Loss

You’d think I’d feel naked… I’d be ashamed… I’d be vomiting up syllables from choking on my words… but truth be told… It feels like a weight has been lifted. It feels like a responsibility has been shed. And my downfall has led to others' success… Myojin is happy the other pillar in this company crumbled – it’s just funny – I’ve done most of the things they have in half the time. If your achievements are dependent on another person’s failures – there comes a point where you have to look at yourself in the mirror and come face to face with your own demons.

The only thing making me upset was the fact Rachel wasn’t taking any of my calls… I guess she was hoping things fizzle out when I am on the road. But not having her to bury my thoughts – I’m stuck thinking about Sara – how she was taken from me – and how I have no other choice but to play nice with the special agent responsible. He’d never believe me. I didn't ask her to cut the breaks on his dad's vehicle – but I don’t think it’s believable that someone could love me enough to put themselves in such a risky position.

She was a good one.

They don’t make women like her anymore.

But let’s be honest, I belong down here with the heathens and hookers, the roaches and fucking crabs scurrying in pubic hair.

I pushed the end call button on my iPhone angrily and exited the public bathroom. Bash and Voodoo haven’t moved from their booth in the bar. I rejoined the table.

“So what is the plan now, where exactly do you go from here,” Voodoo asked, so used to me being strapped up with at least 10 pounds of gold, being a champion more often than not my entire career.

“It’s all ebbs and flows V, you should know that with all this mambo jambo you are into,” Bash said, having been by my side long enough to know I can hit drastic slumps.

“So we take aim at the top title,” she asks.

The reviews were coming in from last night’s CU:LT debut show – something I was pressured into starting because of blackmail by the special agent.

“Let’s just take it how it comes. Leave the booking in the hands of Project Honor and let the chips fall where they may. I just want to fucking fight. Maybe it’ll be nice to get the pressure off… like I said before my last match I have no fucking desire to get a rematch for the Warrior Rising Championship… a fucking roll up took me out… that’s how it goes sometimes.”

I took a sip of my whiskey as both Bash and V seemed taken aback by my calmness.

“Trust me, Giovanni is not a bad partner… and he’s not even the person I have my eye on. I feel like I have only been beaten straight up once in this company and it was when I faced Myojin… I haven’t been the same since.”

I finished my whiskey in one gulp. My mind felt like it was unraveling, main eventing at Proving Ground – running a new promotion. It was getting too hard on me, it is starting to wear me down.

“This isn’t a one on one match,” Bash said. “That opportunity will come soon enough.”

Myojin and I were getting ready to battle for a second time at an upcoming supercard event – my chance for redemption and this match at Proving Ground could be the perfect step along the way. If I can get Giovanni onboard with me – well all I need is help planting a seed of doubt – I know Myojin’s fragile mind is the perfect fertilizer for it.

“Yeah, I know,” I tell Bash and V as I get up from the table and walk outside of the bar putting a cigarette between my lips as I exit.

I pull out my cell right there outside the bar and start cutting a promo – leaving Voodoo and Bash at the table to talk. I had been getting up and leaving all evening to call Rachel anyway. They thought taking me to the bar might get my mind off of it – get a couple drinks in me and maybe I can focus on my own career and not be obsessed with running a company or falling in love with a hooker.

I let the flashing neon open sign come into focus of my cell and click record before sloley panning it over to myself – a cigarette hanging from between my lips.

“Something feels like it is missing doesn’t it? Highway robbery was committed on Proving Ground the other week when Giovanni rolled me up, and you know what kid? I am not even mad. I am hoping that gives us an advantage going into this. It’ll be like seeing an old friend, and ex-girlfriend when I see that title around your waist… she still smells like my stale cigarettes – but just like relationships – sometimes you just gotta move on. For three seconds you were the better man. I am big enough to admit that – just…,” I sigh, blowing smoke into the camera. “Treat her right big guy.”

I pretend to wipe a tear from my eye then smirk.

“If you are good enough to beat me, then I’d say we are in good shape coming to Proving Ground. See I know other people in this match have bigger problems with one another, like I said – I don’t have a target on your back. No offense I have bigger fish to fry – other places to be. You get it. You’re one of those jet flyin types and now you have some title gold,” I pause to whistle.“So keep that big dick energy or whatever it’s called because I want nothing more than to fuck these other two teams up.”

“Arata Asakura you have been around the world, came up through poverty and become literally a global name winning championship in any promotion of significance you have been in and boy has it rightfully gone to your head. I see a lot of similarities in us Arata. See I too had God complex, hell I still do… I called myself The Messiah a decade before anyone else. I spread my own gospel and I made believers out of everyone I stepped in the ring with. I know you have this relationship with the God of Thunder, but if you are going to reign it won’t be over me. When you step in the ring with me if you get the lucky chance, I’m going to remind you of the streets you came from. I’m going to stomp those fucking shades off your face and make you look into my eyes – you came here to earn respect for Japanesse wrestling – I’ve heard the story time and time again. I’ve been in the ring with the foreign star who came across the pond to collect a huge check – you can say it’s in the name of God all you want, you can say it’s to spread respect for everyone back home – but truth be told… like everyone else who left the Toyko Dome for MSG… you sold the fuck out.”

I shake my head, ashing my cigarette and propping up a phantom championship on my shoulder. The Warrior Championship was like another appendage for me being attached to it for so long.

“Emmanuelle, I know that you know Arta doesn’t have your back. At least both of you have the simple fact you only do this for the money and fame in common. There is no passion in anything you do, you just want to collect gold, collect money and get the fuck out. I wouldn't be surprised if you and Arata feuding is as staged as an Oscars slap. Sure you have had different paths to the ring, you from the lap of luxury… no wonder you have absolutely no respect for anything in this sport… you’ve been handed opportunity after opportunity. That’s probably why you don’t have the Grand Championship anymore. I’m not the only one newly naked, newly stripped of their dignity – just I don't need those accolades to keep me fueled, unlike you I do this for the blood under my fucking nails. You got into those just to feel something – think this shit is a place for suburban Fight Club fans… Emmanuelle I’ll do you a favor – I’ll rip your fucking head off and glady take your spot at the top. You can retire, take that fat insurance check from Project Honor and go back to painting you nails by the pool in Beverly Hills or whatever gated community your pampered little ass crawled out of.”

I toss my cigarette to the sidewalk and step on it. If I wanted to win I needed to sow the seeds of doubt in each one of the teams in the match.

“Shelldrake – now you are someone I could fuck with. And I know you are smart enough to know Myojin is only in this for themselves. You fought your way through the indies, you aren’t into that pretty boy bullshit and I like that style. I like that grit – I think you’re the type of man who could earn my respect. You are the type of wrestler who learns as they go… I wasn’t trained at a specific school either, I also have this natural ability to kill, kill, kill. But you haven’t fine tuned it yet, you haven’t found a way to truly use it to your advantage. I could teach you so much. You have an even win loss record because you’ve leapt in with the lions… I know what that is like… iron sharpens iron and all that. Well Shelldrake, just know I got my eye on you kid… I think we could do some good work in this ring… across from one another… or on the same side. Hell feel free to make that decision live on Proving Ground.”

I smirk, hoping I am somehow breaking down the already rocky relationships each of my opponents have with one another.

“Now Myojin, I know you are busy… I know you have a lot on your plate. Hell you and I have a tango coming up again soon at Murder She Wrote, but Proving Ground has nothing to do with that. It’s all about working with others and well I don’t think you are so good at that. You talk about being content alone, then cry on social media about not having a Valentine. It’s utterly pathetic the mood swings of ‘look how pretty I am’ to ‘no one will love me’ all manufactured emotion for attention and I can see right through it. You want people to feel sorry for you – you want to bask in achievements without actually doing the fucking work. You brag about being the longest reigning champion in this company's history when it was solely dependent on when I lost my championship and last I checked I’ve been a little more of a fighting champion than you… but I get it… someone like you with deep commitment issues even to loving yourself… well you don’t want to lose the oversized engagement ring do ya?”

I smirk, putting another cigarette between my lips.

“Ya know Myojin, I could even see it with your flirty behavior online. Asking me to watch a movie after I kick your teeth down your throat… you put up this demeanor, but I know all you want is pleasure… I just don’t think you’ve endured enough pain quite yet to know what that is truly like. You’ve had an easy ride in this company, hell a whole year head start on me… and I’m talked about just the same. I’m putting out match of the night after match of the night… It might not look like it in action, but I make my opponents better, the competition as a whole better… but I’m tired of thinning the herd of sheep… Myojin you’re a lion…I’m prepared to lead you off a cliff… and I don’t mind tumbling with ya.”

I flick the camera off, not even giving a proper exit. Cigarette hanging between my lips I walk down the street of Boston, past the pubs and piss filled alleyways the stench unavailable.

I could hear the tires behind me slow just a few blocks from the bar I was at. I turn my head to look at the blacked out Cadillac. The passenger window rolls down slowly and from the drive’s seat Special Agent Hancock says, “Congratulations.”

“Hell of a show wasn’t it,” I said, smoking my cigarette slowly and glaring at him, assuming he is talking about CU:LT’s debut show Manson Family Values.

“No the baby,” he said, the cigarette fell from my mouth – everything went silent.

“What…. Do you mean?” I ask, softer than I expected.

“That whore you’ve been fooling around with, Rachel she told you her name was,” He looks at his watch… “Ah, time is running out though, think the appointment is in a few weeks to take care of it. Probably for the best you know.”

Hancock winks at me rolling the window up. This was his play – my head was getting to big. I was proving I was in control, that I knew the business, that I was wearing the pants in this relationship. This was his chance to flip it all around – show me he can get info I can’t.

I had to talk to Rachel… my ex… my championship… that’s one thing… but..

My son.

My daughter.

Well, that’d be a loss I couldn’t take.