| Old Jokes - New Beginnings | ~ALICE'S DEBUT PARTY~

The scene opens on a wide shot of a bed where a man and a woman are in the middle of having sex. We see above the butt crack is the words 'FERGIE' tattooed there. Making this man have to be Alice's friend and form arch nemesis 'Ferguson'. He got the tattoo when he lost the bet on what would attract more flies, a pile of dog doo turds or Oscar Nominee Mickey Rourke. Long story short... Ferguson picked the dog shit. He lost.



Anyway, back to the sex in Ferguson's hotel room. In the missionary position on his lady he begins coughing repeatedly just as his phone rings. He answers, still inside his woman.



Ferguson: *Cough* Hello? *Cough*



It does a split screen revealing Alice on the other end of the phone blowing up balloons until she hears Ferguson's voice.



Alice: Hey, Fergie! You coming to my debut Fallout Pay Per View party? Huge match with Martha Atlas in my Project Honor debut. I'm super excited! I mean it's only a dark match... but hey, we all have to start somewhere, right? You are coming right?



Ferguson: OH YEAH! OH YEAH!!!



Alice: Thanks, Ferguson. See you there, pal...






Alice swipes her phone.



Ferguson: Sorry, what was that, Alice? Sorry girl, i was pleasuring the hell out of my babe and... hello? What did you want? Hello?



Ferguson has another coughing fit as he hangs up the phone.



Alice looks through her phone numbers in an old school rolodex. She finds a card that says LEGACY in black marker written on it. Marked out is Carlos' Pizzeria. She smiles and holds the card close to her chest. She dials the number. It rings as she blows up another balloon.



We cut to an outside shot of the Carlos' Pizzeria restaurant. In side we see the pizza owner, presumably 'Carlos' is making sweet love to a woman also. With only a blanket covering him and his lady... as they have intercourse in the pizza oven (turned off). Carlos grabs the phone.



Carlos: Hello, who is this?



Alice: Hi, this is the phone number for LEGACY, right? That sexy voice of yours sounds like Miss Granger. Soooo... I was hoping that you Betsy Granger, Shawn Warstein and James Raven can make it to my Fallout debut party? Got this huge match with little miss crazy Martha Atlas and I could use your guys support...



Carlos: OW! OW! DAMN, GIRL, SLOW DOWN! I KNOW YOU WANTED EXTRA SAUSUAGE BUT HOT DAMN, MY PECKER ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!! OW!!!!



Alice: Awesome. Thanks Betsy! See you three there! Take care... toodles!



Alice obliviously swipes her phone off. As Carlos shrugs going back to his lady.



Alice smiles putting the pizza card back in her rolodex phone book list. Alice pulls out another card nodding as she punches in the numbers.



Alice:... now for the main event!



We cut to Val Kilmer's home where he too is making love to a woman in his monster sized bed. The phone rings as he sighs. He picks up the phone.



Val Kilmer: Go for Val!



Alice: Hi! Val Kilmer! Is it you? It's been such a long time, you know? Man, I loved you in The Snowman. Say what you will about the movie, pure shit if you ask me... but you were terrific. You wanna come to my party?



Val Kilmer(angrily): What? Look, I don't even know who you even are. So far, I don't like you little girl. I don't like the way your mustache is making a scratching noise over the phone, Miss. I don't like the way you interrupted me boning my woman. And I also don't like the way you didn't say anything sexy when you called, which you should have done as a courtesy in case you were interrupting me boning my woman and needed to help me finish. And finally I sure as hell don't like those Curly French Fries that everyone keeps trying to tell me are better than original shoe string French Fries... So please Don't ever call here again, you piece of shit waste of human life! Also... what time is the party?



Alice: Thanks Mr. Kilmer! Can't wait to see you there!



Val hangs up the phone but just before he can continue to make love to his woman the phone rings again. An irate Val hops out of bed and answers the phone pissed off.



Val Kilmer: GO FOR VAL!?!?!



We do a split screen where we see Oscar Nominee Mickey Rourke on the other line, shirtless, sweaty in a dark room,. Covered in flies...



Mickey Rourke: Hey, Val.. I'm, uh, taking your panties off with my teeth and they're real, real, real greasy--



Val sighing.



Val Kilmer: Not now, Mickey. I mean I appreciate the courtesy of you trying to sound sexy... but the moment is ruined... it's ruined!

The Night Owl, Alice Knight got some of her celebrity fame from a few things over the years. From brawling in the ring with some of the top wrestlers, her love of animals (especially owls and oddly ants) and yes, her home made mustard. While her owlies (Alice's fan base) bought the mustard items like hot cakes off the shelves. But there was a problem. It was the fault of many people getting ill. It was considered as poisonous as toxic waste. So in the weapons on a pole match, if the toxic mustard glass jar is used on poor Atlas' head. The shattered jar may cause brain damage... and if that doesn't do it... well the mustard fumes certainly will.

She likes to hear her victims scream said her sexy of a hunk Dr. Gallagher (he is so sexy for a quack). So let's not forget the psycho Miss Atlas could grab the wire and cause some serious danger to our hero Alice Knight. For a DARK MATCH on Wired Consequences, this could be one of the top matches on the show. Or non-show. Get ready to see blood, sweat, tears and yes, mustard folks.

Gloria Estefan's GET ON YOUR FEET (on loop) is playing as we enter Alice's home. Balloons and streamers everywhere. It appears only 7 people actually showed up to the party. With exception of the LEGACY members, who is not there. But Alice doesn't seem to care as she dances to the music.



Alice: Wow, what a turn out to my Project Honor Fallout Debut Party! Wow, that's a mouthful! And I have had my mouth filled with a lot of things. From regular mustard to spicy mustard... to other kinds of mustard. Anyway, some LEGACY members are a little late, but that's ok. It happens. Not even thinking about it. Nope. Didn't cross my mind at all. But when I face Martha at the first FALLOUT pay per view, even if it is a Dark Match. But I am totally stoked for by the way. And after I win, cover that whackadoo in mustard with a concussion... I will move on to better things within the company. Can't wait... can't freakin' wait.



Ferguson: HERE! HERE! HAR HAR!



Alice throws a balloon at Ferguson.



Alice: SHUT! UP! FERGIE! You're going to embarrass me in front of the party goers. Anyway, may you all introduce yourself in a second so that we can get to know each other. I like to call this the talking Balloon.



Alice bursts out into laughter as she holds up another balloon, this one green.



Alice(laughing) HAHA! BUT NOT A REAL TALKING BALLOON! Man! imagine a REAL talking balloon. How it's voice would be so high and squeaky! HAHHAHA!



Alice laughs as everybody looks at her awkwardly. Alice clears her throat.



Alice: Okay... I'll start. I am Alice Knight. The Night Owl. -hashtag- OWL is NIGHT! I am a pro wrestler by night and by day i am a sleep monster. IF YOU GOT SLEEP I'll GOBBLE IT UP LIKE MUSTARD! HOOT!



Everybody looks around confused.



Alice: That's kind of my catchphrase. Hoot. Anyway... who are you mister?



She hands the balloon to Carlos the pizza Owner.



Carlos: Hey! I am Carlos. I got an invite here because this lady hostess is a nut job and got my number mixed up with LEGACY members... I love project honor. Never seen a Fallout episode 'yet' but i look forward to seeing nutty mc' Alice's debut match against, Martha is it? The whole Wired Consequences Pay Per View should be wild too...



He hands the balloon to the woman next to him.



Woman: I am Mrs. Deloris DeSolsa. I am Carlos' cheating wife...



Deloris hands the balloon to the person next to her.



Man: I am Sgt. R.K. Witherspoon. Carlos' bitter military rival!



Hands the balloon to the tall man next to him.



Man #2: I am Mr. Carlos' butler, Jeeves.



He hands the balloon to Val Kilmer



Val Kilmer: Um, I was once Batman. Doc Holiday. The Saint. And Jim Morrison. Val Kilmer.



He winks and smiles as most everybody looks around confused, shrugging at one another. Ferguson steals the balloon from Kilmer.



Ferguson: And I am Ferguson, just some dude looking to get my swerve on!



Alice throws another balloon at Ferguson.



Alice: STOP IT, FERGUSON! STOP! IT! So anyway, let's get to my match with Martha. Then I will open my presents. I assume many of you have them in your car since none of you carried any in to the house. No biggie. Martha signed right after me in Project Honor, and I bet she thinks she's really cool. Trying to steal my thunder. Probably having, what she assumes is the better Debut Party at her place. Which I assume is a mental institution. Loser. Will she have Gloria Estefan playing at hers? Doubt it. Balloons everywhere? Nope. A shrimp ring that cost me 9.99 at WalMart? No. She won't. Anyway, I will show her up IN THE RING! In this weird weapon on a pole match. She is about to get her skull cracked with a Jar of Mustard! Because she is going to face a fierce and angry Alice Knight at Wired Consequences. Not the lovable, adorable, quirky and happy Alice. No! I need to make my point clear. That Alice Knight is here for the good of wrestling, for the good of the company, for the good of the fans, and let's be honest for the good of mankind. I don't even plan on getting too drunk tonight either. Just gonna have a few vodka shotty-shots and a some wine coolers. Because I'm hitting the gym all week to get ready for this whacko chick. Plus did I mention it's going to be in Greece too? Isn't that messed up! I don't think they even have mustard there... or barbed wire. Or Gloria Estefan... different world, man.



Alice nods as if she made a important point. She didn't. She quickly rubs her hands together in excitement.



Alice: Okay, the first gift for me... Val, let's start with you. I hope YOU have all people brought TWO gifts, eh? Haha



Val Kilmer: Look, Alice. I'm all for supporting you in your match with Martha Atlas. You got my 100% support. But i didn't know there was suppose to be gifts. So I didn't bring any gifts.



Alice: But two gift minus nothing equals... nothing? Zero? Wait, where does the two go? WHERE DOES THE NUMBER TWO GO!?!?! I was never good at math...



Suddenly we see Ferguson hold his stomach in pain as the sounds from his gut of rumbling and farts as diarrhea works his way through his system.



Ferguson: OOF! I know where the number two goes... OUT OF THE WAY I NEED TO SHIT!



Alice leans into Val's ear speaking to him quietly as Ferguson runs to the washroom.



Alice: Look Val, I figured it out. I know what you and Ferguson got for me gift wise ...



Val Kilmer: Um... I've never met Ferguson before in my life... Alice are you drunk?



Alice: I was last night... and also right now. But suuuuuure. I got it. Figured it all out. See how he ran to the toilet? He's gotta a little something up his ass... Plastic bag full of tickets to Canada's Wonderland? Right? And those bag tickets are hidden in a secret compartment inside a dildo... how else did he get the tickets up there in the first place if it wasn't in a dildo? After my victory over Martha... the tickets to Toronto and Wonderland will be my after party surprise.



Val Kilmer: Um...



Alice: Trust me, I can spot these things a hundred million miles away. One time, in the mid 2000's I went and saw Justin Timberlake live. He comes out on stage, the size of my finger nail, that's how far away he was, but i took one look at him and said to myself "This guy has a dildo up in his ass." Sure enough after the live performance I was thrown out of the arena by security trying to give Justin, JT a gift dildo backstage. Why... why would he turn down a dildo unless he already had one up his asshole?



Alice nods as Val Kilmer looks disgusted.

THE LIGHTS GO OUT!

Sounds of glass shattering can be heard.

THE LIGHTS TURN BACK ON!

Everybody can be seen standing around Carlos' presumed dead body. They all scream in fear.



Val Kilmer: OH MY GOD! HOLY SHIT! SOMEBODY JUST KILLED THE PIZZA GUY, CARLOS!!!



Alice: NO! Wait... this guy has a dildo up his ass... i can tell!



Alice jumps down to her knees and reaches down to pat around Carlos' ass.



Alice: Oh! Never mind! False alarm, gang. It's not a dildo, peeps. He shit his pants when he died, and the shit log shape of his turd is the dildo-shaped bulge I was referring to....



The panic finally hits Alice as she stands up scared.



Alice: OH MY GOD! I am in so much trouble... not just with the cops. Which is kind of a big deal. But if Project Honor finds out a dead body was found at my debut party. I will be kicked out of the company. Possibly never getting to beat Martha in the ring with mustard either... and ... and...



Val Kilmer: Shouldn't we call an ambulance? Or the cops? Or some kind of help...?



Alice: No cops! Not on this one, Val! Plus, maybe one of us here did this? But which one... I'm not a very good detective, I mean i can read and write well but i did once play Al Pacino's HEAT cop character in a stage play in high school.



Val Kilmer: Hey, I was in that movie!



Alice: Huh? I don't think so... but seriously. Let's see...



Alice approaches the wife, butler and the military rival of Carlos.



Alice: So isn't it funny that three of you are here. Not only to ruin my party it seems but also to kill Mr. Carlos. Hmmm? I wonder why?



Alice walks back and forth scratching her chin.



Alice: Why? Do you work for Martha? Maybe some of you ACTUALLY work at the mental home she stays at? Do you have some interest in this match at Wired Consequences?? Hmmm? Maybe you were hired by Martha herself to take me out... Huh? Or even her doctor. I can put ALL of this together like it was some weird puzzle or... a Christopher Nolan movie... it might not all go together clearly, and not make sense to me in anyway. But I find a way to figure it out on my own terms or pretend I understood the movie Tenet at parties. But the fact is... you three are involved to ruin my life. And killed what's his name to do so... For what? I ask you? What for? To let Martha get a cheap win over the Owl? Hmm? What did she promise you? Maybe Mrs. Deloris... was a lesbian lover to Martha. And maybe you Mr. Army man are actually her father, trying to save your little girl from a beating at the Fallout pay per view from me? But pardon the cliche, but I'm pretty damn sure the BUTLER DID IT!?! I knew it! A jealous lover, perhaps? An obsession with the Night Owl, huh? Wanted to make vagina sex to me? Huh? You want to rape me, don't you Jeeves? Huh? Did Dr. Gallagher and Martha send you here to do disgusting things to me? Huh? HUHHHH??



Alice gets up close to the butlers face. She licks her lips making eye contact with him.



Alice: You ... love me? Do you, butler? You do... you're so pathetic... but... there is a strange attraction isn't there between us? What is happening?



Alice lays her head on his chest. And puts his hands on her butt and she grabs his ass while feeling around.



Butler: Do you feel my hard on?



Alice: Is... this it?



Butler: No.. that's my asshole.



Alice: Eww... A dildo?



The butler shrugs. As Alice puts her hands up and slowly backs away. As she backs up she bumps into Carlos, who is standing up rubbing his head. Alice screams.



Alice: AHHH A ZOMBIE! KILL IT!!



Carlos: I just fell down as the lights flickered. I'm good. I'm okay...



Alice: Oh... good... That's good. Sorry everybody... sorry. That's on me! My bad...



Suddenly Ferguson enters the room not wearing any pants.



Ferguson: Don't worry everyone, I may have crapped my pants. So does anyone have an extra pair of pants? It's okay if they have doo-doo on the front of the pants. I will just cut them in half, and cut mine in half, and sew the two CLEAN halves together to make a doo-doo-free pair of pants...



Everybody looks at him confused... very confused.



Ferguson: So you are telling me not a one of you has a spare pants with doo-doo on the back on ALL of your pants? I hate you guys!



Alice: CLASSIC Ferguson!



They all burst into laughter as Gloria Estefan's 'GET ON YOUR FEET' plays as everyone begins dancing. The butler puts out his hand to Alice as she takes it and her and the butler slow dance to the upbeat song. Val Kilmer approaches the shrimp ring. He dips one in the sauce. Which turns out to be spicy mustard. Choking Val. He collapses on the floor with his leg shaking.



Ferguson: Alice... I think Val Kilmer just died?



Alice slow dancing with the butler.



Alice: Oh? Um, do me a favor and drag him out to the dumpster so no one can tell he was here? Thanks Ferguson... i owe you one, bud!



Ferguson grabs Val by the leg and pulls him off screen as the party guests continue to dance.






Mean while.






We see a garbage truck pulling up to a dumpster near Alice's house. The garbage man number one walks to the dumpster to get the trash bags as the driver waits. A scream can be heard from the first garbage man.



Driver: What? What is it?



Garbage Man: There's a dead body in here? I think... I think it's Val Kilmer?



Driver: Who?



Garbage Man: He was in Top Secret? Had some weight issues? Mostly a direct to DVD kind of guy now... but he was Batman once...



Driver: Doesn't ring a bell... what should we do? Puuuuffff. You can really smell it. Smell that shit in his pants too...



Garbage Man: There's only one way to fix this... kill George Clooney, Michael Keaton and Christian Bale. To restore balance to the world...



Dramatic music plays.



Driver: Damn... how we going to do that?



Garbage Man: How am I supposed to know? We're just garbage men... dump'em in.



The garbage truck slowly brings up the dumpster and dumps it into the truck before bringing it back to the cement. As the garbage truck drives away we see a close up on the bags as Val's shaky hand pops up from within the trash.