Post by cadillac on Mar 9, 2021 20:47:06 GMT -5
Scene One: The Cadillac Commercial [on screen]
("TonighttighightttttTTTtttTT, weeeee areeeee younggggggg. SO I'LL SET THE WORLD ON FIRE. WE CAN BURN BRIGHTER. THAN THE SUNNnnNnnnununnNnnnN." The scene opens with "We are Young" by Fun, and we see a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL ocean-blue Cadillac ATS-V Coupe speeds down an abandoned country road, spitting dirt behind the roaring tires that fills the air with smoke and dirt. We hear a generic voice boom in the background over the revving of the car's engine.)
VOICE OVER: Introducing the all new Cadillac ATS-V two-door Coupe. A sports car that is reliable and safe in the city, but tough and powerful on the roughest terrain.
(The camera then cuts to a shot of Cadillac Jackson leaning up against a similar looking Cadillac car. The sun takes turns reflecting from the hood of vehicle, and the obnoxiously-red sunglasses Cadillac wears. He adjusts the collar of his perfectly tailored white suit and takes a step forward.)
CADILLAC: Hi, my name is Cadillac Jackson and I'm the star of professional wrestling company Project Honor, and I've been asked to come in and tell you all about the brand new Cadillac ATS-V. When I'm in the ring people expect two things from me; style and performance. And you get all that and more with this bad boy!
(We cut back to a shot of the car driving over an icy pond, as if you'd ever fucking need to do that in a Cadillac.)
VOICE OVER: You're only young once, and you shouldn't be limited by your car.
(Random shot of an owl in a tree.)
VOICE OVER: Drive. Explore. Live.
(Cut back to Cadillac Jackson.)
CADILLAC: Wrestling and Cadillac's are incredibly similar. In wrestling, you're trying to outsmart and out perform your opponent. It's a mix of strength and athleticism, and only one can be the best. And with a Cadillac? Well... Cadillac's are super cool, yo.
VOICE OVER: Any terrain, anywhere, anytime.
CADILLAC: Usually men and women want to see Cadillac in them, but today I want to see YOU in a Cadillac. I'm Cadillac Jackson and I approve this message.
(Cadillac Jackson opens the door and gets into the car.)
VOICE OVER: The all new Cadillac ATS-V two-door Coupe. Drive one today!
(We see a sky shot of the Cadillac speeding down a dirt road with a bald eagle flying above it. The commercial slowly fades.)
Scene Two: The Making Of. [off camera]
(Cadillac Jackson looks at the cameraman filming, who is of course his brother Doobie.)
CADILLAC: What do you think? How'd it come out?
DOOBIE: I mean I think it's pretty rad, but we might have to edit out that line about people wanting to see you in them? That's a little... Graphic don't ya think?
CADILLAC: Noooo you can't edit that out! That's the best part. From what I've learned the Project Honor locker room is full of edge lords so I think the fans will appreciate it! Besides, we have to -
(Cadillac is cut off suddenly, his head jolts up and he jumps out of the Cadillac car he was being filmed near. We see an older, thin balding man with a five o'clock shadow approaching in a black polo that reads "Steven" on one side and "Salesman" on the other. He tosses his hands in the air at the two brothers as he gets closer.)
STEVEN: Hello?! Yes excuse me you're not allowed to just get into the cars sir. If you want to test drive something you have to talk to one of us-... did you rip off the pricing and car facts pages from the front window?
CADILLAC: Uh... No. It fell off and I uh...
YeahIdidsorry.
(The man puts his hands on his hips and stares at the two brothers.)
-- Two Hours Later --
(We now join Cadillac and Dobbie in their apartment. You can tell that they try to keep it clean, but it is incredibly outdated. The floor is a peeling, disgusting yellow pattern that frankly may have been white at one point but who knows. The walls are stained a similar color, though it's hard to tell with the dust and chipped paint. Doobie sits in the kitchen, a wooden chaired pulled up to a splintering wooden table that has dozens of papers strewn all over it. Doobie is scribbling on them and plugging away at a calculator. Cadillac sits in the living room on a hideous cream-colored couch, a laptop on his lap and he's watching the IMovie car commercial that Doobie has clearly created by taking the footage of them at the Cadillac dealership and a few car commercials he found on YouTube spliced in. Cadillac Jackson watches with a big smile on his face as he drops the headphones and looks out at Doobie.)
CADILLAC: You've outdone yourself again Doobs.
DOOBIE: Huh? Oh- yeah I'm glad you like it.
CADILLAC: I love it man. The eagle flying at the end was a nice touch.
DOOBIE: Yeah I mean, you said 'Make it as 'Merican as possible so.
CADILLAC: It's awesome my man. Ya know when we get out of this hole you should go back to school for this multimedia stuff. You can be my personal media man!
DOOBIE: Yeah, that'd be cool I guess. I mostly do the videos and graphics just for fun... speaking of careers though did you get a chance to talk to Callum yet? You said you were gonna ask him about maybe bringing me in since you had your debut under your belt?
(Cadillac bites his bottom lip and doesn't make eye contact.)
CADILLAC: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. He loved the idea, but he uh, said you're too similar to someone they have already, yeah that's it, so they uh need to wait until a spot opens up.
(Doobie looks up quizzically.)
DOOBIE: They said they have someone too similar to me? Who?
CADILLAC: I don't remember Doobs, I was on my high of getting my win!
DOOBIE: I mean I don't know who on their roster they'd think is too similar to a 5'4 103 pound graphic designer, but like... I don't know man I've heard rumblings they might need tag teams. Maybe, I don't know, maybe you and I could just be a tag team.
(Cadillac chokes on the drink of water he was taking. His eyes widen and he looks at Doobie shocked, but he catches himself and just nods.)
CADILLAC: Yeah dude. Yeah.
...
Yeah that's a dope idea. I'll uh, pitch it to Callum after my match this week.
DOOBIE: I'd appreciate it man, you know how badly I want to be like y-
CADILLAC: SPEAKING OF MY MATCHES... my debut must have caught us up financially a little huh? Especially since it was a biggggg win?
(Doobie frowns having been blown off, but shakes it off and goes back to scribbling and punches a few more things into the calculator as he talks.)
DOOBIE: Well let's see, we don't have to pay WiFi, Electric, or rent this check. But between the money you spent on all your props for The Cadillac Experience segment, your custom ring gear, all the 8x10's and t-shirts you had made up... We're up $8.
CADILLAC: Hey!!! That ain't bad, profit is profi-
DOOBIE: Oh shit wait, you gave $100 to that Cadillac salesman to not call the cops on us for filming and touching one of the cars at the dealership. So now we're going to get tagged with an overdraft fee. So... We're roughly -$117.
CADILLAC: oh.
...
Well you know what they say. You gotta spend money to make money!
DOOBIE: Yeah man, I guess so. But we have all those bills I mentioned plus our credit card payments coming out this next check.
CADILLAC: Pffft it's fine Doobs! Don't even worry about it! Everyone knows that winning your match is worth more money, and I'm in a tag team match this week with Lance Armstrong on my team! We're 100% going to win regardless!
DOOBIE: Lance Armstro-... You Mean Lance Williams?
CADILLAC: Oh shit he's a Williams? Like the famous tennis stars?
DOOBIE: I highly doubt it.
CADILLAC: Darn. I wouldn't mind shooting my shot with Venus. Rawrrrrr. I'll have to ask him if he's got the hook up. Regardless! I have an interview online discussing my debut, my match last week and then this tag match on Zoom in about an hour! We'll be out of debt on no time.
DOOBIE: Oh sick you have an interview? Is it paid?
(Cadillac pouts.)
CADILLAC: I mean... It's not paid per say. But I get paid in exposure and experience!
DOOBIE: I mean, is it at least a reputable interview?
(Quick-cut end of scene.)
-- One hour later. --
Scene Three: The S in Smark [on camera]
VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, from the man who brought to you "Slapping your leg is a slap to my face", "Headlocks? YAWN." and "Everyone's doing too many superkicks.", I'm Stan "The S in Smark" Matthews and this, is SMARKDOWN.
(We see a very poor quality camera cut on. In one screen is Cadillac Jackson, wearing his suit and sunglasses, his hair impeccably spiked, and a weary smile on his face. In the other square is a very large man with a streaming quality so low quality that he lags in and out of frame every few seconds. The heft man, probably pushing 400lbs adjusts his thick rim black glasses, and when he moves his arm we see the green-screen effect fade and see his destroyed room behind him for a split second before going back to a poorly cropped photo of a wrestling ring. To the right is a chat room, this is apparently being recorded live. A green text reads at the top of the chat room "14 Viewers".)
STAN: Well fuck me raw Smark brothers, we've hit a new record amount of followers! Toss your favorite emoji's in the chat to welcome our good brother from Project Honor's Proving Grounds, Cadillac Jackson!
(There's a long pause interrupted by a poorly timed clapping sound effect played off a sound board. The only emoji comes from a person with the screen name "XtremeFlamez420Blaze", and it's of course, a poop 💩 emoji.)
CADILLAC: Uh it's actually Proving Ground, there's no S at the end, they're actually pretty anal about that... Hey we must have some lag or something because on my end it says 14 viewers and you said in your email that you usually pull close to 12 or 13 HUNDRED people.
STAN: Oh yeah yeah, must be lag. ANYWAYS. It's cool to have you on man, I appreciate you taking time out of your "Luxurious Lifestyle" to come hang out with us JOBBERS. Aha. Haha. Ha.
(The man snorts with laughter, and Cadillac shifts uncomfortably in his chair but still tries to keep his fake, plastered smile. "SmarkMcGwire" posts in the live chat "cadillac is a dum name wut a dum bitch lmao".)
CADILLAC: Yeah -... Yeah it's no problem. Any chance to interact with my adoring fans is a chance I'll always jump at! Plus you said you wanted to ask me about Proving Ground XII, "The Feast", so I'm more than excited to talk about that!
STAN: Yeah, I'm sure your "Fans" would loveeeeee to hear you talk about that match. And we all know, you loveeeeee to talk.
CADILLAC: I mean this is an interview... Did you not want me to tal-
STAN: QUESTION ONE. You own your debut match last week against Emmanuelle, and I think I speak for the entire wrestling community, because I do, when I say we were shocked you weren't as much of a bumbling oath as you look.
("BootyHunter69" chimes in with a "LMAO", and "XtremeFlamez420Blaze" pops back in with a "yea fuck this guy". Cadillac is sufficiently confused.)
STAN: But we all know, flukes happen. So this week you're taking on Emmanuelle and her partner Myojin, two people who are very underrated and have been held back in Project Honor. I mean they've been stars in other companies, you know that right?
CADILLAC: Yeah I know... I've actually been watching a lot of their WrestleWorld stuff. I don't know why you're framing this as if I hate them, I'm actually incredibly impressed with them and I think they're both super talented. You've seen their matches in Project Honor right?
STAN: Well yeah, I mean, no, not completely. I don't really like the main stream stuff.
CADILLAC: ... what's your favorite match of either of them. Doesn't have to be Project Honor.
STAN: ... I'm more of a highlights in YouTube kinda guy. But a lot of my followers tell me how underrated they are, and then they get someone like you who comes in and acts like you own the place because you're hot and rich.
CADILLAC: What the heckin' heck dude? Did you just invite me onto this podcast to roast me?
STAN: I'm just ribbing you brother, God can't you take a joke? Buddies rib each other all the time in THE BIZ. Anyways all I'm saying is don't you think it's a little bit farfetched that you and your partner Lance Williams can defeat a team that's so accomplished and so talented when you're both so muscled up you can barely apply your spray tans?
CADILLAC: Alright look. I have a ton of respect for both Emmanuelle and Myojin. They're both tremendously talented. Emmanuelle pushed my to my limit last week, but guess what? I walked out on top. I did exactly what I said I was going to do and I put a great big sexy W in my win column. And I don't know if you've seen Lance Williams or not, but he's a big strong boi. Brothers got calves the size of my torso. I'm super excited to be teaming with Lance, we have very similar attributes, we're both young sexy men hungry for big wins but even bigger gains. The fact that you're not giving us any credit is absolutely absurd. Are either of us going to be hitting any 450 splashes? Probably not. Although can you imagine? That'd be like a freakin train car falling on you if you Lance went for one.
("H0RNY4DRIP" posts in the chat "I want Lance to bulldoze me.")
CADILLAC: But regardless. As great as my good friend Emmy is, and as much talent as she has, she hasn't been able to hit her stride and Project Honor. Same can be said about Myojin. You want to talk about people being put through the ringer? Again, all the respect in the world goes out to them, but working that schedule takes its toll. There's no way Myojin is coming into this match at 100%, and while I'm a man of the fans and a man of good clean fights, you know that going up against two studs like myself and Williams, you can not show up less than healthy and expect to win.
Fact is Lance Williams is one of the most imposing figures in wrestling today, let alone on the Proving Ground roster, and like me or not I hold a victory over Emmanuelle. So you know what that makes me Stan? Undefeated. This show is called "The Feast" Stan, and there's nobody hungrier to break out on the Proving Ground roster. While they're all off in their own little worlds, I'm training and I'm busting my darn behind to get some eyes on me, and I promise you once I walk out victorious yet again, they'll have no choice but to start considering me a real contender around here. I want this Stan, I'm hungry and come "The Feast", I'm lookin to get my eat on. You should understand they better than anybody, from the looks you haven't missed a feast in a decade, AMIRIGHT?
(Cadillac laughs and jestures at Stan, who removes his glasses dramatically. "SmarkMcGwire" posts "wow dick move" in the chat.)
STAN: Wow. Really dude? A fat joke?
(Cadillac tosses his hands in the air fed up. "H0RNY4DRIP" chimes in very unnecessarily with "I want Lance Williams to crush me to dust. Mmm Dripdozer". )
CADILLAC: What?! I - what happened to ribs between friends?
STAN: I'm totally going to blog about this later man. Just goes to show you folks, people get on television then just unbuckle their pants and shit all over the people who pay their bills.
CADILLAC: YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH THE SHOW.
STAN: I READ ABOUT IT AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH. I'M A SMART MARK.
CADILLAC: You, you're, I...
STAN: KISS MY ASS CADILLAC JACKSON I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH YOU LOSE.
CADILLAC: KISS YOUR A--... no you know what!? You kiss my butt, sir!
STAN: Fuck you dude. Suck my ass.
CADILLAC: YOU suck MY butt!
STAN: SUCK. MY. ASS.
CADILLAC: NOOOOOOO. YOU. SUCK. MY. ASSSSSS FATSO. I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR 14 FANS IN THIS STUPID CHATROOM. ENJOY SITTING IN YOUR MOTHER BASEMENT ROTTING IN YOUR OWN IGNORANCE AND CHEETO DUST WHILE I'M DEFEATING TOP TIER TALENT AND BEING A STAR! YOU HEAR ME!? I'M A STAR!
STAN: ... nah you suck dude. Eat my ass.
("UndeadDeadManReborn" chimes in for the first time saying "Yea Cadillac seems like a reel tool stan is the smartest restlin fan ive ever met he has his own restlin podcast so he's an authority" and "BootyHunter69" proudly contributes "lol you should suck each others asses." Cadillac looks at the camera, lip furrowed in anger as he slams his laptop shut, abruptly ending the interview.)
[off camera]
(Cadillac stares down at his laptop, shaking in fury. He takes a few deep breaths before finally looking up. Doobie stands leaning against the wall, trying not to laugh.)
DOOBIE: Sounds like it went well?
CADILLAC: Fuck off Doobie.
(Cadillac gets up from the couch and heads toward his bedroom.)
DOOBIE: I really like the part where you told to suck your ass 15 times.
(Doobie yells after him with a big chuckle. Cadillac slams his bedroom door, and Doobie shakes his head before going back to doing what he was doing.)
End.
("TonighttighightttttTTTtttTT, weeeee areeeee younggggggg. SO I'LL SET THE WORLD ON FIRE. WE CAN BURN BRIGHTER. THAN THE SUNNnnNnnnununnNnnnN." The scene opens with "We are Young" by Fun, and we see a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL ocean-blue Cadillac ATS-V Coupe speeds down an abandoned country road, spitting dirt behind the roaring tires that fills the air with smoke and dirt. We hear a generic voice boom in the background over the revving of the car's engine.)
VOICE OVER: Introducing the all new Cadillac ATS-V two-door Coupe. A sports car that is reliable and safe in the city, but tough and powerful on the roughest terrain.
(The camera then cuts to a shot of Cadillac Jackson leaning up against a similar looking Cadillac car. The sun takes turns reflecting from the hood of vehicle, and the obnoxiously-red sunglasses Cadillac wears. He adjusts the collar of his perfectly tailored white suit and takes a step forward.)
CADILLAC: Hi, my name is Cadillac Jackson and I'm the star of professional wrestling company Project Honor, and I've been asked to come in and tell you all about the brand new Cadillac ATS-V. When I'm in the ring people expect two things from me; style and performance. And you get all that and more with this bad boy!
(We cut back to a shot of the car driving over an icy pond, as if you'd ever fucking need to do that in a Cadillac.)
VOICE OVER: You're only young once, and you shouldn't be limited by your car.
(Random shot of an owl in a tree.)
VOICE OVER: Drive. Explore. Live.
(Cut back to Cadillac Jackson.)
CADILLAC: Wrestling and Cadillac's are incredibly similar. In wrestling, you're trying to outsmart and out perform your opponent. It's a mix of strength and athleticism, and only one can be the best. And with a Cadillac? Well... Cadillac's are super cool, yo.
VOICE OVER: Any terrain, anywhere, anytime.
CADILLAC: Usually men and women want to see Cadillac in them, but today I want to see YOU in a Cadillac. I'm Cadillac Jackson and I approve this message.
(Cadillac Jackson opens the door and gets into the car.)
VOICE OVER: The all new Cadillac ATS-V two-door Coupe. Drive one today!
(We see a sky shot of the Cadillac speeding down a dirt road with a bald eagle flying above it. The commercial slowly fades.)
Scene Two: The Making Of. [off camera]
(Cadillac Jackson looks at the cameraman filming, who is of course his brother Doobie.)
CADILLAC: What do you think? How'd it come out?
DOOBIE: I mean I think it's pretty rad, but we might have to edit out that line about people wanting to see you in them? That's a little... Graphic don't ya think?
CADILLAC: Noooo you can't edit that out! That's the best part. From what I've learned the Project Honor locker room is full of edge lords so I think the fans will appreciate it! Besides, we have to -
(Cadillac is cut off suddenly, his head jolts up and he jumps out of the Cadillac car he was being filmed near. We see an older, thin balding man with a five o'clock shadow approaching in a black polo that reads "Steven" on one side and "Salesman" on the other. He tosses his hands in the air at the two brothers as he gets closer.)
STEVEN: Hello?! Yes excuse me you're not allowed to just get into the cars sir. If you want to test drive something you have to talk to one of us-... did you rip off the pricing and car facts pages from the front window?
CADILLAC: Uh... No. It fell off and I uh...
YeahIdidsorry.
(The man puts his hands on his hips and stares at the two brothers.)
-- Two Hours Later --
(We now join Cadillac and Dobbie in their apartment. You can tell that they try to keep it clean, but it is incredibly outdated. The floor is a peeling, disgusting yellow pattern that frankly may have been white at one point but who knows. The walls are stained a similar color, though it's hard to tell with the dust and chipped paint. Doobie sits in the kitchen, a wooden chaired pulled up to a splintering wooden table that has dozens of papers strewn all over it. Doobie is scribbling on them and plugging away at a calculator. Cadillac sits in the living room on a hideous cream-colored couch, a laptop on his lap and he's watching the IMovie car commercial that Doobie has clearly created by taking the footage of them at the Cadillac dealership and a few car commercials he found on YouTube spliced in. Cadillac Jackson watches with a big smile on his face as he drops the headphones and looks out at Doobie.)
CADILLAC: You've outdone yourself again Doobs.
DOOBIE: Huh? Oh- yeah I'm glad you like it.
CADILLAC: I love it man. The eagle flying at the end was a nice touch.
DOOBIE: Yeah I mean, you said 'Make it as 'Merican as possible so.
CADILLAC: It's awesome my man. Ya know when we get out of this hole you should go back to school for this multimedia stuff. You can be my personal media man!
DOOBIE: Yeah, that'd be cool I guess. I mostly do the videos and graphics just for fun... speaking of careers though did you get a chance to talk to Callum yet? You said you were gonna ask him about maybe bringing me in since you had your debut under your belt?
(Cadillac bites his bottom lip and doesn't make eye contact.)
CADILLAC: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. He loved the idea, but he uh, said you're too similar to someone they have already, yeah that's it, so they uh need to wait until a spot opens up.
(Doobie looks up quizzically.)
DOOBIE: They said they have someone too similar to me? Who?
CADILLAC: I don't remember Doobs, I was on my high of getting my win!
DOOBIE: I mean I don't know who on their roster they'd think is too similar to a 5'4 103 pound graphic designer, but like... I don't know man I've heard rumblings they might need tag teams. Maybe, I don't know, maybe you and I could just be a tag team.
(Cadillac chokes on the drink of water he was taking. His eyes widen and he looks at Doobie shocked, but he catches himself and just nods.)
CADILLAC: Yeah dude. Yeah.
...
Yeah that's a dope idea. I'll uh, pitch it to Callum after my match this week.
DOOBIE: I'd appreciate it man, you know how badly I want to be like y-
CADILLAC: SPEAKING OF MY MATCHES... my debut must have caught us up financially a little huh? Especially since it was a biggggg win?
(Doobie frowns having been blown off, but shakes it off and goes back to scribbling and punches a few more things into the calculator as he talks.)
DOOBIE: Well let's see, we don't have to pay WiFi, Electric, or rent this check. But between the money you spent on all your props for The Cadillac Experience segment, your custom ring gear, all the 8x10's and t-shirts you had made up... We're up $8.
CADILLAC: Hey!!! That ain't bad, profit is profi-
DOOBIE: Oh shit wait, you gave $100 to that Cadillac salesman to not call the cops on us for filming and touching one of the cars at the dealership. So now we're going to get tagged with an overdraft fee. So... We're roughly -$117.
CADILLAC: oh.
...
Well you know what they say. You gotta spend money to make money!
DOOBIE: Yeah man, I guess so. But we have all those bills I mentioned plus our credit card payments coming out this next check.
CADILLAC: Pffft it's fine Doobs! Don't even worry about it! Everyone knows that winning your match is worth more money, and I'm in a tag team match this week with Lance Armstrong on my team! We're 100% going to win regardless!
DOOBIE: Lance Armstro-... You Mean Lance Williams?
CADILLAC: Oh shit he's a Williams? Like the famous tennis stars?
DOOBIE: I highly doubt it.
CADILLAC: Darn. I wouldn't mind shooting my shot with Venus. Rawrrrrr. I'll have to ask him if he's got the hook up. Regardless! I have an interview online discussing my debut, my match last week and then this tag match on Zoom in about an hour! We'll be out of debt on no time.
DOOBIE: Oh sick you have an interview? Is it paid?
(Cadillac pouts.)
CADILLAC: I mean... It's not paid per say. But I get paid in exposure and experience!
DOOBIE: I mean, is it at least a reputable interview?
(Quick-cut end of scene.)
-- One hour later. --
Scene Three: The S in Smark [on camera]
VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, from the man who brought to you "Slapping your leg is a slap to my face", "Headlocks? YAWN." and "Everyone's doing too many superkicks.", I'm Stan "The S in Smark" Matthews and this, is SMARKDOWN.
(We see a very poor quality camera cut on. In one screen is Cadillac Jackson, wearing his suit and sunglasses, his hair impeccably spiked, and a weary smile on his face. In the other square is a very large man with a streaming quality so low quality that he lags in and out of frame every few seconds. The heft man, probably pushing 400lbs adjusts his thick rim black glasses, and when he moves his arm we see the green-screen effect fade and see his destroyed room behind him for a split second before going back to a poorly cropped photo of a wrestling ring. To the right is a chat room, this is apparently being recorded live. A green text reads at the top of the chat room "14 Viewers".)
STAN: Well fuck me raw Smark brothers, we've hit a new record amount of followers! Toss your favorite emoji's in the chat to welcome our good brother from Project Honor's Proving Grounds, Cadillac Jackson!
(There's a long pause interrupted by a poorly timed clapping sound effect played off a sound board. The only emoji comes from a person with the screen name "XtremeFlamez420Blaze", and it's of course, a poop 💩 emoji.)
CADILLAC: Uh it's actually Proving Ground, there's no S at the end, they're actually pretty anal about that... Hey we must have some lag or something because on my end it says 14 viewers and you said in your email that you usually pull close to 12 or 13 HUNDRED people.
STAN: Oh yeah yeah, must be lag. ANYWAYS. It's cool to have you on man, I appreciate you taking time out of your "Luxurious Lifestyle" to come hang out with us JOBBERS. Aha. Haha. Ha.
(The man snorts with laughter, and Cadillac shifts uncomfortably in his chair but still tries to keep his fake, plastered smile. "SmarkMcGwire" posts in the live chat "cadillac is a dum name wut a dum bitch lmao".)
CADILLAC: Yeah -... Yeah it's no problem. Any chance to interact with my adoring fans is a chance I'll always jump at! Plus you said you wanted to ask me about Proving Ground XII, "The Feast", so I'm more than excited to talk about that!
STAN: Yeah, I'm sure your "Fans" would loveeeeee to hear you talk about that match. And we all know, you loveeeeee to talk.
CADILLAC: I mean this is an interview... Did you not want me to tal-
STAN: QUESTION ONE. You own your debut match last week against Emmanuelle, and I think I speak for the entire wrestling community, because I do, when I say we were shocked you weren't as much of a bumbling oath as you look.
("BootyHunter69" chimes in with a "LMAO", and "XtremeFlamez420Blaze" pops back in with a "yea fuck this guy". Cadillac is sufficiently confused.)
STAN: But we all know, flukes happen. So this week you're taking on Emmanuelle and her partner Myojin, two people who are very underrated and have been held back in Project Honor. I mean they've been stars in other companies, you know that right?
CADILLAC: Yeah I know... I've actually been watching a lot of their WrestleWorld stuff. I don't know why you're framing this as if I hate them, I'm actually incredibly impressed with them and I think they're both super talented. You've seen their matches in Project Honor right?
STAN: Well yeah, I mean, no, not completely. I don't really like the main stream stuff.
CADILLAC: ... what's your favorite match of either of them. Doesn't have to be Project Honor.
STAN: ... I'm more of a highlights in YouTube kinda guy. But a lot of my followers tell me how underrated they are, and then they get someone like you who comes in and acts like you own the place because you're hot and rich.
CADILLAC: What the heckin' heck dude? Did you just invite me onto this podcast to roast me?
STAN: I'm just ribbing you brother, God can't you take a joke? Buddies rib each other all the time in THE BIZ. Anyways all I'm saying is don't you think it's a little bit farfetched that you and your partner Lance Williams can defeat a team that's so accomplished and so talented when you're both so muscled up you can barely apply your spray tans?
CADILLAC: Alright look. I have a ton of respect for both Emmanuelle and Myojin. They're both tremendously talented. Emmanuelle pushed my to my limit last week, but guess what? I walked out on top. I did exactly what I said I was going to do and I put a great big sexy W in my win column. And I don't know if you've seen Lance Williams or not, but he's a big strong boi. Brothers got calves the size of my torso. I'm super excited to be teaming with Lance, we have very similar attributes, we're both young sexy men hungry for big wins but even bigger gains. The fact that you're not giving us any credit is absolutely absurd. Are either of us going to be hitting any 450 splashes? Probably not. Although can you imagine? That'd be like a freakin train car falling on you if you Lance went for one.
("H0RNY4DRIP" posts in the chat "I want Lance to bulldoze me.")
CADILLAC: But regardless. As great as my good friend Emmy is, and as much talent as she has, she hasn't been able to hit her stride and Project Honor. Same can be said about Myojin. You want to talk about people being put through the ringer? Again, all the respect in the world goes out to them, but working that schedule takes its toll. There's no way Myojin is coming into this match at 100%, and while I'm a man of the fans and a man of good clean fights, you know that going up against two studs like myself and Williams, you can not show up less than healthy and expect to win.
Fact is Lance Williams is one of the most imposing figures in wrestling today, let alone on the Proving Ground roster, and like me or not I hold a victory over Emmanuelle. So you know what that makes me Stan? Undefeated. This show is called "The Feast" Stan, and there's nobody hungrier to break out on the Proving Ground roster. While they're all off in their own little worlds, I'm training and I'm busting my darn behind to get some eyes on me, and I promise you once I walk out victorious yet again, they'll have no choice but to start considering me a real contender around here. I want this Stan, I'm hungry and come "The Feast", I'm lookin to get my eat on. You should understand they better than anybody, from the looks you haven't missed a feast in a decade, AMIRIGHT?
(Cadillac laughs and jestures at Stan, who removes his glasses dramatically. "SmarkMcGwire" posts "wow dick move" in the chat.)
STAN: Wow. Really dude? A fat joke?
(Cadillac tosses his hands in the air fed up. "H0RNY4DRIP" chimes in very unnecessarily with "I want Lance Williams to crush me to dust. Mmm Dripdozer". )
CADILLAC: What?! I - what happened to ribs between friends?
STAN: I'm totally going to blog about this later man. Just goes to show you folks, people get on television then just unbuckle their pants and shit all over the people who pay their bills.
CADILLAC: YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH THE SHOW.
STAN: I READ ABOUT IT AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH. I'M A SMART MARK.
CADILLAC: You, you're, I...
STAN: KISS MY ASS CADILLAC JACKSON I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH YOU LOSE.
CADILLAC: KISS YOUR A--... no you know what!? You kiss my butt, sir!
STAN: Fuck you dude. Suck my ass.
CADILLAC: YOU suck MY butt!
STAN: SUCK. MY. ASS.
CADILLAC: NOOOOOOO. YOU. SUCK. MY. ASSSSSS FATSO. I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR 14 FANS IN THIS STUPID CHATROOM. ENJOY SITTING IN YOUR MOTHER BASEMENT ROTTING IN YOUR OWN IGNORANCE AND CHEETO DUST WHILE I'M DEFEATING TOP TIER TALENT AND BEING A STAR! YOU HEAR ME!? I'M A STAR!
STAN: ... nah you suck dude. Eat my ass.
("UndeadDeadManReborn" chimes in for the first time saying "Yea Cadillac seems like a reel tool stan is the smartest restlin fan ive ever met he has his own restlin podcast so he's an authority" and "BootyHunter69" proudly contributes "lol you should suck each others asses." Cadillac looks at the camera, lip furrowed in anger as he slams his laptop shut, abruptly ending the interview.)
[off camera]
(Cadillac stares down at his laptop, shaking in fury. He takes a few deep breaths before finally looking up. Doobie stands leaning against the wall, trying not to laugh.)
DOOBIE: Sounds like it went well?
CADILLAC: Fuck off Doobie.
(Cadillac gets up from the couch and heads toward his bedroom.)
DOOBIE: I really like the part where you told to suck your ass 15 times.
(Doobie yells after him with a big chuckle. Cadillac slams his bedroom door, and Doobie shakes his head before going back to doing what he was doing.)
End.
