THE F'N EDGE: EPISODE 8 (WAR IN THE SUN)

OFF CAMERA…CANCUN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

To say that becoming the joint owners of a successful wrestling promotion had changed Lil’ Petey and Indy Darling would be a complete fabrication. Sure, they had money at their disposal, access to global contacts, and a legitimate reason to travel to Cancun a week before either Fallout or Proving Ground, but that wasn’t why they were doing it. They made the journey out of a sense of friendship…nay…brotherhood. Petey was still a Motherfucker at heart and Indy continued to consider himself one half of Chocolate Thunder and White Lightning. The guilt trip that Julius gave them didn’t hurt either. Bottom line…he called in a favor, and they didn’t hesitate to answer.

Standing near one of the many terminals in Cancun International Airport, the two men were ready to do their part to solve the ongoing issues Julius was having with The Global Illuminati and the secret society that opposed them known as The Purple Reign. They had taken separate flights and planned to meet, hoping that would keep the prying eyes of both organizations from realizing that they were up to something. The Hawaiian shirts, wide brimmed straw hats, and fake mustaches that both men were wearing was not part of the original plan. That, along with the fake names they were traveling under, was all Petey’s contribution.

INDY DARLING: This is so dumb. My upper lip itches.

Petey turned to smack Indy on his shoulder.

LIL PETEY: Stop scratching it, dawg! You’re gonna draw attention to us!

Indy scrunched his brow and shot his business partner an incredulous look.

INDY DARLING: Are you serious? Everyone on that plane recognized us, Petey.

LIL PETEY: Bro, you suck at this undercover shit. Stop using my real name!

Indy let out a heavy sigh, having done his best to forget the aliases Petey had assigned them.

INDY DARLING: Right. What was it again?

LIL PETEY: I’m Pietro Maxmillion Littleton the Third…Esquire! I’m a Swiss millionaire who made his fortune as a chocolatier and I do nude photography in my free time.

INDY DARLING: Right. Sorry, Pietro. And I am?

This time it was Petey who gave a frustrated sigh, like a parent who’s repeated themselves to their child one time too many.

LIL PETEY: You’re Darla Indianna, a German soldier I rescued and nursed back to health during that big war a couple of years ago. Vietnam! And now you owe me a life debt that you’re paying off by hand-feeding me grapes n’ shit!

Indy rolled his eyes behind his blue aviators as he sarcastically nodded his head.

INDY DARLING: Sure. Makes perfect sense. I can’t think of a more German name than Darla Indianna…

Suddenly, breaking his own rules, Petey raised his voice and enthusiastically pointed his finger toward a nearby terminal, drawing the attention of everyone around them.

LIL PETEY: Yo! It’s our boy!

If it were a cinematic scene, everything would have fallen into slow motion as Julius Fairweather, dressed in his normally suave three piece suit, strutted toward Petey and Indy. Then, emerging from behind him, Slade Castle appeared. Wearing black jeans and a leather jacket, he somehow managed to look even more badass than his tag team partner. Petey, however, was not pleased to see Julius’ companion.

LIL PETEY: I can’t believe Julius expects us to work with that shady Slade Castle.

INDY DARLING: Codenames, remember?

LIL PETEY: Oh, right. I can’t believe Sheamus L. Jackweather, the independent Irish film director, expects us to work with Wade Tassels, the sleazy male stripper.

INDY DARLING: Yeah…I can’t believe it either.

LIL PETEY: And they didn’t wear their mustaches? WTF?

INDY DARLING: Did you just say WTF? Whatever…maybe it’s because Julius already has a mustache?

LIL PETEY: Yeah, but I bought him a blonde one to throw people off…

The discussion is interrupted as Julius and Castle reach the two Project: Honor owners, Slade giving them an uncomfortable nod as Petey glares at him.

LIL PETEY: What’s up, Wade Tassels? Still making coin by shaking your schlong for the married ladies?

For a moment, Castle was completely clueless as to what Petey was talking about, until he suddenly remembered Julius mentioning their ridiculous codenames and asking him to play along. Of course, playing along with Petey’s antics was not something the hardened former Marine was willing to do.

SLADE CASTLE: Hey, Pete. Do me a favor and go fuck yourself sideways.

LIL PETEY: Bro, that ain’t even possible cause I’m sooooo hung! Sheeesh!

Already annoyed, Slade turned toward Julius.

SLADE CASTLE: I swear to God, Jules, you drag that little fuck into a dangerous spot with us, I’m gonna kill him myself.

INDY DARLING: Whoa! Ease up, Castle! We’re here for Julius, not for you. And Petey is still your boss. Show a little respect!

LIL PETEY: Yeah! And you’d both better start using our codenames!

INDY DARLING: Oh, fuck off, Pietro.

Finally, Julius was forced to speak up and put an end to the squabbling between his friends.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Enough! I asked you all to help me out because I don’t trust a whole lot of motherfuckers in this world. You just happen to be three of them, whether you like each other or not. Now let’s all just chill until the others get here…

The four did not have to wait long as Castle nudged Julius less than a minute later, nodding toward another terminal. While Pyro looked as edgy as always, at least James Edgebrook had agreed to play along. The group watched in silent amusement as James brushed the strands of long blonde hair from his face before adjusting his ample, yet obviously fake, breasts.

LIL PETEY: What a strange coincidence to meet up with I.P. Sitting, creator of the penile wonder drug, Vaigrow! And look! It’s her bodyguard, Egyptian archaeologist and man of adventure, Burt Fireman!

SLADE CASTLE: Okay. I’ll admit it. I could get used to calling him I.P. Sitting. How did you even come up with this shit?

LIL PETEY: Ayo! You haven’t been to PHfanfic.com yet?

Before Petey could elaborate, the group was joined by Pyro and Edgebrook. There was a brief exchange of fist bumps and pleasantries before the six men finally exited the airport to hail a couple of cabs. Slade, Pyro, Indy, and Petey piled into a minivan, leaving Julius and James to follow close behind in a taxi…





As the intro song fades away, we join James Edgebrook and Julius Fairweather as they prepare to bring us the latest episode of The F’n Edge from the backseat of a Mexican Taxicab on the streets of Cancun! While Julius is decked out in one of his finest black suits, James Edgebrook is inexplicably wearing a sundress and a blonde wig. For no obvious reason, this strange choice of apparel is not immediately explained.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Welcome to the latest episode of The F’n Edge! I’m your host, James Edgebrook…

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: And I’m the motherfucking Easter Bunny. Let’s get this shit on the road!

It seems as if my co-host is on a tight schedule this week, so without further ado, let’s get into our first segment!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Before we get into this week’s Elite Ten, there are a couple of honorable mentions we should discuss. The first of those is Big Match John Blade, who lost in his scheduled contest against Mikey Hero, only to become Project: Honor’s inaugural Triple A Champion mere moments later. With this new title being defended against anyone, anytime, anywhere, who knows what we may see in upcoming weeks.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Let’s give a little credit to Brandon Hendrix too. That motherfucker had the biggest win of his PH career so far when he got the win over previously ranked number ten, Elena DeDraca. That alone was almost enough to get his ass on this motherfucking list!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Now let’s find out who’s taken Elena’s position in that number ten spot!


JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Who’s making this motherfucking list? Indy Darling? One official match back and Mark Hunter is already in the Elite Ten? Indy may be one of my favorite motherfuckers, but this shit is ridiculous.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: It should be noted that Mark Hunter has earned a shot at the Legacy Championship because of his victory in that match. Not only that, but he got the winning pinfall over Grand Champion, Arata Asakura.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: And he owes Swindle Shelldrake a motherfucking pat on the back for his efforts! Next!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Mr. Wright makes an impressive return to our rankings this week with a non-title victory over Savannah Sunshine. After choosing not to compete at The Crowning, The Playground Champion fell out of the top ten, but now he’s back with a vengeance.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: That chubby motherfucker is one weird dude.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Indeed he is. At times he seems impervious to pain, a good reminder of how he became a champion on Fallout in the first place!


JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: The X-Factor Champion decided to take a week off, but that shit doesn’t come without repercussions! In this case, it means dropping down a couple spots in the Elite Ten for inactivity. Still, MYOJIN is set to defend their title against Swindle Shelldrake, and a win over The Kraken could shoot them back up a few spots.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Just as a loss could knock them off the list completely…

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Why do you have to be such a negative motherfucker?


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Alyssa continues her gradual climb in the rankings after adding another win to her record, this week over Angelo Caito. Not only that, but Alyssa earned herself a future shot at Mr. Wright and his Playground Championship in the process. While the eccentric leader of misfits may be a foreboding challenge, it’s still hard to deny that the future looks bright for Alyssa Grace.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: That fine momma beat me a few weeks back, which means she can beat any motherfucker on the roster at any given time!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: That’s an interesting way of measuring talent, Julius.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: That’s an interesting way to wear a sundress, James.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Huh? Oh shit…

There is a brief pause in the footage as if James and Julius are experiencing technical difficulties. When the feed resumes, James has gotten rid of his wig and his torso is covered by a more masculine Hawaiian shirt. Julius is slowly shaking his head with a disappointed expression.


JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Rounding out the bottom half of our top ten is this hard-hitting motherfucker! He just keeps on climbing up the list, one opponent at a time! Not only has The Gatekeeper Champion reached the number six spot, but I’m also gonna give him the official “Julius Fairweather’s Got His Eye on You” award!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Oh? A new award? What exactly does that mean, Julius?

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: It means I’ve got my eye on the motherfucker, you stupid piece of…

HONK! HONK!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: After suffering an unexpected defeat due to the treachery of his tag team partner, our Grand Champion has slipped a couple of spots to number five this week. We won’t fault Asakura too much since it was a loss in a tag team encounter, even if the combined efforts of Swindle Shelldrake and Mark Hunter did cost him a shot at the Legacy Championship.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Arata is a tough motherfucker so I’m sure he’ll bounce back. Then again, he doesn’t even know which member of the Proving Ground roster he’ll have to face at Spring Break. A successful title defense against one of those eight potential challengers could help get him back on track.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Just as a loss could prove to be disastrous for him.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: There you go with all that motherfucking negativity again…


JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Much to the surprise of many, Billy Bennett suffered her first loss at the last Fallout, losing the Ascension Championship as well as a shot at the motherfucking Prime title. Not only that, but Billy also came up short in beating Project: Honor’s win streak record, which must have been set by a very suave motherfucker.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Indeed. I’m sure that motherfucker was also extremely humble.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Billy’s bad week knocked her back a couple of spots on our list, but not everything is doom and gloom for that crazy little crackhead. She’s still got an upcoming shot at becoming Legacy Champion. All she has to do is beat the man who defeated her last week along with two of Proving Ground’s best. If she can do that, she might finally capture that elusive number one spot on our list!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: The Warrior Rising Champion reaches new heights on the list this week with yet another title defense, this one against the very talented TJ Thompson. Next up for Casanova English is Giovanni, but will the Artiste be the one to finally derail the champion?

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: If English is successful in that defense, he could very well rise in the rankings even more. Just how far can this motherfucker take the Warrior Rising Championship on our list?

JAMES EDGEBROOK: If Giovanni has anything to say about it, Casanova will have peaked by reaching number three.


JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: If this ain’t proof that you should never count The Platinum Standard down, I don’t know what is. She may no longer be the Grand Champion, but after a main event tag team win and an upcoming shot at the Legacy Championship, she’s actually higher on our list than the motherfucker who beat her at The Crowning.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: That alone is quite the interesting feat, even if Emmanuelle was not the one to capture the winning pinfall in that tag team match.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: She still got her hand raised at the expense of Arata Asakura, and that had to feel pretty motherfucking fabulous for Emmanuelle.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: And finally we come to our number one spot on the list this week, reserved for the one and only Ascended Prime Champion, The Nightmare Tyrant, Havoc. What an amazing few weeks it has been for this man. Not only did he unify the Ascension and Prime Titles, he did it by handing Billy Bennett her first loss. Of course this all came just two short weeks after he became the Tyrant of Project: Honor.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Me and this motherfucker have had plenty of bad blood between us, but I’ll never deny that he’s bad to the bone. These latest accomplishments are just more proof that he’s one of the best.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: If Havoc moves on to become Legacy Champion next week, he may go down as having the most success of anyone on the roster in 2022…and it’s only March! While a victory will no doubt see him maintain this number one spot, I’m not even sure a loss will knock him down very far.


From the front seat of their taxi, their driver lets James and Julius know that they’ve reached their destination in his native Spanish.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Well, that’s it for this week’s Elite Ten. It’s been an honor broadcasting to all of you, and I sincerely hope there’s more to come when we return from this commercial break!


A SHORT TIME LATER IN THE HOTEL ROOM RESERVED UNDER THE NAME PIETRO MAXMILLION LITTLETON THE THIRD…ESQUIRE.

Inside the hotel room, everyone had shed their disguises and returned to their normal attire, with the exception of Petey and Edgebrook. The first was because he refused to break character, and the later because his role as a damsel in distress would be integral to their plan. As Slade, Julius, Indy, and Pyro gathered around a table that had been covered by maps and notes, Petey and James peeked out the hotel window for a good look at the swimming pool a few stories below.

LIL PETEY: Yo, dawg! Check out that one!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: My god…her chest is bigger than mine!

Doing his best to ignore his unwanted allies, Castle let out a sigh before he continued to explain the situation at hand.

SLADE CASTLE: Based on these satellite maps my contact was able to get, I’m almost certain this is where we can expect The Purple Reign to be. The thing is, my guy says that there’s been an unusual amount of hostile activity in the area. News sources are writing it off as a squabble between drug cartels, but I think we should expect The Illuminati to have a significant presence there as well. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want anyone else getting big ideas. Leave any potential firefight to me.

PYRO: Firefight? Oh, count me in…

Slade briefly looked Pyro up and down, shrugged his shoulders, and returned his attention to the maps.

SLADE CASTLE: Okay. So, leave that shit to me and Pyro. We’ll act as the cover. James and Petey will be our distractions. Indy and Julius need to locate the dig site and get their hands on this fucking relic. After that…well…let’s just hope it can fix Jules like his friend in The Purple Reign says it can. I’ll make sure everyone is armed just in case, but that’s only for emergencies. The last thing I need is to have our Swiss pornographer shooting himself in the foot.

INDY DARLING: So I understand why we want to avoid The Illuminati, considering they’re the ones who screwed up Julius’ brain in the first place, but why don’t we just try working with these Purple Reign guys? A secret society of celebrities who have faked their deaths doesn’t seem so bad…

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Because those motherfuckers have been trying to play me like a puppet, just like that motherfucker Ted Cruz and the rest of the Illuminati. I don’t trust them with my suave, motherfucking brain on the line!

Indy nodded his head, silently agreeing with his friend. Julius returned his nod with a satisfied one of his own, and then turned his attention toward the two men at the hotel window.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Jimmy! Get your ass over here! While Castle’s getting these motherfuckers up to speed, you and I have some more F’n Edge business to attend to!


When we return to this week’s episode of The F’n Edge, James and Julius are now seated inside of a hotel room. While still not wearing his wig, James’ sundress is once again on display for all the viewers to see.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Welcome back everyone! It’s now that time of the week where we recognize the accomplishments of our roster over the previous two weeks!

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Otherwise known as the Medals of motherfucking Honor!



JAMES EDGEBROOK: Each week, it seems to become more difficult to narrow down the amazing promo work from Project: Honor’s warriors to a couple of the best. This time around it was Havoc’s fire and determination to defeat the undefeated Billy Bennet that took the spotlight on Fallout. Billy herself had a memorable outing, as did the young newcomer, Tate Selby.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Over on Proving Ground, Brandon Hendrix had everyone buzzing as he rose to the challenge posed by Elena DeDraca by stepping up his promo game. Mark Hunter had a pretty impressive return in front of the camera too, while Casanova English showed us that he’s a filthy motherfucker.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Proving Ground barely edges out Fallout in our online voting this week, as Indy Darling’s announcement for the Legacy Championship Match immediately followed by John Blade getting his first taste of Project: Honor gold took the most votes.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Over on Fallout, that creepy, little motherfucker, Arik Holt, popped the question to Savannah. For some reason, that crazy bitch said yes! Frankly, this shit was more disturbing than motherfuckers getting set on fire or losing buckets of blood! Shame on you both!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: There were several picks for this week’s most interesting feud, but the one thing they had in common was Swindle Shelldrake. Whether it was his budding feud against Arata Asakura, his personal grudge against people’s necks, or simply his rivalry with tag team cooperation, our fans seemed quite interested in what The Kraken was doing on Proving Ground.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: There were a few different choices for the runner up, but the one that really stood out to me was Johnny Levy’s continuing struggle against The System. Considering the fact that he’s rich, famous, and marginally handsome, I’m not sure what this motherfucker has to be upset about. I guess persecution works in mysterious ways.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: The spot of the week easily goes to the insane action we saw atop the ladder during Fallout’s Main Event. Billy and Havoc both took their share of tumbles, some of which were caused by their fellow True Society members. I hadn’t seen that much ladder work since my neighbor put up his Christmas lights.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Over on the other brand, Swindle Shelldrake strikes again with his Violent Salvage on his own tag team partner. That’s the move that put Arata down for the count and helped Hunter and Emmanuelle get the win, but something tells me it was just the opening shot in a battle between The Kraken and The Gaijin Killer.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: The crazy finish to the match between Brandon Hendrix and Elena DeDraca comes in as our most memorable moment of the week. After Elena ruptured her stitches and continued to fight, Mark Hunter convinced the official to bring the match to an end, thus making Hendrix the official winner. While somewhat controversial in nature, it was still the biggest moment in Hendrix’s Project: Honor career thus far.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Let me make something perfectly clear. The True Society is NOT fine. Havoc versus Billy, Syndicate versus Savannah, and Arik versus Angelo…it all fell apart during Fallout’s main event and only got worse as the show went off the air. When my ass is standing there with no clue what to do, you know shit just went south!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: This week’s highest rated match was the Ascended Prime Unification bout between Billy Bennett and Havoc. It was the culmination of months of in-fighting amongst the True Society and also had the benefit of being extremely violent. Fans were split on who to cheer for, but in the end they were all satisfied by what they’d witnessed.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: That’s the big difference between the brands. Over on Proving Ground, the tag team main event was pretty standard in terms of what you’d expect from a wrestling match, but it was the twists and turns that kept fans guessing. The action was hot, but the stuff simmering underneath the surface was what really delivered.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: The fans spoke loudly this week as they rallied behind Brandon Hendrix and insisted that he be recognized as our Superstar of the Week. He certainly had a career-defining match, and it will be interesting to see if he can use that win to propel him to victory over Johnny Levy next week. No matter what happens, the fans will recognize the last Proving Ground as the night Brandon Hendrix arrived.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: It was hard for anyone to compete with Brandon’s drive, determination, and ultimately his accomplishment. Still, there were some other motherfuckers who had a pretty good week. John Blade got his first taste of gold by winning the new Triple A Title and Havoc handed Billy Bennett her first loss on his way to becoming the Ascended Prime Champion.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: All in all, there was a lot of exciting stuff on both Fallout and Proving Ground last week. With our upcoming Spring Break shows just around the corner, it’s safe to say that Project: Honor and its superstars won’t be slowing down anytime soon.

From off camera, a familiar voice can be heard calling out to James and Julius.

SLADE CASTLE (off camera): It’s time…

James lets out a heavy sigh as an expression of concern begins to come over him.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Well, I guess that does it for the Medals of Honor. Hopefully it won’t be the last time. I just want to say, if you don’t hear from me within the next few days, can someone please feed my goldfish?

With a shake of his head, Julius drags James off screen before the show goes to a commercial break.


OFF CAMERA - SOMEWHERE ON THE YUCATAN PENINSULA

Finding the dig site wasn’t difficult at all. Arriving under the cover of darkness, Slade found a vantage point with significant cover and proceeded to scout the surrounding area. After his quick reconnaissance, he rejoined the others to share what he’d discovered. James was once again decked out in his unconvincing disguise, complete with blonde wig, while the others had chosen to wear the black tactical gear Castle supplied them with. While they all had their personal twists on the gear, such as Indy’s denim jacket and Pyro having the sleeves ripped off, it was the large amount of bling around Petey’s neck that really made him stand out.

SLADE CASTLE: I think I’ve located the primary dig site. I’m guessing The Purple Reign had nearly finished their excavation before they were interrupted by The Illuminati soldiers. So now we’ve got an Illuminati camp to the north and a Purple Reign camp to the south. They’ve got themselves into a stalemate right now, which is gonna work in our favor. From what I know about these groups, The Illuminati are more likely to light us up with gunfire and not think twice, so I’ll be taking the north side. Since he’s arguably our biggest liability, Petey will be with me.

LIL PETEY: Yo! Thanks, dawg!

Castle shook his head incredulously, having a difficult time accepting that he would soon be responsible for The Big Dripper’s well-being.

SLADE CASTLE: That doesn’t mean The Purple Reign aren’t a dangerous group. I’ve rigged Pyro up with something to keep them busy. Little Miss Edgebrook over there will be with him, hopefully to distract The Purple Reign with his gift of gab and…feminine wiles. Still, we’re only four guys against two well-armed and highly trained mercenary units. Julius…you and Indy are gonna have to get into that dig site and back out as quickly as possible. I’ve got the entire perimeter rigged with explosives and they’re gonna light up this whole area as soon as I activate this trigger. We retreat under the cover of those explosions and meet back here. Twenty minutes, in and out, that’s our time table.

Castle, possibly the only man other than Julius who recognized the severity of the situation, took a moment to look at each member of his ragtag team. He could see the nervous expression under James Edgebrook’s wig…the steely determination on the face of Julius Fairweather…the oblivious expression of Lil Petey…and the anticipation in Pyro’s grin. At that moment, Castle considered the possibility that not all of them would make it back. Quickly shaking it off, he gave them one final order.

SLADE CASTLE: No one gets left behind. Not this time. Understand me?

As if the tone of his voice and his ice-cold stare had finally broken through, even Lil’ Petey gave a nervous nod in response.

SLADE CASTLE: Julius. Finish this shit.

As he slapped a clip into his Desert Eagle, Julius gave his friends a confident smile.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: You’re goddamn right, motherfucker….I mean…maybe…

The rest of the group stared at Julius, fearing the worst. And then…he tossed the gun away as if it were a venomous snake.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Sweet Baby Jesus!

Castle immediately hung his head.

SLADE CASTLE: …son of a bitch….

When we return to The F’n Edge, James and Julius are now broadcasting from somewhere outside. They are dimly lit as it’s well past sunset and they seem to be crouched among a cover of tropical trees and plants. When James welcomes the viewers back to the show, he does so in almost a whispered tone of voice.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Welcome back! It’s now time for our predictions regarding the upcoming Proving Ground and Fallout programs. Joining me for this segment is the peace-loving friend of the sweet Baby Jesus, Mr. Julius Fineweather.

Julius gives a slight smile as he nervously waves at the camera.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: After our previous show, I have retaken the lead with a total of fifty-one correct predictions, while Julius and his various personalities barely lag behind with a total of fifty. Now that you’re up to speed on my co-host’s current condition and our personal standings, let’s get started!



JAMES EDGEBROOK: Kicking off Fallout this week will be a one-on-one contest between Andrei Sokolov and Latoya Hixx. Considering Hixx may still be hurting from her battle with Henry Lee Hyde and Sokolov is coming off a big win, I have to go with Andrei in this one.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Oh Latoya Hixx, bless her heart. She just never gives up. That kind of determination gives me hope for my own future endeavors. I just have to choose Latoya so that I can return the favor! Bless you, child!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: A spring break pub brawl? Are you kidding me? Everything about this match screams out Earl Boyde’s name. He’s an easy choice to win here as far as I’m concerned.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Oh my. This sounds so violent and hateful. I just hope they all come out of it without serious injuries. If I have to pick someone, I’ll go with Yuriko Toyama. She seems like such a sweet soul!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Now this is going to be interesting. Hyde has been on an absolute tear while defending The Gatekeeper Championship, but Tate Selby had a dominating victory last week. It’s almost like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. I think I’ll go out on a limb and pick Selby to surprise Hyde with the win here.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: They both look like such fine young gentlemen, don’t they? I understand this Henry Lee person is earning quite the reputation for being a tough man. I suppose that’s enough for me to choose him as the winner this week.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Lance Williams has returned, and he’s determined to end the Lil’ Petey Retirement Tour earlier than expected! Does anyone remember how dominant Lance Williams was or how hateful he could be? There’s no way I’m underestimating him here. I think The Essence of Egotism throws a major wrench in Petey’s retirement plans.

From somewhere off screen, it sounds as if someone is taking offense to Edgebrook’s choice, and that someone sounds a lot like Lil’ Petey himself.

LIL PETEY (off camera): I’m standing right here, dawg! That’s no way to treat your fellow soldier!

Edgebrook shrugs his shoulders as Julius begins to make his own prediction.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: I just love Lil’ Petey. He’s such a joyous soul! And that Lance Williams is a rude and disgusting young man! I sincerely hope Petey wins the match and then washes Lance’s mouth out with soap!

LIL PETEY (off camera): Yeah! That’s more like it! Thanks, my fellow Mother Fucker!

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Language!

LIL PETEY (off camera): Ayo! Sorry, dawg!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Now this promises to be interesting! The leader of the True Society takes on one of his former soldiers in a Wedding Chapel Match! I’m not sure if this will take place before, during, or after Arik’s wedding to Savannah, but I really don’t think it will make a difference. Angelo is going to rip that little geek apart!

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Fighting in the House of the Lord? I simply cannot abide by such a thing! I only hope that their confrontation is respectful and that they both see the light before it’s all over. I’ll go with Arik, because I’d hate to see a man lose more than his virginity on his wedding day!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: And then it’s main event time as one of the top contenders to the Tag Titles, the BFG Division, take on the unlikely combination of Alyssa Grace and Mr. Wright! While it’s difficult to imagine Alyssa and Wright having any kind of tag team cohesion considering they will soon battle for The Playhouse Championship, they are still the more known commodity than Bishop and Karlson’s new team. I have to go with Mr. Wright and Alyssa Grace, I’m just not sure how they’re going to make it happen.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: If there’s one thing I learned during my time as a KaVenger, it’s to never doubt the power of friendship! Mr. Bishop and Ms. Karlson are a true team, and that’s why I believe they’ll overcome their opponents next week!




JAMES EDGEBROOK: The opening match of Proving Ground is a no-brainer for me. Even though we haven’t seen anything out of Shooter Landell inside of a Project: Honor ring, the man is coming to us with a reputation of being an old-school stretcher. There’s no way Guy and Puma can compete with that.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Dearest Guy and blessed Puma are such kind and noble souls. I will pray for them to overcome and choose them to welcome Mr. Landell to the company in proper fashion.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: By beating him?

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Sweet Baby Jesus, no! By turning him against violence and educating him on the power of friendship over tea and cookies!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: We saw the DaVengers debut last week by taking over for The KaVengers when they were out of action. Frankly, I was not impressed. While we don’t know much about Archimedes J. Manson’s friends, I still think they have what it takes to win based on looks alone.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: A new group has joined Project: Honor and they are powered by long-lasting friendship itself. Of course I’m talking about the Masters of the Tooniverse! They’ve been friends since childhood! How adorable! I think the DaVengers will lose to them in spectacular fashion and everyone will be happy!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Last week was not a good one for Elena DeDraca. I don’t believe she went into her match at one hundred percent and she ended up losing by referee’s decision. It seems like she was the favorite in that match, but now that’s not so certain. Still, I know she has what it takes to bounce back and Betsy Galagher will be the first casualty of The Fist of Hydra on Proving Ground.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: You make everything sound so violent! But do you know what I really adore about this match? Both competitors are proper English ladies! The British Raven and Lady Galagher…it just sounds so charming and medieval! Still, Elena seems a bit dark for my tastes, so I’m going to choose Betsy as the second person to upset Elena on her new brand.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: The Phantom Troupe shocked everyone when they became the Tag Team Champions of Project: Honor last week, and that kind of win is sure to give them a ton of momentum. Not only are they the more established unit compared to Jackson and Thompson, Cadillac has only just returned to action and there may be a good deal of ring rust for him to deal with. Hunter and Valentine are winning this one.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: I must admit, their victory over those nasty Motor City Psycho’s was a breath of fresh air for the tag team division!

Another voice can barely be heard from off camera…

SLADE CASTLE (off camera): Seriously, Jules? What the fuck, man…

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: I was so happy for both of them! While I love Mr. Jackson and Mr. Thompson as fellow servants of the sweet Baby Jesus, I must also choose The Phantom Troupe to win this match.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: I hate to be a downer, but the feel good rise of Brandon Hendrix comes to an end here. Johnny Levy has something to prove against everyone who has been holding him down, whoever they may be, and I feel like he’s going to shock the world by defeating Brandon right in the middle of that cage!

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Oh James, you can be such a negative nelly sometimes! While I detest something as violent as a cage match, I still believe in Brandon Hendrix. And while I deeply appreciate his courageous fight for equality amongst all people, I can’t help but feel that Johnny Levy may be disingenuous in some way. I believe the truth will prevail, or in this case, Brandon Hendrix will prevail.


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Casanova English is faced with yet another championship defense, but this time it will be against the very impressive Giovanni! While I respect English’s regular defense of the Warrior Rising Championship, I think it’s only a matter of time before his schedule catches up with him. Giovanni is on a roll, and after having a restful week off, I think he’ll be the one to finally end Casanova’s reign.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: It’s starting to seem like there are two certainties in Project: Honor. Number one, the sweet Baby Jesus loves us all. Number two, Casanova English is and will always be the Warrior Rising Champion. He may be a disgusting and vile man, but at least he doesn’t promote explicitly nudity and sex and call them art! Shame on you, Mr. Giovanni!


JAMES EDGEBROOK: MYOJIN is in the midst of a record-setting reign and I’ve learned not to bet against The Shining Star unless I have a very good reason. No matter how good his opponent may be, MYOJIN always has a way of coming out on top in one-on-one encounters. Shelldrake will bring a big-time fight, but MYOJIN wins and retains.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: That Swindle Shelldrake is a nasty, nasty man. He betrays his partners and hurts people! He’s self-absorbed, mean, and very rude! MYOJIN may not be the most humble of competitors, but at least they have some class and style! I must also pick The Shining Star in this one.

JAMES EDGEBROOK: This one is a bit odd. First, we need to choose who will win the Spring Break Triathlon, and then we need to decide if they’ll be able to go on to defeat Arata Asakura for the Grand Championship. I have the same answer to both of those questions…Douglas Crane. This is exactly the kind of opportunity Crane has been waiting for and he’s not going to let it pass him by. One way or another, he will win the Spring Break Triathlon and then shock the world by ending Arata Asakura’s second title reign.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: I’m not a big fan of this spring break nonsense, but I do see that my dear friend, Serrano, is involved. He seems like the kind of man who knows how to handle himself around a party, so I’m picking him to win! Unfortunately, I think Arata might kick his head off if he does. So I guess I’m picking Serrano and Arata Asakura?


JAMES EDGEBROOK: Finally, we close out our two-night spring break event with this incredible match! Two competitors from Fallout who already have no love toward each other, and two competitors from Proving Ground who both believe they are the best in the game. Only one can emerge as our new Legacy Champion, and I think the choice is clear. First, he became the Tyrant. Then he became The Ascended Prime Champion. Next, Havoc will be the new Legacy Champion of Project: Honor.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Oh my! That is a very frightening thought indeed! I hate to argue with you…but Mark Hunter has looked impressive since his return. Then again, Emmanuelle is simply one of the best in the world. Oh dear…what should I do…

SLADE CASTLE (off camera): Wrap it up, gentlemen, we’re moving out.

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Fine. I’m choosing Billy Bennett to accept the love of sweet Baby Jesus into her heart, overcome her demons, and let the light from above lead her to championship glory! Amen!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Well, I guess this is it. We’ve given you our Elite Ten…our Medals of Honor…and now our Predictions. All that’s left…is to say goodbye…

JULIUS FINEWEATHER: Oh, dear. I was afraid you’d say that. Sweet Baby Jesus protect us!

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been my distinct honor and privilege to service each and every one of you with my journalistic knowledge and integrity. With that, I must now go into that dark night with Julius by my side. God bless you all…God bless Project: Honor…and God bless America!

The screen fades away to the Project: Honor logo as this week’s outro song plays…but just what happened after the show went off the air?


OFF CAMERA - SOMEWHERE ON THE YUCATAN PENINSULA

The trained mercenaries of The Purple Reign knew how to have a good time. After all, their leader was The Artist formerly Believed to be the Deceased Prince, and they had the utmost faith in his glorious vision to free the masses from The Illuminati's schemes through art and entertainment. So it wasn’t unusual for the guards on the southern perimeter to be listening to the 1989 Batman soundtrack while on duty. After all, The Illuminati soldiers were stationed to the north and anyone discovered in their location was likely to be a lost civilian.

So as the three guards were high on Molly and discussing the virtues of Bat Dance, they weren’t very surprised to see a woman with long, blond hair approaching their position. They raised their guns, more as a formality than anything else, as she emerged from the darkness and sauntered toward them.

GUARD #1: Halt! Ma’am, I’m afraid you’re going to have to turn back. This area isn’t safe for tourists…

JAMES EDGEBROOK: Oh, dear me. I was supposed to meet these three handsome gentlemen away from the bright lights of the city and I’m afraid I got lost…

James batted his fake eyelashes and stuck his grenade-stuffed brazier out as far as he could.

The guards, too muddled from the combination of drugs and Jack Nicholson sound bytes, immediately began to fall for Edgebrook’s lost spring break ho routine. The guard nearest to James turned to look at his fellow soldiers, giving them a sly wink.

GUARD #1: Well…lucky for you that you found us. We may not be the three men you were looking for, but anything you were going to do with them can be done with us instead…

JAMES EDGEBROOK: *tee hee* Oh my…what big guns you have.

The three men lowered their weapons, so as not to intimidate the poor, lost lady.

GUARD #1: If you think those are impressive, just come a little closer and we’ll really show you something.

James took a few steps closer to the guards as he moved his hands up to his fake chest, sliding his index fingers into the pins of the grenade-like devices. Then, with the guards completely bewildered by his sultry movements, Edgebrook pulled the pins from the grenades, sending two streams of knock-out gas in their direction.

As the three guards panicked and tried to cover their faces, James slipped a gasmask from under his skirt and held it in front of his face. From the darkness behind him, Pyro rushed forward, taking two of the guards down with a double clothesline as James gave the third one a swift kick to his jollies. Once all three were down, Pyro turned to give Edgebrook a smile.

PYRO: Now let’s light this bitch up.

Edgebrook turned some valves on the tanks strapped to Pyro’s back, making sure the flamethrower that Castle had supplied them with was ready to go.

Meanwhile, on the northwestern side of The Illuminati’s base camp, Slade and Petey had advanced as close as they could without being seen. Castle was decked out with assault rifles, explosives, and a full range of tactical gear, while Petey had an ample dose of sunscreen applied and a Baby Browning tucked in his shorts. Doing his best to keep his voice down, Petey could not help but question the situation.

LIL PETEY: Ayo, dawg. Maybe I should have one of those big guns like you?

SLADE CASTLE: Negative. You're the distraction, not the firepower. Besides, your name is Lil’ Petey. If I gave you one of these people would think you’re overcompensating.

Petey was silent for a moment as he considered the ramifications of potential ladies in the camp thinking he wasn’t hung. Finally, he nodded his head in agreement.

LIL PETEY: Thanks for looking out for me, dawg. I hadn’t thought of it like that. So, what next?

SLADE CASTLE: Next, you go into camp and distract them so I can set up some more charges around their camp. We’re going to need all the explosions we can get if we want to make it out of this thing alive.

LIL PETEY: Right on. Soooo…how do I distract them?

Castle shot Petey a stern look.

SLADE CASTLE: Drip ‘em.

And with that, Lil’ Petey began to smile.

The opening beat to "oops!!!" by Yung Gravy w/ Lil Wayne graces the ears of everyone nearby as Petey cranks up the volume on his iPhone. Every female mercenary suddenly feels the drip as the lyrics start and Lil Petey steps into the edge of their camp. Petey doesn’t have a microphone but that doesn’t stop him from rapping with the lyrics.

♫Ayy, supercalifragilisticexpialiexpiali-dope shit
Supercalifragilic-, my ex be on some ho shit
Superman, I get dem bands but ain't gon' buy you roses
Super-duper get them cougars, took my wrist and froze it
Super-duper hoes
Y'all got Oompa Loompa hoes
I ain't never knew ya hoes
Prolly still ran through 'em, though♫

Lil Petey stops at the edge of the camp and looks around at some of the guards reaching for their weapons. He walks up to a couple of soldiers as the song continues. Petey looks at the dude and points at the chick.

♫Oh, wait, wait, I do know your hoe?
You talkin' 'bout, you talkin' 'bout Tracy?
Nah, nah, nah, nah, you mean like, like, Tracy with the ass?
Tracy with the, with the Honda?
Shit, well♫

Petey winks at the woman and then starts jumping up and down while getting further into the Illuminati’s camp.

♫Oops, baby
Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy
Never knew that was your boo, baby
Hit her five times in the coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie dai-, yeah
Oops, baby
Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy
I just tried to hit, it's my duty, baby
Sippin' on the Goose, like Boosie, baby♫

By this time, Petey has drawn a lot of attention to himself, but the guards seem more confused than anything else. Finally, the song comes to an end and he stops dancing, sliding his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose.

LIL PETEY: Boom boom, bitches.

A loud explosion draws the guards’ attention away from Petey, and it’s soon followed by a burst of gunfire as Castle makes his presence known. Petey immediately tucks his head under his hands and sprints back the way he came, diving over a stack of munition crates for cover.

LIL PETEY: OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!!!!

Off to the south, Indy Darling sees the bright illumination from Pyro’s flamethrower as several of the Purple Reign’s tents are set aflame. To the north, Castle’s gunfire echoes as a few of his explosions go off. Knowing that the time is upon him, Indy turns to look at Julius as he cowers in a fetal position, the personality of Fineweather still having a hold over him.

INDY DARLING: …I just wanted to be a pro wrestler…

Finally, Indy grabs Julius by the arm and yanks him to his feet, forcing the frightened man to look him in the eyes.

INDY DARLING: Snap out of it, Julius! It’s now or never!

And with that, he slaps Fineweather across the face.

For a moment, Julius is completely still until an opaque fog begins to form over his eyes.

JULIUS FOULWEATHER: How dare you lay a hand on me, you disgusting miscreant! I will remove your liver with my bare teeth!

INDY DARLING: Well…I guess this is an improvement. Look, man. I know you’d just as soon disembowel me as say hello, but the real action is down there! Hear all that gunfire? See those explosions? That’s Slade Castle. He’s attacking an orphanage without you…and it’s ‘Adopt a Kitten Day’.

Foulweather scans the horizon, the flames and explosions reflected in his cold eyes. After a few seconds, he begins to smile.

JULIUS FOULWEATHER: Virgin blood…?

INDY DARLING: All you can drink. Just follow me.

Indy takes off toward the quiet area between the two camps, and with the promise of malice and mayhem in store, Julius gladly follows him. It wouldn’t be long until the two were silently approaching the excavation site that Castle identified as their mission objective.

DEFINITELY NOT TED CRUZ: This is all your doing! I thought we had agreed on a ceasefire until negotiations were settled! I knew you hippie celebrities couldn’t be trusted!

Flanked by a pair of Illuminati soldiers, the lizard alien overlord disguised as a Texas Senator, pointed an accusing finger at his Purple Reign rivals. Across from him, decked out in crushed velvet desert fatigues, was Prince himself. By his side were his chief scientist, Bill Nye, and antiquities expert, Agent Marissa Covington.

THE SECRET SOCIETY LEADER FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: Don’t even try to blame this on us. I recognize a Reagan combat maneuver when I see one.

It was the kind of confusion that Castle had planned for, and as the leadership of the rival groups were focused on each other, Indy and Julius were able to get the drop on all of them. Armed with a rock, Indy struck one of the Illuminati guards from behind as Julius tackled the other one and began to gnaw at his throat.

DEFINITELY NOT TED CRUZ: What the fuck…?!

MARISSA COVINGTON: Julius! What are you doing?!

With the guard’s gun now in his hands, Indy pointed it at the members of The Purple Reign. With blood staining his chin, Foulweather forced the Illuminati leader forward until he was standing alongside Prince, Bill Nye, and Marissa. Then, without warning, Indy smacked the butt of his rifle against the back of Julius’ head, knocking him to the ground.

INDY DARLING: Fuck. I really hope that works.

With a groan, Julius rubbed his sore head and slowly pulled himself back to his feet. In the distance, the explosions from their teammate’s distractions continued to erupt.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Motherfucker…that shit hurts!

INDY DARLING: Sorry, dude, but it’s time.

Momentarily forgiving his friend’s actions, Julius turned toward Marissa Covington.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Hey, pretty momma. I’m gonna need you to take me to the lost biblical commandment now.

MARISSA COVINGTON: Julius…we could have done this a different way…

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Yeah, maybe. But nobody plays the Bad Motherfucker like a puppet. Not even a sexy little thing like you. Now get to steppin’ before my boy tests the theory of objects in motion by filling Bill Nye full of bullets.

Indy shrugs his shoulders and gives a sheepish smile.

INDY DARLING: Sorry, Mr. Nye. I’m a big fan.

BILL NYE: Thanks…I guess?

MARISSA COVINGTON: Fine. The crew was able to break into the final chamber earlier today. We were trying to find a non-violent solution to all of this…but I guess that doesn’t matter now.

With little other choice, Miss Covington walked toward the dig site as Julius followed close behind her. Indy kept his weapon trained on Prince, Bill Nye, and The Zodiac Killer named Ted Cruz as his friend slowly disappeared into the open cavern.

To the south, Pyro was having the time of his life. With James Edgebrook cowering behind him, Pyro marched through The Purple Reign’s camp, igniting everything he saw. Temporary structures, vehicles, and even living soldiers were not safe from the flamethrower strapped to his back.

PYRO: HAHAHAHAHA! This is for Fire and Ice, motherfuckers! I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

To the north, Petey was surrounded by the sound of gunfire and felt completely out of his element. Fortunately, the soldiers were all focused on Slade Castle and had momentarily forgotten about The Drip Sensation. Hoping to sneak away, Petey began to crawl on his hands and knees until he spotted Castle about thirty yards away. Slade was pinned down by a hail of gunfire, unable to even fire back at his targets. The sight forced Petey to pause as a member of HIS roster…someone HE was responsible for…found themselves in great danger. Petey’s hand moved to the Baby Browning tucked in the waistline of his shorts as he realized what he had to do.

He jumped to his feet and pointed the tiny pistol at the soldiers who had Castle pinned down. As he turned his head to look away, he squeezed the trigger and sent every bullet in his weapon into the air.

LIL PETEY: Run, Wade Tassels, run!

While his aim was way off and he missed the soldiers completely, one of the bullets ricocheted off a nearby humvee and then planted itself between the eyes of an Illuminati soldier. With a mixed expression of shock and regret on his face, Petey stood frozen in place as the other soldiers turned toward him.

Thankfully, Castle was able to rise up from his place of cover to mow them down with a burst of machine gun fire. With the immediate threat neutralized, Castle ran toward Petey, tackling him to the ground before either man could be spotted.

SLADE CASTLE: Thanks, Pete. I owe you one.

LIL PETEY: I…I…I…

SLADE CASTLE: What’s the matter? Never put a bullet in someone before?

LIL PETEY: I…uh…no. I mean…Yeah! Of course I have! What do you think I am, dawg? Some kind of poser?

With a nod of his head and slight smile, Slade reloaded his weapon and began to prepare for their escape. With the push of a button, Slade activated the remaining explosive charges and hoped that Indy and Julius had enough time to finish their objective.

Not far away, Marissa led Julius through the excavated tunnel with lit lanterns interspersed along the path. As the pair entered the treasure vault, Julius spotted the ornate chest that surely contained the key to solving the riddle of his erratic personality shifts. At that moment, a series of explosions began to rock the surface above them. Julius recognized it as the distraction meant to cover their escape, but what Castle had not counted on was the instability of the excavated tunnel. Marissa shoved Julius forward as chunks of rock fell into the chamber opening, knocking her to the ground and pinning her leg but saving Julius from the impact.

As she groaned in pain, another explosion went off, but this time Julius could not escape the falling debris. Several chunks of earth landed atop his head, and while he did not lose consciousness, they began to trigger rapid fire shifts in his personality.

JULIUS FAIR/FOUL/FINEWEATHER: …sweet baby…virgin blood…motherfucker…

The changes came fast and furious, his synapses firing so quickly that it was only a matter of time until he suffered permanent brain damage and was left a drooling vegetable. With Marissa ignoring her own plight to urge him on, Julius did his best to crawl forward and reach out for the treasure chest. Foulweather and Fineweather fought for their own survival, knowing that if Julius cured himself they would forever be locked away in his subconscious mind. He would reach out toward the chest…then pause to choke himself…then slap himself across the face…before reaching out once again. As the tunnel continued to shake and pieces of rock fell from above, Julius drew ever closer to his target…

Back on the surface, the explosions rocked Indy Darling forward, and that was the only opportunity that the lizard creature/serial killer/senator named Ted Cruz needed. He lurched forward and grabbed the rifle in Indy’s hands and the two men began to struggle over who would hold onto it. Just as it seemed as if Indy would overpower his opponent, the Ted Cruz Reptilian hacked a viscous, green fluid from his mouth into Indy’s eyes, effectively blinding him.

The Illuminati leader wrapped his arm around Indy’s throat and pointed the rifle at Prince and Bill Nye in case they had any funny ideas.

DEFINITELY NOT TED CRUZ: Enough! When they emerge from the tunnel, I’ll be taking the relic for myself and for the glory of The Illuminati! We will control the narrative! We will direct the flow of public opinion! We will continue to manipulate the masses as we see fit and there’s not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it!

BANG!

The bullet from Julius’ Desert Eagle landed squarely between Cruz’s eyes and wedged itself into his brain. As the creature gasped its final breath, its scaly features and reptilian eyes became visible for the first time. The Illuminati agent that had Definitely NOT been Ted Cruz was dead, giving Prince and Bill Nye the opportunity to breathe a sigh of relief. Standing at the entrance to the tunnel as it caved in on itself was Julius Fairweather, a smoking firearm in one hand and Marissa Covington’s half-conscious body supported by his other arm.

THE SECRET SOCIETY LEADER FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: The tablet! Tell me you were able to retrieve the final biblical commandment.

Julius looked at the leader of The Purple Reign, disgusted that he was more concerned about an ancient piece of stone than the well-being of his own agent.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Nah, motherfucker. I left that piece of shit underground. One look at it was all I needed.

THE SECRET SOCIETY LEADER FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: But…but…whoever claims its wisdom will control the narrative! In The Illuminati’s hands it would be a tool used to manipulate…in ours it could be a tool to illuminate!

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Yeah, well maybe that motherfucker was hidden underground for a reason. Ever think of that?

Julius gently handed Marissa over to Bill Nye, who quickly began to evaluate her condition. He then turned to help Indy Darling back to his feet, his face still smeared with green slime.

INDY DARLING: Julie? Is that you? I…heh…think this stuff might be hallucinogenic…like…I feel sooooo good, man…

With his friend leaning on his shoulder, Julius tucked his Desert Eagle away and began to walk toward the remaining darkness as dawn approached. Still, Prince was not willing to let things end that way.

THE SECRET SOCIETY LEADER FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: You think allowing the tablet to be buried makes you better than us? You got into this in search of fortune and glory! At least we had noble intentions!

Julius continued to walk, his mind clearer than it had been in months and in too good of a mood to let Prince get on his nerves.

THE SECRET SOCIETY LEADER FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: You can’t just walk away from us! You will stand with me in The Purple Reign one way or another, Julius! Are you listening to me?! Julius…you could at least tell me what was etched on the tablet! What was the final lost commandment?!

Julius paused and turned back toward Prince, the rising sun reflected in his dark shades. As Indy continued to softly giggle beside him, he flashed a fierce expression at the leader of The Purple Reign.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: It said, “Thou Shalt Not Fuck with Julius Fairweather”.

And with that, Julius turned his back on the entire ordeal to rejoin his friends away from the chaos within both camps. Miraculously, no one had injuries more severe than cuts and bruises. In fact, the sense of euphoria amongst them made it seem like they had experienced the time of their lives. Slade even let Pyro keep the flamethrower, and after removing the firing pin, he let Petey keep the Baby Browning as well. As for the wig and sundress, it turned out that they belonged to Edgebrook in the first place.

With several days left before Fallout and Proving Ground, Julius and his allies had plenty of time on their hands to spend under the bright sun that shines over the city of Cancun. In those days that followed, Petey supplied the drip, Pyro provided the cigars, and the drinks were on the one and only…Julius Fairweather.