Back to Basics

SERRANO POBLANO: Hello, friends. As you all know by now, my name is Serrano Poblano and I’m a proud member of the Project: Honor roster, a founding member of The KaVengers, and tag team partner of the one and only, Percival “Ratman” Burque.

Serrano is seated directly in front of the camera, almost as if he’s giving a testimonial for an episode of Pursuit of the Ring. Thankfully, he is fully dressed and is refraining from eating while on camera.

SERRANO POBLANO: I’ve been around for a while now, and you could say that my success so far has been…sparse. In fact, my record got so bad that they moved my profile from the regular roster to the sub-directory for Enhancement Talent.

He gives a half-hearted smile and shrugs his shoulders.

SERRANO POBLANO: That’s okay, I guess. I try not to let the perception others have of me affect my desire to be the best combat chef the world of Professional Wrestling has ever seen. In fact, before I met Percy, I was content with being a jobber to the stars. It’s not that I didn’t try, because I really did give it my best, but losing on a regular basis never got to me.

Serrano’s eyes narrow as he leans closer to the camera.

SERRANO POBLANO: But that was before I discovered the power of friendship. In just over a week’s time, my friends and I will enter a Wargames cage to face off against the legendary members of Big Drip Worldwide and the evil sociopaths of the True Society. Against that kind of competition, the well-being of my friends could be at stake. That’s why jobbing out is no longer an option. I need to be in the best fighting shape of my life, ready to give everything I have inside of that cage, to protect my friends from harm and do my part to earn us the victory. Percy and I came within a pubic hair of becoming the tag team champions, and if you think my effort in that match was surprising, just wait until you see what I’ve done to prepare for Wargames. I guess you could say, I went back to where it all started. I went back to basics.



The scene cuts to pre-recorded footage of Serrano from earlier in the week. He is standing in the center of his practice ring within the Hotter Than Hell test kitchen, dressed in a tank top and gym shorts, a headband to keep the sweat out of his eyes, and legwarmers pulled up to his knees. As he bounces in the ring to complete a series of jumping jacks, a harsh voice rings out from somewhere off camera.

??: You worthless fat fuck! Is this what’s become of you since you left my training school? You pathetic donkey!

The camera operator pans over to see who is interrupting Serrano’s training, revealing the one and only Scotch Bonnet, the legendary Scottish wrestler turned Michelin Star Chef.


The man who trained Serrano to compete inside of a wrestling ring, and also taught him how to make the perfect burger, continues to speak his mind in a whiney, yet angry, tone of voice.

SCOTCH BONNET: Look at the state of you! It’s pathetic, Serrano! What have you done to yourself?

SERRANO POBLANO: Mr. Bonnet! I wasn’t expecting you so soon!

SCOTCH BONNET: Of course, you didn’t! That’s why I had my camera crew come in early so that I could see exactly what I was getting into! Do you know what they found, Serrano?

SERRANO POBLANO: Oh…oh geez…it could be a lot of things…

The scene cuts again, this time going back ever further in time, as Scotch Bonnet’s camera crew investigated Serrano’s Hotter Than Hell test kitchen. As the camera zooms in on the shelves within the walk-in cooler, Scotch Bonnet provides a voice-over.

SCOTCH BONNET: He’s been keeping raw chicken in a container with the fresh veg! It’s contaminated!

We then see Scotch Bonnet pull out a piece of chicken to give it a good sniff.

SCOTCH BONNET: Ugh! Oh my God! It’s foul!

He immediately runs to a trash can and begins to retch, but thankfully the footage changes to show Serrano’s training in the ring. The Sultan of Spice dives off the top rope, landing on his back in the center of the ring for an ugly looking senton on an invisible opponent. After landing awkwardly, Serrano has a look of anguish on his face.

SERRANO POBLANO: Holy Stromboli! My kidneys!

His former trainer continues to provide a voice-over.

SCOTCH BONNET: Look at you flopping on your back like a dead fish! Pathetic! You overcooked the flop and almost landed on your head, Serrano! What were you thinking?!

We then see Serrano sitting down for a lunch break, as he chows down on a sardine and jalapeno jelly sandwich.

SCOTCH BONNET: What the fuck are you eating there? It’s raw! It’s fucking raw!

The scene then cuts back to Scotch Bonnet as he confronts Serrano inside of the practice ring.

SCOTCH BONNET: Your walk-in cooler is in disarray…your top rope moves have become sloppy…and your diet is dreadful! What happened to the man I trained to cook and fight? What happened to the man who slapped a headlock on a food critic and cracked his skull? What happened to the man who cooked the spiciest jambalaya I’ve ever tasted and then used the pot to batter his opponent senseless? Do you even want to be in a wrestling ring that’s been set up inside of a kitchen? Have you lost your passion, Serrano?

Overcome with confusion after being berated by his hero and trainer, Serrano hangs his head and searches his soul for the answer to those questions.

SCOTCH BONNET: Look me in the eyes, you fat, fucking donkey!

Serrano slowly raises his head to meet the gaze of his hard-ass trainer, summing all of his determination and focusing it through his eyes.

SERRANO POBLANO: No, sir. I still have that passion.

SCOTCH BONNET: Then why aren’t you showing it? Why are people like the Phantom Troupe and Big Drip Worldwide handing you your own arse?

SERRANO POBLANO: I…I don’t…

Suddenly, The Scotch Bonnet reaches out and slaps Serrano across the face.

SCOTCH BONNET: Answer me, damn it!

SERRANO POBLANO: …because I…I…

The Scotch Bonnet slaps him again.

SCOTCH BONNET: You’ve lost your hunger, haven’t you? You’ve lost your drive!

The Scotch Bonnet rears back to slap Serrano a third time, but The Sultan of Spice reaches up with his own hand and catches his trainer’s arm by the wrist. He then twists Scotch Bonnet’s arm into a hammerlock and forces him toward the corner turnbuckles, where he keeps the hammerlock applied with one hand while slamming Bonnet’s face against the buckle with his other hand.

SERRANO POBLANO: How’s that for hunger and drive, you insufferable prick?!

Serrano then pulls the Scotch Bonnet back out of the corner and whips him across the ring into the opposite buckles. While he’s stunned, Serrano charges across the ring and lands a big avalanche! When the Scotch Bonnet staggers out of the corner, Serrano proceeds to drop him with a stiff clothesline, knocking him to the mat! Poblano then bounces off the ropes and runs back toward his fallen trainer, leaping into the air to perform a standing frog splash! The move hits and Scotch Bonnet is clearly dazed. Serrano kneels by his side and grabs him by the collar of his chef’s uniform.

SERRANO POBLANO: I was marinating that chicken with the veggies, you judgmental prick! And I didn’t over-rotate the senton because I wanted to hit my opponent with as much weight as possible! And quite frankly, anyone who cooks their sardine and jalapeno jelly sandwich is a fucking lunatic!!!

Serrano sprays the face of his training with a shower of spit as he yells in his face, but despite that, the Scotch Bonnet slowly begins to smile.

SCOTCH BONNET: Now that…is the man I trained. I’m glad to see it, Serrano, because we’re going to kick each other's arses for the next two weeks until you’re ready to make Wargames your personal bitch.



The scenes from earlier in the week fade out, replaced by Serrano once again sitting in front of the camera to give his testimonial.

SERRANO POBLANO: The Scotch Bonnet won more titles in Scotland than anyone in the history of wrestling. He has Micheline Star restaurants in twelve different countries. He makes the best damn Creme Brulee you’ve ever tasted and also happens to be the master of the Shepherd’s Pie-ledriver. That’s the man who’s been training me in the ring and the kitchen since the last Proving Ground.

I don’t expect any of you to panic upon hearing this, because I’m sure you’ve been training as well. You have your own methods and routines that the KaVengers and I will have to contend with, but thanks to the Scotch Bonnet, I’m more ready for this match than any other match I’ve been involved in. Petey and TJ can bring all the swag they’ve got, but Percy and I have plenty of moves of our own. I mean, Petey’s retiring for crying out loud! He doesn’t have hunger anymore, but we do. That’s the secret. I’m always hungry.

As for someone like MYOJIN, they may have lots of flashy moves and strikes. Pound for pound, they may even be the best technical competitor in the company, but none of those Japanese maneuvers can surprise a man who’s mastered Japanese cuisine. Sure, MYOJIN can hit a triple backflip side kick rana into a double clutch suplex, but can he sushi roll like Serrano? I don’t think so. I’ve seen the Karate Kid, so I know all about MYOJIN waxing off, and not even that can topple my chopstick technique.

Then there’s Swindle Shelldrake, a guy with a bad attitude and an even worse hairstyle. He’ll be bringing the killer instinct to Big Drip’s team, but that’s not a big concern. I’m something of a killer myself. Do you know how many lobsters I’ve boiled alive? Do you know how many chickens have had their heads ripped off by these very hands? Swindle doesn’t know it yet, but he’s in over his head. I’ve done some Shake n’ Bake with lots of Shellfish over the years, and I’m pretty sure that’s a relevant point. I just don’t fully understand how just yet.

The thing about Big Drip Worldwide is that they’re just as bad as the True Society. The KaVengers weren’t formed to stand up to the bad guys or cheat to help each other win. They were formed because Big Drip had a team meeting and locked us out of catering. When you get right down to it, they’re just as bad as the True Society. When they were forming their little group, did they even bother to invite Percy to join them? I can understand why they wouldn’t invite me or the other KaVengers, but Percy was in the Clive Darling Memorial Tournament! He was a rising star who put his own career on hold to bring out the best in the company’s enhancement talent! Seems like he’s the kind of guy Big Drip could have used on their side, but they were too busy being an elitist clique, just like Arik Holt’s group of psychos.

Serrano pauses, giving some deep thought to the very group he’s just mentioned.

SERRANO POBLANO: I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what the point of the True Society is. To keep Arik Holt in power? To keep all the title belts amongst themselves? Man, that’s just selfish. If you don’t believe me, just take a look at that Billy Bennett person. She’s so selfish that she’s taken titles and opportunities away from her own teammates! What’s up with that, Billy? You’re like the freaking kid in 5th grade that would throw the ball over the fence just so no one else could play with it. I hate people like that, which means I hate Billy Bennet. Percy would tell me I shouldn’t hate people, but I can’t help it. Billy Bennett is a jerk.

Then again, so is Syndicate. I mean, he has awesome hair and a sweet coat that he wears to the ring, but other than that, he’s just not a nice person. He seems like the kind of guy who orders his tacos with the toppings on the side so he can put it together himself. Serious OCD issues going on with that guy. I mean, just trust the people in the Taco Truck! It’s their freaking job, dude! They know what they’re doing!

And this Slade Castle guy, what a psycho! Percy and I know all about him already, especially how he likes to beat up people in doctors’ offices and then tie them to chairs. I can almost forgive that stuff, but what I can’t forgive is his complete lack of taste. I know he was a Marine and probably ate a lot of MREs in the desert, but you’d think a guy like that would have learned how to add some personality to his dishes. Instead, he probably undercooks his steak and doesn’t bother seasoning it before he just eats it with his hands. Heathenry at its finest, right there.

Finally, they have Drago Santiago, who used to be a really big deal around this company. He was a Prime Champion for quite a while. Well, he was also a prime a-hole. He fits right in with the rest of those tools in the True Society, thinking he’s better than everyone else just because he has some sick tattoos. Well, I’ve got a couple tattoos of my own, Drago. I’ve even got a habanero inked on my schlong, but you don’t see me showing it off, do you?

On some level I can sympathize with the weirdos in True Society, cause they’re all a bunch of freaks and rejects. News flash! So are the KaVengers, but you don’t see us being a bunch of d-bags about it! With your shitty attitudes, all you’ve accomplished is being a walking advertisement for birth control. You’re about to find out that abstinence was the way to go, cause I’m going into that Wargames Match to tie your tubes and snip your sacks!

Serrano allows himself a confident smile as he nods his head.

SERRANO POBLANO: You know, The Scotch Bonnet taught me a lot of cool things to do in the kitchen and in a wrestling ring, but I didn’t learn my most important lessons from him. I learned them from my friends in the KaVengers. Noah taught me that it’s okay to be bland on the outside as long as you're full of flavor on the inside. Rapture taught me that you can never love something too much, even if you take that obsession to the next level and start wearing a Halloween mask every day of the year. Julius taught me that the sweet Baby Jesus has our backs, even if I can only trust him a third of the time. Finally, Percival Burque taught me the value of accepting our flaws and turning them into strengths…he taught me to never give up on yourself…and he taught me the true power of friendship.

So even if this is our last dance, even if the other teams break our bodies, our spirits will never be broken. Our friendship will outlast all of you. Because of that, I know that the KaVengers have already won, and knowing is half the battle. Winning is the other half. So, we have both.

Make food, not war! Serrano out!

And with that, Serrano stopped recording and proceeded to submit his promotional package to the proper officials in Project: Honor. If only he knew what the rest of the world already suspected, he would have titled this piece “My Obituary”.