Post by ttthet on Feb 17, 2022 22:19:14 GMT -5
Our scene starts once again at the world-famous HIP HOUSE. Gerald the Giraffe has gone missing. TJ is wandering around the house, searching for his pet.
TJ Thompson: Gerald? Where are you, buddy? I need someone to calculate the velocity of a steel cage! Are you hiding from me? I said I was sorry for walking in on you showering! You don't even wear clothes anyway! I don't see a difference!
TJ checks the underground laboratory, but Gerald is still nowhere to be found. TJ walks back up the stairs with a confused look on his face.
TJ Thompson: Hey Petey, have you seen Gerald lately? I can't find him anywhere! I've searched the entire property!
Lil Petey: Huh...I haven't seen him in the past few days now that I think about it. Let's check the security cameras and see where the homie's at.
TJ and Petey pull up the security camera footage and rewind to the last time Gerald was seen in the house. Gerald is in the living room, in the middle of calling up some hot giraffe bitches, when a rock flies through the window. A team of people in white lab coats run in and inject a syringe into Gerald's neck. They carry him through the window and out of sight of the camera.
TJ Thompson: OH FUCK! Our boy got snatched! Just when we got Sauce back! You know...I was wondering why the room was kinda drafty. I thought it was just winter being cold!
TJ and Petey turn and look at the gaping hole in their window.
Lil Petey: I guess the broken glass got up and walked away. What's with all the kidnappings? Can't people just find their own giraffe? I can't count the number of times one of us has gotten shoved in a white van against our will. It's almost like the hidden puppeteer pulling our strings is running out of ideas.
TJ and Petey stop and stare directly into the camera.
TJ Thompson: Anywaaaaaay...we can't have another Sauce situation! We actually like Gerald! We gotta get our boy back! What are we gonna do?
Lil Petey: Why don't we go to the address on this business card conveniently left on the floor?
TJ Thompson: It's that easy?!? Sheesh. These people must be dumb. That sounds like a move that I would do. Let's go!
TJ and Petey hop in the DRIPMOBILE and hit the road. The two sing songs as they drive. The cameraman almost threw himself out of the car, but managed to keep himself sane long enough for them to reach their destination. The boys get out of the car to see an abandoned warehouse. TJ tries the door, but it's locked.
Lil Petey: It's locked! Damn. Do you know how to pick locks?
TJ Thompson: Man, sometimes I have trouble opening doors that are unlocked. What do you think? But don't worry. I have just the thing.
TJ runs back to the DRIPMOBILE and pulls out a medieval battering ram.
TJ Thompson: I knew this baby would come in handy one day! Stand back, bro. I'm about to smash this door like I smashed Sauce's mom yesterday.
After a few hits with the battering ram, the door swings open. The boys carefully walk into the warehouse to see a small army of roombas waiting for them.
Roomba #1: Destroy…
TJ Thompson: Oh god, they can talk!
The roombas start menacingly approaching TJ and Petey very slowly. The two start to laugh.
Lil Petey: Hahahaha! What are these Sav sized robots gonna do?
Lasers pop out of the roomba's heads.
TJ Thompson: Welp. GET THEM! And try not to lose any important body parts.
TJ and Petey charge the roombas and start punting them while dodging the lasers. Petey almost eats a laser to the face, but TJ pulls him out of the way just in time. TJ kicks the last roomba into the wall and the boys stop to catch their breath.
TJ Thompson: We did it! Those vacuums don't have shit on us. Let's keep going. FOR GERALD!!!
The boys move on to the next room where they find a giant crab. TJ is paralyzed with fear and Petey grabs him just in the nick of time. If he was a second too late, TJ would've had his head crushed.
TJ Thompson: Giant...crab…
Lil Petey: Quick! Grab that giant pot over there! I'll keep him distracted!
TJ snaps out of it and pulls the pot over to a hose in the corner of the room. TJ slowly fills it with water as Petey runs from the crustacean.
Lil Petey: Hurry up!
TJ Thompson: This hose is tiny! I'm moving as fast as I can!
TJ finishes filling the pot and puts it on a small campfire burner.
Lil Petey: FASTER!!!
TJ Thompson: IT'S BOILING!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!? MAKE IT BOIL FASTER?!? WHAT AM I, AQUAMAN?!?
Lil Petey: I can’t hold him off any longer! He’s gaining on me!
After a few minutes of frantic running, the pot finally starts to boil and Petey leads the crab towards it. TJ sticks out his foot, and the monster crab goes flying into the pot of boiling water. It writhes around and goes limp.
TJ Thompson: Is it…is it dead? Did we do it?!?
Lil Petey: Looks like it, homeslice.
TJ Thompson: Nice! In a few minutes, we should have some nicely cooked crab meat!
Lil Petey: But we need to find Gerald!
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah!
The boys move on once again and find a man in a lab coat. He turns around to reveal the face of Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: Huh…how did they get past our guards? I spent months making those things! They were like sons to me!
TJ Thompson: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY?!? I thought you were cool! What did you do with Gerald, you creep?!?
Bill Nye the Science Guy: I’ve been watching him for months. You two dweebs don’t seem to realize that you’ve been living with a giraffe with an IQ of 200! He writes poetry! He’s a freak of nature, and he’s stuck living with failing wrestlers and SoundCloud rappers! He needs to be studied, or at least used to his true potential!
TJ Thompson: That’s too bad! Get your own smart giraffe! He’s ours! Where is he? We gotta take him home! We’re getting kidnapped way too much.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: Why he’s right here-
Bill looks at an empty giraffe-sized cage.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: HE ESCAPED!!! NOOOOOOO!!! How is that even possible?!? I spent months building that cage! It was supposed to be escape-proof! How did he get out? He doesn’t even have opposable thumbs! He has hoofs! How does he use a lockpick?!? With his teeth?!?
TJ Thompson: HA!!! You bum! I ask myself that question all the time. Did you know he renovated our basement without us finding out?
Lil Petey: We gotta find him!
Bill Nye the Science Guy: Not if I find him first! You idiots don’t deserve him! His talents have been wasted opening dimensional portals and doing home improvement!
Everyone runs off in a separate direction to search for Gerald. Petey looks on the roof. Bill checks the garage. TJ checks the bathrooms.
TJ Thompson: Where is this guy? He’s a giraffe! It shouldn’t be this hard to hide!
Bill runs past a suspicious yellow potted plant without stopping. Legs sprout out of the plant and are revealed to be Gerald. Gerald runs out the door, and gets behind the wheel of the DRIPMOBILE. Everyone ends up outside.
Lil Petey: Wait…that’s him out there…AND HE’S IN OUR RIDE!!!
Bill Nye the Science Guy: No! Come back! Do you really wanna go back and live with these losers when you could be making groundbreaking scientific discoveries? We could be something special together! You don’t need these guys!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: He says he doesn't need you either. And your show is mid. Damn. Even I wouldn’t go that far. That’s harsh. I thought it was pretty good!
Bill Nye the Science Guy: Thanks! How could you do this to me, Gerald?!? We could do great things together! Did I put you in a cage? Maybe. Did I kidnap you against your will? Yeah. But it was all for a good cause! Give me another chance!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: He just told you to suck his ass. Wow. Gerald chose violence.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: NO! WAIT!
Gerald drives off into the sunset, leaving everyone behind. His long neck bobbles in the wind.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: NOOOOO!!!
Lil Petey: Wait…how are we gonna get home now? Gerald really left us here with this nerd!
TJ Thompson: Looks like it’s gonna be a lonely walk home for us, bro. Hey…wanna show us some science shit?
Bill Nye the Science Guy: I…I guess…
TJ Thompson: Great!
The boys follow Bill back inside as we fade to black.
------------------------------------
The scene opens up again to reveal TJ and Petey walking on the side of the road.
TJ Thompson: Welp. I’ve just learned that the angry tentacle man has been replaced by our boy, Petey. Apparently he killed Rock Johnson or something. That wasn’t about drive. It was about…murder? Yeah. Murder. Just like how we’re gonna do these True Society bums at The Crowning. And the Kavengers, too! They can just hide in the corner and try not to get hurt. I don’t care about them that much. Just like the name says, this shit is gonna be a war. We might not have an extremely buff spooky dude anymore, but what do we have? The power of friendship! Wait. We don’t even have that. The Kavengers have the power of friendship. We actually don’t like each other all that much. Unfortunate. Welp, we have the power of being better than the Kavengers. That’s half the battle. The other half is being better than True Society. We got this. I believe in us. We already have that sweet record of 1-0! Are we now missing one of our powerhouses? Yep. I guess we’re all too broke to collectively pool our money to pay his bail. That’s too bad. We’ll manage without him, though. I bet a lot of people think that True Society has the advantage because of the type of match we’re in. WarGames is pretty hardcore. We take turns murdering each other until someone is dead enough to not kick out of some finisher into some sharp objects. Or through some sharp objects. Can a corpse get its shit in? I guess we’ll find out after the first casualty. They say True Society has the advantage, but do they really? They’re not ready for the secret tactic. I’ve been waiting to share this with the squad. It’s gonna get us the dub, I’m sure of it.
Lil Petey: Ayo, what is it?
TJ Thompson: We pick up the Kavengers. And we use them as human shields. I’m a genius. They don’t exactly put up that much of a fight. Have you seen those guys against every new debut that signs with this place? They must have some kinda special contract, because they’re always facing these rookies. And they always lose. Shocking. Now I’m sure you might be saying that maybe these rookies are pretty good! Maybe the Kavengers would have better luck against some easier wrestlers. That’s true. Some of them are pretty good indeed, but some of them are pure ass! But they’re still good enough to win that first match! They might suck, but the Kavengers suck even harder.
Lil Petey: But if they’re that bad…why don’t we just pin them ourselves?
TJ Thompson: That’s a fair point. But hear me out. That’s what they would expect us to do!
Lil Petey: Because it’s the most logical thing?
TJ Thompson: Exactly! We gotta be unpredictable. We can’t let them know our next move before it happens.
Lil Petey: But you just said it in front of this camera!
TJ Thompson: …Just trust me, okay?!? I know what I’m doing. I’ve thought long and hard about this. A whole three seconds! Kavengers, I don’t even know your names. Except for Julius. And Ratman. But is Julius really on your side? Nah. I’ll make sure of it. I feel like y’all are a little in over your heads. This could turn into a ‘first to pin a Kavenger’ match instead of a WarGames match. There’s a level of competition, and y’all are not matching it. I hate to say it. Normally, people say that I'm the one that's gonna lose. They say that my chances of winning are slim. But now that you guys are in this match, they're saying that about you, instead! Thanks for taking that abuse for me. You guys are the scrappy underdogs to some. The ones that the people are rooting for, but probably won't win. But to be an underdog, a chance of you winning has to actually exist! There needs to be some alternate universe where you guys overcome the odds and pick up a dub. It doesn't exist. Someone had to say it! Look at the caliber of talent in this thing! You got champions, killers, a few guys hired to be local talents are getting murdered. You guys aren't up there!
Lil Petey: Yeah!
TJ Thompson: I'm glad you agree! I think it was a bad move from that Adam guy to even put you in the match in the first place. You were caught in the middle of True Society jumping us. We bodied you hoes right before that! You got your asses beat by both sides, and now you're expected to survive WarGames? Hell nah. He thought he was doing you a favor by putting you in a high spot on the card, but he just gave us a few extra bodies to pin. You didn't really do anything to be hated by any of us. We padded Petey's stats by crushing you. True Society are just dicks, I guess. Y'all are nothing but innocent bystanders! But after saying that, I gotta do what I gotta do. No hard feelings, right? I'm hitting whoever's in front of me in that cage, and it doesn't matter if you people are innocent or not. And from what I've seen in the past, it won't be very hard to take you out. The Crowning won't be very fun for the Avengers. You're in your role for a reason. Y'all just aren't that good! It's been proven time and time again by anyone who signs with this company. And at The Crowning, Big Drip is gonna prove it once again.
A lone tumbleweed rolls past the boys.
TJ Thompson: It's gonna be a long walk, my boy. Good thing I have a lot to talk about! I'm keeping y'all entertained!
Cameraman Jeff: Sigh.
TJ Thompson: Anyway, it's time to get to the real blood feud. Big Drip vs TS. We've been going at it for a while now, and I have a feeling it won't end after this. These guys are dangerous, but who's more dangerous?!? Us. Drago Santiago? I kinda remember that dude. Didn't he get bodied by Jason then disappear off the face of the earth? I bet a lot of people thought he went back to his day job of insurance salesman. But nah. He's back. And he's with the bummiest faction of PH. I'm sure his business with some people on Fallout isn't over yet, but first he has to deal with us. I know his thing. He bends people back. And not in a fun way. Bending limbs. And not even in a fun way! I have experience with bending the hoes back, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Normally when people come back, they have a nice easy layup to get them back in the swing of things, but not Drago. It’s for their own good! But Drago’s gonna learn why he shouldn’t jump into the deep end right away. Right, Drago? I guess the Kavengers are a good place to start, but not us. You seem like the type of guy to want the spotlight. You know, you don’t wanna be weighed down by a bunch of bums that people focus on instead of you. Sure, they might be a cool launchpad for now, but you surely can’t plan on being with these hoes for life, right? They already don’t like each other as it is. All that internal strife and shit. What’s a newcomer gonna do? They’re a sinking ship, and instead of staying safe on shore, you jumped on the Titanic. Dumbass. That was pretty good, right?
Lil Petey: It was!
TJ Thompson: Thanks! I try my best. Drago, you made a splash, but Big Drip is beating that ass. Hopefully, that shows you what the people you decided to align with are actually made of. Who’s next? Billy Bennet? After hearing that name, I thought you were a man, Billy. These Florida peeps are weird. I didn’t know they had forests in Florida. I thought y’all just had palm trees and crackheads over there. I guess you represent the crackheads, at least. If you’re chilling in Florida, how good of a hunter can you really be? This is why y’all shouldn’t be allowed to describe yourselves. What the fuck are you hunting over there? Seagulls? Tourists? Homeless people? Homeless people seem like a pretty easy target to trap, actually. You just put a bowl of soup or something in one of those beartraps. They’ll walk right into it! Billy, I’m doubting your hunting skills, but I don’t doubt that you’re a little wack. I don’t know if someone mixed something into your food or you fell down the stairs and hit your head, but I’m pretty sure normal people don’t act like that. Normal people also don’t wrestle, but…you’re even crazier than the average wrestler. For some people, that’s a good thing. But that makes you untrustworthy! You could turn on your homies at any moment! How they trust you in a match like this, I have no idea. I don’t know what goes on in your head, but hasn’t the thought crossed your mind?!? Think about it!
Lil Petey: I’m thinking!
TJ Thompson: Wouldn’t it be cool to just beat the shit out of your friends? To a sane person, it doesn’t sound that cool. But I bet it appeals to you, right Billy? Think of the surprised looks on their faces! Think of the depressing crying that’ll happen in the TS Clubhouse! Think about the bell ringing and Big Drip being named the winners! Okay. Maybe not that last part. But you know what I mean! You don’t owe anything to anyone! Do the right thing..in your mind, at least and body your friends! Nobody’s supposed to be safe from the violence! But let’s say you don’t do it despite the many great reasons I’ve just laid out for you. You still don’t have what it takes to beat us. We might not exactly be a united front, but we’re more than enough to knock off you bums. There’s no way you come out on top, so why bother trying when you can have some fun? Murder sounds pretty fun to me. But the only scenario where you get to murder someone is when the person being murdered is on your side. Or maybe a Kavenger.
There’s an awkward silence.
TJ Thompson: Yeah! After Billy, we got Slade Castle. This guy…likes to dish out pain? Oh god, not this again. I get it, Slade. Hurting people sure feels good! I think it feels good for everyone, not gonna lie. Imagine if we all cringed after hitting someone. Matches would be boring as shit! Some matches are ALREADY boring as shit! You’re not special, Slade. Everyone has that mindset. Everyone wants to beat someone up. The difference between you and them is how good at beating people up you are! And since you have those tag belts, I guess you’re not that bad. But that’s only with your partner backing you up. And since he’s playing all sides, I don’t know if he has your back or not. Probably not. Without him, you’re just another TS face that’s blending into the background. What do you have that they don’t, and don’t say some corny shit like your killer instinct or cutthroat attitude. Let’s face it. When something happens to you and Julius and those belts leave your possession, you won’t be anything special. You gotta trust Julius to keep up his end of the bargain, and my boy Petey knows how that man can be.
Lil Petey wipes a tear away.
TJ Thompson: Yep. The man is unreliable. He can’t be trusted. He might be on your side for now, but if he gets a good knock to the head, he could switch sides! And in this match, there are gonna be a lot of knocks to the head. Hopefully not to my head, though. Slade, I’ll give you credit for having a belt at this point in time. That shit’s not easy! I haven’t sniffed a title since the early days of my PH career. But if you think you stand a chance against Big Drip, you’re done for. I’m not about to lose to a man that actually counts his wins in street fights. What, are you carrying around a piece of paper wherever you go in case you get into a scrap? Weird.
Lil Petey: That doesn’t sound like a bad idea!
TJ Thompson: Hush. Anyway, who’s next? Syndicate. Dude, I bet not knowing when enough is enough is a cool trick in the ring when your opponent is a bum. If this was a TS vs Kavengers match, I’m sure there wouldn’t be anything left of those local talent chumps. But let’s say you’re trying to roll through a line of bear traps. Wouldn’t it be cool to take a nice deep breath and consider going around? You know, taking a few steps to the left before you end up bleeding to death. Wouldn’t that be a good idea? But you don’t seem like the type to do that. In this case, Big Drip are the bear traps. We’re not weak enough to be overwhelmed by you running at us over and over again. You’re just gonna get swatted, even if we don’t have a big tentacle man. We have a little tentacle man! And they expect this guy to lead team TS?!? Come on, bro! You couldn’t even lead yourself to a win against Ozy. The only place you’re leading your team is to the L column. Hey, that was a good one! TS doesn’t seem like a group of people that likes to be led. It’s kinda demeaning. I can’t see any of these people taking orders from you. Do you really think you can control these peeps? You can’t even control yourself and avoid rolling through a line of bear traps.
Lil Petey: That’s a good weapon to bring into the match!
TJ Thompson: True! Someone write that down. TS is a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode in their own faces. We might not be best friends, but at least we can work together without having to murder one another every 5 seconds. You saw that two weeks ago when we beat the brakes off the Kavengers. We might not like each other that much, but at least we can work together towards a common goal. Do you really think you can be the glue that holds your team together? Hell no. You're gonna crumble. You're gonna break. And then me and the homies will swoop in and pick up the win. It doesn't matter what you tell them, because in that cage oh, you'll fall apart no matter what. No inspirational speech can stop the inevitable. They won't listen to you. Maybe you'll start off strong, but as the match gets more and more complicated, the infighting will begin. And nobody will be able to save you. Good luck, because you're gonna need it.
The HIP HOUSE is seen in the distance.
TJ Thompson: Almost there, bro! Just one more friends… or foe to go. I don't know about that man Julius. Apparently, he's playing all sides so he always comes out on top. But he's miscalculated a little bit. He might be a winner for sure, but he'll be a loser twice no matter what! No matter who comes out on top he'll be a double loser and only a one-time winner. I guess math isn't his strong suit. That's tough for him, but it's not terrible for us! I don't know what goes on in that guy's head. I don't know how he can be a TS guy and a Big Drip guy at the same time. And I don't know why we didn't kick him out after he joined TS! Why did they book this man on all three teams? They know it's the same guy, right? The same guy with the mental illness? Yeah. But still only one person! When everyone's in the match, one team is gonna have a leg up on the other two. It's not cool that we have to rely on the sanity of one dude. But it is what it is. We gotta think of a strategy to make sure that Julius is on the side of Big Drip. I'm thinking that every time he turns, we give him irreversible brain damage until he comes back to us.
Lil Petey: ...I'm not sure if that's a good idea, bro.
TJ Thompson: Trust me! It'll be fine! Julius, I have a feeling you're a man that cannot be reasoned with. I can't tell you to do anything. But I sure will try! Come on, bro. Make the right choice. Do what's right in your heart. You know we're the good guys. You know we're fighting for truth and justice and all that shit. We're the ones that are cheered. We're doing the right thing! You don't want to go down as the guy that chose to be evil. That's lame. You'll have an angry mob at your house 24/7. If you choose TS, you're choosing the side of evil. Evil is not good. If you choose us, I'll forgive you for jumping me 2 weeks ago. I know you didn't mean it! You weren't in your right mind! Oh yeah, if you choose the Kavengers, you're choosing a guaranteed loss. You don't want to be on the side eating the pin! There are better ways you can use your talents. Like with us. And if you choose anyone but us, you won't be safe from the ass beating coming your way. We can't wait for you to make up your mind, and if you make it clear you're against us, we'll have no choice but to murder you like we're gonna murder everyone else in that match.
Lil Petey: Yeah! Murder!
TJ Thompson: I'm not exactly the most hardcore guy on this roster, but if that's what it takes to put an end to TS, I'll do whatever it takes. This match is gonna be a bloodbath. People might die, bodies will be broken, and we're all locked in with a mentally unstable man that could flip on us at any moment. Sounds like a fun time! I trust my boys to get it done. I know it's gonna be a struggle, but we can overcome. TS signed their death warrant by declaring war, and we'll finish the job at The Crowning.
We fade to black as the boys reach their home.