The F Word: EP #7

The views expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Project: Honor, Rock Johnson, Christian DeMarco, Indy Darling, or any member of our staff or roster. However, it is rumored that Caden Young missed the last Proving Ground because he was spiritually lost after the attack on Julius during Fallout. This week’s episode was filmed in front of a live studio audience in Cairo, Egypt, where a statue was to be revealed in Julius’ honor before he was stricken down by cowardly assailants.









The show opens with Winston Winfield on stage, dressed like an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, while nearby, Bambi and Candy appear to be cosplaying as a pair buxom Cleopatra twins.

Winston: “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for your favorite Project: Honor Exclusive, The Final Word with Julius Fairweather! Unfortunately, due to the actions of some cowardly thugs, your favorite host currently finds himself in a Tunisian Hospital while recovering from a concussion. Nevertheless, the show must go on as we present a new take on your favorite segments! Now, without further ado, please welcome tonight’s guest host! He is a world renowned journalist and investigative reporter...he recently made his debut for Proving Ground in an exclusive interview segment...and rumor has it that he is currently living in one of Project: Honor’s traveling equipment trailers...he is Monsieur Larry KaChow!!!!”

The stage’s golden curtains begin to part, revealing an Asian-American man of short stature and unimpressed facial expressions. He takes a long look at Winston’s outfit before shaking his head, and then ignores the live studio audience completely as he begins to make his way toward the desk usually reserved for Julius. As Winston follows to eventually take his place on the sofa and the Swallows twins make their way to the pole at the back of the set, Larry KaChow continues to look around with utter contempt and a lack of interest. Eventually, Larry takes his seat and does his best to force a pleasant yet unconvincing smile.

Larry: “Whassup, dawgs? As the old guy in the bathrobe said, your normal host is out with a brain lesion or Chownesia, something like that. So despite my contract explicitly saying that I’m only responsible for exclusive interview segments, you have the pleasure of seeing me twice in a matter of days. I guess I’m here to review the best and worst of last week’s Purring Grounds and Furrout, as if I actually watch this crap to know good from bad.”

Winston: “Ha ha! I think you mean Proving Ground and Fallout, Larry!”

Larry slowly turns his head toward Winston with the same unimpressed expression he had during his entrance. At first, Winston flinches as Julius would normally yell at him during this part of the show, but instead Larry only shrugs his shoulders.

Larry: “I think I joined the wrong Reddit groups. Remind me to fix that after the show. Anyway, I guess the Pulp Fiction guy usually starts out with a nursery rhyme or something, so we should probably get on to that...”

Winston shifts uncomfortably in his seat, giving Larry a questionable stare.

Winston: “You’re not going to start cussing at me or tell me to shut up?”

Larry: “Is that something you’re into? Cause if so, I’m definitely not doing it.”

Winston: “Well, no. It’s just that Julius usually drops a dozen f bombs by now…”

Larry takes a moment to squint at the production notes on his desk, then turns back toward his co-host.

Larry: “This says the F Bomb is the last segment of the show? Can I just skip to that and be done?”

Winston: “Uh, no, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that Julius has a particular way of talking and I’m not quite used to your...methods.”

Larry: “Look, do you want to host this thing? Cause I’m missing out on a night of Ambien and Egyptian hookers if you want to do it…”

Winston: “No, not at all! You’re doing great! Really! I’ll just shut the fuck up and pretend that you didn’t ask me a goddamn thing…”

The confused host shrugs his shoulders yet again.

Larry: “Whatever gets it up for you, old man.”





Larry: “So this week’s rhyme was sent in by some guy named Jeremy. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a dig at somebody or ironic in some way, but I’ll read it anyhow.”




Larry: “Yeah, I still don’t get it. Anyway, thanks for sending that in Jeremy. I was in a cult once, but it was more of a sexy cult with lots of promiscuous sex and heroin. If you can find that kind of cult, I say go for it, otherwise I’d avoid that scene unless you’re into snorting Kool-Aid and sodomizing goats.”

Monsieur KaChow continues to stare at the camera after his previous statement with a hollow, soulless gaze that makes the audience feel uncomfortable. Finally, he shrugs and breaks the uncomfortable silence.

Larry: “We’ll be right back after a word from one of our sponsors, and I’ll present “KaChow’s Funky Four” or something like that. Stay tuned. Or don’t. I get paid the same either way.”



Narrator: “Hello again, Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather! As a viewer of this program, we all know you love and support Julius Fairweather, but would you like to go the extra mile in showing your admiration? Now you can! Introducing F-Squared, the Fucking Fanatical Followers of Fairweather! It’s the only fan club worth a goddamn! For the low introductory price of $149.99, you can be one of the first members of Julius’ official fan club! What do you get for that affordable price you may ask? How about these limited-edition collectibles!”





Narrator: “That’s right! For the low price of $149.99, you can be a member of F-Squared, the official Julius Fairweather Fanclub! You’ll receive a pleather wallet monogrammed with the words “Bad Mother Fucker”, an autographed 8x10 of Julius, and a foam finger to show your support when Project: Honor comes to your hamlet, village, or city! In addition to all of these amazing gifts, you’ll also receive a personalized call from Julius himself* and one lucky fan could win the opportunity to be Julius’ special guest at an upcoming episode of Fallout**! Supplies are limited*** and there’s only room for the most diehard of fans, so order today and join F-Squared, the Fucking Fanatical Followers of Fairweather!”

**This is not a contest and it is important to note that we said one lucky fan ‘could’ be Julius’ guest at Fallout, which is in no way a legally binding promise.

***Each item has a limit of 20,000.

**********

Larry: “Seems legit to me. This Julius guy is no Monsieur KaChow, but that would be setting the bar pretty high. Wouldn’t you agree, Winthrop?”

Winston: “Uh, that’s Winston, and I’ve never actually been asked for my opinion before…”

Larry: “Yeah, well, don’t get used to it. Is it time for the segment that sounds like a blatant Beatles rip-off or what?”

Winston: “Um, yes, Larry. I believe it is.”

Larry: “Then let’s KaShow that graphic on the screen.”





Larry: “I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know my Dickie Watson from my Euan Hill. I could be sitting next to Elena DeDraca and think it’s just another Emo British lady. I knew a guy named Mike Hunt once, but I don’t think I could pick Mark Hunter out of a crowd. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s a damn good thing Julius sent in his Fab Four list or else I’d just have random pictures on the screen with made up names. What’s that? A picture of James Raven? Looks like a guy named Jimmy Frankenfurter to me. Anyway, I’ll read the stuff Julius sent in and let the rest of you make sense out of it.”





Larry: “Julius’ first pick is this chick who looks like an 80’s punk groupie. He says that she had a really impressive win over Kayla Richards and Crash Rodriguez. I guess one of them is a champion or something? Anyway, Pixie was really impressive and might have earned herself a title shot in the near future. Julius says that she might be as badass as Alice Knight, only she does a better job of looking the part. He also wishes Pixie the best of luck in her upcoming matches and says congratulations, motherfu...whoa. Can I say that on television?”

Winston: “I assume so. He says it quite often.”

Larry: “I can’t afford to lose this job. I have KaKids. Maybe I’ll just say, congratulations and add her name at the end?”

Winston: “I suppose…”

Larry: “Yeah. Let’s do that. Congratulations, Pixie.”





Larry: “So this next guy is called “The Bulldozer” and he lost his last match. Julius even says something about the guy not having many wins yet, but that he proved himself in last week’s main event. He took that Mark Hunter guy to the limit and he wasn’t afraid to stoop to the kind of underhanded tactics that Mark would normally try. Even in defeat, he showed a great deal of promise and Julius thinks this may have been his break-out match. Am I doing this right, Winslow?”

Winston: “That’s Winston, and yes, it seems okay to me…”

Larry: “It feels like I should be putting Mark Hunter here if he won their match, but whatever. I’ll allow it. Not my KaShow, not my KaProblem. Congratulations, Lance.”





Larry: “So next up is...whoa. Check this one out! Savannah needs to spin around for Monsieur KaChow so I can say “Haaaaammmm girl”! Now this is what I’m talking about! I don’t care about all this stuff Julius wrote about her getting an upset win over Optimus Prime, Savannah got it going on!”

Winston: “I believe that says she got a win over the Prime Champion, Drago Santiago.”

Larry: “I don’t care as long as she pins me down next! Is this girl on Proving Ground? I’d like to schedule her for one of my exclusive interviews, y’know what I’m saying?”

Winston: “Ah, yes. I’m sorry, but I believe she’s exclusive to Fallout.”

Larry: “Figures. Anyway, she beat this Drago guy and along with her main man, Jason Long, she’s supposed to be a big deal now. Crap. She’s taken. Do you think I could get him out of the picture? Maybe use a little KaKung Fu on him?”

Winston: “Highly unlikely.”

Larry: “Oh well. Congratulations, Savannah. And if things don’t work out with that guy, hit me up sometime.”





Larry: “And last but not least is Scott Oasis...holy shit! This dude is jacked! I thought all of these wrestling places cracked down on the roids!”

Winston: “Well, yes but…”

Larry: “I mean, he looks like the kind of guy I wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley! Could you imagine sharing a prison cell with him?”

Winston: “I’d rather not…”

Larry: “Wow! Anyway, uh, Julius says this guy lost in his tag match last week, but next he’ll be facing the guy he teamed with in some kind of championship match. He thinks that if Oasis can make the stars and moons align properly that he may even have what it takes to dethrone Euan Hill. Is that a big deal?”

Winston: “It most certainly would be…”

Larry: “My last court order had me telling kids to stay off drugs, but after looking at this freak I’m not so sure that’s good advice…”

Winston: “Actually, I’m sure Mr. Oasis has a very rigorous training regimen.”

Larry: “No kidding? You actually believe that? Are you gonna tell me those pinprick spots on his thighs are dimples?”

Winston: “I wouldn’t really know…”

Larry: “Yea, right. You look like the kind of guy that ‘nose’ his illegal substances. I bet your nose was redder than a baboon’s ass back in the 80’s. Anyway, congratulations Scott Oasis! That about does it for this segment. We’re going to take another little break but will be right back with this week’s F Grade!”




Narrator: “Hell yes, we’re still around! Especially when your wife or girlfriend isn’t! Hooters is also proud to announce our sponsorship of Project: Honor...or is that Project: Hooter? Come in on Thursday Nights to watch Fallhoot, or stop by on Friday for Hooting Ground!”

Narrator: “Hooters! When you’re with us, you’re with family...but we’re not blood-related if you know what I mean!”


Winston: “I’m more of a Twin Peaks man, myself.”

The middle-aged emcee gestures towards the back of the set, drawing Larry’s attention toward Bambi and Candy as they continue to sway aimlessly.

Larry: “You old dog! I’m starting to like you, Wolfgang!”

Winston: “Once again, my name is Winston. Maybe you could get it right if you’re starting to like me?”

Larry: “Eh, I don’t like you that much.”



Larry: “This next segment is called The F Grade, and while Julius may have sent in his own choice for who pissed him off the most last week, I’m going to call an audible and do it myself! If you watched Proving Ground last Friday, my choice for this week’s F Grade shouldn’t come as a surprise. Somebody put that primadonna’s picture on the screen!”



Larry: “That’s right, it’s this guy! Myojin! Can you believe I gave this guy the honor of being my very first guest on KaPow with KaChow, and he tried to kick my head off?! I was just doing my KaJob, asking the tough questions that everyone else is too afraid to ask, and this big shot went all Mel Gibson on me! If it wasn’t written in my contract that I’m not allowed to seek litigation for personal injury, I’d own this whole damn place by now!”

Clearly perturbed, Larry looks over at an apprehensive Winston.

Larry: “Just think of it, Waldorf! Project: KaChow featuring the KaChow Grounds and FallChowt! Maybe I need to find out who Myojin’s agent is, because my contract sucks! I spent three hours before that show just trying to pronounce his name right! I actually watched wrestling for the first time in order to ask the right questions! I hope Kayden Reynard kicks his frilly ass at whatever the Pay Per View is called!”

Winston: “I think you mean, Aiden Reynolds, and it’s called Public Execution…”

Larry: “Like it matters! The point is, Project: Honor saddled me with the worst inaugural guest in history! Thank god I’m interviewing Dickie Watson on the next show! I’m sure he’ll be a much more reasonable guest! I’m not really sure which one Dickie is yet, but at least he’s got a respectable name that I can pronounce! He sounds like the kind of guy that can take constructive criticism from an established journalist such as myself!”

Winston: “Uhhhh…”

Larry: “So there’s your F Grade! Eff you Myojin! Eff, eff, eff! You’re just lucky I’m easily knocked unconscious or there would have been hell to pay! Yeah! KaChow, baby!”

The F-Grade and Myojin’s graphics fade from the screen as Larry turns to face a different camera.

Larry: “That felt good! I could get used to this! Now don’t go anywhere, because we’ll be right back with the long awaited F Bomb after this final commercial break!”




Narrator: “...drug prevention…”



Narrator: “...stranger danger…”



Narrator: “...or even abstinence.”



Narrator: “No matter what issues may be facing the impressionable youth of modern society, we have a superstar capable of getting through to them. Say there little Timmy, what did you think of Terry Marshall and Space Lord when they visited your school?”

Timmy: “Those dudes were ripped. The only way I’ll ever do drugs is if they can make me look like those guys!”

Narrator: “Project: Reach Around. Together, we can reach around the world and make it a better place!”



Winston: “...if you say so…”

Larry: “Coming up next we have The F Bomb. Soooo, I just pick a word that starts with the letter F and ramble on about it?”

Winston: “Essentially, yes. However, I believe Julius has taken the liberty of sending you a message to read regarding this week’s F Bomb.”

Larry: “Whatever. Let’s get this done.”



Larry: “So this Julius guy writes, “My sincerest apologies to all of my Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather for being absent this week, but I ain’t about to leave you hanging when it comes to dropping some comforting words of wisdom to close out the show. This week, the letter F stands for Fraudulent. That’s because Project: Honor has arranged for some other motherfucker to stand in for me this week, and we all know he’ll never be as good as…”. Seriously? Am I contractually obligated to read this? Because it goes on about how I’m a fake, a fraud, and a poor substitution for another 5 pages.”

Winston: “Well, it is Mr. Fairweather’s show…”

Larry: “Not tonight, it isn’t! To hell with that guy! To hell with you, Wesley! Tonight it’s The K Word with Larry KaChow! It’s not being watched by the “Friends of Fairweather” anymore! Now they’re the KaChums of KaChow! Tonight I’m gonna have the letter K stand for...for...for Kurt Cobain! Yeah, that Nirvana guy who offed himself 25 years ago!”

Winston: “Ooookay. Now you have to talk about Kurt Cobain and how he relates to the past week in Project: Honor…”

Larry: “But...I don’t want to do that. I just want to be done with this so I snuggle up to those twins and get away from your old man smell.”

Despite the show being so near to completion, it would appear as if Winston has finally had enough of Monsieur KaChow as he gets to his feet and glares at the temporary host.

Larry: “Oh, calm down, Wilfred. It was only a joke…”

Winston: “For the last time, my name is Winston! And you, good sir, are a disgrace to everything The F Word stands for! So on behalf of Mr. Fairweather, his Motherfucking
Friends, the Swallows Twins, and even Kurt Cobain himself, I happily tell you to take a flying fuck off the tip of my sugar-coated cock!”

Suddenly, Winston reaches toward the desk, snatching up the coffee mug that Julius would usually fill with Hennessy. Before Monsieur KaChow can protect himself, Winston slams the ceramic mug over Larry’s head, sending him face-down on the desk in an unconscious slump. As the crowd cheers in approval, Winston straightens his Pharaoh’s attire before addressing the audience.

Winston: “Ahem. My most sincere apologies. I do hope you join us next time as Mr. Fairweather returns to give you the proper show you deserve. Until next time, motherfuckers…”

Winston begins to make his exit with Bambi and Candy close behind, as the closing credits of The F Word begin to roll...



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And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.