Post by levy on Jan 19, 2022 19:33:01 GMT -5
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A disclaimer fills the screen, white text on a dark background.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions, beliefs and statements of Johnny Levy are not shared by anyone involved in the production of this promo.
His handler cannot be held personally responsible, due to the transitory and illusory nature of the written word in an RP-only setting.
Anyone who is easily upset should go read something less offensive; perhaps the latest episode of Fallout.
#BabyFace #HeelWithIt #Uncancellable
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Another cycle.
Another defeat.
Another upcoming match against Swindle Shelldrake, for some inexplicable reason.
Who could keep their head held high after taking a series of brutal Ls?
Who can rise up from the dirt, to seize their Jewish birthright as one of Project: Honor’s Chosen People?
And most importantly:
WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP?
The answer to all those questions - by the way - is ‘not Johnny Levy’.
Now that we’re clear on that, the scene opens up to the sight of a morose, defeated man, sitting in a massive leather chair in the smoking room of his luxurious home in the Hollywood Hills. There’s a pile of books on the desk in front of him that have - in all likelihood - never been opened, let alone read.
In one hand he holds a burning cigar that fills the air with such delicious smoke that I could easily spend upwards of 5,000 words describing the aroma, but I will not, because I am a merciful writer.
In the other, he buries his face, rubbing away with dull, subdued frustration at the events that have occurred ever since he joined Project: Honor in the hopes of hyping up his upcoming professional wrestling drama.
He’s pretty sure he’s never even mentioned his motives for signing up for all this in any segments or promos! What the hell kind of shoddy character development is that?
As much as he may not care about wins, or losses, or anything other than getting his face and name up there on the screen in front of a crowd of lonely, basement-dwelling, probably unemployed professional wrestling fans, things are different now.
He has friends. Allies, in the war against the current crude, vulgar state of this so-called ‘sport’.
Giovanni and Sonya. Two individuals who - with a bit of work and a lot of luck - might someday rise to the levels of pure, unrestrained genius and class that HE so effortlessly exudes.
For their sake, he must TRY.
With that in mind, he stubs out the last remnants of his cigar, pulling his face from his hand as he shuffles around the papers on his desk; finally pulling out one particular sheet, which he holds in front of his face contemplatively.
It contains that which can make or break an imaginary, internet-based professional wrestler.
The sacred tome by which pushes and burials are decided, because it’s definitely not done by the whim of a General Manager or their inner circle (this isn’t REDACTED, after all).
The most powerful piece of paper in all of e-fedding.
The judging criteria.
With a mighty inhalation of breath to steady his body - and his mind - for what is to come, he prepares himself for the arduous journey ahead.
He will...
Write a promo for Proving Grounds.
A real promo this time.
(DISCLAIMER: MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE A REAL PROMO)
CHARACTER (10 POINTS):
Through the power of MOVIE MAGIC/IMAGINARY ROLEPLAY, Johnny Levy is whisked away to a booth in the famous Hollywood deli known affectionately as ‘Larry’s Reubens & Assorted Smoked Meats & Also We Have Some Bangin’ Pickles Y’all & Jewish History Museum In The Back’.
He is sitting opposite one of his old friends, the famous lawyer/rabbi/media mogul agent Noah ‘Hope’ Greenblatt.
No relation to the GOAT jobber - and man who defeated Jason Long - on Fallout, of course.
“Character, huh? Well, this oughta be easy. I’m Johnny Levy, bay bay!”
Levy pauses after this loud exclamation, as several of the nearby patrons crane their necks to look at the idiot who decided to start yelling nonsense in the middle of a busy deli. When it becomes clear he’s not getting the audience callback section from these rubes enjoying their meals, he moves on to the next part.
“You know it’s all about the BOO-”
The feed cuts away to static briefly, before returning to a written notice instead of the previous scene as one might have expected.
<THE REMAINDER OF THIS PROMO SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED ON COPYRIGHT GROUNDS BY AEW (ALL EFFETE WANKERS) INC.>
SHOOT (5 POINTS):
“Well, Johnny, it’s simple. There’s three effective means of shooting on people in this game. One, let them know exactly what you’re going to do to them in the ring. I’m talking some real in-depth, mentally ill stuff like ‘okay, if you go for an armbar, maybe I counter with a side headlock’. Then we have the shoots that are very dismissive of your opponent. Make sure to call them a bitch multiple times and generally run down their wrestling ability. It’s sure to make you look good when you inevitably lose in the judging! Third, tell them you’re going to kill them.”
“Kill them and then what?”
“No, that’s literally it. Make it descriptive, sure, ‘oh I’m going to tear your skin off and maybe make love to the corpse afterwards and also torture your family and I’m going to drive through your house with a killdozer’.”
“That’s so stupid though, why would I announce my intent to commit murder on a public forum? If anything, I'd just call the Mossad to do it all quiet-like.”
“I don’t make the rules, Johnny baby.”
“Alright, well. Worth a shot I suppose.”
“Swindle Shelldrake. We’ve met in the ring before, and I wasn’t ready for you then. I mean, the stench alone was enough to make my eyes water; kind of hard to wrestle properly when you’re up against that kind of odor. But this time, I’ve been watching some old tapes, to learn how they did things back in the GOOD OLD DAYS.”
“When you go for your <INSERT FINISHER/SIGNATURE MOVE HERE>, guess what I’ll do? No-sell. Work the crowd. Hulk up. Big boot. Drop the leg. Clean pin in the middle of the ring. Take ALL your heat and make it MINE. Draw the house. Go backstage, yell at the GM. Exercise creative control. Take a bunch of steroids and lie about it on national television. Say a bunch of racist shit on Twitter and in my personal life. Get canceled and banned from most professional wrestling events, forever ruining my legacy and establishing me as an irredeemable asshole in the eyes of the public. Live in pain after a lifetime of using my leg drop finisher, which is a really stupid move to lean on considering the constant damage it inflicts to your tailbone. I mean what’s next, a diving headbutt as a finisher? So dumb.”
“...”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Okay then. Now, next up, TJ Thompson? This one should be easy. TJ Thompson, I am better than you and I will surely win. No, more than that, you are a bitch who does bitch-like things and you are most certainly a subpar wrestler. Amateur, even. I feel so confident in my victory that I am completely fine burying you and making you look like the weakest person in the fed, as it will surely not backfire on me and make my own character look like an even bigger bitch than he already does on a week-by-week basis. Such blowback has literally never happened in the history of this pretend sport, and I’m confident it won’t happen here either.”
“P.S. you’re a bitch.”
“And Archie? Oh how I’ve waited to step into the ring with you again, you poor fool. It’s been a whole, entire one cycle since we were booked to wrestle each other! That’s far too long to wait for our inevitable rematch. But I’ve been patient, plotting in the shadows as I ponder what I’m going to do to you.”
“Before I end your miserable, wretched, actually probably pretty cool existence with my bare hands and maybe some kind of bladed weapon, I will put you in a side headlock and chain wrestle you for 60 - 90 minutes, as I put you through every torture imaginable to man, beast or demon. Then I sha-.. man, this is fucking boring. Can we skip this? The whole ‘threaten violence for 2,000 words’ gimmick just isn’t over with me, brother.”
“Yeah, we should be fine to forget that one.”
“Alright, we done. WRAP IT UP.”
“Actually there’s still a few sections on the rubric to hit.”
“Why did I sign up for this, again?”
“You said, and I quote, ‘I must secure the bag, for my people’.”
“Makes sense.”
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (10 POINTS):
“How’s the corned beef?”
“It’s good.”
“I’ll have that. And bring me a cup of coffee. Red hot and black, just like THAT ASS.”
“...”
“So, Noah, what the hell is next?”
“Are you familiar with brumation?”
"The what now?"
“In the winter, some animals bury themselves in a hole and sleep there for months.”
“Hibernation?”
“No, that’s for warm-blooded creatures. For the cold-blooded, like snakes, it’s brumation. The snake buries himself in a hole; the only difference is, the snake doesn’t sleep. He stays awake. All winter, waiting for the right moment to emerge. And that moment is now.”
“Listen, Noah, I told you, you’ve got to stop listening to Alex Jones. Lizard people do not exist, and even if they did, Hollywood isn’t full of reptilian shapeshifters. Trust me, I’d know.”
“...damnit, Levy. I’m talking about your gimmick. The whole snake thing.”
“I don’t have a snake gimmick!”
“...Wait. Sorry. This isn’t your paperwork, it’s for someone called… ‘Billy Bennett?’”
At this, Levy visibly perks up, looking interested for the first time.
“Wait, the junkie from Fallout? ...do you happen to have her phone number in those files?”
Noah flips through, before shaking his head sternly.
“Nope. Just a mailing address for a meth lab in the Everglades. And by mailing address I mean GPS coordinates. And by GPS coordinates, I mean THIS.”
Shows levy a piece of paper with a bunch of nonsensical scribbles on them. Looks like a crossroads with a few direction arrows and illegible directions written underneath them.
“Goddamnit, why do the thick ones always have to play so hard to get?”
"A question for the ages, Johnny my old friend."
“Wait a minute, did you write a bunch of character development for the wrong character? We’re not even on the same damn show!”
“Listen Johnny, the people want Billy Bennett. They’re fairly uninterested in you, however.”
“So you’re saying I am LESS popular to these fans than a heel who lives in a literal swamp, snorts cocaine every waking hour, has probably killed several people since I woke up this morning, doesn’t bathe or wash her clothes, and seems to have a reaaaaaaaally perverse, disturbingly intense obsession with seeing Arik Holt and Savannah Sunshine get together and make babies?”
“That’s correct.”
“This some bullshit.”
“You’ve got to understand, everyone is REALLY invested in that Fallout brand; of course their wrestlers are going to be more over with the crowd than you rubes fooling around on the B-show.”
“Did you just call ME a rube?”
“Perhaps.”
“Hate it here.”
“Look, Levy, bubbelah, it’s nothing personal. Just have a glance at the difference in promos. Billy Bennett is dropping hot fire - deep psychological shit, exploring character motives and history, implied sadomasochistic sex with Jason Long look-a-likes - and you’re out here with MAYBE 10 minutes of anti-Marvel digs, meta commentary on the state of the fed, and personal attacks on wrestlers who aren’t even on the same brand you’re trying to promo for!”
“Savannah Sunshine sucks.”
“This is what I’m talking about. This kind of irrelevant shit is holding you back, Johnny.”
“Fuck Spider-Man.”
“You know the GM is a fan of that stuff, though, you’re really just digging your own grave.”
“Nah, you are.”
“...listen, you want my advice? Go talk to your handler and tell him to transfer some of that effort from Fallout to Proving Grounds. I mean, look at this shit for instance. He's hardly even bothering to break up the dialogue with any mannerisms or inner thoughts.”
“...what the fuck is a handler?”
“...maybe I’ve said too much. Let’s move on before things get really weird.”
CREATIVITY AND ENTERTAINMENT (10 POINTS):
“I’ve got to be honest with you, Noah. I really don’t see why we should spend any time on being creative or entertaining. I mean, Marvel films are neither of those and people eat that shit up! How about we just keep writing a bunch of unfunny, completely tone-inappropriate quips that inevitably fall flat but seem to pop the marks regardless of actual quality?”
"Hmmm. You're right, you probably don't have to put much effort into this one either."
“Aight, bet.”
ACCURACY AND MATCH RELEVANCE (10 POINTS):
“So this is where the GM gets to pad the score for his favorite wrestlers, right? Like there’s no way to accurately gauge ‘match relevance’ beyond me just listing the wrestlers in the match, the location of the show, the time and date, and the expected outcome, right?”
“So that’s what I’ll do.”
“On January 21st in the year of our Lord 2022, the mighty forces of Johnny ‘Superstar’ ‘The Kosher Killer’ ‘Goyim Slayer’ Levy, Gio ‘Two Chains’ Vanni and Sonya ‘Blueblood’ Benson will join together to slay the wicked armies of the sinister Lil Petey’s Big Drip Productions, as represented by Pringle Bellshake, That Asshole from Riverdale, and Lil Petey’s Bitch.”
"And I don't mean Ozy. Lil Petey's other bitch."
“The show will take place at Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse in Cleveland, Ohio at 8pm Eastern Standard Time. It will go down in the history books as one of the most savage burials in the history of professional wrestling, as Sonya Benson single-handedly defeats the entire opposing team by outclassing them to death.”
“We’ve got to be done by now, right? Wait, a grammar section?”
“My greatest weakness...”
GRAMMAR (5 POINTS):
The scene switches, to Johnny Levy once again back in his Hollywood mansion’s smoking room. He stares with frustration at an entry level book of English Grammar, brows furrowed and sweat running down his face as he tries to understand the difference between a noun and a verb, as well as greater mysteries such as…
“What the fuck does a semicolon even do, seriously? I think people just use them because they look cool. Seriously, check this out...”
“;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”
“That’s good shit, pal.”
“ALRIGHT, BLESS UP. WE FINISHED FOR THE CYCLE, BROTHERS.”
A voice appears from offscreen, giving him the worst news he has heard in months.
“Actually, we still have to write a match by the 8PM deadline tomorrow.”
“...we better be getting paid for this.”
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FEEDBACK:
Damn, brother, this the dopest promo I ever read. Take the W and go in peace, my child. Also don't worry about the semicolons going forward, you made a good point that literally nobody cares about grammar and artistic license in creative writing is something that exists.
P.S. I'm so glad you've come to Proving Grounds to draw some dimes. God knows we needed it, you glorious son of a bitch, you.
Sincerely,
Your Best Friend and Lover,
Chadwick Something
=====================================================Chadwick Something
CHARACTER (10 POINTS): 10
SHOOT (5 POINTS): 5
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (10 POINTS): 10
ACCURACY AND MATCH RELEVANCE (10 POINTS): 10
GRAMMAR (5 POINTS): 5
TOTAL SCORE (40 POINTS): 40/40
STATUS: GOATed as FUCK
JAPANESE VIDEO GAME RANK: SSS
SHOOT (5 POINTS): 5
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (10 POINTS): 10
ACCURACY AND MATCH RELEVANCE (10 POINTS): 10
GRAMMAR (5 POINTS): 5
TOTAL SCORE (40 POINTS): 40/40
STATUS: GOATed as FUCK
JAPANESE VIDEO GAME RANK: SSS
A JOHNNY LEVY PRODUCTION
DIRECTED BY
JOHNNY LEVY
CINEMATOGRAPHY BY
JOHNNY LEVY
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
JOHNNY LEVY
WRITTEN & EDITED BY
JOHNNY LEVY
STARRING
JOHNNY LEVY
TRADEMARKS AND COPYRIGHTS HELD BY
JOHNNY LEVY