The Drip Report | Episode One
Apr 14, 2021 22:07:10 GMT -5
Project: Honor, CallMeRobert, and 2 more like this
Post by DARIUS WALKER on Apr 14, 2021 22:07:10 GMT -5
 “Ayo, Sauce… Sauce… SAUCE!” The opening camera shot fades into The Hip House, and in the bedroom of one Yung Sauce fast asleep and under the sheets, his eyes slowly opening before being startled by the large camera being pointed right down and directly in his face, confused by what in the hell is happening right now. YUNG SAUCE: Ayo, fam! What the fuck is this shit!? CAMERAMAN: We were sent here to do the thing! You know what thing we’re talking about, right? YUNG SAUCE: No? CAMERAMAN: ...oh my god… Sauce begins to reflect on what happened yesterday, but the boy’s been too drunk on the [KOOL AID] to even understand what went wrong the night before. Sauce sits up and looks around him and sees a sheet of paper that sat on the bedside locker. Picking up the piece of paper, he begins to read. CAMERAMAN: I hope those aren't SATIN sheets… YUNG SAUCE: ...yeah, they are. CAMERAMAN: … An awkward silence descends over the HIP HOUSE. YUNG SAUCE: Oh… OH… OH FUCK- That’s when Yung Sauce finally reads the piece of paper. “Sauce, we’ve to be up by 10:30 in the morning for the new thing we’re doing… make sure you’re awake for it fam, ight? Cool beans, see you in the m-o. Petey.” YUNG SAUCE: Son of a BITCH- Sauce rushes out of bed, finding himself in his boxers and dashing for the wardrobe, as he comes out of the walk-in wardrobe with a handful of clothes, he spots the cameraman again. YUNG SAUCE: Seriously? I’M A FUCKING MINOR AND YOU’RE RECORDING ME ALMOST NAKED! The cameraman rushes out of the room, hoping Chris Hansen isn’t anywhere nearby. The camera view changes to TJ Thompson jumping out the back of a white van, escaping yet another kidnapping attempt. TJ THOMPSON: This time it was the space pirates. Fuck the space pirates. I didn't know pirates drove white vans. The more you know! Shit, man. It's a hella long walk back home! And I'm pretty sure I'm late for something. I'm always late for something. I gotta flag someone down to get a ride! Surely I won't get kidnapped again, right? Riiiiiight. TJ flags down an oncoming car. The car stops and the windows roll down. TJ THOMPSON: Hey, buddy! You think you can give me a ride back to my crib? I think I'm late for something. As usual. TJ peeks inside the vehicle to see a sketchy looking old man driving it. TJ slowly backs away. TJ THOMPSON: Uhhh...I think I'll just walk. I'll get there eventually! Suddenly, the cameras cut back to the Hip House where Lil Petey is seen on the couch. He’s got an XBOX controller in one hand and a beer in another. After taking a sip of the beer, he sets it down and with both hands on the controller, starts to press random buttons. LIL PETEY: YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! Petey throws his hands up in the air out of frustration and almost tosses the controller at the TV. If you couldn’t tell what he was playing, it’s obviously Call of Duty. When the camera reveals the TV, you can see him going into the Gulag. He leans forward, focused on getting out of the Gulag, but takes another sip of the beer before it begins. Once the 1v1 starts, he runs in without a second thought and with his shotty, he muds the person in front of him. LIL PETEY: EAT ME! Petey picks his beer up again and as he’s taking a sip, the cameraman says something. CAMERAMAN: Dude… At the sound of the cameraman’s voice, Petey spills the beer all over him, jumps out of his seat, and looks at the cameraman in absolute shock. LIL PETEY: When the fuck did you get here?! CAMERAMAN: Did you forget where you’re supposed to be right now? LIL PETEY: I’m not supposed to be anywhere. Well, now I gotta run back upstairs and fix this drip. The drip isn’t supposed to be drippin’ like this. Ya feel me? CAMERAMAN: Petey. LIL PETEY: What?! The cameraman just stands there for a second and lets Petey think on it for a second. LIL PETEY: Was your mom coming over again? CAMERAMAN: Really? A mom joke? LIL PETEY: Your sister? CAMERAMAN: No you fucking idiot, you have to meet the others in the room to do that thing. Petey pauses for a second. LIL PETEY: Wait… I got it. CAMERAMAN: Finally. LIL PETEY: We’re running the train! LET’S GO!!! Petey’s phone dings and he pulls it out. A message shows up on the lock screen. With his Face ID, the message unlocks and shows that it’s from Yung Sauce. It reads: “Bro where are you?! Did you forget that today was the day we bless the world?” He started thinking really hard about what this could be and you could almost see smoke coming from his ears. Petey looks at his Apple watch and notices the time and date. LIL PETEY: OH SHIT! I’M COMIN’ BROTHA! VOICE IN THE DISTANCE: that's what she said… After realizing what he had to do, Petey turned off the XBOX, TV, and started running. He runs past the beer fridge and back peddles to grab one, then sprints off through the house. A weary TJ walks through the front door. Yung Sauce walks out of his closet and all three members of Big Drip Productions meet in the lounge room, gathered around a large table and wearing their DRIPPEST clothing that Scott Oasis’ money can buy. This was the start of something new… This is...  YUNG SAUCE: Hey all you cool cats and kittens, welcome to the first ever DRIP REPORT! A brand new EXCLUSIVE to Project: Honor’s programming, just like The Edge and The F Word! LIL PETEY: Except… ya know… better. YUNG SAUCE: Because… we got that DRIP! LIL PETEY: YA FEEL ME!? TJ THOMPSON: DOES NOBODY CARE THAT I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED AGAIN??? Sauce and Petey look at each other and let out a huge sigh. LIL PETEY: Dude… isn’t that like the third time THIS WEEK? And it’s Wednesday! TJ THOMPSON: LOCK THE DOOOOOOOR!!! LIL PETEY: Sauce, you think you can babysit someone older than you? I would… but I have prior commitments to follow through with. YUNG SAUCE: I… what? The man’s like… TJ THOMPSON: Forget it. FORGET IT!!! What's my line?!? Uh…Drip Report! Yeah! Woo! Let's do it! LIL PETEY: Oh yeah, I almost forgot we’re being recorded right now. Welcome to the Drip Report! Like Sauce said, this is a brand new EXCLUSIVE to Project: Honor and we’re going to bring you the drippiest, hippest, sauciest of times! All three of the drippy boys go silent as they all forgot their lines. LIL PETEY: What was the first thing we were gonna do? TJ THOMPSON: I dunno, bruh. YUNG SAUCE: I mean… we could start with your thing… you feel me? TJ THOMPSON: Feeling you is against the law, Sauce. YUNG SAUCE: RELAX FAM! LIL PETEY: Yeah, Sauce… come up with your own lines. You’re gonna get us in trouble on live TV! TJ THOMPSON: I'm just saying! Excitement takes over Petey’s face and he puts his mouth right up to the microphone. LIL PETEY: FUCK YEAH! IT’S TIME FOR…  At the top of his lungs, Petey begins to shout. LIL PETEY: THE VIBEEEEEE CHEEECCKKKKKKKKK!!!! YUNG SAUCE: VIBES ARE TO BE CHECKED!! TJ THOMPSON: ARE THEY GOOD?!? ARE THEY BAD?!? I HAVE NO IDEA!!! YUNG SAUCE: TELL ‘EM, PETEY! LIL PETEY: The purpose of this segment is to take tweets or any type of promotional material and… well… check the vibes of them! Are the vibes way off? Are they on point? Let’s find out! Pull up the first tweet on the screen!  LIL PETEY: There’s so much wrong with this tweet and I hate to do it to the boy, but let’s dig in… Petey remembers he had a beer next to him and takes a swig before checking the vibes. LIL PETEY: First of all… this dude uses Android?! VIBES ARE WAY OFF! It’s Apple gang or die, right fellas? TJ THOMPSON: Fax! SMELLS LIKE BROKE!!! YUNG SAUCE: ...uh… yeah! Smells like BROKE! TJ THOMPSON: But I don't know about you guys, but I gotta agree with the tweet! I'll never forgive Edgebrook for picking me to lose to THAT BUMASS PAT!!! And the king of cap Alex Slayer! He's biased as fuck! Julius has never done me wrong! YUNG SAUCE: As Dickie would say if he wasn’t banned on Twitter right now… FUCK FALLOUT! Sauce sticks up the middle fingers in the air. LIL PETEY: I feel you there, Teej. BUTTTT, I might have to disagree a little. That boy Edgebrook brought me onto the show and I had a fantastic time. I can’t remember what I said or what I was brought on the show for, but Julius hasn’t reached out to me yet and that’s fucked up if you ask me. TJ THOMPSON: This ain't Julius' fault! You don't even get invited to your family reunions! LIL PETEY: I told you not to bring that up again… and you had to do it on LIVE TV! Your vibes are almost way off now. TJ THOMPSON: I'm...I'm sorry. What's your take, Saucey? YUNG SAUCE: I mean… you know… they both ight. But also, Julius put us on The F Grade and that’s just a no-no, as you might say, Petey… THE VIBES ARE WAY OFF LIL PETEY: I have to agree with you, Sauce Boy. For that big ass afro headed fuck to give us an F Grade… THE VIBES ARE WAY OFF! The Edge is better than The F Word. After this episode of The Drip Report, though… we finna blast off. TJ THOMPSON: OH FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!! This is why we made our own show. Nobody says nice things about us except us! YUNG SAUCE: Well… they both gave us some good words before but the F Grade is just… it’s there. LIL PETEY: The damage has been done, Julius. Your vibes are way off. NEXT TWEET! YUNG SAUCE: I can sense some poor Irish bastard screaming his head off in embarrassment.  YUNG SAUCE: IT’S MISTER M.V.P… SIMP!!! A siren sounds and red lights start to flash. LIL PETEY: THE SIMP SIREN! IT’S GOING OFF RIGHT NOW! TJ THOMPSON: BAH GAWD, DOES THIS MAN HAVE NO SHAAAAAME?!? YUNG SAUCE: WHAT A FUCKING SIMP! LIL PETEY: While simpin’ is for the weak, I can understand why… kinda. Savannah is a hottie, for sure, but we still don’t condone the actions of a simp. This man Jason created Saturday Night Simping and I’ve never seen anything more cringe. YUNG SAUCE: She got that CAAAAKE but the simpin’ is too much, brehs. TJ THOMPSON: The vibes are BEYOND off. THAT BOI STARVIN!!! Petey signals for something from the cameraman and is handed a remote. He clicks a button for the tweet to change into something else. After letting it play for a second and staring directly at the camera, he clicks the remote again to bring the tweet back onto the screen. YUNG SAUCE: You know, even still with Jason, he’s still a decent guy. TJ THOMPSON: Bruh. LIL PETEY: Are you… defending a simp? YUNG SAUCE: Nope, just breaking the fourth wall. Sauce winks to the camera. TJ THOMPSON: Smh. LIL PETEY: Well, now that you’ve had an underage teen wink at you, it’s time to move onto the next tweet. Petey goes to click the remote, but pauses for a second. LIL PETEY: Oh shit, I almost forgot. JASON, YOUR VIBES ARE WAY OFF, BRO! YUNG SAUCE: ...shit- I MEAN. YEAH. VIBES ARE WAY OFF, BREH! TJ THOMPSON: You need a DOCTOR, bro! YUNG SAUCE: Now… this next tweet is gonna be a little… different, if you know what I mean. It’s from Twitter- buuuut… there’s something that we WISHED to have shown y’all buuuuut… just show the image.  LIL PETEY: Here… you see Dickie Watson getting his account temporarily suspended. Unfortunately the tweet he got suspended for has since been deleted or removed, but we still had to save this one for last because it’s HILARIOUS! YUNG SAUCE: Moving from one man notorious for being banned to a recent person being struck by the ban hammer and locked in Twitter Jail. You really do hate to see it. TJ THOMPSON: Twitter looking real soft right now! LIL PETEY: Some would say that… the vibes are way off! Getting banned or suspended on Twitter isn’t that hard, but you really gotta say some sus things to make it happen. YUNG SAUCE: I believe the tweet in question said something along the lines of, and I quote -- “Christian DeMarco, I hope you slit your wrists”. TJ THOMPSON: Haven’t we all wished that at one point? YUNG SAUCE: Besides the point… Petey, how we feeling about this? This whole time, Petey has been on his phone, really digging to find the tweet that was in question. Even though Sauce quoted it, Petey still wanted to find it. LIL PETEY: BOYS… I HAVE FOUND THE TWEET! YUNG SAUCE: HUH!? TJ THOMPSON: OH SHIT!!! Petey clicks the remote for the screen to switch.  LIL PETEY: I had to pull some strings, BUT BEHOLD! We’ve known and heard Dickie to be a little aggressive and whiny at times, but this one was just… wowzers. We all dislike DeMarco, but Dickie said what most were thinking. I’m starting to think the vibes are on for this one. Y’all gotta convince me, though, because it takes a lot for that to happen. TJ THOMPSON: I mean...people have said worse, right? It’s not thaaaaaaaaat bad...is it? LIL PETEY: Like Sauce tweeting about the book of misogyny on Valentine’s Day… YUNG SAUCE: International Women’s Day… LIL PETEY: That’s not the same day? YUNG SAUCE: Nope. LIL PETEY: Uh… oh. Anywhore, we lost our focus. Y’all think the vibes are on or way off with this one? TJ THOMPSON: The vibes...are way on! I gotta admit that I’m on the fence, but he was just saying what we were all thinking! YUNG SAUCE: The vibes are way on for once! If young Dickie don’t trust you, we gotta shoot you, home boy! LIL PETEY: You heard it here first! Dickie Watson’s tweet that got him temporarily suspended is cause for the vibes to be on! We’ve seen Lance and his android phone, Jason simpin’ just like he did for Sara Cross, and now Dickie Watson and his throat slitting tweet to DeMarco! Just like that, the first ever Vibe Check segment concludes! TJ THOMPSON: Heh...I forgot about Sara Cross…:mjlol: But let’s move on! LIL PETEY: What’s next, my fellow drippy boys? YUNG SAUCE: WELP… LET’S DO THIS… DRIP OR NOT! TJ THOMPSON: Woooooo!  YUNG SAUCE: Well, well, well… Welcome to Drip or Not! A little seggie of mine where we run down only some of the Project: Honor roster that’s been buzzin’ a little in the last few weeks and see if they truly are worth the Drip or nah. TJ THOMPSON: Uh… I feel like I’m dripping right now… I’LL BE RIGHT BACK OKAY?! TJ quickly gets out of his seat and runs out of the scene. LIL PETEY: Seems like TJ had to use the bathroom… Ironic that Drip or Not is just getting started. DRIP OR NOT… let’s get it! I’m ready to rate this shit. YUNG SAUCE: Ight fams, let’s see who comes up first on the listing… oh shoot, we been here for so long that we even got TJ back on the set! What up, brudda! Take a seat, we gonna have a fun time with this ish! TJ THOMPSON: That beer did not agree with me. TJ runs back to his seat, almost out of breath.  YUNG SAUCE: Let’s be honest here, should we be surprised that Elena DeDraca is on the list? Should we be surprised that she’s made it all the way onto Drip or Not? What we saying boys? TJ THOMPSON: I mean...how can she not be?!? Petey almost falls out of his seat. He has to grab onto TJ’s shoulder and pull himself back up. LIL PETEY: Not gonna lie- TJ THOMPSON: DON'T MAKE ME TURN ON THE SIMP SIREN!!! LIL PETEY: Well, I think she’s a gorgeous woman and she’s at the top of the company right now. Maybe later tonight she can be on top of me. YUNG SAUCE: SOUND THE SIMP SIREN, TJ! LIL PETEY: WAIT, I’M NOT SIMPIN’. I’M JUST HORNY! THERE’S A DIFFERENCE! TJ THOMPSON: I got something for you… A loud beeping noise sounds. TJ THOMPSON: THE DOWN BAD BEEPER!!! Sauce then begins to horn a tooting horn. YUNG SAUCE: AND I GOT THE HORNY HORN! Petey grabs the horn and then sounds it himself. LIL PETEY: THE HORNY HORN HAS SOUNDED AND I SAY ELENA’S GOT THE DRIP! YUNG SAUCE: TJ, your thoughts?! TJ THOMPSON: I'm not as down terribly as Petey here...but I agree! She's got the drip! YUNG SAUCE: Elena’s been on a hot streak, and I gotta say her British Raven Cupcakes are just SOOOO GOOOOOD! DELICIOUS STUFF! And she’s a champion too?! SHE’S GOT THAT DRIP!!! LIL PETEY: All this talk about cupcakes is making me horngry now... YUNG SAUCE: The horn’s right there, brotha. TJ THOMPSON: You should be ashamed! LIL PETEY: Look, you put a hottie like that and some cupcakes in front of me and you’d think it was an eating contest. You feel me?! TJ THOMPSON: ...Let's move on. YUNG SAUCE: Yes… to our next person…  YUNG SAUCE: ...who the fuck is this!? LIL PETEY: TJ, isn’t this clown the one you just beat? TJ THOMPSON: Oh hey, it's Caddy! That's right. Lemme take this one, boys. Caddy is NOT dripping! I BEAT that ass, am I right? LIL PETEY: Hell yeah! Although, that jacket does look fire. Not gonna lie. TJ THOMPSON:...It's aight… YUNG SAUCE: ...it’s not though. TJ THOMPSON: I might have gotten it a little dirty with all the smackdown I handed to him! Yeah. Let's say that. What's the verdict, homies? Petey takes a second to stroke his beard in deep thought. LIL PETEY: NOT! The jacket is fire, but he took an L to the boy, so definitely no drip here. YUNG SAUCE: That boy got ZERO DRIP! Ain’t nothin’ touching that dude tonight. TJ THOMPSON: You love to see it! YUNG SAUCE: ONTO THE NEXT!  TJ THOMPSON: Hey, isn't that the chick Jason's stalking? LIL PETEY: IT IS! THAT BOY IS SIMPIN’ HARD! Now, Savannah is a sweet soul. She invited us to Candyland and to be honest, that’s enough drip right there for me. TJ THOMPSON: She's a good soul. She should find a better man! A man like…JOHN NASH STRADER!!! LIL PETEY: Savannah isn’t young enough for him. TJ THOMPSON: Oh yeah. You right. Maybe she has a daughter… Petey throws his beer across the room and runs away laughing his ass off. LIL PETEY (in the distance): HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT! TJ runs after him. TJ THOMPSON: YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY COMEDIC GENIUS YOU COWARD!!! LIL PETEY: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST WENT THERE! YOU KNOW SAUCE IS UNDERAGE TOO! WHAT IF HE GOES BOTH WAYS?! TJ THOMPSON: SAUCE HAS LEGS! HE CAN RUN AWAY! A cameraman finally catches up to them and chases them around the house as they continue to run. LIL PETEY: Didn’t Strader hit on MYOJIN a lot? TJ THOMPSON: His standards are low, okay? Petey starts running back to the set and leaves TJ in the dust. TJ THOMPSON: Don't leave me! Strader's coming for that young booty! We gotta keep Sauce safe! LIL PETEY: TJ KEEP UP! HE MIGHT KIDNAP YOU, TOO! TJ THOMPSON: WHY ARE WE RUNNING AGAIN?!? Sauce is watching all of this happen, and is dumbfounded by it all. YUNG SAUCE: Anyway… Savannah’s a nice girl, she’s a cool cat and all that kind of stuff and her run recently in Project: Honor has been nothing more than impressive. Proving dominance on Proving Grounds and Fallout, even beating the Project: Honor Prime Champion - Drago Santiago! Now that-- that’s DRIPPING if I do say so myself! What about you two? LIL PETEY: She’s definitely got the drip! She’s undefeated right now, beat the Prime Champion, and she’s just a very sweet person all around. She’s drippin’, for sure! TJ THOMPSON: Hell yeah! I can't see anything she's done wrong, she's dripping to me! TJ and Petey get back to the desk, both men calmed down. But behind the Big Drip boys, a man in a clown suit pops up behind them and yoinks Sauce out of his chair, picking the boy up and running away. TJ THOMPSON: NOOOO!!! IT'S BOHN BASH BADER!!! I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO WATCH SAUCE!!! LIL PETEY: YOU WERE TOO SLOW, TJ! I TRIED TO GET BACK BUT I HAD TO STOP FOR YOU! BOHN BASH BADER: Y O U N G M E A T TJ THOMPSON: OH GOD, OH FUCK! DEPLOY THE EMERGENCY SCHOOLGIRLS!!! An obviously fake life-sized doll depicting a schoolgirl falls out of the ceiling, distracting Bohn. Bader immediately drops Sauce and grabs the doll, running out of the HIP HOUSE with it. Big Drip breathes a sigh of relief. LIL PETEY: I was about to knock the dude out. Y’all know I’ve been training, but imma save those moves for later. No one messes with the boys, glad we had those emergency dolls for just this specific situation! TJ THOMPSON: We're always thinking ahead! You good, Sauce? YUNG SAUCE: ...yeah. I’m… I’m good. TJ THOMPSON: Great! Let’s get back to the desk and continue the clusterfuck. It’s time for…  TJ THOMPSON: HIIIIIIIP NEEEEEWWWWS!!! That’s right. What the world has been waiting for. The most reliable news source in the world is right here on the DRIP REPORT!!! We got some spicy headlines waiting for you guys! LIL PETEY: YESSS! All the breaking news that matters, all right here! What’s our first headline?!  TJ THOMPSON: Uhh...alright! I don't know, man. I'm familiar with Havoc from other companies and...maybe I can see some similarities? They're both spooky bois. But the same person? What do you think, Petey? LIL PETEY: Well, I’m suffering looking at them both, so I’d say yeah, they’re the same person. I don’t fuck with that, nothing against them, but ya know, spooky shit isn’t my cup of tea. How you feel, Sauce? YUNG SAUCE: I thought Havoc and Mark Hunter looked the same, to be honest. Something about them seems familiar, that face structure, you know? LIL PETEY: I don’t really see it… Mark’s got that Irish look while Havoc just looks fucking crazy. YUNG SAUCE: Have you ever seen Christopher Sabretooth -- the other persona of Havoc? Guy looks the exact same! Petey strokes his beard in deep thought. LIL PETEY: Oh shit.. WHAT THE FUCK MAYBE THEY DO LOOK ALIKE! YUNG SAUCE: I KNOW RIGHT?? TJ THOMPSON: I SEE IT NOW!!! LIL PETEY: So what… do we need to change the headline now? BECAUSE THIS IS NEWS RIGHT HERE! TJ THOMPSON: Naaaaaah...I'm too lazy...let's keep going! LIL PETEY: Bet! What’s next, TJ? TJ THOMPSON: We got…  TJ THOMPSON: SEX are virgins?!? I'm not surprised. All their girls are taken by US, am I right, boys? LIL PETEY: Yeah, not surprising. That pussy is out of this world, ya feel me? YUNG SAUCE: They into that… BEASTIALITY SEX?? LIL PETEY: Wait, what?! YUNG SAUCE: They only fuck aliens. Aliens are like humans. Humans are animals. Boom. LIL PETEY: Did Sauce… of all people… just drop some fucking philosophical shit on us? YUNG SAUCE: ...I'm smarter than I look. TJ THOMPSON: I'm...tempted to toot the horny horn on this one but...it's kinda weird... LIL PETEY: I don’t like this anymore, next headline…  YUNG SAUCE: ...what? TJ THOMPSON: I got this one guys. The simp siren sounds once again. TJ THOMPSON: WE'VE GOT A LIVE ONE BOYS!!! LIL PETEY: THE SIMP SIREN IS BACK!! TWICE IN ONE SHOW BABY! YUNG SAUCE: OH LORD, I SHOULD HAVE SAW THIS COMING! TJ THOMPSON: The man needs some HELP!!! YUNG SAUCE: We’ve been watching him simp over Kallie Reznik, Alice Knight, and worst of them all… Kasey Winterborn. LIL PETEY: It’s funny because I don’t even remember him and Atara, or whatever her name is, breaking up, but maybe that's why she hasn't joined Project: Honor yet? Now this boy tryna spread his seed all over the land! TJ THOMPSON: The last thing we need is a bunch of tiny Shawn's. We'd need to call an exterminator or some shit. TJ THOMPSON: Damn, I thought standards couldn't get any worse… YUNG SAUCE: A damn shame. TJ THOMPSON: Let's keep it moving!  YUNG SAUCE: More lesbians in Project: Honor?! TJ THOMPSON: How do you even get that information?!? YUNG SAUCE: It’s the Two Toned Mafia all over again! LIL PETEY: Sounds like she had a HOOT of a time? Ya feel me? TJ THOMPSON: ...this is why your wife left you, Petey. YUNG SAUCE: ...Petey was married? TJ THOMPSON: If he was, that's probably the reason why she left! YUNG SAUCE: ...you know, because the boy’s too busy playing Valorant- The camera pans over to Lil Petey on his $2,000 Gaming Laptop and playing VALORANT. TJ THOMPSON: GET BACK HERE!!! YUNG SAUCE: -I have to say it for him… TJ… THE VIBES ARE WAY OFF, BREH. LIL PETEY: Wait- when was I married? Also I stay tryna catch these dubs, you feel me? Let’s carry on. YUNG SAUCE: ..I think that’s it for HIP News… unless there’s something else. TJ THOMPSON: That's a wrap, fellas. Onto the next seg! LIL PETEY: This was definitely just a couple of the breaking news the world needs to know about! YUNG SAUCE: Hell yeah, but Petey, we’re gonna give you your time to play VALORANT and catch some dubs. LIL PETEY: Awww yeaaah! Good because I’m in the middle of this match and I’m poppin’ off on these hoes. Straight muddin’! YUNG SAUCE: TJ, my brudda, you ready for this bit? TJ THOMPSON: You already know!  TJ THOMPSON: THE SAUCY HIP PREDICTIONS!!! YUNG SAUCE: YOU ALREADY KNOW! Now, let’s get this bread as we run down the Fallout card from the bottom to the top, shall we? TJ THOMPSON: Yessir!  YUNG SAUCE: Well… do you want me to be legit with you, TJ? TJ THOMPSON: I do, my guy. YUNG SAUCE: Ain’t a fucking chance Martha’s winning. TJ THOMPSON: Man, I gotta agree! Marsha's cool and all but...naaaaaah. YUNG SAUCE: Kayla might have been stopped last week but still… she’s getting the fall guy- or even girl, in this situation- just before some kind of defense. TJ THOMPSON: I couldn't have said it better myself! Kayla picks up the dub. And not the one that ends with Cacsteel. YUNG SAUCE: Onto the next one! LIL PETEY: FUCK! HOW DID HE JUST KILL ME THERE?!  TJ THOMPSON: Who the fuck is Zack Tyler? DRAGO gets the win with ease. YUNG SAUCE: I don’t know who he is… but he likes to talk about EWC so I guess he’s from that shithole. Anyway, Drago is a bit of a tough one to pick after last week. But at the end of the day, I can see why you might think that. TJ THOMPSON: Zack better say goodbye to his fingers! Let's keep it rolling.  YUNG SAUCE: HEY! IT’S THE MAKE A WISH KID! HE’S BYKE! TJ THOMPSON: BAH GAWD, IT'S THE EGGHEAD! I mean… I dunno how I can pick Arik. Kasey for the dub! She's gonna be beating his head like a bongo! YUNG SAUCE: Yeah, Kasey’s been going off lately. I can’t see her losing any time soon. TJ THOMPSON: And I can't see Arik winning! Let's move to the main event!  TJ THOMPSON: Hmm...this is a tough one. There's some elite talent in this clusterfuck but I gotta go with the homie Julius Fairweather! You, Sauce? YUNG SAUCE: It’s tough. Look at all of those names. Such a massive line up. Savannah is there, Jason is there, Havoc is there, Julius is there, and even some new peeps that've been catching other’s eyes like Pixie Sloane and Alice Knight. Stroking his chin. YUNG SAUCE: I think I give this one to Havoc. Boy’s gonna go somewhere, and he’s a former OWA World Champion… He’s gotta do something, surely, right? TJ THOMPSON: Ay, our first disagreement! It should be fun to see how this thing ends! Now let's move onto the Proving Ground PPV, PUBLIC EXECUTION!!! LIL PETEY: BRO, HE JUST ONE SHOT ME!!!  YUNG SAUCE: ...easy. Thompson for the win. Without a fuckin’ doubt. TJ THOMPSON: BOY, IT BETTER BE EASY!!! I'm winning this one and stretching my win streak against that bum to three matches in a row. SUCK IT, EDGEBROOK!!!  YUNG SAUCE: ...who? TJ THOMPSON: As much as Raven has talked shit to me...I can't pick against him. James Raven has got this one against Ozy's chick. YUNG SAUCE: Ohhh… this is Ozy’s chick? Lemme spill the beans here and make a HOT prediction. I think she’s got the win with a massive upset. TJ THOMPSON: Damn, that's a FLAMING HOT take! I'm definitely rooting for her!  YUNG SAUCE: Well… I wish Tyler could look out and watch himself. TJ THOMPSON: would too if I knew who the fuck he was. Dickie's got it. YUNG SAUCE: After the bloodshed everyone saw at Wired Consequences and how Dickie’s turned a little bit violent… I think it’s one THOUSAND percent guaranteed that Dickie Watson is winning this. TJ THOMPSON: Big fax.  YUNG SAUCE: ...is that Guy Fieri? TJ THOMPSON:: This doesn't look like flavortown to me...I think I gotta go with the team of Lance, Cadillac and Emmanuelle. They're more seasoned and I know who they are! YUNG SAUCE: Yeah, they get my pick this time around… even if Cadillac don’t got that drip.  YUNG SAUCE: Well… TJ THOMPSON: My...my title...Oasis gotta win for the good of dripkind. Also because I could probably buy it back off of him. But who do I THINK is gonna win?!? Hmm… YUNG SAUCE: In my opinion? I think Euan’s got this. TJ THOMPSON: As much as I hate to say it I gotta agree. Anyone that can beat me has gotta be good! But still pulling for the homie Scott. YUNG SAUCE: It sucks to say it but yeah.  YUNG SAUCE: …sooooo… TJ THOMPSON: Yeah. I think we know who's winning this one. THE BIG DRIP BOYS!!! With ease, too. Light work. YUNG SAUCE: Hell yeah! Always gonna be THE BIG DRIP BOYS!  TJ THOMPSON: ALESSANDRO?!? Wha… YUNG SAUCE: IT’S THE FURRY LEGACY AMERICAN DREAM CHAMPION!? TJ THOMPSON: Elena wins. That's the prediction. YUNG SAUCE: I counter with AQ winning. TJ THOMPSON: The American QUACKER?!? LIL PETEY: HOW IN THE HELL ARE MY TEAMMATES SO BAD RIGHT NOW!!!??!?? YUNG SAUCE: He’s no cracker, TJ. That boy ain’t white! TJ THOMPSON: Must be a cookie. LIL PETEY: Wait, wait, wait- Y’all some fools! That boy AQ boutta show off his talent for sure! Now, I’m not predicting shit for legal reasons, but I know it’s going to be a damn good match. FO SHO! TJ THOMPSON: Ayo, I ain't doubting that! Let's move up the card!  YUNG SAUCE: Ooooh… this’ll be tough. TJ THOMPSON: Damn...this could go either way. Ozy is a fucking god, but Shawn can't seem to slow down! I gotta go with the Tyrant on this one. Sauce? YUNG SAUCE: Again, I gotta disagree. This is tough for both men but I see Ozymandias pulling out all the stops here! TJ THOMPSON: Cool beans! The match should be a banger either way. YUNG SAUCE: A muh-fuggin’ BLASSIC right there. LIL PETEY: IF.. and only if… Shawn can focus on the matches and not all those bitties he’s been talking to! YEAH BITCH TAKE THAT HEADSHOT!  TJ THOMPSON: Oh shit...I don't know if I can choose. You've got the top champion vs the man that's supposed to be booking him! Hmm… YUNG SAUCE: Indy. TJ THOMPSON: I'm gonna go with the Grand Champ! Indy's got an injury and you know how brutal Hunter can be… The Big Drip Boys reminisce about the pepper spray incident. TJ THOMPSON: Yeah. YUNG SAUCE: Nah, Indy’s got this even with the injury. He’s faking it, man! He’s over in WrestleWorld fighting and shit! TJ THOMPSON: Indy?!? Damn, bruh. Maybe he's just taking it easy? YUNG SAUCE: Boy’s gonna be Territorial Champion, man! YOU WORK THERE! You should know this! TJ THOMPSON: Don't remind me...FREEDOM FROM AMBER PAYNE!!! YUNG SAUCE: FREEDOM FROM THE RACIST! TJ THOMPSON: The wha- YUNG SAUCE: ...never mind.  TJ THOMPSON: The main event! Hmm...I've got to see what Myo can do many times. And he beats me EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! I'm gonna go with the Shining Star. YUNG SAUCE: Yeah… I see MYOJIN winning this. They’ll be a good movie star. Also, Aiden might shock us so i’ll be expecting that. TJ THOMPSON: This could be the match of the night! But one that ends with the homie...okay we're not homies...MYOJIN wins. Yep. And that concludes the SAUCEY HIP PREDICTIONS!!! One more segment to go before we sign off! YUNG SAUCE: Petey, you done now or what? LIL PETEY: Fellas, I caught the dubs! Y’all killed it with the Saucy Hip Predictions! It’s time for the finale! YUNG SAUCE: You know what time it is….  LIL PETEY: IT’S QUESTION TIME, BITCHES!! YUNG SAUCE: AYE! TJ THOMPSON: YEAAAAAAHHH!!! LIL PETEY: To kick off the first ever episode of The Drip Report, we’re going to open the phone lines to all you curious cats out there who wanna ask the Drippy Boys some questions! We ready to take some calls? TJ THOMPSON: You already know. YUNG SAUCE: LINE NUMBER ONE… SPEAK TO ME! A teenage girl can be heard through the speakers. Giggling can be heard in the background. TEENAGE GIRL: Uhm yeah. I was just curiousssss, how long have you had your facial hair, Saucy? YUNG SAUCE: Ever since like… two years ago, at least, and I been keeping it dapper like this. It’s a unique look I don’t see a lot of people going for and definitely not some copycat tryna take my style and persona in that shit hole place. TEENAGE GIRL: Well, I LOVE it! And I can’t wait to hear your new music. You and Petey rock my world! YUNG SAUCE: Stick around to the end and I promise you gonna love what’s coming, I believe that. LIL PETEY: I just want to take a second and on the record state… I have not, will not, and for fuck sakes… ever rock your world. My music can rock your world, sure. You know I stay with the cougars, though. TJ THOMPSON: The FBI is watching. Next caller! YUNG SAUCE: They looking for John Nash right now, they’re distracted. LIL PETEY: Bohn Bash? YUNG SAUCE: Daddy Dom Strader. TJ THOMPSON: MOVING ON- WOMAN: This one is for TJ Thompson, and uhhh… why haven’t you been answering my calls or text messages? TJ THOMPSON: Um...uh...all my messages are forwarded to my secretary! LIL PETEY: Wait, wait, wait. Why you lying? Lady on the phone… it’s because TJ’s been with Sauce’s mom! TJ THOMPSON: THAT IS TRUE!!! Sorry, lady. The position is filled! YUNG SAUCE: ...you fuckers. TJ THOMPSON: I'm just telling it like it is, bro. LIL PETEY: Iight, next caller! TEENAGE BOY: This one is for my homeboy Petey! When are you coming back to the States?!? LIL PETEY: Shit man, you know we out here whippin’ the foreign. I’m livin’ life right now! I think we’ll be back like late this year, though. Why you wanna know anyways? TEENAGE BOY: I gotta kidna-...I mean I need to see y'all in concert! YUNG SAUCE: ...what did he sayyyyyyyy!? TJ THOMPSON: I fear for my safety. Again. LIL PETEY: Someone sound the sus siren! The sounds of an Among Us Trap Remix is heard as the Sus Sirens goes off. LIL PETEY: Is the FBI still listening? Someone make sure this dude stays away from TJ! He’s getting kidnapped enough. TJ THOMPSON: And...I think that's a good way to cap off the show! Thanks for watching, fellas! LIL PETEY: Hell yeah! Let’s get a round of applause going. We heard the world was lovin’ us and here we are delivering more of the Drippy Boys for you all to enjoy! Petey takes the remote that he had earlier and presses a button. When he does, random clapping begins and the boys join in. YUNG SAUCE: LET’S GOOOOOOO!!!! IT’S BEEN A FUN RIDE DOING THIS SHIT, MAN! TJ and Petey walk off, leaving Sauce alone at the table. Sauce just smiles as he looks around, continuing to celebrate before seemingly calming down. The Sauce reaches over the table and grabs the remote from where Petey left it and examines it carefully, hovering over a button and looking to the TV Screen and then back to the camera. YUNG SAUCE: You know what… I think we leave y’all with some big announcement. And with one push of the button, the screen displays…  YUNG SAUCE: This has been The Drip Report, and for the rest of the gang, this is Big Drip signing off. Peace out, gang gang! With that, the scene finally fades to black. |