Post by ttthet on Dec 17, 2020 13:12:20 GMT -5
Our scene starts in a karate dojo. TJ Thompson stands in the middle of a circle of excited children as their parents stand off to the side. Around the dojo are mats and wrestling weapons like chairs and tables. The parents look at the weapons suspiciously.
TJ: Wow, people showed up...I mean, of course, people showed up! Welcome to Hip Academy. It's not every day you get to learn from the goat! And you guys are going to learn a shit ton. By the end of this thing, you'll all be wrestling masters! Well...at least better than Daniel Horror.
Lil Timmy Two-Shoes (AKA Lil TT): I thought this was a karate class! Isn't wrestling all fake?
TJ: Of course it's not fake! You see these scars on my arm? Besides, karate is for losers! All that hiyah shit is boring! Wouldn't you rather hit people with chairs?
TJ rolls up his sleeve to show Lil TT his arm.
Lil TT: What scars? That looks like magic marker!
TJ: Never mind. You're just blind. It's ok, nothing to be ashamed of.
Lil TT: I'm not blind! I can see! You literally drew a squiggly line on yourself!
TJ: Shhh...it's ok. Maybe you need glasses or something. Moving on, before we get started, does anyone have any questions?
Tiny Jim: What's all that furniture for?
TJ: It's to hit each other with! You know, foreign objects are an iconic part of the wrestling industry! Sure, you can have BORING matches with just your hands and feet and all that, but nobody wants to watch that! That's also why karate sucks and we're doing wrestling instead.
Tiny Jim: But doesn't that hurt?
TJ: It sure does! But you're children. You heal fast with all those young genes. Is that how it works? I'm pretty sure that's how that works. Besides, hitting people with shit is fun! Who doesn't like hitting your homie with a good old fashioned steel chair?
Skinny Sam: I can't even lift the chair! It looks too heavy for me.
TJ: Well that's just natural selection! ONLY THE FITTEST SURVIVE IN HIP ACADEMY!!! Everyone else dies. Or gets beaned with a chair.
Skinny Sam: But you don't look that fit!
TJ: How dare you?!? I'm the definition of physical perfection. And mental perfection. I'm pretty great. And you can be too if you listen to me! Everyone here should listen closely!
Deaf Dan: Frantic sign language.
TJ: Why are you flashing me gang signs? The only gang I'm in is the backstage PH gang.
Deaf Dan: More frantic signing.
TJ: STOP FLASHING ME GANG SIGNS!!! You're gonna get us shot or something! Can't you just talk like a normal person?!?
Deaf Dan's Mom: My son is deaf, you fucking idiot!
TJ: Oh. Jeez, no need for the fucking profanities. There are children present! That's just more natural selection! Deaf? Just hear. Use your ears like everyone else! It's not that hard, you know!
Deaf Dan's Mom gives TJ the finger which is easily understood by her son. She swoops up her child and leaves the dojo, glaring at TJ as they leave.
TJ: Meh. He was weak anyway. The kid couldn't even hear! Whatever. Any other questions?
Big Naheem: Do we get any padding? My mom says I'm delicate.
TJ: Hell no, padding is for the weak! Controversial opinion, but sometimes a little brain damage is good for you. Besides, padding takes away an important learning experience! What's wrestling without a good chair to the face? Sure, it might hurt a little...or a lot...but you learn valuable lessons!
The parents look at each other with scared expressions as TJ continues.
TJ: No more questions because I'm about to teach you people everything you'll ever need to know! Hey you, come here.
TJ pulls Lil TT into the center of the circle.
TJ: Here, I'm going to go past all that boring shit like "safety" and "locking up" and "respect". We're getting into the hardcore shit right away! Kid, I'm about to teach you the most important lesson of all. Try and break me mentally!
Lil TT: What does that mean?
TJ: You know...make me think that you can kick my ass!
Lil TT: But I probably CAN kick your ass! You look like you just rolled out of bed!
TJ: Hey, you're doing it already! What an advanced student. When I tell other people that, they just look at me all confused. You’re better than most adults!
Lil TT: I have to go pee.
TJ: Hold it in like the young prodigy of shit talking you are! Now let me show you how to really break your opponent mentally. You know, you automatically win if they run out of the ring crying. That’s a rule. That I made up. Ahem...you a hoe!
The children stare back at him blankly.
TJ: That didn't work? Wow. You guys are tougher than I thought. Uh…your mom's a hoe!
The children continue to stare while the parents look offended.
TJ: Fine, you people are hard to crack! I'm sure you guys have that down pat already. I don't think I need to teach this anymore! Also because I don't want to. Moving on!
Tiny Jim: So are we going to actually learn about wrestling?
TJ: Of course! You guys seem advanced. So I'm gonna skip all the boring shit! Nobody needs to know about safety and taking care of yourself. Just...just fight. That's what people do nowadays anyway. Here, someone try to hit me!
The children line up and wildly laugh and swing punches at his waist. TJ awkwardly dodges and fails while eating punches.
Parent #1: Are you here to teach or to be a punching bag? I signed my kid up for karate, for god’s sake. You’re lucky I don’t report you for not teaching the class! I’m only here to see some child on child violence. And..you know...to help my kid learn how to defend himself. That too.
TJ: This is educational! Ow! Not the crown jewels! A man is tender there! I’m...uh...totally not wasting time so I can get your money for doing nothing...they’re learning how to punch!
Parent #1: But you’re not teaching them...they’re just punching you!
TJ: They’re learning by themselves! You know...learning by trial and error. And from my screams of pain. Ow! I SAID NOT THE CROWN JEWELS!!! I’m a very hands off teacher. They can learn on their own by example! Also because I have no idea how to teach anyone anything.
Parent #2: Then what am I paying you for?
TJ: You tell me! I don’t control what you do with your money! Besides, it’s going towards a good cause! My bank account. The noblest of charities. WAIT, DON'T TOUCH THAT YET!
A particularly large child picks up a steel chair and looks at TJ.
Parent #3: Hit him, sport! I'm not paying him to sit around!
TJ: What?!? We haven't gotten to that part yet! Put down the chair, child! That shit's dangerous! I knew I shouldn't have put those out.
Chair Lover Chad: Isn't that the point?
TJ: I mean...to use against other people! NOT ME!!! I'm not in the mood to be whacked. Put down the chair!
Chad: No!
TJ: Wow. Kids these days! They don't listen! I wonder who encouraged that. Fine. Just hit anyone but me!
TJ grabs a child at random and puts him in harm's way.
TJ: Here! Hit this guy instead! I'm sure he's a fast healer. If not?...Well if his parents can pay me, they can pay for the hospital bills. Maybe.
The parent of the child rushes in and quickly whisks the child away, much to the disdain of TJ. The rest of the children stare as TJ negotiates with Chad.
TJ: Well...that didn't work at all. Just...I don't know! HOW ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD THAT THING ANYWAYS? IT'S LIKE...DOUBLE YOUR BODY WEIGHT!
Chad: It's not that heavy! Maybe you're just weak!
Parent #3: Stop talking and hit him with it! I can pay the legal fees later. Anything to make this guy shut up!
Chad nods obediently and wanders towards TJ. The parents look confused while the other children cheer. TJ backs away.
TJ: Hey. Chill. CHILL! Can we talk this over? I'll buy you candy or something. Why are people so violent these days? Why can't we all get along?
Chad ignores TJ and thwacks him weakly with the chair.
TJ: Oh. Is that all you got? What type of kid are you raising?!? He can't even hit a defenseless man with a chair properly!
Chad hits TJ again a little harder.
TJ: Ow! Alright! Calm down! What's wrong with you people? Just hitting people all willy nilly! I'm gonna call child protection or something. They protect people from children, right?
Parent #3: Come on, sport, you can do better than that!
TJ (cornered by wall and Chad): I hope he can't…
Chad proceeds to thwack TJ with the chair over and over again as TJ yells and tries to run away. He manages to get himself out of the corner but trips over the extended foot of Chad's dad.
TJ: CHILL!!! You want a refund?!? I'll give you a refund!!! Just relax! I'm just a humble wrestling guy! Just trying to make an honest living! And also...hey, look over there!
Everyone in the room: No.
TJ: Damn, that always works! They call me a master of deception. And chairshot eating. How about...look over there...please? No? No. Well at least I'm not getting beaten by a child, anymore, right? RIGHT?!?
The scene switches to an outside view of the dojo. TJ's screeches are heard from inside as the screen fades to black.
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First of all, never fear! Hip is still for the children! Sure, I might have had one or two bad encounters, but the majority still support the goat! I hope. I need to make a survey or something. It was really the parents who were the instigators! The parents were really the instigators there anyways. Shame on them, encouraging violence! But either way, that doesn't stop the quest to become the next Warrior Rising champion! I’ve had the chance to spend exactly two seconds reflecting on what I’ve done to get to this point. And what have I done, you ask? Well. I haven’t done much. But I guess that’s what a place like PH looks for in a title contender considering they’ve given equal title shots to people who’ve done even less than I have! I didn’t even know that was possible! But really, though! I’m the humblest of the humble. I’m even humble about my humbleness! I try to downplay my many accomplishments sometimes. Like...I don’t know. Imagine something. The point is that I haven’t done too much here! What does that say about the state of the belt? Well it’s probably not in too good of a state. Sarah beat Zane which was pretty cool, I guess. But after that match, she dropped off the face of the earth! Really! All I have of her is a few blurry pictures of her in a match like she’s some human bigfoot. Bigfoot Roberts? Am I facing some mythical monster at UR? Hopefully not. That’s probably some PETA violation or something. Also because I fear for my life. What I’m saying here is that the belt is not in a good spot. A champion who used to be good but now isn’t even here! Four and a half challengers who don’t really have a claim to anything! Including one very humble challenger! The thing is in the dumps! But that’s when I come in! Never fear, PH fans, I’m going to take this thing to a new level! I’m about to elevate this belt until it’s the most valued championship in this company! How, you ask? With the power of hip, sure. With my natural goated charisma! And...I don’t know, people seem to like to see me fail so I’m sure I’ll have a lot of challengers. But none of them will be successful! That’s kind of the point. To hold this thing for a long-ass time so people actually want it! To give the people a champion to be proud of! And to get a nice bonus. I still need to repair the hip house after someone punched a hole in the wall. I’M STILL LOOKING FOR THE CULPRIT!!! I don’t think anyone in this match really “deserves” to be the champ. But I want to. And I probably will!
Oh yeah, other people in this thing released their own little talking thing. You know, they stand in front of the camera and brag about their greatness. Kinda like what I’m doing now! Except I’m humble. VERY HUMBLE!!! I guess I should respond to whatever slanderous statements they dared to release against the goat! Let’s start with half a competitor in this match. The one and only Daniel Horror! He’s not a bad guy! I’m sure he runs into burning buildings and all that to save starving orphans. But in a wrestling ring? He’s not that good. That’s shown by his record across multiple companies! So what has he said to save his reputation, you ask? Well. He’s kinda dragging himself down even more. Come on, Daniel! You can do better than that! At least you remember that I beat you, once. I thought that was washed out of your brain. I’m overestimating you? That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that come out of someone’s mouth. Normally it’s the word underestimate. But you’re built different, aren’t you! I’m overestimating you! Fine. You know I always aim to please! Don’t worry. You think you’re being OVERESTIMATED?!? I got you. You’re a third of an opponent, now! Is that enough for you? Fine, I’ll do you one better! A quarter of an opponent. There, that’s more accurate. I’m doing you a favor despite your slandering of hip! That shows what a charitable spirit I am. Yo must have been scared off by my awesomeness! Don’t worry. Lesser men have done the same. Don't worry, Daniel. It's good that you fear me! It means you have a little common sense in you. I've found that not a lot of people in this place have common sense. Like the people handing out title shots. OK, OK, THAT WAS THE LAST ONE, I PROMISE!!! But I'm serious! Good for you, Daniel! You've found out what the goat can do to you! And trust me, they're not good things. Or they are. I don't know what you're into. But it won't be letting you win the match! I know, a controversial statement. But that's what you're used to, right? I feel like the very few wins you've gained in your career have been handed to you! The second you face a real opponent you crumble like the wall of the hip house after someone punched a hole in it. It's nothing to be ashamed of! I'm sure it's reassuring to hear that you're not the worst member of the roster! But still, it's not that good. I'm sure it feels nice to get that win, once in a while, but doesn't it feel bad to know you're being babied? You can only win against Ace Sky so many times, you know. It's time to move on!
Who's next?!? Legion? Has she said anything? No. Come on! She has a million split personalities and NOT ONE can open her mouth and talk some shit! What a shame. She must be suffering from the same thing that Daniel is! Her and all her other selves fear me! I know, I'm an imposing figure. I can picture it here! All her personalities are together in a room or something and they're taking a look at the competition. They're all excited about the match and the possibility of them winning the Warrior Rising championship! And then they laid eyes on my extreme humbleness and were stunned into silence! They close the screen and run away never to return. They'd rather never talk again then face me in a ring! Shocked that a man could be so perfect! On a scale of one to ten, how bad could I beat the shit out of the physical versions of all her personas?!? Eleven. Maybe thirteen. Or whatever comes after thirteen. I don't blame her for being scared! She hasn't exactly had the best career either, but her friends in her head weren't there to back her up either! They too were scared of my goatedness! You know, if I had other versions of myself in my head, they wouldn't just run away like that! Well. Maybe a few would. But I'm sure at least...40% of them would take the reigns? That doesn't sound very good, but trust me, I'm a math expert. My different personalities wouldn't be impressed! Ok. Maybe a little impressed. But it wouldn't stop them from running in without thought of personal safety! And we'd win. Because it would be a million perfect people in one body versus one perfect person. Legion's should take notes! I'm sure they can learn a lot! But really, the fact that she doesn't think that she can win a fifty vs one match shows her real chances in this thing! And they are low. Very low. She lacks confidence for a reason! Sure, maybe some of it is because of my overpowered greatness, but I know a lot is also based on facts! The fact that she can't wrestle for shit! She passed by under the radar for long enough! It's time to expose this hoe! Legion, I'm sorry it had to come to this! You seem like a cool person. The whole multiple personality thing must be fun to whip out at parties! But by now, it's clear that they won't help you in the ring! Just like I told Daniel, I'll make it quick. Just lie down and let me pin you or something. It'll make things easier for everyone and you can go home to work on your wrestling skills!
Guess what, the champ hasn't said anything either! The nerve of some people! Just standing back and thinking that their wrestling ability will be enough. You have to break the opponent mentally! You have to intimidate them to the point of insanity! Silly Sarah. And what better way to do that than with hip? That's right. You also need a healthy amount of shit talk. Will they believe it? Probably not, but that's why they get their asses beat come match time! Real intellectuals believe the shit talk so they know what to expect! Because I only speak facts. I'm actually being extremely generous! With all this talk, I'm giving my opponents a sneak peak of what's coming to them! Maybe that's why Sarah's being so quiet. She doesn't want to reveal her top secret strategy. How greedy. Come on Sarah, share it with the group! Don't be shy! I'm sure you think it's super overpowered and can't be stopped, but where's the fun in that? Not here. I can probably beat it without a sweat, whether I know what it is or not! So come on, Sarah, make things easier for everyone and spit it out! I'll let you know the obvious so you don't get your hopes up. I'm nice like that. I hate to say it, but there's no way you retain that belt come UR! Well. Any match against me is unwinnable. Until it isn't. But we don't talk about that. It's already over! I'm sure you're hyping yourself up for a long reign. So it makes me feel bad to end it so early! But not that bad. My advice to you is to say your goodbyes! Wear it around your waist one last time before the goat comes and swoops it away. That'll make it easier for you to part with it and make way for the new and improved champ!
Religion boy said something too! I kinda feel bad for the guy. He’s not a fiend! Well. Maybe a crack fiend. But one that will probably do more damage to himself than his opponents! He doesn’t look like a monster. He looks like some dude who needs to hit the gym one of these days. You know, we both lost in the first round of that tag tournament. Do monsters lose in the first round? I don’t think so. Probably not. Does a monster follow some god? Well. I guess so. But all that talk about taking the blood of your opponents and eating their souls, or whatever...I find it hard to believe! It’s nothing personal. It just sounds like empty talk! If someone actually threatening said that who has the history to back it up, I might actually believe it! But when it’s said by Euan Hill, I automatically know it’s just hot air. You say all this stuff about violence and crushing people into dust, but maybe you just need to go to therapy or something. Don’t be such a drag! Cleaning the world of it’s filth or whatever sounds kinda depressing. And I doubt you can do that in a wrestling ring. What would a championship do for some god monster? Probably not much. I’m not THAT desperate to not accept blame! Just a little. And that’s ok. You’ll probably be looking for excuses too after I win this thing. I’d like to think that all my sharp objects are where you can see them, you know? I’m not a private person! I’d like to let people know that I can beat their asses. And… you know...I’m just telling it how it is! If people want to believe that I’m a tropical bird, they can go ahead! I wonder what it would be like to be a bird wrestler. Probably not fun. But I see you’re right about one thing. It’s called big drip productions for a reason! Because...you know...the drip is big. Very big. That means I have a shit ton of shiny clothes and all that. Don’t worry. One day you can obtain all the success and money I have! Probably not at UR. But one day!
And finally, there’s the king of cap himself, Alex Slayer! What do I hear when I see his little promo? More cap, that’s what. He’s not even trying to hide it anymore! Before, maybe some of his lies could be believed with a little stretching. But these are just...wrong. False statements! I wonder what he has against me. I didn’t do anything to him! Hell, I didn’t even know he existed until the card for this thing dropped. I’m pondering too, Alex! I’m thinking about why you think that you’re the shit! Sure, I do as well, but I think my claims are pretty accurate. I’m pretty great, you know? Well. You don’t actually know. The king of cap has all the facts backwards! Not like I expected anything less from a guy who respects Daniel Horror. I don’t think his mom even respects him. Shows what you know, I guess. But the time has come to expose the king of cap once again! I hate to do this to you Alex, but you’re bringing this shit on yourself! Can’t you use a fact checker once in a while! I’m pretty sure they’re free. What makes me so great? Well I could go on and on. Look at me! I’m the peak example of physical perfection! I’m charismatic as fuck! I’m part of the greatest tag team in wrestling history! And don’t forget that I’m humble. Extremely humble. So very humble. I think I deserve to be in aring with you, too! But that’s not very hard. I think a wet sock could make a pretty good case at getting a match with you. Well...maybe you have to up your game a little bit to get to the level of the sock. A master of suplexes?!? Oh shit. I shake in fear. I don’t think a suplex can finish a match with four and...a quarter opponents? Maybe it can. But if you said it? It probably can’t. I don’t make the rules. But not only do you lie about yourself, you lie about me! You’re spreading slander about the hipbeast! Shame. SHAME! You know...it was your boy Jacob Striker who tapped out like a bitch in the make or break moment. You know...that title match. I got pinned! But your friend tapped! Maybe you’re thinking about another match. I tapped out like a bitch in a moment that didn’t matter! Not in the make or break moment. Silly Alex. That’s what you get when you listen to the loser! You get a false narrative. A very false narrative. But I don’t fault you for it! Wait no. I do fault you for it. Check your facts, king of cap, because I’m about to tell you something that’s actually true. You suck. You’re welcome!
Yeah, these people don’t look like much. Like Daniel Horror said, I’m overestimating the competition! I might think they’re bad now, but in reality, they’re probably even worse. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it probably is! I don’t doubt how bad at wrestling people can be. I got this! That belt is coming home to papa and only these fools can stop me. And will they? No. No they will not. They’ll try! I’m sure we’ll get a couple things to laugh at later out of it, but when the dust settles, I’ll be your new Warrior Rising champion.