Post by levy on Dec 22, 2021 16:29:52 GMT -5
#CancelLevy
A disclaimer fills the screen, white text on a dark background.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions, beliefs and statements of Johnny Levy are not shared by anyone involved in the production of this promo.
His handler cannot be held personally responsible, due to the transitory and illusory nature of the written word in an RP-only setting.
Anyone who is easily upset should go read something less offensive; perhaps the latest episode of Fallout.
#BabyFace #HeelWithIt #Uncancellable
Then, the text dissolves away, and we are left with…
A black screen. A deep voice; the one from all the trailers, even though that guy is probably long-dead. I mean, he’s got to be by now, right?
“Do you like dramatic moments, consistent characterization, and intelligent, well-written dialogue?”
The music swells; sounding like the generic epic orchestra in every mediocre Hollywood release of the past 10 years.
The Marvel Studios intro screen with the stupid comic book page effect inside the letters - you know the one - appears.
“WELL TOO BAD, STUUUUUPID! If you want a serious film that respects the intelligence of its audience, go watch something directed by Zack Snyder; because THIS is another pointless, meandering comedy aimed at 30 year old children and neckbeards!”
The trailer unfolds with Spider-Man swinging around, interacting with a bunch of characters who do not match the source material, and cracking dumb ass jokes in the middle of situations that really should be handled with a bit of respect, tension and seriousness.
“That’s right folks, it’s another dumb as hell Marvel movie with zero tension, zero stakes, and a billion stupid, childish quips an hour - even from characters who never crack jokes in the comic books! What even is ‘integrity of characterization’? We’ve never heard of it!”
Peter Parker is crouched over the dying body of his Uncle Ben; the very event that changed his life and set him on the path of becoming a superhero. An emotional moment, as the music swells to match the falling rain.
Peter looks directly into the camera - tears streaming down his cheeks - before pulling a goofy face that completely destroys the impact of the moment.
“SHEEEEEEEESH!”
An overdubbed laugh track cuts through the music, as Peter shrugs his shoulders and begins to walk away, whistling without a care in the world.
The trailer’s next scene is one of utter chaos; NYC being invaded by murderous CGI aliens of questionable visual quality. As citizens die and buildings collapse, Tony Stark stands observing the carnage with Spider-Man, both of them eating vanilla ice cream cones during what should really be a dramatic scene full of gravitas.
“I wouldn’t worry about it, Peter. They’ll probably get resurrected by some kind of magic bullshit in the next sequel, just like every other stupid movie this ridiculous company has released.”
“Yep. Good ice cream, too.”
“Damn right. Now let’s go for some shawarma before the city is reduced to rubble.”
They stroll away in search of Lebanese food, while people scream in terror and agony as the release date of this stupid film appears on the screen.
“Spider-Man 6: No Stakes All Jokes, coming soon to a theatre near you!”
“Consume product and then get excited for next product!”
---------------------------------------------------
The trailer ends, and the scene cuts away to Johnny Levy standing in front of a table. The entire surface seems to be covered in money, piled up from corner to corner on the table.
He is holding a wrapped bundle of $100 bills pressed closely to his face, inhaling deeply before a maniacal laugh rips its way out of his mouth.
“Hahahahahahaaaaa! Can you believe how much those rubes paid me to shill their idiotic movie? Easiest payday of my life, other than that one ‘Jackass’ cameo!”
However, Ms. Buzzkillington - his agent, Quinlan Kennedy - soon ruins his good time by addressing him from off-screen. He doesn’t exactly give her his full attention, only glancing in her direction but still distractedly flipping through bills with one thumb.
“Johnny, we NEED to talk. You just wasted nearly 500 words trying to dunk on Marvel. First of all, you’ve GOT to let this go; people like those films, no matter how you feel about them.”
“I refuse. They suck, are stupid, and also suck again. Next point?”
“Secondly, you’ve got a hard cap of 2500 words for this promo; you shouldn’t be wasting valuable space on stuff that isn’t even remotely related to your actual match!”
“Oh right, about that: what was my motivation again?”
“…motivation? It’s a wrestling match, Johnny.”
“Sure, but… look at Fallout: they have overarching plot lines and drama and all kinds of hot fire on their show! You’re telling me I’m supposed to fight without any backstory? What do I even say about the match, then? ‘I’m going to win because I am better’?”
“You’re right, that does sound sort o-“
He cuts her off, clearly uninterested in the opinion of his much smarter and more capable manager.
“And another thing, all the fine women are over on the other brand! Have you SEEN the ass on that drug-addicted swamp girl? WHEW LAD, SHE THIIIIIIIIIIIIII-”
“…”
“-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-“
“…”
“-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!”
“…you done, Joh-“
“FINER THAN A GLASS OF ICED TEA ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!”
“…moving o-“
“THAT GIRL REALLY GETS THE OL’ ENGINE IDLING, I TELL YOU WHAT.”
“…seriou-“
“I’D REALLY LIKE TO DIVE INTO THAT SINKHOLE, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.”
“…goddamnit, Johnny.”
“I’m done.”
“As I was saying, w-…”
“I MEAN, GODDAMN, I WOULDN’T MIND HER PUTTING ME IN A CHOKEHOLD, KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?”
“…”
"What? Just saying."
Quinlan just stands in stunned silence, as Levy takes a moment to dab some sweat off his forehead with a silk handkerchief. He accepts a glass of water from an assistant offscreen, taking a long, thirst-quenching sip before passing it back.
“Anyway, have we tried contacting the General Manager…? The bald dude who simps over one of his female employees; what’s his name, Antoine Holt? Any chance we can negotiate a trade?”
“Well, we can probably get you moved over if you want, but you do realize it’s not exactly safe. I mean, on Proving Grounds the worst you’ve got to worry about is slipping on a banana peel or something goofy and harmless. They’re quite literally stabbing people on Fallout. Regularly.”
“Hmmm. Tell you what, let’s stay where we’re at for now, and I’ll think about making the switch over a spot of lunch. Y’all hungry?”
“Johnny, we’re running out of space on this promo and you haven’t even started the shoot yet.”
“Of course I haven’t; I’m part of the Hollywood anti-gun lobby, after all! What a silly comment! Someone get me a menu!”
---------------------------------------------------
A brief black screen, before the scene resumes.
With a gold-plated iPhone XXV (available to the public in 2034) in one hand and a paper menu in the other, Johnny seems to ignore the camera entirely as he seems entirely engrossed in the process of ordering some food.
“Yeah, I’ll have uhhhhh…” says Levy, trailing off as he begins to scan the menu up and down, running an index finger over the paper as he squints.
“They don’t have matzah ball soup? What kind of shady, second-rate restaurant is? Oh, it’s Chinese? Right, that makes sense, you don’t sound very Jewish.”
“Hmm. Can my people even eat squid? One second, I need to call my Rabbi. Just hold on the line for a few minutes.”
Placing the Chinese restaurant on hold, he pulls up his spiritual advisor in the contacts before dialing the number. Holding the phone to his ear, there’s a moment’s wait before someone picks up on the other end.
“Shalom Rabbi, how’s it hanging?”
“...uh huh.”
“...yes.”
“...the cheque for my donation bounced, you say…?”
“Sheeeeeeesh. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I can call my bank and see if there’s a hold on my account if you’d like?”
“...I should? Yeah, that sounds fine. Oh, one question, can we eat squid? As a people?”
“‘Why wouldn’t we be able to?’”
“Uhhh, I don’t know, you’re the expert here!”
“Okay, good to know. I’ll be sure to get those funds cleared. “
“Yes, of course, you too.”
He hangs up that call, then switches lines to complete his delivery order with the Chinese restaurant.
“Okay, you ready? I’ll take an order of the deep fried squid with spicy salt, some ginger beef, honey garlic chicken and…”
He trails off, as though he just noticed something troubling on the menu.
“Hey, wait a minute…”
Squinting hard as he leans in towards the paper, he looks rather confused by the text near the top of the menu.
“Huh. You know, I just noticed the menu says ‘Hung’s Garden VEGAN Chinese Food’, what’s the deal with that?”
“...so wait. This isn’t real meat?”
“...who buys this shit? You’re kidding me, right?”
“SOY-BASED CHICKEN?!?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! DON’T YOU KNOW THE GOVERNMENT IS ALREADY PUTTING ENOUGH ESTROGEN IN THE WATER?!?!”
“No, no, no, I didn’t mean ‘you people’ like THAT, I meant ‘you people’ as in ‘vegans’.”
“... hey now, there’s no need to get upset. I’ll have you know I'm a long time supporter of the Chinese government! I mean, I was even an honored guest in the Democratic Republic of North Korea a few years ago! Kim Jong-Un is my boy; I’m totally cool with communism!”
“...oh, you’re from Taiwan? Well, that’s a part of China, right?”
Angry screaming is audible from the other end of the call.
“It’s not? Because I’m preeeetty sure the People’s Republic would disagree…”
“Okay, okay, calm down, please. I’ll have you know I’m very wealthy and I really don’t nee-…”
“...”
Johnny places the phone back into his pocket and stares at the camera for a moment, with a mildly embarrassed grin on his face.
“Must have lost reception. I’m sure they’ll call back to confirm the order.”
He hands the menu to someone offscreen, before his agent speaks again.
“Johnny, we’re almost out of time, or space, or words; we’re going to have to wrap this up soon.”
Eyes widening, Levy looks startled by this news; how is he almost at word limit without saying anything of actual relevance or meaning? This can’t be right!
“Can’t we edit all that earlier nonsense out?”
“Normally yes, but we had to put the editing team on part-time hours due to budget issues; and this promo is due tonight. Deadlines.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to put this together. If you’ll recall, I tried to get you to film this earlier in the cycle bu-…”
“Cycle? This one of those women’s health things?”
“…no, Johnny. As I was saying, I told you to start this promo when the card was first released and you said - and I quote - ‘L M A O, that’s tryhard shit’.”
Shaking his head in frustration, Johnny turns back to the camera with a renewed focus in his eyes… but before he can go off on his shoot, he’s interrupted by a notification DING from off-screen.
“Johnny, we just got an e-mail from our social media manager; the comments you made about Taiwan have gone viral, seems you’re being cancelled on Twitter as we speak. Again.”
“Cancelled? I don’t recall buying any services from them…”
“...how do you not know what that means? This isn’t even the first time. You see, Twitter is full of people who don’t really have anything else going on in their lives. Sad men living in their mothers’ basements and childless, 40-something cat ladies who can only feel joy by destroying the lives of others, to make up for the dissatisfaction and existential terror they feel during every waking hour.”
“Wow, that sounds pathetic, depressing and - honestly - pretty dang cringe.”
“It is. Sadly, society seems to have decided to accommodate the .005% of the overall population who complain about this stuff online, and usually don’t even have jobs to purchase any products anyway.”
Levy snaps his fingers, as if remembering something important that seems to be forgotten in current year.
“Wait a minute, what about freedom of speech?”
“That’s not freedom from consequences. Which the talking point they seem to have settled on using in order to attack constitutional rights.”
“But wait, strictly speaking freedom of speech SHOULD MEAN freedom from consequences; if your life can be destroyed by a small group of fanatics over something you’ve said, then that’s not freedom at all! That’s like having a gun to your head 24/7, 365! That’s the hecking goshdarned death of Liberty!”
“Sorry, Johnny, apparently people have decided that not offending anyone is more important than the very principles this country was founded on.”
In response, Johnny simply looks into the camera with a stern, serious expression. He doesn’t even shake his head in disbelief, just staring into the lens as the camera slooooowly zooms in on his face.
It quickly pulls back to its original position as Quinlan carries on,
“Anyway, our last remaining sponsors have pulled their advertisements from LevyTV. We’ll have to shut down the station; that includes the promo we’re filming right now. You’ve got about 5 minutes before the financiers come to repossess all the equipment, but you’ll probably hit word cap before then.”
“...Get Xi on the phone, see if we can get some of that sweet CCP endorsement money. I mean, that’s what Disney does these days right?”
“…I’ll call him.”
A pause, before Quinlan’s voice soon comes back from out of frame. This time, she speaks in flawless Mandarin as she begins to stroll away so her client can finish up his promo.
As if finally realizing he’s on the clock here, with both time and available words rapidly dwindling into nothingness, Johnny Levy stares hard into the camera. Pointing at the screen, he begins to shout; shaking from the intensity of his effort as he begins to shoot on his two upcoming opponents.
So intense, in fact, that his eyes begin to spark and glow with what appears to be lightning. This is totally real and not poorly done CGI.
“JACK ‘CASANOVA’ NAPIER, VILLAIN OF GOTHAM!!!”
“ARCHIBALD ‘ARCHIE’ ANDREWS, SCOURGE OF RIVERDALE!!!
“YOUR TIME ON THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE GROWS SHORT, FOR YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE FULL, UNBRIDLED, DASHINGLY HANDSOME WRATH OF THE KOSHER DEMIGOD JOHNNY “SUPERSTAR” LEV-“
There’s a sudden banging noise from off-screen, the financial backers of LevyTV following through on their threat to pull all funding. Sounds like their people are here to shut this whole operation down…
…with just enough time (and words) left to roll credits!
He cuts her off, clearly uninterested in the opinion of his much smarter and more capable manager.
“And another thing, all the fine women are over on the other brand! Have you SEEN the ass on that drug-addicted swamp girl? WHEW LAD, SHE THIIIIIIIIIIIIII-”
“…”
“-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-“
“…”
“-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!”
“…you done, Joh-“
“FINER THAN A GLASS OF ICED TEA ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!”
“…moving o-“
“THAT GIRL REALLY GETS THE OL’ ENGINE IDLING, I TELL YOU WHAT.”
“…seriou-“
“I’D REALLY LIKE TO DIVE INTO THAT SINKHOLE, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.”
“…goddamnit, Johnny.”
“I’m done.”
“As I was saying, w-…”
“I MEAN, GODDAMN, I WOULDN’T MIND HER PUTTING ME IN A CHOKEHOLD, KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?”
“…”
"What? Just saying."
Quinlan just stands in stunned silence, as Levy takes a moment to dab some sweat off his forehead with a silk handkerchief. He accepts a glass of water from an assistant offscreen, taking a long, thirst-quenching sip before passing it back.
“Anyway, have we tried contacting the General Manager…? The bald dude who simps over one of his female employees; what’s his name, Antoine Holt? Any chance we can negotiate a trade?”
“Well, we can probably get you moved over if you want, but you do realize it’s not exactly safe. I mean, on Proving Grounds the worst you’ve got to worry about is slipping on a banana peel or something goofy and harmless. They’re quite literally stabbing people on Fallout. Regularly.”
“Hmmm. Tell you what, let’s stay where we’re at for now, and I’ll think about making the switch over a spot of lunch. Y’all hungry?”
“Johnny, we’re running out of space on this promo and you haven’t even started the shoot yet.”
“Of course I haven’t; I’m part of the Hollywood anti-gun lobby, after all! What a silly comment! Someone get me a menu!”
---------------------------------------------------
A brief black screen, before the scene resumes.
With a gold-plated iPhone XXV (available to the public in 2034) in one hand and a paper menu in the other, Johnny seems to ignore the camera entirely as he seems entirely engrossed in the process of ordering some food.
“Yeah, I’ll have uhhhhh…” says Levy, trailing off as he begins to scan the menu up and down, running an index finger over the paper as he squints.
“They don’t have matzah ball soup? What kind of shady, second-rate restaurant is? Oh, it’s Chinese? Right, that makes sense, you don’t sound very Jewish.”
“Hmm. Can my people even eat squid? One second, I need to call my Rabbi. Just hold on the line for a few minutes.”
Placing the Chinese restaurant on hold, he pulls up his spiritual advisor in the contacts before dialing the number. Holding the phone to his ear, there’s a moment’s wait before someone picks up on the other end.
“Shalom Rabbi, how’s it hanging?”
“...uh huh.”
“...yes.”
“...the cheque for my donation bounced, you say…?”
“Sheeeeeeesh. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I can call my bank and see if there’s a hold on my account if you’d like?”
“...I should? Yeah, that sounds fine. Oh, one question, can we eat squid? As a people?”
“‘Why wouldn’t we be able to?’”
“Uhhh, I don’t know, you’re the expert here!”
“Okay, good to know. I’ll be sure to get those funds cleared. “
“Yes, of course, you too.”
He hangs up that call, then switches lines to complete his delivery order with the Chinese restaurant.
“Okay, you ready? I’ll take an order of the deep fried squid with spicy salt, some ginger beef, honey garlic chicken and…”
He trails off, as though he just noticed something troubling on the menu.
“Hey, wait a minute…”
Squinting hard as he leans in towards the paper, he looks rather confused by the text near the top of the menu.
“Huh. You know, I just noticed the menu says ‘Hung’s Garden VEGAN Chinese Food’, what’s the deal with that?”
“...so wait. This isn’t real meat?”
“...who buys this shit? You’re kidding me, right?”
“SOY-BASED CHICKEN?!?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! DON’T YOU KNOW THE GOVERNMENT IS ALREADY PUTTING ENOUGH ESTROGEN IN THE WATER?!?!”
“No, no, no, I didn’t mean ‘you people’ like THAT, I meant ‘you people’ as in ‘vegans’.”
“... hey now, there’s no need to get upset. I’ll have you know I'm a long time supporter of the Chinese government! I mean, I was even an honored guest in the Democratic Republic of North Korea a few years ago! Kim Jong-Un is my boy; I’m totally cool with communism!”
“...oh, you’re from Taiwan? Well, that’s a part of China, right?”
Angry screaming is audible from the other end of the call.
“It’s not? Because I’m preeeetty sure the People’s Republic would disagree…”
“Okay, okay, calm down, please. I’ll have you know I’m very wealthy and I really don’t nee-…”
“...”
Johnny places the phone back into his pocket and stares at the camera for a moment, with a mildly embarrassed grin on his face.
“Must have lost reception. I’m sure they’ll call back to confirm the order.”
He hands the menu to someone offscreen, before his agent speaks again.
“Johnny, we’re almost out of time, or space, or words; we’re going to have to wrap this up soon.”
Eyes widening, Levy looks startled by this news; how is he almost at word limit without saying anything of actual relevance or meaning? This can’t be right!
“Can’t we edit all that earlier nonsense out?”
“Normally yes, but we had to put the editing team on part-time hours due to budget issues; and this promo is due tonight. Deadlines.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to put this together. If you’ll recall, I tried to get you to film this earlier in the cycle bu-…”
“Cycle? This one of those women’s health things?”
“…no, Johnny. As I was saying, I told you to start this promo when the card was first released and you said - and I quote - ‘L M A O, that’s tryhard shit’.”
Shaking his head in frustration, Johnny turns back to the camera with a renewed focus in his eyes… but before he can go off on his shoot, he’s interrupted by a notification DING from off-screen.
“Johnny, we just got an e-mail from our social media manager; the comments you made about Taiwan have gone viral, seems you’re being cancelled on Twitter as we speak. Again.”
“Cancelled? I don’t recall buying any services from them…”
“...how do you not know what that means? This isn’t even the first time. You see, Twitter is full of people who don’t really have anything else going on in their lives. Sad men living in their mothers’ basements and childless, 40-something cat ladies who can only feel joy by destroying the lives of others, to make up for the dissatisfaction and existential terror they feel during every waking hour.”
“Wow, that sounds pathetic, depressing and - honestly - pretty dang cringe.”
“It is. Sadly, society seems to have decided to accommodate the .005% of the overall population who complain about this stuff online, and usually don’t even have jobs to purchase any products anyway.”
Levy snaps his fingers, as if remembering something important that seems to be forgotten in current year.
“Wait a minute, what about freedom of speech?”
“That’s not freedom from consequences. Which the talking point they seem to have settled on using in order to attack constitutional rights.”
“But wait, strictly speaking freedom of speech SHOULD MEAN freedom from consequences; if your life can be destroyed by a small group of fanatics over something you’ve said, then that’s not freedom at all! That’s like having a gun to your head 24/7, 365! That’s the hecking goshdarned death of Liberty!”
“Sorry, Johnny, apparently people have decided that not offending anyone is more important than the very principles this country was founded on.”
In response, Johnny simply looks into the camera with a stern, serious expression. He doesn’t even shake his head in disbelief, just staring into the lens as the camera slooooowly zooms in on his face.
It quickly pulls back to its original position as Quinlan carries on,
“Anyway, our last remaining sponsors have pulled their advertisements from LevyTV. We’ll have to shut down the station; that includes the promo we’re filming right now. You’ve got about 5 minutes before the financiers come to repossess all the equipment, but you’ll probably hit word cap before then.”
“...Get Xi on the phone, see if we can get some of that sweet CCP endorsement money. I mean, that’s what Disney does these days right?”
“…I’ll call him.”
A pause, before Quinlan’s voice soon comes back from out of frame. This time, she speaks in flawless Mandarin as she begins to stroll away so her client can finish up his promo.
As if finally realizing he’s on the clock here, with both time and available words rapidly dwindling into nothingness, Johnny Levy stares hard into the camera. Pointing at the screen, he begins to shout; shaking from the intensity of his effort as he begins to shoot on his two upcoming opponents.
So intense, in fact, that his eyes begin to spark and glow with what appears to be lightning. This is totally real and not poorly done CGI.
“JACK ‘CASANOVA’ NAPIER, VILLAIN OF GOTHAM!!!”
“ARCHIBALD ‘ARCHIE’ ANDREWS, SCOURGE OF RIVERDALE!!!
“YOUR TIME ON THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE GROWS SHORT, FOR YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE FULL, UNBRIDLED, DASHINGLY HANDSOME WRATH OF THE KOSHER DEMIGOD JOHNNY “SUPERSTAR” LEV-“
There’s a sudden banging noise from off-screen, the financial backers of LevyTV following through on their threat to pull all funding. Sounds like their people are here to shut this whole operation down…
…with just enough time (and words) left to roll credits!
A JOHNNY LEVY PRODUCTION
DIRECTED BY
JOHNNY LEVY
CINEMATOGRAPHY BY
JOHNNY LEVY
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
JOHNNY LEVY
WRITTEN & EDITED BY
JOHNNY LEVY
STARRING
JOHNNY LEVY
TRADEMARKS AND COPYRIGHTS HELD BY
JOHNNY LEVY