Post by ttthet on Apr 28, 2022 17:40:48 GMT -5
Our scene starts in the HIP HOUSE. The house is empty and quiet except for the newly reformed Bohn Bash Bader. The camera shows all the empty rooms in the house before settling on BBB sneaking around in Gerald’s underground lab. BBB looks through drawers and test tubes but spasms in surprise when he sees Gerald.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
BBB: I don’t speak giraffe, but I’m gonna assume you’re asking me what I’m doing here. I’m just cleaning up the place! My therapist told me I need to start being a positive presence in other people’s lives, and that’s exactly what I’m doing! This place is a mess! I don’t know how you find anything in this dump.
Gerald the Giraffe: *aggressive giraffe noises*
BBB: I have no idea what you’re saying. I’m doing a good thing! I’m not bothering anyone!
Gerald the Giraffe: *even more aggressive giraffe noises*
BBB: Are you telling me to leave? Why? I’m helping you out here!
Gerald runs at BBB, and BBB gets the hint, running for his life. TJ comes down the elevator after BBB, wondering what’s going on.
TJ Thompson: What’s up with BBB? I came home and he was saying some shit about giraffes and just trying to help.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: You think he was trying to find something? Why’s that? I remember he told me some shit about needing the house to himself every day to make himself a better person. Personally, I’m down to let him do whatever he wants. As long as he’s not chasing kids around parking lots, the world is a better place!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: A positive influence on nobody but himself, you say? You think he was snooping through your lab to find something specific? I hate to say it, but that dude’s kind of a dumbass. He doesn’t know shit about what goes on in here! The other day, I saw him struggling to count to five.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: That’s a good point. What else would he be doing down here if not cleaning? What’s he trying to find?
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: You don’t know but you’re gonna find out? Good luck with that!
The scene transitions into a montage of Gerald stalking BBB in various locations. It’s hard to be discreet as a giraffe, but Gerald finds away. Gerald disguises himself as a shelf in the grocery store as BBB buys snacks. Gerald puts a lampshade on his head as BBB shops in a furniture store. Finally, Gerald puts on a fake mustache and glasses and rides the bus with BBB. Later on, Gerald reports back to TJ at the house.
TJ Thompson: So did you find anything? You were out for the whole day! I don’t even know how you function in modern society. You’re a giraffe!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: You still don’t know what’s going on? Just that he’s acting weird? Have you ever considered that BBB is just a weird fucking dude? Look at his past! He spent most of his life terrorizing small children and then suddenly had a change of heart. That shit ain’t normal.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Huh…that change of heart was kinda sus, now that I think about it. At the time, I was happy to see him chill out. But looking back…maybe there’s some ploy. I don’t know, though. Ever since he apologized for his crimes, he hasn’t hurt anyone! Maybe we should leave him alone and be happy that the world’s children are going undiddled.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Okay. Slightly less undiddled. If you’re convinced there’s something going on with him, maybe we should keep tabs on him a little more. I don’t think he’s really a threat, but you never know!
We switch to another montage, but this time it’s both TJ and Gerald following BBB around. TJ and Gerald disguise themselves as window cleaners as they watch BBB do charity work. TJ almost falls to his death, but grabs onto Gerald’s neck at the last second. We switch to another scene where TJ and Gerald are hiding in a tree watching BBB fish. Once again, TJ almost falls out of the tree and into the lake but is saved by Gerald. TJ and Gerald regroup at the house.
TJ Thompson: Maybe we should just ask him if he has anything to hide! I can’t see that going wrong at all. I’ll say that we noticed some sus things happening and give him a chance to clear up all the confusion. We haven’t seen anything sus after that snooping thing, so maybe this is all just a misunderstanding!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Yeah.
TJ walks up to BBB who was casually eating at the table while the conversation was going on.
TJ Thompson: Yo. I had a talk with Gerald, and he had some worries about what’s going on with you. He said he saw you lurking in his lab, and he wasn’t a fan of that. Anything you wanna clear up!
BBB: Huh? Like I told him, my therapist told me I need to start helping others to make up for my evil deeds of the past! If Gerald doesn’t like me being a positive presence in the world for once, that’s his bad.
TJ Thompson: I believe you. I might have had some doubts but after that speech, I see that your heart’s in the right place. I’ll talk to Gerald for you.
BBB: Thanks, TJ.
BBB gets up to put his dishes in the sink, but trips over TJ’s foot. BBB’s head pops off.
TJ Thompson: OH SHIT!!! BOHN!!! ARE YOU ALIVE?!? DID I KILL YOU?!?
Bill Nye the Science Guy’s head pops up in it’s place.
TJ Thompson: IT WAS BILL NYE ALL ALONG?!? WE’VE BEEN SCAMMED!!! BAMBOOZLED!!! MISTLED! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
Bill Nye: Listen! I did this for society! I knew Gerald had groundbreaking scientific discoveries down there in his lab, and I had to find out what they were. He could cure cancer! He could stop world hunger! He can’t keep this knowledge to himself! I needed to get in the house and past the security system. What better way to do that then to disguise myself as someone you can trust! It was hard work getting into that PH show in the BBB suit, but I managed to do it.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: He told you to go fuck yourself. Also, he’s asking where you got the suit from.
Bill Nye: I got it custom made! The guy gave me a weird look but I still got it. And it worked! It gets really hot under here sometimes, but it’s worth it for science.
TJ Thompson: So…did you find what you were looking for?
Bill Nye: Not…not exactly. But I’m sure it’s there somewhere, right? It better be. Right? I didn’t waste months of my life for nothing?
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I think you wasted months of your life for nothing, dude. Gerald is a giraffe. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a shit about curing cancer for humans. He’s just here to do cool shit and snag giraffe bitches!
Bill Nye: But…but…it’s possible, right? Come with me, Gerald! We could do great things together! We could solve all the world’s problems! With our brains combined, think of the discoveries, the fame, the money, everything! You could have anything you want!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: He says what he wants is for you to fuck off. Harsh, bro. Wait a second…if you’re Bill Nye and not BBB…where’s the real BBB been for all this time?
A familiar rumbling is heard in the distance.
TJ Thompson: NOT AGAIN!!!
The real BBB crashes through the wall and grabs Bill Nye the Science Guy. He hurls him into the sky and looks for a familiar target. He runs into Yung Sauce’s room and snatches him once again, jumping back through the hole in the wall with a delirious Sauce in his grasp. TJ and Gerald are paralyzed with shock.
TJ Thompson: Come on! There’s a door right there!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah. Also, SAUCE! NOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!! You know what? This is a good time for a break. We’ve had a traumatic moment. Now’s a great time to start talking shit about all my Disputed Territory opponents!
The camera zooms in on TJ.
TJ Thompson: You better get my good side. What’s up, guys? We’re back. No cuts. No editing. Just me, Gerald, and this giant hole in my wall. I don’t know why he couldn’t use the door like a normal person. Maybe because he’s not a normal person. Anyway, another match, another dub. This time in a little more controversial fashion, but a win is a win! Most people can’t win a match to save their life. Including some of the bums in this little gauntlet. Not gonna lie, I was expecting a straight title shot, but this is cool. I guess we gotta earn it a little more. I’m not sweating this shit. Okay. Just a little. There’s only one team that might be trouble. I’ll get to that later, but other than them, everyone else facing us should be light work. Just like how Petey took out that Holt bum. That was a fun time, right? I made my first appearance on Fallout. That place was blessed with my presence! Sure, I got my ass beat and my move kicked out of, but all that matters is our boy got the win! Now it’s time for me to get one. Big Drip might be apart, but we’re thriving. Except for Sauce. Sauce might have a bad fate waiting for him.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Fine! We’ll go save him after I finish ripping these hoes apart verbally. Not gonna lie, a match with this much fuckery is unpredictable. But any match with me in it is always predictable. It’s been a while, and for a makeshift team, Caddy and I haven’t known defeat yet. And sure, there are actual teams in this thing, but trust me, they all suck. Even if they get lucky with the draw, they don’t stand a chance against the boys. A lame person would say that it doesn’t matter what they draw and they’ll win no matter what, but I like to be honest. I tell it like it is. So to the guy controlling the ping pong balls…there’s a fifty in your back pocket.
TJ is disturbed by Lil Petey walking through the door.
Lil Petey: Why the fuck is there a giant hole in the wall?!?
TJ Thompson: Hush! I’m in my element right now. Anyway, looks like it’s time to talk about the unfortunate souls that are about to have their dreams crushed. Man, looking around…I beat a lot of these people already. Hell, the former tag champs are in this thing and they aren’t even close to being my biggest threat! We should be just fine. Phantom Troupe? My condolences, but we all saw this shit coming. I even told you! You got your little run, but when some actually skilled wrestlers came along, they took your prized achievement and sent you back to where you belong. What’s changed since we last handed you an L? Last time, you were happy and confident, and now you’re pretty low. Caddy and I proved that we were better than the two of you once already, and we’ll do it again. You two might think that you’re about to take those belts back, but look at the facts. You’re one of the least threatening competitors in this thing. You talk a lot of shit…just like me…but the difference between you and me is that I actually back it up by winning matches against people that have a little bit of credibility. You two have been teaming for years and took an L against two people teaming together for the first fucking time! Clean! No bullshit, no interference, nothing! As the champions! That’s kinda pathetic. Pathetic seems to be your thing. Get some help. Maybe add a third member so every match is a handicap match.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Listen. At one point we had like fifty members but we still lost to True Society! It was fair! At least we beat the Kavengers, though. Anyway…Kyle, DJ, your time in the spotlight is over. Maybe you’ll get another chance. I don’t know. I’m not a mind reader. But it won’t be anytime while Caddy and I are a functioning unit. Who else did we beat. The Golden Goddesses, they’re calling themselves. Y’all lose one match and decide that it’s a good idea to latch yourselves to each other? Nah, fam. Bad idea. I know how this ends. This is gonna lead to nothing but hurt feelings and fighting. Y’all are gonna keep eating losses until one of you snaps and then boom. We have a new blood rivalry. Entertaining for me, yeah! I’ll have popcorn. But for you? Not very entertaining. To me, y’all are nothing but a couple of bums that we beat already and are destined to fail. You might have had that little attack after the bell, but I don’t feel the need to do that petty shit. We all know who came out on top, and we all know who’s gonna come out on top at Disputed Territory. What does that even mean? What territory are we talking about? I don’t think anybody is disputing anything!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Good point. Anyway, you guys are a pretty shitty pairing. And a catchy name doesn’t change that. Besides, it’s not as catchy as the…Big Luxury Drip Experience? Fuck yeah. Neither of you seem compatible with each other. I don’t blame you. Sometimes random pairings work, and sometimes they don’t. Not everybody can immediately have the amazing chemistry and skills like we do. It’s not meant to be, but at least there’s a bright side! You get to say you were a roadblock on our path to even more stardom. That’s like saying you met a celebrity at the grocery store or something. People might tell you to shut up, but it’s cool if they actually believe you. Don’t look at me like that Gerald.
Lil Petey: Are you done yet? What’s with the hole in the wall?
TJ Thompson: Have patience my child. Who’s next? Let’s talk about Levanni. Are they a couple? Are they more than friends? That name sounds like a 16 year old girl made it up after seeing them make out in a bathroom stall. Gross. You two might give us a little more trouble than the first two teams I mentioned. The series is 1-1 between us, but nothing has changed! Levy is still some struggling child star. My guy was probably given anything he wanted and then got tossed to the curb the second he stopped being cute. And now he thinks that’s the way to treat people. Gio better watch out! The second he starts getting old and wrinkly, Levy’s gonna attach himself to the next big thing. Hey Levy, maybe you should’ve tried botox! I know it’s weird for 9 year olds to do botox, but if it saved your sad little career, maybe it’s worth it. You could’ve extended your career for a few more years! Then you wouldn’t have to start wrestling and I wouldn’t have to deal with you annoying me every month or so. I don’t see you that often, but the times I do, you’re annoying as shit!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: People also find me annoying you say?!? Impossible. I’m a joy to be around. I gave Gio some tips on how to stay alive, but he’s not exactly an innocent soul either. The starving artist shit gets kinda old. If you’re starving, just eat! Easy. Wrestling is the art of making people hurt. I guess you could call me Piccaso. He is the Warrior Rising Champion, though. Good for him! He did what I couldn’t do. But I’m gonna make sure that he doesn’t do it again. Gio, you’re about to hold this L. How do I know this? Because Caddy and I are just too good. Hey, didn’t there used to be three of you? What ever happened to that Sonya chick? Shouldn’t this be a threesome or something? Whatever the reason is, you’re a body down which you desperately need. I’m looking forward to showing y’all who the real stars are. They’re luxurious. And drippy. I think you can guess who they are.
Lil Petey: I’m gonna call a door guy or something…
TJ Thompson: You do that! Anyway, I barely know who Diana and Mikey Hero are. Their name is some kinda inside joke which I don’t like. I’m the only one allowed to make inside jokes around these parts! My entire existence is based off of an inside joke…
TJ stares directly into the camera.
TJ Thompson: …y’all think you’re real funny, don’t you? Well comedy won’t help you in the ring when you’re getting these hands. Man, I don’t remember ever seeing Diana win a match. She’s ass. Some gatekeeper title or AAA or whatever that thing’s called now type wrestler. A bum. I could beat you with my eyes closed and my limbs tied behind my back. Literally a human torso, and I’m still superior. Sometimes I give people credit for giving me a fight, but you? Nah. I barely know who you are to be honest, but I know enough to not take you seriously. You ain’t a threat to nobody. Not even a practice dummy. Mikey Hero is a different story. I’ve never heard of this man in my life but it seems like this team is destined to fail no matter what. It won’t even be entertaining! Y’all are just gonna take L’s and make other people look good.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I know. Harsh. Am I lying though?!? Nope. Finally, we got the Motor City Psychos. Oh shit. To be honest if this match was everyone but them, I would have full confidence that Caddy and I would blaze through the competition without breaking a sweat. These dudes are on crack, though. I faced them before in two cages, and we all got our collective asses beat only for a Kavenger to tap out. Am I looking forward to round two? Not really. All that shit over. But you do what you gotta do, right? Right. Slade and Julius are by far our biggest competition, but I feel like we still got this. With the power of friendship! And simply being better. Julius? Let’s be reasonable here. I know there’s a reasonable side of you in there somewhere! It might be buried under months of traumatic experiences but it’s there! Where’s the Julius that likes me?!? Not the one that wants to beat my ass! Put that one away where it belongs. Where’s Julius Fairweather? The original! The one I like the best! He’s always cool. But I haven’t seen him in a long long time. What would Fairweather think of you doing violent things?!? I mean…he would probably approve. But to me?!? Nah. To Caddy? I don’t know if he remembers who Caddy is. But if he does, he wouldn’t approve either!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Listen, Gerald. I’m working my magic out here. Now I’m gonna talk to the violent Julius. The one that doesn’t like me. Dude, that ass is mine. You got lucky at WarGames but this is a whole new match! Anything could happen. Scratch that. One thing is gonna happen. I’m beating the shit outta you! You might be mentally unstable, but I’m…not mentally unstable. I think I have the advantage in that regard. While you’re off ranting and raving on some weird shit, I’ll be busy putting the boots to heads. Yeah. Get fucked, nerd.
Lil Petey: Roasted!
TJ Thompson: Slade? He’s not so stable either. Probably more stable than Julius, though. Slade, I see you. Running around being all violent and shit. I get it. It’s our job. We get paid to make people say ouchie. But in this thing, all it takes is one sneaky move and you’re done for. You’re outta here. Your chances at the tag titles dead in the water. I don’t think street fighting helps you counter the most devastating move in a wrestling ring, a rollup! I’ve lost to too many rollups in my career, man…I gotta learn how to counter it. Anyway, this isn’t gonna be as easy as you think it is. I’m sure you’ll beat a lot of asses, but my ass? Nah. When it’s all over, you and Julius are gonna be crying all the way to the showers.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Pause. I have high hopes for this shit. Caddy and I have been on a roll. We haven’t taken a loss yet. We’ve bitched out every single team to stand in our way, and now most of the teams we beat are back for another embarrassment. Plus a couple more to play with! You heard it first. The next time you hear from me, it’ll be standing victorious in that ring.
Lil Petey: You done yet? Can we fix this wall now?!?
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah! Aight, let’s get on this.
With Yung Sauce’s abduction forgotten, the boys get set on fixing the hole in the wall as we fade to black.