Post by Furious Julius Fairweather on Apr 28, 2021 11:31:00 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER
The views expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Project: Honor, Rock Johnson, Christian DeMarco, Indy Darling, or any member of our staff or roster. However, it is rumored that Caden Young has Julius’ name tattooed on a very special place for those lucky enough to see it. This week’s episode was filmed in front of a live studio audience in Goiania, Brazil, where we were surrounded by lush, green Mother (fucking) Nature.
The show opens with Winston Winfield on stage, dressed to the nines in the latest men’s fashion, while nearby, Bambi and Candy Swallows shake and shimmy to the delight of the live audience.
Winston: “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for your favorite Project: Honor Exclusive, The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! This week we come to you hot on the tails of a frenzied episode of Fallout and the Public Execution Pay Per View! Thankfully, there’s no Larry KaChow in the house tonight, because your favorite host has returned to bring you all of the tasty four-letter words you can handle! Now, without further ado, please welcome… “The Weatherman”... “The Shepherd of Lost Souls”... the one and only “Bad Motherfucker” to occupy your hearts, minds, and perverse little souls… “Furious” Juuuuuulius Fairrrrrweatherrrrrr!!!
The stage’s golden curtains are violently thrown aside as Julius bursts onto the stage with a bright smile on his face and his afro immaculately styled! He exchanges his usual complex series of hand slaps and fist bumps with Winston, winks at the Swallows twins, and then points a pair of approving index fingers at the cheering audience. Finally, Julius motions for the camera to follow along as he moves across the stage to his personal desk. He takes his seat and picks up a stack of blue cue cards while Winston and the twins move to their normal locations nearby. Once the crowd begins to quiet down, Julius welcomes his viewers to the show in the manner that has become expected of him.
Julius: “What’s up, motherfuckers? It’s damn good to be back in the captain’s chair after last week’s unexpected absence! After the record low ratings on the last episode, I know you motherfuckers are just as happy to have me back as I am to be here! Next time I see that little KaChang, motherfucker, I’m gonna KaKnock his motherfucking lights out!”
Winston: “Ha ha! I believe his name is KaChow, Julius.”
With bulging eyes, Julius snaps his head toward his co-host as if he were James Edgebrook himself.
Julius: “I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing!”
While clearly frightened by his employer’s sudden outburst, Winston still finds the courage to whisper a response.
Winston: “...it’s so damn good to have you back…”
Julius lurches forward aggressively, causing Winston to flinch and begin to tug at his shirt collar. After faking out his co-host, Julius gives a satisfied nod before turning his attention back to the live audience and main camera.
Julius: “Enough about last episode’s motherfucking disaster! It’s time to find out what’s going on in the wide world of Project motherfucking Honor, and the best way to do that is with this week’s Viewer’s Verse!”
Julius: “This week’s amateur rhyme comes to us from a regular viewer of the show and prior viewer’s verse contributor, little Shawn from North Cack-a-lacky! This week Shawn writes...
“Dickie Watson was in a rough patch,
Dickie Watson had a big match.
All Dickie’s wrath and all Dickie’s rage,
Destroyed Tyler Bradford on the big stage.”
Julius: “Meh, at least it rhymed, you lazy motherfucker. It sounds like little Shawn might be a big Dickie fan. Well I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure that motherfucker got his ass suspended. On the bright side, they’re expecting Tyler to regain consciousness sometime next Tuesday.”
Julius flips the cue card away as he gives his head a disappointing shake.
Julius: “We’ll be right back with this week’s Fab Four after a word from a very special motherfucking sponsor!”
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“It’s Chips Ahoy, motherfuckers! Why? Because fuck those Girl Scout Cookies! That’s why!”
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Julius: “Goddamn right! Taste that chocolatey goodness, DeMarco!”
Winston: “Those are some delicious cookies, sir...”
Julius: “That’s cause they’re crazy with chips, motherfucker! Now enough about the goddamn cookies, cause it’s time for my motherfucking Fab Four!”
Julius: “Between Fallout and a motherfucking Pay Per View, I had plenty of impressive performances to choose from this week. Fortunately, your favorite motherfucker has managed to narrow it down to four. Actually, I narrowed it down to six, but my show, my rules, motherfuckers!
Julius: “These are the motherfuckers responsible for turning my Fab Four into a Sensational Six this week, but that’s the kind of problem that’s good to have! It wasn’t long ago that these goofy little bastards earned themselves an F Grade, but Big Drip have proven that they can eat adversity and bounce back like indigestion! First they debuted their new Drip Report, which was ten times better than anything James Edgebrook has put on the air! Then TJ managed to get a win over Pat the motherfucking Postman on his own turf, Sauce got the pin fall in a match against two other teams, and Petey even pulled some rhythm out of a stiff like KaChow! Now they may have some tough tests ahead of them with opponents like Myojin and Ozymandias, but for now the Holy Trinity of Hip have returned to relevancy! Congrats, motherfuckers!”
Julius: “Making her return to my Fab Four is the reigning Noble Champion and resident Dream Killer, Kayla Richards! Last week we saw her totally destroy Martha Atlas to the point that Miss Martha may not ever be the same! When you combine her skill and her confidence, it’s difficult to find a more stable presence on Fallout! If Kagome holds onto her title shot, I don’t think Kayla will be losing her gold any time soon. Now Pixie Sloan may turn out to be the proverbial fly in the ointment, but Kayla will cross that bridge when she gets to it! Hell, she might not only cross that motherfucker, she might burn it to the motherfucking ground with the kind of fire that would make Pyro jealous! For being a consistent badass, you’ve just made my Fab Four for the second time! Congratulations, motherfucker!”
Julius: “Well, well, well! Take a look at this suave motherfucker right here! If your dumb ass didn’t tune in to Public Execution, you missed a whole lot of motherfucking action! You also missed the Project: Honor debut of Alessandro Quagliaterre when he took Elena DeDraca to her limit! He may not have managed to put our Legacy Champion down for the count, but he gave her the kind of fight that would have been championship worthy had the title been on the line! He may not be in the company full time, but rumor has it that there are a few more high profile matches written into his part-time contract. It took three simultaneous curb stomps for Elena to put AQ down, and if that doesn’t tell you how impressive this motherfucker is, then you must have scored lower on your I.Q. test than James Edgebrook! Not only was he impressive in his Public Execution match, but my motherfucking Twitter timeline is full of #QuagCup advertisements on top of that! For being all over the place and showing up in style, you’ve made my Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!”
Julius: “Taking up the last spot on my list was the easiest choice of them all! I was in the same match as this motherfucker, and I can vouch for how impressive he was in that Cookie Table Battle Royal! Motherfucker was throwing bitches out left and right, and even if he didn’t get my ass through one of those tables, he came pretty fucking close! Alara Adams may have said it best when she said that the only person who could eliminate Havoc was Havoc! Not only that, but he eliminated everyone’s favorite Night Owl, so we know he’s not the kind of guy to hesitate when confronted by a pretty face or a sentimental favorite! Havoc is ruthless and brutal, and I don’t think he’s gonna discriminate when it comes to who’s on the receiving end of his rampage. I for one, will keep my eyes peeled when it comes to this motherfucker, and that’s enough of a reason to put him in my Fab Four! Congratulations, you scary motherfucker!”
The graphics fade from the screen and focus on Julius once again.
Julius: “With two loaded episodes of Fallout and Proving Ground to look forward to, you never know what my Fab Four will look like next time! Well, I’m pretty sure you won’t see Pyro or James Edgebrook on it, but other than that, it’s anyone’s ballgame! You’ve seen who stood out this week, but who was Project: Honor’s biggest fuck up? Stay tuned and you’ll find out in The F Grade right after this commercial break!”
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“Who needs a bunch of motherfucking Girl Scouts when you’ve got Elves, motherfucker? Girl Scout Cookies can kiss my motherfucking ass!”
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Julius: “Everything’s better with motherfucking elves. Cereal, Christmas, Peter Jackson movies, sex on psychedelic's, and especially cookies! Speaking of elves, not even a magical motherfucker with pointed ears could have saved a certain someone from this week’s F-Grade!”
Julius: “So Kasey Winterborn has a stalker. It could be Lil’ Petey, it could be Shawn Warstein, hell, it could even be a suave motherfucker like me! If there’s one thing that keeps me up at night, it’s wondering if the carpet matches those drapes! You dig?”
Julius gives the camera a sly smile and a wink before he continues.
Julius: “The bottom line is, someone’s getting a little too creepy with their affection towards Little Miss Vex, and Christian DeMarco has decided to handle it personally. I can’t blame DeMarco, because he actually started acting like a motherfucking general manager last week instead of Jigsaw’s jealous cousin. The motherfucker that earns an F-Grade for his investigative skills and efficiency as a bodyguard?”
Julius makes an arcing motion with his hands, creating an animated rainbow upon the screen.
Julius: “Magic, motherfucker!”
Julius: “If everything is better with elves, then everything must be worse when you add mute motherfuckers with alopecia! I know we all get a good laugh out of Arik from time to time, but did anyone actually think that goofy little bastard was gonna do anything that Kasey couldn’t handle herself? He has to be the most ineffective bodyguard I’ve ever seen, and you don’t need that good of a memory to know that I had a pretty piss-poor bodyguard myself! Arik Holt did such a terrible job of protecting Kasey and uncovering her stalker that he made Thaddeus H. Craft look like Magnum motherfucking P.I.! If Arik Holt had Kevin Costner’s role in that Bodyguard movie, Whitney Houston would have been dead before the opening credits were done rolling!”
Julius’ eyes have started to bulge as his voice grows louder with every sentence.
Julius: “If I wasn’t up to my brass balls in Dragos and Pyros I’d volunteer my services to Kasey just to make up for the fact that she had to be around that creepy little motherfucker for an entire episode of Fallout! If that wasn’t bad enough, James Edgebrook got himself involved in the entire situation! What the fuck is going on with you, Jimmy? I know I’ve been hard on your dirt-sheet writing ass, but I ain’t never turned a motherfucker into a perverted alcoholic before! If you were a decent human being to start with, I might actually feel bad!”
The camera zooms in closer to Julius’ face, making it easier to see his nostrils twitch and the spittle fly from lips.
Julius: “Back to Kasey and Arik! It doesn’t matter if her stalker turns out to be Pat the motherfucking Postman or my mailman, Mike! There ain’t a soul living that Kasey can’t beat up a hell of a lot easier than Arik! What was he gonna do if he came face to face with the stalker anyway? Pull a motherfucking rabbit out of his hat? Pull a goddamn clue out of your ass and let Kasey handle that psycho motherfucker on her own! That’s it! I can’t scream about this anymore, because somewhere out there I imagine Arik is sobbing onto his whiteboard and that tugs at my motherfucking heartstrings more than the end of Million Dollar Baby!”
As Julius begins to calm himself, he cannot help but make one final point.
Julius: “Whoever the stalker is, I hope he’s happy right now. Not only has he got Kasey looking over her shoulder, but he’s manipulated me into making Arik motherfucking Holt cry. That shit’s just about as evil as it gets. Think about that for a motherfucking moment, and we’ll be right back with this week’s F Bomb!
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“Do you remember when I said the Girl Scout’s could kiss my ass? Pepperidge Farm remembers, motherfuckers!”
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Julius: “That just about does it for this week, but as always, I can’t leave my favorite motherfuckers without a few words of wisdom. You know that means it’s time for...
Julius: “In keeping with the theme of my previous segment, this week the letter F stands for...Fixation!
Fixation [fikˈsāSH(ə)n]
NOUN: an obsessive interest in or feeling about someone or something.
Julius: “Now we’ve already covered Kasey Winterborn’s current situation, but that’s only one example of the freaky shit going around Project: Honor lately! Over on the Proving Ground side of things, Mark Hunter seems to have his own problems with someone taking things a little too far. For a while, I thought my boy Indy might have been the one messing with Mark’s life, but we all saw that Indy’s own fixation damn near put him back in a hospital bed! You might even say that big motherfucker Ozymandias has been a bit fixated on Shawn Warstein of late, and that fixation ended with those two motherfuckers beating the holy hell out of each other! Dickie Watson has some fixations of his own, and now his ass is suspended! Motherfucking Pyro is so fixated on fire that it’s only a matter of time before his ass gets burned, and not in a way he’s gonna like!”
Before he starts to get fired up again, Julius forces himself to remain calm and focus on other types of recent fixations within Project: Honor.
Julius: “Now that’s not to say being fixated on someone or something is always a bad thing! Myojin was fixated on winning a main event, and that motherfucker got his just due. She may not admit it, but I’m pretty sure Alice Knight has her own fixations on yours truly, which could end well for both of us, if you know what I’m sayin’! Some motherfuckers might even say that I’m fixated on James Edgebrook, which is fun for everyone except for Jimmy, who might be checked into the Betty Ford Clinic by the time this airs!”
Julius shakes his head but keeps a sly smile upon his face.
Julius: “The point is, we’re all fixated on something around here. Just make sure you’ve got your ass focused on the right motherfucking thing, or else that obsession could end up owning you!”
The camera begins to pan out as this week’s closing song starts to play, once again signaling the approaching end to another edition of The F Word.
Julius: “You keep watching me, and The Shepherd will watch out for that motherfucking boogeyman hiding under your bed! Until next time, this is your favorite motherfucker saying be cool, or be gone!”
If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:
J. Fairweather
1469 Jackson Rd.
Detroit, Michigan 48201
And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.
