Post by ttthet on Dec 14, 2020 22:14:57 GMT -5
Our scene starts in a darkened news studio. It appears to be empty and closed for the night until sirens blare, lights turn on and the HNN logo flashes onto the screen. The logo disappears to reveal TJ Thompson in an oversized suit with a comically large microphone sitting at the news desk.
TJ: HIP NEWS NETWORK IS BACK!!! It’s like it never left! Or it’s the first time some people are seeing it or something! Let’s just say it’s like it never left. Where did the siren come from? Whatever that doesn’t matter. But you know what matters? The fact that the most trusted news source in the history of the world is here to inform you people. And will not spread crab propaganda. You can’t trust a crab. People say shit like you can’t trust the media! Or that the news is always trying to spread some slanderous narrative about someone who they don’t like. But in a world of news you can’t trust, Hip News Network provides a completely unbiased opinion! We’re here to deliver the facts and only the facts. And...maybe I’ll chip in once in a while. But I’m never wrong. You can trust what I say. Totally. Right? Right. Except when it comes to crabs. Hip News is biased towards crabs and proud of it. Moving on!
A graphic that looks like it was made in five minutes flashes onto the screen advertising Unbreakable Resolution.
TJ: Oh hell yeah, look at that work of art. I’m a graphical god! But there’s one problem...what the fuck does unbreakable resolution mean? A resolution...that can’t break? What the fuck does that even mean? What’s with wrestlers and weird names? Literally, EVERYTHING has a weird name. First name, last name, PPV name, you know what I mean. I need to hire a translator or something to decipher whatever the fuck an unbreakable resolution is. But that’s not the point here! We’ve got some stacked matches on this card! Matches that could change the complexion of PH! Or so I’m told. I don’t really know. Who do we have on this thing? We’ve got...angry cowboy man vs pale makeup guy! Last man standing, oh shit. And then there’s...the tag tourney finals. Boooooo. BOOOOOO. It should’ve been me. Let’s agree on that. What else is there...purge match? That sounds kinda familiar. I thought I saw this in a movie or something...nah couldn’t be. PH is known for its creativity and originality! Just look at that PPV name! But either way, that looks kinda neat. I don’t know why you would go to St. Elmo willingly, but you do you. Blah blah blah, tones in singles action, I don’t know what a legacy championship series is, barbed wire sounds bad for my health, more cages?
TJ picks up a picture of a goat.
TJ: Oh yeah, and there’s the Warrior Rising championship coronation. See that goat? It’s the future champ. You know...me. That’s right, I’m calling myself the goat again! Hip News never lies so you know it’s true. But I’ll probably talk a lot more about that match later because...you know...I’m in it. Shouldn’t be that hard, right?
TJ puts down the picture of the goat.
TJ: And that's not all! PH is expanding to two brands! With two rosters, they won't have to do all those random tag matches all the time. Or maybe they just like them, I don't know. Either way, the roster is splitting in half! Hopefully Big Drip doesn't get broken up. Fallout is gonna be all hardcore and shit like that. Woo violence! Why can't we all get along? I don't know. But as long as nobody slanders hip, we won't have a problem.
Another five minute graphic of a list of the PH roster flashes onto the screen.
TJ: I thought they were gonna split the roster with a butter knife or something. Maybe they could have a match between GMs for the first pick or something. But nah. Just a boring old draft! Booo. Where's the creativity? Everyone does a draft. Why do that when you can...uh...do something else? I don't really know. But not only is there a new brand, it comes with belts too! What type of belts, you ask? Well my vast knowledge only goes so far. There's...three of them? Maybe four, I don't know. But I know that they exist! That's what matters, right? All that other shit is extra. You don't need to know it.
A picture of the new championships drawn in MS Paint comes on the screen.
TJ: Wow, look at that work of art! I wonder who drew it. Whoever it is has a talent! These things look interesting. I don't really know what they're called or anything...but I'm sure they would look good around my waist. A lot of things look good around my waist. I have a very attractive waist.
The picture disappears and is replaced by a picture of an IG thot.
TJ: Wait...that wasn't supposed to be there. NEXT SLIDE, NEXT SLIDE!
The picture quickly changes to the SAUCY EBOY CHRONICLES album cover.
TJ: And our final story of the night is a plug for my boy Yung Sauce! He may have paid me half a pepperoni pizza for the advertising...but it's not like I have it away for free, right? But it's not just paid advertising! Take it from me, I never lie. THIS ALBUM IS SOME FUCKING HEAT!!! Buy it now or you're dead to me. This is the definition of culture. And right on time for the holidays! Buy it. We need money to repair the Hip House. Apparently a lot of things stain walls. A lot of fucking things. Who knew? Not me. AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY!!! Hip News! Your most reliable news source, signing off!
The HNN logo flashes across the screen once again before fading to black.
------------------------------------------
They gave me a title match? Wow, that didn't take very long...I mean...of course they gave me a title match! Anyone with eyes can see why I deserve to be the next Warrior Rising champion. So why not shoot me to the top right away?!? Obviously, I've shattered everyone's already high expectations with my overpowered greatness. And I was going easy on those hoes! Imagine what happens when I release 2% of my power. It should be enough to beat whoever is in this thing! Totally. Who else is in this thing? This seems like a weird match to throw at poor Sarah. It seems that she hasn't really been doing much. Hell, was she even showing up to the Proving Grounds? There wasn't even any blood feud. What's a title match without a good blood feud? If I wasn't in this thing, I would feel bad for the champ. A random defence against five thirsty hoes doesn't sound very fun. But I'm one of those thirsty hoes! So I don't. Whatever. I'm sure she doesn't need it. But I could use it! I'm sure it would help my career. And you know...it's kinda fun. The belt also suits my attractive waist! Like a lot of things. It's like...a really expensive waist ornament. I need it!
But I guess I should want it for other things too, right? Like...having a championship is this great honor, right? Yeah. I'm pretty sure. But I'm not like those clout chasers! No no no. I'm an ADVANCED clout chaser! That's right, when I'm around, no amount of clout is safe. That means when a title is available, everyone should just give up. Don’t bother trying to fight it! You’ll just hurt yourself. Physically and emotionally. I’ve made plenty of people cry! Sure, I’ve lost a few other title matches...but those don’t count. THEY DON’T COUNT!!! I was going easy on those suckers! Yeah. Let’s say that. I guess a boost to my resume would be cool too. But I don’t know what that Warrior Rising championship would add when compared to my achievements like...uh...world beer drinking champion...and...world record of most uses of the word hip! It just doesn’t compare. But I guess it’ll be a nice thing to put in my basement or something when I’m not adorning my waist with it. Defending it? I guess I’d have to do that too. They probably won’t let me just hold onto it no matter how much I beg which is a shame. But it’s not like I’m doing anything else, right? I guess I could gift PH some of my precious time and energy and turn this belt into a real championship to be proud of! Hip makes everything better. So obviously it'll turn the Warrior Rising championship into something people strive for! Who doesn't want a belt with the stamp of the goat across it? Probably not many people. I don't know.
But I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, aren't I? I guess it's a little rude to claim my victory before I actually win it. I'm sure everyone else is claiming their win, but I pride myself on being different! In a good way. Yeah. In a good way. I have four and a half opponents to go through before I claim the belt that they're keeping warm for me. The half being Daniel Horror, of course. Does he even count? I feel like they threw him in this thing because they couldn't bear to hold him off another PPV card. But either way, the man technically has a chance to win the belt! Will he? Probably not. But people say that shit about a lot of things. You never know! People said that I wouldn't win the tag tourney...and you know...ok, that was a bad example. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! Sometimes things are unpredictable. But you can always see a Daniel Horror loss coming. I think I'm a nice guy. I spread the hip! I'm for the people! So believe me when I say that Daniel Horror fucking sucks. I know, controversial opinion! I know his fan club will be out for my head soon, but it's the truth! He's been hyped up as this spooky killer man. Some motorcycle jock that you should be scared of! And maybe if this was the first time meeting him, I'd believe that. If this was his first match, maybe I would take him a little more seriously! He certainly knows how to make a brand. But you can only do so much without winning matches! Sure, I haven't done too much winning either...but I'm just built different. I'm an exception to the law! Horror is not, though. He's like...a guy who should be held strictly to the law. Why? He's not me. That's why. You can only say the same things over and over again so many times before people start laughing at you. I hate to say it, but Horror's already at that laughing stage. In a roster full of goated talent, he sticks out like a sore thumb, and not in a good way. I kind of feel bad for the man. He's had people hype up what he can do. He has a fan club that I may or may not have once been a part of! And then he loses and we go back to square one. It's a sad cycle! He wakes up in the morning and thinks that this could be the match to finally get his big break. He trains and works out and all that shit. Then he gets embarrassed in the ring and everyone laughs. Poor guy. And we already know that he can't do shit to me! I faced him back in Wrestleworld and I ended his career! Totally. Until he came back. It was a short retirement! A few minutes. BUT I ENDED IT AND I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!
And who else is in this thing? Daniel Horror is the only familiar face in this match, and he only counts as half an opponent. Let's see here...well Euan Hill is a person. He looks like he needs a shower, but I don't judge! I trust him to take one before the match. Maybe. We have a resemblance. We both "lost" in the first round of that tag tourney, but the difference is that everything was Petey's fault. Shame. But him and his partner lost clean! Ha. Losers. Imagine losing clean. Couldn't be me. But despite that little similarity, we couldn't be any different! He's another one of those religious cult dudes. Praise the father, I'm your god, all that shit. YAWN! I've seen all that shit before! I'm sure he thinks he's being all groundbreaking and innovating and all that, but it's really not. I've seen better. Seems like a watered down hardcore jesus or something. Is that a thing? I'm pretty sure it is. Euan makes me want to throw something at him and run away. But not in the scared way! I need to clear the area of children. You know how those religious folks are with the kids! And hip is for the children. No child manipulation on my watch, Euan! And...you know...other things we won't talk about. He seems like the type of guy to ask me to join his cult before chasing me around with a barbed wire cross or something. I don't know how anyone with a brain said yes to that! He clearly has followers or stalkers or something. Maybe he kidnapped them and drugged them! They could be under the influence of some cult drug or something. Don't worry. I'll save them after I take care of Euan! After I pin some poor soul, I'll set them free! I'm sure Euan will be busy with the hospital bills or something. He won't notice a few missing cult followers. They can convert to the church of hip! That’s right, if his cult followers that he may or may not have kidnapped and drugged leave him and come to me, I’ll make a whole new religion for them to follow! The church of hip! Euan can join too if he wants. But hopefully he doesn’t bring any of that grape juice. You know how those church guys are with the grape juice.
And after angry religion man, there's a slightly less angry asian guy! I don't know man, when I listen to him talk about himself, I start to fade out. I don't think you should take everything people in this place say as fact! BECAUSE I SMELL A WHOLE LOT OF CAP!!! I'm gonna call Alex Slayer the king of cap. You know why? He's proclaiming all this shit about being one in a million. About being the perfect mix of genetics, talent, blah blah blah. Basically saying that he's a star and that we should all look at him. You know how wrestlers are. All caught up with their egos and all that. But then he goes on to portray himself as some victim! We don't expect much of him because he's not that impressive in the first place! HE'S THE KING OF CAP FOR A REASON!!! Willing to do anything?!? Would you murder your family? I'd hope not. Would you cut off your own dick? Maybe but probably not. SO NOT A GUY WHO WILL DO ANYTHING!!! I'm sure a lot of people make claims like that. But they're lying too. But Alex is on a whole new level of cap! We're not done yet! A twisted determination, you say? I don't know, he looks like a teddy bear inside to me. Maybe Alex just needs a hug. I know a lot of people in PH do too. Maybe Sauce wants to volunteer. Eater of worlds? Jeez, the cap just gets more and more outrageous. There's a line between people laughing and people staring at you uncomfortably. And this whole world eater thing is getting to that point! Does this guy believe what he's calling himself? I mean, even I don't take myself that seriously! At this point he's pulling our legs. But don't worry, I'll knock his ego down a couple pegs. I don't know how he can call himself an eater of worlds after losing so many matches. Maybe I should start calling myself something like that. TJ Thompson, the absorber of goats. It has a nice ring to it. But anyways, I’m about to show Alex who he really is! None of that one in a million bullshit, he’s just like everyone else. Nothing wrong with that of course, and at least he’ll stop lying about his godliness or whatever. Don’t worry, always here to help!
Next, there’s Legion. For a chick with a million personalities, you’d think that there’d be ONE that was good at wrestling, right? Well I guess not, based on her record. What a shame. She has her own little group of advisors and friends in her head! They can help her with so many things, like what to wear to the ring, or what to have for lunch. You know, important shit like that! If I had advisors that are just variants of myself, I’d be even more goated than I already am! Think about it. 50 TJ’s chirping away in my head all the time. Sure it might be a little weird at the beginning...and maybe it’d be a little uncomfortable when I’m taking a shit...but I’m sure the positives will outweigh the negatives! Legion doesn’t know what she has! A whole panel of people in her head to help her out, but she’s still even shittier than people who only have themselves! Come on, she can’t even put on a decent showing in the ring! What a waste of talent. You know, maybe those little guys should make a move to my head. They would be of better use there! They’d probably help me more than they ever helped her. Look at me. I’m pretty great, right? Now imagine 50 of me in one body! That’s a world champion right there! Hell, that’s a tag team champion! I could win those belts two on one easily! Whie Legion is struggling to stay on the card. Shame!!! How the fuck did she even get a title shot, anyways? They hand this shit out like candy! Not that I’m complaining, of course. But she hasn’t done very much to make herself seem worthy of her employee benefits, not to mention a title shot! Sure, they gave it to a lot of other people who may or may not deserve it...but I guess that has to say more about the abundance of opportunities in this place. Maybe they could give a title shot to each of her different personalities! But don’t worry, she’s gonna get an ass kicking for each persona! Maybe they can line up all polite so I can be efficient about it. But that probably won’t happen. The nerve of some people! If she wins, they’re gonna need a lot more belts. Don’t worry, PH. I’ll win so you don’t have to make a million replicas for Legion. See? I’m great at saving you money, too!
And finally, there’s the champion Sarah Roberts. At some random Proving Ground, she beat the former champ Zane for the belt. I doubt Zane’s feeling too badly about that since she has a title opportunity with old Myo, but I’m sure it still stings a little. I’m sure a defence against five opponents also stings for Sarah! I wonder what she did to upper management to make them so mad at her?! Who throws a champ in a match like this on the first defense? They’re really trying to get the belt off her. Poor Sarah. They must really want the strap off her! But I’m not complaining about it since I’m one of those guys they want to take the belt off of her. And I plan to do just that! I’ve seen her type before. All that ground and pound cage match shit. And I have no idea how to counter it! I’ll be fine, though. I just won’t tap out! I’m just built different that way. Sure, she has all that training and all that, but I’m like that OP video game character that you hate to play against. I don’t tap out! Totally. You heard it here. This is like a new years resolution or something. No tapping out at UR! So what else is there about her? She’s from some indian reservation. Is that politically correct to say nowadays? Whatever. I’m saying it anyways! Hip has no boundaries. She’s had some tragic backstory. Nowadays everyone has a tragic backstory. Why are the lives of wrestlers so sad and depressing? It seems like we all came from some tragic past. Like it’s scripted or something! And I feel bad about adding another tragic event to her biography. Losing the belt is probably another one of those tragic events she's been through. My moral compass is stabbing me! But fuck morals. I can apologize for causing more trauma after I actually administer said trauma! Besides, I don't know how she won the thing in the first place with that stature. She's 5'5! What's she gonna do, kick my shins?!? Actually, that sounds kinda painful. Please don't kick my shins. But it's not like I'm getting pinned from a deadly shin kick, right? RIGHT?!? You know...I'm just gonna stay away from her…
And that's all! You know, five opponents sounds kinda intimidating, but this doesn't seem that bad! Everyone seems kinda bummy. But I'm sure that's what they're thinking of me, too! But I never said they were smart, either. Nothing compared to my million IQ. Or my natural goat tendencies. So take a good look at him. Your future Warrior Rising champion! The hipbeast! The centerpiece of the best tag team in the history of PH! With a super hot waist, too!
TJ: HIP NEWS NETWORK IS BACK!!! It’s like it never left! Or it’s the first time some people are seeing it or something! Let’s just say it’s like it never left. Where did the siren come from? Whatever that doesn’t matter. But you know what matters? The fact that the most trusted news source in the history of the world is here to inform you people. And will not spread crab propaganda. You can’t trust a crab. People say shit like you can’t trust the media! Or that the news is always trying to spread some slanderous narrative about someone who they don’t like. But in a world of news you can’t trust, Hip News Network provides a completely unbiased opinion! We’re here to deliver the facts and only the facts. And...maybe I’ll chip in once in a while. But I’m never wrong. You can trust what I say. Totally. Right? Right. Except when it comes to crabs. Hip News is biased towards crabs and proud of it. Moving on!
A graphic that looks like it was made in five minutes flashes onto the screen advertising Unbreakable Resolution.
TJ: Oh hell yeah, look at that work of art. I’m a graphical god! But there’s one problem...what the fuck does unbreakable resolution mean? A resolution...that can’t break? What the fuck does that even mean? What’s with wrestlers and weird names? Literally, EVERYTHING has a weird name. First name, last name, PPV name, you know what I mean. I need to hire a translator or something to decipher whatever the fuck an unbreakable resolution is. But that’s not the point here! We’ve got some stacked matches on this card! Matches that could change the complexion of PH! Or so I’m told. I don’t really know. Who do we have on this thing? We’ve got...angry cowboy man vs pale makeup guy! Last man standing, oh shit. And then there’s...the tag tourney finals. Boooooo. BOOOOOO. It should’ve been me. Let’s agree on that. What else is there...purge match? That sounds kinda familiar. I thought I saw this in a movie or something...nah couldn’t be. PH is known for its creativity and originality! Just look at that PPV name! But either way, that looks kinda neat. I don’t know why you would go to St. Elmo willingly, but you do you. Blah blah blah, tones in singles action, I don’t know what a legacy championship series is, barbed wire sounds bad for my health, more cages?
TJ picks up a picture of a goat.
TJ: Oh yeah, and there’s the Warrior Rising championship coronation. See that goat? It’s the future champ. You know...me. That’s right, I’m calling myself the goat again! Hip News never lies so you know it’s true. But I’ll probably talk a lot more about that match later because...you know...I’m in it. Shouldn’t be that hard, right?
TJ puts down the picture of the goat.
TJ: And that's not all! PH is expanding to two brands! With two rosters, they won't have to do all those random tag matches all the time. Or maybe they just like them, I don't know. Either way, the roster is splitting in half! Hopefully Big Drip doesn't get broken up. Fallout is gonna be all hardcore and shit like that. Woo violence! Why can't we all get along? I don't know. But as long as nobody slanders hip, we won't have a problem.
Another five minute graphic of a list of the PH roster flashes onto the screen.
TJ: I thought they were gonna split the roster with a butter knife or something. Maybe they could have a match between GMs for the first pick or something. But nah. Just a boring old draft! Booo. Where's the creativity? Everyone does a draft. Why do that when you can...uh...do something else? I don't really know. But not only is there a new brand, it comes with belts too! What type of belts, you ask? Well my vast knowledge only goes so far. There's...three of them? Maybe four, I don't know. But I know that they exist! That's what matters, right? All that other shit is extra. You don't need to know it.
A picture of the new championships drawn in MS Paint comes on the screen.
TJ: Wow, look at that work of art! I wonder who drew it. Whoever it is has a talent! These things look interesting. I don't really know what they're called or anything...but I'm sure they would look good around my waist. A lot of things look good around my waist. I have a very attractive waist.
The picture disappears and is replaced by a picture of an IG thot.
TJ: Wait...that wasn't supposed to be there. NEXT SLIDE, NEXT SLIDE!
The picture quickly changes to the SAUCY EBOY CHRONICLES album cover.
TJ: And our final story of the night is a plug for my boy Yung Sauce! He may have paid me half a pepperoni pizza for the advertising...but it's not like I have it away for free, right? But it's not just paid advertising! Take it from me, I never lie. THIS ALBUM IS SOME FUCKING HEAT!!! Buy it now or you're dead to me. This is the definition of culture. And right on time for the holidays! Buy it. We need money to repair the Hip House. Apparently a lot of things stain walls. A lot of fucking things. Who knew? Not me. AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY!!! Hip News! Your most reliable news source, signing off!
The HNN logo flashes across the screen once again before fading to black.
------------------------------------------
They gave me a title match? Wow, that didn't take very long...I mean...of course they gave me a title match! Anyone with eyes can see why I deserve to be the next Warrior Rising champion. So why not shoot me to the top right away?!? Obviously, I've shattered everyone's already high expectations with my overpowered greatness. And I was going easy on those hoes! Imagine what happens when I release 2% of my power. It should be enough to beat whoever is in this thing! Totally. Who else is in this thing? This seems like a weird match to throw at poor Sarah. It seems that she hasn't really been doing much. Hell, was she even showing up to the Proving Grounds? There wasn't even any blood feud. What's a title match without a good blood feud? If I wasn't in this thing, I would feel bad for the champ. A random defence against five thirsty hoes doesn't sound very fun. But I'm one of those thirsty hoes! So I don't. Whatever. I'm sure she doesn't need it. But I could use it! I'm sure it would help my career. And you know...it's kinda fun. The belt also suits my attractive waist! Like a lot of things. It's like...a really expensive waist ornament. I need it!
But I guess I should want it for other things too, right? Like...having a championship is this great honor, right? Yeah. I'm pretty sure. But I'm not like those clout chasers! No no no. I'm an ADVANCED clout chaser! That's right, when I'm around, no amount of clout is safe. That means when a title is available, everyone should just give up. Don’t bother trying to fight it! You’ll just hurt yourself. Physically and emotionally. I’ve made plenty of people cry! Sure, I’ve lost a few other title matches...but those don’t count. THEY DON’T COUNT!!! I was going easy on those suckers! Yeah. Let’s say that. I guess a boost to my resume would be cool too. But I don’t know what that Warrior Rising championship would add when compared to my achievements like...uh...world beer drinking champion...and...world record of most uses of the word hip! It just doesn’t compare. But I guess it’ll be a nice thing to put in my basement or something when I’m not adorning my waist with it. Defending it? I guess I’d have to do that too. They probably won’t let me just hold onto it no matter how much I beg which is a shame. But it’s not like I’m doing anything else, right? I guess I could gift PH some of my precious time and energy and turn this belt into a real championship to be proud of! Hip makes everything better. So obviously it'll turn the Warrior Rising championship into something people strive for! Who doesn't want a belt with the stamp of the goat across it? Probably not many people. I don't know.
But I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, aren't I? I guess it's a little rude to claim my victory before I actually win it. I'm sure everyone else is claiming their win, but I pride myself on being different! In a good way. Yeah. In a good way. I have four and a half opponents to go through before I claim the belt that they're keeping warm for me. The half being Daniel Horror, of course. Does he even count? I feel like they threw him in this thing because they couldn't bear to hold him off another PPV card. But either way, the man technically has a chance to win the belt! Will he? Probably not. But people say that shit about a lot of things. You never know! People said that I wouldn't win the tag tourney...and you know...ok, that was a bad example. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! Sometimes things are unpredictable. But you can always see a Daniel Horror loss coming. I think I'm a nice guy. I spread the hip! I'm for the people! So believe me when I say that Daniel Horror fucking sucks. I know, controversial opinion! I know his fan club will be out for my head soon, but it's the truth! He's been hyped up as this spooky killer man. Some motorcycle jock that you should be scared of! And maybe if this was the first time meeting him, I'd believe that. If this was his first match, maybe I would take him a little more seriously! He certainly knows how to make a brand. But you can only do so much without winning matches! Sure, I haven't done too much winning either...but I'm just built different. I'm an exception to the law! Horror is not, though. He's like...a guy who should be held strictly to the law. Why? He's not me. That's why. You can only say the same things over and over again so many times before people start laughing at you. I hate to say it, but Horror's already at that laughing stage. In a roster full of goated talent, he sticks out like a sore thumb, and not in a good way. I kind of feel bad for the man. He's had people hype up what he can do. He has a fan club that I may or may not have once been a part of! And then he loses and we go back to square one. It's a sad cycle! He wakes up in the morning and thinks that this could be the match to finally get his big break. He trains and works out and all that shit. Then he gets embarrassed in the ring and everyone laughs. Poor guy. And we already know that he can't do shit to me! I faced him back in Wrestleworld and I ended his career! Totally. Until he came back. It was a short retirement! A few minutes. BUT I ENDED IT AND I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!
And who else is in this thing? Daniel Horror is the only familiar face in this match, and he only counts as half an opponent. Let's see here...well Euan Hill is a person. He looks like he needs a shower, but I don't judge! I trust him to take one before the match. Maybe. We have a resemblance. We both "lost" in the first round of that tag tourney, but the difference is that everything was Petey's fault. Shame. But him and his partner lost clean! Ha. Losers. Imagine losing clean. Couldn't be me. But despite that little similarity, we couldn't be any different! He's another one of those religious cult dudes. Praise the father, I'm your god, all that shit. YAWN! I've seen all that shit before! I'm sure he thinks he's being all groundbreaking and innovating and all that, but it's really not. I've seen better. Seems like a watered down hardcore jesus or something. Is that a thing? I'm pretty sure it is. Euan makes me want to throw something at him and run away. But not in the scared way! I need to clear the area of children. You know how those religious folks are with the kids! And hip is for the children. No child manipulation on my watch, Euan! And...you know...other things we won't talk about. He seems like the type of guy to ask me to join his cult before chasing me around with a barbed wire cross or something. I don't know how anyone with a brain said yes to that! He clearly has followers or stalkers or something. Maybe he kidnapped them and drugged them! They could be under the influence of some cult drug or something. Don't worry. I'll save them after I take care of Euan! After I pin some poor soul, I'll set them free! I'm sure Euan will be busy with the hospital bills or something. He won't notice a few missing cult followers. They can convert to the church of hip! That’s right, if his cult followers that he may or may not have kidnapped and drugged leave him and come to me, I’ll make a whole new religion for them to follow! The church of hip! Euan can join too if he wants. But hopefully he doesn’t bring any of that grape juice. You know how those church guys are with the grape juice.
And after angry religion man, there's a slightly less angry asian guy! I don't know man, when I listen to him talk about himself, I start to fade out. I don't think you should take everything people in this place say as fact! BECAUSE I SMELL A WHOLE LOT OF CAP!!! I'm gonna call Alex Slayer the king of cap. You know why? He's proclaiming all this shit about being one in a million. About being the perfect mix of genetics, talent, blah blah blah. Basically saying that he's a star and that we should all look at him. You know how wrestlers are. All caught up with their egos and all that. But then he goes on to portray himself as some victim! We don't expect much of him because he's not that impressive in the first place! HE'S THE KING OF CAP FOR A REASON!!! Willing to do anything?!? Would you murder your family? I'd hope not. Would you cut off your own dick? Maybe but probably not. SO NOT A GUY WHO WILL DO ANYTHING!!! I'm sure a lot of people make claims like that. But they're lying too. But Alex is on a whole new level of cap! We're not done yet! A twisted determination, you say? I don't know, he looks like a teddy bear inside to me. Maybe Alex just needs a hug. I know a lot of people in PH do too. Maybe Sauce wants to volunteer. Eater of worlds? Jeez, the cap just gets more and more outrageous. There's a line between people laughing and people staring at you uncomfortably. And this whole world eater thing is getting to that point! Does this guy believe what he's calling himself? I mean, even I don't take myself that seriously! At this point he's pulling our legs. But don't worry, I'll knock his ego down a couple pegs. I don't know how he can call himself an eater of worlds after losing so many matches. Maybe I should start calling myself something like that. TJ Thompson, the absorber of goats. It has a nice ring to it. But anyways, I’m about to show Alex who he really is! None of that one in a million bullshit, he’s just like everyone else. Nothing wrong with that of course, and at least he’ll stop lying about his godliness or whatever. Don’t worry, always here to help!
Next, there’s Legion. For a chick with a million personalities, you’d think that there’d be ONE that was good at wrestling, right? Well I guess not, based on her record. What a shame. She has her own little group of advisors and friends in her head! They can help her with so many things, like what to wear to the ring, or what to have for lunch. You know, important shit like that! If I had advisors that are just variants of myself, I’d be even more goated than I already am! Think about it. 50 TJ’s chirping away in my head all the time. Sure it might be a little weird at the beginning...and maybe it’d be a little uncomfortable when I’m taking a shit...but I’m sure the positives will outweigh the negatives! Legion doesn’t know what she has! A whole panel of people in her head to help her out, but she’s still even shittier than people who only have themselves! Come on, she can’t even put on a decent showing in the ring! What a waste of talent. You know, maybe those little guys should make a move to my head. They would be of better use there! They’d probably help me more than they ever helped her. Look at me. I’m pretty great, right? Now imagine 50 of me in one body! That’s a world champion right there! Hell, that’s a tag team champion! I could win those belts two on one easily! Whie Legion is struggling to stay on the card. Shame!!! How the fuck did she even get a title shot, anyways? They hand this shit out like candy! Not that I’m complaining, of course. But she hasn’t done very much to make herself seem worthy of her employee benefits, not to mention a title shot! Sure, they gave it to a lot of other people who may or may not deserve it...but I guess that has to say more about the abundance of opportunities in this place. Maybe they could give a title shot to each of her different personalities! But don’t worry, she’s gonna get an ass kicking for each persona! Maybe they can line up all polite so I can be efficient about it. But that probably won’t happen. The nerve of some people! If she wins, they’re gonna need a lot more belts. Don’t worry, PH. I’ll win so you don’t have to make a million replicas for Legion. See? I’m great at saving you money, too!
And finally, there’s the champion Sarah Roberts. At some random Proving Ground, she beat the former champ Zane for the belt. I doubt Zane’s feeling too badly about that since she has a title opportunity with old Myo, but I’m sure it still stings a little. I’m sure a defence against five opponents also stings for Sarah! I wonder what she did to upper management to make them so mad at her?! Who throws a champ in a match like this on the first defense? They’re really trying to get the belt off her. Poor Sarah. They must really want the strap off her! But I’m not complaining about it since I’m one of those guys they want to take the belt off of her. And I plan to do just that! I’ve seen her type before. All that ground and pound cage match shit. And I have no idea how to counter it! I’ll be fine, though. I just won’t tap out! I’m just built different that way. Sure, she has all that training and all that, but I’m like that OP video game character that you hate to play against. I don’t tap out! Totally. You heard it here. This is like a new years resolution or something. No tapping out at UR! So what else is there about her? She’s from some indian reservation. Is that politically correct to say nowadays? Whatever. I’m saying it anyways! Hip has no boundaries. She’s had some tragic backstory. Nowadays everyone has a tragic backstory. Why are the lives of wrestlers so sad and depressing? It seems like we all came from some tragic past. Like it’s scripted or something! And I feel bad about adding another tragic event to her biography. Losing the belt is probably another one of those tragic events she's been through. My moral compass is stabbing me! But fuck morals. I can apologize for causing more trauma after I actually administer said trauma! Besides, I don't know how she won the thing in the first place with that stature. She's 5'5! What's she gonna do, kick my shins?!? Actually, that sounds kinda painful. Please don't kick my shins. But it's not like I'm getting pinned from a deadly shin kick, right? RIGHT?!? You know...I'm just gonna stay away from her…
And that's all! You know, five opponents sounds kinda intimidating, but this doesn't seem that bad! Everyone seems kinda bummy. But I'm sure that's what they're thinking of me, too! But I never said they were smart, either. Nothing compared to my million IQ. Or my natural goat tendencies. So take a good look at him. Your future Warrior Rising champion! The hipbeast! The centerpiece of the best tag team in the history of PH! With a super hot waist, too!