Post by Furious Julius Fairweather on Mar 14, 2021 14:17:22 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER
The views expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Project: Honor, Rock Johnson, Callum Walker, Christian DeMarco, or any member of our staff or roster. Caden Young, on the other hand, finds Julius’ thoughts to be profound and often meditates to the sound of his voice while getting high. This week’s episode was filmed in front of a live studio audience in Naples, Italy because Julius misheard it pronounced as “Nipples”.
Unlike most weeks, The F-Word does not begin with the applause of a studio audience or the appearance of Winston Winfield on a stage alongside Bambi and Candy. The sound of “Stuck in the Middle With You” is not heard as the show begins, instead replaced by complete silence. Our first clue that the show has actually started and that there hasn’t been some kind of mistake, is the appearance of Julius Fairweather himself. Only this is not the Julius we would come to expect, as his signature afro seems to be covered by a long wig of dreadlocks. With this new look, it could be assumed that he has chosen to begin the show cosplaying as Pyro, which he confirms as he winks and smiles at the camera.
Julius: “What’s up motherfuckers? In honor of Fallout’s first ever Pay Per View, I wanted to give you something special. I hope you enjoy this fucked up look inside of Pyro’s brain, as played by yours truly.”
Julius is standing outside of a quaint rural cabin on this chilly evening as he motions with his hand for us to follow him as this strange scene begins to unfold…
Following this unusual performance, the scene switches to the entrance stage of The F Word set just in time for Julius to burst through the curtains, still adorned in his wig of dreadlocks as if his departure from the cabin has led him directly to the studio. He gives a huge smile and a wink before holding up his healed middle fingers for the live studio audience, who cheer and praise the show host in response. Julius then makes his way to the left of the stage where Winston is already seated upon the sofa and the Swallows Twins are dancing on their stripper pole, both wearing dreadlock wigs similar to that of Julius’. The studio audience continues to applaud as Julius takes his seat behind the desk and gives a satisfied nod in response to the warm welcome he’s received.
Julius: “Now that’s what I’m talking about, motherfuckers! I bet your asses didn’t even know I could play the motherfucking piano! Well consider yourselves educated, because Momma Fairweather didn’t just enroll me in wrestling lessons, but she made sure my ass picked up some motherfucking culture along the way! Let me tell you, there ain’t nothing chicks dig more than a motherfucker who knows how to tickle the ivories!”
Winston: “Ha ha! You are correct, sir! Why, when I was younger I used to play…”
Julius shoots his co-host a threatening, bug-eyed glare, which stops him in mid-sentence. He doesn’t even have to remind Winston that he hadn’t asked for his opinion before the emcee tugs at his shirt collar and sheepishly turns his head away from Julius.
Julius: “That’s what I fucking thought. Now then, thank you all for joining us for another edition of The F-Word, filmed in the beautiful city of Nipples, Italy! Let’s kick this motherfucker off with not just one, but two special rhymes in a little segment I like to call…”
Julius: “The first of these two verses comes to us from a crazy motherfucker from down under named AJ. Let’s see what kind of dickerydoo he’s dishing out.”
Julius clears his throat and holds up a blue cue card before beginning to recite his first Viewer’s Verse of the evening.
“Thunderous Terry Marshall
Is a member of S.E.X.
What is he known for?
His quads and his pecs.
In the back of the van
Does he get bored?
Is he more than just friends
With his Space Lord?”
Julius nods his head in approval upon finishing his first of two rhymes.
Julius: “Not bad, not bad. Now let’s see if Erin from Colorado can do any better...”
“Terry and the Space Lord,
Their cocaine was white as snow,
And everywhere that both men went,
They always had plenty of blow;
They fought inside the ring one day-
But with this I do digress,
It is their promos so merry and gay,
That makes us love the Xpress.”
Once again, Julius nods his head with satisfied approval at the verses he’s been given.
Julius: “Now those were some tasty rhymes! I don’t know what Terry and Space Lord might think, but it’s clear to me that AJ and Erin love the S.E.X.! Somebody get those crazy kids a room…”
Julius tosses his cue cards aside and then reaches up to pull the dreadlocks from off the top of his head. He takes a second to fluff up the afro that was hidden underneath his wig before tossing the dreadlocks to a member of the studio audience.
Julius: “We’ve got a great show for you tonight! We’ll be right back with the motherfucking Storm Warning, right after a message from our first motherfucking sponsor! Stay tuned, motherfuckers!”
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Narrator: “We are still dedicated to Preventing Edgebrook’s Negligence and Irresponsible Sensationalism, but in order to properly combat his wicked ways, we must first find him. Since his biased assault against an innocent competitor on the Fallout wrestling program over two weeks ago, no one has seen Mr. Edgebrook. That’s why P.E.N.I.S. needs your mouth, to spread the word about his possible location.”
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Julius: “Welcome back to greatest Project: Honor exclusive in the history of modern media, motherfuckers! I’m as happy as a puppy with two peters to be bringing you this show from Nipples, Italy, but even these motherfuckers in Europe need to watch out for…”
Julius: “You’re damn right. It’s time to measure Fallout against Proving Ground and find out which brand gave us the best motherfucking show last week! We’ll be matching up a trio of aspects from each show and determine which of the motherfuckers was better than the other one! To start this shit off, we need to look no further than a pair of title matches. On Fallout, Dominatrix DeMarco gave us Eli Atlas against Amber Payne for The Ascension title, while Where’s Walker gave us T.J. Thompson against Euan Hill for The Warrior Rising championship!”
Julius: “Over on Fallout, shit’s been brewing around The Ascension Championship for a while now, and things were looking to come to a head when Eli met Amber in a motherfucking casket match! It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that Crash Rodriguez and Daniel Horror showed up, making this one-on-one match a free-for-all clusterfuck! At least this time, we didn’t have to worry about mad cow disease. Eli came out on top and successfully defended his title, quite possibly burying the motherfucking Fallout career of Amber in the process.”
Julius: “Meanwhile, over on Proving Ground, T.J. motherfucking Thompson was looking to defend against Euan Hill and all of his stringy fucking hair. This was a hell of a fight, but it wasn’t without its own motherfucking twists as Scott Oasis decided to get involved. Now big Scotty didn’t get physically involved, but just his motherfuckinig presence was enough to distract T.J. and give Euan the advantage. Before you could say “Big Drip Hip”, T.J. got knocked the fuck out and we had a new champion. So while both matches had their fair share of excitement, I give the edge to the show that saw a new champion crowned.”
FALLOUT - 0 PROVING GROUND - 1
Julius: “For our next round, we’re gonna look at the figureheads involved in both motherfucking programs. Since Caden Young spent his time trying not to get lost backstage and Callum Walker was as visible as a Trump at a PRIDE parade, we’re gonna focus on Rock motherfucking Johnson! Now DeMarco was all over his brand, announcing matches and giving creepy uncle pep talks, while Rock was on Proving Ground continuing to show us how much he likes to drink. Seriously, the motherfucker needs an AA sponsor, you feel me? Another thing to consider is that Rock didn’t show up on Fallout, while Fallout’s Mental Manager did his best to get into Proving Ground, only to be stopped by Paul Blart, Mall Cop. Hey, at least I give you a motherfucking A for Effort, DeMarco! Advantage, Fallout!”
FALLOUT - 1 PROVING GROUND - 1
Julius: “It’s all tied up and we’re in the bottom of the ninth, so who better to call on than your pinch hitters? While their matches may not have been similar, I think we need to look at the top champions of each motherfucking brand. On Proving Ground, Mark Hunter teamed up with my boy, Indy Darling, to take on The Commonwealth combo of Dickie and Aiden! Over on Fallout, Drago “Breaks a Motherfucker’s Fingers” Santiago had to go one-on-one with The Legacy Champ, Elena DeDraco. So which of them represented the best? Well, they both lost, so that makes it a little tougher to decide. However, there is one motherfucking factor to consider in those losses. That tricky little minx, Contessa Floran, gave Elena the unwanted assist in beating Drago, while Mark Hunter managed to lose on his own. No need for Lemmy the Lemur’s tie-breaker this week, motherfuckers!”
FALLOUT - 2 PROVING GROUND - 1
THIS WEEK'S STORM WARNING WINNER IS...
Julius: “That’s two wins in a row for Fallout, giving them a two to one lead over Proving Ground since I started this little segment! B-show my beautiful ass! Congrats, motherfuckers! Now we’re gonna take another quick break for a special look at the newest venture from a 90’s Rapper, but I’ll be right back with this week’s Fab Four and The F Grade! Stay tuned, bitches!”
***********************
“Let’s do it.”
Tone Loc: “Workin’ all week, 9 to 5 for your money, so when the weekend comes you want to get live with your honey. That’s why you deserve a special beer that appreciates you! I’m talkin’ ‘bout an IPA brewed from only the best ingredients, including all-natural honey! Introducin’ Thick Head Pale Blonde Ale! No Funky Cold Medina necessary if you’re gettin’ down with Thick Head! So when you’re at the club and you see your fly chick struttin’ out of the bathroom with a white moustache, there’s no need to trip, yo! She’s just enjoying some Thick Head!”
Tone Loc: “Thick Head. Let’s do it.”
***********************
We return to the studio to find Julius staring at the camera with a cocked eyebrow, clearly intrigued by Tone Loc’s new IPA.
Julius: “I like my Hennessey, but I wouldn’t mind getting some of that Thick Head…”
Winston: “Bambi and Candy are planning on joining me for a tour of Naples finest clubs after the show…”
Julius snaps his head to glare at his co-host.
Julius: “I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing! And for the record, it’s Nipples until I say different, motherfucker!”
Winston shifts uncomfortably in his seat as Julius holds his stare for a few more seconds. Finally, the host turns back to look at the camera and resumes smiling.
Julius: “Coming up next, it’s time for the segment you’ve all been waiting for…”
Julius: “I’m gonna share a little secret with all you fine motherfuckers. It’s getting more difficult to pick my top four every week, but somehow I’ve managed to scour both motherfucking shows and come to a decision. Not only that, but for the first time ever, one lucky motherfucker is gonna be the first person to be in my Fab Four a second time. Who had a promising week? Who's looking to make waves in the weeks ahead? Let's find out with the first deserving motherfucking on Fallout…”
Julius: “Now some of you may be questioning this pick, to which I say, make your own motherfucking list! Kasey found herself in a dark match this week, but she did win that motherfucker by beating both Zack Tyler and Kagome Akaibara. From there, she made an appearance on the main show where she was damn near felt up by creepy Christian and his Scooby-Doo villain eyes. DeMarco made it clear that he sees big things for Kasey’s future before adding her to the Ascension Title Match at Wired Consequences. Now Eli Atlas is my boy from Detroit, but “Little Miss Vex” just might be his biggest challenge in that match. No disrespect to Daniel Horror or Crash Rodriguez, but Kasey seems hungry and ready to take full advantage of this motherfucking opportunity. Plus, she’s already proven that she can beat Zack and she’s 50 shades of fine to top it all off. For being my favorite fighting redhead, Kasey Winterborn is in the Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!”
Julius: “Coming up next is James’ Raven’s better half and easily Legacy’s best looking member, Betsy Granger. “The Impossible Traveler” took out newcomer, Tyler Bradford, and she looked damn good doing it! This was Betsy’s first one-on-one match under the bright lights and in front of the cameras, and she won that motherfucker despite Bradford’s own impressive display. I think it’s clear to see that there is gold in Granger’s future, and since I’m the same motherfucker that predicted wins for Eli Atlas and Euan Hill, you can take that to the motherfucking bank! For being a badass competitor, being more than James Raven deserves, and still having the common sense to date Raven instead of Warstein, Betsy Granger’s made my Fab Four! Congrats, motherfucker!”
Julius: “This pick may have been the easiest one for me to make this week. Kayla Richards is getting some heat for being handed The Noble Championship, but it’s important to remember that she was the last member of Proving Ground left in that motherfucking Not-Quite-Wargames Match a few weeks back. This week, she rebounded after what some would call an upset loss to thirsty Jason Long by beating the man known as Finale! This was a non-title match, so Kayla could have taken it easy this week, but instead she took everything Finale could throw at her and fired back with some motherfucking shots of her own! I kinda dig Finale’s style and he gave Kayla one hell of a match, but she was not gonna be denied! The fans may have given Jason Long the shot he wanted, but he’s gonna have one hell of a time taking the gold away from Kayla Richards. I’ll never forget what she did to me at The Crowning, so I for one am thankful that she’s found a home in the motherfucking Noble Division, at least for now. For being a champion that shows up even when her gold isn’t on the line, Kayla Richards is in my Fab Four! Congratulations, motherfucker!”
Julius: “If you told me this ugly motherfucker would be the first person to make my Fab Four on two occasions, I’d have said that you’re crazier than Ozymandias on Easter Sunday! I don’t know how crazy he gets at Easter Egg Hunts, but I’m guessing it’s legit scary. Anyway, Euan Hill earned his shot at The Warrior Rising Championship back at The Crowning, and after that performance I predicted that T.J. Thompson would have a tough time fending off that motherfucking challenge. Even if there was an outside distraction in play, Euan looked damn impressive in the match and successfully got his first taste of gold in Project: Honor. Not only was that an impressive feat, but he also stopped me from having the first ever all-female Fab Four. I should turn around and put him in the F Grade for besmirching the fine faces of Kasey, Betsy, and Kayla, but instead I’ll give him the props he deserves. Congrats a second time, motherfucker!”
The graphics fade away from the screen, allowing us to see Julius still shaking his head in astonishment.
Julius: “Euan Hill, two-time Fab Four winner. What the fuck? I should give myself an F Grade for that, but I had a pretty good week so that ain’t gonna happen. I guess I could put Pyro back on there, but I already started my show by ribbing that motherfucker. There’s always Mark Hunter, but I’m starting to feel bad by how much heat he’s getting. Drago? Nah, holding his gold at the end of Fallout was good enough. Hmmm…”
Julius hangs his head and seems to be giving this week’s F Grade some serious thought, but after a few moments of quiet contemplation, he looks back at the camera and shrugs his shoulders.
Julius: “I guess a motherfucker’s got to do what a motherfucker’s got to do. Cue the graphics!”
Julius: “It was a bad fucking week to be down with the Drip. This week on Proving Ground, we saw T.J. Thompson lose his Warrior Rising Championship. We saw James Raven play with Lil’ Petey like a toddler that just discovered his wee-wee. We even saw Shawn motherfucking Warstein drain Yung Sauce of all his flavor. It pains me to do this to you motherfuckers, especially after Legacy pillaged your sound cloud, but if one sorry group of sad motherfuckers ever deserved a collective F Grade, it’s B to the Drizzle, for shizzle.”
Julius: “I feel like a motherfucking math teacher that just caught his three favorite students cheating off the dumbest kid in class, only my three favorite motherfuckers ARE the dumbest kids in class. You boys better get your shit together, put the dollars and hoes on the back burner, and get a little fucking angry. If you want to rebound and sprinkle that Big Drip magic all over Legacy, you’re gonna have to do a hell of a lot better than you did this week. So yeah, you get an F Grade, but I’m still rooting for you motherfuckers. “Furious” Julizzle Fairwizzle still has your motherfucking backs. Just don’t ever call me and ask me to prove it. Also, if you hear that I put money on Fuzz and Jimmy, it’s just a motherfucking rumor.”
Julius: “It’s time to take another break, because I need to collect myself after handing out that stern motherfucking lecture. I fucking swear, it feels like a just clubbed a baby seal. We’ll be right back with tonight’s parting words of wisdom, The F Bomb!”
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Narrator: “As the competitors and staff of Project: Honor continue their way across Europe, only one family dining establishment has stepped up to cater to their every need and desire. From all of our staff to all of yours, thank you for choosing The Greek Horn as the official catering service of Project: Honor’s European Tour.”
Narrator: “Now, as the tour nears Greece, we would like to invite all of you to visit us at home. Stop by our main location in Athens after Wired Consequences for traditional Mediterranean cuisine, served by our friendly and well-trained toga-clad staff. And don’t forget, if you enjoy your time with us, make sure to blow our horn on your way out the door.”
“The Greek Horn, now serving Thick Head Pale Blonde Ale.”
***********************
Julius: “Welcome back to The F Word, motherfuckers! I’d like to thank all of our beautiful sponsors this week, as well as all of you fine motherfuckers for tuning in! Now our time is about up, but before I ride off into the motherfucking sunset once again, allow me to leave you with a few words of wisdom with...”
Julius: “I thought about a lot of motherfucking words that start with the letter F this week, but only one really stood out. As we continue to travel across Europe on Rock Johnson’s dime, it’s important for us to remember that the letter F stands for “fun”. I know I’ve had my share of fun in these foreign motherfucking countries, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Now, with Wired Consequences on the horizon, you fine Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather have a chance to get in on the fun. You get to have your voices heard as you vote on what kind of matches our asses will be in. Are you twisted fucks gonna have fun deciding if we should get cut up by glass, barbed wire, or razor blades? Will you have fun choosing if we’ll be falling off ladders, set on fire, or battered with objects that have been banned in Guantanamo?”
Julius’ voice gets louder with every sentence, as his eyes bug out further and further from their sockets.
Julius: “Will it be fun playing God with not only our livelihoods but quite possibly our lives? I’ve got a motherfucking idea! Why don’t you sick motherfuckers have fun by watching our pain and suffering live! I know Rock Johnson will be having a grand old time in his motherfucking skybox, so why shouldn’t every motherfucker with a television have a good time of their own? Fun, motherfuckers! Are you having it yet? Cause we're having a motherfucking party up in this motherfucker!”
Julius leans forward in his chair and continues to stare at the camera as his nostrils flare and the veins in his forehead bulge. After an extended pause, it looks as if his breathing is starting to return to normal and he slowly leans back in his chair.
Julius: “Yeah, Wired Consequences and the next Proving Ground are gonna be a lot of fun, but I’m not quite done providing the fun of my own here tonight. Follow your friend Julius, cause I’ve got one more surprise in store for you motherfuckers…”
Julius rises from his desk and begins to walk toward the entrance stage, leaving Winston and the Swallows Twins behind. When he reaches the right side of the stage, we see that an electric guitar and amp have been set up. Without explanation, Julius hangs the strap of the guitar over his shoulder and leans on the stool that has been provided for him.
Julius: “Yeah, I play the motherfucking piano, but not all chicks are into the classical shit. So I shred a few riffs from time to time. Now before I play you out with a special song, just remember that no matter how much fun you’re having at my expense, you’ve still got a motherfucking friend in me. Until next time, my motherfuckers.”
The audience cheers as the camera slowly begins to pull back. Moments later, the lights dim until a single spotlight shines upon Julius and his guitar. As promised, The Shepherd closes another edition of The F Word with his very own guitar solo.
If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:
J. Fairweather
1469 Jackson Rd.
Indianapolis, Indiana 46201
And if you have any complaints, feel free to forward them up your ass, cause Julius don’t give a fuck.
