Post by ttthet on Apr 23, 2021 21:08:08 GMT -5
Our scene starts once again at the world famous HIP HOUSE. Our friend TJ Thompson is home alone, Yung Sauce and Lil Petey out at the studio. TJ Thompson sits at the kitchen table, staring at his phone. On his phone is the match card for Public Execution.
TJ Thompson: Hmm...card looks good! Card looks great! Looks like I'm facing good old Patty the Postboy. Again. I got this! Mailroom Massacre sounds kinda spooky, but it's Pat!! He'll surely find a way to fuck it up! I know I can beat him so this shit will be no problem.
TJ continues to scroll up the card until he comes upon the venue. TJ's eyes bug out like a cartoon character's. His face turns sheet-white. He vibrates in his seat in fear. After rereading it a number of times, he throws his phone across the room, unable to believe his eyes.
TJ Thompson: B-b-b-b...BRAZIL?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ANYWHERE BUT BRAZIL!!! FUUUUCK!!! I'M DOOOOOMED!!! This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to wrestle anywhere but Brazil! It's my worst nightmare! It's the place that I fear the most! I can't go back to Brazil! They can't make me! I remember the last time I was in that country. The first and last time!
TJ shudders and the scene switches to a flashback of TJ Thompson's childhood. The Thompson family is on a family vacation in Brazil and a young TJ Thompson has gotten separated. The six year old Thompson wanders through the streets, the roads getting more and more sketchy as he walks. TJ comes across a seedy bar and walks in.
Young TJ: Whoa, what is this place? Looks cool! Do you guys have ice cream?
TJ walks into the bar to see a variety of suspicious figures. In the middle is Barack Obama, doing a line of crack cocaine.
Young TJ: Hey, man! You're not supposed to put the sugar in your nose, silly!
Obama slowly turns around to regard TJ.
Obama: I think I know what I'm doing with that "sugar", little boy. What are you doing here? Where are your parents?
Young TJ: I'm trying to find them! My name's TJ! I got lost! Can you help me?
Obama: Maybe I can, little boy. I can use my connections to find your parents if you do one little thing for me. Can you go across the room and pass me that bag of sugar?
Young TJ: Sure!
TJ grabs the bag of coke and tries to take it to Obama but it's too heavy for him. TJ drops the bag and the cocaine spills all over the floor. Obama yells in anger.
Obama: YOU USELESS BRAT!!! THAT WAS THE MOST EXPENSIVE CRACK COCAINE ON THE PLANET, YOU FUCKING CHILD!!! YOU JUST COST ME THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!!! AAAARRGHH!!!
Young TJ: I'm...I'm sorry! It was an accident!
Young TJ bursts into tears and runs out of the bar as the seedy bar patrons try to salvage the expensive crack.
Obama: I'LL FIND YOU ONE DAY, LITTLE BOY!!! I'LL FIND YOU AND BRING YOU BACK TO BRAZIL!!! DON'T COME BACK, YOU FUCKING CAC CHILD!!!
The scene switches back to the present day as TJ Thompson shudders at the memory.
TJ Thompson: I don't know if I can do this. I can't believe that guy went on to become the fucking president for eight years! The guy that terrorized my childhood for a whole three minutes! What a monster! I vowed to never go back to Brazil after that shit. He'll find me and kill me! Or at least make me pay for all those drugs. I'm broke, you know. Hmm. I wonder if he even remembers! After being the president and all, I thought the guy would live in America now! But I don't know if I want to risk it. My life is at stake! Is it really worth sacrificing my life for ANOTHER win over Pat?!? Hmm. Hmmmmmm.
TJ rubs his chin.
TJ Thompson: If I don't go, they'll just give me the loss! And I can't let Pat get anything over me! That's against my moral code! But if I go and Obama gets his hands on hands on me, my life is over! I'm not worried about the Mailroom Massacre. I know I can win that easily! I'm just worried about Obama getting his revenge! Who knows what he'll do to me?!? And if people find out, nothing will happen! They won't arrest a guy as loved as Obama! They'll never find my body! Argh. Who knew wrestling made you make these tough choices! I'm not smart enough for this.
TJ takes some time to weigh his options.
TJ Thompson: I'm...I'm not going! Pat can have his win! I'm not risking my life so I can beat the shit out of a guy I've already beaten twice! Whew! Now that that's done, I need to get some air!
TJ walks to the front door and opens it to reveal Barack Obama standing on his porch. TJ quickly slams the door and leans on it with a look of pure fear on his face.
TJ: Oh fuck. He's found me. After all these years. It's come to this. My life is in danger. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
TJ peeks out the window to see Obama staring at his front door. TJ runs up the stairs and locks himself in his room.
TJ Thompson: Oh god. Oh fuck. I gotta hide! I gotta keep this door locked until the boys get home! Why did I throw my phone across the room?!? Why does this shit always happen at the worst times?!?
While TJ rants, his closet door slowly opens to reveal Barack Obama standing inside. Obama walks out and taps TJ on the shoulder.
TJ Thompson: What is it? I'm kinda busy right now…oh no. STAY OUT OF MY CLOSET!!! NOOOOOO!!!
TJ scrambles away from Obama and tries the door but remembers he locked it. He fumbles to unlock it, but Obama rushes at him. TJ dodges him and yeets himself out his window headfirst. TJ lands on the lawn and is surprisingly unharmed despite going through a pane of glass and landing on his head. It must be the adrenaline. Or drugs. TJ makes a run for it down the street but stops in his tracks when Obama steps out from behind a tree.
TJ Thompson: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?!? GIMME A CHANCE TO RUN AWAY! SO UNFAIR! Please, I have a family!
TJ runs back to the front yard and hops on the back of Gerald the giraffe.
TJ Thompson: GO GO GO!!!
Gerald doesn't move, munching on some leaves.
TJ Thompson: NOOOOO!! YOU CAN'T BRIBE MY GIRAFFE!!!
TJ tries to run back to the HIP HOUSE but Obama pops up from behind another tree. TJ slowly backs away, paralyzed with fear but gets grabbed by two Secret Service agents.
TJ Thompson: HUH??? HE'S NOT EVEN THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!! THAT SHIT MAKES NO SENSE?!? WHAT THE FUCK?!? NOOOOO!!! PLEASE!!! WHERE ARE MY NEIGHBORS?!? Oh. I HAVE NO NEIGHBORS!!! AAAAHHH!!!
TJ gets stuffed into the back of a limousine with tinted windows as Obama silently looks on.
Obama: You're...going to Brazil. Vote blue!
TJ Thompson: NOOOOOO!!! OBAMA PLEASE! DON'T TAKE ME TO BRAZIL!!! I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! WHY DO I KEEP GETTING KIDNAPPED?!?
The Secret Service agents slam the doors shut and the scene fades to black as the limo drives off.
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The screen is pitch black.
TJ Thompson: So uh...hi! It's been three days. I've been in the back of this limo for as long as I can remember. I've been living off orange juice and cocaine. I've been peeing in a bucket. I don't know why people keep kidnapping me. This is like the fourth kidnapping. Something's gotta give. I can't just keep getting yoinked like this. I need to hire some security! This can't go on like this! But hey, on the bright side, Obama gave me a camera! Not that this makes this whole thing okay. It is not okay. It's anything but okay. I tried to use my expert negotiation skills to get them to let me go, but they're dead set on sending my ass to Brazil! This is not good. But hey, let's look on the bright side! There's not much of a bright side. But at least I have nothing to fear anymore! Well...not really. The whole reason why I was scared of Brazil was because I was worried about Obama getting to me. But Obama's already gotten me. So...yeah. At least there's that, right? RIGHT?!? I think I'm slowly losing my sanity. I can't go on like this. Constantly fearing for my safety. Getting snatched off the street. But hey, at least I can take it out on Pat!
That's right, it looks like I'm going to Brazil either way. So I guess I'll wrestle the match! I'm gonna be there anyway, might as well get another win! Obama told me I'm going straight to the post office, so it's time to pick up a dub! I don't know why this is even a thing, not gonna lie. I know I gotta pick up this package thing, but they couldn't just send it to the house? Who the fuck uses post offices anymore? What is this, the dinosaur era? And not only is this some weird mail trip, it turned into some hardcore type match! Damn, bruh. I didn't know they were ready to stoop to those levels. I think we know by now that Pat is pretty shit. He's seven feet tall. He's heavier than your average moose. But he still can't win a match! The guy just sucks at wrestling, man. He has all the tools. He's big. He's...very big. But he's still asscheeks! Come on, man! Do better. So they need to give him a crutch! They need to put the match in his workplace to give him a small chance of winning! And I'm about to be the fall guy! Hell no! I'm the fall guy for a lot of things. I've eaten pins for a lot of people. BUT FOR PAT?!? NAH!!! Not today! I'm not THAT bad, am I? I don't think so. Professionals have standards, bro! But it appears that PH is kinda ashamed. Their big monster postman dude that had all the hip turned out to be a dud. So they gotta give him a handicap! Damn. It do be like that sometimes. But unfortunately for him, I think he's beyond salvageable. There's nothing saving him! He couldn't get a win if his life depended on it! And if there are sharp objects in that mail, it might be. I'm a desperate man. I'll do anything to be FREE!!! And if it means unspeakable acts of violence...sure! I'm a flexible guy. Let's do it.
But next, I gotta talk to the man himself. Why not? It's not like I got anything else to do, right? Sigh. Right. So Pat. My main man. My boy. The score is 2-0, hoe. And the third time is not the charm. You hate to see it. Well...not really. It's a figure of speech. I think it's safe to say I have your number! I beat you in a normal match. I beat you in a tag match where you had a tag partner to carry you. No matter the circumstances, it's the boy, TJ Thompson coming out on top! Every single time! I hope you know you never really stood a chance! Really. I'm just that good. Nobody really stands a chance! Well..unless they win. But after a win, I think it's safe to say that that usually doesn't happen! I've beaten your ass twice. The finish was clean as a whistle both times. But here we are, meeting up again! Shit, man. You're a sucker for punishment or something. Or you just like being beat up. Same thing.
There's no excuses for you now, dude. We're in your home territory! We're going one on one! The best man wins! But not only that, but you have the advantage! We're in your place of work! You know the place like the back of your hand! You got all the mail secrets! Also because I've been locked in the back of this limo in the dark for the past three days. That too. If you can't win this, I don't know what to say! Well. I will know what to say. You suck. And trust me when I say that you won't be able to win! For reasons stated above. Many reasons. And when you lose this, the world will finally see how much of a bum you are! You have all the advantages! I've got all the odds against me! But the goated side is still gonna come out on top as always. Pat, there are a few things in life that are guaranteed. Death. Taxes. And Pat the Postman losing to TJ Thompson. Yup. It's just how things are and that won't be changing anytime soon! And whatever's in that package better be good. Well...I'd be happy to leave this limo with my life. But the package better be quality too!
The battery on this camera is running low. I gotta wrap this shit up. How people will see this, I have no idea. I'm sure those presidential types have their ways of getting shit done. I'm on my way to Brazil whether I want to be or not. I've accepted this. It is what it is. The mailroom is waiting for me and I'll be ready! But one last message. Pat, prepare to take yet another L from your boy! AND OBAMA, PLEASE! LET ME GOOOOOOO!!!
Oh yeah. FUCK YOU EDGEBROOK, I'M COMING FOR YOUR KNEECAPS, YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BA-
The feed abruptly cuts out.