means more to me than anything and I can't keep floundering around wrestling random tag match after random tag match. I should be getting title shots. I should be in the Elite 7. I should be talked about on The Edge and The F Word and The Drip Report and Alice's Owl Nest and Trey Bookers Bookin' It and whatever other goofy ass exclusives there are. Hell, I should be the one competing on Fallout and bringing more titles back to Proving Ground to cement it as the number one brand.
I should be the guy, I need to be the guy. But instead y'all just know me as the guy who wasn't even important enough to get his face correct on a pay-per-view graphic and barely made it into the arena. I've been a failure. A handsome one yes... but a failure none the less. But no more... No more. I've never needed the admiration of anybody, hell look at me, EVERYONE has always admired me. But I've never felt so out of place, so ignored. It's like everyone is too busy booking boat parties to remember this is a damn wrestling company. This isn't a game. This may be just another tag match to you guys. You're part of The Drip... you're living it up large and in charge. But to us? To me? This is big. This is an opportunity.
And I will not fail again.
(Cadillac scowls, before reaching down and picking up his ripped up tank top.)
CADILLAC: I liked this tank top, you jack wagons.
(He tossed it over his shoulder and heads off scene, leaving us with one final shot of the American flag that all things considered unsurprisingly had nothing to do with the scene.)
(Off Camera)
(Cadillac walks down the hill, away from the American flag which we can now see is just one of the flags hung outside of an Elementary School, but the angle didn't show that. Crafty little Jackson boys. Cadillac looks at Doobie who is holding the camera.)
CADILLAC: So what'd ya think? Was it too much?
DOOBIE: I mean other than you saying something about your 'tight little anus' I think it was good man! Kind of helps bring you back into a better light after your rough go of things.
CADILLAC: Hey man, you gotta fight fire with fire. The Drip Crew is cool as all hell, so I have to get a little edgy to get all those FortCraft kids to get behind me instead of them!
DOOBIE: Well regardless, I think this is a much better look for you than the past few weeks. You even got me believing you guys could actually win that match.
CADILLAC: Wait, you don't think we could win- oh no...
(Suddenly we hear the sound of a siren as Doobie and Cadillac get back to their car. Parked next to it is a police car, and an officer is standing out next to theirs. Cadillac sighs, wondering how he always seems to get himself into these positions.)
CADILLAC: Ahem. Evening officer, how can we help you?
OFFICER: I got a call from a concerned parent that a large man was standing out by the school, ripped his shirt off and started yelling about dabbing and... his tight anus? You got any idea what that's all about?
(Cadillac looks at the officer, then his shirtless self, then back to the officer.)
CADILLAC: Would you believe me if I said nooooo?
OFFICER: ... come with me boys. Let's get you a new shirt and conduct this conversation, you know, away from children?
CADILLAC: I understand officer, but you see I'm a professional wrestler, and myself, a postman and an international superstar need to get ready for our match against a bunch of sound cloud rappers and an enormous gorilla. So I really need to not be brought to jail-
DOOBIE: ... Are you trying to get us shot??
OFFICER: Do I need to use the hand cuffs?
(Cadillac pouts and sulks as the officer escorts him and a clearly upset Doobie into the police car, and down to the station to rightfully ask them about this incredibly stupid situation as the scene ends.)
