Post by ttthet on Mar 10, 2021 16:10:06 GMT -5
Our scene starts in the parking lot at Proving Ground XI. The show is over, and TJ Thompson is heading towards the world famous DRIPMOBILE where Sauce and Petey are waiting in the limo. TJ rubs his eyes, still feeling the effects of the tear gas that Mark Hunter sprayed at his face earlier on in the night.
TJ: Fuck, all I want to do is go home! I pulled up all the way here to not even wrestle! I got gassed like it's WW3 out here. My Yeezy’s got dunked in acid or something. AND NOW I HAVE TO WALK ACROSS THIS BIGASS PARKING LOT?!? Who's idea was it to park so far away? I bet it was Petey. Something about giving his monkey a walk.
TJ continues on but stops when a black windowless van pulls up beside him. The door opens and a pair of robe wearing men come out.
TJ: Oh hi! You guys want an autograph or something? Nice robes, by the way. Very goth. Inspired by Daniel Horror, maybe?
The two men ignore his words and grab him. One covers his mouth with a towel while the other shoves him into the open van.
TJ: OH FUCK OFF, THAT'S LIKE THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK, WHY DOES THIS SHIT KEEP HAPPENING TO ME- MFFFFF!
TJ gets shoved into the van and the door closes. Another black robed man inside whacks him with a crowbar and knocks him out. The third man ties him up, while the two men outside join him. The three take off their robes and exchange high fives. One turns on a light to reveal a sign in the van that reads "Femur Gang Official Whip".
Gang Member #1: We got him! We did it, guys! I'm officially 1-0 on kidnappings in 2021! Look at this scrub. Is this the guy that needs to be taken out? The hip guy? He looks like some average Joe! I was expecting some mafia boss looking dude.
Gang Leader: Yeah...I'm like...82% sure we got the right guy. Just trust me. Worst case scenario we just dump him at the side of the road. It’s not like anyone will miss him, right? Now let’s get going. We got some work to do!
Gang Member #2: Can we get ice cream on the way?
Gang Leader: I SAID WE GOT SOME WORK TO DO!!!
Gang Member #3: But ice cream could help us work faster!
Gang Leader: Fine.
Gang Members #1 and #2: Yay!
TJ: Hey, can I get ice cream too?
TJ gets knocked back out by the second gang member with the crowbar as the van drives off. The camera pans over to the DRIPMOBILE where Sauce and Petey are waiting.
Sauce: What’s taking him so long? It doesn’t take that long to shower when you haven’t even broken a sweat! I got hoes waiting for me back at the Hip House! I got things to do!
Petey: HOES?!? Aren’t you too young to be doing that type of stuff? I’m sure the FBI would be very interested to hear about that…
Sauce: Ayo, don’t snitch! Let a brotha live his life in peace! I ain’t hurting anyone! Let’s just get outta here, bro. TJ will catch up later. I got my drip to replace! Airpods don’t buy themselves!
Petey: Shit, you got a point there. Today was a day of great loss. Legacy will pay for all their crimes against humanity! And...we gotta...rerecord all our music…
Petey bursts into tears and Sauce goes to console him. The black van drives by the DRIPMOBILE, but Sauce and Petey are too distracted to notice it. The scene switches to a montage of the van driving through various climates, taking a quick stop at a Dairy Queen on the way to their location. The van stops at an Arby’s franchise. The three kidnappers put their robes back on and drag TJ out. One picks him up and carries him inside. TJ shakes his head and wakes up as the door closes.
TJ: Hey, Arby’s! I didn’t know they had ice cream at Arby’s! What flavours are y’all getting? Wait. Oh. Oh shit. HELP!!! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED AGAIN!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! I don’t even know who these guys are! Normally the people who kidnap me are my mortal enemies!
Gang Member #3: Chill! We won't hurt you! We just need to do some...uh...totally painless brainwashing! Don't resist!
TJ: You literally beat me with a crowbar!
Gang Member #3: Oh yeah. It was for your own good.
TJ tries to fight out of the second Femur Gang Member's grasp but can't do much since his hands and legs are tied. He gets carried into a back room and into an elevator. The elevator goes deep underground, opening up to reveal a room filled with other black robed men standing around a giant femur, a curtain, and some sort of glass contraption.
TJ: Damn, are ALL Arby's like this? Someone's gotta do something! This has to violate some health and safety guidelines or some shit. Oh no. Now I recognize these guys. NOOOO!!! YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE!!! I don't even know what a femur is!
Gang Leader: So we meet again, hip boy!
TJ: IT'S HIP MAN!!!
Gang Leader: Whatever. I told you it wasn't over!!! And now you're going to pay for your crimes against humanity!
TJ: What crimes?
Gang Member #1: We're dealing with a CRIMINAL?!? That wasn't in the deal! I fear for my safety!
Gang Leader: Shut up. There's no crimes. I'm just making shit up. It's called being evil. Just shut up. Fine. There were no crimes against humanity YET!!! But what's stopping him from committing crimes against humanity in the FUTURE?!? I'm doing the world a favour here.
The robed men all nod in agreement.
TJ: I'm a law abiding citizen! Sure, there might be a conflict here and there, but most of the time it's only 75% my fault! THAT'S LESS THAN 76%, YOU FIEND!!! What's your REAL motive?!?
Gang Leader: You mean you don't know?!? Do you not remember anything? Do you have the memory of a goddamn GOLDFISH?!?
TJ: Possibly.
Gang Leader: WE'RE HERE TO REPRESENT THE MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED BODY PART IN THE WORLD!!! YOU GOT YOUR SHITTY HIP!!! HIP HIP HIP ALL THE TIME!!! Who the fuck cares about hips?!? WHAT DOES IT DO FOR US?!? But nobody talks about femurs!!! It does so much for the people but it's never acknowledged! It's all about the hip, and I'm SICK of it!!!
TJ: Well you see...it's not really about the body part itse-
Gang Leader: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR LIES!!! I've heard all the excuses. All the words. BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR ACTION AGAINST HIP!!!
All the robed gangsters applaud and hoot as TJ looks confused.
TJ: So...you're gonna kidnap everyone on earth and surgically remove their HIPS?!? That's crazy! I'm pretty sure we need them to live or something. I don't know. I'm not an expert, despite what people think of me...but what I'm trying to say is that you gotta chill! You can't be kidnapping people like this!
Gang Leader: Well. No. But that's a great idea! SOMEONE WRITE THAT DOWN!!!
TJ: NOOOOO!!! I regret being born.
Gang Leader: I also regret you being born. But back to your other point THAT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR!!! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!! You're not the first hip lover I've kidnapped!!! And you're about to meet the same fate they did! Fuck hip. All my homies hate hip.
TJ: I'm pretty sure you don't have that many homies…
Gang Leader: Shut up. Anyways, soon we'll never have to hear it again!!! FEMURS ARE ABOUT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, HIP BOY!!!
TJ: Bruh. I'm tired of this shit. It's been a long day. A LONG DAY!!! AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR HIP SLANDERING ASS!!! I don't have anything against femurs. I don't really know what the fuck a femur is. I've just had my Gucci flip flops burned in a dumpster fire. I just got a briefcase full of tear gas right to the eyeballs. YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCK WITH ME TODAY!!! THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL MAKE MY LIFE ANY MORE MISERABLE!!! TRY ME, BITCH!!!
Gang Leader: A bad day?!? A BAD DAY?!? MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN ONE BIG BAD DAY BECAUSE I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR CREATION!!! Hip this! Hip that! I'm TIRED of it! But let me make your bad day even worse. Show him, boys!
The curtain is pulled back to reveal a woman in a blue robe standing behind it. She has a glazed expression on her face.
Gang Leader: Say, young lady. What do you say before your favorite wrestling show? Any...specific phrase?
Robe Lady: Proving Ground...femur!
TJ: NOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU SICK MONSTER!!! WHYYYYY?!?
The femur gang whoops and cheers at TJ's misery.
Gang Leader: Muahahahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HOW DOES IT FEEL?!? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HEAR THE WORD FEMUR WHERE HIP SHOULD BE?!?
TJ: NOOOOO!!! I'm gonna be honest with ya, chief. This should be a crime. This should be ILLEGAL!!! I'm pretty sure it IS illegal! How do these thoughts come out of your evil brain?!? What type of sicko thinks up this shit?!? I've been in the ring with some weird guys. Some evil guys. BUT THIS IS A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF EVIL!!! AND I JUST GOT MY DRIP THROWN OFF A CLIFF!!!
Gang Leader: That's the point, dumbass. I'm evil. This is what evil people do.
Gang Member #2: But I thought we were trying to spread the good word of our lord and saviour the femur? The best body part!
Gang Leader: Uh...that too. That's definitely a factor. But so is evil. I'm trying to be dramatic here. CAN'T YOU PEOPLE LET ME DO MY SPEECH IN PEACE?!?
The femur gang murmurs amongst themselves as he continues.
Gang Leader: Anyways, YOU HAD THIS COMING!!! I hope you feel pain!!! More pain than you've ever felt in your sad little wrestling career! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!!! WE'RE NOT DONE YET, HIP BOY!!!
TJ: WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN THIS?!?
Gang Leader: You mean...you don’t know? I think it’s pretty obvious. Damn, this guy really is an idiot. You see this?!? This former lover of hip turned into one of us?!? WELL IT’S TIME TO GET USED TO THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO JOIN HER!!!
TJ: Oh. NOOOOOOO!!! I’d RATHER DIE!!! KILL ME INSTEAD!!!
Gang Leader: Nah. Maybe later, though! But for now, we need you to do what you’ve been doing for your entire sad life! After we brainwash your dumb ass, you’re gonna be doing my job for me! You’re all about hip this, hip that, but soon you’re gonna get the world on femurs!
The leader points at the glass contraption dramatically.
TJ: Listen. I’m sure you’re a reasonable guy. Well...not really, but just listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!!! We can have a peaceful resolution to all of this! Nobody has to get hurt! Nobody has to get brainwashed. You know who I am! I have a lot of money and drip at home! Well...I used to. But I can still hook you up! But for that to happen, I’m gonna need to walk out of here. Preferably with all my limbs where they’re supposed to be.
Gang Leader: I’VE GONE TOO FAR TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT NOW!!! I don’t need your drip. I’m not taking any bribes! I ONLY WANT ONE THING AND THAT’S FEMUR RESPECT!!! Am I right, boys!
Gang Member #1: I mean...that’s not ALL I want. Didn’t you promise us dental coverage a month ago?
Gang Member #3: Yeah, and you were saying something about a mini-fridge in the break room!
Gang Leader: WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT LATER!!! WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE JUST AGREE WITH EVERYTHING I SAY!!!
The femur gang grumbles.
Gang Leader: Anyways...no more talking! Get him!
The femur gang descends on TJ.
TJ: WAIT!!! Listen. You want dental coverage?!? I gotchu! I’m here! I can get you what you need! You should really leave this guy. I know you’re all about the femurs and shit, but is it really worth all this senseless violence?!?
Gang Leader: OF COURSE IT IS!!!
Gang Member #1: Hold on, guys...he’s kinda got a point! Well not really, but I want some of that dental coverage! Femurs are cool and all, but dental work is expensive!
Gang Member #2: Yeah! This guy doesn’t even pay us enough!
Gang Leader: BUT WHAT ABOUT FEMUR WORLD DOMINATION!?!
Gang Member #3: Ehh. I’d rather have the dental plan! Let’s go, fellas.
The entire femur gang walks out, leaving TJ alone with the brainwashed woman and the former femur gang leader.
Gang Leader: WHAT THE FUCK?!? Fine. FINE!!! I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!
The gang leader lunges towards TJ but is shoved into the brainwashing machine. TJ slams the door and shoves the giant femur bone on top of it, trapping him.
TJ: Finally. When will people learn to stop fucking with your boy, am I right?
The brainwashed woman stares blankly back at TJ as he jokes.
TJ: Huh.
Gang Leader: THIS ISN’T OVER HIP BOY!!! FEMURS WILL GET THE RECOGNITION THEY DESERVE ONE DAY!!!
TJ: Uhhh….nah. I’m not feeling it after you kidnapped me. Not cool. I’d brainwash you into a hip lover or something, but I don’t know how this thing works. Which only means one thing! It’s time to press buttons until something happens!
Gang Leader: NOOOOO!!!
TJ button mashes until the brainwashing machine lights up and the femur gang leader screeches. When the light disappears, the machine is empty.
TJ: Oh. That wasn’t brainwashing. Well how am I supposed to get home now? Whatever. I’ll hitchhike or something. You coming?
The brainwashed woman continues to stare blankly at TJ.
TJ: Uhh...I’ll send someone later.
TJ awkwardly backs out of the basement, leaving the woman alone. The scene fades to black as TJ runs out of the Arby’s to freedom.
-------------------------------------------------
Well shit. That wasn’t cool at all, but it could’ve been worse! They could’ve murdered Gerald or something! They could’ve burned down the Hip House! But nah, all they did was destroy some clothes and tech. And...deleted all our music too. Okay. That one was pretty bad. BUT WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE!!! My boys Sauce and Petey are about to take those tag titles home for Big Drip, and the only thing Legacy will have going for them will be that real life cyberbullying they did. But damn. Maybe it's time to invest in some security for the house! I thought a giraffe that spits would be enough, but I guess not! Maybe we should train Petey's monkey to shoot a gun or something. Too far? Maybe it can shoot bananas instead. Bananas that explode. We don't feel the need to stoop to those levels! If we did, their family would be hanging over an active volcano, so they're lucky! We get our shit done inside the RING!!! But to be honest, I think they know that. It's good that they got the memo. Not everyone does. But damn, they gotta take their beating! People are out here calling ME a coward, but those hoes couldn't even face us in the ring! They had to provoke us into some property destruction induced brawl to get anything close to a dub! They know they don't stand a chance in an actual match. They know that ass would've been beaten in SECONDS!!! And to be honest, that ass had a decent beating anyways, if you don't count the beginning, middle and end! They might have won that singular battle, but we all know that it doesn't count. It's not even on any of our records! The match didn't even start! But we'll all have the mental trauma that was the last Proving Ground. We have the memory of all our stuff being destroyed. And they have the memory of being too pussy to fight us in the ring! Not really a fair trade. They obviously had it worse, but it's fine. They'll only get more trauma when the homies are done with them.
This clearly wasn't our fault, too! We're out here just vibing. We chilling. We never hurt anyone most of the time. But people go out of their way to make our lives worse! After all we've done for humanity, this is what we get in return! After that offensive act, good old Euan and Legacy should have all their shit taken away! The titles, the contendership, all that shit. They don't deserve it! But you know who deserves it?!? Big Drip. That's right. Project Honour should make me the number one contender for my own title. Take that shit away from the Hill Hick. I know some of you are saying that doesn't make sense. But that shows you how uneducated you people are! How am I going to wrestle myself, you ask? Well I can't. Trust me. I've tried many times and most of the time it doesn't work. So the real thing to do is to just make me a two-time champion so I can move on to other challengers! I think that works the best for everyone. Especially me. And that's what matters the most, right?
But unfortunately, that's not going to be happening. What a tragedy. Instead, I'm facing off against the guy I made my personal bitch TWICE!!! All because he won some bummy number one contender's match back at The Crowning against some amateur bums whose names don't matter. Really. You'd think they'd at least give the guy a challenge if they want to have him face me so badly, but I guess not! BECAUSE THE GUY CAN ONLY BEAT BUMS THAT DON'T FUCKING MATTER!!! Oof. I got a little heated there. Whatever. What I'm trying to say here is that this hoe doesn't matter either. He's a bum that beat a bunch of bummier bums. Sure, he might have looked good in said match, but I think that says more about the quality of his opponents than his actual wrestling talent! Which is low. Very low. Some people are calling this thing a future squash in Euan's favor which is just pure cap. I haven't seen anything more false other than when that dumbass Edgebrook predicted PAT to beat me. PAT?!? HUH?!? I've learned to not trust anything people say about me unless it's something good. If it's good, then it's obviously true. It's simple science. So when bums that don't know anything about wrestling say that Euan Hill will destroy me, I close my ears. But I don't blame them. If I lost a few brain cells, I'd probably be agreeing with them! Take a look at the man. He's a thicc boi. He might need to lay off the flaming hot cheetos a little bit, but he could probably beat up your childhood hero. But people only look at the outside! They don't know that his record is pure shit on a stick. They don't know that he scored in the negative on an IQ test. If they knew that, they probably wouldn't put him over a preschool teacher!
The guy isn't very bright. For one thing, he thinks that he's some saint because he makes his own clothes. Good for him. At least he has something to fall back on if this whole wrestling thing doesn't work out for him. I think he's too focused on the fancy clothes to realize that we could beat that ass IF WE HAD A MATCH THAT DIDN'T FALL THROUGH BECAUSE OF UNCALLED FOR PROPERTY DESTRUCTION!!! I think he's jealous. You think he's jealous? Could be. He can talk all he wants about his handmade threads or whatever, but that doesn't change that he looks like some homeless guy picked off the street. Is it that hard to brush your hair once in a while? He talks about me and the boys being weaklings like HE CAN'T WIN A MATCH AGAINST ANYONE WITH CREDIBILITY!!! And no, that doesn't count your next door neighbor, Euan. Nice try.
Because that's all he is! Talk and cap. Because of his size, I thought it would be the opposite, but based on his record I guess that's all he can do. I gave the title of king of cap to a bum named Alex Slayer. I was thinking of giving him the title, but Alex really deserves it more. Which only means one thing. I’m gonna have to bestow Euan a new title to represent his stupidity since he can't get a more prestigious title on his own! I declare that Euan Hill is...uh…the Duke...of Dumbassery! That’s right. No need to thank me. Because everything that comes out of his mouth is cap. Plain and simple. But hey, real ones that know me already know that this is an easy dub. I’m undefeated in singles matches and guess what this is! It’s a singles match, the last time I checked. I’m undefeated in matches for this title, and you know what this is? A match for the title! Light work. I got this easily, and nobody can tell me different!
But I think it’s time to address the man himself. The big chunky boi that’s been put in front of me for like the third time. Some people might think that the man is in my head after that sneak attack. But who got the last laugh in that one, Euan?!? Come on, bro. If you’re going to jump me from behind, at least commit to the jumping part! Beat me up with passion, not that pussy shit! Really, you had everything on your side and you STILL managed to fuck it up! I’m not surprised. You had me in shambles after all my stuff got destroyed which was a good start. BUT THEN YOU LOSE A DEPRESSED MAN UNDER A TABLE?!? AND THEN YOU LET HIM BEAT YOUR ASS AFTERWARDS?!? Come on, bruh. If I was like seven feet tall with the element of surprise, I’D JUST START SWINGING!!! Did you think of that? Did it pop up in your mind to not bother with all that table shit?!? I don’t know, man. Legacy might have gotten the jump on the homies, but at least I got the last word in our little fight. Jeez, you suck. All that, to get your bread sliced at the end of it. But I’m sure you’re gonna say that it was all because of Lance helping me like it wasn’t a four on four fight. Fine. Maybe that’s slightly valid since you have no friends. But you’re talking about my reign like it was nothing. You’re saying that the path I’ve been on was full of jobbers like YOU WEREN’T THE FIRST OBSTACLE ON THE PATH!!! Goddamn! I won this strap in a four way back at Unbreakable Resolution. Who ate the pin?!? WHO ATE IT, EUAN?!? IT WAS YOUR BUM ASS!!! Man, talking about all the people I’ve beaten like they’re toddlers like I HAVEN’T BEATEN YOU BEFORE!!! Man, you had both Alex Slayer and Daniel Horror in that thing, but YOU were still the one that got pinned! Seriously? Come on, bruh. You had some of those paper dudes you were talking about in our first meeting, but I guess they weren’t paper enough to make up for your pure shittiness. Trust me, the first time already happened. You had your chance to cave my skull in or whatever and you failed with as much grace as...Euan Hill. But sure, let’s say that the last Proving Ground was the first time...oh wait, never mind. Fine. This is the REAL first time. Shit only matters when there’s a title on the line, right? Or maybe...when it’s your second chance at getting a title? Sure, let’s say that. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but everything points to you failing again! Don’t shoot the messenger, my guy. I’m just delivering the facts.
By now, I think it should be known that the man can’t do anything right! Sure, he might be a bit chunky. There are a lot of big guys on the roster and not all of them are good at wrestling! Pat was big. He sucks! Euan is also big and I think we’ve seen enough from that guy already! Two times, the guy has had a crack at me, and at the end of both our fights, he was the one lying on the floor while I was left standing! Goddamn, the guy can’t even get the better of a guy who’s just gone through all that emotional trauma! Sure, that guy was a goat, but still! How can one man be that ass at getting things done?!? But the people see him win one match against a trio of bums and call him the favourite?!? The only thing he’s the favourite of is first in line at catering! People only see appearances and not history. The casuals see a big guy and think that he’s a top talent when he’s some bottom feeding bum! And not a smart bum either. Getting a big head when his entire career here has been made of L’s. The FIRST shot at my belt...an L. Qualifying for the chamber...an L. Jumping me after burning all my stuff...we saw how that turned out! So trust me when I say that I’ll be adding another L to his record after he chokes his SECOND chance at this strap! How does he even think he has a chance?!? I’ve seen him go on and on about how he’s going to kill me, but all I’ve seen is cap. He’s had plenty of chances, but this has gotta be it, right? Nah. He can talk all the shit he wants about taking my belt, but words literally mean nothing. Trust me. This is wrestling. Not some poetry reading or some shit. To beat me, this hoe’s gotta fight me face to face, and we know what happens when he sees me in person! He takes L’s. Multiple L’s, and by the end of it, he’ll have a whole alphabet. Full...of L’s. Okay, that one didn’t make sense, but what I’m trying to say here is that Euan’s a bitch. There.
Whew! I got a little worked up there. Maybe that will show people to not damage my stuff. But I’ve learned my lesson. Next time get insurance. And never take Euan’s cap seriously because he’s the Duke of Dumbassery. Got it, got it. The dub is already in the bag. You’ve got people like Edgebrook or whatever his name is on some hater shit, predicting against your boy like I’m not the favourite in every match I’m in! I tune out those hoes and focus on what’s in front of me. And that’s Euan Hill...for the third time. Both of our meetups have ended with me beating his ass, and that shit’s not changing just because he thinks real hard that he can this time. Ha! I’m just that better. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most people aren’t. But this time, it’s personal. The drip will be AVENGED, and this time, it’ll be Euan being the one replacing things. Replacing the sad void of beltlessness after I make him my bitch for the third time!
Oh yeah. Relationship with Edgebrook ended. Julius is now my new best friend.