Post by Tyrant Warstein on Jan 19, 2021 9:26:13 GMT -5
Chapter 7: Fighting Demons
“Say it again…”
Her sapphire eyes peering through the eyelids that are slowly closing. As her elbow recoils back from jamming me in the rib cage. I can’t say that I wasn’t annoyed, but I just couldn’t resist cracking a slight smile. I have no clue what goes on in her mind at times like this. When everything is up in the air. I stopped fighting for myself and found something else to continue to fight for.
“I love you. More than yesterday.” I rolled over completely and pulled her close. She nestled in the crook under my arm and dragged the opposite one over, grasping my hand tightly. Her thumb running back and forth on the backside of my hand, bruised and slightly swollen from punching a brick wall earlier this evening. The pressure from her hand dulled the pain for a moment. It wasn’t long before I was trapped inside of her sleep death grip. I slowly close my eyes and drift off myself.
The rattling sounds of a few branches along the window sill startles me awake. As I sit up Atara grabs the leftover blankets and rolls to her side.
“Couldn’t even wait until I even got out of the bed could you?” I half mutter under my breath. Kicking my feet out over the edge of the bed and slide my feet into a pair of slippers and stumble towards the window. A cool gust of air blows past me, sending a shiver down my spine. I reach out a snap off the twigs and toss them to the ground below. Leaving the window open slightly as I take a step towards the bed, when the rattling is heard again.
“What the fuck?” Exasperated I checked the window again, but nothing. Then the rattling is heard again, only this time it’s coming from the bathroom. With a quick eye roll I shuffle towards the bathroom. The door closes as I flip the light switch on. Nothing seems out of the ordinary. Turning the faucet I let the water fill the bowl, as the rattling is heard again.
“Just take a deep breath Shawn…” One deep inhale, and a cough on the exhale. I splash water in my face. Droplets fall into the pool of water.
“You know they did this to you.” A voice echoes in the bathroom. I quickly spin around, finding nothing.
“Don’t let them get away with this. Don’t let them do this to us…” As my head turns a sense of dread falls over me. My shoulders get heavy and it feels like there is a massive weight on my chest. Breathing becomes more difficult as I gasp for air as my vision gets blurry. I stare in the mirror, trying my hardest to adjust my eyes.
“You know what you’re going to do in all of this, just walk away. They said it themselves...The descent has started.” Frantically I rub my eyes, only to fail at regaining my view. “One loss leads to another, and then another. Before you realize it you’re spiraling out of control.” The voice continues. “You’ve been here. You know what comes next. Quit playing like you don’t. Same ole pathetic Shawn. At the first sign of struggle you run away.”
“FUCK YOU!” I growled while tensing up and slamming my good hand on the marble countertop.“SHUT UP!!”
“Always the aggressor, never the finisher. Is that why you couldn’t lift up a hundred and thirty five pound woman and touch four posts? Like I said pathetic.” I force my eyes closed. Clearly a vain effort to silence the voice. “Look at what you’re going up against this week, two people clearly ahead of you, and you know it. Myo is on the warpath for revenge. You know they just want to smother the life out of you. It’s going to be easy for them too. Revenge is a great tool. It gives them something to fight for other than…” The voice pauses for a moment and scoffs. “Family. There is nothing for you to gain here, but they do. Even a small semblance of anything to gain is more than what you have. What are you going to use to motivate yourself? Huh?” Deep down I knew what this voice was talking about. Whenever I get pushed to the edge I have to swing back.
“Not going to happen. Revenge for some misconceived slight is nothing more than a crutch.” I lean my elbows on the countertop fighting to keep my breath.
“You would think that. You being the martyr all the time. You’re the king of taking the smallest things and blowing them way out of proportion. You think the world is against you when it isn’t , and when you finally get your way…” A loud snapping sound is heard that causes me to jump and snap my neck to look around quickly. “You revert back to wallowing in your own self pity. You drown yourself in a bottle, lash out, and crash. This isn’t the first time, but it could be your last.”
“Stop it!” My voice cracked as I continued to gasp trying to catch my breath. What was once a growl has become a sad pathetic whimpering.
“You know you can’t do this without me. It’s called destiny.” It was a cliche that has been said in many movies over the years but rings just as true here and now. “Just pause for a moment and just think about everything. Is this what Myo is doing? What about Indy? Do you think he’s sitting back and resting on his laurels? Is he walking around telling everyone that he’s better than them? No. You know it. I know it. The world knows it. Right now he’s probably watching tape of your past matches. Learning. Growing. Finding your weakness. And we all know there are many of them, but look at yourself. Holding a bottle in one hand and knowing that the bottom of it isn’t going to solve your issue.”
“N—N—Not now…” Finally my vision begins to clear. I stand still staring at my own reflection in the mirror. My eyes sunken, bloodshot and my skin a light shade of pink. I reached down into the sink and once again splash water, but something strange happened. My reflection…It didn’t move. It’s eyes just followed me as I hunched over.
“Cowardice.” The voice calls to me again, as I lift my head to face my reflection. “What happened to you? To us? We used to be so… dominant. Now…” The voice scoffs and chortles. “Now you’re exactly where we thought we would be all those months ago. Broken. Beaten. And on the verge of breaking completely. So tell me Shawn…” I begin to growl, and tense up my hand, curling my damaged hand into a fist. The pain that should be there is nonexistent. “Was she worth it? Is she worth losing your edge? Is she everything she promised to b—“
“Yes.”I once again growled.
“Really? Is that so? She’s shown you exactly what she is. Have you even asked her if she’s told her family that you two are back together? We all know how much they love and adore the junkie around their daughter…” My reflection smiles crookedly and tilts its head. “Do you think I forgot what that bitch did to me? To us?”
“It was for the good of both of us…” I hang my head once again keeping the rhythm of breathing steady.
“You sure about that?” A condescending tone followed by a snort. “If it was for the best, why am I still here? Should she have not already vanquished this demon? Should you not be free of my influence? You’re spiraling out of control. You of all people. The man with all the roads mapped out. The man with an answer for everything. Look at you. Weak. Pitiful. Crawling for acceptance. Where did that get you? Huh? All your friends… all of your ‘family’... They will all desert you the second they see the real you. Then you can come to grips with the fact you and I are one. This is your destiny.”
“No.” I said in a soft tone.
“No? Buddy, it’s already happening.” Once again a cold shiver goes down my spine. “Don’t fight destiny. Embrace it.” The cold calculating tone caused something to snap. No longer was I content to just sit there and listen to the ramblings of my own inner psyche. I clenched my damaged hand into a fist. Swung with such a heavy hand and shattered the mirror on the wall. My hand recoils as shrapnel cascades down from the wall and litters the floor.
An imprint of my fist sits nestled in the drywall, as droplets of blood fall towards the ground. The commotion must’ve woken Atara from her slumber, as she rushed into the bathroom. Seeing the blood beginning to pool on the floor frantically she searches for a towel and wraps my hand.
“What happened Dove?” She asked while putting pressure on my hand.
“I must’ve slipped…” A lie if there was ever one, thankfully she knows me better than that.
“Right. So you just happened to slip on the dry floor, fell fist first into the mirror, and continued to stand here dazed like a creep?” See. She knows me better than almost anyone.
“It’s—It’s nothing I can’t deal with.” I glance down to her as she looks up at me. Her blue eyes bring me a sense of calm and comfort.
“Well you don’t have to deal with it by yourself.” A reassuring tone from my goddess as she stands and grabs me by either side of my head. “Not anymore.”
“I know.”She pulls me in and holds me tightly.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”
Listen or don’t, it won’t matter in the end.
“Anything that is broken can be fixed again. Through hard work, motivation and, above all else, time.”
I have a very large ego, that is difficult to quell. I know that when I step between those ropes I’m good at what I do. Dare I say Legendary. Yet I wouldn’t have spent nearly two decades doing it if I didn’t truly believe that in my heart. I’ve usually done it on my own, and with varying degrees of success. Lately I’ve been on another level. Why is that? I’ve asked myself this question so many times over these past few months.
And it’s really simple.
I have surrounded myself with people who are better than myself. I know, a crushing realization to my own ego, but it’s the truth. My partner here James Raven is quite literally the G.O.A.T., and well we all have seen where that has led us here in Project Honor.
My own son, Noah Jackson has more natural ability that almost anyone I’ve ever encountered. Is it genetics? Or is it something else entirely? And his best friend, and James’ protégé, Jackson Hart has taken to this industry faster than even myself. Racking up accolade after accolade. To Betsy. A woman hellbent on tearing down and shattering all expectations set upon her. And finally my Atara. A goddess if there ever was one. With just a smile she can disarm even the strongest of competition. With a golden girdle already around her waist, there’s nothing she can’t accomplish.
So why did I just explain how everyone I associate with is the crème de la crème? Because in order to understand what I am, you need to know who I associate with outside of these walls. You need to know that while your bubble is cool…. mine is all encompassing. Soon there won’t be a day that goes by that you won’t learn to fear the name Legacy.
Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but one day it will happen and on that day you’ll know exactly where I’m coming from.
So that brings us to Proving Ground and the triple threat match that not a single soul on earth wanted to see, but they had to fill out a match card.
Hmmm….
So where do I begin? Or better yet… who do I begin with? On one hand there is the person who I won’t even name and on the other there’s a person who I don’t know who they really are.
Decisions, decisions.
Well then let’s just go from the top of the dome and see where that leads to.
I Lost.
There I said it. I lost and there’s nothing else to say about that. I pissed away my opportunity to gain the Legacy Title, and at this point it is what it is. Elena brought her best to the table that night. I’m not so fucking dense to know that shit like that can happen. Yet the resounding opinion seems to be that I sulked and ran away not acknowledging her victory. While the rest of you were busy being shocked in the back I congratulated her on a hard fought victory and wished her nothing but the best moving forward.
But I’m the Asshole right?
I’m the one that acts childish.
I’m the one that will open his mouth to the point where I should really just shut the fuck up before I dig a hole that I can’t possibly get out of.
Oh well.
Say something to me… don’t expect me to not respond. That’s just what is going to happen. I don’t back down from anyone. It doesn’t matter who they think they are. I have no problem calling your dumbass out on the hypocritical statements. I don’t constantly bitch, moan and complain, like some others. Regardless of what people think about me, I get it. I understand how everything works. But since metaphors seem to go over people’s heads.
Fuck You Myo.
Fuck You Indy.
Is that enough on point for everyone? Are we all on the same page now? Is that going to be enough? Nah, but it sure as fuck is a nice spot to start everything off right?
So I’ll start with the person I’ve actually shared a ring with. Myo, how are you feeling? Still upset about what happened the last time?
It’s okay I know you are. I’m sure that you want to get some modicum of revenge against me, but that’s just the story of my career. I beat someone, they start some sort of blood feud, and I don’t even realize it’s going on. Not because I’m ignorant to the fact that you don’t like me, but because I move forward after each match.
See that? It’s called moving forward. Yet just for you I mentioned my last match.
People for some reason seem to think that because I keep it moving that means losses don’t affect me, they do, just like they do to you Myo. I heard you wallowing in your own self pity…
“I’m the weak link.”
Key word in there ‘I’m’... you took the loss as a personal affront, when it was a TEAM. You are just as responsible as…. What's their name?
Callback.
I guess that’s the major difference between the two of us. While you think of yourself as the weak link, I partnered with someone where there are no weak links. I’ll prove that once again on Proving Ground. I’m going to beat you yet again.
Notice that I said beat, not win. You wanted to continue to talk shit when you didn’t think I’d be listening and there’s only one thing that can happen because of that. In this industry there’s only two things that can possibly happen. You either step up or step out.
So go ahead and paint me as the villain. I don’t mind. Whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better and sleep at night. Myo when the bell rings I’ve only got eyes for you. I told you last time that you didn’t want this side of me to come out.
Congratulations. You did it! You’re the one. You should feel special. If an enemy of mine, of twenty years, couldn’t do it, you should feel a certain type of way.
Mainly afraid.
You just opened up a door that hopefully I’ll be able to close when this whatever this is done. It’s been so long since I let the demon out.
I know what you’re thinking right now…. Demon? How original.
I don’t mean demon as in a soldier from hell. I mean a demon as in a part of my psyche where I turn off all empathy and emotions. Where even if the rules are just a formality. As long as I’m making you bleed, nothing else matters. You should’ve just let sleeping dogs.
Yet you couldn’t. You feel as if I slighted you. Personally. Well again I don’t give a fuck about you or your feelings. Just be careful and keep an eye out for a needle coming your way. Psst…. I’m aiming for your fucking eye.
Maybe then you’ll actually see things for what they really are, and what’s that?
You choosing to call something into question when you have no clue what the fuck your talking about. I’m the one that beat you. I’m the one with gold around my waist. I’m the one that you are desperately chasing. It’s just too bad I don’t think you’re worth my time. As I said earlier, step up or step out.
Now it’s time for you to step up to the plate slugger.
Come on down Indy.
Now I know that you haven’t always had a father figure in your life, so it’s okay to look to me as that fill in replacement for that gaping hole in your heart.
“Pa-pa!”
It’s just I’m going to treat you like the red headed stepchild you are. You are by far the most overrated…
No that would mean you’re rated in some way.
The most gassed…
Nah that would mean you had the juice.
I’ll just say this to you Indy, there is going to be a point in your career where you’re going to need to make a choice.
Do you continue to follow the trends?
Or do you set them?
I’ve been there man. Always wanting everyone to notice me, so I did what was popular… well in my case vile, but that’s not the point. The point is I always wanted to get the crowd to their feet. I wanted them to see me and think about what could possibly come next. How will I continue to shatter their expectations.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…
Their opinion doesn’t matter.
The only opinion that matters is the one you set for yourself. Yours seems to be misguided. You want to follow. You might as well join the Left Hand with that kind of thinking process. You seem like an okay guy.
I mean that.
You have gold around your waist, something Myo can’t claim. You have this innate drive about you that honestly makes me slightly envious. Then I sit back and think about it for a mere second and realize you’re nothing more than a monkey out there for the enjoyment of the fans.
You live and breathe for their affection. It’s a high for you isn’t it? Hoping to bust a nut bigger than the last time. To blow the roof off of the building. To hear the roar of the crowd as you get ready to do something they haven’t seen on a stage this large before. We might as well call you Jason, for how you thirst for adulation of the fans. Sooner or later you’re going to realize their thoughts and opinions mean nothing. While you sit there waiting for the next big thing to steal from. Watching intently for the ebbs and flows of what the mainstream wants to see from you.
I’ll sit back knowing, I’m going to be okay.
While you’re going to be sitting, anxiously waiting for the fans to tell you when it’s okay to breathe again.
Stop being a sheep to the masses.
You’re fundamentally broken. You can be fixed. You can be salvaged. All it’s going to take is time.
It’s okay Indy, cancer be damned. Light it up and inhale that smoke. It’ll all be over before you know it, then…..
You can breathe again.
Several Days Later.
“Let’s get back to the first time.”
The therapist sat across from me. It’s the same office I’ve been going to for the better part of a year. The diplomas hanging on the walls, window blinds half open showing the view of the city in the background. It’s a normalish set up, desk on one side, couch and a chair on the other, surrounded by bookcases. Her chair is large and looks comfortable, well more so than the glorified futon I’m currently laying on. She adjusts her glasses and begins to scribble inside of her notebook.
“What is there to tell?” I sigh and just shake my head. “For so long I’ve tried to block that day out. Every time I think about it, the second I reach that door, it all goes black.”
The therapist sets the notebook down on a side table and leans forward. She taps me on the forehead.
“If you ever want to get rid of these demons and thoughts, you’ve got to make an effort. That’s why you’re here right?” I shrug as she continues. “If you’re not here to face your past, then why are you really here?”
“I want to, it’s just difficult.” I grab my wrapped hand and squeeze it tightly. “I want to, but I’m afraid that if I do that, it’s going to lead down a path that I don’t want to go down again.”
“And what’s that?” She leans back in her chair as I begin to drum my fingers on my good hand across the backside on my other hand.
“I know what happens if I let everything come back. The feelings of helplessness. Being alone not sure if she’s going to live or die. Watching the cops all talk about me in hushed tones as if I can’t hear them, or know that they are talking about the kid who walked in on…” I trail off. It’s the one memory that I wish to no longer replay.
“Keep going. This is what we are here for.” The therapist says in a reassuring tone. “You have to keep going.”
“The kid who walked in…” I stop and look at the therapist with an ashamed look across my face. She gives me a gentle nod. “A kid who walked in on his mother…” I close my eyes tightly. “His mother laying there on the ground, blue and barely breathing.”
“I know this is hard, but you need to press forward. This is going to be cathartic.” The calmness of her voice allows me to continue on.
“I rushed towards her. I can still feel how cold she felt. It was like ice. I was only eleven. I didn’t know what to do. I reached for the phone and called for help.” Tears begin to well up in my eyes. “She was just laying there and I was helpless. I couldn’t do anything, I was frozen with fear. That’s when I saw it.” My hands begin to tremble and I bite my bottom lip. Through gritted teeth I continue. “A needle half in my mother’s arm. Dangling there, pulling the skin up, and only half depressed.”
“Did you know that your mother had a problem?” The therapist asked while setting her notepad aside.
“I mean yeah, I guess. It wasn’t always like that. Once my dad left things took a turn for the worse. She just always seemed so strong. As if nothing ever bothered her and she made sure we were taken care of and that we always had a roof over our heads.” A deep swallow and furrowed brow. “It never registered that something changed. Everything around us was the same, but I guess her demons won.”
“There you have it.”The therapist snaps her fingers and jumps back in her chair.
“What?” I said as I quickly sat up from the futonish couch.
“You just said HER demons won. Yet they didn't?” She smiles wildly and it’s a little off putting.
“Well I guess not.” It took me longer than I had hoped to realize what she was saying.
“Your mother, despite all of her demons and inner turmoil, fought back. She’s still here with us isn’t she?” A self assured look beams from her face.
“Yeah.” I've told her before that my mother is living in my house in San Francisco enjoying her twilight years.
“Well if she can beat her demons, why are you so hung up on yours? You did bad things in the past, but you’re not that person. You’ve grown beyond that. You know it. I know it. She knows it.” She is very enthusiastic about getting us to this revelation.
“But why….” I couldn’t finish my statement before I was cut off.
“This isn’t a black and white situation Shawn. You witnessed a massive trauma. You constantly fought to get back to that point. Only you were willing to sacrifice everything you had become.”
“That’s not entir—-” I again try to dodge the answers with what actually happened, but so rudely I was caught off guard again.
“It is. That’s why you became something that you’re not.”
“Maybe that’s what I am.” Finally I was able to finish my statement. What if I WAS supposed to be him more than Shawn?
“You think of yourself as a monster, but you’re not. You’re human. Just look at your life. Even with all the bad things you’ve done, there has always been someone to see the real you. The man you’re supposed to be. They see past everything, and what they see is that boy leaning over his mother trying to help in a helpless situation.”
“....”I didn’t know how to respond.
“Shawn you are what you’re supposed to be. Jules saw past Fuzz. Noah sees past Fuzz. Atara sees only Shawn.”
“What if—” A deep swallow and she took that as an invitation to keep going.
“No, Shawn you’re missing the point. Over the past twenty years you’ve built these walls to keep people out from seeing the real you. The real you, with flaws, feelings, and hope. Why else even with everything you’ve been through, why do you protect them?”
“Because they…”Need it, I finished as she once again talked over me.
“It’s not because they can’t. It’s because you don’t want them to feel as you did that day. You couldn’t protect your own mother, so you turn around and protect everyone that gets close to you. It’s why Jacob is always with his mother. It’s why even after Noah leapt from that cage, you weren’t concerned with yourself. It’s why every time she asks, you say the words.”
“...” This woman is starting to make some sense.
“Shawn you are not Fuzz. You never have been. Fuzz was always the mask you wore so people would leave you alone.”
“Then why is he still here?” I have fought for so long to distance myself from him, but he’s always thrown in my face at every turn.
“He’s not.”
“I saw him the other night.” We had talked about that night over the phone while setting up this session.
“No you didn’t. What you saw was the real Shawn fighting. This persona that you’ve cultivated was never YOU. You have proven that but letting people in. You allowed them to make their own decisions, and they haven’t run from you. Everyone you let in, they are still there. Jules still cares about you, why else would she be so protective of you? Atara cares about you, why else would she be waiting right outside that door for you? Noah cares. James, Betsy, Jackson… they all care. Once you see that Shawn…”
“What?” Maybe I’m wrong in all of this.
“When you see that for yourself, you’ll realize that Fuzz is gone and has been for a while. It’s just your subconscious trying to poke holes in your happiness.”
“He blames her.” He always wanted her out of the picture, from the carnival to today. He was never happier than when she left the last time.
“I know. He says that you’re weak right?”
“Yeah.” He thinks that we are better off without her, but I don’t think so. There’s nothing wrong with having someone by your side at all times. She might be the one.
“Shawn listen to yourself. You know that you’re not weak. All of this comes down to one thing only. Love. The persona known as Fuzz doesn’t want love. Shawn does, but guess what?”
“Huh?” She is the one.
“Only one of them is sitting right here. Shawn you know what you have to do next right?”
“Yeah.” I can’t. She’ll say no, and I can’t risk losing her again.
“Good.” She looks at the clock and lets out a slight sigh. “Well that looks like our time for today. Same time next week?”
“Yeah, maybe.” I stand up from the couch and give her a quick shrug™.
“Good. I like maybes, shows you’re getting there.”
We exchange a quick handshake and I walk out into the waiting room. There Atara is flipping through a magazine and a smile comes across my face. She looks up from her magazine and tosses it aside. Leaping up to her feet and grabbing me by the hand.
“Let’s go.” She shepards us out into the open parking lot and to the car. Sitting down in the driver's seat I look over to her and notice a new necklace dangling around her neck.
“That new?” I ask while pointing towards it.
“Well to me it is.” She reaches down and lifts the end up and holds it out. “To you, it’s something else entirely.”
Hanging there in the air is the pendant my dad gave me all those years ago. The inscription is clear as day. ‘Leave No Doubt- Dad’. A half smile from me and a wide grin from her.
“I know this means something to you… so now it means something to me.” She leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Now let’s get moving, we’ve got a contractor coming to your house to fix your little hissy fit.”
“Yeah… how about we let Noah deal with that today? And we just go somewhere just the two of us?” She quickly raised an eyebrow and nodded.
“What do you have in mind?” She poked me in the chest in a playful manner.
“We will figure that out when we get there, yeah?”
“Lead the way.” We both smile as I look away for a moment and only to meet her gaze once more before driving off towards our destination unknown.
This is usually when I’d put my own foot in my mouth, but I didn’t. I just grabbed her hand and looked deeply into her eyes and said the only thing that came to my mind.
Fade To Black.
