Post by Furious Julius Fairweather on May 11, 2021 17:08:34 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER
The opinions expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Rock Johnson, Indy Darling, Christian DeMarco, or any other member of the Project: Honor staff or roster. It is, however, an odd coincidence that Caden Young has immaculate style, a way with words, and a craving for the sweet flavor of Julius’ secret stash. Have Caden and Julius ever been seen in the same place at the same time? Hmmm. The F Word was filmed before a live studio audience in Brasilia, Brazil where neither Julius nor Caden were present. The mystery deepens...
Winston: “Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time for your favorite Project: Honor exclusive, The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! This week’s episode will be a little different, as your favorite host has excused himself from his duties so that he might prepare for his match at Disputed Territory! Thankfully, we were able to find a qualified host on short notice, and it’s not Larry KaChow! After all, Julius would never slight any of his Motherfucking Fans of Fairweather! So please accept this tiny change in our normal format and welcome our special guest host… “Kneecaps” Nigel Halfweather!!!!
The golden curtains part upon the introduction of the guest host, yet no one appears to emerge from behind them. The camera then pans down, to reveal tonight’s guest host, who does not look pleased regarding Winston’s attempt at a witty introduction.
The emcee bends over and holds out his hand to welcome the host, but instead of giving him a handshake or a fist bump, Nigel punches Winston directly in his saggy ball sack. The middle-aged emcee slowly crumples to the floor in pain, as Nigel looks over at the Swallows Twins and motions for them to follow him. Not wanting to test his patience, the two blondes make their way to the background stripper’s pole while Nigel climbs behind the desk where Julius would normally sit.
Nigel: “What’s up, motherfuckers? That’s gonna be the end of the motherfucking short jokes tonight, or some old bastard is gonna be begging for Larry KaChow to host this motherfucker! Now get your old ass on the couch and keep your mouth shut, bitch!”
Still feeling the effects of Nigel’s unexpected punch, Winston staggers to his normal spot on the sofa and falls onto it, still clutching his privates with both hands.
Nigel: “That’s what I fucking thought! For those who missed Fallout, I’m Julius Fairweather’s official corner man, Nigel Halfweather, and I ain’t about to put up with any of y ’all’s bullshit about my motherfucking height! So let’s just get it over with now so we can all enjoy ourselves! Yeah, I’m three foot six, but I’m hung twice as low as any of you motherfuckers! If you wanna fuck around and find out, just ask your mommas!”
Winston: “Very...ooh...very good, sir…”
Nigel: “Julius has decided to take his upcoming fight at Disputed Territory as seriously as possible, so he’s got my ass here to bring you all the F-Word goodness you’re used to! In fact, let’s get this motherfucking show on the road!”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you look like a bitch;
For a sad motherfucker has messed with me,
And his body will end up in a ditch.
Curse, and the meek will tremble;
Like Pyro, who’s missing a pair;
The flames I’ll always remember,
As they took my beautiful hair.
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Winston: “Wait! That’s it!”
Nigel shoots a threatening look toward his co-host, but Winston is quick to defuse the situation.
Winston: “Um...no offense, sir. I just remembered last week’s cookie commercials and how Julius said that everything is better with elves. Then you show up just a couple of weeks later...it’s uncanny!”
Without warning, Nigel throws his coffee mug at Winston, bouncing it off of his skull.
Nigel: “It’s called foreshadowing, motherfucker! Now shut the hell up so we can do the next segment!”
Nigel: “Every episode, Julius likes to pick out four motherfuckers who impressed him on the last editions of Proving Ground and Fallout. He tries his best to avoid those same faces we see every week on The Edge’s Elite Seven cause he likes to spread the love, but I’m in charge this week and I can do whatever the fuck I want! Now put that first motherfucking picture on the screen!”
Nigel: “Take a good look at that smiling white boy! With a grin like that, he’s either just dropped an atomic butt cloud or he just found out that he’s got a title defense against a member of Big Drip! Well guess what, motherfuckers! It’s both! All jokes aside, that motherfucker’s got a pretty good reason to smile right now! He seems to have a firm grip on the Grand Championship, he continues to rack up the wins, and the only immediate threat to his gold is a sound cloud rapper whose name sounds like an appetizer at the Cannibal Café! From Dickie Watson and Indy Darling to Lance Williams and Euan Hill, ain’t nobody been able to stop this motherfucker’s momentum! A lot of motherfuckers are probably looking for Ozymandias to end Mark’s reign, but not me! This motherfucker is still gonna be grinning like someone’s tickling his taint well into the summer months! For having a smile that only a mother could love, you’ve made the Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!”
Nigel: “It’s a good thing I’m just a guest host, otherwise you’d probably see Elena here every week! At this point, is it safe to say she’s unstoppable? Shawn Warstein may be her biggest challenge to date, but if she gets by him, then what? Not only does she dish up pain and suffering every time she’s in the ring, but then she dishes up joy and love with her motherfucking cupcakes! Have you seen this woman’s Twitter timeline? I got motherfucking diabetes just looking at it! This past week she outlasted three of the other top female competitors on Fallout even with Warstein trying to mess with her from the front row! This woman is undefeated, and while nothing lasts forever, it’s starting to look like the only thing that could stand in her way is her evil doppelganger from dimension X! Oh, the humanity! So for being an unstoppable juggernaut in a sexy British package, you just made the Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!”
Nigel: “Now that we’ve talked about a couple of the champions in this joint, let’s talk about a motherfucker who’s got his first shot at some gold! The Bulldozer had a rough start on Proving Ground, but it looks like a big stage opportunity was all he needed to break out! This motherfucker led his team to a win at Public Execution, and he followed that up by advancing to the second round of the X-Factor Title Tournament! Now that he’s managed to get a couple of wins, he’s looking better than ever! He may not be the favorite to win the whole thing, but isn’t that what the X-Factor division is all about? Motherfuckers who come out of nowhere to achieve the unexpected? Even if that big son of a bitch doesn’t make it past MYOJIN, it’s looking like big things are in his motherfucking future! So for finally being relevant without using steroids, you’ve made the Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!”
Nigel: “Taking the last spot in this week’s Fab Four is this crazy motherfucker who wants us to see the light and turn away from our wicked ways! Well, fuck that! I may not agree with his message, but I have to admit that my eyes are fixed on the motherfucking screen every time he’s around. He had a big “coming soon” message on the last Fallout, he won his dark match in record time, and he opened up the show with another message of peace, love, and all that other motherfucking bullshit! I predict that Lesley is either gonna get his ass kicked like any man named Lesley would, or that he’s gonna be a top contender to dethrone the lovely Miss Winterborn! You heard it here first, motherfuckers! Lesley Adora as Ascension champion is gonna be a reality sooner or later, and you can take that shit to the bank! Even if it never happens, I say “Fuck you!” because it should! So for being pious and holier than thou, you’ve just made the Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!”
The image of Lesley Adora fades and we once again see Nigel upon his booster seat behind Julius’ desk.
Nigel: “There’s your Fab Four for this week, and if you don’t like that shit, you can kiss my ass! If Julius somehow gets burned alive and isn’t here next time, you’ll get another chance to be one of my four special motherfuckers. If not, it sucks to be you! We’ll be right back with this week’s F Grade, but now here’s another word from one of our motherfucking sponsors!”
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Nigel scoots to the edge of his booster seat, ogling the camera much in the same way Julius does when he starts to get fired up.
Nigel: “And if putting poor Petey in the title hunt between Mark Hunter and Ozymandias wasn’t enough, that soulless ginger put two marquee tournament matches on the undercard! Maybe Lance Williams hasn’t established himself as a main eventer just yet, by MYOJIN, Aiden Reynolds, and James Raven on back-up duty to the littlest drip in the land? What the fuck, Indy? Are you trying to get your ass beat? Raven even warned your ass about booking him against Aiden anywhere besides the tournament final, and you didn’t even listen to that! There’s a time for motherfuckers to keep the results of a random drawing and there’s a time to ignore them for the sake of your own motherfucking safety!”
Nigel is practically on top of the desk at this point, as we can clearly see the veins bulging beneath his skin.
Nigel: “Then...THEN...comes the biggest insult to male gender of all time! That motherfucker got a date with Crystal Ward?! What kind of “sold his soul to Satan” bullshit is that? That woman could get her hands on any man’s microphone, and she decided to go on a date with virginity’s poster boy? I don’t even know what’s more fucked up right now...Indy’s booking style or the fact that I’m getting pity sex from strippers while he’s got a shot at Project: Honor’s most eligible booty! He doesn’t even dress to impress the ladies! I might have to shop at Baby Gap, but at least I wear more than denim! Fuck that guy! Fuck Indy Darling! If I ever meet him in person he’s gonna think he’s doing time in San Quentin, cause I’ll shove a shiv so far up his ass that everything he says will have a motherfucking point! That’s saying something, cause my arms ain’t even that fucking long!”
The camera pulls back to show us that Winston has scooted as far away from Nigel as possible, and even the Swallows Twins have stopped gyrating to focus their attention on the angry dwarf standing on top of Julius’ desk.
Nigel: “Fuck! I’ve got blood pressure issues, motherfuckers! Go to a goddamn commercial before I pass the fuck out!”
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Nigel: “Are you motherfuckers serious right now? You’ve got a sponsor that specializes in making dwarf-looking toys the same night that I’m hosting this shit? I’m about to go so postal that you’ll think Pat the Postman is a motherfucking daycare worker!”
Winston: “Uh...sir? Maybe this would be a good time for the F Bomb…”
Nigel: “Don’t you push me, old man! I’ll get to the last segment when I damn well feel like it!”
Winston receives another evil glare for his troubles as he silently prays that Nigel has nothing left to throw his way.
Nigel: “Now let’s do that motherfucking F Bomb!”
FIGHT
[ fahyt ]
noun
a battle or combat.
any contest or struggle.
Nigel: “That’s what all of you motherfuckers do around here, right? You’re fighting each other for shiny gold belts, bragging rights, or over silly shit like who gets the last motherfucking sandwich at the company picnic! You’ve got motherfuckers like Drago Santiago and Jason Long fighting over the Prime Championship on Fallout, General Managers fighting over which brand is better, and teams like Legacy just fighting to get a little competition! This whole motherfucking place is one big fight and I fucking love it!”
Despite his high blood pressure, Nigel’s eyes begin to bulge out as the camera moves in for a close-up.
Nigel: “We’ve got fights for survival, fights for respect, and fights for supremacy! There are so many fights up in this motherfucker that the referees are on mandatory overtime! When my main man, Julius, asked for match recommendations, I even suggested a Fight Pit! That’s what they should do with all of you crazy motherfuckers! Just throw all your asses into a big pit in the ground where you can fight it out until only one person claws their way out! I'd get in there and beat all your asses but they won't let me cause their ain't no goddamn mini division in this motherfucking company!”
Unable to be contained by his booster seat, Nigel is once again crawling onto Julius’ desk.
Nigel: “I guess Julius usually has something profound to say about his final F Bomb, so what am I trying to get at here? Beats the fuck outta me! Fight is my word of the week, and if you don’t like it, come fight me, motherfuckers! I’ll rip your kneecaps off with my bare teeth! I’ll smack you across the shins with my monster dong if I fucking feel like it! I don’t give a fuck if you’re all twice as tall as me! I’ll fight each and every last one of you motherfuckers even if I need a step ladder to get the job done! How’s that for a goddamn F Bomb?”
With great caution, Winston leans forward to interrupt.
Winston: “I...uh...I think we’re out of time…”
Nigel: “You’re goddamn right we are, motherfucker! Sitting in for Julius Fairweather, this has been Nigel Halfweather bringing you The F Word. Now you can all fuck off! You’re welcome!”
Even the crowd has become leery of the angry dwarf as they politely clap and look to each other for reassurance. L.L. Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” begins to play, while on top of Julius’ desk, Nigel is shredding papers and throwing them up in the air. The camera continues to pan out as his tantrum rages on with no end in sight.
If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:
J. Fairweather
1469 Jackson Rd.
Detroit, Michigan 48201
