Post by sportsentertainmentx on Feb 8, 2021 19:24:11 GMT -5
Stardate 20210201:
"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." ~ Andy Bernard.
Two great quotes about age and time, and two quotes Terry Marshall had been mulling over in his mind. Marshall was restless and sleep was evading him like the Project Honor tag team titles will forever evade Two-Toned Mafia. Marshall has wandered to his kitchen and is starring into the refrigerator for something to snack on.
Leftover Mexican, no, it'll give me heartburn. He can't eat spicy after 7pm at his age. Perhaps a glass of milk? Well, his stomach doesn't handle lactose as it used too and his wife would chase him out of the bedroom with the milk-fueled fart bomb he'd be dropping. Then he sees it, almost hidden in the back of the bottom shelf, his absolute favorite food on Earth, cheesecake.
Like a kid on Christmas morning, Marshall grabs the New York-style cheesecake and begins to tear the lid off like it is wrapping paper. But then he stops. Marshall looks at the delicious treat and thinks about how those slow-digesting calories will lay in his stomach all night. Cheesecake is a special treat reserved for heavy lifting days and special occasions.
Like a kid on Christmas who expected this new hot toy but opened up a pair of socks instead, Marshall frowns in sadness. He shuts the lid and shoves the cake back into the shadows of the bottom shelf. With a heavy heart, Marshall opens the crisper drawer and pulls out a pack of celery, the worst tasting food on Earth. He'll at least throw some peanut butter on it, but that's like putting a wig on a pig.
Marshall shuts the fridge and begins to get a butter knife from the drawer when a voice from the shadows says, "what are you doing Terry?".
Startled, Marshall throws the celery towards the sound of the voice, drops the butter knife, and grabs the butcher knife from the block on the counter. As Marshall takes a fighting stance Space Lord emerges from the shadows holding a stalk of celery. At the sight of his partner, Marshall gives a sigh of relief and lays the knife down. Space Lord smirks and takes a bite of the celery.
"AHHHH! " Space Lord shouts before spitting the bite of celery out.
This is terrible. Why would you ingest this into your body?
It's healthy brother.
So is steak, why not consume a bovine?
Brother at my age I have to be conscious about what I eat.
At your age? How old are you?
Terry Marshall shakes his head and says, “brother I’m *censored*.”
Space Lord scoffs and says, “Terry, I’m 1572 Earth years old and I’ve never eaten a plant in my life”.
Well, brother, things are a little different for us humans.
Why don’t you just drink from the fountain of youth?
Brother, that isn’t real.
But it is.
Brother, Ponce de León was a liar.
Who?
Ponce de León, was a Spanish explorer and conquistador who was known for leading the first official European expedition to Florida and serving as the first governor of Puerto Rico. But, most famously he actually discovered Florida while searching for the fountain of youth.
And this has been your educational moment of the promo.
Trust me, brother, I know.
Pants was a fool.
Ponce.
Whatever, the fountain of youth is in Uranus.
Brother, you aren’t going near my anus.
Not YOUR ANUS, URANUS!
Oh, ok, good.
So, let’s go, Marshall. Let’s get you some Uranus youth water.
That just sounds wrong.
Stardate 20210203:
Terry Marshall is traveling with Space Lord and the Desolator crew to drink from the fountain of youth. Marshall sits in the “guest of honor” chair on the command bridge and seems a bit nervous as he chews on his fingernails. Space Lord, ever the vigilant captain, notices his partner's unease.
Terry, are you ok?
Without looking up to his partner Marshall drops his hands and folds them in his lap while saying, “Brother, this is a huge match for us, a chance to show the world of Project Honor that we are the real deal, that we are too legit to quit. I’m just nervous that I’m slowing down in my old age and I don’t want to hold you back. Even more than that, I don’t want to disappoint any of the Sexamanics”.
Space Lord smiles confidently and says, “once you drink from the youth waters you will feel better. Trust me, Terry, none of those other teams stand a chance, regardless of the youth water or not. You know it, I know it, and soon the whole world will know it.”.
Brother, it sounds like you are ready to monologue.
I’m ready if you’re ready.
Always brother.
Monologue Part 1: Big Drip
First and foremost let's go ahead and talk about the Lil Dickie and Froggy Fresh wannabes know as Big Drip. You boys are the new hot thing here in Project Honor, but really you are just flash in the pan announces who will fade away like that hot garbage known as mumble rap. But Sports Entertainment Xpress is going to be around for the long haul and hit just as hard today as we did twenty years ago because we are the hardcore gangster rap of Project Honor.
So, this monologue is dedicated. To all the opponents that told us we'd never amount to nothin. To all the haters that said we were too old and just an entertainment act, while we were clangs and banging trying to get a title shot. Called us over the hill and old men, when we were just trying to feed the Desolator crew. It's all good. And to all the boys in the struggle. You know what I'm sayin'? It's all good, baby baby.
It was all a dream, I used to read PWI magazine. Fuzz and Titan 3 up in the memorial armory. Hangin' pictures on my wall and every Saturday night 605 live, Mr. Crusher, Johnny Balls. I let my VCR rock until my VHS popped. Drinking milk, taking my vitamins, training hard, saying my prayers all had an increase in my stock. Way back, before I ever dawned the black and white, when I turned from the light. With the heel attitude to match.
Remember house shows? I do, and Big Drip is straight doo, doo-da-doo, doodo.
Paid our dues now we're blowin' up like I knew we would. Call the bookie, same odds, same results. S.E.X gets paid and they hand raised. Cause we are so good, cause S.E.X is the best. And if you don't know, after the Crowning ya will know, DUDE!
I get that you two are the hot new thing in the sport, but brothers S.E.X isn’t a flash in the pan, we are tried and true. I will admit that you guys might just be the future of this sport, but brother the Sports Entertainment Xpress is the present of this sport. Like that one rapper said, our time is now.
Lil Petty, what does Lil mean? I’ve been told it means little, why not just say little? Why tell people you are little or admit to being little? The real question though, IS WHY BE LITTLE!?! Eat some meat to grow your muscles, do some push-ups to pump up your chest. Big little is not a life sentence you can make yourself big, that is if you are willing to put in the work. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THE WORK PETEY!?!
Are you Little Peter…
Space Lord is cut off by Terry Marshall snickering in the background like a thirteen-year-old. Space Lord slowly turns and looks at Terry Marshall wondering what is so funny
I’m sorry brother, but his name is Little Peter. How does he ever get a date with a name like that?
I don’t get it?
*speaking through laughter* Little peter, as in a small penis.
Space Lord shakes his head.
Can we please be serious?
Marshall stops laughing and stands up straight crossing his arms and mean-mugging.
Super cereal brother.
Yung Sauce, you cannot even spell your name right. Where is your O? You two are obviously unintelligent beings. With all your hipping and hopping, you don’t even know what the jazz is all about. BUT YOU WILL LEARN! Cause I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie. To the hip hip hop-a you don't stop the Sports Entertainment Xpress. So get HIP It to the bang-bang boogie, THE BIG BANG BOOGIE!
Put your Young Sauce on your Little Peter and prepare to get banged out of sight. BIG BANGED!
Brother are you sure you don’t deal in innuendo?
I NEVER DEAL IN INNUENDO! I SAY WHAT I MEAN AND I MEAN WHAT I SAY!
So, believe me when I tell all you Earthlings that the Sports Entertainment Xpress will soon be the number one contenders to the duo championships because S.E.X IS THE BEST!
Before the Dynamic Duo can spit more of that hot promo fire Major Helmet interrupts. Captain, we have entered Uranus.
Marshall snickers again. (Come on, you know you laugh to this day when someone says Uranus. Even Neil Degrasse Tyson does.)
Space Lord pays no attention to Marshall as he stares at the command deck viewing screen with a big shot of Uranus. “Let’s dive into the waters of Uranus”.
Soon the Crew along with their fearless leader and Terry Marshall are venturing through the ice planet. Marshall and the crew are bundled up, but Space Lord once again refuses to cover his body, even as icicles form around his tassels.
Brother this place is even colder than Montreal.
At least there are no mimes here. THERE IT IS… the fountain of youth.
Just ahead of the group is a massive fountain, but the water in it is at a rolling boil. Like a hot tube boil, not a cooking Lobster boil. Marshall takes off running, pulling his clothes off as he goes. Finally, his underwear flies over his shoulder and lands on the head of Sargent Spot. “Ewww gross”, Private Bug Girl says.
“CANNONBALL!” Marshall screams as he dives into the fountain.
After a few moments, Marshall stands up in the fountain, his waist still below the water. What stands before them is a much younger, but smaller Terry Marshall. He looks to be around thirty years younger, but his hair is still covered with a bandana and his Fu Manchu mustache is still on point.
Oh… my… what a hunk.
Marshall looks down at himself in the water and sees his youthful self and then raises his head with a giant smile.
BROTHER!
Why are you so small?
I used to be a technician brother, then I got over, and got big and just started knocking everyone out.
I think I like older Marshall better.
Well, I have sold more merch in my later years. But, look how ripped I am.
You are quite lean and ripped.
“Yeah, he is,” Bug Girl says under her breath. This upsets Major Helmet, as he has a secret crush on her. “I bet he can’t monologue now,” Helmet says in a huff under his breath.
But, in his younger years, Marshall had impeccable hearing, and he was able to hear what Helmet said. Marshall hops out of the fountain and immediately starts experiencing significant shrinkage due to the freezing temperatures of Uranus. Marshall quickly hops back into the fountain.
I can monologue from here brother.
Two-Toned Mafia?
Oh yeah, let’s get them.
Monologue Part 2: Two-Toned Mafia
YA KNOW SOMETHING SISTERS, we already did this dance once and you two came up on the losing end, and as the old saying goes the more things change, the more they stay the same. Clearly, I have changed dude, looking younger and leaner, feeling younger and meaner. So while I have changed, you two versus the Sports Entertainment Xpress will stay the same, you two looking up at the lights while we are getting our hands raised.
I said before, and I am saying it again, against S.E.X you cannot win. You want to ride with the devil and his evil ways, well it is going to end with you getting burned. Burned in the lake of fire in the sky and burned out of the tag team contender ranking when we beat you again. Last time a lot of people called it an upset, but this time it will just be what is expected. You two silly girls need to get your heads on right and deal with your mental issues because if you think you can beat us you are even crazier than I thought.
If you're having booking problems, I feel bad for you son, I got ninety-nine problems but two bitchs stopping us from becoming the number one contenders ain't one. Do you hear that? It sounds like this, chugga chugga, choo-choo. BAM! IT’S THE S.E.X TRAIN! It’s coming for you and it won’t be derailed. It will run over or run through anything that steps on to its tracks and dare stand in its way.
Two-Toned Mafia, this is the second time you will try to defeat us, and there will not be a thrice. No charming third time for you, because like a semi-charmed life, baby, baby, we want something else. WE WANT THOSE DUO’S TITLES! We will not be stopped by two girls who are more unstable than a nuclear core. The search for your daddies will be over, because after I put you both over my knee and give you the ass-whipping you should have got as children you will both call me Supreme Intergalactic champion, and both call me DADDY!
Brother we are very soon going to be the proud fathers of the whole tag team division here in Project Honor. I’m good, and brother I am looking good. Most importantly though come The Crowning we are going to be better than good, we are going to be great. Because achieving true greatness to us means winning those tag team titles. We gotta be great to achieve greatness and brother we are fine-tuned and humming like a race car.
We are going to be pulling into the O2 arena, ready to show the Queen, all her men, all her horses, and all of Project Honor what pure patriotic muscle looks like. I got a feeling that doesn’t sit too easy with Two-Toned Mafia. I bet the star and bars just melt their mentally weak snowflake hind ends, well TOO BAD SISTERS! Cause I got the red, white, and blue running through my veins, yeah dude I was born and raised in the U, S, of A. And come crowning you’ll get a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.
Oh, did that offend you? I’m sure everything offends you little freaks. Ya know what offends me, dude? When someone accuses me of taking short cuts. Let me tell you two little mental midgets something, the largest arms in Project Honor weren’t fueled by steroids, they were fueled by hard work and dedication. When Cecilia was in a corner drinking a bottle, I was squatting five hundred pounds for reps. While Lucy was sacrificing small animals in some satanic ritual, I was benching. I might be old, but I know what it takes to be successful, and that is hard work and dedication.
You two represent the worst of your generation, two mentally ill, no spine having, little ingrates who expect everything to be handed to them. You wouldn’t know hard work if you bit you on the ass, and that is why you want to say I got my body from steroids and we are so up and happy because of blow. Did you ever think that maybe not everyone is in a constant state of depression-like you two losers and that we just happy because we know God is on our side, and that anything we set our minds to we will achieve through hard work and dedication.
You are getting feisty in your younger age.
I was a bit of a hot head when I was younger, I guess that is starting to come back to me.
Well, let’s get out of Uranus.
Please do, I’m starting to get sore.
The camera zooms in on Marshall's face who gives a big wink. The scene then fades out.
The scene fades back in after the commercial because this has taken a while and we need a way to pay for the rocket fuel to get to Uranus. I mean we have travel expenses in our contract, but they said this “wasn’t a business trip”. Whatever, wait until you see young Terry Marshall taking care of business.
Anyway, we fade back in to see Terry Marshall shirtless and doing curls in the gym of the Starship Desolator as they head back to Earth. Marshall stares at his arms in the mirror and loves what he sees.
“Nice pump” Space Lord says as he walks into the gym, ready to join Terry Marshall for what will surely be an epic arm session. “Thanks, brother,” Marshall says through gritted teeth as he curls the 45lb dumbbell. Marshall goes for another curl and then notices his hand suddenly wrinkles.
“AH!” Marshall should as he puts the dumbbell back on the rack, even in a state of shock Marshall will not commit the cardinal gym sin of not racking his weights. Marshall looks in the mirror and notices the bags under his eyes, and the drooping of his face. Marshall watches as he begins to age.
Brother, what is going on.
I was afraid this might happen. Simply bathing in the waters was not enough for your human body to sustain its youth.
So, this whole trip was for nothing? I filmed a commercial in a thong to pay for this trip.
“AAAAHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Space Lord holds his stomach, doubled over in laughter.
IT’S NOT FUNNY DUDE!
Space Lord wipes the tears of laughter from his eyes as he stands up straight.
Relax, I’ve got it covered. Follow me.
Marshall follows Space Lord from the gym and down the hall, growing older the entire trip. By the time they get to the room Space Lord was leading him too, Marshall's belly was grown bigger while his bladder has grown smaller, and his knees and lower back now hurt again.
Brother, what is this?
Space Lord says nothing and only offers a giant smile as he presses his palm to the reader on the door. The door slides open and reveals the room is filled wall to wall, and floor to ceiling with bottles of the bluest water you have ever seen. Space Lord had filled the bottles with the water from the fountain of youth.
Marshall stared at them, his jaw on the floor in shock. “Go ahead, drink one, it’ll last longer than just bathing in it,” Space Lord says. Marshall's hand slowly reaches for a bottle and as he grasps it he can feel the youthful energy through the plant-based, biodegradable bottle (because the Sports. Entertainment Xpress cares about the environment). Marshall quickly twists the lid off and chugs the water down.
He instantly transforms back into his younger self. Marshall looks at his arms up and down, and while they may be smaller, they are more defined. Marshall looks at Space Lord and with true conviction says, “brother I love you”.
Space Lord smiles and says, “I love you too brother. Now, let’s go get a pump on those little arms.”.
Marshall and Space Lord begin to walk back to the gym and as they do Marshall says, “brother, I can’t help but feel like we are forgetting something”.
Hmm… I don’t know what it could be.
Me either, but I just got that feeling.
Now that you mention it, I do too.
The partners walk back to the gym, both pondering what they could have forgotten when suddenly it hits them and they say in unison “INSIDIOUS!”.
Monologue Part 3: Insidious
Insidious, I know two things about you. One you two seem to think you are so spooky. Two, I know you are a couple whose son inexplicably entered into a comatose state and becomes the vessel for a variety of demonic entities in an astral dimension known as 'The Further' who inhabit his body. You should have called an exorcist, just like Little Drippers should have called an exercise instructor.
Uh, brother. That is the plot of a movie, not the tag team in the match.
But that is what I found when I googled them.
Well, brother, that isn't them.
I checked their biography and nothing. How do you not put a biography on your job application? I had to put mine in my application and then I a resume with a cover letter and I'm the supreme intergalactic champion for crying out loud.
I know brother, I did too and I'm pretty sure I'm Rock Johnson's mom’s favorite wrestler.
You're a lot of people’s moms’ favorite wrestler.
What can I say, I used to be a heart breaker.
A heartbreak kid?
I was just a sexy boy, but not a boy toy.
That would be some sweet entrance music.
You know it, brother.
What was I talking about?
Insidious.
OH YEAH! Insidious, you think you are so creepy creepy, spooky spooky, but really you are cowards. Afraid to reveal who you are and what you are all about. Fine, keep your secrets.
This is the Crowning, and Sports Entertainment Xpress will be crowned the number one contenders, and then we will move on to be crowned as the duo's champions.
He ain't kidding dude. And truth be told it doesn't matter what your background is. No matter where you came from, what you did, or what you plan on doing your story will end just like every other one of our opponent’s stories end. Knocked flat out from a Thunder Strike. If you don’t like it there are two things you can do about it, actually just one...NOTHING!
That doesn’t just go for Insidious, and it doesn’t just go for Big Drop and Two-Toned Mafia, it goes for anyone who thinks that they can stop us. We are coming for those tag team titles to secure OUR LEGACY. We know we are the best, and after we win this number one contenders match we will go on to win those tag team titles and prove to the whole world that S.E.X IS THE BEST!
Space Lord and Marshall hit some sick double bicep poses as the credits roll.
~Fin
