Post by ttthet on Feb 11, 2021 19:06:36 GMT -5
TJ: To beat the postman, you need to THINK like the postman!
Our scene starts outside a post office. TJ Thompson stands outside, wearing a postman uniform with a number on it and carrying a mail bag.
TJ: I didn't know it was so easy to get a job as a postman! I thought you needed some special skills or something. It sounds like skilled work carrying around all that mail all the time but I guess not! Who knew? I wish I didn't have to wear these shirts, though. It's February! FEBRUARY!!! What kind of sicko decided that wearing shorts in February was a good idea? WHEN POSTMEN SPEND THEIR TIME OUTSIDE!?! I bet it was Pat. That leg hating meanie.
TJ hefts up his heavy mail bag and looks inside.
TJ: Hey, that doesn't look like that much! No wonder Pat has that much time to eat leaves or whatever tall people do with all that free time. I can hand this shit out in an hour! But while wearing shorts. Ew.
While TJ talks to himself, another postman exits the post office and looks at TJ.
Postman: What are you doing just standing here? You have work to do, come on! Get moving! Who are you talking to?
TJ: Oh shit. You're right, boss! I'll get going right away! I'm just talking to...myself! I'm my own favourite conversation partner. Anyways...bye!
TJ starts to walk away but the other mailman stops him.
Postman: Where do you think you're going? Wrong way, idiot! The mail vans are over there!
TJ: ...Mail vans? What the fuck is a mail van?
Postman: It's a van...with more mail in it. What do you think it is? The name is pretty self explanatory, don't you think? What, did you just get hired yesterday?
TJ: Uh...five minutes ago, actually! But I got it! It's all good! I totally knew what a mail van is...I'm just testing your knowledge. You're welcome!
TJ runs off in direction of the mail vans before the other postman can respond. He gets to a van with his numbers on it and opens the back. A pile of envelopes and packages flies out and hits him in the face.
TJ: Ow. Holy shit, that's a lot of mail! Who gets that many packages? Is that an inflatable giraffe? Damn, that's more work than I thought there would be. And you know how much I don't like hard work. Or easy work. Work at all isn't ideal. But it's still fine! I'm doing this to see inside the head of the opponent! I'll find out all his mail secrets to use against him in the ring! The things I do to get ahead. Sigh.
TJ piles all the mail back into the van, closes the door and gets into the front seat. He sits down and looks around, opening the glove compartment, checking under the seat for any traps Pat might have placed in there.
TJ: Hmm. Looks safe to me! That Pat guy must have not have gotten here in time to plant a mail bomb. That's what a mail bomb is, right? Right. I'm alive! But goddamn, that’s a lot of mail. Too much mail. I need to hand this shit out. Where the fuck am I going, anyway?
TJ takes a list of houses out of his bag and sighs as it unfurls to take up the entire van.
TJ: Well. I guess I have to start moving! The things I do to get ahead. JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN MAIL SECRETS, ALREADY!!!
TJ puts the ban into gear and peels out of the parking lot, headed for his first route. He gets there and shoves a bunch of envelopes in his bag, seemingly uncaring of where they’re supposed to go or simply clueless. He gets out of the van and heads towards his first house. He gets to the first house and rings the doorbell. A middle aged woman comes out.
TJ: Hi! Here’s your mail!
Mail receiver #1: Uh...thanks? What did you ring the doorbell for? Just put it in the mailbox! Wait a second...you’re not even the normal postman! Where’s Jerry?
TJ: Jerry? I don’t know the guy. Maybe he got fired. It’s my first day, okay? I’m just getting my bearings in! You know...learning all the tricks of the trade and shit! Looking for postman secrets! You don’t happen to know any postman secrets, do you?
Mail receiver #1: No...do I look like I know any postman secrets?!? What’s wrong with the post office these days? Hiring people who don’t know what they’re doing! Giving people that don’t know whatever a mail secret is jobs! Whatever happened to standards?!? Hiring practices?!? Screening people before you give them work?!? Shame! SHAME!!!
TJ: Damn...uh...no need to get all worked up over it! You’ll be fine. No need to call my boss, whoever he is. Enjoy your mail!
TJ tosses a pile of envelopes at the woman and slowly backs away, the woman still ranting as he slowly closes the door for her and heads to the next house. The lucky mail receiver there is a young man in his 20s who happens to be mowing his lawn. TJ tosses another pile of mail at him. The mail hits him in the face and almost gets mowed into pieces by the lawnmower.
TJ: Thank god I don’t have to ring a doorbell. Here’s your mail! Take it. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Maybe frame it or something. This is a limited time edition envelope from the Hipbeast himself! It’s a rare collector’s item, you know.
Mail Receiver #2: Hey, what was that for?!? I just had plastic surgery on this face, you monster!
TJ: I just said what it was for!!! People are so ungrateful to the postal service these days. Take your mail! Enjoy the mail! It’s expensive! Blah blah blah! I’m on a research assignment here, work with me!
Mail Receiver #2: But I thought you were a postman?
TJ: Well. I’m a postman today. Maybe never again. You see, I don’t even like mail! It’s just that I’m wrestling this postman who happens to be tall as fuck. So I need a competitive edge that doesn’t have anything to do with drugs! So here I am, trying to learn all these mail secrets. I’m not gonna ask you anything about them because I learned my lesson last time...so I’m just gonna move on now.
Mail Receiver #2: That doesn’t make any sense at all! But...you don’t look like a very sensible guy. Whatever. BUT THIS ISN’T EVEN MY MAIL!!! Where’s Jerry?
TJ: Again with this Jerry guy?!? I’m sure he’ll be back soon. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s your mail now! Aren’t you lucky? It’s like a treasure hunt! Maybe there’s money inside. Bye!
TJ quickly escapes the scene as the man tries to stop him and moves on quickly to the next house which is a modern home. TJ walks up the driveway and onto the porch and looks for a mailbox to slap mail into. He can’t find one, no matter how much he searches. He overturns rocks, checks under flowers and even tries to climb onto the roof until the door opens and a man wearing a bathrobe comes out.
Mail Receiver #3: What the hell do you think you’re doing?!? Climbing my house like some kind of jungle gym!
TJ throws another pile of mail at the bathrobe wearer in midair as he falls off the wall of the house.
TJ: Listen. I can explain. You don’t have a mailbox! Where am I supposed to put this pile of mail that may or may not be addressed to you?!? Should I just leave it on the ground for some porch pirate to steal?!?
The man points to a mailbox hanging right in front of the door.
TJ: Shit. I see. Don’t put your mailboxes in places where the average man can’t find it! Shame on you, you...bathrobe wearing fiend!
Mail Receiver #3: Hey, that bathrobe costs more than your rent! And this...isn’t even my mail. What kind of postman are you?
TJ: The best type of postman, excuse me! Listen. I’m sure I would’ve found that hidden mailbox eventually. I just needed time. Maybe a map or something. Be grateful for your mail that might not be your mail!
Mail Receiver #3: What...you know what? Whatever. Fine. I’ll be calling your manager soon anyways! Just get off my property! Jerry would’ve done it better!
TJ: Will do!
TJ leaves the house and moves on to the next one. The next house is a small bungalow with a mail slot on the door. TJ gets to the doorstep and pulls out a package from his sack and tries to slip it in, realizing that it’s way too big and elects to knock on the door. A small child somehow opens it to see TJ.
TJ: Hey, how’d you even open that door...you know what? I’m not going to ask. I’ve wasted enough time already with this shit! Here. Take this package or whatever this thing is. It’s a box that’s hopefully not empty. Enjoy!
Mail Receiver #4: Thanks. You wanna see what’s inside with me!
TJ: Uh...you know what? Sure. I’ve already wasted enough time! What’s a little more! I’ve always wanted to open packages that don’t belong to me.
The child attempts to rip open the box but is too weak. He hands it to TJ who also struggles to open it.
TJ: Damn, who packed this thing?!? It’s like a swiss vault or something! You don’t have any scissors or knives, do you?
Mail Receiver #4: My mom says I’m not allowed to have sharp objects!
TJ: Yeah, it’s probably for the best. I’m not trying to get another addition to my list of crimes against humanity! Looks like there’s only one way to go. Brute force!
TJ slams the box on the ground until a hole gets ripped through and a little bottle of pills falls out. TJ and the child both look at it in stunned silence.
Mail Receiver #4: That looks like candy! Can I have some?
TJ: Yeah sure...I mean NO!!! DON’T TOUCH THAT!!! You’re too young! Maybe when you’re older and want to go down that dark path. I’m not stopping you. But for now, don’t eat that!! It might look like candy. Maybe it tastes like candy depending on what you think candy is. But trust me on this one! It. Is. Not. Candy.
Mail Receiver #4: Oh...that’s okay!
TJ: Yeah, it better be okay! But wait a second...I’VE FIGURED IT OUT!!! There’s no way Pat got that big without these drugs! I’ve discovered the mail secret! HA!!! Suck it, Pat!!!
Mail Receiver #4: But that looks like Viagra!
TJ: How do you know what that is...listen. I doubt it’s Viagra. It might like like it, but no way Pat’s getting any chicks with that face. It’s definetly used for...a different kind of size. Ha. Don’t be like me, child.But now I don’t have to do this shitty postman job anymore! Here, you want all this mail?
Mail Receiver #4: Sure!
TJ gives the child the huge sack of mail and walks off, feeling good about himself after exposing Pat’s “mail secret”. The sack spills open, revealing a large amount of packages and envelopes. The scene fades to black as he gets back into the mail van.
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Fuck yeah, suck it, Slayer! I told you the L was on the way. Many times. And we all know that I never lie unless I’m horribly wrong. Which isn’t as much as most people think! But either way, I was right this time! I crushed Slayer for the second time like an empty can of beer and moved on from this man hopefully for the last time! Maybe he needs a new job. Anyways, Proving Ground wasa success! Sauce won a match for once! We scared away the debt collector with giraffe saliva! Petey’s going to actually wrestle for once! Everything’s coming out Big Drip. Including another surprise we’re pulling out of our asses real soon! Big Drip is on the rise, much to the sadness of those hoes who didn’t pick us early enough. Shame on them! And it’s time for another PPV! I swear, I can’t catch a break! I just defended this thing, and now that suit guy’s making me defend again! Wow. How dare he. But at least my boys are getting an opportunity for the tag straps. Some #1 contender shit that sounds like light work! We did some scouting on their opponents, and when I say scouting, I mean we watched 30 seconds of one of their matches. That’s enough. They got this. Besides, I have my own shit to worry about! Well...worry is a broad term. I used to be worried, but now I have all his secrets on my side. I know what he’s been doing! Doing all those drugs to make him all tall and shit. I’m exposing the secrets of the post office! He should be scared of me.
I’ve solved one part of the Pat mystery. I’ve figured out how the fuck he’s so big and tall! And it’s how most people get tall. Steroids. But that’s okay! I’m pretty sure there’s not a rule against it so what am I supposed to do? I didn’t know postmen were allowed to take drugs because they work for the government but whatever. You learn something new every day! Maybe it helps them deliver mail faster or something. Or lift all those heavy packages. Something like that. But drugs don’t help your wrestling ability unless there’s a new type of drug that I don’t know about! Which is unlikely. I can see it now. Pat knows he can't beat me like a man, so he has to resort to drastic measures! Taking more drugs than your average crackhead for even a chance at removing this Warrior Rising championship from around my waist! At least we can say he's determined. To set the record for most pills popped in 24 hours? Perhaps, but also to win a match for once! I can admire determination. Well...not really. You see, success comes naturally to me. I might only win title matches, but that's all that really matters right? And this happens to be a title match, so I think we know how this will end. Has Pat ever won a match? He's 400 pounds of hardcore postman energy but can't seem to get it done in the ring! That shows that size doesn't mean anything. I have a giraffe. Is he a good wrestler? Yeah, but that's unrelated!!! I'm sure he's done training in his giraffe gym or wherever animals work out, but Pat's too busy goofing off in the post office and delivering mail! WHO THE FUCK SENDS MAIL ANYMORE?!?
Sorry, that was a low blow. I got a little riled up there. People like that Edgebrook dude and whoever the commentators are calling this some david vs goliath type shit. Well. Obviously I'm the goliath! Anyone with a little common sense can see that! Sure, Pat could lay off the KFC for a day or two, but that means nothing! It's clear those hoes have never seen me wrestle during title matches! I don't lose! Literally. I don't lose. Not in here, at least. In fact, my only wins have been in title matches which means that I'm just that good with a belt on the line! In any match I'm in, I think we can safely assume that I'm the goliath. I'm the guy to look out for. Sure, Pat might be the goliath to the untrained eye, but come on! Size doesn't matter! At least, that's what Petey's telling his dates. Just look at me! I'm the definition of physical perfection. I'm the most charismatic man on the roster and I can make a mean grilled cheese! That's all you need to pick a winner. And Pat is NONE of those things! Not one! And for some reason, these hoes are picking him?!? A postman on crack instead of the best wrestler of this generation?!? Damn, people these days. At least my Drip brothers have my back.
Besides, despite his looks, Pat really isn't that much. Look at me. I've been on a rampage through...some people. And Pat's about to join that...somewhat prestigious list of people! Pat might look like an intimidating monster, but has he ever won a match? Yes. Yes he has. But his number of wins is...DOUBLED BY HIS LOSSES!!! That's right. The challenger that you put in front of me has double the losses than wins??? Double! And that's not all, I have...DOUBLE THE WINS THAN HE DOES!!! I outrank this guy so much it's not even funny! Just because a guy can snort fifty tons of height pills means he can keep up with the Yung Goat?!? Can you even snort pills?!? I don't even know why he has this shot! What has he done on the roster that means anything? He defended a post office in a ghost town when he should've been delivering mail? He lost to Ozy? His first name has the same first letter as Project Honor? I'm smelling a little...BIAS!!! And bias is never good unless it's in my favor. Which it isn't. I wonder why? Listen Pat, I'm sure you're a cool guy, delivering the mail and all that. I don't even hold the whole drug thing against you because I know you just want to win. But you won't. You see what I did at Unbreakable Resolution? You see what I did to Slayer the first time? And the second time? Rollups of death, boy! And you're about to catch this L just like they did! I have a giraffe! You're not even that tall!
Your arms might be long, but they're still too short to box with the Hipbeast! Luckily for you, we're wrestling. BUT THEY'RE STILL TOO SHORT!!! I'm about to make an example out of you, fool! I'm gonna make sure nobody predicts against me when the result is THAT obvious ever again! Size doesn't matter. Ha. It's about wrestling ability and I hate to say it, but you don't have that much! I feel bad for you. You have all these expectations to do well just because you're bigger than the average human, but all you do is disappoint! We get it! You're tall! But that doesn't mean shit, and I'm about to prove it at The Crowning!
Oh yeah, and big drip big hip. That too!