Post by serranopoblano on Mar 16, 2022 18:17:09 GMT -5
Seated in the driver’s seat of his cherry-red Ford Pinto is none other than Serrano Poblano, co-founder of The KaVengers and the self-proclaimed Sultan of Spice. As he begins to record from his dash-mounted GoPro, The Heater appears to be making a call on his vintage car phone.
SERRANO POBLANO: Hey, Guy! It’s your Spice Daddy calling. You know, Serrano Poblano? Sorry you couldn’t answer your phone, but I just wanted to make sure you were still on for poker night at Uncle Larry’s. Call me back when you can, or I’ll see you there. It’s Serrano!
With a shake of his head, Serrano ends the call and then immediately begins making another one. He waits for a few moments until he begins to speak again.
SERRANO POBLANO: ¡Hola, amigo mío! Es serrano llamando. Solo quería asegurarme de que vienes a la noche de póker. ¡Mantente picante, amigo mío! ¡Es Serrano Poblano!
He hangs up the phone and takes a quick look at the camera, still not bothering to watch the road despite driving along a somewhat busy interstate.
SERRANO POBLANO: What? Surprised that your Sultan of Spice is bi? It’s the 20’s, baby! Everyone speaks both ways!
Serrano then makes another call on his phone and his expression brightens when he actually gets an answer.
SERRANO POBLANO: Noah! I’m glad you answered! No one else is able to get to their phones!
He pauses and listens…
SERRANO POBLANO: It’s Serrano…
…and pauses again…
SERRANO POBLANO: Serrano Poblano? Spice Daddy of the KaVengers? One of your bestest friends in the entire world? Yeah…that Serrano. Listen, I just wanted to make sure you were still on for poker night at KaChow’s crib. I know Percy is too busy with all his owner and manager responsibilities and none of us have heard from Rapture since the hospital but…
There is another pause as Noah responds to him, his voice just loud enough over the car phone to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher.
SERRANO POBLANO: What do you mean ‘Larry canceled’? He didn’t call to tell me…
There is more squawking from Noah as Serrano listens intently.
SERRANO POBLANO: Of course Larry likes me! I’m Percy’s best friend and Larry is his surrogate uncle! Well, anyway, thanks for letting me know, Noah. I guess I’ll just meet up with you at the shows this week. I’m really jonesing for some broski time. Poblano out!
Serrano ends his call and hangs up the car phone, finally ready to focus his attention on the camera so that he can deliver his contractually-mandated promotional material.
SERRANO POBLANO: This is gonna be a big week for my fellow KaVengers and I. Our dear friend, Ratman, is killing it over on Fallout and yours truly has a chance to face Arata Asakura for the Grand Championship on Proving Ground! Plus, Guy and El Puma get to beat up some bum in a handicap match! How cool is that?!
Serrano suddenly swerves to the left as a honking car speeds past him.
SERRANO POBLANO: I know you were all disappointed when The KaVengers got taken out backstage last week. I really wish I knew what happened, but we were all blindsided from behind. It was probably some evil new group that wanted to make an impact by taking out Project: Honor’s premiere stable. We’re not gonna let that get us down, though! The KaVengers are stronger than ever now that Percy is running Fallout! Sure, he hasn’t booked any of us yet, but that’s not his fault. He has to deal with Petey dictating everything he says since he can’t read or write. I’m guessing that Petey left us off the booking sheet as a rib! Those Drip guys…such jokesters!
This time Serrano makes a hard swerve to the right as he barely avoids another oncoming car. By all appearances, it would seem like he’s actually driving on the wrong side of the freeway.
SERRANO POBLANO: Well this week I’m gonna track Percy down for some broski time on Fallout, which is just what I need before I win the Spring Break Triathlon on Proving Ground before finally meeting Arata Asakura in the greatest championship match of all time! You see, I’ve been studying my opponents in the three events and I know I can win it all! I mean, Stella Jade? Who’s she ever beaten besides Brandon Hendrix? And it’s gonna take more than a skilled set of hands to keep The Sultan of Spice from coming…
Another loud honk and sudden swerve.
SERRANO POBLANO: …up short! Next there’s Malachite Minj, my friend Percy’s arch-nemesis! That pussy cat can’t handle my heat! In fact, I’m gonna spank that kitty so hard that I’ll have to hang it out to dry! I mean, for real! We’re having a cannonball dive contest and a wet t-shirt event! How is a catboy gonna even compete? Speaking of which, can you imagine Officer Greyfield beating me in a wet t-shirt contest? Get real! I’ve seen him in the locker room and definition and tone don’t mean anything to him beyond the picture settings on his TV! Now John Blade on the other hand, that dude is ripped like a Greek God! Thankfully, we’ll also be playing beer pong! I’ve won more games than you can shake a sandal at! As for John Blade? He may be a champion now, but we still know he doesn’t have the necessary set of skills to compete at a high level in beer pong!
Serrano cranks the steering wheel hard to the left, and as we hear his tires screeching, the background out of his windows seems to spin out of control.
SERRANO POBLANO: Now Diana, there’s a tough lady! But still, she’s gotta be…what…a 36? A 38? I’m not really good at math so I don’t know how to figure win percentages, but if hers is bigger than a 40 I’ll eat my own shorts! Then there’s some new kid named Mikey Hero. He weighs about a buck twenty when he’s soaking wet! There’s no way that kid can hold his beer or make a splash in the diving contest. Go back to the minors, have a few milkshakes, and come back when you weigh more than my morning crap, kid! Finally, speaking of crap, there’s this Douglas Crane nutjob! I admit, he’s probably a tough guy in the ring, but when you stack him up against The Sultan of Spice when it comes to working the booty or drowning some brewskis, he’s gonna be just another victim! I just hope someone finally does Release him so I can wish him well in his future endeavors!
He slaps the horn on his steering wheel a few times as someone in a passing car sticks their middle finger out the passenger window.
SERRANO POBLANO: Finally, it will come down to me and The One Real Shogun himself, Arata Asakura. Man, you’re definitely a bad dude and you’ve had my number in the past, but you’re going to be facing an entirely new Serrano Poblano than you did in the past! I’m a new man! I’m a valued member of the greatest stable in wrestling as well as a valued member of the roster! I’m so damn talented, they let me compete on all the brands! I’ve even got Paul Quinton begging me to sign up for the next season of Pursuit! Savannah Sunshine is knocking down my door in the hopes that I’ll be a trainer on Project Underground! They even made me a playable character in the new PH 2K22 game! Look!
Serrano holds up a piece of paper with an image of his video game character on it. The lack of cellulose texturing clearly reveals that it’s something he made in the creation suite.
SERRANO POBLANO: The bottom line is that none of you can handle the heat I’m bringing to Spring Break! Not nutjob Crane, not funbags Diana, not Brandon Hendrix’s girlfriend, and not even Arata Asakura! This week there will be a new Grand Champion in Project: Honor and his name will be…
The GoPro camera flies off the dash as Serrano slams his Ford Pinto into guardrail, creating a jarring spiral of movement on the screen…
SERRANO POBLANO: MOTHER OF FIERI’S BALLS OF FIRE I’M GONNA DIEFUCKSHITDAMNBITCHCUNT!!!
…until it finally lands safely in the backseat, giving us a final glimpse of an upside-down Serrano still seated in the driver’s seat. Thankfully, he seems to only be mildly shaken, allowing him to finish his sentence before he reaches back to switch off the camera.
SERRANO POBLANO: ….PERRANO SOBLANO!
SERRANO POBLANO: Hey, Guy! It’s your Spice Daddy calling. You know, Serrano Poblano? Sorry you couldn’t answer your phone, but I just wanted to make sure you were still on for poker night at Uncle Larry’s. Call me back when you can, or I’ll see you there. It’s Serrano!
With a shake of his head, Serrano ends the call and then immediately begins making another one. He waits for a few moments until he begins to speak again.
SERRANO POBLANO: ¡Hola, amigo mío! Es serrano llamando. Solo quería asegurarme de que vienes a la noche de póker. ¡Mantente picante, amigo mío! ¡Es Serrano Poblano!
He hangs up the phone and takes a quick look at the camera, still not bothering to watch the road despite driving along a somewhat busy interstate.
SERRANO POBLANO: What? Surprised that your Sultan of Spice is bi? It’s the 20’s, baby! Everyone speaks both ways!
Serrano then makes another call on his phone and his expression brightens when he actually gets an answer.
SERRANO POBLANO: Noah! I’m glad you answered! No one else is able to get to their phones!
He pauses and listens…
SERRANO POBLANO: It’s Serrano…
…and pauses again…
SERRANO POBLANO: Serrano Poblano? Spice Daddy of the KaVengers? One of your bestest friends in the entire world? Yeah…that Serrano. Listen, I just wanted to make sure you were still on for poker night at KaChow’s crib. I know Percy is too busy with all his owner and manager responsibilities and none of us have heard from Rapture since the hospital but…
There is another pause as Noah responds to him, his voice just loud enough over the car phone to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher.
SERRANO POBLANO: What do you mean ‘Larry canceled’? He didn’t call to tell me…
There is more squawking from Noah as Serrano listens intently.
SERRANO POBLANO: Of course Larry likes me! I’m Percy’s best friend and Larry is his surrogate uncle! Well, anyway, thanks for letting me know, Noah. I guess I’ll just meet up with you at the shows this week. I’m really jonesing for some broski time. Poblano out!
Serrano ends his call and hangs up the car phone, finally ready to focus his attention on the camera so that he can deliver his contractually-mandated promotional material.
SERRANO POBLANO: This is gonna be a big week for my fellow KaVengers and I. Our dear friend, Ratman, is killing it over on Fallout and yours truly has a chance to face Arata Asakura for the Grand Championship on Proving Ground! Plus, Guy and El Puma get to beat up some bum in a handicap match! How cool is that?!
Serrano suddenly swerves to the left as a honking car speeds past him.
SERRANO POBLANO: I know you were all disappointed when The KaVengers got taken out backstage last week. I really wish I knew what happened, but we were all blindsided from behind. It was probably some evil new group that wanted to make an impact by taking out Project: Honor’s premiere stable. We’re not gonna let that get us down, though! The KaVengers are stronger than ever now that Percy is running Fallout! Sure, he hasn’t booked any of us yet, but that’s not his fault. He has to deal with Petey dictating everything he says since he can’t read or write. I’m guessing that Petey left us off the booking sheet as a rib! Those Drip guys…such jokesters!
This time Serrano makes a hard swerve to the right as he barely avoids another oncoming car. By all appearances, it would seem like he’s actually driving on the wrong side of the freeway.
SERRANO POBLANO: Well this week I’m gonna track Percy down for some broski time on Fallout, which is just what I need before I win the Spring Break Triathlon on Proving Ground before finally meeting Arata Asakura in the greatest championship match of all time! You see, I’ve been studying my opponents in the three events and I know I can win it all! I mean, Stella Jade? Who’s she ever beaten besides Brandon Hendrix? And it’s gonna take more than a skilled set of hands to keep The Sultan of Spice from coming…
Another loud honk and sudden swerve.
SERRANO POBLANO: …up short! Next there’s Malachite Minj, my friend Percy’s arch-nemesis! That pussy cat can’t handle my heat! In fact, I’m gonna spank that kitty so hard that I’ll have to hang it out to dry! I mean, for real! We’re having a cannonball dive contest and a wet t-shirt event! How is a catboy gonna even compete? Speaking of which, can you imagine Officer Greyfield beating me in a wet t-shirt contest? Get real! I’ve seen him in the locker room and definition and tone don’t mean anything to him beyond the picture settings on his TV! Now John Blade on the other hand, that dude is ripped like a Greek God! Thankfully, we’ll also be playing beer pong! I’ve won more games than you can shake a sandal at! As for John Blade? He may be a champion now, but we still know he doesn’t have the necessary set of skills to compete at a high level in beer pong!
Serrano cranks the steering wheel hard to the left, and as we hear his tires screeching, the background out of his windows seems to spin out of control.
SERRANO POBLANO: Now Diana, there’s a tough lady! But still, she’s gotta be…what…a 36? A 38? I’m not really good at math so I don’t know how to figure win percentages, but if hers is bigger than a 40 I’ll eat my own shorts! Then there’s some new kid named Mikey Hero. He weighs about a buck twenty when he’s soaking wet! There’s no way that kid can hold his beer or make a splash in the diving contest. Go back to the minors, have a few milkshakes, and come back when you weigh more than my morning crap, kid! Finally, speaking of crap, there’s this Douglas Crane nutjob! I admit, he’s probably a tough guy in the ring, but when you stack him up against The Sultan of Spice when it comes to working the booty or drowning some brewskis, he’s gonna be just another victim! I just hope someone finally does Release him so I can wish him well in his future endeavors!
He slaps the horn on his steering wheel a few times as someone in a passing car sticks their middle finger out the passenger window.
SERRANO POBLANO: Finally, it will come down to me and The One Real Shogun himself, Arata Asakura. Man, you’re definitely a bad dude and you’ve had my number in the past, but you’re going to be facing an entirely new Serrano Poblano than you did in the past! I’m a new man! I’m a valued member of the greatest stable in wrestling as well as a valued member of the roster! I’m so damn talented, they let me compete on all the brands! I’ve even got Paul Quinton begging me to sign up for the next season of Pursuit! Savannah Sunshine is knocking down my door in the hopes that I’ll be a trainer on Project Underground! They even made me a playable character in the new PH 2K22 game! Look!
Serrano holds up a piece of paper with an image of his video game character on it. The lack of cellulose texturing clearly reveals that it’s something he made in the creation suite.
SERRANO POBLANO: The bottom line is that none of you can handle the heat I’m bringing to Spring Break! Not nutjob Crane, not funbags Diana, not Brandon Hendrix’s girlfriend, and not even Arata Asakura! This week there will be a new Grand Champion in Project: Honor and his name will be…
CRASH
The GoPro camera flies off the dash as Serrano slams his Ford Pinto into guardrail, creating a jarring spiral of movement on the screen…
SERRANO POBLANO: MOTHER OF FIERI’S BALLS OF FIRE I’M GONNA DIEFUCKSHITDAMNBITCHCUNT!!!
…until it finally lands safely in the backseat, giving us a final glimpse of an upside-down Serrano still seated in the driver’s seat. Thankfully, he seems to only be mildly shaken, allowing him to finish his sentence before he reaches back to switch off the camera.
SERRANO POBLANO: ….PERRANO SOBLANO!