Post by Andrea Cross on Mar 13, 2022 3:21:57 GMT -5
[ Diary of Andrea Cross, 08-02-2014 ]
I knew this day would come, mom and Uncle Jack tried to tell me otherwise and protect me from pain, tried to sooth my worries. But I always knew this day would come from the first day I found out.
Dad passed away yesterday.
We were all there, and even though he smiled at the end, I haven’t felt able to smile ever since it happened. But I also haven’t cried, and I don’t know if it’s because I don’t care for it, or maybe I am just tired because I haven’t been able to sleep either.
Mom has been crying for as long as I can remember, she has always been so strong and tough, and now she’s sad for months, nothing Uncle Jack says makes it better, nothing dad said made it better, it didn’t matter how much dad fought and tried to ease our worries. And in the end, she cried and I couldn’t.
Mom says it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. I’m supposed to be sad and cry, but I only feel tired and empty, my friends try to cheer me up or try to feel bad for me, but I can’t even feel bad for myself so what does it mean that others feel bad for me?
Maybe it was because he was barely home because of his work, maybe I’m one of those psychopaths they talk about on the internet, the type that can only feel bad when it’s about them, but not when it’s about someone else. Maybe something broke inside of me that cannot be fixed?
But I think one thing I did get was an idea, a dream. Because dad always talked about wrestling, he was always on the road because of it with Uncle Jack, but they never got to be on television, dad always talked about one day becoming famous and buying me everything I wanted. But I think the only thing that I want now is one more summer day at the beach, one more story about someone he could only overcome at the last second through sheer luck, one more memory to add to this stupid diary.
I don’t want a nice car when I turn sixteen, I want him to cheer for me succeeding at Judo. I want him to give me a hug and tell me that this was all just a terrible nightmare and everything will be fine going forward.
But I know that I can’t get those things anymore, that this is not a bad dream, but maybe I can do one thing to make him proud of me.
Mom won’t like it, Jack will say I’m stupid… But I am going to become a wrestler myself, and do the things he couldn’t do. I am going to become famous like he talked about, so that mom can be happy, so that everyone can be happy. So that I will be happy.
Dad’s last words to me where: ‘You’ll always be my brightest star’…
I promise I will become your brightest star.
I love you dad.
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I know people like you, Joseph Blaze. the words of Andrea Cross echoed.
The scene opens and Andrea stands in a darkened room, featureless and drab, with only the young wrestler standing brightly in the center.
I have seen your type, I have speaken to your type, I have dealt with people of your type… Not in a wrestling ring, but in real life, outside the door and in front of my house. You are the snake oil salesman, the man that promises answers to people overwhelmed with questions. Andrea said, her voice serious and lacking the usual Kiwi charm to it.
Raising a hand, she started counting down her fingers.
Why did this happen to me, why did they leave me, why is there nothing I can do to fix this pain I feel inside of me, why, why, why. That’s the people you prey on, because that’s all you are, a predator who seeks to ‘enlighten’ people who are at their most vulnerable and you come in and you promise them a message, or answers to soul-rending questions. You promise salvation, but all you do is continue people their suffering just to sate your own ego, your greed for attention, your necessity to control the lives of the ones that feel like they have lost control of their own.
Letting in a breath, the room started to take more shape, Andrea stood in a bedroom of a young woman, her own bedroom many years ago.
When I was fourteen, I lost my father to cancer. He was the hardest fighter I knew, who never walked away from a battle, but he lost his battle, and at only thirty-six he lost his biggest fight in his life and left my mother and left me behind trying to figure out how to continue having lost our north star, our spiritual and emotional center.
A door rings in the distance, but Andrea merely stays seated at the edge of her childhood bed, staring a dagger at the camera.
My mother was heartbroken, I was heartbroken and aimless. And then people like you crawl out from the undercurrent to try and drag us down with you. The ones that say that there’s always a plan, that it all happened for a reason, even the ones that dared claim to speak to my deceased father to try and find a way into our lives, sink their claws into our souls. she continued as frustration was clear in her voice.
But then the sound of a door slamming could be heard in the distance, and Andrea smiled as her eyes sparkled again.
But like my father, me and my mother are also fighters. We were lost without him, but we had each other, my uncle was there to help every step of the way, and we continue fighting because that’s what my father wanted us to do. To be happy, to find happiness, to keep fighting every single day and not let despair rot us to our very core. Andrea explained further.
The scene shifted once more, and now Andrea stood in the middle of a ring, pig-tailed and fresh faced not a freckle over eighteen, taking her first bumps and learning how to survive in a wrestling ring.
My father inspired me to keep fighting, and I took it upon myself to find myself a goal in life that would make me happy knowing that it would make him happy. I cheated a little, because I picked a dream that he also had inside of him, one he never got to achieve. To become a wrestling star, to one day show up on television and to achieve fame in front of thousands of cheering fans who wanted to see him fight… He never got that luck, he fought hard but it never afforded him a fulfilled dream.
Ducking a clothesline, A young Andrea expertly countered it into an armbar and her faceless adversary quickly taps out.
And now I’m on Project Underground just like you Joseph Blaze, on the cusp of achieving what he dreamt of. Knowing that he’d be happy knowing I got this far, that I am loving what I am doing, and that I have a goal in life. That I am not roaming around aimlessly, seeking answers and accepting questions from people that would want to lead me astray.
Taking a seat on the edge of the apron, Andrea gave a wave at the image of her younger self, infinitely more dreaming, not yet aware of how hard the path would become.
I never sought answers from people that I don’t trust, and sometimes I straight up don’t listen to the people that I do trust. When I tore my ligaments in my left knee and the doctors said I shouldn’t wrestle anymore, I was in the gym the first day the cast came off to begin my rehab against everyone’s wishes, because my dream had never changed, and I had vowed to never feel aimless.
For split seconds, images of Andrea crashing and burning would flash by. Moments of pain, frustration, anger and doubt clear to see, but it all ending with her standing in the ring once more with a smile on her face that could melt ice.
So listen to me for your own sake. You and me are in this company with different goals, I know my own and I honestly don’t wish to even ask what your goals are. But don’t think you can step into the ring with me and play your play on me, there are no heart strings you can tug that I don’t have a hold off myself. Not anymore, I was a scared fourteen year old that had lost her father and felt empty inside, but that person kept fighting and dreaming knowing that the person I lost would be proud for what I achieved. Andrea would put a hand on her heart as she heartfully made her plea.
Getting off the apron, she’d step around a bit as she sought her next words.
And then she smiled a little. The funny thing is, my father was also named Joseph. But Joseph Cross was a better man than Joseph Blaze can ever aspire to. Whilst you are looking to fool people with false promises, false senses of security, and false hope. My father would be telling them to keep fighting, and keep pursuing their dreams knowing that at the end of the fight the answers would be clear as day.
Balling her hand into a fist, she looked defiant at the camera.
I have learned there are no guaranteed answers in life nor in that ring, I know you’re good and a genuine danger in the ring, but I will bring a fight you’ve not yet had to face thus far. So whilst I don’t know what you even fight for, you will find out soon enough what I fight for. Andrea spoke intently as her voice trailed off at the end.
Finally the scene would shift to the final resting place of tired souls who deserve rest after their final battle. And as Andrea sniffed the fragrant flowers her mother had picked for her, she smiled as she knelt next to the grave.
Tracing her fingers across the inscriptions on the marble headstone, she’d smile warmly before placing the flowers in front of it.
| Joseph Cross – 1978-2014 – The southern Cross finds its way home under the light of brighter stars |
I’ll be your brightest star, dad. she’d softly whisper as she stood herself back up.
Feeling the hand on her shoulder, Andrea would share a smile with her uncle and trainer.
So, did you get any answers? Uncle Jack asked inquisitively.
Staying silent for a few seconds, she’d think about the question, but merely repeat with a small shrug.
No, but I think I’m getting there… she’d answer with cautious optimism.
Fade
1860 Words |