Post by ttthet on Mar 30, 2022 21:38:46 GMT -5
Lights flash and sirens blare as the HNN logo flies across the screen. Our scene begins and we see TJ Thompson in an oversized suit sitting at a desk with various papers scattered on it. A screen hangs behind him. Cameraman Jeff stands behind the camera with a depressed look on his face.
TJ Thompson: It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I think I remember what this shit is. Hip News is back, baby! And I’m here to give you people all the news you need to know. Trust me. I’m giving you the essential information. The straight facts and nothing more. Let’s get started!
The screen shows the POTR logo.
TJ Thompson: First, I’m gonna hit y’all with a little opinion piece. For those of you unaware. Pursuit of the Ring is a little game show sponsored by PH. There’s wrestling, trivia, challenges, all that shit. The whole point is to get points by winning these segments, and at the end of the season, the person with the most points wins! Seems simple and fun, right? I thought so too. But there’s a dark shadow looming over this entire thing. There’s one competitor that’s just not right. That doesn’t belong in this competition, in this company, hell, in this universe! Ahem…
Cameraman Jeff: Sigh…who is it?
The screen switches to a picture of The Cooler TJ Thompson.
TJ Thompson: Now you might be thinking. Hey TJ, is that you? Are you this menace to society plaguing this company? In a way, yeah! This dude calls himself “The Cooler TJ Thompson”. He’s me but from another universe. At first glance, you might think that’s awesome. Two of me must be even better than one! But the thing is, this one is a dick. He really thinks he’s better than the original just because he’s doing okay on some little game show! The show itself is nice, don’t get me wrong, but Cooler TJ is a prick. Anyone with eyes can see that I’m superior.
Cameraman Jeff: Genetically, the two of you are exactly the same!
TJ Thompson: Science is a scam! Clearly, I’m way better than that nerd! I get more TV time, the PH in my universe is actually operating, come on! What does he have on me? Nothing! Anyway, I’m trying to make the people aware of this dude. He isn’t what he says he is. YOU HEAR THAT, TJ?!? I’M THE BETTER ONE!!! I’M THE SUPERIOR TJ!!! ANYTHING YOU DO ON THAT ISLAND DOESN’T MEAN SHIT TO ME!!! IT CAN’T COMPARE TO WHAT I’VE DONE IN MY CAREER!!! AND WHEN YOU GET OFF THAT ISLAND, I’LL PROVE IT!!!
Cameraman Jeff: You okay?
TJ Thompson: Yep! I just needed to get that off my chest. That boy was testing me. Anyway, let’s move on to our next story!
The screen switches to a picture of Bohn Bash Bader.
TJ Thompson: BBB reformed? I guess so. Certified menace to society Bohn Bash Bader has been terrorizing the masses for months. But after some soul searching, it looks like he wants to change his ways for the better. We have him on the phone right now for an exclusive interview!
BBB: Hi, TJ!
TJ Thompson: So Bohn, what inspired you to stop stalking kids and all that shit?
BBB: When I had Yung Sauce, trapped in my basement, he made me reflect on my priorities. Was this really what I wanted to do with the rest of my life? Does this really make me happy? And the answer was no. I wanted to make something with myself and to do that, I had to stop being a creep.
TJ Thompson: Nice! So what are you doing to better yourself?
BBB: Well I went back to school and got my medical license. I’m now working at PH and making a difference in the world. Thanks to everyone helping me out, I’m getting my life back together! I also moved in with you and your friends because everyone is now suing me for what I did in the past.
TJ Thompson: Speaking of that, we’re doing a donation drive for BBB’s legal expenses! Call the number down below to donate today and help him out! So he can move out of my house! Anyway, let’s move on to the next segment!
The screen switches to a picture of Gerald the Giraffe.
TJ Thompson: My sources tell me that Gerald the Giraffe will star on the giraffe edition of The Bachelor! My source is Gerald. Personally, I couldn't think of a better star. I know my boy's been itching to get some bitches, and there are a multitude of bitches on that show. Let's go! We go to our entertainment reporter for more details.
The camera pans to an empty desk. TJ quickly runs and sits down at it wearing a fake mustache.
TJ Thompson: Listen. We're a little understaffed today. Hopefully, the mustache adds to the immersion, you know? I'll be your entertainment reporter for the day. Here are some more details on The Giraffe Bachelor. It's gonna be eight weeks of all that steamy romantic shit, and at the end, Gerald's gonna pick a wife! Hopefully, she doesn't take up too much space in the house. We're getting a little crowded. Hopefully, all those suitors know that Gerald comes with baggage. We still got all those baby giraffes running around! Are they biologically his? Probably not. But they're still his responsibility because I said so! Anyway, congrats to the homie Gerald. May many bitches be in his future. Let's go to our final story!
The screen switches to a needle.
TJ Thompson: There are some rumors that I'm on steroids after I won a match two weeks ago. I'm here to…deny those rumors? Yeah. That's what my lawyers told me to say. I'm all natural, baby! I might be on something, but it's not steroids. Trust me on this one. I might be off a perc from time to time, but that's it!
A brick flies through the window. Cameraman Jeff picks it up.
Cameraman Jeff: There's a message attached! It reads, "Stop the cap. From Cooler TJ".
TJ Thompson: THIS MAN THREW A BRICK THROUGH MY WINDOW?!? AND ACCUSES ME OF LIES?!? I just had that shit replaced last week! Ain't he supposed to be on an island? He must have good aim. Or a catapult or some shit. Hey, that gives me an idea. We gotta get a catapult. I'm sure they sell them on Amazon or something.
Cameraman Jeff: Please, no more things to abuse me with-
TJ Thompson: ANYWAY! We'll deal with the imposter later. That concludes our show! Hopefully you learned something. Or was at least entertained? I'm getting paid either way, so whatever. Signing off!
The HNN logo flies across the screen one more time and we cut to black.
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We open back up to TJ Thompson cleaning up pieces of broken glass and brick off the floor.
TJ Thompson: This shit gets tedious. If only we had a vacuum or something. Oh shit, you're filming?!? Fine. I guess I'll do this promo thing now. Guess who pinned the tag champs?!? Me and Caddy. I told you guys. If the belts were on the line, we'd be the champs right now. I knew they were bums all along, and y'all didn't believe me! We beat em clean! No shenanigans, no interference, just talent. Shame. Well when we eventually take those belts, you guys won't have anything to deny. The TJ and Caddy Connection is about to run wild on your asses, and there's nothing you can do about it, brother…yeah. We should be next in line for title shots, and when the time comes, we're taking that gold. Anywaaaaay, let's move on. The work ain't done yet. We might have pinned the tag champs in our first time teaming, but I guess we still gotta get our chemistry together. The solution to that?!? Another match. Brandon Hendrix and Stella Jade. I heard they're fucking or something. Cool? I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing for me. I guess they have that team chemistry, but that also means we inflict emotional damage on the other partner we're not beating up? Is that how science works?
Cameraman Jeff: I'm pretty sure that's not how science works.
TJ Thompson: Are you sure? Emotional damage hits harder than physical damage sometimes. I should know. I once dropped my burrito as soon as I took it outta the microwave. That was real suffering. Wargames were nothing compared to that. Someone should do research on that. I guess that's what we'll be doing in the ring! Getting beat up usually hurts, right? So how much do you think it'll hurt to get bodied in front of your girl? Humiliating. That's a question I gotta ask Brandon Hendrix. Man, imagine how you're gonna look to her when you're flat on your back but nonconsensually this time. That was weird. You know what I mean, though. Don't take that the wrong way. Embarrassing yourself is one thing, but in front of your significant other is another. Tough. And don't think you can do anything to prevent it, either. It's coming either way, you just gotta deal with it. Caddy and I are bringing the pain. We've teamed for exactly one match, and we already hold a win over the champs. This is a downgrade! What are the two of you gonna do to us?!? I know the answer to that. Not much. I will say one thing, though. You're good. Maybe hitting the dash and taking that time off was good for you. Before you left, you were nothing but a bum! Taking losses to every big name known to man, even me if you count that Seven Gates of Hell shit. I count it. You had big talk, but couldn't get it done against anyone not in the Kavengers and associates. When I saw that little declaration you made, I knew how it was gonna end. Retiring after you lose a match? Don't you know how many matches you lost before that? You really thought that some sentences would change your wrestling talent? And I was right? We didn't see you around for a long while. Not gonna lie, I forgot you existed.
Cameraman Jeff: Like you forgot Sauce was in BBB's basement?
TJ Thompson: Yeah. Just like that. Anyway, you dipped outta here, Brandon. An L was taken with speed, and we never saw you again until you came back. So much for retirement, right? Eh, you were gone for a while, so I guess it's fine. And when you came back, I was expecting more of the same, you know? And can you blame me? But you proved me wrong! You beat Elena, Levy, all those people. Good shit! I thought they were setting you up for failure off the bat, but they were really just making sure Elena did something useful before Mark took her out. I'm proud of you for lifting yourself outta jobber status. But does that mean you stand a chance against me? Nah, I won't go that far. You've been doing well so far, but I'm about to set you back a little bit. I might be a smaller name than the biggest one you beat, but look at me. I'm not losing to anyone who calls himself 'Based' unironically. And I doubt Caddy is either. You've come far since your days as some bum, but I'm about to remind you what it feels like to be back there. And in front of your girl, too.
Cameraman Jeff: At least he's getting some bitches!
TJ Thompson: Listen. I'm working on it, alright? It's a tough life in the streets. For some reason, females run when they see me. Maybe I should start carrying around flowers or something. I'm sure it'll turn around soon. Don't attack me like this. Anyway, y'all don't stand a chance against your boy. I'm hungry. I'm dangerous. Y'all might be that as well, but not enough to beat me. After big boy Hendrix, we got Stella Jade. I'm going to give it to you straight, Stella, before this shit, I had no idea who you are. I still don't, not gonna lie. What significance do you have to me?!? Not much. Other than that I have to beat you up, that is. I heard you’re into that witchcraft shit. I’m down. I won’t hate on it. Just don’t turn me into a frog. Alex Jones told me that tap water turned the frogs gay. Is that accurate? I don’t know the genders of frogs I see getting it on, so I guess we’ll never know. That’s cool though. Maybe you could magic up some drip. I’m sure you’re a nice enough person to not use it to cheat, I’m not worried about it. Just don’t get too pissed off when it’s all over and put a curse on me. That wouldn’t be nice.
Cameraman Jeff: Maybe she can summon some bitches for you!
TJ Thompson: That’s too far, bro. Too far. Anyway, what else is there to say about you? You better leave those tarot cards at home. Papercuts are the devil. I’ve been thrown into steel, tacks, and other objects you probably don’t want to fall on, but tiny papercuts in your skin?!? Only a psychopath enjoys those. And I’ve faced a lot of psychopaths. Or at least people that think they’re psychopaths. You’re interesting. I’ve never seen a real witch before, and a wrestling witch? This sounds like some of that lame shit people on the internet make up. But it’s real! And I’m actually interested to see if the wrestling part is legit, or you’re nothing special. For my sake, hopefully, the latter.
Cameraman Jeff: Why, you scared?
TJ Thompson: Nah, I just wanna win with as little effort as possible! Gotta save energy to make sure BBB doesn’t relapse. Anyway, let’s get this shit, Caddy. We already have a huge dub under our belts, this should be a walk in the park! I know we haven’t been teaming together for a while. Management decided that we both needed something to do and put us together, but so far it looks like it’s working out. Let’s keep that train rolling, bro. After this little side quest, I see the tag titles in our future. Let’s make it happen.
We fade to black as TJ almost accidently slits his wrists with broken glass.