The Drip Report | Episode Two

Our scene starts at the world-famous HIP HOUSE. While most of the house is clean and tidy, there is one part of the house in shambles. It's the desk that houses the DRIP REPORT. There's dust everywhere, Gerald the Giraffe is roaming around eating papers and it's not looking good. TJ Thompson wanders into the room, looking like he just woke up and takes a step back in surprise.

TJ THOMPSON: ...did we have a camera crew in here this entire time?!? GUYS?!?

Appearing out of his dungeon of… well… uhh… “sleep”... is Yung Sauce, looking rough as ever and dammit, he looks like he needs a wash and a shave.

YUNG SAUCE: ...damn this shit is killin’ me, brehs. What the fuck happened? Where is everyone? Petey? TJ? LADS!

TJ THOMPSON: Get in here, bro! Weren't we like...using this room for something?

The loud sound of groaning takes over as a frizzy figure rolls over. The groaning gets louder when all of a sudden a monkey jumps onto it and wakes it the fuck up. Turns out it was Lil Petey. He stands up quicker than you could say ‘Sauce’s mom is a certified freak’. Charlie the Monkey rests on Lil Petey’s shoulders while he rubs his eyes.

LIL PETEY: What the fuck is going on, bros? I was in my usual deep slumber when Charlie went nuts. That usually means y’all are up to something.

TJ THOMPSON: This guy was eating a banana.

The Big Drip boys stare at the cameraman.

TJ THOMPSON: Why is he here again?

LIL PETEY: Wait… was he filming us while we were sleeping? When did you get here, weird camera dude?

CAMERAMAN: I've been here for weeks. You guys hired me to film...something called…"The Drip Report"?

LIL PETEY: Bruh, imma need to see that camera. I can’t have you catching my bad angles.

TJ THOMPSON: I hope he didn't catch Sauce's mom coming out of my room!

LIL PETEY: Shit, did you catch her coming out of my room??

CAMERAMAN: Yes.

Petey acts like he’s about to charge at the cameraman but stops himself, realizing he really doesn’t care because he’s gonna keep doing it anyways.

LIL PETEY: Speaking of Sauce’s mom… Sauce, do you remember hiring this dude? And that he’s been living here?

YUNG SAUCE: ...fucking what? Ayo, has he been paying rent or something because if he ain’t, then he better PAY WHAT HE OWES.

The trio look directly at the cameraman who just shrugs his shoulders without giving an answer.

TJ THOMPSON: Well...I guess we should get our money's worth?

LIL PETEY: ...huh?

It was at that moment that Lil Petey realized what was even happening. Almost like he had still been sleeping and finally woke up.

LIL PETEY: OH SHIT, WE GOTTA DO THE DRIP REPORT!

TJ THOMPSON: Oh yeah, that's a thing that exists! I feel like we're off track just a little with that. But whatever. Let's do it!

YUNG SAUCE: Alexa… play that saucy beat for us, please.

The Big Drip boys all sit at the desk as “Drip Too Hard” by Lil Baby & Gunna plays.



TJ THOMPSON: Well...uhh...welcome to the second edition of the Drip Report!

LIL PETEY: I can’t believe we almost forgot about this again. We here, though, and gonna bring you a whole new episode of some fun shit! Ain’t that right, Saucy?

YUNG SAUCE: Hell yes, bruddas. I can’t believe we’ve forgotten about this shit, it’s like we’ve been too busy DRIPPING that we’ve forgot about OUR OWN FUCKIN’ SHOW!

TJ THOMPSON: I was too busy beating up postmen. It's good. LET'S GET INTO THIS SHIT!

LIL PETEY: I’ve been too busy travelling so much lately, but LET’S GET IT! What segment is up first, my boys?

TJ THOMPSON: I dunno bro, it's been so long.

CAMERAMAN: VIBE CHECK! I WANNA GO HOME!

YUNG SAUCE: You sit your ass down, you ain’t leaving this place until we’re done.

Sauce points right to the cameraman and then to the chair behind him.

LIL PETEY: Damnnnnn, you just got checked by a teenager, dawg. Bet this is exactly what you wanted to be when you grew up.

TJ THOMPSON: Right! Vibe Check.

LIL PETEY: Oh shit that’s me. CUE THE LOGO!

LIL PETEY: IT’S TIME FOR THE VIBE CHECKKKKKKKKKK!

TJ THOMPSON: And what is that again?!? I'm asking for the audience. Totally not because I forgot.

Petey looks over at TJ and smacks him in the face.

LIL PETEY: Do you remember now?

TJ THOMPSON: Wha...yeah. I guess I do.

LIL PETEY: The Vibe Check is where I go through and share some things I’ve seen since our last show and check the vibe of it. Are the vibes on point or WAY OFF?! We ready?

TJ THOMPSON: Yessir.


LIL PETEY: Up first we have this gem here. I’ve mentioned the Tyrant’s hoeness before, but he’s stepping it up to levels I didn’t think he could. You see here just last week, his #WCW was Adi. This week, it’s Kasey. Is this an episode of the Bachelor or what?

TJ THOMPSON: The siren. THE SIREN.

The Simp Siren blares.

LIL PETEY: THE SIREN HAS BEEN SOUNDED! WE HAVE A SIMP ALERT AMONGST US!

TJ THOMPSON: My guy is down bad. Where’s our lord and saviour Jack Daniels when we need him?!?

YUNG SAUCE: We need the lord, the saviour… THE GREAT PROPHET! This man is DOWN BAD and not in a good way. A good Down Bad is that new track on the 21 Savage EP he released last week!

LIL PETEY: Truly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the bad bitches, but this man is publicly simpin’ over multiple women. I wonder how his ex is feeling about this!

YUNG SAUCE: ...which one?

LIL PETEY: SHEEEEEEEEEEEESH!

TJ THOMPSON: Goddamn! But anyway, these vibes ain’t the best. WAAAAY off.

LIL PETEY: Imma say the vibes are WAYYY OFFFF with this one. What about you, Sauce?

YUNG SAUCE: You know the vibe, breh. This ain’t it. The vibes be WAY OFF THE CHARTS HERE and I don’t like that.


YUNG SAUCE: Right then… how do you wanna start this one, TJ?

TJ THOMPSON: Uhh...you know, I’m the master of bringing down title prestige. I know how to make a belt look like shit! And uh know they won’t be talking that shit when Petey pulls out the dub! …

YUNG SAUCE: Nah, we gotta defend the boi. These people have been SLEEPIN’ on the man! This man has been focused, laser focused, and has been trainin’ his ass off for SO LONG NOW to prepare for his Grand Championship match!

TJ THOMPSON: He has?!? I mean...hell yeah he has! I know the homie is ready to bring home the gold for the boys.

The boys look over at Petey who turns super serious.

LIL PETEY: I said a lot of shit in that last promotional material I sent out. I meant all of it, man. I been slept on and just doing what I can to improve in the ring.

A smirk forms on Petey’s face.

LIL PETEY: Like, you can’t just get in bed and immediately be dope as sex ya know? You gotta practice and just be beatin’ cheeks to improve your game. Same thing with wrestling. I’ve been in the ring preparing and I think I have a good shot at this. So shout-out to the boys for having my back!

YUNG SAUCE: SHHHHHEESSSSHHHHHH! You know how it be, bayyy-beeeee!!!

TJ THOMPSON: FUCK YEAH YOU HAVE A SHOT AT IT :blessed:!

LIL PETEY: Preesh, preesh. Imma say the vibes are on. The tweets are way off, but the vibes are on because I’m really out here doing the damn thing.

YUNG SAUCE: These crackers? Their vibes are WAY OFF -- especially that Jason dude, he’s a massive dick -- but the vibes we’ve got right now? ON POINT. TJ, what say you?

TJ THOMPSON: For PETEY?!? The vibes are ALWAYS on. But for these hoes...of course not. They gotta chill. Let’s move onto our next segment, boys.

YUNG SAUCE: AH YES, IT’S SEXY! That’s the time again, boys and drips. It’s time to see who’s DRIPPIN’ or nada. We’ve got a fantastic bunch of individuals last time, and we do this time around too, so let’s get down to cracking these out because between two of us, we’re very fucking tired people right now!


YUNG SAUCE: Well… don’t tell Petey he’s on this list…

LIL PETEY: I have stood up to the masked tentacle lord and I can say that that boy is not drippin’. PERIOD!

YUNG SAUCE: When it comes to Mark Hunter and his title… that boi might be drippin’... BUT HE AIN’T NO MATCH FOR THE BIG DRIP MILF HUNTER KNOWN AS LIL PETEY! OZY IS NOT DRIPPIN AT ALL!

TJ THOMPSON: Yeah man, he's not the brightest. He got outsmarted by PETEY! DRIPPIN?!? No.

YUNG SAUCE: Onto the next…


YUNG SAUCE: ...what in the fruit loop fuck is this shit?

TJ THOMPSON: I...I don't know who this guy is. I'll let you guys handle this one…

YUNG SAUCE: Petey, you know this dude by any chance?

LIL PETEY: I don’t want to… Just go on to the next one.

Petey starts laughing as the image changes.


YUNG SAUCE: Now… THIS IS A MAN OF TASTE! I like MYOJIN!

LIL PETEY: That boy was tryna clown me on Twitter. He may be drippin’, but I don’t fuck with him.

YUNG SAUCE: Ooh, yeah, forgot about that… yikes.

TJ THOMPSON: This dude has beat me like a million times. Normally that would be ok. People beat me all the time. But PETEY SLANDER?!? We just can’t have that! I guess the homie’s drippin...a little bit. But now it’s time to move onto our next segment! LOGO TIME!

TJ THOMPSON: Hip News!

LIL PETEY: Give us the scoop, Teej! What’s HIP right now?

TJ THOMPSON: Apparently this dude has been lying to us ALL ALONG!!!

LIL PETEY: Why didn’t y’all tell me this earlier! I could’ve used this against him. HE’S A PHONY! A FAKE!

TJ THOMPSON: I know, right? But that’s good for you. It means that he doesn’t have that killer instinct!

LIL PETEY: This is such exciting news! I have a big advantage now all because he’s not ACTUALLY a hunter! Who would’ve known??

TJ THOMPSON: I had no idea. What do you think, Saucey?!?

YUNG SAUCE: I mean… I’m not surprised because all he does is talk and no show, bark and no bite, howl but no hunt. Should I have seen this coming? Yes. Did I think so? Nope.

TJ THOMPSON: So he DOESN’T just go to the gym a lot?!? Damn.

YUNG SAUCE: ...so that’s what those funky pills were.

TJ THOMPSON: I think Gerald got into those.

YUNG SAUCE: Oh fuck sake, TJ.

TJ THOMPSON: The man is ripped now! Except he's a giraffe. I should get that checked out.

LIL PETEY: I was wondering why that boy got massive. Charles even gets scared around him now. Wait… Where did Charles even go?

TJ THOMPSON: Hopefully not in the pills.

TJ THOMPSON: MORE LIES?!? THESE PEOPLE ARE FULL OF CAP!

LIL PETEY: If she’s not from Winter, then where is she from??

YUNG SAUCE: I think it meant that she wasn’t born in the winter time, but that’s besides the point really, she’s been caught out in a LIE. She’s been FULL OF CAP!

LIL PETEY: And to think I tried to romance this woman! Warstein is in for a trip depending on which woman he chooses to settle with!

TJ THOMPSON: You can't trust anyone around these parts.

YUNG SAUCE: ...so this whole time, that shit was a wig?

LIL PETEY: Bro, this is killing my vibe. All these lies being exposed.

TJ THOMPSON: I don't know how that shit didn't fall off this entire time. He probably glued it on!

LIL PETEY: Had to have a lot of glue because that was a sick afro! Now I’m not sure what’s even real or not anymore.

YUNG SAUCE: FLAMMABLE GLUE!? Is that why it got set on fire so quickly?

Petey looks down at his phone and realizes the time.

LIL PETEY: Shit, boys, we’re running out of time. We need to move onto the next segment so we have time for our huge announcement!

TJ THOMPSON: Predictions!
LIL PETEY: This is my cue to go find Charles before he causes any trouble. Have fun, fellas! Just text me when you’re done.

Petey gets out of his seat and runs out of the room screaming Charles’ name constantly.

YUNG SAUCE: Ight, TJ, let’s run down this list… we doing PPV last or wha?

TJ THOMPSON: I guess so, let's do it.


YUNG SAUCE: I don’t know any of these crackas.

TJ THOMPSON: I'm in the same boat, bro. I guess I'll go with Serrano because he has a pretty cool name. You?

YUNG SAUCE: I’ll say Trey Bouchet. I don’t know why. I just don’t like the Serrano dude.


TJ THOMPSON: Who. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

YUNG SAUCE: I… I don’t know where they get these people.

TJ THOMPSON: These hoes coming out of the woodwork. I guess I'll go with...Puma? I guess so.

YUNG SAUCE: Prince Puma? He was cool in Lucha Underground… I guess I’ll go with him too.


TJ THOMPSON: Whoa, I know who these people are! Both of these teams are bums, not gonna lie. But I've gotta go with The Dragonslayers. Any team with Pat is destined for failure.

YUNG SAUCE: The Dragonslayers? But we slayed them before-- or me and Petey did. And then that bum made me lose my match VIA FUCKIN’ NO CONTESTS! Nah, goes to Pat and Cad.

TJ THOMPSON: Either way, both of these teams DESPERATELY need the win. Can't relate.


YUNG SAUCE: It’s the boy! SCOTT OASIS!

TJ THOMPSON: THE BIG HOMIE! But also I teamed with Emmanuelle that one time. Hmm. This one's tough. What's your take, bro?

YUNG SAUCE: Hmm… Not gonna lie. I like both. I think Emmy gonna win tho.

TJ THOMPSON: I've gotta agree. Oasis is a cool dude, though.

YUNG SAUCE: Absolutely.


TJ THOMPSON: Myo. No question.

YUNG SAUCE: Hate to see the dozer get put down like this -- but this is MYO’s to win.


YUNG SAUCE: I don’t like Raven.

TJ THOMPSON: Same. Aiden is also pretty sus. But I think Aiden will pull it out.

YUNG SAUCE: I’m sure Aiden does pull out a lot. --oh yeah, Aiden wins.


Sauce glances over to Thompson, who glances right back at Sauce.

YUNG SAUCE: Petey.

TJ THOMPSON: You know what? Yeah. We gotta support the homie. IT'S PETEY'S TIME!


YUNG SAUCE: Well, isn’t this just a massive clusterfuck?

TJ THOMPSON: A lot of names. Most that I don't know. Who you got?

YUNG SAUCE: Lesley, I guess. Fruit loops win.

TJ THOMPSON: I agree, man. I guess he's had more matches then most of the peeps in this thing. NEXT!


YUNG SAUCE: Kasey. No cap.

TJ THOMPSON: Yeaaah...even if she wasn't born in winter, Kasey's gonna steamroll this poor girl.

YUNG SAUCE: Beat that debra. Praise to Jack Daniels.


TJ THOMPSON: Without all that hair holding him back, this is Julius' to win.

YUNG SAUCE: Pyro is a knobhead. This is Julius’ time.


YUNG SAUCE: TJ, can I ask you something?

TJ THOMPSON: Sure, man.

YUNG SAUCE: ...sound the simp siren for me, please?

The SIMP SIREN goes crazy as TJ covers his ears and Sauce stares at the camera in immense shame.

TJ THOMPSON: Smh.

YUNG SAUCE: I’m a simp for Savannah Sunshine. She can get this dic-

TJ THOMPSON: Smh. But I've gotta say. I think she's gonna win this!

YUNG SAUCE: Oh, she can.


YUNG SAUCE: I sense… a new champion!

TJ THOMPSON: Damn! Well I think Kayla's gonna retain. There's no Cacsteel on the end of that, but it'll be enough.

YUNG SAUCE: ...shoulda lost it the last pay-per-view…

TJ THOMPSON: Oh...well...next!


TJ THOMPSON: I can't believe I'm saying this but...Shawn is winning it for PG…

YUNG SAUCE: You know when we were meant to trust Dickie Watson and he made an arse of himself? Yeah, nah, fuck that and fuck him. Elena wins this match and kicks The Tyrant back here empty handed.


YUNG SAUCE: ...well, uh…

TJ THOMPSON: Welp...something tells me that Drago is gonna job the fuck out…

YUNG SAUCE: There’s nothing more terrifying than a laser focused Jason Long… and I’m scared for what Drago might be going through right now.

TJ THOMPSON: I hope he's not dead at the end. Funerals are expensive.

YUNG SAUCE: You saw what he did to Noah Quinn… and then Kevin Maverick… and then Azumi Goto in OWA, right?

TJ THOMPSON: Drago's reign is coming to an end.

YUNG SAUCE: Yep. Totally not biased here.

TJ THOMPSON: Yeah. We can't see the future! But now it's time for the special announcement!

YUNG SAUCE: Where’s the boy at tho?

A few seconds go by before “White Boy Summer” by Chet Hanx starts playing in the background. A few more seconds go by and the music gets louder, like it’s getting closer. TJ and Sauce turn around to see Petey holding a boombox on one shoulder and Charles on his other shoulder.

LIL PETEY: WE’RE GOING ON A BOOZE CRUISE, BITCHES!!!!

TJ THOMPSON: And we want everyone to join us!

Petey turns the music down a little and places the boombox on the desk.

LIL PETEY: That’s right, fam! We are setting out from Los Angeles, California and headed to Sydney, Australia for a BIG DRIPPIN’ BOOZE CRUISE! Anyone and everyone is invited. No lames, though.

YUNG SAUCE: If you a lame, you get thrown off. No questions asked.

LIL PETEY: Someone’s getting thrown off, no matter what. That’s just proper booze cruise etiquette.

YUNG SAUCE: Absolutely.

TJ THOMPSON: It better not be me.

Sauce and Petey look at each other before looking back at the camera.

LIL PETEY: This booze cruise is going to be a wrestling event where, instead of wrestling on land like a lame, we’ll be wrestling on a cruise ship while having the time of our lives! We’ll have activities outside of wrestling for you to win cool little prizes. Most importantly… WE’LL HAVE PLENTY OF BOOZE!

YUNG SAUCE: ...and some Monster Energy™ as well.

LIL PETEY: Alright we’ll provide the info to sign up after the show, but we’re ready for such a dope event. You boys wanna add anything before we wrap this shit up?

The camera pans over to TJ Thompson asleep in his chair.

YUNG SAUCE: Welp… for me, all I’m gonna say is that to sign up for our show, please fuckin’ do it. And for whoever wins either the X-Factor or the Warrior Rising Championship… I’M COMIN’ FOR YOUR ASSES! THE BIG DRIP PRODUCTIONS WILL HOLD ALL THE GOLD! ALL OF THE SINGLES TITLES! PETEY AND THE GRAND TITLE! TJ AND MYSELF HOLDING THE X-FACTOR AND THE WARRIOR RISING TITLE! I HAVE FAITH IN US!

A smile forms on the face of Sauce.

YUNG SAUCE: Because this is THE SUMMER OF DRIP and we’re not stopping until we’re the talk of the town, until we’re the champions of Proving Ground. That’s my final words.

The camera then pans over to Petey.

LIL PETEY: The boy said it best. Let’s go, fam! I’m fucking tired already so we out of here! Grab TJ and let’s make like a hippie and blow this joint!

Sauce and Petey grab TJ while Charles tags along from behind. Everything fades to black.