Post by ttthet on Dec 8, 2021 22:15:37 GMT -5
Our scene starts in a grocery store. With Petey off doing crack and Sauce nowhere to be found, the responsibility of grocery shopping has fallen to TJ Thompson. That explains why the boys have been surviving on microwave burritos and food from the food truck Gerald stole from the Mall of America parking lot.
TJ Thompson: Shit man, I kinda forgot people had to eat! This is a revelation for me. Anyway, let’s see what we got up in here. We got…mac n cheese…a family sized bag of tortilla chips…the options are endless! Let’s see what’s in this aisle-
As TJ’s about to move to the next aisle, a small child falls from the ceiling on top of him.
Small Child: TJ Thompson! I’m your biggest fan! My name’s Timmy and I’ve been looking all over for you!
TJ Thompson: Oh shit, to kidnap me?!? I knew I wasn’t safe for long. They’re sending kids now?!? Don’t they know BBB also follows us around? They’re more likely to have their child snatched than to snatch me…
Little Timmy: No! I’m here to help you! I heard about you recruiting people to take down True Society and I think I could be a huge help.
TJ Thompson: …I don’t even know who you are. And I feel like recruiting minors to get their asses beat by grown wrestlers gives off a bad look. A very bad look. We’re the good guys here! Try getting into True Society. That would help us a lot because they’d have to babysit! Or maybe you’d just die. Either way, it would help us! They would get the bad PR for endangering minors and then we strike.
Little Timmy: Aw come on! I can kick their shins! That’s something!
TJ Thompson: We already have Sav for that! She has more experience. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re taller than her. Which means that she’s much closer to their shins than you.
Little Timmy: Y’all literally have Archie! He’s a dweeb! I can do anything he can but better! And I’m less corny and cartoonish so I won’t drive you crazy!
TJ Thompson: You’re already driving me crazy, bro. And Archie won that mall shit! He is kinda corny…but you literally fell from the sky and suffered no bodily harm. Nothing’s more cartoonish than that! Sorry, kid. I appreciate the offer…kinda…but we’re good. The midget role is already filled and endangering minors isn’t good. Hey, who’s that?
TJ watches as Little Timmy gets dragged away by his mother.
Mama Timmy: I told you not to jump on people! You could get hurt! And more importantly, I don’t wanna get sued!
The scene cuts to black as TJ scratches his head, looking confused.
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The scene opens up again a few hours later to show TJ loading up a round of the most intellectual game to ever exist on this planet, Fortnite.
TJ Thompson: I’ve been waiting all day for this. Time to catch a dub!
TJ reaches for his bag of chips only to notice Little Timmy eating the entire bag.
Little Timmy: Hi! Have you been rethinking my offer?!? I gave you a few hours to think it over, so now don’t you see how I can be a help?!?
TJ Thompson: AHHH! Jeez, bro. How’d you get in here? We have a very high-tech security system up in here! We’ve been kidnapped too many times already, can’t be taking any chances. How the fuck did you get past it?!?
Gerald is seen eating some leaves in the backyard.
TJ Thompson: Oh. Goddamnit, Gerald. Accepting bribes. So corrupt.
Little Timmy: Yeah I know! All it took was a handful of pocket leaves and he let me in!
TJ Thompson: …Pocket leaves?
Little Timmy: Yeah! You mean you don’t carry leaves in your pocket at all times?
TJ Thompson: Nah…but I might start…that’s not the point though! You can’t just break and enter into other people’s houses! That’s not a thing people do! I’m trying to enjoy my night in peace and I’m being disturbed by some kid on my couch!
Little Timmy: But I’m some kid giving you the deal of your life! Let’s get serious here. Look at True Society! They’re a bunch of killers! Literally! Murder! And you only have some SoundCloud rappers, a cartoon character, some dude that looks like a ghost and a midget! You’re all gonna die!
TJ Thompson: You forgot the giant cult guy. You might have heard of him. Don’t do us like this! We’re not that bad! Archie won that mall shit, didn’t he? And like…half of us have belts! What’s a small child gonna add?!? Nothing!
Little Timmy: Huh?!? I could take them all on by myself! I’m trying to help you here by providing my services! I know karate! They don’t stand a chance!
TJ Thompson: What, are you gonna karate their ankles? Actually that’s kinda Sav’s whole strategy. That gimmick is already taken, buddy. Your whole thing might be the short, cute, annoying one, but it’s pretty much all taken by Sav. Okay. Not the cute part. But you know what I mean!
Little Timmy: You’ll regret this! I saw you spending so much time recruiting Ozy when you should’ve been recruiting me! And here I am, giving myself to the cause for free! I know I’m pretty tiny, but don’t underestimate me!
TJ Thompson: I don’t think I’m underestimating anyone, kid. Now do you wanna get out of my house or…
Little Timmy: You mean I can’t move in?!?
TJ Thompson: Hell no! We already got enough kids running around…
TJ and Timmy look out the window to see the baby giraffes throwing themselves into the neighbour’s backyard.
TJ Thompson: Yeah, we don’t need more minors with people that can’t watch them. Like me. Aight, you gotta go! I’d call the cops, but since we have a lot of shit going on, I don’t think kicking you out would be their top priority.
Little Timmy: Whaaat?!? Please!
TJ ushers Timmy out of the door as he protests.
TJ Thompson: Here’s a tip for you bro. Don’t break into people’s houses. Even if you can't get past their elite security systems, it’s just not a nice thing to do.
TJ closes the door on Timmy who turns around to see his mom looming over him. The scene cuts to black.
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The scene opens up for the third time inside the DRIPMOBILE as the gang heads to the next Proving Ground. Gerald the Giraffe is somehow driving without having opposable thumbs while TJ and Petey do shots in the back of the bus. TJ and Petey clink shot glasses, but a third one suddenly appears with them.
TJ Thompson: OH GOD, NOT THIS GUY AGAIN!!!
Little Timmy: Hi guys!
Lil Petey: Ay, who’s this?!?
TJ Thompson: This kid’s been following me around, trying to join the gang! That shit would be cool if we were ourselves, but we’re kinda fighting a bunch of evil murderers. Also, he broke into our house. That’s not cool.
Lil Petey: How’d he get past Gerald?!?
TJ Thompson: He bribed him! You better not bribe him again, kid. He needs to focus on not killing us!
Gerald makes giraffe noises from the driver’s seat.
TJ Thompson: Wait a second, you’re not even old enough to drink!
Little Timmy downs the shot and shrugs.
TJ Thompson: Meh. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Little Timmy: I needed that to dull the pain of your rejection. But Petey's here now! I'm sure he'll see what I can bring to the table, right?!?
TJ Thompson: He wants to help us fight True Society! I appreciate the help, but I don't really want anyone throwing a lawsuit at us for child endangerment.
Lil Petey: But Gerald went to Harvard! He can defend our asses in court, fam!
TJ Thompson: Wait a second...really?
Gerald nods from the driver's seat.
TJ Thompson: Aight. We might have something for you, kid! You'll have to fight Sav for the right to kick people's shins, but I think you'll win.
Little Timmy: Ayy! I'm in! I can't believe it! True Society doesn't stand a chance!
Lil Petey: Try not to die! And that doesn't just go for you. I have a feeling that's what most of us will be trying not to.
Timmy does a little dance and promptly passes out to the effects of the shot he took.
TJ Thompson: I have a feeling we won't be giving him back to his mom very soon. My guy is out for the count!
Lil Petey: Don't worry. He'll be fine! I did worse at his age.
TJ Thompson: Same! Hey, is it sus that we have a kid passed out on our floor? It kinda looks like we're the kidnappers now. How'd he get in this time?
Timmy slowly sits up and mutters something about the air vent before passing back out.
Lil Petey: Damn. We gotta lock those tighter.
A car next to the DRIPMOBILE starts honking.
TJ Thompson: WAIT! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
The scene sharply cuts to black.
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The scene opens up to reveal TJ still in the DRIPMOBILE with Timmy asleep on a hammock. Petey is still doing shots as Gerald drives.
TJ Thompson: Welp. I got both good and bad things to talk about. The bad news is that I lost both the Purge and at the mall. I came kinda close at the mall, but choked at the end! Also, Rock Johnson is literally dead. I guess it wasn’t about drive. Or power. He can no longer stay humble or devour because dead bodies don’t do that shit. Trust me. I know a lot about dead bodies now after the shit that went down in Raleigh. I have a lot to think about. The boss is dead! What’s next for all of us?!? Also, it kinda sucks that he died. That too. RIP bozo. Who did it? I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. It would be weird if it was a completely natural and explainable cause, am I right? That would be totally against the spirit of wrestling! I refuse to believe that. All of that is pretty depressing. But my life isn’t that depressing! You know why?!? New friends! Big Drip has been pretty lonely with Sauce gone, and Petey wanted to be a good person for once and help out the peeps at Fallout. There’s something we both want, and adding new homies to the crew is just the way to do it! Sav might be a midget, but…yeah she’s just a midget. But that’s still one more dwarf we have that we didn’t have before! We had a good time at the Purge, didn’t we? Sure, we both kinda got our asses kicked, but what we lost in health, we gained in new friendship! Or that’s what I tell myself at night when I’m tryna sleep. Whatever. Besides Sav, there’s Myo! I guess we’re boys now too! Do they kick my ass every time we’re in a match together? Kinda. But those days are over. Now we’re besties and all that shit. Next is a new face to Project Honor, Arch…something something. I don’t remember. Names are long. This is why we call him Archie. He won Mall Mayhem! Am I jealous? A little! But I’m not gonna let that get in between us. Not at all. I haven’t seen a lot from him, but after that banger debut, I’m expecting big things from the homeboy. Is he a little corny? Kinda! But he chose to associate himself with Big Drip after clapping Petey. His cheeks? His hands? We’ll never know. Hopefully not his cheeks. That would be awkward for the group. That means he’s a smart man! And finally, there’s Ozy. Like a month ago, I thought he was gonna murder me. He did almost murder me many times before that! But our beef has to be squashed now, right? Now we’re homies! United by the common goal of beating up True Society! Basically, we’re best friends. Petey and I know what Ozy can do to a human body firsthand. And trust me, that shit’s painful. I’m glad he’s actually on our side this time and not beating the shit out of us.
Lil Petey: Facts! I’m still feeling the pain!
TJ Thompson: Same. But I have a feeling that this match is gonna be a little less painful. Tag team matches haven’t gone great for me since Night of Honor. People forget to send in their promotional material or some shit. But now that I’m teaming with the mall god…and Swindle, that has to change, right? I know these two pretty well. Archie is my boy. Swindle? Not really my boy. We spent a while beating each other up in the whole buildup to the Grand Championship match. And then it really didn’t matter anyway because we both lost. Sad. But that’s all water under the bridge, right? What exactly do we hate each other for now? There’s no reason for us to be enemies now, right? Well for him there probably is. But we don’t talk about that. I’m a peaceful guy. I don’t go out picking fights for no reason. Unless they deserve it. But luckily for him, Swindle doesn’t deserve it! Because we have to team. I have a great feeling about this.
Gerald shakes his head from the driver’s seat.
TJ Thompson: What? I do! Anyway, I guess I gotta talk about my opponents now. The poor souls that I’m about to beat into another dimension. Or maybe just pin them for three seconds. Either way, I’m catching a dub. Douglas Crane is a weird guy. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? There are a lot of weird guys in this place. Some do well! Others don’t. And in this case, I don’t think this guy’s gonna do well. Something, something, sick and twisted? That seems right. I’d make a deez nuts joke, but I actually don’t want my nuts to be twisted. Maybe Petey’s into that kinda shit. Anyway, just because he only cares about wrestling doesn’t mean he’s even good. It just means his life is depressing as fuck. He needs to get a hobby or something. I don’t know. Maybe something other than staring at a sad corner until it’s time for him to lose his next match. I’m not worried about it. He’s light work. Normally people don’t wanna be released. That means you don’t have a job. How would I buy beer if I didn’t have a job?!? But this guy seems to want that. Or at least that’s what he says whenever he does his little submission thing. Maybe someone should tell him what release means. I know what he’ll say to it. Something deep like he wants to be released from the constant suffering that is life. But nobody cares about that. Someone might take it the wrong way and fire him! And then what? Then all he’ll do with his life is stare at the wall. Maybe he should say something that people won’t take literally. Something like don’t release me. Is it as deep? Not really. But who cares about that? Not me.
Lil Petey: Maybe he cares!
TJ Thompson: I thought he only cared about whatever shit goes on in the ring? Anyway, Douggie, you better be ready for these hands. Look at you. In a tag match. That’s a good thing for me, and a bad thing for you. Usually the surly, edgy types don’t do well in matches like these, right? So you’re pretty fucked. But you don’t see it like that, I bet. Whatever. You’ll find out soon enough! It’s kinda funny that you just showed up one day. This company doesn’t vet it’s employees or some shit. Since you’re all unknown and spooky, I’m sure nobody knows much about you. Which is part of your whole charm, I guess. Or lack of it. But here’s my secret. I never know anything anyway. It doesn’t matter who you are, because everyone gets these hands equally. Sucks to be you!
Lil Petey: Who’s next?
TJ Thompson: …Johnny Levy. I almost called him Eugene. Does that make me cultured? Anyway, this guy seems like a real piece of shit. But people also say that about me. And Petey. Damn, nobody in this company is really a nice person, huh? But this guy Johnny seems like more of a dick than others. It’s okay. My morals aren’t so good either. If I worried about whether people were dicks or not, I’d be stressed the fuck out all the time. But wait, this guy doesn’t even wrestle?!? I thought this was a wrestling company. Hey, I’m not complaining. That makes my job easier so I can go home and play Fortnite! Or…do that whole fighting the cult thing. But Fortnite! I’m not that dumb, though. Just because this guy seems extremely incompetent and knows nothing about wrestling, doesn’t mean he’s not a threat! Just kidding. If Douggie’s nothing, then so is he. Sav might fold after seeing his good looks, but I’m only gay for the homies! I have a feeling our female fans…if we have any…won’t be too happy after I ruin his good looks in that ring, but it is what it is. He can always get plastic surgery! Or…more plastic surgery. Gerald knows a guy. He doesn’t seem like a guy that works well with others either! Which is pretty good for me. But with his lack of wrestling ability, a tag match is probably the best thing for him. Hecan hide behind his partners while he takes selfies and looks pretty. And then takes all the credit if they win…which they obviously won’t. Right, Gerald!
Gerald shakes his head.
TJ Thompson: I appreciate the support! Johnny, you’re lucky this isn’t a singles match. This time you have people to hide behind. Child stardom must be tough. Especially since you’re a grown man now. People used to love you! All cute and shit. I bet you thought your stardom would last forever…until you grew up. Now what? You’ve resorted to getting beat up in a wrestling ring. That’s tough, man. But I can’t help you with that one! Maybe you could try being a better actor. Or you could’ve even gotten a real job after you stopped being famous. I heard Burger King is hiring. There were like fifity things you could’ve done before dropping yourself to being a punching bag for guys like me! But I guess there’s no going back now. It’s tought that your film career isn’t going so well. Maybe you wanna switch to adult films! I’m sure Petey would be interested then. I hate to say it, but another career is about to go down the toilet for you. Really. I don’t know why you thought it was a good idea to get yourself beat up to save your acting career, but one thing’s for sure. You’re definitly getting beat up. If you’re lucky, you’ll slip on one of Archie’s banana peels and knock yourself out.
Lil Petey: We could use that against True Society!
TJ Thompson: You might be on to something, bro! Anyway, I gotta end with Emmanuelle. We’ve faced each other a million times at this point. It’s kinda getting old, but it is what it is. I remember her being pretty good, but ever since she lost the Warrior Rising Title, she hasn’t been the same. She’s gotten closer and closer to glory, but she comes up short every time! Like Triple B’s dick! Is this gonna be any different? Probably not. She’s stayed the same while the rest of us have grown. Look at me! I’m with different people now. New friends. While she’s doing the same shit, but this time it doesn’t work for her anymore. And when she’s teaming with these two bums, it’ll only be worse. I feel bad for her, but not really. You gotta do what you gotta do. I feel like I’ve said everything there is to say about her a million times. Her time in the spotlight was up a long time ago. Is it drip time? Yeah. Swindle? Maybe. Sorry, Emmy, this is how it has to be. You can try to work with the two bums you’re teaming with, or not but the result won’t change.
TJ is interrupted by someone honking their horn beside them.
TJ Thompson: What is it?!?
Lil Petey: I think they realized there’s a giraffe driving the bus, bro!
TJ Thompson: Oh shit. I don’t think that’s good. Drive faster!
Gerald the Giraffe: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Who cares about traffic laws?!? You’re literally a driving giraffe! That breaks like fifty laws already! Quick! I think he’s calling the cops! I know you won’t make it in jail!
The boys scream as Gerald speeds away. The scene sharply cuts to black as the camera jostles around.