Post by ttthet on May 5, 2021 21:05:02 GMT -5
Our scene begins outside the Brazilian post office where the Mailroom Massacre took place. TJ Thompson stands outside the building, trying to use a pay phone.
TJ Thompson: How the hell does this shit work? HOW DID THE DINOSAURS USE THESE THINGS?!? THEIR ARMS ARE SO SHORT!!! DID THEY USE THEIR DICKS?!?
TJ finally gets the pay phone to work and keys in a number. The scene switches to a split-screen of TJ Thompson at the pay phone and Lil Petey at ringside during the semi-main event of Public Execution.
Lil Petey: Yo!
TJ Thompson: Hey, man. Can you give me a ride back to the arena? Or...wherever this shit is. I'm kinda stranded. I don't know why they put this post office in the middle of nowhere.
Lil Petey: Uhhh...I'm kinda busy right now! Lumberjacking. You know how it goes.
TJ Thompson: Jacking off using WOOD?!? That sounds kinda unsafe. It's not good for your dick. And I'm pretty sure the wood is unusable after that. What, did you get some guy to drill a teeny tiny hole in some log? Weird, man.
Lil Petey: …
TJ Thompson: Don't worry, bro. I'm not kink shaming. Just worried about your health. And my health. BECAUSE I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!! Man, can't you call me an Uber or something?
Lil Petey: After that lumberjack comment, I kinda just wanna leave you there…
TJ Thompson: Hey! They're gonna start kidnapping Sauce, if I'm not there. He's delicate. He won't be able to handle it.
Lil Petey: Damn, that's true. Fine. Me and the child can pick you up in like...two hours? There's still another match after this and this one just got started! Just sit tight! We'll find you eventually. Maybe.
TJ Thompson: TWO HOURS?!? Damn, bruh. Can't they move that shit along a little faster? Can you run in and DQ those hoes? I can't just sit here! I'll get eaten by some wild animal!
Lil Petey: Nah. That ain't cool, bro!
TJ Thompson: ME DYING AIN'T COOL EITHER!!! Fine. Fine! I'll find my own way out of this post office jungle thing. Hey...didn't you notice that I didn't come home after Wrestle Party? Didn't you notice this giant limo driving away from the HIP HOUSE?!?
Lil Petey: The limo? What limo? I thought you were out finding another zoo to rob or something. I know you said Gerald was getting lonely. Or horny.
TJ Thompson: …
Lil Petey: Sauce tried to tell me that something was wrong but I brushed him off! He's always scared about something. Like that guy in the white van. Or the secret service agents dragging you away. But I told him you were probably fine!
TJ Thompson: I WAS NOT FINE!!! Cmon, bruh! Use your common sense! I WASN'T EVEN ON THE PLANE WHEN Y'ALL WERE HEADED TO BRAZIL!
Lil Petey: Common sense??? What's that?
TJ Thompson: You know it's bad when I'm the smart one in the conversation. Oh god. Aight. If I'm not at the arena by the time the PPV is done, come find me! I have no idea where I am. But just drive around and hope you see me.
Lil Petey: Whatever you sa-
The line cuts out as Petey gets jumped by SEX. TJ slams down the phone in frustration only for the cord to rebound back and hit him in the face.
TJ Thompson: Ow! Damn pay phones. So. I gotta get outta here! I'm in the middle of nowhere in Brazil, I have nobody else to call, and I could be eaten by some wild animal any second now. Sounds good.
TJ starts wandering in a random direction only to see more jungle. He tries to climb a tree to get a better view of his surroundings and ends up falling on his face. He shakes it off and keeps walking until he realizes that he's back at the post office again.
TJ Thompson: Bruh. I've really been walking in circles this entire time! This reminds me of long division. Hmm...I've gone left and right and ended up in the same place, but what if I go up! Wait. I've already climbed a tree and failed. There's only one direction to go.
TJ runs into the post office and comes back with a shovel.
TJ Thompson: This might be the best idea of my life!
TJ starts digging a hole. He tirelessly digs until the pile of dirt gets higher than his giraffe.
TJ Thompson: There's gotta be some way to get outta here!
TJ takes one more scoop and the hole caves in. TJ falls into the hole, landing in a tunnel in the middle of a crowd of mole people. Yeah. Mole people. TJ shakily gets up to take a look at his surroundings.
TJ Thompson: Oh shit. See? I knew there was something under this place! Hey, guys! I like your...faces. Do you guys just...not need eyes or something? Or go outside? I guess we are outside...but y'all look pale.
The mole people stare blankly back at him. One sniffs at his shirt.
TJ Thompson: Not so talkative? Not curious about why I just fell from the ceiling? Not at all? That's okay. You guys don't really look like normal people. That's totally okay! But like...what are you?
The mole people start sniffing him, one by one. One paws at his head. TJ doesn't seem bothered.
TJ Thompson: Hey, gimme a little personal space! What, do I smell bad or something? Let me live. I just finished beating the shit out of a postman for the third time. And all I got out of it was this shitty book!
The mole people ignore him and keep sniffing and feeling. TJ starts to get uncomfortable and backs up.
TJ Thompson: Whoa...WHOA! Watch the hair! That's my best feature! I don't need...animal...human hybrid slobber all over it! Do you guys talk? Do you guys even know what I'M SAYING?!? What is this place anyway? Man, y'all gotta leave me alone! Here. Fetch!
TJ throws Obama's book down the tunnel and the mole people leave him and chase after it. TJ runs for his life in the opposite direction, further down the tunnel. Once he reaches a safe distance, he slows down and takes a look around.
TJ Thompson: Underground tunnels...in BRAZIL! I knew it. There was some sus activity going on in this country. On top. Below ground. Wherever. What were those things? They had teeny tiny eyes! And fucking gigantic noses! And no, I'm not being racist! They didn't look human! I guess they live in this place. These tunnels or whatever. I wonder what they eat! Maybe people that fall down here. That's why they were sniffing me. Oh shit.
A disturbed look comes onto TJ's face before he shakes it off.
TJ Thompson: I think I gotta get outta here. Before I fuck around and get eaten by some creature! That wouldn't be good. What would the boys do without me?!? What would I do without my life?!? And I know I taste good. Shiiiit.
After a few more minutes of walking, TJ comes across a ladder and a hatch. After staring at it for a few seconds, TJ shrugs and climbs up, opening the hatch and coming up to see the inside of the Mineirinho Arena where Public Execution is taking place.
TJ Thompson: Oh shit. I think this is the place! Man, I gotta tell someone about those tunnels! That could be like...a fire hazard or something!
TJ climbs out of the hole and walks up to the nearest janitor who’s mopping the floor.
TJ Thompson: Hey. Bro. Did you know that there are these creepy-ass tunnels under the floor? I think you should take care of those! I saw this spooky monster guy under them!
Janitor: Hey, you can’t be under there! That’s where the mole people live! They eat people, you know? It’s dangerous!
TJ Thompson: Mole people!?! Yeah, that sounds about right. I’ve seen weirder things. Like Petey in a speedo. Disturbing. How’d they get under there? And why is there a tunnel leading into this arena? I feel like you don’t want them coming in here.
Janitor: Nah, it’s fine! Sometimes they come out to get snacks. We leave out chips and salsa overnight so they don’t attack us and enslave humanity. It’s cool.
TJ Thompson: ...Okay. The last thing I want is to be enslaved by a community of mole people. And I’m also never coming back to Brazil.
Janitor: Brazil is cool! Just stay away from the mole people! It’s not that big of a deal!
TJ Thompson: I think it’s a pretty big deal...but whatever! Thanks for the help! I gotta find my friends and tell em about what I just discovered! They’ll never believe it!
TJ runs off and wanders around the arena before discovering Lil Petey and Yung Sauce at the bar in the arena.
TJ Thompson: Hey...isn’t Sauce too young to drink?!?
Yung Sauce: Oh shit! What’s good, TJ? We were just about to come looking for you wherever you were in the wilderness! Don’t worry, bro. This is kool-aid. Totally.
TJ Thompson: Bruh...you were just vibing instead of coming to rescue me?!? Damn. It be like that sometimes.
Yung Sauce: Don’t blame me! I don’t know how to drive! It’s all on Petey!
Lil Petey: I told him you were fine, and here you are! I don’t know how you got here, but I knew you’d find a way! I believed in you, buddy! How’d you get back?
TJ Thompson: Believe in deez nu-...nah. Okay. It’s a long story. I gotta show you something and then we should probably get out of here and run for our lives. Come on!
TJ takes the Big Drip boys to the hatch leading down to the tunnels.
TJ Thompson: So. Funny story. When I was lost in the post office jungle, I thought it would be a great idea to dig a hole! I forgot why. So I dug and ended up breaking into these tunnels!
Yung Sauce: Cool, can we go inside?
TJ Thompson: NO! When I was in the hole, I was brutally attacked by a colony of mole people! Well...they just sniffed me. But I’m sure the brutal attack was coming sooner or later. The only thing that made them leave me alone was a copy of Obama’s book I won after beating Pat’s ass! The mole people could come up and enslave humanity any minute! We’ve gotta get outta Brazil!
Yung Sauce: Mole people! Can we have em on as a guest on The Drip Report?
TJ Thompson: I don’t think that’s a good ide-HEY, PETEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?
The camera swivels to Petey taking a piss into the hatch.
Lil Petey: What? I had to go! Apparently Brazil doesn’t have bathrooms. Or I’m just blind. Come on, it’s not like anything’s living there, right?
Petey is interrupted by a loud rumbling that seems to be coming from below the arena. Dust begins to fall from the ceiling.
TJ Thompson: Bruh.
A snout pops out of the hatch and Big Drip jumps back in surprise.
TJ Thompson: It’s time to run for our lives, boys. We’re pretty good at this.
Yung Sauce: Shouldn’t we warn everyone?!?
TJ Thompson: Naaaaahhh, they’ll figure it out eventually!
We fade to black as Big Drip legs it out of the arena to escape the oncoming mole invasion.
-------------------------------
Yeah, suck it, Pat! For like the third time! I handed you that L! Man, you suck. We were at your home base and everything but you still managed to lose! Maybe it’s just that I’m that good. But I’m like 89% sure that you’re just ass at everything involving wrestling. It’s okay. At least the post office didn’t fire you. Or what’s left of it, at least. But man, I gotta say! Those hoes said that Big Drip was on their downfall! Ever since I lost my gold, they’ve said that we’re in the past! We’re done! We’re just jobbers that also rap! But nah, that’s not true! The real jobbers were the ones we beat way back at Public Execution! I mean...they weren’t jobbers...they were pretty good! We were just better by a lot. Totally. Trust me. I know it all. So it’s time to make another run with the boys! I think it’s clear now that we’re flexible. Sauce and Petey are the tag team specialists and I’m the singles guy! Cool! And I know that Sauce and Petey can beat Legacy this time to win those tag team championships. Please. Or at least they won’t get their asses kicked as badly as last time. I don’t really want to talk about it. But it’s time for your boy to get some gold of his own! I remember the times when I had two belts around my waist. Two championships that I actually won without bullshit! Those were some good times. They were also only like two months ago. Time flies when you’re being sad. But now it’s time to stop being said and go back to winning! I miss winning, bro. I seem to not have very many of those when I’m facing anyone but Pat. And winning and championships go hand in hand. I wonder why. But it’s time to get another one! Yeaaaaaaah.
I usually don’t celebrate people’s downfalls unless they really have it coming. But man, isn’t it great that Indy had to vacate his X-Factor Title? Sure, he was injured and all that, but he was getting the GM job anyway! He probably wasn’t going to hold the belt while he had that job. It would be suspicious. People would cry about bias. Not me. I’m okay with bias as long as it benefits me! And most of the time it does, so we’re all good. So Indy had to give up his belt, which means that it’s about to be time for a new champion! And it could be your boy! Maybe. There’s a tournament coming up for the vacant belt and your boy is in that thing! And I know. I’ve been in tournaments before. And most of the time they don’t end well for me at all. I get tossed in the first round! I wonder why? So I’m sure people are predicting it to happen again! They’re praying on my downfall! But I’m pretty sure that this time could be different! I mean, what else am I supposed to say? Yeah, I’m probably gonna lose. Nah man, that’s some loser talk! That’s what some dumbass with confidence issues would say! And you know I’m always confident, even when I should probably be worrying about the hospital bills after the match. If there was a time to win a tournament, now is the time! Sure, all those other tournaments would’ve been nice for me to win too, but since those are in the past, they don’t matter! There are eight homies in this. And I gotta outlast them all to win that gold! I got this, right? Right. I know all my loyal fans believe in me! And that’s all I need! Sure. Yeah.
But in the first round, I already got a tough matchup ahead of me. Because of course, I do. I never get anything easy in life. Even if I ask super nicely! What a shame. Things never come to the nice people in life. So in the first round, I gotta face the homie Myojin. Apparently, there’s this way to pronounce his name. Some accent or something. But it’s fine. I’m too lazy. The casual viewer would say that the boy is done for. They’d say that there’s absolutely no way I can win this match! And to that, I shake my head! They have no faith in the Hipbeast! I’ve overcome worse odds to win matches! Okay. No I haven’t. But I know I have it in me to make it past the first round! But it’s not the first round, they say! If I was facing someone else, it would’ve been an easy dub, they say! Okay, that might be true. But really, everything’s an easy dub until it turns out that it’s really not. And we don’t know that yet! So I gotta assume the obvious. I have quite a history with good old Myo. We’ve faced off in multiple companies in a variety of matches! I don’t really wanna talk about the results. I get flashbacks all the time. So when I found out that we were gonna wrestle again, I was like...AGAIN?!? REALLY?!? WHAT IS WITH THESE PEOPLE? I know. Totally reasonable and calm! I’m known for my calmness. I wasn’t exactly amused with the bracket gods. I wasn’t too happy with PH management. But whether I want it or not, I’m gonna have to give Myo the hands...again.
But not gonna lie, my track record against the guy isn’t good at all. This would be the fourth time we’ve met in the ring and my record is 0-3! Damn. I wonder why? It couldn’t be that he’s better than me, right? No, that can’t be it! There’s gotta be another reason! Or maybe he’s just better than me. Meh. That hurts, man. So Myo! Hello again! I gotta wonder how you feel about facing me again. This shit feels like a broken record or something. But here we are, running it back again! I know you’re feeling good about this and I don’t blame you at all! You really have no reason to think that you have any chance at losing! But you know, they always say that the fourth time’s the charm! Well...I’m sure someone says it. You might think that this is an easy win, but I’m tryna put more of a fight up than expected! Well I’m trying to win. But putting up a fight is pretty cool too. All of our matches have been about the same. We go back and forth, have some good moments, but you always end up winning! That means that I’m always this close to picking up that win! I’m always close. I just gotta do a little more to secure the dub! That might be easier said than done, but what am I supposed to do?!? Myo, I know you’ve been on some hot streak. You won in the main event of Public Execution and now you’re entered in a tournament where you could win a belt. I’m proud of you, son. Great job. But I feel like it’s time to cut that momentum off! Easier said than done, but if anyone can do it, it’s probably me. Totally. Sure, you’ve beaten me every time we’ve faced off. Sure, I haven’t been doing too well lately. But I have...the power of friendship on my side? Yeah. Sure I do! Me and Big Drip have a bond that...will totally help me beat you. Trust me. I know what the power of friendship can do! And it can do things when it’s convenient for me!
Throughout my career, your boy’s gone through several stages! I’ve went through ups and downs! And not gonna lie, I think it’s time to start going up. Time to start rising! I’ve had my break, you know, after wrestling people like Caddy and Patty. The lightweights! And now it’s time to get as serious as I can be. Which is still not that serious, but whatever. I’m trying my best. It’s about to be a new era for your boy, and I can promise that...I’ll think of something. Maybe later. Myo, good luck, bro. You probably don’t need it. But I’m trying to be the polite one here! This is either gonna be a big win or yet another loss, and I’m ready for whatever you throw at me! Because I totally wasn’t ready the first time. Trust me, this time may or may not be different. I’ve got some new tricks up my sleeve! And I’m not wearing a tank top! Be ready, boi!
Anyway...bye! See you at Proving Ground if I haven’t been kidnapped and taken hostage by that community of mole people!