The Promised Land Playhouse: Episode One

As The Promised Land Playhouse intro fades away, we follow through the door of the brightly lit cartoon house that seems to be bouncing around in excitement for some friendly visitors to come on inside and play. An interesting note is that the door doesn't seem to feature any kind of locking mechanism. It's always open.

There's a brief cut where we find ourselves on The Promised Land Playhouse set and it looks like a set. But it also looks real. It's a crazy combination of bright colors, inanimate objects with faces on them, and a bunch of just, well, happiness. If there was ever a location for a children's show, this would definitely be it.

Except, well, a closer look at some of the things in The Promised Land Playhouse may show that there's something a bit darker hidden beneath the happy surface. Some of the framed pictures on the wall show terrifying things like bodies on fire (the fire looks like it's actually still burning) or a random man hanging by his neck from a noose. The camera doesn't stay on any of these things too long but just long enough for those with an eagle eye to notice.

There are two pictures that we do seem to linger on, though, for just a few seconds.

The first one is of a wild haired woman that looks an awful lot like Billy Bennett but there's no way that it could possibly be her considering that Mr. Wright has never even met that woman. Either way, it looks like she's standing on a stage that's been designed to look like the Everglades. And she's kind of just sprawled lazily on the Everglade Stage with strings hanging all over her body, slack and loose, as if they were just waiting to be attached to something. Like a marionette.

We cut away from that picture at the exact moment it looks like the puppeteer-less marionette is about to ask for help. The eyes of that picture look way too real.

Weird. Also creepy.

The second picture we get to spend some time on seems to be a lot less creepy but somehow higher on the ominous scale. It's a framed picture of what looks to be a cemetery... only there's a single grave. The frame itself looks cartoonish but there seems to be actual dirt handprints on the sides of it. Inside the picture itself, again, it looks way too real to actually be real but everything's kind of 'off' here in The Promised Land Playhouse. The centered gravestone simply reads: 'My Cough, Man' and that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Not even any dates. However, it seems that the longer the camera stays on the picture the more the darkness in the background of this picture seems to slowly illuminate. This is likely due to the way pairs of eyes are opening all over the night sky of the picture.

Weird. Also creepy.

This is about the same moment that the door to The Promised Land Playhouse finally opens with a slide whistle sound effect. The happiness of the door opening is compounded by the chorus of children cheering! That's right, the voices of dozens of children cheer with glee as the husky frame of MR. WRIGHT steps through the now open doorway with the biggest smile on his face!

The big man is rocking some very comfortable khaki pants and a pair of brown shoes. His tattoos and such are mostly covered by the long sleeved sweater he's wearing over another collared shirt that's beneath. The red and green sweater seems to be the most important thing right now, though, as the design around it seems to be of random humans hanging from mistletoe nooses. Ugly Sweater, much?

Mr. Wright raises a hand to wave at the camera and the children but cuts himself off when blood flings from that open palm. It's definitely not his blood because there doesn't seem to be any cuts or bruises on his hand from that brief moment that he showed it to the camera. Instead of faltering, his grin grows even wider as he wipes the blood off on the outside of the door while turning his back to the camera to close it.

When Mr. Wright finally spins back around to finally greet everyone, he looks as ecstatic as he possibly can.


Mr. Wright offers yet another attempt at a wave. This time, there's no dripping blood-- just the streaks from where he cleaned his hand on the door. A glance behind him will even show that there's some lingering blood streaks on the door as well. But it's hard not to focus on the man himself in all of his happy-go-charming glory.

Mr. Wright throws his arms out nice and wide in a manner quite similar to air-hugging the entire audience watching at home. Don't you feel the love?


Mr. Wright motions towards the entire interior of this place to show off all the goodies for a moment.


Mr. Wright wags a finger at the camera.


Mr. Wright gets a look of dumbfounded realization on his face. He even brings a hand up to smack himself in the forehead which elicits a BONKing sound effect.


Mr. Wright pauses to give the children at home a chance to scream at the screen along with the Children's Chorus that inhabits this fantasy land.


Mr. Wright grins proudly and clasps his hands together/


More cheering from the Children's Chorus as Mr. Wright dives through time and space to an entirely different location in The Promised Land Playhouse. It kind of just looks like a transition wipe effect across the screen coupled with a quick flashing of lights before we're all transported to the Meet Me Circle.

The Meet Me Circle seems to be a lot like a Battle Rap location because there are puppets and objects with faces all around. There's some backtrack playing of 'crowd sound effects' that seem to be quite focused on whispering sweet subliminal nothings into the ears of the children watching at home but it's also just random Meet Me Circle chatter. Isn't it?

Suddenly! Mr. Wright pops up from below in the center of the Meet Me Circle and is surrounded by all of his friends. He's wearing a pair of purple sunglasses and a big fake gold chain around his neck that says: 'M.C. WRIGHT' on it. When he lifts up his plastic toy microphone up to his face, a shot of his finger-rings can be seen. They read: KILL 'EM. Surely, that just means the rhymes.

Right?

Anyway, some horrible remix of The Promised Land Playhouse theme scratches on in the background and, yes this is about to happen, M.C. Wright starts rappin'.


Mr. Wright drops a very horrible rap pose for the camera to zoom in on before another one of those transition wipes of flashing lights takes us back to the main part of The Promised Land Playhouse.

Mr. Wright comes stumbling in from the side, back in his normal attire and no longer a Dopey Rapper and just kind of smiles at all of us watching at home.


A sudden loud banging sound takes over the sound design for a moment and Mr. Wright gasps! He looks up at the wall behind him where a clock with a face and arms is banging on a portable gong.



Mr. Doomsday Clock finally stops banging on the gong since he's finally being paid attention to.


The Children's Chorus cheers as Mr. Wright wiggles excitedly for this. He claps his hands and pretends to dive into the next room with yet another shaky cam transition into the next segment.

Mr. Wright crashes through the invisible wall, stumbling with happy sound effects bipping and bopping around his movements. He straightens himself back up and looks right back at the camera.


Mr. Wright motions for the camera to follow him over to the wall where a human head has been mounted on the wall. Mr. Wright leans on the (bar) counter top beneath the stuffed head on the wall.


Terry Taxidermy doesn't say anything. He can't.


Mr. Wright winks at the camera. WOMP WOMP sounds.


Mr. Wright reaches up to pry open the mouth of Terry Taxidermy. He reaches inside to rip out Terry's tongue and grins nice and wide. Pay no attention to the blood dripping from the severed tongue. Mr. Wright just grins and holds up the tongue so that everybody can see the word tattooed onto it.


The letters peel themselves off the tongue and pop up in a cartoonish way over Mr. Wright's head. One letter at a time; P - A - I - N.


Mr. Wright pauses to let the kids at home answer.


Mr. Wright's eyes light up at the same moment a lightbulb appears over his head.


The Children's Chorus doesn't even hesitate with their response.


Mr. Wright looks even more excited.


Mr. Wright winds himself up and runs right off camera to cue up yet another magical transition that sends flashing lights and a wipe across the screen. When everything settles again, we're in The Promised Land Playhouse's Garage.

Mr. Wright pops up from down below with safety goggles on and a "KILL!" -- THE CHEF apron wrapped around his body. He rubs his hands together as he looks right down the barrel of the camera.


Mr. Wright moves over to the car that's trapped beneath a huge blood-red cover. He waves his hands over it for a little teasing before he just YANKS the car cover off and tosses it to the side! There's even some fanfare that comes along with it.


What's underneath the car cover is, well, the exact car that may have suffered a brutal vehicular collision. Well, what's left of it anyway. There's broken glass and blood and probably even some lingering pieces of Ryan Galloway inside this thing. How it even got here is anybody's guess but The Promised Land Playhouse is pretty magical so who knows.

Mr. Wright stands in front of the wrecked vehicle and holds his arms out nice and wide.


Mr. Wright smacks the car and another piece of metal falls off the already totaled frame.


The Children's Chorus doesn't like the sound of that.


Mr. Wright grins but also holds up his hands.


Mr. Wright takes a step back from the totaled vehicle and frowns.


Mr. Wright reaches off-screen and comes back with his giant mallet. He holds it up next to his face with a big ol' grin.


The Children's Chorus cheers wildly.


Mr. Wright cackles madly as he raises Misery Mallet up above his head to swing at the car...

---

This room is pretty bare. It should be. There can't be too many distractions because this is, after all, a Very Special Message. Even in The Promised Land Playhouse there's a place where peace and quiet can be found. It's definitely dark here and there's very little to look at besides the big comfy chair that's sitting in the middle of the room. What minimal lighting there is seems to be focused around that area.

It becomes obvious when Mr. Wright sits up and his face comes into the light. He smiles.


Mr. Wright waves politely.

"Because I think you need a Friend."

"I know all about you, Henry. I know all about your sister and your nephew. I know all about how you really wanted to be a good brother and a good uncle. I know all about how you really wish you were there when their lives got turned upside down."

"I know that's why you frown."

"But I'm going to help you, Henry. I'm going to help you turn that frown upside down and we're going to do that in New York town!"

"But first I want to take some time out of my super busy schedule just to talk to you, Henry. Can we do that? Can we just talk?"

"You see, Henry, I've been down the road you're on. I've been the kind of guy that thinks he has to be rough and gruff to get his point across. I've been the kind of guy that has to make threats to try and get the attention that I so desperately need and want. I've been in pretty much every pair of shoes that you own."

"Well, except the shoes where you kind of have a crush on your sister but that might just be a Portland thing. I'm not sure."

"I know where you've been, Henry and I can tell you from experience that you're not going to like where you end up. You're really not."

"So I'd like to give you something that I don't think you've ever had before. And that's Friendship."

"Now, I need you to understand that before we can become friends, we're going to have to actually have it out. And while I'm not exactly an advocate for anything more than your eternal pain and suffering, I am someone that believes that you should have to answer for the bad things you've done."

"Like turning your back on your family. That's pretty rude, Henry."

"Where were you? When that fatal car crash happened? Hm? What were you doing that was so important that you weren't there to protect the two people that you claim to love sooooo much?"

"I don't like liars, Henry. The Promised Land Playhouse has no room for liars."

"But! I can offer you redemption, Henry! We can hug it out! I can help you experience the same pain and anguish that Jennifer and Ben did! I can make sure that you know exactly how they felt! I can break all the same bones in your body!"

"Or, if you'd rather, I can take you to see Ryan."

"Whatever you need to no longer be this shell of a man that you've twisted yourself into. It's really not healthy."

"We should get you some milk. Milk does a body good."

"I understand that you think what you're doing is right. I really do. I get that you think you have to overcompensate for your inability to control your own life. I know that you believe you're going to fix everything that's wrong with the world by absolutely NOT fixing your own personal relationship with your family. I get it. I do."

"But you're wrong."

"That's where I come in. That's where Mr. Wright decides to step in and show you how to do things... The Wright Way."

"It all starts on Sunday Night when Friendship Falls goes on a little trip to Madison Square Garden."

"By the way, can I just say that I love gardens. I've always wanted to dig one up around The Promised Land Playhouse. Maybe I'll talk to Silly Shovel and see if they'd like to dig something besides your grave."

"And while we're in Madison Square Garden, you and I are going to have a chance to play. Just the two of us. In front of all my special friends. Special friends that could also be yours if you'll let them be. And I think we're going to have a grand ol' time out there, just you and me."

"I've got all kinds of games for us to play and songs for us to sing. I might even bring a few friends from The Promised Land Playhouse to introduce you to."

"I know Misery Mallet has been dying to meet you."

"Charlie Chainsaw too."

"But I don't want to give too much away. I plan on bringing a lot of Surprises with me on Sunday. And maybe even a couple of Presents."

"That's right, don't think I forgot. It's CHRISTMAS! And I'm looking forward to giving you everything you deserve, Henry. Mark my words, what I've got planned for you is to die for."

Mr. Wright's grin flashes into something dark and sinister for even the briefest of moments. Weird.


Mr. Wright rubs his hands together a bit as the camera locks in on his face.

"All I want for Killmas is You."

---

We're back inside The Promised Land Playhouse at this moment and it looks like Mr. Wright is ready to go. At least it seems that way because he's standing sadly in front of the door.


The Children's Chorus doesn't like that one bit.


Mr. Wright sighs and just shakes his head.


The Children's Chorus likes the sound of that.


Mr. Wright smiles proudly.


Mr. Wright takes a moment to wink viciously at the camera before his pleasant demeanor returns!