Post by Furious Julius Fairweather on Jan 13, 2021 18:32:43 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER
The views expressed by Julius Fairweather do not reflect the opinions of Project: Honor, Rock Johnson, or any member of our staff or roster. Contrary to popular belief, Mr. Fairweather does not possess incriminating pictures of Ed Wheeler, Callum Walker, Christian DeMarco, or any other highly-respected member of the Project: Honor staff. His pictures of Caden Young are neither our concern nor our responsibility. The F Word with Julius Fairweather was filmed in Reno, Nevada in front of a live studio audience.
As the graphics morph away to reveal a studio set and “Stuck in the Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel begins to fade out, we hear the deep voice of Winston Winfield welcoming us to the show. Standing on a small stage with golden curtains behind him, the middle-aged emcee with a gray pencil moustache booms into an old-fashioned microphone.
WINSTON WINFIELD: “Ladies and gentlemen, Rock Johnson is proud to present your favorite new show, exclusive to Project: Honor...The Final Word! Join us, as we take a look at the impact players from both Proving Ground and Fallout, as well as the matches that had everyone talking on Saturday morning. Does James Edgebrook make you want to open your wrists? Do Trey Booker and J.T. Price make you want to drink bleach? Are Kayden Ellis and Alara Adams the cure for your insomnia? Have no fear, because your host for ‘The F Word’ is one suave motherfucker who has a duty to please your booty! He is the Weatherman...he is The Shepherd of Lost Souls...he is simply Furious...and the first syllable of his name is always on the lips of Caden Young...please welcome...Juuuuulius Fairrrrrweatherrrr!”
With a wide grin on his face, Julius bursts through the golden curtains hanging behind Winston Winfield and cheerfully approaches the announcer. The two men exchange a complex series of fist bumps and hand slaps before Julius turns his attention back to his unseen studio audience. He points to the crowd with a smile as they cheer his arrival, soaking up the applause for a few seconds. Then, with a sly wink and a wave of his hand, he encourages the camera to follow him as he moves across the stage toward a traditional desk and couch set-up. Julius straightens the jacket of his black suit before taking his place behind the desk, as Winston moves to the far end of the couch where he sits and crosses his legs like a proper gentleman. As the studio audience begin to quiet their cheers, Julius picks up a small stack of cue cards.
JULIUS: “What’s up, motherfuckers? Welcome to the first ever edition of The Fuck Word…”
WINSTON: “Ha ha! I think that’s “The Final Word”, Julius…”
The host of the show snaps his head toward his co-host and gives him a bug-eyed glare.
JULIUS: “I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing!”
Winston quietly clears his throat and adjusts his tie before falling silent as Julius holds his stare for a few seconds. Finally, his wide grin re-emerges as he turns back toward the studio audience.
JULIUS: “Now as I was saying, welcome to the first episode of my motherfucking show. Tonight we’re going to take a look back at a match from this week’s Proving ground, hand-selected by yours truly! Now I’m not just gonna pick any old match from the motherfucking show. I’m gonna pick a match that the commentary team just couldn’t get right! In addition to my bonus motherfucking commentary, I’m also going to tell you who the real power players are coming out of the latest show! Forget the Elite Five or the Top Ten or the Rock Johnson sucky-sucky club, and get ready for Fariweather’s Fab Four!”
WINSTON: “Ha ha! That sounds great, Julius! Tell us, do you have any set criteria for your Fab Four?”
JULIUS: “I’m glad you asked, motherfucker! As a matter of fact, I don’t! I’m just gonna pick two motherfuckers from each show and tell you why they entertained me this week!”
WINSTON: “Ha ha! I can’t wait, Julius! Will we be having any special guests on this show?”
Once again, the smile on Julius’ face quickly evaporates as he turns to glare at his co-host. Winston immediately begins to look uncomfortable once again.
JULIUS: “Motherfucker, I’m fixing to make like Caden Young and smoke your ass. Hell no, we won’t have guests! I’m the motherfucking host! Next to me, everyone else is boring as hell!”
WINSTON: “Heh...you are correct, sir. I...uh...was just wondering why we needed such a big couch…”
JULIUS: “Cause I might have to use it to cast some pretty young thing to take your place, motherfucker! Now shut your pasty white pie-hole and let me host this motherfucker!”
After a pregnant pause and an extended bug-eyed stare, Julius finally allows himself to smile as he turns back to face the camera.
JULIUS: “Now then, before we get into our bonus commentary and the Fab Four, I’m gonna start each show with a little nursery rhyme. As much as you motherfuckers would like to hear the smooth stylings of yours truly, I’ll be reading rhymes sent in by our viewers. This week’s Viewer’s Verse was sent in by little Shawn from North Cackalacky. I don’t know what in the blue hell little Shawn has been smokin’, but the little brother has a tight rhyme, so here we go...
“Hey diddle diddle, he gets more stoned than Matt Riddle,
And Matt Knox likes his nuggets when peeled,
Shawn Warstein laughed to see that shit,
And in the draft their fates were sealed.”
JULIUS: “Thank you for that little verse, motherfucker, but don’t quit your day job. Coming up next is my fine ass alternate commentary, but first, a word from one of our sponsors!”
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NARRATOR: “What happens when two polar opposites find themselves down on their luck and their only option for room and board is a couples-only apartment complex?”
We see a modestly decorated apartment, where Kimberly Chase sits on a couch with a glass of wine and a depressed expression on her face. The apartment door then opens, as Indy Darling walks in dressed in a cheap business suit and carrying a briefcase.
INDY DARLING: “Honey, I’m home!”
KIMBERLY CHASE: “Ugh...light a match and set yourself on fire….”
We then see their landlord, played by none other than Lil’ Petey, immediately follow Indy into the apartment.
KIMBERLY CHASE: “...fired up to see you, hon!”
* Cue laugh track as the scene changes *
NARRATOR: “Laughs ensue as enemies inside the ring must pretend to be a married couple to avoid living on the streets!”
Indy’s back is toward the screen as a disheveled Kimberly storms out of the bathroom with towels wrapped around her body and hair.
KIMBERLY CHASE: “Ugh...you disgusting little man...have you seen my toothbrush?”
Indy turns so that his back is towards Kimberly but the camera is able to see him holding the couple’s pug, Damon. The dog has the handle of a bejeweled toothbrush sticking out of his mouth.
INDY DARLING: “Um...nope, haven’t seen it!”
* Cue laugh track as the scene changes *
NARRATOR: “And how will this desperate odd-couple handle their nosy neighbors?”
We see Indy and Kimberly walking down the apartment hallway with Damon on a leash. Despite Kimberly wearing a high-end evening gown, and Indy in blue jeans and a tee shirt, both are covered from head to toe in mud and filth.
INDY DARLING: “You knew he was going to chase that stick through the mud! You knew it and you still threw it!”
KIMBERLY CHASE: “At least I was trying to help you up when you pulled me in, you disgusting little man!”
INDY DARLING: “You were trying to hold my head under!”
KIMBERLY CHASE: “Pfff...semantics.”
INDY DARLING: “I’ll give you semantics you stuck-up bit--”
The door to their neighboring apartment opens just as Indy is drawing back his open palm. Sticking out his upper head is their nosy neighbor, Mr. Hipple, who appears to be played by Yung Sauce for this episode…
INDY DARLING: “...bi---g beautiful eyes you have, my dear.”
MR. HIPPLE: “What are you kids arguing about out there?!”
Kimberly quickly grabs Indy in an awkward hug.
KIMBERLY CHASE: “Us? Arguing? Never!”
Mr. Hipple has a doubtful look on his face as he sticks his fist through the cracked open door and shakes it menacingly.
MR. HIPPLE: “You may have gotten away with it this time, Darlings, but I’ll be watching!”
NARRATOR: “Find out this spring when Kimberly Chase and Indy Darling star in America’s newest sitcom sensation, “Our Darling Family”! Tuesdays in March, only on the CW...Dare to Defy!”
A graphic for the show appears on the screen with a disheveled Kimberly staring daggers and an ambivalent Indy, while Damon the Pug sits innocently between them.
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JULIUS: “Well that looks like a steaming pile of horseshit, but if they want to be my sponsor, I’ll tell all you motherfuckers to watch it anyway! Now onto the next part of our show where I provide some alternate commentary to one of this week’s matches! It’s a little bit I like to call, “Say What Again, Motherfucker!” For Project: Honor’s Draft Show, I have selected the very first match of season two, a fucked up contest between two fucked up motherfuckers named Drago Santiago and Dex Griffin! Roll that beautiful battle footage!”
A replay of Proving Ground’s opening match begins to play, and after the opening bell, we have the ring introductions by Holly Perez. Yet instead of what we heard on Proving Ground, the voices of J.T. Price and Trey Booker have been muted out, replaced by the voice of “Furious” Julius Fairweather.
JULIUS: “Now here we have a weird-ass motherfucker coming down to the ring to some weird-ass fucking music. Instead of building this creepy bastard up, old Trey and J.T. are probably talking about him losing his last match or how he enjoys it when the crowd hates him. I say, let’s talk about him blowing motherfucking kisses to the motherfucking fans! Didn’t you people get enough lawsuits after the Purge Match? Let him keep this shit up and all those parents in the front row are gonna be pressing some very nasty charges against “Mr. Blows Kisses to Strange Children!”
On the screen, we then see the entrance of Dex Griffin, but once again, the commentary duo of Price and Booker are muted.
JULIUS: “Don’t look now, motherfuckers, but it’s Only Fans sensation and animal-lover, Dex motherfucking Griffin! Look at that “Chip and Dale’s” looking motherfucker doing the hair flip while the pimple and training bra crowd scream their little hearts out! Now he’s up on the turnbuckle and...motherfucker’s flipping his hair again! Somebody get Head and Shoulders on the motherfucking phone! That boy’s got more locks than every member of the motherfucking Brisco Family! Oh shit…!!”
We see the fire of Dex’s pyro exploding around the ring, forcing Julius to utter that last exclamation and then take a brief pause. Moments later, “Anxiety” by Black Eyed Peas begins to play, signaling the arrival of Fallout General Manager, Christian Demarco.
JULIUS: “Well, well, well! Now what do we have here? It looks like my new boss, the dominatrix of Fallout himself, Christian motherfucking Demarco! Alright, hold up, now he’s bragging about the Purge again...and now he’s bragging about Dex’s motherfucking package...wait, more jokes about shampoo man’s ball sack...happy holidays and will someone give me a bubble bath or some shit...And the motherfucking lights go out!”
Just as we saw on the live version of Proving Ground, the commentary team is magically replaced by the duo of Alara Adams and Kayden Ellis, yet we still only hear the voice of Julius.
JULIUS: “New announce team, same old motherfucking bullshit. I’ll lay it out straight for you motherfuckers...old “Spank Me and Thank Me” Demarco has got some big old bags tied to the mother fucking ring posts and they’re filled with nasty little toys. We’ve also got tables outside of the ring and Demarco has decided to referee this motherfucking disaster himself!”
On the screen, we see Dex dump the contents of one bag while Drago struggles to unknot his own sack.
JULIUS: “Thumbtacks, motherfuckers! And Santiago is still fumbling with his own bag while Dex...holy motherfucking shit, motherfuckers! He just dropped that boy’s ass into the tacks! And now Dex is playing with Drago’s bag, hoping to tear open that sack! Legos! We got Legos, motherfucker! Oh, the possibilities! Play on, motherfuckers!”
The two men continue to fight in the ring, as we see referee Demarco attempt to set the ringside tables ablaze. Unfortunately for Christian, his attempts seem futile.
JULIUS: “Now get this...motherfucking Dex comes out and lights up the ringside like the motherfucking 4th of July, but Christian “Dom” Marco can’t light his own motherfucking tables! I’ve been drafted to a motherfucking shit-show! Somebody get Pyro on the goddamn phone and promote that motherfucker to Fallout Fire Marshall!”
Following some action with the Legos and Demarco’s failure with the tables, we see him re-enter the ring to open another bag.
JULIUS: “Twisted Tea! Twisted motherfucking Tea by the referee! Unwind with a Twist, motherfuckers! And now Demarco is playing with the last unspoiled sack left between the three of them...he’s got a mask!? That theatrical motherfucker is back in Purge-mode and...he hits shampoo-commercial-man with a full-nelson bomb! I swear on my momma’s big ol’ booty, Demarco likes the spotlight more than the feature act at Butch’s Beaver Emporium! And now Drago with the cover...Demarco with the fast count...and that’s an end to this motherfucker! Next time, bring your bear since there ain’t no rules up in this bitch!”
We see the match reach its conclusion, but as Booker and Price are magically teleported back to the announce position, Julius continues his alternate commentary.
JULIUS: “Drago Santiago picks up an impressive win by way of mentally unstable, and yet beloved boss of yours truly, Christian motherfucking Demarco. That’s a pretty good showing for Drago, and that motherfucker ain’t even done being on the show! He still gets drafted and shows up in about three dozen motherfucking segments! I’ll have my eye on that shady motherfucker, but for now, that’s all I’ve got for this part of the show! Now another word from one of our sponsors!”
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NARRATOR: “Are you tired of the daily routine? Is your wife always nagging at you? Does your boyfriend deny your bi-sexual tendencies? Then put it all behind you and come enjoy the kind of grind you really deserve! Butch’s Beaver Emporium is where you will find the classiest, sexiest, and dirtiest girls in the greater Reno area.”
On the screen, we see scantily clad young women shaking and dancing on a long runway, ending with a stage and pole at either end.
NARRATOR: “And don’t forget our nightly specials; Mondays are two-for-one private dances, Tuesdays are ½ price with your school I.D., Wednesdays are All-You-Can-Eat at our expansive dinner buffet, bring your spouse for half-price Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays are double-the-price if your blood-alcohol level is above 1.0, and there’s free admission on Sundays with proof of your religious denomination! So come join us today, South on Highway 395, just miles from the Reno/Tahoe International Airport, and get your grind on with Butch and the beauties of his Beaver Emporium!”
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JULIUS: “Now that’s a sponsor I can get behind! Shout out to Butch, and tell that motherfucker that Julius sent you! Now onto the next segment of the show, a little number I like to call, Fairweather’s Fab Four! Do I have criteria? Fuck, no! I’m just gonna tell you about four motherfuckers that did something to catch my attention on this week’s show. I’ll choose two lucky motherfuckers from Fallout and two more from Proving Ground. First up, representing DeMarco’s traveling circus is his number one draft pick, Elena DeDraca!
JULIUS: “Now I don’t know much about this badass momma, except that she’s British but still has amazing motherfucking teeth! Now that’s hardly criteria to earn her Crazy Christian’s stamp of approval, so the fact that she’s on an impressive winning streak must have something to do with it! Then, after getting drafted, she cuts herself a little promo and calls PH a straight penguin!”
Julius pauses to give the audience a blank stare. After a solitary blink, he gets back on track.
JULIUS: “Y'all got gay penguins in England? Whatever...next this bad mother goes on to choke out one half of the Tag Team Champions and advances toward the Legacy Championship! Now I like me some Shawn Warstein, especially when he’s with Twitter’s second most suave mother fucker, James Raven. Unfortunately for my boy Shawn, this badass momma threw his singles career a little curveball on Proving Ground. For all of those reasons along with dropping a few dimes in Julius’ Goth spank-bank, you’re in the Fab Four, Elena! Congrats, motherfucker!”
JULIUS: “Coming up next and representing Proving Ground...or is that Grounds...is the current Warrior Rising Champion, T.J. motherfucking Thompson! Now sure, you can say he was only PG’s third pick because he’s a title holder, but ain’t that enough, motherfucker!? And then, you might be saying that he took the losing fall in the main event. Now ask yourselves how many other competitors main evented the first motherfucking show of the year. Yeah, we all know about Dickie up in this house, and my boy Indy might have been the winner, but let’s give this third of the Holy Hip Trinity his due! The motherfucker talks to a giraffe and looks like a buff Andy Dick, but he was main-eventing this motherfucking show while the rest of us were waiting to hear our numbers called like desperate lottery players! So welcome to Fairweather’s Fab Four, T.J., just for making my ass smile. Congrats, motherfucker!”
JULIUS: “Representing Proving Ground...nope...scratch that! Representing Fallout is John mother Nash fucking Strader! Why would I pick him for this elite list, you ask? Did you see any other motherfuckers get drafted twice?! Sure, John almost rode off into the sunset with that fine-ass niece of his, cause that motherfucker done had it with the Proving Ground brass. Instead, creepy-ass Arik Holt and “Call Me Daddy” DeMarco shut that shit down and brought Strader’s ass over to the dark side! Now I’m not all that thrilled about having to fight the motherfucker on Fallout, cause he done gave my boy one hell of a beating last month. But for almost shoving a contract up Johnson’s ass and getting drafted twice? Welcome to the Fab Four, Johnny Wayne Nelson George Washington Strader! Congrats, motherfucker!”
JULIUS: “Last but not least, let’s all take a look at this big, bad motherfucker representing Proving Ground right here. Who is he? Hell if I know! He’s not Hyperion though, and we can just ask Drago Santiago all about that. Now look, before you all send me the hate Tweets, I ain’t watched wrestling since I got my first motherfucking pubes. Do I work here? Yes. Do I know every Space Lord and Terry Marshall that walks into this motherfucker? Hell no! I understand Ozzy has been a big deal in other places and the fans are all abuzz for his PH debut. Personally, I just want to know how that motherfucker breaths in that headgear. You feel me? Anyway, for making an impactful debut, causing a stir, and overcoming an asthma attack, welcome to the Fab Four, Darth Vader! Congrats, motherfucker!”
The graphics fade from the screen, as we are greeted with a close-up of Julius behind his desk.
JULIUS: “And that’s Fairweather’s Fab Four for the first half of this fucked up month of January! Got complaints? I don’t fucking care! Got a suggestion? I ain’t asking for them! Now let’s take one final commercial break and then I’ll be back with my last segment of the night, The F Bomb! Here's a special message from...Caden Young?!?”
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JULIUS: “Short and sweet, but I'll damned if I don't want to run out and buy one of those motherfuckers right now! Anyway, that just about does it for the first episode of The F Word. Assuming my ass gets good ratings, we might just make that Fab Four a Suave Six or add in some more motherfucking segments for my MFF’s to enjoy. That’s Motherfucking Friends of Fairweather for the uninitiated. Hell, you wanna do your part to make the show succeed? Just check out the fine fucking information at the end of our closing credits!”
“Now, before I send you back out into the big, bad world, allow The Shepherd of Lost Souls to give you all a little parting advice. It’s just a little something I like to call, The F Bomb. Tonight, the letter F stands for...Fallout. That shit’s coming whether y’all like it or not. Hell, some of you might even be a part of it whether you like it or not. Do I know what to expect? I’m betting on blood, swerves, and silly green masks. No matter what’s comin’ our way, it’s gonna be rolling in like my ass will be rolling a joint after the show. Our future might even be cloudier than my Caddy when I leave the windows rolled up. Only there ain’t no familiar old faces to make y’all feel safe and secure.”
Julius holds his hand over his eyes and turns his head to the right, like a sailor looking out to sea.
JULIUS: “It’s Fallout and there ain’t no Celestial Lovers or Legacy in sight…
He then makes the same motion as he turns to the left.
JULIUS: “..ain’t no Commonwealth or Big Drip to give us that sense of the familiar…”
And finally he looks under his desk, but eventually sits back up and shakes his head.
JULIUS: “...and it seems like even Pat the motherfucking Postman has abandoned our asses.”
Then Julius leans forward, resting his elbow on the top of his desk as he strokes the sides of his handlebar moustache.
JULIUS: “But y’all don’t need to be afraid of that Fallout, cause the Shepherd will be right there by your side as we face that motherfucker down together. I hope I’ve put a smile on each and every one of your motherfucking faces tonight and given you a little calm before the storm. Peace and love my little motherfuckers, and until next time, you’ve got a Fairweather Friend in me…”
If you would like to be a member of the studio audience for The F Word with Julius Fairweather, contribute to segments such as Viewer’s Verse, or advertise your product during the show, send your hand written correspondence along with your social security number and primary banking information to:
J. Fairweather
1469 Jackson Rd.
Indianapolis, Indiana 46201
