Post by Furious Julius Fairweather on Feb 2, 2021 14:44:14 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER
The views expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Project: Honor, Rock Johnson, or any member of our staff or roster. Unlike some exclusive show hosts, Mr. Fairweather does not have a stick up his ass, even if Bruce McLeod cracked one over his head in a Fallout dark match. The F Word with Julius Fairweather was filmed in Montreal, Quebec in front of a live studio audience, where marijuana is legal and was heavily consumed during show production.
As the graphics morph away to reveal a studio set and “Stuck in the Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel begins to fade out, we hear the deep voice of Winston Winfield welcoming us to the show. Standing on a small stage with golden curtains behind him, and flanked by a pair of attractive women in skintight catsuits complete with ears and tails, the middle-aged emcee with a gray pencil moustache booms into an old-fashioned microphone.
Winston Winfield: “Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time to kick back, light up, and feel the love, as Project: Honor presents the only exclusive show that matters...It’s the Final Word with Julius Fairweather! Join us as we share another Viewer’s Verse, relive a pair of matches from the previous week in The Storm Warning, and find out who will be in Fairweather’s Fab Four! Now prepare to welcome the man who keeps James Edgebrook up at night in a cold sweat! He is one suave motherfucker who has a duty to please your booty! He is the Weatherman...he is The Shepherd of Lost Souls...he is simply Furious...and he remains undefeated in the hearts and minds of all his viewers...please welcome...Juuuuulius Fairrrrrweatherrrr!”
Winston steps aside as the pair of curvaceous women move to part the golden curtains. With a wide grin on his face, Julius struts from backstage and is immediately pawed at by the scantily clad twins. Julius wags a finger at his personal emcee, who gives a gentlemanly bow in response, before motioning for the camera to follow him across the stage. Upon reaching the desk and couch to the left of the stage, Julius straightens his suit jacket and takes his seat. He is soon joined by Winston, who takes his place on the couch while the unnamed, yet somehow familiar women seductively smile and sway their bodies in the background.
Julius Fairweather: “What’s up, motherfuckers? Welcome to another exciting episode of The F Word! Last week was loaded with Project: Honor goodness, from Fallout to Proving Ground and onto the Crowning announcements, so we’ve got a lot of motherfuckery to cover! Tonight we’re going to have another Viewer’s Verse, we’ll compare two of last week’s most hotly contested matches, and I’ll also reveal the four motherfuckers that earned a spot in my Fab Four! Not only that, but I’m going to break one of The F Word’s cardinal rules by welcoming a special guest as “The motherfucking Raven” Matt Knox joins us to pimp himself to the live studio audience!”
Winston: “It sounds like a loaded show indeed, and may I just say, congratulations on your own in-ring debut, Julius!”
The host of the show snaps his head toward Winston to give him a bug-eyed glare, followed by a prolonged silence as the emcee shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
Julius: “I done told you, motherfucker, we ain’t talking about no shillelagh dark match shenanigans! You dig?”
Winston: “I...uh...yes, you are correct, sir…”
Julius holds his intimidating stare at Winston for a few more seconds before eventually turning his attention back to the camera with his huge, charming smile.
Julius: “Now then, before we go any further, I’d like everyone to give a warm welcome to the newest Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather! Fresh from the Fallout audience to our very stage, let’s hear it for my favorite set of kitties, Bambi and Candy Swallows!”
The buxom blonde sisters begin to gyrate with more enthusiasm a few feet behind Julius and Winston, much to the delight of the live studio audience. With their catgirl vibe in full effect, Bambi and Candy eventually begin to bathe themselves, much to the delight of the stoned audience. After giving them a few moments to strut their stuff, Julius motions for the crowd to calm down so that he can proceed with the show.
Julius: “Settle down, you horny motherfuckers! Y’all displayin’ more thirst than Kasey Winterborn’s Twitter timeline! And speaking of that fine, foxy momma, one of her biggest admirers should sober the fuck up and pay attention to this week’s “Viewer’s Verse”! This week’s attempt at making words rhyme comes to us from Fuckitscold, Minnesota and an amateur lyricist named Roberto who has no love for Lil’ Petey, Yung Sauce, and TJ motherfucking Thompson!”
Julius focuses his attention on the blue cue card in his hand and begins to recite the latest “Viewer’s Verse”.
“Hippity Drippity Drop,
Big Drip’s single was a flop,
The lyrics were shitty,
The rhyme wasn’t pretty,
But Gerald is the cream of the crop.”
Upon finishing the rhyme, Julius looks up to give the camera an “oh no you didn’t” expression.
Julius: “Damn! Roberto bringin’ the fire and showing no love for Big Drip’s latest attempt at glorifying suburban thug culture! I guess not even those pasty-white homeboys can please everyone. We’ll be right back with a look at a beautiful pair…(Julius pauses to glance back at Bambi and Candy before ultimately finishing his statement)...of matches from Fallout and Proving Ground, but first, a word from our motherfucking sponsor!”
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Julius: “Now I ain’t sayin’ that was motherfucking Aiden Reynolds doing the voice-over for that spot, but if it was, he did a fine job of making me want to sample some of that motherfucking Toowoomba Topping! Hell, I don’t even know what that motherfucker just said, but I did hear the word “cunt” a couple of times, which is the first thing that comes to mind every time those motherfuckers at Outback ruin my order! But enough about our motherfucking sponsor, cause it’s time to dig deep into Fallout and Proving Ground as we put a pair of their marquee matchups side-by-side for The Storm Warning Match of the Week!”
Julius turns to look at a different camera, as a greenscreen emerges behind him with a map of Eastern Canada. On that map we can see the Fallout logo hovering over Montreal, while the Proving Ground logo sits atop Toronto.
Julius: “Last week our Canadian brothers and sisters saw a pair of stormfronts merge into all-out Armageddon! I’m talking about a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker, motherfuckers! On one side you had the established brand headlined by an oddly-booked and anti-climatic tag team-turned handicap match, while the rising upstart gave us a slip-and-slide scaffold match for a spot in the Legacy Chamber! But this is the motherfucking F Word, and if you want to hear about what closed the shows, go listen to Edgebrook stumble through another broadcast on Friday! Instead, we’re going to look at a more even pair of matches, as both brands offered up their version of the classic Triple Threat! I’m judging these motherfuckers in three categories; fan interest, in-ring action, and the final outcome! Which one comes out on top? Watch and see, motherfucker!”
As the greenscreen focuses on the Fallout logo, Julius begins to share his thoughts on the first of the two Triple Threat contests.
Julius: “Fallout was up to bat first with the odd pairing of Victoria Strader, Kasey Winterborn, and Jason Long. These three motherfuckers didn’t have any heated issues going into this thing, but after watching their promos and comparing their stats, I found it to be a hard motherfucker to call, and that’s what made it so goddamn interesting!”
Behind Julius, the focus on the greenscreen shifts to the Proving Ground logo.
Julius: “On the other side of this motherfucking coin, you had Myojin, Shawn Warstein, and Indy Darling. Now Myo and Warstein had some prior shit between them going into this one, which made it an already difficult match to call, but throw in my boy, Indy, and it only made things harder to prophesize. Having some title holders and established main-eventers in this motherfucker didn’t hurt either.”
The greenscreen zooms out again so that both logos can be seen clearly.
Julius: “So while both motherfuckers were hard to call, it’s hard not to give the edge in sheer fan-interest to those motherfuckers on Proving Ground. Vickie Strader may be my favorite titty-bar wing-woman, but she’s still new on the block. Kasey is as fine as a hit off my peace pipe, but she’s only recently come back from some time off. As for Jason Long, his biggest impact to date was his motherfucking twitter ban. Stack that up against the well-established Myojin, tag champ Warstein, and X-Factor champ Indy, and even my bloodshot eyes can see the motherfucking outcome clearly. Fan interest and established star power gives round one to Proving Ground, motherfuckers!”
On the greenscreen behind Julius, we are shown clips from some of the action between Strader, Winterborn, and Long.
Julius: “In round two we’re gonna take a look at what went down in these motherfuckers. On Fallout, it didn’t take long for a steel chair to come into play and at times it seemed like those crazy motherfuckers were spending more time outside of the ring than in it! Before you can say “class-action lawsuit”, they were in the motherfucking crowd going at each other like a fat man at the Golden Corral! And speaking of all you can eat, these three motherfuckers even ended up in catering! If my ebony ass hadn’t already eaten, I’d have been one pissed off motherfucker, motherfuckers! Poor Vickie went through a pair of tables, Jason Long actually ate some cherry pie instead of just talking about the motherfucker, and Kasey successfully sent the hungry crew off to the goddamn McDonald’s drive-through!”
Behind Julius, the footage from Fallout comes to an end before switching over to scenes from Proving Ground’s Triple Threat offering.
Julius: “Now this shit was nothing to scoff at, motherfuckers! The back-and-forth action was top notch, fast-paced, and kept motherfuckers on the edge of their seats. There were some last minute saves that kept things going, and after a particularly brutal tandem counter by Myojin and Warstein, Indy went through the match looking like he’d been bobbing for apples in a motherfucking ketchup factory! This shit was hard-hitting to the surprise of absolutely no one, and there were a couple of false finishes that brought the motherfucking fans to their feet! So I ain’t sleeping on this match, because it was excellent from start to finish, but I happen to like my Triple Threats with extra cherry pie, so I give the slight edge to Fallout for bell-to-bell action! For breaking the boundaries of the ring, round two goes to Fallout, motherfuckers!”
This time the greenscreen presents logos of both shows along with images of Kasey Winterborn and Shawn Warstein over their respective brands.
Julius: “Kasey Winterborn walked out of Fallout with a win over her two opponents, but where does she go now? It looks like she’s going to the same place that Shawn Warstein is heading, and that’s the motherfucking Wargames Match at The Crowning! With that in mind, which of these two triumphant motherfuckers gives their brand the edge...I hate that fucking word...gives their brand the advantage in best Triple Threat Match of the week? It’s a tough call since they both have momentum on their side, but with half of that tag team gold around his waist, I give the slight nod to Shawn motherfucking Warstein. Not only does he have momentum for his next match, but he showed all the other tag teams that Legacy is still a threat, even when James Raven is busy doing whatever James Raven does! That gives Proving Ground’s Triple Threat two rounds against Fallout’s one. I hate to go against my brand, but I gotta keep the motherfucking ‘Fair’ part of my name intact! So congratulations on having The Weatherman’s Storm Warning Match of the Week, Proving Ground! Enjoy that shit while you can, motherfuckers!”
THE WEATHERMAN’S STORM WARNING MATCH OF THE WEEK
Julius: “Don’t like my decision? Got a problem with my motherfucking criteria?”
Julius opens one of the drawers on his desk, briefly digs for something, and eventually holds up a thimble for the camera.
Julius: “Cry into this, motherfuckers, cause I don’t give a goddamn! Now let’s take a break to hear from another sponsor, but stay tuned for Fairweather’s Fab Four, coming up next!”
Julius tosses the thimble over his shoulder as the camera pans out to show the studio audience applauding on cue...
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As the ad begins, we see a man and a woman sitting on their sofa, clearly overcome with boredom.
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There is a knock at the door, which makes the man and woman perk up with excited expressions. After giving each other a brief glance similar to what you would expect from a pair of children on Christmas morning, they leap up from their sofa and race toward the door.
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The couple open their door to reveal a bearded man dressed in green garb, not unlike what you might see on a girl scout. He hands them a brown paper bag with a smile on his face, as they pass over a wad of cash.
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The ad closes with the couple on either side of their friendly DopeDasher, their apartment now shrouded in a hazy fog of smoke.
Narrator: “DopeDash is a proud member of the Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather Better Business Association.”
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Julius: “Mmm-mmm-mmm...now that was a tasty sponsor! It almost makes me want to move my ass to Canada! I’d also like to thank DopeDash for hooking up my audience with some free samples! So while the fine motherfuckers in the studio are rolling up their goodie bags, I’m going to present the next part of the show, a little number I like to call “Fairweather’s Fab Four”! Just like last time, I’m gonna choose two stars from Fallout and two stars from Proving Ground, and then I’m gonna tell you why they are the ones to watch! First up, representing Proving Ground, is the mystery woman known only as The Dragon Lady!”
Julius: “Now I’ve put myself in a motherfucking corner here, because what can I say about this impressive newcomer that’s different from what everyone else knows? Not a hell of a lot to be honest, but then again, I never claimed to be a journalist like some skinny motherfuckers up in this place. As for The Dragon Lady, she is indeed mysterious, but she’s also impressive in that ring, as Euan Hill could attest. Their match was for a spot in the Legacy Chamber, and when it was all over, The Dragon Lady had claimed that spot for herself. Now she has a chance to win some highly sought-after championship gold in Project: Honor in only her second match with the company. Whether you like it or not, that’s an impressive feat that yours truly cannot ignore. So because of the implications your debut could bring, welcome to the Fab Four, Dragon Lady! Congrats, motherfucker!”
Julius: “From the mystery woman on Proving Ground to Fallout’s dark daredevil, Daniel motherfucking Horror! Unlike the previous member of my Fab Four, Daniel has been around for a while now and he’s seen his share of setbacks in the company so far. One important motherfucking thing to consider, is that he had those setbacks before the creation of a little thing we like to call Fallout! Now I’m a “no rules” kind of guy myself, but if there was a guy on the roster that Fallout was perfect for, it’s our boy Daniel! Something tells me he’s gonna find some of that success he’s been looking for on Fallout, and his win over that hairless mute magician is just the first step! So welcome to my Fab Four, Daniel Horror, and congratulations motherfucker!”
Julius: “Save the hate mail, motherfuckers! I know this is only my second episode, and I have now put two members of Big Drip in my Fab Four. Now you can bet your ass that I was all ready to put the much prettier picture of Sauce’s opponent on the screen for this episode, but somehow this grown-up dumpster baby pulled off the upset win. Not only that, but he was all over Proving Ground with T.J. 's Celebration, crashing Callum Walker’s Crowning announcements, and even making a cameo at the beginning of an Ozymandias interview! While one appearance of Yung Sauce may be too much for most, his IEP says his ass has to be on the show as often as his peers, so it is what it is. Enjoy your stay on the Fab Four while it lasts, Yung Sauce, and congrats motherfucker!”
Julius: “Hide your steroids, it’s Sports Entertainment Express! Technically, I’m breaking my own rules by including both of these motherfuckers in my Fab Four, but it’s my show so kiss my beautiful ass if you don’t like it! No, these motherfuckers aren’t the poster boys for your community’s D.A.R.E. program. They aren’t the stars of a new Adult Swim program either. What they are is the cocaine-fueled fantasy of a 13-year-old come to life! They kill mimes in their free time, which makes me as giddy as a granny with ganja in her brownie batter! They also managed to get past The Two-Toned Mafia in what many considered to be an upset victory, including yours truly! So for an impressive debut and for not stealing the stash out of my locker, welcome to the Fab Four, Terry Marshall and Space Lord. Congrats, motherfuckers!”
The graphics fade from the screen, as we are greeted with a close-up of Julius behind his desk.
Julius: “And that just about does it for another edition of Fairweather’s Fab Four! Almost. Just because it’s my show and I can do whatever the fuck I want, I’ve decided to add something a little special to the end of my Fab Four. This final spot is reserved for the motherfucker that straight-up pissed me off this week. Think of it as the opposite of being a Motherfucking Friend of Fairweather. It’s a little something I like to call, The F Grade! And earning the first ever failing grade from yours truly is something called the motherfucking Left Hand!”
Julius: “I could have chosen the shithead behind the counter at Verizon who was too busy taking a 20 minute break to fix my motherfucking phone. I could have chosen the motherfucker that almost sideswiped my Caddy on the highway with his piece of shit Honda. I even could have chosen James motherfucking Edgebrook just for being a pimple on my beautiful backside! But instead, the one motherfucker that managed to really burn my ass this week was Zack Tyler and his goat-loving friends in the Left Hand.”
Julius takes a moment to shake his head in frustration and disbelief.
Julius: “How does a motherfucker get his ass beat in a dark match and somehow decide it’s a good idea to call out one of the motherfuckers in the main event? Do you see me shooting at Elena DeDraco after Bruce McLeod took me down before the show? Hell no, motherfucker! Some might say that’s having balls of steel, but I say it’s like trying to skip grade school to join the senior class. And what the ever-loving motherfuck is this Left Hand shit anyway? We’ve already got Cthulhu up in this bitch, and now we’ve got goat-boy’s legion of lefties? How many segments of a show does it take to tell everyone that you like drinking Kool-Aid in the nude while listening to Judas Priest backwards? Was your Dungeons and Dragons game cancelled, motherfucker?”
Julius mimics rolling a pair of dice in his hand before wrapping up his rant.
Julius: “So congratulations, motherfucker, you earned yourself an honorable mention on the shit list. It’s like they say in countries around the world, eat with your right hand, because the Left Hand is used to wipe your motherfucking backside.”
Julius turns from the camera after finishing his presentation of the F Grade, giving a bright smile to the secondary camera on the opposite side.
Julius: “If you were hoping that this was your week to get recognized by “The Most Suave Motherfucker on Twitter” and you didn’t make the cut, try harder, motherfuckers! Now we’re gonna take another short break, but stay tuned for our special in-studio guest, Matt Knox, along with my final segment for the night, The F-Bomb! First, here’s a special look at something we’re all looking forward to...The Crowning!”
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The screen remains mostly dark as the ad begins, with nothing to accompany the picture but the faint sound of a heart monitor...
*Beep Beep*
Slowly, the darkness is penetrated by an outline of sterile white light illuminating the edges of a doorframe...
Narrator: “The time has almost come…”
*Beep Beep*
Narrator: “The wait is nearly over…”
*Beep Beep*
Narrator: “All of your hard work...the precautions you’ve taken...the joy you’ve experienced...is about to pay off. The Crowning is upon you.”
Man: “Is...is that what I think it is?”
Doctor: “Yes, the head is crowning, I’m afraid you’ll need to step back…”
Man: “But doctor...is it supposed to be so large...so...misshapen?”
Doctor: “My god...I’ve never seen anything like this…”
The shrill scream of a woman in pain erupts as the camera gets closer and closer to the door at the end of the hallway.
Jim Ross: “As God is my witness, she’s been broken in half!”
Suddenly the camera shoots forward, forcing the door open to release a burst of white light that envelopes the screen. Seconds later, a demonic-looking newborn rockets out of the light and toward the camera, its deformed flesh covered in gore and its open mouth bearing a pair of wicked fangs.
Narrator: “This winter, from horror mastermind Stephen King and director Sam Raimi, comes the delivery you’ve been waiting 9 months for. Starring Emma Stone, Bradley Cooper, Bruce Campbell as paranormal pediatrician Dr. Bartholomew Crowne, and Samuel L. Jackson as the voice of the infant antichrist...witness The Crowning. Hail to the king...baby.”
*Beeeeeeppp*
Narrator: “In theaters February 14th, 2021. Rated R.”
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Following the advertisement, we return to the studio where Julius is presenting a bewildered look for the camera. He holds his stare for a few moments as his jaw hangs open, as if unsure of what to say following the commercial he’s just seen. Finally, he manages to shake off his disbelief.
Julius: “Somebody in marketing’s about to get their ass fired. Oh well, antichrist or not, my ass is gonna be at The Crowning pay-per-view, and yours should too. You dig?”
Julius turns his chair to face the second camera, giving his head a few shakes to overcome what he’s just seen. Beside his face, a graphic for The F-Bomb appears on the screen.
Julius: “As we wind down this episode of The F-Word, it’s time once again to share a few moments of reflection with you, my Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather. This week, the letter F stands for Friendship. Don’t go lookin’ at me like that! I didn’t stutter!”
Julius glares at the camera for a few seconds, letting the viewers at home know that he’s being completely serious.
Julius: “Friendship is something none of us should take for granted, even when there’s a chance that we might be going to war against someone we consider to be a friend. It’s something even I might have to face when The Crowning rolls around, and I know I ain’t the only motherfucker in that situation. Some of us may be on Fallout with friends on Proving Ground. Maybe friends will have to face each other inside that Legacy Chamber or in the Wargames Match. Just maybe, Seth Blackheart, Dylan Gates, Angel Ramirez, and Euan Hill are poker buddies on your average Tuesday night. Based on the kind of match they’re in, Drago Santiago and John Nash Strader might even be more than friends.”
Once again, Julius takes a brief pause, this time to cock an eyebrow and give a questioning expression.
Julius: “But Rock Johnson? His rich ass don’t give a flying fuck off the tip of my sugar-coated pleasure stick whether we’re friends, lovers, or family. All that beautiful bastard cares about is that we bring the pain live on pay-per-view. And friendship or not, that’s exactly what we’re all gonna do.”
During this dramatic pause, Julius shakes his head as if he’s disappointed at the thought of friends going to war against each other.
Julius: “Just remember, when the smoke clears and the dust settles, there’s still a chance to keep those friendships intact on the other side. It’s like a wise motherfucker once said, “Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to pain.” So to all the Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather out there, remember that if you’re not a pain in my ass, I won’t be a pain in yours.”
Julius turns back toward the main camera, his wide smile displayed prominently once again.
Julius: “That’s all the time we have for this week, motherfuckers. I’d like to apologize to “The motherfucking Raven” Matt Knox for bumping him off the show this week, and we’ll try to have his ass on again real soon. Until then, just remember, you’ve got a Fairweather Friend in me. Goodnight, motherfuckers!”
The camera begins to pull back as Julius and Winston exchange a complex series of fist bumps upon the completion of their latest episode. Behind them, catgirls Candy and Bambi playfully paw at each other while the crowd cheers in approval. Finally, the thick haze hanging above the studio is all we can see, as the F-Word reaches its conclusion.
If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:
J. Fairweather
1469 Jackson Rd.
Indianapolis, Indiana 46201
