Post by ttthet on Apr 13, 2022 18:19:43 GMT -5
Our scene starts on the streets of LA. TJ Thompson is wandering aimlessly down the street with a vacant look on his face when he sees a flyer on a telephone pole. TJ reads it.
TJ Thompson: Do you like dark robes? Satanic rituals? Human sacrifices? Then The Cult of Happiness and Fun Times is right for you. Huh. Not really into all that spooky shit. Imma pass on this one. Don’t need more shit on my criminal record.
TJ is about to toss it away, but he takes one last look.
TJ Thompson: Ayo…FREE SNACKS?!? Fuck, that’s all you had to say! They really should have that in a bigger font. I bet they would have a lot more cultists or whatever. I’m in. I might get myself in some deep shit, but it’s worth it for free snacks! I hope they have Capri-Suns.
The scene transitions to TJ walking into a dark basement. He looks around and sees three people in dark robes surrounding him.
TJ Thompson: Hey, guys! I saw your lil poster on the street, and I’m gonna be honest. I’m not too into cutting people open or whatever. Not really my thing. But you know what is my thing?!? Free snacks. So where they at?!?
Cultist #1: What…who put free snacks on the poster?!?
Cultist #2: I thought it would draw people in! I have a degree in marketing!
Cultist #3: Huh? You went to school?
Cultist #2: Just because I do human sacrifices, doesn’t mean I’m a dumbass!
TJ Thompson: So…are there free snacks or nah? If there aren’t any free snacks, I guess I’ll be going. Maybe I’ll find another cult with the goods. Or I’ll just raid the pantry. Either way, I’m getting food.
Cultist #2: Wait! There’s a bag of Cheetos back there somewhere! But first, I gotta let my colleague do his thing.
Cultist #1: Hold up…there’s food back there?!? And you never offered any to me?!? Whatever. Never mind. Uhh…
The first cultist’s voice gets deep and brooding.
Cultist #1: Before you join our esteemed group…there are a few trials you must go through to prove your undying loyalty to the rest of the cult.
TJ Thompson: Whatever gets me the snacks, bro. Hit me with it.
Cultist #2: First, you must summon any demon of your choosing.
TJ Thompson: And how do you want me to do that?!? I can bring you Gerald when all the leaves on our tree are gone. He’s pretty demonic when that shit happens.
One of the cultists hands TJ a book titled “Demon Summoning for Dummies”.
TJ Thompson: Man, y’all are asking me to read?!? What is this efedding shit?!? Fine.
TJ flips the book open to a random page and starts reading out loud.
TJ Thompson: To summon demons, you must first learn to speak Latin. Nobody knows why, demons just seem to like languages nobody knows how to speak. Be very careful which demon you choose to summon. Some are harmless, some are not as harmless, and some will destroy the universe and everything in it. Y’all sure you wanna trust me with this? I feel like I’m gonna somehow fuck it up and bad things will happen.
Cultist #3: It is a part of our sacred trials.
TJ Thompson: Aight, then. Don’t blame me if we all die!
TJ mutters some incoherent words that sound like the lyrics to 'Baby' by Justin Beiber.
TJ Thompson: Did I do the thing?
All of a sudden, a fiery circle opens in the middle of the floor, and a ten-foot tall demon with horns rises out of it.
Demon: I AM APOLLYON, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!! FINALLY, I HAVE BEEN AWOKEN FROM MY SLUMBER!!! YOUR WORLD WILL BURN!!! YOU PATHETIC HUMANS THOUGHT YOU COULD TRAP ME?!? YOU WILL ALL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE IN BLOOD!!!
TJ Thompson: I don’t think that’s a friendly one. What do you guys think?
Cultist #1: AHHHHHH!!!
There is a huge explosion, and Apollyon leaves through the giant hole in the wall, shooting fireballs and being an overall bad guy.
TJ Thompson: Someone’s gonna have to pay for that wall, you know! Anyway, I might have doomed the world to die a fiery death, but I did your lil trial! Do I get snacks now?!?
Cultist #3: Meh. We might as well continue. There are still two trials to go before you can join the brotherhood…and get free snacks. Next, you must creat a potion out of any ingredient you choose.
The cultist points towards a table with things like frog legs and rabbit ears on it. TJ stands in front of it and starts mixing random items together in a bowl.
TJ Thompson: If only I remembered the recipe for meth. I watched Breaking Bad! I should know this shit! Meh. I don’t think any of this freaky shit is in meth anyway. I hope that furry thing with spots isn’t a giraffe body part. Gerald probably won’t be very happy with me.
TJ finishes mixing his potion and hands it to one of the cultists.
Cultist #1: Nice colour, not too thick, not too thin, let’s try it. What does it do?
TJ Thompson: I have no idea. Try it to find out! Hopefully you don’t turn into a demon. We don’t need two of those bozos running around causing world destruction.
The cultist drinks TJ’s creation. Nothing happens for a moment.
Cultist #1: Huh?
All of a sudden, a tail sprouts out of the cultist.
TJ Thompson: NOOOOO!!! I TURNED HIM INTO A FURRY!!! NOOOOOOO!!! Someone turn him back! I don’t need his life ruined by my hands! His life is already pretty shitty!
Cultist #1: Hold on…this thing is kinda cool! I can move it around and everything! It’s like a third arm! Thanks, man! Now we must move onto the final trial.
TJ Thompson: Wait…you’re just keeping the tail?!? You’re willingly becoming a furry?!? Aight, I wasn’t scared of cults before, but I’m kinda scared now.
Cultist #2: Err…respect his wishes! Now do you want the snacks or not?!? Your final trial is to cut off a finger and sacrifice it to Satan.
TJ Thompson: YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?!? I’m starting to think those Cheetos aren’t worth it. I kinda like my digits where they are. Staaaaarting to think that.
Cultist #3: Or you could just sacrifice one of those foam fingers in that cardboard box.
TJ Thompson: Oh! Yeah, that sounds like a better idea.
TJ is handed a lighter and grabs one of the foam fingers. TJ lights the foam finger on fire and tosses it on the ground, reading passages from a reverse bible.
TJ Thompson: Y’all should really come up with a better name than ‘reverse bible’. Doesn’t exactly sound like a New York Times bestseller. Ha! That word rhymes with penis!
Cultist #2: Listen, our publishing rights were very limited! And the author wasn’t exactly a genius. Be happy you have something to read!
After fifty jokes and wisecracks, TJ gets through the ritual and sacrifices the foam finger. A purple hand rises out of the floor and grabs the foam finger, dragging it down to hell.
TJ Thompson: Oh shit! I didn’t know that was literal. I thought it was a spiritual sacrifice. Oh well. So am I in?!? Where’s the food?!?
A cultist puts a black robe on TJ and another tosses him a bag of Cheetos.
Cultist #2: Welcome to the cult.
TJ Thompson: Welp! I got what I wanted, free snacks, and a cult membership. Maybe I didn’t really want the cult membership. But that’s cool too. I guess I’ll be going now!
Cultist #3: Wait! We were gonna make more sacrifices to Satan and take pictures in our robes! Maybe we could even have a sleepover and make brownies!
TJ Thompson: Ayo, that sounds like a fun time! But I should probably get going. I left the giraffe babies at home, and I don’t think they know how to open doors. No thumbs.
Cultist #2: We’ll walk you out, come again soon!
TJ and the cultists walk through the giant hole in the wall to see Apollyon wreaking havoc on the innocent citizens. He snatches a businessman and throws him into a passing plane, causing it to crash into the ocean in a plume of smoke and flames. Buildings and cars are on fire as people run around in circles screaming.
TJ Thompson: Damn, I forgot about that guy! I don’t think he’s doing remodeling. More like remodeling people’s faces. See what I did there? We gotta get this dude in a wrestling ring. Look at him! He’s kicking ass!
Apollyon: THIS WORLD WILL BURN!!!
TJ Thompson: Or maybe we should try to stop the world burning. I can’t get bitches if all the bitches are dead! What do we do?
Cultist #1: We can’t kill him, the only way to stop him is to send him back where he came from! Or at least out of our universe!
TJ Thompson: Out of our universe you say?!? Hold up.
TJ whips out his phone and makes a call. Five seconds later, Gerald the Giraffe flies in on a helicopter with some sort of machine. Gerald pushes a few buttons, and a portal opens.
TJ Thompson: I was saving this for after a few weeks, but I have a feeling this is needed right now. How do we get him through that portal?!? Someone needs to make a distraction!
Cultist #1: I got an idea.
The furry cultist puts a hat and sunglasses on his tail and waves it around in front of the portal. Apollyon, spying another innocent bystander dives towards it. The cultist detaches his tail and Apollon tackles the tail into the portal. Gerald quickly closes it and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Hell yeah, that was Cooler TJ’s dimension! That boy’s gonna have a fun little surprise when he goes home.
We fade to black as TJ hops in the helicopter with a smile on his face.
---------------------------------------
We open back up to TJ Thompson sitting in the helicopter.
TJ Thompson: Let’s get it. Today was a pretty good day! Dubs were taken. Free food. Free spooky robe. New friends. And we gave Cooler TJ something to look forward to. Life overall has been a vibe. Caddy and I have been taking dub after dub. I even pinned that boy Brandon Hendrix who was pretty quiet for a man who I thought would be talking a lot of shit after his recent wins. I guess he doesn’t have a reason to talk shit anymore, though. Those Fallout hoes have a tag title shot, and I have a feeling that we’re next up. I also have a feeling that one of those teams is gonna be a little harder to beat than the other. But either way, we got this! The chemistry is rolling. The dubs are coming in like there’s no tomorrow. And I just learned that Gerald has a helicopter? Where does he find the time to buy all of this shit? Where does he get the money to buy all of this shit? We may never know. But what I do know is that the boys are rolling. Big Drip might be non-existent anymore, but your boy TJ Thompson is living the life. But the work ain’t done yet. Another show, another tag match. Another chance to show the world that we might be randomly put together because there ain’t no real tag teams in the company, but we’re still good at wrestling! Betsy Gallagher and Lexi Gold. Two people, two bums that are about to take an L.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Listen, I’m not overconfident if I’m right! And I’m always right. Except when I’m not. You know, two weeks ago, y’all were fighting each other. Who won, you ask? Neither of you. Some other dude took the dub, and I have a feeling that the two of you aren’t too happy with each other after that. Y’all aren’t exactly besties. But Caddy and I are! Not really. But we’re still better than you two bozos. I feel bad for you. If I was throwing hands with someone and then was expected to coexist with them after, I wouldn’t be that happy. Especially if we both somehow lost. And I know y’all are gonna talk about getting over it and wanting the dub, but y’all aren’t getting the dub. You better know who is.
The helicopter swerves suddenly and TJ screams like a little girl.
TJ Thompson: Jeez, that was…unexpected. Anyway, I’m gonna start with Betsy. I may or may not have recorded a whole rant about you because I thought you used to roll with those Legacy nerds that took their ball and went home. Luckily, my PR agent called me just in time. Cool. You are not in fact that Betsy. But you’re still losing this match. You’re British. Cool. I bet you’ve heard all the jokes and memes around that. Oi, mate. Is that England or Australia? Close enough. Australia is basically England with emus. Anyway, I’m sure you heard all those jokes, but I’m about to hit you with some more. Because I can. I’m about to get patriotic. I normally don’t care about America that much, but seeing you makes me want to crack some beers and invade a third world country on the back of an eagle. I dunno man, it awakens something in me. It makes me appreciate the country we live in because we’re the bad people instead of being beat up by the bad people.
Gerald gives TJ a weird look.
TJ Thompson: Don’t judge me, Gerald. You know I’m right! But in this case, I’m the good guy. The hero that prevails at the end. And the good guy always wins! Sometimes you might have the people on your side, but I’ve been here for a while. I’ve shown them why I’m that guy. And what have you done? Subpar performances, decent performances, and that’s about it. I’ve won…a singular belt which is more than everyone else in this match combined! And before you say it, belts from other places don’t count. I didn’t come from a wrestling family, but I’m still gonna somehow run circles around you. My dad was an accountant. My mom was a doctor. And it took me an extremely long time to learn how to count to ten. But I’m still here, kicking ass in the ring. You have no exuse to be ass, but I’m gonna show the the world how bad you are.
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Yeah, that shit took me a while! Leave me be. Anyway, let’s move on to Lexi Gold. Pretty much the same thing. A nice person that has a passion for wrestling. Cool. Does that make her any good?!? Not really. And from what I’ve seen so far, I have no reason to believe that she’s a threat to us! Lexi, what’s up? You said you walked away from the darkness. Well I just joined a satanic cult. I guess we’re opposites. The darkness isn’t all that bad, you know. There’s free snacks! You get to wear matching outfits and all that shit! You summon demons that threaten the safety of the world as we know it! It’s pretty fun. I bet you would appreciate it if you were a little more emo. You should join up! I heard that they were pretty down bad for members, so I’m sure you’d be welcomed with open arms. They’d be happier to have you than your own tag team partner! I don’t know why people look at the darkness as a bad thing. Sure, there are bad things in it like depression and the fact that furries exist, but there are also new friends! This is a stigma that needs to be ended. Or not. I don’t care THAT much! Since you walked away from the dark, things haven’t been going that well for you, right? And I’m about to make it worse. Maybe going back isn’t such a bad idea. It could mix things up, you know?
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I’m a great influence, what do you mean? I’m giving great advice for free out here. I could be a therapist. Anyway, I feel bad for you, Lexi. You have to team with someone you were getting bodied with only two weeks ago. You two only had one thing in common, and that was the mutual loss. At least you know what’s coming ahead of time. Don’t have hope! I know people like to have hope even though things aren’t looking up. It’s the optimistic part of people. But I’m a realist! Sometimes not a very good one. But a realist! And what’s real is my chances at winning this match. They’re high. Sorry Lexi, but maybe you’ll have better luck next time. Or not. Not my problem.
The helicopter hits more turbulence and TJ goes flying into the wall.
TJ Thompson: Shit! Maybe I should wrap this up. I don’t know about Caddy, but this little team is going pretty well. 2-0 so far, and we’re about to stay undefeated. Life has been busy as of late, but I’ll always have time to collect dubs in that ring. The last time I had a goal, it was to beat up True Society. That didn’t go so well. But I have a new one, and it’s to win gold with Caddy. The tag belts have had a lot of unusual pairings as of late. And when I say that, I mean just Julius with the entire roster. Tag team slut. So I’m sure there’s room for one more! Whoever wins at that little Fallout event has a target on their back and Caddy and I are taking our shot. Pew pew. And speaking of shots, when I get off this flying machine of death, I’m gonna need one…
We fade to black as TJ tries to put his seatbelt on.