PROVING GROUND XXVI: BLACK FRIDAY RESULTS

♫ You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town ♫

As “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” plays in the background and flakes of snow float across the screen, the video intro begins with former Grand Champion, Mark Hunter, as he hits his Mercy Killer on an overmatched opponent. That is soon followed by the Sultan of Spice, Serrano Poblano, as he wiggles his body in the center of the ring and slaps his ass cheeks in preparation for a stink face.

♫He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's going to find out
Who's naughty and nice, Santa Claus is coming to town ♫

Lil’ Petey is shown celebrating a victory as the crowd cheers on the Drip Sensation, before we get a shot of Officer Greyfield mercilessly beating a perp with his nightstick. Cadillac Jackson smiles for the camera before sliding his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose. Then comes the disturbing sight of a smiling Casanova English, moments before he connects with the Silence of the Lamb. This section of the video wraps up with an image of Caden Young in all of his fabulous glory.

♫He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake ♫

We see John Blade waving his hand in front of his face before turning completely invisible. Tara Fenix is the next to be highlighted, as we see the Phoenix Queen executing her Phoenix Lock. Finally there is a shot of the intimidating Mason Kane, Proving Grounds’ official problem solver, with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

♫You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town ♫

Kyle Valentine and DJ Hunter take over the screen next, with these members of The Phantom Troupe hitting Gran Rey Cero with perfect accuracy. After that shot of in-ring action, we then see Arata Asakura decked out in one of his many expensive suits, glaring at the camera. With Francis in hand, DIANA gives a happy smile to the camera before the scene switches to the much different visual of Swindle Shelldrake as he executes The Xanadu Clutch. From there, we see Archimedes J. Manson, holding up a stop sign mere moments before a cartoonishly huge anvil drops on his opponent.

♫You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town ♫

The smug smile of Larry KaChow appears, soon to be followed by the eccentric Percival Burque as he throws one of his pocket rats at an unsuspecting opponent. From those unlikely images, we go to a shot of MYOJIN with The X-Factor Championship before The Shining Star is seen hitting their Falling From Heaven EX.

♫He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's going to find out
Who's naughty and nice, Santa Claus is coming to town ♫

Malachite Minj licks the back of his hand before brushing a few strands of hair away from his face, which then transitions to TJ Thompson executing Hip with the Drip. Then comes various glimpses of Proving Ground’s most recent signees including; Josh Conway, Constantine, Douglas Crane, Johnny Levy, LeeAnn Morgan, and Annie Logan.

♫He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake ♫

As the intro draws nearer to its conclusion, General Manager Indy Darling gives the camera a thumbs up, before we then see The Platinum Standard in motion. Following Emmanuelle’s Palisades Bomber, we get a shot of the newest member of Proving Ground, Skylar Ramsay, giving a smirk during her entrance.

♫You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town ♫

Finally, the Proving Ground logo emerges on the screen with the reigning Grand Champion, Ozymandias, complete with a digitally added Santa Claus hat, rising above it with his arms outstretched, like a leviathan rising from the darkest depths of the North Pole.


We then go live to the eastern court within Bloomington, Minnesota’s Mall of America, not far from where Santa’s Village has been erected. Seated at a special commentary section with multiple monitors spread out before them, are Trey Booker and J.T. Price, as fans gather around the railings of all four levels that tower above them. A series of escalators between the four levels are also packed with fans, many of whom have brought their homemade signs to display.

“PROSTITUTING FOR A PS5”
“HAS ANYONE SEEN MY MOM?”
“SANTA IS STILL REAL TO ME”
“BURN IN HELL CAPITALIST SHEEP”
“I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER”

After briefly focusing on the slow-moving fans upon the escalators, we go to the announce team as they welcome viewers around the world to this very special edition of Proving Ground.

TREY BOOKER: The holiday season is officially upon us, and with Christmas music blaring over the PA system, a Peppermint Mocha in my hand, and an ugly sweater over my well-toned torso, I welcome you all to Proving Ground: Black Friday!

J.T. PRICE: Bah, humbug!

TREY BOOKER: Tonight we have one of the strangest matches in Project: Honor history as Indy Darling attempts to rival Fallout’s Purge with counter programming! It’s the first ever Mall Mayhem Match, with over forty superstars battling it out across the Mall of America to get their hands on some early holiday gifts from the General Manager!

J.T. PRICE: He’d better sign off on my bonus for this. I swear, if it’s the Jelly of the Month Club again…

TREY BOOKER: There will be three rounds of competition with multiple prizes available, but just how far will Project: Honor’s stars go to get their hands on those Black Friday deals? We’ll be right back to answer that question so don’t go anywhere!


The segment opens with SUPERSTAR JOHNNY LEVY perusing the suit rack of the most upscale store in that haven of the common man, the Mall of America; though by his elevated standards it might as well be the local thrift store, considering the sickeningly low prices and terrible quality. He flips through the untailored suits, a look of disgust on his face as he holds his outrageously gaudy golden phone in one hand. Must be on speaker, since he's seemingly carrying on a conversation with it while wrinkling his nose at the poverty-level merchandise.

JOHNNY LEVY: So people really buy suits off the rack, huh? Imagine that.

Shaking his head with disdain at the lives of the plebs in this non-Californian state, Johnny moves on to look at a bunch of designer sunglasses held underneath a glass display case. He scoffs loudly at all the '40% off' tags on the merchandise as he browses.

JOHNNY LEVY: I'll never understand the appeal of paying anything less than full price. Bargain hunting is the surest sign of low class there is; might as well just walk around with a stupid neck tattoo that says 'BROKE' in capital letters. Why is everything here discounted, anyway?

The voice of his agent comes through over the phone's speaker, sounding rather put-upon at having to deal with her client when he's supposed to be preparing for his impending Project: Honor debut. There is definitely important work she should be doing, instead of explaining to Johnny Levy the concept of a 'sale'.

QUINLAN KENNEDY: Well, I mean, it is Black Friday after all.

JOHNNY LEVY: Oh, I meant to ask you about that. 'Black Friday', this is some kind of civil rights thing, right?

QUINLAN KENNEDY: Uhhhh. No, Johnny. It's not. How have you never heard of it before? Biggest discounts of the year? Record amounts of sales for most major retailers? Commercials and billboards literally everywhere? Ring any bells?

JOHNNY LEVY: So... Christmas for poor people, is what you're saying.

QUINLAN KENNEDY: ...I really hope you're not being filmed right now.

As his agent says this, Johnny shoots a glance at the cameraman filming the exchange and offers a sheepish grin.

JOHNNY LEVY: Noooo. Of course not. Just out of curiosity though, why do you hope I'm not being filmed?

There is a lengthy pause, followed by an exasperated, pained sigh over the phone from Quinlan.

QUINLAN KENNEDY: Damnit, Johnny... don't tell me...

JOHNNY LEVY: Ha ha ha, don't worry Quin. We'll just get them to edit it in post.

Clearing his throat to get the actor's attention, the cameraman waits until Johnny looks at him (with a rather annoyed expression on his face) before speaking.

CAMERAMAN: This, uh... this is going out live.

At this sudden, unfortunate revelation, Johnny narrows his eyes and stares daggers at the man holding the camera. He says nothing, but his agent's voice over the phone's speaker makes up for the silence on his part.

QUINLAN KENNEDY: Did he say this was live? You know, our PR people are already working overtime as is, we don't ne-

*CLICK*

Hanging up the phone mid-sentence, Johnny places it back into the inside pocket of his suit jacket before walking towards the cameraman. Taking the recording equipment out of his hands, he places it on a nearby shelf before grabbing the cameraman by the shoulders. Pulling the crew member towards him, Levy whispers into the man's ear in a hushed tone. His words are still plainly audible to anyone watching the live feed, however.

JOHNNY LEVY: I hope you die.

Slapping the cameraman on the shoulder, Johnny replaces his cold expression with a fake smile as he takes a step back.

JOHNNY LEVY: Alright, pal? Let's keep that in mind for next time.

As if on cue, there is a muffled *BEEP* coming from within Johnny's suit. The 5 minute warning for the beginning of the event; time to go find his starting position!



We go back to the East Court where Holly Perez is standing by to officially begin the night’s one and only contest...

HOLLY PEREZ: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the first round of Black Friday’s Mall Mayhem Match! Groups of competitors will begin in various locations throughout the mall, and each of these locations will contain three tickets that allow a competitor to continue on to the second round. This round will continue until all tickets have been claimed at which point the winners will advance to their next location! And now...let the Mayhem begin!!!

DING! DING! DING!


As we switch locations to the Sea Life Aquarium, we see “Furious” Julius Fairweather making his way through a wide underwater tunnel, a lit cigarette hanging from his lips as he quietly bemoans his current situation.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: I can’t believe I let Indy talk me into this bullshit. As if the motherfucking Purge wasn’t bad enough, now I’ve got motherfucking sea turtles, motherfucking sharks, and motherfucking...squid?!

Julius barely has time to finish his sentence when something beyond the glass walls of the tunnel catches his eye. The camera turns to follow his gaze, just in time to pick up the image of Ozymandias aiming a high pressure harpoon gun in Julius’ direction. Fortunately the thick glass of the aquarium tunnel holds when the projectile strikes against it, but it does succeed in sending a web of cracks across its surface.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Fuck this!

The cigarette flies from Julius’ lips as he begins to run toward the end of the tunnel, while Ozymandias drives his closed fists against the weakened aquarium glass. Just as Fairweather reaches the tunnel exit, there is a terrifying crack behind him, followed by an explosion of shattering glass and rushing water. The water rushes over Julius’ feet just as he reaches the steps to carry him to the upper level of the Sea Life Aquarium. He pauses near the top of the steps to look back as the lower level continues to fill with water and various sea creatures.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: ...crazy fish-loving motherfucker…

As Julius stares down at the swirling water, he is suddenly blindsided by someone’s massive arm! One of Proving Ground’s newest arrivals, the man known as Constantine, then steps into the frame. He pulls Julius back off his feet and begins to pound on him with various forearm smashes and European Uppercuts. Fairweather does his best to cover up, but the suddenness of the attack has left him momentarily defenseless. Finally, as if to add insult to injury, Constantine scoops Julius off his feet and tosses him over the edge of the stairwell into the tepid water below.

For a moment there is a look of satisfaction on the big man’s face, but some motion under the water’s surface attracts his attention. He takes a few steps down and peers into the water, when suddenly Ozymandias breaches the surface to throw his own massive body toward the newcomer. What follows is a back and forth exchange of heavy blows as the two behemoths brawl away from the immediate area. Seconds later, Julius Fairweather emerges and begins to pull himself out of the water.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: You better believe I’ve seen Deep Blue Sea...get me the fuck outta here...

The camera then finds Ozymandias and Constantine as they continue to trade punches, with the new signee putting on a good showing by standing toe to toe with the Grand Champion. It doesn’t last long however, as The Butcher of Reine stuns him with a sudden headbutt before whipping him into a tank of jellyfish. That’s when Ozymandias first sets his eyes on his prize, spotting one of the three golden tickets taped against the glass case. He reaches out to claim it, but Constantine suddenly slams into him with a spear to keep it out of his reach. Ozymandias pulls himself back up with the assistance of a pool ledge as Constantine makes another charge. This time, Ozy is able to counter with a backdrop, depositing his opponent in the pool of stingrays behind him. The Butcher then marches forward to rip the golden ticket from the jellyfish enclosure, securing his spot in the next round of competition.

Meanwhile, Constantine pulls himself from the pool and away from the creatures inside of it, noticing the second golden ticket on the ledge only a few feet away. He makes his way toward it, but just when it’s in reach, Julius springs back into the frame with a roundhouse kick that knocks Constantine back into the pool. It looks as if Julius will advance as well, but just as he’s reaching down to claim the ticket, someone drops from the main floor of the mall overlooking the stingray pool directly above. This mystery entrant lands on Julius’ back and immediately starts to apply a modified sleeperhold, which gives Constantine the opportunity to reach out of the stingray pool and grab the second ticket.

With two men advancing, it now comes down to Julius and his attacker. Fairweather is finally able to pull the man off his back with a modified snap mare and he sets his eyes upon him for the first time…

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: James Edgebrook?! You sneaky little motherfucker...

Julius attempts to fire off his Foot Fucking Master roundhouse kick, but James Edgebrook ducks at the last second before punching Julius square in the balls! The Furious Motherfucker falls to his knees in pain, as the grinning Edgebrook rushes away in search of the third and final ticket. With the camera following him, Edgebrook moves toward the gift area as he tosses stuffed animals aside in search of the precious ticket. Then, like a drug fiend in need of a fix, he spots the cash register and the shining piece of metallic paper laying on the counter beside it.

With a big grin, James walks confidently toward the ticket, only to have a glass fishbowl crash against the side of his head and shatter into a million pieces. Julius Fairweather moves back into the scene, still holding his crotch with one hand. Shaking his head at the fallen Edgebrook, Julius reaches down to scoop him up, walks him toward the railing overlooking the flooded lower level, and deposits him over the side. The last thing we see as Julius steps away to grab the final ticket, is the fin of a shark moving in Edgebrook’s direction...

TREY BOOKER: One section down and we’ve already caused a flood and possibly had a shark attack. I’m starting to wonder if this concept was a good idea.

J.T. PRICE: Ha ha ha! I think that shark just ate Edgebrook!



Dozens of chubby luchadores are the first thing we see as we go live to The Amazing Mirror Maze on the mall’s third level. Fortunately, all of these reflections belong to the same man as El Puma attempts to navigate the maze as stealthy as possible. That’s when another face emerges directly behind him, that of Fallout’s Prime Champion, Havoc. The luchador spins around with a punch directed at Havoc’s face, but his hand slams against one of the many mirrors, shattering it and ensuring seven more years of bad luck for El Puma. In response, Havoc lifts El Puma off his feet before driving him back down with the Giga Drill Break.

Having made quick work of his first opponent, Havoc begins to look around in order to determine which direction to go, when one of the mirrors to his side suddenly explodes with the force of a body diving through it! The newcomer named Jakeem Kobra launches himself at The Nightmare King and both men crash through another mirror at Havoc’s back. Shaking off the impact, they both begin to get back on their feet as the camera catches a glimpse of a golden ticket pressed against one of the mirrors. For a moment, they both forget about each other as they grab at various reflections, only to come up empty handed.

Just then, Archimedes J. Manson rounds a corner and joins the pair of hardcore extremists, and there is a momentary look of concern on his face. Then, as both Havoc and Jakeem take a step toward him, Archie throws up his hands in a desperate attempt to stop them.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Wait!

Havoc and Jakeem glance at each other before looking back at this new arrival curiously. Then, Archie makes some fancy gestures with his hands before a pair of white gloves appear on them. He then gestures to the mirror closest to him, as if he were Vanna White revealing a vowel. Havoc and Jakeem continue to watch as Archie touches the mirror with one of his gloved hands, and right before their eyes it appears as if his hand has gone completely through its surface! There is a mixed look of pain and concentration on his face as he pushes his arm deeper into the mirror until he seems to grab hold of something.

Then, like a magician slowly building up to a big reveal, he pulls his hand back out of the mirror to reveal the golden ticket in his grasp. With a bow, Archie then leaves the two competitors with some final words before disappearing back into the maze of mirrors.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

Havoc and Jakeem are momentarily left in awe over what they’ve just witnessed, but the moment is fleeting as Havoc charges the Suicidal Snake Charmer to spear him through yet another mirror! Crashing into another section of the maze, Havoc climbs off of Jakeem to see the second golden ticket dangling in the center of the room. Sick of the games, he reaches up to violently snag it from the string that’s holding it aloft, claiming the second victory in the match. Despite securing his own advancement into the next round, Havoc cannot help but pull Jakeem back to his feet and hurl him through yet another mirror before starting his search for the exit.

In the next corridor, Jakeem finds himself laying next to an unconscious El Puma. Wiping some of the stray glass off his skin, the voiceless man pulls himself back up and nudges the luchador with his foot. When El Puma doesn’t respond, Jakeem fully rolls him onto his side, surprised to see a golden ticket lying beneath him. Not one to overlook his luck, Jakeem shrugs his shoulders before reaching down to pick up the final ticket.

TREY BOOKER: Another section down as the list of second round competitors continues to grow! I’m not sure what to make of Archimedes J. Manson, but there’s no doubt that Havoc and Jakeem are prepared for whatever violence may lay ahead.

J.T. PRICE: There’s still a long way to go. Who knows what might happen next?


Fresh off her impressive main event showing in the Clive Darling Memorial Tournament, we join up with Emmanuelle as she makes her way through the massive course normally reserved for Nerf and Laser Tag games. Designed to look like an urban street in the midst of a warzone, Emmy eyes her surroundings carefully while also doing her best to spot one of the three golden tickets that will allow her to advance. Suddenly her search is brought to a halt as KAYLA springs from a nearby doorway, catching the side of Emmy’s head with a high kick. The Platinum Standard stumbles off her feet and into a wooden crate as KAYLA advances, but that’s when the third competitor charges into frame with a discus elbow that knocks KAYLA off her feet as well. With a look of pure rage on his face, Slade Castle proceeds to stomp away at his fallen opponent as Emmy gets back on her feet.

Just then, all three competitors are pelted by a spray of paintballs, dotting them with various neon colors. The camera turns to see who in their right mind would try something so foolish against three dangerous opponents, revealing the last participant in this section of the mall...


LARRY KACHOW: Say hello to my little friend!

KaChow lets another round of paintballs loose, as Emmy and KAYLA both cover their faces to prevent being struck in the eyes. Slade Castle, on the other hand, begins to walk towards Larry with a scowl…

SLADE CASTLE: Is this some kind of game to you? Huh? You think war is a game? I lived it! It’s not a fucking game to me!

As splashes of paint continue to splatter against Castle’s chest, Larry starts to realize the terrible mistake he’s made. He immediately drops his paintball gun and holds his hands up in a pleading manner.

LARRY KACHOW: Uh...take it easy now...I didn’t mean anything by it. In fact, I was a war correspondent once upon a time! I mean...I was only covering the Coke/Pepsi War but still…

Suddenly Castle lunges forward to grab Larry, but he’s stopped at the last second when KAYLA leaps onto his back to apply a chokehold. This gives KaChow a moment to run for his life, as Slade drops backwards to plant KAYLA between his own body and the hard floor. Just as they hit, Emmanuelle leaps off a nearby stack of wooden crates for a double stomp to the chest! Castle is able to roll off of KAYLA at the last second, but the move still connects with KAYLA’s upper body. Slade rolls up to his feet but Emmanuelle is already on him, running forward with a leaping knee that knocks him into a large military tank made of plywood, cardboard, and styrofoam. Needless to say, Castle’s impact with the prop does little damage.

As Emmanuelle keeps Slade on the defensive with various kicks, something catches her eye. Hanging from the fake tank’s turret like a chain of dog tags are the three tickets they’re fighting over. She takes a couple of steps toward it, but Slade reaches out to grab her ankle and successfully trips her to the ground. As the two warriors claw and scrape in an effort to reach the end of the PVC pipe that’s been painted in camouflage colors, Larry KaChow once again emerges from behind the tank to grab the prize for himself.

LARRY KACHOW: Ha! Suck it, losers!

Before either of them can retaliate, Larry runs off with his prize, having miraculously secured his advancement to the next round. Slade initially begins to chase after him, but he’s suddenly spun around by Emmanuelle who then sets Castle up for her Rodeo Driver before planting him on the unforgiving floor.

EMMANUELLE: Nothing personal, but it’s everyone for themselves here.

Emmanuelle then gives Slade a salute as if to mock her fallen opponent, then grabs another of the tickets, leaving both KAYLA and Slade to fight it out for the last one. Having had a moment to recover from the stomp to her ribs, KAYLA starts laying the boots into Slade in an effort to keep him on the ground. Then, clutching her ribcage, she steps forward to grab the final ticket. Slade reaches out for the only thing he can, wrapping his fingers around Larry KaChow’s discarded paintball gun. He then unloads a series of paintballs to the back of KAYLA’s head, which fortunately for Castle, is enough to stun her and also prevent her from advancing on the ticket.

With a bloody nose from Emmanuelle’s earlier attack, Castle pulls himself up and grabs KAYLA from behind, locking her in a rear naked choke. He drags her to the ground with the hold applied and continues to exert as much pressure as possible until KAYLA’s limbs stop moving completely. With his last opponent unconscious, Castle reaches up to claim the last ticket. He starts to walk away in search of his next scheduled location, but then stops and looks back at the ground. Without providing any explanation as to why, he picks up KaChow’s paintball gun and takes it with him.

TREY BOOKER: Three more competitors advance, and through some rare miracle, Larry KaChow is one of them!

J.T. PRICE: Emmanuelle and Castle should come as no surprise, although I’m really curious to see what Slade has in mind for that paintball gun.

LARRY KACHOW, EMMANUELLE, AND SLADE CASTLE ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - KAYLA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

With a full crowd of spectators seated at their tables, we see that Guy has decided to pass the time before the match by practicing his stand-up routine. Standing on stage with the microphone, he hopes that his jokes will go over better than his matches.

GUY: So I was in bed with my wife last night and she said, “Honey, I want you to say dirty things to me before we get started”. I thought about it for a minute and answered her with, “Kitchen, bathroom, living room…”.

After a polite round of laughs, Guy gives a sheepish smile and continues.

GUY: Now I don’t want to give you the idea that my wife is soft and that I can easily get away with saying those things. In fact, she’s a lot more like a brick. She’s dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by groups of sweaty men.

There is another round of laughter, which encourages Guy to press his luck.

GUY: In all honesty, my wife is actually very religious. It took me a long time to figure out why she’s so into Jesus. Turns out it’s because he’s well hung.

As the laughs continue to grow, Guy gets more and more comfortable.

GUY: All joking aside, I’m fortunate to have discovered the secrets behind a happy marriage. Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Then make sure those three women never meet.

As the crowd applauds to show their appreciation, Guy takes a bow.

GUY: Thank you! Thank you very much! I’ll be here all night!

Just then, Arata Asakura rushes onto the stage and before Guy can react, he’s hit with a bicycle knee strike that knocks him off the stage and onto one of the front row tables. The crowd boos as Asakura scowls at them for a moment, and then The Gaijin Killer moonsaults off the stage to drive Guy through the table and to the floor. After nearly killing Guy, Arata gets back to his feet and starts shoving his way through the crowd in search of a golden ticket. He reaches the bar and continues to scan the area for his prize, when Casanova English suddenly pops up from behind the bar to smash a bottle of Cinnamon Whiskey against the side of Arata’s head!

J.T. PRICE: Fireball from the Warrior Rising Champion!

With The Gaijin Killer down on one knee, Casanova leaps over the bar and continues to attack with some stiff mounted elbow strikes on his stunned opponent. He then pulls Arata to his feet and it looks as if the Warrior Rising Champion is going to set up his Existential Existence angel wings on Asakura. That’s when Angelo Caito first enters the scene, leaping off the top of the bar onto both men with a diving crossbody block!

By this point, the crowd has gathered around the three men and is showering them with chants of “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT”, with all three happy to oblige. Caito picks up a nearby barstool and swings it with all his might, shattering it across the back of Casanova English. Before he can capitalize however, Arata charges into Angelo with a clothesline that sends both men back behind the bar.

As if he’s actually going to give the match his best effort, Guy eventually returns with the microphone stand in his possession. As he does his best to choke Casanova with it, Arata and Angelo continue to brawl behind the bar. Taking a page out of English’s playbook from earlier, Arata gets his hands on a bottle of tequila and shatters it over Angelo’s head. As Caito slumps to the floor, Asakura takes notice that there was no worm in the bottom of the bottle, but one of the three golden tickets. He grabs it without hesitation, earning his spot in the next round.

Meanwhile, Casanova counters Guy’s attempts to attack him with the microphone stand by lifting him off his feet and dropping him face first against the bar, almost with a modified Hot Shot. He then pulls the microphone free from the stand and begins to wrap its cord around Guy’s neck. As English proceeds to choke the life out of Guy, Angelo starts to recover from behind the bar. He makes his way around the bar to where Casanova is murdering Guy, grabs a steaming hot appetizer platter from a nearby table, and slams it against English’s face. This gives Angelo a brief opportunity to search for another ticket, which he quickly sees tucked into one of the bar’s tip jars. He digs his hand in to retrieve the ticket, not only securing it, but also a handful of tips meant for the staff.

Out of breath and bloody from what he’s already endured, Guy begins to crawl back toward the stage, more in an attempt to escape his final opponent than to actually search for a ticket. Unfortunately for Guy, Casanova has been able to recover quickly and isn’t far behind him. He finally catches up to Guy on the stage where the brawl began, and expertly applies his Silence of the Lamb submission hold. It isn’t long until Guy is completely unconscious, at which point the comedy club emcee walks onto the stage.

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand to Casanova English!

Whether out of respect or fear, the crowd applauds as Casanova releases Guy and gets back onto his feet. The emcee hands him the final golden ticket, which English takes with a sinister smile on his face. Then, for no reason at all, Casanova kicks the emcee in the gut and hits him with The Existential Existence, putting an exclamation point on this chapter of the match.

TREY BOOKER: Three more have advanced, and while Guy may have had some success in winning over the crowd, that didn’t translate into a successful fight.

J.T. PRICE: Don’t quit your day job, kid.

ARATA ASAKURA, ANGELO CAITO, AND CASANOVA ENGLISH ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - GUY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

We then go from the dimly lit comedy club to a much more cheerful location decorated with Christmas trees and wrapped presents. In the middle of it all, is an oversized stuffed chair and a jolly fat man in a red suit sitting upon it. Santa is surrounded by several of his pint-sized elves as they prepare to watch the upcoming action unfold. TJ Thompson then enters the scene, already on the lookout for one of the three golden tickets. It doesn’t take long for TJ’s eyes to fall on the various gift boxes, one of which has a golden tag attached to it. The Hip Beast moves in that direction, but suddenly he is under attack as Skylar Ramsay charges between a pair of Christmas trees to hit him with a spinning wheel kick!

The blow knocks TJ to the steps at Santa’s feet, setting him up perfectly for Skylar to follow up with a running basement dropkick. She then grabs TJ by the head and begins to set him up for a fisherman DDT, when a newcomer to Proving Ground, LeeAnn Morgan, springboards off the back of Santa’s chair to launch herself at Ramsay. The suicide dive connects and drives Skylar to the floor, but The Gypsy Rose doesn’t stop there. She pulls Skylar back up and hooks her for a snap DDT, driving her head-first to the floor. As this unfolds, TJ has an opportunity to retrieve the golden ticket he spotted earlier, but as he crawls toward the package with his arm outstretched, he is stopped by a voice from behind him.

SANTA?: Ho, ho, ho! Do not open before Christmas, little boy!

TJ slowly turns back to look at the man in the Santa suit, a glimmer of recognition on his face.

TJ THOMPSON: Wait...I know that voice…

Before TJ can finish uncovering Santa’s identity, the large man rises from his chair and points in TJ’s direction.

SANTA?: Get him, boys!

Upon Santa’s command, the half-sized elves charge at TJ Thompson, and for the first time we are able to recognize them as members of the Project: Honor mini-division! As Ozyminidias, Swindle Slightdrake, and Little Match John dive on TJ with rights and lefts, the jolly man in the red suit lets out a deep belly laugh. While TJ is being assaulted by mini versions of Project: Honor wrestlers, LeeAnn Morgan is able to connect with The Parade on Skylar Ramsay, knocking her senseless with the shining wizard and superkick combo. The Gypsy Rose then approaches one of the many Christmas trees, grabs hold of a golden ticket that is acting as an ornament, and secures her spot in the next round.

As LeeAnn makes her exit, TJ does his best to fight off the half dozen midget wrestlers that have surrounded him. He slams two of their heads together before hitting a third with a very low superkick. The odds are still against him however, as more and more elves charge toward him. Finally, TJ has no choice but to climb the nearest Christmas tree and hope that it can hold his weight. He manages to get out of the reach of the mini’s, but then he turns the tables on them as he leaps back off the tree with his Hip With the Drip coffin drop! Four more minis are crushed underneath TJ when he lands, and it looks as if The Hip Beast will finally be able to claim his early Christmas present.

He reaches out for the tag on the wrapped package once again, but this time he’s stopped as Santa brings his big red sack slamming against TJ’s back. Santa continues to pummel TJ with his bag of toys, too interested in beating up The Hip Beast to notice Skylar Ramsay making her own way toward TJ’s package. As Santa proceeds to beat TJ to a pulp, Skylar reaches out and grabs hold of the golden ticket, earning herself a spot in the second round.

With two of his opponents already having found their tickets, TJ desperately reaches out to grab hold of Santa to stop his attack. He manages to get both of his hands on the big man’s beard and pulls it away revealing the face of...

TJ THOMPSON: Pat the Postman?!?! Again? Why is it always you?!

Indeed, it is TJ’s old rival, Pat the Postman, sitting in as Santa Claus during his time away from the Project: Honor ring. With his identity revealed, Santa Pat stops beating on TJ long enough to adjust his beard, and this gives Thompson the opening he’s been looking for. Without thinking twice, he brings his foot up between Santa Pat’s legs, kicking him right in the sleigh bells. He then grabs the nearest present and slams it over Pat’s head, knocking him to the ground.

All around the area, children begin to cry and scream as they’re horrified to see Santa get beaten up by a member of Big Drip. TJ does his best to ignore them as he starts ripping open every package he can get his hands on, and fortunately, it isn’t long before he discovers a golden ticket inside one of them.

TREY BOOKER: I think TJ may have just earned himself a spot on the naughty list, but he’s still going on to the next round alongside the impressive newcomer, LeeAnn Morgan, and the determined Skylar Ramsay!

J.T. PRICE: TJ Thompson just ruined Christmas. I hope he’s proud of himself.

LEEANN MORGAN, SKYLAR RAMSAY, AND TJ THOMPSON ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - PAT THE POSTMAN AND THE SURVIVING PROJECT: HONOR MINIS HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED

Following TJ Thompson’s public humiliation of a childhood icon, we then go to our next section of the mall where Serrano Poblano is already present. The Sultan of Spice is on his knees in the middle of the Pepper Palace with several empty bottles of hot sauce laying around him. His face and hands are stained red, and it soon becomes clear that he’s much more interested in drinking as much sauce as possible instead of seeking out one of the three golden tickets. At that moment Swindle Shelldrake enters the store and takes a long look at the man on the floor. Finally realizing he’s not alone, Serrano jumps to his feet to greet his first opponent.

SERRANO POBLANO: Duderino! How’s it going, man? You’ve got to check out Satan’s Anus Blaster!

SWINDLE SHELLDRAKE: Right...I’ll be sure to do that…

Then, without warning, Swindle grabs hold of Serrano’s head and flings his body against the nearest rack of spicy condiments, sending the entire thing toppling over under Serrano’s weight. Swindle then kneels down to grab one of the unbroken bottles and prepares to slam it over Serrano’s head, when he takes a curbstomp from behind! Another of the company’s newest signees, Annie Logan, stands over Swindle and Serrano as she looks around the store in search of the first golden ticket.

Meanwhile, there is an entirely different kind of commotion going on just outside of the Pepper Palace. With a few members of the paparazzi recording his every move, Johnny Levy prepares to make his Project: Honor debut by posing for selfies with the fans who have gathered outside the store. As he gives a disingenuous smile for the cameras, we can see the brawl continuing to unfold in the background. Over his shoulder, we see Annie Logan tossing bottles of hot sauce around the store, still searching for the first of three golden tickets. Then, with her attention diverted, Swindle Shelldrake grabs her from behind and drops her on top of the discarded glass bottles with a release German Suplex.

With Serrano and Annie both down and Johnny still preoccupied by the tabloid media, Swindle is free to begin his own search for a golden ticket. He finally spots one attached to a bottle of Flatulent Donkey and wastes no time in grabbing it to secure his advancement. Despite earning a ticket to the second round for himself, Swindle cannot help but notice the attention Johnny Levy is receiving as he makes his way out of the store. As his own way to welcome the newcomer to Project: Honor, Swindle grabs the former child star from behind, spins him around, and whips him toward the huge glass window at the front of The Pepper Palace. The cameraman from TMZ catches the entire thing, as Levy’s body shatters the window and then lands unceremoniously inside of the store.

As a stunned Levy lays on the ground and tries to get his bearings, Serrano and Annie both pull themselves back to their feet. Unfortunately for The Sultan of Spice, Logan is up first and grabs hold of Serrano before he can defend himself, dropping him right back to the glass and sauce covered floor with a Uranage. She then takes notice of Johnny Levy as he rolls over to his hands and knees, and rushes toward him to deliver a punt kick. Once she’s sure that both opponents will be down for a few moments, she goes back to her search, tossing bottles of hot sauce aside until she finally spies a bottle of Rear-End Rocket Fuel with a golden ticket attached. Following Swindle Shelldrake’s lead, she grabs the bottle to advance, leaving one ticket somewhere within the store for Levy and Poblano to fight over.

Having been beaten and brutalized by everyone he’s come into contact with so far, Serrano has clearly seen better days as he uses one of the metal display racks to pull himself back up. He then staggers toward his final opponent, as Levy is getting onto his own feet. Poblano tries to hook Johnny for a suplex, but before he can lift him off the ground, Mister Box Office counters to execute a suplex of his own. Johnny keeps Serrano’s head hooked as he hits two more suplexes, completing the Hollywood Hills trio before finally ending the combination with his Box Office Blockbuster.

With Serrano unconscious, Levy decides to avoid a bothersome search and goes directly to the clerk behind the counter instead, grabbing them by the shirt collar.

JOHNNY LEVY: The ticket! Where is it?

The intimidated clerk then raises a finger and points at the fallen Serrano Poblano.

STORE CLERK: It...it was in one of the bottles and...I think he drank it…

Johnny hangs his head for a moment before turning to look at Serrano with sheer disgust. He then grabs the cash register from the counter, walks back to where he left Serrano lying, and then drops it directly on his stomach. With a loud lurching sound, The Sultan of Spice proceeds to vomit up a stream of hot sauce, and sure enough, a golden ticket as well. Levy continues to display a look of disgust as he turns back to the clerk.

JOHNNY LEVY: Gloves!

The clerk responds with a nod and quickly retrieves a pair of rubber gloves from under the counter. After passing them on to the former child star, Johnny Levy begins to slide them over his hands to do what must be done in order to advance.

TREY BOOKER: Three more have advanced, and despite having what some may consider the home field advantage, Serrano Poblano is not one of them!

J.T. PRICE: As if that’s a surprise. I’m personally impressed by all of the debuting competitors we’ve seen tonight. We’ll be seeing more of both Annie Logan and Johnny Levy before the night is over!

SWINDLE SHELLDRAKE, ANNIE LOGAN, AND JOHNNY LEVY ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - SERRANO POBLANO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

Our next stop is The Escape Game, where two competitors have been locked in an escape room where they must cooperate to succeed before their opponents. In one room, themed like the inside of a space shuttle, are the two members of Phantom Troupe, DJ Hunter and Kyle Valentine. As the pair attempt to solve the puzzles necessary to escape the room and claim two of the golden tickets, we get a glimpse at their opponents, who are locked in a room with a rustic cabin theme. Inside the room is none other than Big Match John Blade and one of his many random chicks.

RANDOM CHICK: Oh John, it’s so romantic being locked inside of this room with you. I’ve missed you so much.

JOHN BLADE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Check that libido little momma. We can’t play house until I’ve taken care of business, Doctor of Thuganomics style.

RANDOM CHICK: But John...me so horny…

JOHN BLADE: Then start solving this riddle and Big Match John will give you a reward.

He unfolds a piece of paper to read the first clue they’ve been given out loud.

JOHN BLADE: It says, “What kind of key do you use on Thanksgiving”. I like to drop my post-meal beats in D Minor, but I don’t see a beat box anywhere in here.

As we see a stuffed turkey leering over John’s shoulder, we go across the hallway to look in on the other escape room...

KYLE VALENTINE: I can’t believe we’re stuck in here trying to solve riddles. We trained for a fight, not a game show!

DJ HUNTER: I know, but we’ve got to focus. We could have some really brilliant opponents locked up in the other room, so there’s no time to waste. Our clue was, “What is more useful when it’s broken”, so look around and think about what that could be.

Kyle steps back for a moment, looking around the makeshift space shuttle for something that makes sense. He finally notices an alien egg incubating inside of a machine and rushes toward it. With a hard punch, he shatters the egg, revealing their second clue inside of it.

KYLE VALENTINE: Got it! Okay...the next one says, “I can be thin but not fat. You need me around, but I promise not to crowd you. Some people use a lot of me, especially if they talk too much”. What the hell?

DJ HUNTER: Wait, wait...I know this one…

DJ presses his eyes closed and concentrates, doing his best to remember his time in grade school. Finally, his eyes shoot back open and he points across the room.

DJ HUNTER: Air! The answer is air! Quick, check the airlock!

Kyle sprints to the circular hatch DJ is pointing at and flings it open, finding their third clue taped on the inside of it.

KYLE VALENTINE: “Mr. Blue lives in a blue house, Mrs. Pink lives in a pink house and Mr. Red lives in a red house. Who lives in the White House?”

DJ HUNTER: Duh. It’s the orange guy.

KYLE VALENTINE: No, that was last year. It’s Joe Biden now, and the shuttle has a picture of him on the wall!

Kyle quickly grabs the president’s picture off the wall and flips it around, successfully finding the number code that will allow them to open their door. With that discovery, they enter the code to exit the escape room and then grab two of the three tickets hanging in the hallway. Meanwhile, across the hallway in the other escape room, Big Match John is growing increasingly frustrated with his situation.

JOHN BLADE: I’m used to busting rhymes not solving crimes!

He turns to punch the nearest object out of frustration, which just so happens to be one of the many hunting trophies in the cabin-like room. He hits the stuffed turkey with such force that its head flies across the room, leaving only a rolled up piece of paper sticking out of its neck.

RANDOM CHICK: Look baby! It’s your next clue!

JOHN BLADE: Yeah, I meant to do that.

He grabs the paper and unrolls it, reading his next clue out loud.

JOHN BLADE: “I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?” Damn your mysterious ways, escape room!

He crumples up the paper and throws it into the nearby fireplace as Random Chick looks at him with a pouting face.

RANDOM CHICK: C’mon baby. Why don’t you just light a fire for us so we can get more comfortable.

JOHN BLADE: Ruck Fules! I might as well…

Big Match John goes to start a fire, but that’s when he notices a series of numbers written on the mantle. Figuring it’s worth a try, he enters the numbers into their door, causing it to open. Random Chick gives him a supportive smile in response.

RANDOM CHICK: You did it, baby! You’re sexy and smart!

JOHN BLADE: You know it, girl. There’s only one problem. There’s only one ticket left out there, and that means one of us will have to stay behind. I think you know what that means.

RANDOM CHICK: I’m going to the next round?

JOHN BLADE: Nah, baby. It means you’re gonna keep your sweet ass here and Big Match John will be back in no time.

With that, John runs through the door of their room, leaving Random Chick behind as he advances to the next round.

TREY BOOKER: Well that was...different. We have three more competitors advancing to the next round, but unfortunately, John Blade’s girl will not be one of them.

J.T. PRICE: Did we just top the Purge with that one segment? Cause it kinda feels like it…

DJ HUNTER, KYLE VALENTINE, AND JOHN BLADE ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - JOHN BLADE’S RANDOM CHICK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

As brawls continue to break out in various stores throughout the Mall of America, we go to one of the last places where you would expect to see violence. Normally meant for moms and daughters to have a relaxing day out together, The Princess and Diva Spa has been selected as one of the many establishments where golden tickets have been hidden. Despite this, there isn’t a wild brawl taking place, as Diana, Malachite Minj, MYOJIN, and yes, even Rapture, are seated next to each other as they each receive a mani-pedi.

DIANA: This is so much fun! Dante was worried that this match would be super violent, but I’m having the time of my life!

MALACHITE MINJ: We all deserve to be pampered now and then, darling. Even that delicious looking pet rabbit of yours…

Minj eyes Francis like a wolf sizing up a lamb, but Diana doesn’t seem to notice as she scratches her pet rabbit between the ears.

RAPTURE: I admit, I walked in here expecting a fight. Instead I’ve found the perfect nail polish color to accentuate my collection of trench knives. There’s just one thing I don’t understand…

He turns to look at the reigning X-Factor Champion to his left.

RAPTURE: You’re the Shining Star...The Technical Aristocrat...you normally take matches so seriously. How are you staying so calm when we’re supposed to be fighting over golden tickets?

MYOJIN, who had been admiring the work done on their cuticles, slowly turns their head toward Rapture with a smile.

MYOJIN: Oh that? I suppose it’s because there was a ticket lying in my chair when I sat down.

The Shining Star rises from their salon chair, holding up the claimed ticket for the other three to see.

MYOJIN: Which means I’ve already advanced and there’s only two tickets left between the three of you. Best of luck!

With a smile and a wave, MYOJIN proceeds to exit the spa as Diana, Malachite, and Rapture slowly turn to look at one another. Monsieur Minj is the first to act, as he grabs a can of nearby hair spray and blasts its contents into Rapture’s eyes. As he screams and falls out of his chair, Diana looks at Malachite disappointingly.

DIANA: But we were having so much fun!

Minj ignores her sadness and dives out of his chair toward the bunny in her lap, but thankful Francis is able to scurry away. Very protective of her pet, Diana responds by giving Minj a hard knee to the face, before she then grabs a curling iron. The Energy Bunny dives at Minj with the weapon, but Malachite ducks and the burning hot metal connects with Rapture’s face instead. As he screams once again, Malachite kicks the iron out of Diana’s hands and then continues to spin before hitting Diana with his Hint of Minj corkscrew roundhouse.

With both opponents down and Francis the rabbit out of sight, Malachite begins pulling open various drawers at the salon stations, dumping their contents onto the floor. After tossing a drawer full of scissors to the ground, he finally finds the second golden ticket and is able to secure his advancement into the next round. As Minj leaves the scene, Rapture takes notice of the scissors spread out on the floor around him, and he grabs a pair in each hand. He gets back on his feet and rushes at Diana with dangerous intent, but she’s able to counter his charge with a hip toss that plants him upside down in one of the salon chairs.

DIANA: Bad man! No stabby!

With Rapture hanging upside down, Diana grabs a container of hot wax and pours it between his legs. The masked man screams for the third time in the match, before Diana connects with her Bunny Buzzsaw Kick to knock him unconscious. As Rapture sinks to the floor, Diana begins to look around for the final golden ticket. At that very moment, Francis hops back into the scene with that very ticket clutched between his teeth. Diana leans down to take the ticket from her pet and gives the rabbit a rewarding scratch between the ears.

TREY BOOKER: Another round down and three more have advanced! While I’m sure there’s a lot more violence to come, we’re really seeing the competitors rely on their cunning during this round!

J.T. PRICE: I thought this was supposed to be an even playing field, but it’s becoming clear that some of these guys are not the best when it comes to a battle of wits.

MYOJIN, MALACHITE MINJ, AND DIANA ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - RAPTURE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

Hot Topic, a fixture in nearly every mall across the continental United States. Perhaps even more common than the store itself, is the typical emo clerk standing behind the counter. Only this isn’t some random teenager but one of Proving Ground’s prized competitors, Percival Ratman Burque. As Papercut runs back and forth on the counter, Percy is flipping through a merchandise catalogue.

RATMAN: Ew...purge masks. We definitely don’t need those edgy things on Proving Ground...

Just then, Percy is interrupted as someone else walks into the store. With a badge on his chest and a billy club in his hand, it is none other than Officer Greyfield.

OFFICER GREYFIELD: Hey boy!

The crowd pops for the blatant Earl Boyde shoutout.

OFFICER GREYFIELD: You look like one of those emo skateboard punks who have been all over this mall! Time for your confession!

Greyfield points his nightstick in Percy’s direction, but before the Officer can follow up on his threats, he is struck from behind by the third match participant entering the store. Syndicate drives his elbow into the back of Greyfield’s skull, causing him to stumble forward through a rack of half-priced tee shirts.

SYNDICATE: Fucking mall cops…

The Legacy Champion proceeds to stomp and kick at Greyfield, who’s tangled up in the mess of tee shirts and is having difficulty defending himself. Seeing this transpire, Percival decides it would be better to avoid the fight completely and search out one of the golden tickets. Just as he’s walking out from behind the counter however, a pair of large men corner him, both wearing official Hot Topic employee badges. Upon further examination of the two men, longtime viewers of Project: Honor also recognize them as former competitors in the inaugural Tag Team Title Tournament, The AV Club’s Ambrosius and Valentine.

VALENTINE: Well, well...what do we have here?

AMBROSIUS: Looks like a poser to me. I hate posers.

Percival looks back and forth between the two men, slightly confused.

RATMAN: I agree. Posers are the worst. Also, what’s a poser?

Without answering, the two members of The American Vampire Club grab hold of Burque and hurl him across the store into a large display of Funko Pop vinyl figures, bringing the entire thing crashing down on top of him. Meanwhile, Greyfield has managed to get back on his feet and he slams his billy club against Syndicate’s ribs. He goes for another swing, but Syndicate is able to hook Greyfield’s arm and then drop backwards, driving him onto the floor face first with a Downward Spiral. He then takes a running start before leaping onto the checkout counter and then diving back off with a double clothesline that takes both Ambrosius and Valentine to the floor. It looks as if Syndicate has things well in hand as he begins to search for a golden ticket, as Percival Burque tries to free himself from the pile of Pop boxes.

Syndicate finally spots a ticket, but it has been placed near the ceiling with a rack of faux leather mini-skirts. He grabs the nearby hooked pole and starts trying to snag the ticket, when suddenly Percival Burque leaps from the checkout counter onto the Legacy Champion’s shoulders. Syndicate is momentarily surprised, but that doesn’t stop him from removing The Ratman with an Elevator Drop. Syndicate then grabs the pole again and looks back to the ceiling, only to see that the ticket is gone. He looks back down at Percival, who is crawling toward the exit with the golden ticket clutched in his hand.

SYNDICATE: No! Son of a...

RATMAN: Run, Papercut, run!

Syndicate throws the pole down in frustration, but before he can start searching for a different ticket, he’s hit from behind by both members of the AV Club. Ambrosius lifts Syndicate up for a back suplex, and Valentine hits a neckbreaker, as the pair successfully stun the Legacy Champ.

OFFICER GREYFIELD: Hey punks!

The two men turn to see Officer Greyfield pointing his nightstick in their direction.

OFFICER GREYFIELD: If there’s one thing I hate more than emo skateboarders, it’s vampire clerks!

Greyfield slams his nightstick against Ambrosius’ jaw and then drives it into Valentine’s stomach. He continues to take turns battering both men until they have been knocked down, at which point he turns his attention toward the cash register.

OFFICER GREYFIELD: I bet this is where you keep your blood money!

He opens the cash register and begins stuffing bills into his pockets, when he notices a golden ticket has been placed alongside the twenties. With a smile, Greyfield grabs the ticket along with the rest of the cash and even the Hot Cash coupons, securing his spot in the next round. With Greyfield leaving the store, Ambrosius and Valentine slowly get back to their feet when Syndicate leaps back into the picture. He hits Ambrosius with his Original Syn knee strike, then turns to grab hold of Valentine so he can execute the Catalyst DDT.

Once again, both of the vampire wrestlers/Hot Topic clerks are out of commission, and Syndicate is free to seek out the final ticket. After checking a few displays of Nightmare Before Christmas merch, he grabs hold of an edgy jewelry rack and gives it a spin. A golden ticket flashes before his eyes, and the Legacy Champion finally reaches out to claim it, capturing his last chance to advance.

SYNDICATE: Fucking Proving Ground...and they say Fallout is bad...

TREY BOOKER: And there you have it! Three more tickets claimed and three more competitors to watch out for in the next round!

J.T. PRICE: From what I’m hearing, there’s only one more section of the mall left, which means three more tickets and three more winners!

PERCIVAL BURQUE, OFFICER GREYFIELD, AND SYNDICATE ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - THE AV CLUB HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED

A brawl between the newcomer, Douglas Crane, and the former King of Fallout, Jason Long, is already underway when we switch scenes. In such confined quarters, Crane has been able to get the better of Long with his size and strength advantage. He tosses Jason into a full-length mirror and tries to follow up with a headbutt, but Long slides down and Crane’s head smashes into the glass.

While the Project: Honor rookie is stunned, Lil’ Petey springs into action by taking Jason off his feet with a two-handed faceslam. Dripping in swag from various stores in the mall, most of which still have price tags hanging from them, Petey then hits a sidekick to Crane’s midsection before attempting to follow up with a DDT. Instead, Douglas lifts the tag champion off his feet and then drops him over his knee with a Manhattan Drop. Petey clutches himself in pain as Douglas grabs him by the head and throws him into a nearby chair. Then, without giving a word of warning, Crane grabs hold of a piercing gun.

LIL’ PETEY: Hold up, bro! I’m not sure I feel that vibe!

Thankfully the camera’s view is obscured by Crane’s body, but we can still tell that he’s aiming the gun below Petey’s belt. Douglas then pulls the trigger with a loud clack, immediately followed by a shriek of pain from The Drip Sensation. As Crane wanders away in search of a ticket, we can see that a Prince Albert has been applied directly through Petey’s pants, leaving us unaware of how much skin contact was made.

Spotting his ticket amongst the nearby display of body jewelry, Douglas Crane becomes the first competitor in this section to advance. As he exits the scene, Lil’ Petey pulls himself out of the chair with a shocked expression as he looks down at his crotch region. Before he can comment, he’s suddenly hit by a superkick from out of nowhere, as Jason Long has returned to the fight! After dropping Petey, Jason moves from the piercing area into a tattoo station, and the first thing he does is kick over the large trash can sitting by the door. The can falls over with a thud and the lid rolls away, revealing Noah Hope stuffed inside of the makeshift hiding spot.

JASON LONG: Hey there, Noah. You’re not a golden ticket but I’m not complaining…

Jason reaches down to grab Noah by the throat and proceeds to pull him out of the trash bin. He then shoves Noah onto the table before picking up a tattoo gun…

NOAH HOPE: Hold on now, Jason. Let’s let bygones be bygones...no need to do anything drastic…

Despite Noah’s best efforts at pleading for mercy, Jason only smiles as he activates the tattoo gun and pushes it toward Noah’s bare chest. Meanwhile, Lil’ Petey has staggered out of the piercing area, holding his groin with one hand and his jaw with the other. Spying a mini-fridge under a nearby counter, he pulls open the door to retrieve a bag of ice for his aching genital region. Much to his surprise, he also spies a golden ticket placed neatly alongside the ice packs. As the screams of Noah Hope ring out from the back of the store, Petey grabs the ice and the ticket, before making his way out of the store on his way to round two.

Moments later, Jason Long steps out of the tattoo station and pauses to examine the various tattoo designs on the wall. With a smile, he reaches out to grab the last golden ticket that has been hidden among them, bringing the first round of the match to a close. Then, seconds after Jason has departed, Noah Hope staggers into view, a crudely drawn tattoo of a limp penis carved into his chest.

TREY BOOKER: Round one is officially over as all thirty tickets have been claimed! Those competitors will now move on to round two, where they’ll be fighting for actual prizes!

J.T. PRICE: And in the process of advancing, Petey got pierced and Noah got a petey tattoo. Remind me never to piss off Jason Long or Douglas Crane...

DOUGLAS CRANE, LIL’ PETEY, AND JASON LONG ADVANCED TO THE SECOND ROUND - NOAH HOPE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED

While mayhem ensues at the Mall of America, Lil Petey and TJ Thompson decided to do a little shopping and make their Big Drip even greater. Petey walks into the Gucci store with TJ following right beside him. With no employees in the story, Petey looks around and in his head, he starts planning something absolutely devious.

LIL PETEY: Bruhhhhh let’s hit a lick. We finna be DRIPPIN’ like never before once we’re done here.

TJ THOMPSON: Facts! That shit’s gonna get destroyed anyway once the brawl gets in there. We’re doing a good thing up in here!

LIL PETEY: Yeah, we’re being great citizens and even better supporters of Gucci! What better way to protect the merch than taking it for ourselves and then giving them the clout we got. Instead of all the shit getting burnt or whatever the fuck is going on out there!

TJ THOMPSON: It’s like making a donation to charity! But the charity is us. We’re a better cause than charity, right bro?

LIL PETEY: It’s like you’re taking the words right out of my mouth, fam! We gotta be sure to stow away the really good shit in case someone decides to fuck on us and catch us off guard, though!

TJ THOMPSON: Hell yeah, this drip’s gotta be protected from those animals!

Gerald the Giraffe is seen in the background looking irritated.

TJ THOMPSON: Not you, Gerald.

LIL PETEY: Yeah don’t worry, my long necked friend. We would never speak ill of your name! Do us a favor though and start stampeding through these hoes.

Gerald makes some giraffe noises.

TJ THOMPSON: What do you mean safety?!? What’s safer than protecting the boys?!?

LIL PETEY: Come on Gerald! Take one for the team, man. We been treatin’ you to all these Gerald Snacks, you gotta repay us somehow!

Gerald sighs and reluctantly walks off.

TJ THOMPSON: Aight, let’s get started!

The boys start taking clothes off the shelves. Petey snags a couple fanny packs, a belt with the Gucci logo for the buckle and then some other various clothes.

LIL PETEY: SHEEEEESHHHH I FEEL THE DRIP BABY!

TJ THOMPSON: Ayo, speaking of drip, did you get anyone to join the squad?!?

LIL PETEY: Oh shit I almost forgot about that. You put some drip in front of me and I get distracted, you feel me?

TJ snaps his finger at Petey to get his attention.

LIL PETEY: Alright, alright, fam. So that pimpin’ motherfucker Julius is on our side since the boy and I got these tag straps to defend. I also tweeted bestie Savannah and she’s made the decision to join us also! So we’re up to four BIG DRIPPIN’ mother fuckers and I got a few more to reach out to.

Petey pulls out his cellular device and starts scrolling through his contacts.

LIL PETEY: Nah. Too little drip. Ugly. Shitty vibes. OH! What you think? Big Drippin’ or nah?

Flashing his phone right in TJ’s face, Petey shows off a name of interest.

TJ THOMPSON: Ayo, you sure he’s not gonna murder us?!? Don’t you remember that man bitching us out like a million times?

LIL PETEY: I also remember him throwing me into the crowd, but that was fuckin’ awesome! I don’t know, it’s worth a shot. He’s one of the biggest, baddest mother fuckers around!

TJ THOMPSON: How do you even have his number?!?

LIL PETEY: You didn’t get the employee directory when you were hired? I got everyone’s number! See?

Petey shows TJ all the Project: Honor contacts in his phone, but they’re not the actual names. Just random nicknames Petey gave everyone so that he can remember who they are.

TJ THOMPSON: I think I can guess who Garden Gnome is. Bro, if I had everyone’s number I’d be prank calling my opponents 24/7! I didn’t even know Ozy had a phone! I thought the boy lived in the woods!

LIL PETEY: Shiiiiit I didn’t either, but let’s give him a ring-

Instead of clicking on the name, ‘Tentacle Man’, Petey had clicked on ‘Pale MF’ and the phone started ringing.

LIL PETEY: Fuck I think this is that pale drippin’ dude. What’s his name again?

The phone continues to ring.

TJ THOMPSON: It’s that 🅱️yojin dude!

LIL PETEY: Oh shit they’d be dope to have on our side too. Don’t they have like the most wins in the company or some shit?? I know they’ve been here since day one like me!

TJ THOMPSON: Damn, look at the differences…anywaaaay…let’s try the homie anyway!

MYOJIN scrolls through an aisle, the X-Factor Championship wrapped around their waist as they go to pick out a few pairs of shades with a smirk, before turning over to see… Lil Petey and TJ Thompson- briefly blinking with confusion.

MYOJIN: ..You two need anything, or-?

LIL PETEY: Bruh you couldn’t just answer the phone? You had to make an entrance?

Unamused, MYOJIN stands there waiting for Petey and TJ to get to the point already.

LIL PETEY: Iight look, I’m sure you know what we’re up to at this point and we thought it’d be so dope if you joined Big Drip Productions and help us take down True Society.

TJ THOMPSON: Yeah those dicks are a threat to my Gerald. And uh, the rest of the place too I guess.

LIL PETEY: It wouldn’t be super permanent, just long enough for us to take down the chode guzzlers and restore Project: Honor to what it should be!

TJ THOMPSON: You’re drippin’, we’re drippin’, it’s meant to be!

LIL PETEY: Andddd, you and I have been here since the very beginning of this place. Wouldn’t you want to defend that?!

MYOJIN stands there as they contemplate the proposal that was just made.

LIL PETEY: Soo....

MYŌJIN raises a hand to shush Petey with an unreadable look on their face. They then pull out their phone and begin scrolling through it for a few moments while in the thought. The blonde then looks up at Petey, taking an annoyed deep breath.

MYOJIN: Looks like my schedule seems to be clear for a while… and since no one can seem to take this belt off of me, sure. Fuck it, I’ll join.

TJ and Petey start jumping up and down in celebration of MYOJIN joining Big Drip Productions. Before they could notice, MYOJIN had already left to get back to the mayhem that was taking place outside of the Gucci doors. Both Big Drip boys stopped and looked around, trying to find them.

MYOJIN: Those two are strange as hell...

LIL PETEY: Well shit, I guess they didn’t wanna celebrate with us. Anywhore, who’s next? Let’s get one more before we go back to hell out there.

TJ THOMPSON: You scrolled past someone’s name earlier, but I don’t know if he’d join or not…

LIL PETEY: It’s like you’re reading my fucking mind, broseph!

Petey clicks the dial button and Charlie the Druggie Monkey comes swinging in from the ceiling and lands on the counter next to the register. He tries to open the drawer, but it’s locked. Since he couldn’t get it open, he got pissed off and started beating it up, then started screaming while swinging from the ceiling again. The phone continues to ring until a female voice is heard on the other side of the phone. Petey puts the phone on speaker so both him and TJ could listen and talk.

MEREDITH: The dawn of a New World rises before us, a moment we have worked so hard for, toiled for. We are at the precipice of something greater than ourselves, something monstrous, something-

RING RING!

RING RING!

MEREDITH: Uh, is someone going to answer that?

Jumping from the Mall to what appears to be an underground cave somewhere beneath the Mall of America, we find Meredith Agnar giving a pep talk to her followers, flanked by the Grand Champion, Ozymandias. The sour look of disdain on her face is evident, as she scans their temporary base of operations. Reluctantly, a follower lifts the phone from their pocket, and cuts the call.

MEREDITH: As I was saying, now we stand before the rising of a new power, the emergence of a God that this world had-

RING RING!

RING RING!

Ozymandias steps forward, motioning to the follower.

MEREDITH: Answer it, and pray this call saves your life.

The follower slowly answers the call, listens to the first few words to come from the speaker, then quickly hands it to Meredith. She and Ozymandias eye the follower curiously, before the loudspeaker mode is activated.

LIL PETEY: Ayy, what’s up fish friends! Listen, I don’t normally do this, and I know this might get me the Butcher’s hands, but we’re in a tight bind here.

TJ THOMPSON: Ozy, my man, my nightmare, don’t yeet this phone just yet, hear us out. The mayhem of the American Mall is looming, and none of us are safe… we have a proposal.

Meredith and Ozymandias exchange a glance, before Meredith looks back to the phone in her hand.

MEREDITH: You have thirty seconds.

LIL PETEY: Tha’s wassup! OK, you probably wont say yes, and you probably already want us dead, and you probably think we’re idiots, and you probably thin-

TJ THOMPSON: Ozy, we want to team up. Big Drip will watch your back ‘til the end bro, and you watch ours from the start. No tricks, no schemes, just Big Drip helping you and you helping us… whaddya say, Drip Daddio?

MEREDITH: ...Drip Daddio?

LIL PETEY: Face facts Butch, everyone who is anyone is gunning for your head this fight. Shit even Mr. Legacy is less feared than the big bad Squid Daddy. Having BDP at your back is a good offer, and in return you don’t kill us… interested?

Meredith hands the phone to a follower, so that she and Ozymandias can walk away out of earshot. A quick exchange later and they return.

MEREDITH: This proposal intrigues us… however know this, Big Oozin’ Boys or whatever your names are. This pact will be signed in blood… and if you cross Ozymandias, then your Grand Champion will be owed. And you do not want to be in his debt.

Silence...but then;

LIL PETEY: So you’re saying it's a deal?

MEREDITH: It's a deal. You will guard your Champion, and in turn he will turn his attention elsewhere. His focus is not to win, but to bring ruin. Do not be on the wrong side of his warpath.

Meredith takes the phone, the loud cheerful joyous screams of the Big Drip members on the other end.

TJ THOMPSON: Drip Daddio! I knew you’d come through bro, I knew you’d-

And with one swift motion, Ozymandias takes the cellphone, and crushes it in one hand. He drops the wreckage to the floor, and we cut back to the interior of the mall.

LIL PETEY: Huh, they must have lost signal. Shit don’t they live at the North Pole or summthin??


Douglas Crane is walking down the mall, awaiting the next round to begin when he notices the mall Santa has already set up shop even though we’re still in the middle of Thanksgiving weekend. It would seem that Pat the Postman’s earlier shift has ended, as the current Santa is obviously a different man behind the beard. Crane stops and begins to argue with himself.

Crane: No, absolutely not, we are not here for that. NO! We talked about this, no kiddie stuff, we’re here with a purpose, with a mission, we need to focus on winning this event.

He starts to walk away but the struggle continues, his right leg fighting with his left leg about which way to go.

Crane: OK FINE! You just tell him what you want and we get back to business, got it? Good.

Douglas Crane tries to clean himself up a bit after the battle he has had so far as he makes his way towards Santa’s Workshop. The elf attendant on duty tries to tell him they’re all booked up for the night but Crane grabs him by his face and shoves him out of the way. You see a bunch of “Karens” complaining that their kids were next and even a little kid tries to come over to kick him but catches a glimpse of Crane’s blue eyes and immediately stops, turning back around and running away, crying to his mommy. Crane walks up to Santa who just finished up with a little girl and then looks up at the clearly unstable man in front of him.

Crane: We need to talk.

Santa: Um, sure son. Do-do I know you?

Crane: You should, don’t you watch me when I’m sleeping and know when I’m awake?

Santa: Um, yes, of course. How can I help you son?

Crane: I, we… us… She needs to tell you what she wants for Christmas.

Santa: Um, who?

Crane: She.

Santa: She who? Your daughter? Little sister?

Crane: Me.

Santa: Um, what?

Crane: Us.

Santa: I am so confused, *mumbles* I should have stuck to Easter and being the damn bunny.

Crane: LOOK SANTA! We don’t have much time. She just wants to tell you what she wants for Christmas, then we’ll be on our way.

Santa: OK sure, where is she?

Crane: It’s complicated. I will just tell you on her behalf.

Santa: Alright fine! What is it?

Crane moves towards Santa and he throws his arms up in fear but Crane swats them away and proceeds to sit on Santa’s lap.

Santa: Sir, this is too weird, I -

Crane: Shut up. What we would like for Christmas is the Warrior Rising championship.

Santa: What in the gingerbread houses is that?

Crane: It is a wrestling championship title for people like us. Can you get it for me? Her?

Santa: What I don’t even know how to-

Crane: Look, we will settle for a shot at it, can you do this for us or not Santa?!

Santa, fearing what this nutcase may do if he doesn’t say yes, decides to oblige.

Santa: Of course my dear, a Warrior Rising Title shot for Christmas. No problem!

Crane: Thank you.

Crane gets up and starts to walk away, looking to get to the next round of the event when he hears Santa as he mumbles:

Santa: What a fucking psycho.

Crane stops, turns and looks at Santa with his piercing blue eyes. Santa realizes he’s been caught and jumps to his feet looking to make a quick getaway but Crane kicks his fake gut, causing him to double over. He then spins him around and hooks him in his ‘release me’ standing cobra clutch! Doesn’t take much for Santa to go to sleep and Crane after a few more seconds ‘releases him’, letting him drop on top of some fake presents. He walks away and begins arguing with himself again.

Crane: Oh stop, he’s not even the real santa.


Victoria's Secret is probably the safest place to be in the middle of this MALL and its MAYHEM. There are all kinds of sounds that can be heard and they are likely of people that should be seeing doctors or on their way to the hospital. It's a jungle out there.

Here, though, Victoria's Secret has become the latest headquarters for one Archimedes J. Manson.

The Hilarious One stands up from behind his PINK Wall of defense to take a gander out of the glass of the storefront. He's rocking some belts criss-crossed over his chest, mini-perfumes layered in like bullets. He's rocking a bra on his head because of course he is and he's armed with a D-Cup Slingshot.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm huntin' Wabbits.

LIL PETEY: YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, NO CAP!

The familiar sound of Lil Petey’s voice is heard screaming out of the walls of Victoria’s Secret. He comes running into the store like his life depended on it and jumps behind the same wall that Archimedes is behind, completely unknowing that someone was even there. Shocked to see each other, they both scream like little girls, jump up and within a split second, Petey finds himself with a bra on his head courtesy of Archimedes.

LIL PETEY: Ayo, you scared the shit out of me, my dude. The hell you doin’ back here?

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Duckin and Coverin', mi amorigo! People are trying to KILL me! Oh and I guess everyone else too.

Archimedes takes a moment to reach over behind one of the counters and comes out with a shopping bag of stuff he's collected.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Also, they are having a panties sale again and I love these things.

LIL PETEY: Maybe I can snag a few for my girl back home, if I even get to make it back there! Shit is insane out there. I almost had a ball bearing stapled to my unit!

Lil Petey throws down a shopping bag that he pulled out of nowhere in front of Archie full of stuff he’s been collecting also.

LIL PETEY: We had the same idea, too! Except I was picking apart Spencers and found some of these weird toys that I’m not quite sure what they do yet...

Archimedes does a double take at Petey's Shopping Bag.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Not bad, Padawan Petey. But you have much left to learn about The Way of the Looti.

Archimedes points over his shoulder to the back of the store where there is a huge pile of stuff from every store in this damn mall.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: I have no idea how I'm going to get it all out of here but…

Suddenly, Petey pulls out a remote from behind the counter and presses a button on it. A random door opens and a massive light shines from it.

LIL PETEY: I present to you… my goofy friend… the stash of all stashes. The loot of all looti. Anything that matters is in this very room. I can tell by the drool coming from your mouth that you want to take a look, you wanna lead the way homie?

Archimedes J. Manson just stares. And gawks. And agapes. And a few other words that mean the same thing. There's also a puddle of drool that has collected into one of the d-cups below. What.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Son of a Brachiosaurus!

Archimedes reaches onto his horribly thrown together outfit and grabs the Fisher Price Walkie Talkie that he's using to communicate with his people.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Mz. Frizzelle. I'm going on a shopabout with Petey McPan. Come get my stuff. Over.

And then Archimedes J. Manson just SWAN DIVES into the Stash of all Stashes room.

LIL PETEY: Atta boy. Oh shi-

Petey hears an explosion or maybe just a scream, he’s not really sure what’s going on outside. To prepare for absolute carnage, he pulls out the cellular device and makes an emergency phone call.

LIL PETEY: AYE IMMA NEED Y’ALL TO GET MY SHIT NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! I’LL BE HIDING. PETEY OUT!

All of a sudden, a chopper shows up above the mall and reaches down to pull some of the loot of all looti out while Archie continues to swim through the various things in the wondrous room of wonders.

LIL PETEY: Oh hell, why not?! MAKE WAY… INCOMING!

Petey decides to swan dive into the loot also, except instead of it being as glorious as Archie’s, Petey dives head first into the floor and knocks himself out for a solid minute.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Don't you die on me, Soldier! Don't you die on me!

Archimedes J. Manson has moved on to dragging Private Petey through the next store over and that's a damn Gamestop.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Ooooh. PS5. Hold on.

There's a few moments where Archie takes to focusing on loading up on some next generation gaming to make sure that everything is all good to go for when he eventually survives this terrifying MALL of MAYHEM. And as soon as that stuff is looted and sent through his pocket dimension, he's back to dragging Petey to safety.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: WAKE UP!

LIL PETEY: NO! SHIT!

With all the mayhem and looting that’s going on, Petey found himself in Dreamland USA and is trying to knock himself back out again.

LIL PETEY: I WAS GETTING THE SLOPPY TOPPY NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Archie grabs a hold of Petey by the shoulders and starts shaking him like you would a vending machine that won’t give you the snack you just paid for.

LIL PETEY: Okay, did I win yet?

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Nyet! But we're working on it. Here...

Archie unleashes a pile of POWER UP candy and juices that he has stolen from the Gamestop counters. There is a lot of candy. Sugar Rush Mode activate.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: But I'm getting the feeling that if we don't actually make SOME sense here pretty soon, somebody's going to cut to commercial. For YOGURT.

Opening up the POWER UP candy wrapper, Petey tosses a few into his mouth and almost spits it out when Archie mentions a yogurt commercial. He’s able to keep his composure and finish consuming the energy and then reacts to such an absurd suggestion.

LIL PETEY: Not a commercial for yogurt?! Well now that you mention that let’s get down to business, my hilarious friend. You know about Big Drip Productions yet?

Archimedes J. Manson looks up from the book he's reading. It says: The History of Big Drip Productions on the cover.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: A little!

Confused at where the hell Archie got a book about the drippin’ trio, Petey snaps back to focus and begins his next train of thought.

LIL PETEY: Gimme the spark notes recap. And… go!

Archimedes does a double blink and tosses the dust cover of the book away.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: What? I was just hiding my nudie magazine. You tell me! You're the Drippy One!

LIL PETEY: Long story short, the boys and I are recruiting only the drippiest of our friends to join us in defending the business from those cult-loving, dirty ass True Society hoes. Why not add the looney homie to the group? Whatchu say, dawg?

Archie just kind of stares at Petey because he doesn't understand any of this. There's even a squint like he's a meme or a gif or something.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Two questions. QUESTION ONE!

Archie pulls out a Game Show Host card. From where? Don't ask. Even he doesn't know.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: WILL THERE BE HOT BABES?!

Petey looks at Archie like he’s stupid or something, like of course there’s gonna be hot babes. That was all said in just his look.

LIL PETEY: Broski, do you even know me? Of course there’s going to be hot babes. They don’t call me the Big Booty Bandit for nothing! They don’t call me the MILF Hunter for nothing! NEXT QUESTION!

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: NOICE!

Archie straightens himself up after that declaration.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: FINAL QUESTION! Do we get cool matching jackets with little thingies on them for our nicknames or whatever because I really want one of those super bad!

A moment of silence happens between the two as Petey considers Archie’s question. Then he remembers he doesn’t give a fuck what people think and starts nodding his head uncontrollably.

LIL PETEY: Why the fuck not? We are BIG DRIP PRODUCTIONS! We stay drippin’, dawg!

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: Then slap me around and call me a Rocky Balboa Training session. I'm in!

The two engage in one of the slowest high-fives in the history of slow motion. By the time they finally clap each other- wait, no that doesn’t sound right. By the time the clap- no, that doesn’t either. Anyways, they finally high-five. Moving on.

LIL PETEY: LET’S GO MY AFRO FRIEND! Let’s find TJ and maybe, just maybe, we can survive this shit so that we can go loot diving again!

Archimedes J. Manson hops up to his feet, reaching toward the wall to grab off some sort of, what is this shit, a Minecraft Pickaxe? A foam one? Ah well.

ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON: FOR NARNIA!

And this is the part where Archie pulls a Leroy Jenkins and just rushes out of the Gamestop! Taking a page out of Archie’s book, he also pulls a Leroy Jenkins, just not as magnificent as his newest Big Drip counterpart.


With a complex as massive as The Mall of America, it stands to reason that their security office is a well-equipped location to serve as tonight’s command center for Proving Ground’s General Manager, Indy Darling. With a wall of monitors spread out in front of him and The Problem Solver, Mason Kane, by his side, Indy looks from one screen to another, trying to keep track of everything that’s happening across the four levels of capitalistic carnage. As he watches, a rather nervous looking man in a suit and tie approaches him. The middle-aged man has a thinning hairline, which isn’t getting any better as he constantly wipes away beads of sweat from his forehead.

MALL MANAGER: This...this is just too much...

Indy shrugs his shoulders.

INDY DARLING: Actually, it’s not that bad. You should have seen the shit going down in Whalen last night.

MALL MANAGER: No! I mean...the violence is one thing...but the property damage! We’re already looking at repair costs in the seven figure range!

INDY DARLING: That seems a bit overly dramatic. I mean, that aquarium can’t be cheap but still…

The three men continue to watch the monitors, and upon one of them, we see Archimedes J. Manson run across the screen with a Minecraft pickaxe in his hands. He is soon followed by Lil’ Petey, who is dressed to the nines in stolen swag.

MALL MANAGER: We can’t handle this kind of liability. It’s gone too far and we need to call off the event immediately!

INDY DARLING: Ha! As if! Do you want to go out there and tell those maniacs that they have to leave before the prizes have been handed out?

On another monitor, we see that Gerald the Giraffe has occupied the Shake Shack, and he currently has his head bent down as far as possible so that he can eat directly out of a shake machine.

MALL MANAGER: I demand to see Rock Johnson immediately! He promised to cover the cost of all damages, but I haven’t seen him all night! If he goes back on his word, I swear I’ll murder him in cold blood!

INDY DARLING: Yeah, right. Get in line. Although I admit, it is odd that we haven’t seen him. He’s not always the most responsible guy, but it’s not like him to miss a marquee show like this.

Switching to yet another screen on the wall of monitors, we catch a glimpse of Tara Fenix, who opted out of tonight’s contest to partake in some shopping instead. With several bags in her hands, it looks as if The Phoenix Queen has been enjoying herself.

MALL MANAGER: At least it can’t get any worse than it already has…

Indy Darling looks at the Mall Manager for a moment before turning to exchange a glance with Mason Kane. Just then, both the General Manager and Problem Solver burst into laughter. As they walk away while continuing to roar in response to the manager’s foolish assumption, we see Larry KaChow on one of the screens as he runs in terror from Jakeem Kobra’s 15 foot venomous serpent. On the other monitors, Havoc is wildly swinging his barbed wire baseball bat, Officer Greyfield rides by on a mall cop scooter, and Julius Fairweather knocks out a Nestle Cookie vendor before stuffing his pockets with handfuls of Double Dutch motherfuckers. Strangely enough, John Blade cannot be seen on any of the monitors...



TREY BOOKER: Ladies and gentlemen, it has already been a wild night and we’re not done yet! Thirty competitors are still active in the Mall Mayhem Match as we enter the second round!

J.T. PRICE: So it’s time to open the presents?

TREY BOOKER: Indeed it is, partner! I understand that the competitors have been divided into six separate locations and that each of those areas contains two prizes! When a competitor pins or submits an opponent, they will not only eliminate that person from competition, but they will also earn a mystery box and leave the competition as well! At the end of this round, one competitor from each of those six locations will remain to battle it out in the center court for the final prize of the night!

J.T. PRICE: Sounds like a convoluted mess, Trey. I can’t wait to see it!


One of the most desirable destinations for tourists and shoppers alike, is The Lego Store on the main level of the mall. It is also the destination for five competitors, as the battle for mystery prizes officially begins. The first one to come into view is Lil’ Petey, but not far behind him on a mall cop scooter is Officer Greyfield.

OFFICER GREYFIELD: You can’t outrun the law, shoplifter! I’m gonna confiscate all that swag!

LIL PETEY: Stop harshing my vibe, bro! Sheeeeeesh!

Petey dives for cover at the last second and it’s too late for Greyfield to swerve, as his scooter crashes into a full display of the latest Lego City products. While Greyfield may be incapacitated for the moment, Petey quickly discovers that he’s not out of danger as Jason Long grabs him by the head and flings him onto the Lego pieces that were scattered by the scooter crash. Among the wreckage of Legos, Petey picks up a giant Legoman head, stares at it, then at Jason Long, then back to the Lego head. With the events of the Purge still fresh in his mind and his mounting troubles at the hands of the True Society, the Best Bout Machine is in no mood to play games. He grabs Petey by the hair and presses his face into the Legos, dragging it back and forth as if he were scraping an opponent’s face across a steel cage.

Not far away, we see Casanova English and Jakeem Kobra trading blows, until the Warrior Rising Champion gets the upper hand by connecting with a blatant rake of the eyes. Casanova then takes Kobra down with a double leg hook, keeps hold of both his legs, and then falls backwards to catapult the silent Snake Charmer into a fully constructed Lego Death Star. As the space station crumbles to pieces under Jakeem’s weight, Casanova grabs a Millenium Falcon to smash over his head for good measure.

With Jason Long brutalizing Lil’ Petey, Officer Greyfield has had time to escape the mountain of Legos he crashed into, and he targets the former Prime Champion with a shot to the ribs with his nightstick. The blow puts Long on the defensive, but Greyfield does not let up as he continues to hit Jason’s lower back before finally cracking the billy club against the side of his head. As this is transpiring, Lil’ Petey pulls himself up and starts to climb the nearest wall of the open-roof store in an effort to buy himself some time. With Legos still stuck to his scraped up face, Petey successfully puts some distance between himself and the others.

Having left Jakeem buried under Star Wars Legos, Casanova charges at Officer Greyfield to hit him with a high knee from behind. The momentum sends Greyfield stumbling forward and his head slams through a Lego Portrait of Andy Warhol’s Marilyn Monroe. English then lifts Greyfield off his feet and drops him down with a back suplex, directly onto the Lego-covered floor. Stunned by the shots from Greyfield’s nightstick, Jason Long is still able to make it to his feet to see Petey attempting to climb to the top of the store. Not wanting to give an opponent the high ground, Jason rushes forward, grabs Petey by the ankles, and yanks him back down, dropping him onto a pile of loose Legos as well.

As Jakeem Kobra pounces on top of Petey in an attempt to lock on his clawhold, Jason decides to climb the wall for himself, quickly reaching the top edge of the store where various gigantic Lego displays have been built. Meanwhile, Casanova saves Petey from Jakeem’s finishing hold with a punt kick to the head of the Indian native. English then pulls Petey to his feet before executing a suplex that drops both men back onto the loose Lego pieces.

At the top of the store, Jason Long surveys everything around him and a twisted grin begins to form on his face. He makes his way to the enormous Lego Mech and presses his shoulder into it, trying to topple it with all of his weight behind him. Back below, Casanova and Petey spot the giant robot beginning to topple and waste no time in running for cover. Officer Greyfield and Jakeem Kobra are not so lucky however, as they are too busy exchanging punches to notice the looming shadow falling over them.

With a thunderous crash and an explosion of Lego pieces, the robotic mech crashes into the main floor of the Lego store, burying both Jakeem and Greyfield in the process. As Jason Long looks down at his handiwork from above, Lil’ Petey and Casanova English dive into the Lego pile to take advantage of the situation. Despite having done the damage, Jason cannot get back to floor level before Petey and English cover the two fallen competitors.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: Jakeem Kobra has been eliminated and Casanova English has claimed a mystery box!

While mere seconds later...

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: Officer Greyfield has been eliminated and Lil’ Petey has claimed a mystery box! Jason Long will now advance to the final round!

As Jason contemplates what could lie ahead for him and Casanova English snatches his prize box from the hands of an official, Lil’ Petey sits up on his knees and looks longingly at the box that has been placed in front of him. Not one to wait until Christmas morning, Petey begins to pull and tear at the package, desperate to discover what he’s won. He finally manages to pry the lid off of the box and peers inside. For a moment he is completely still until he finally reaches in with both hands...and retrieves the autographed Rock Johnson 8x10 photo that was inside.

TREY BOOKER: Petey can consider himself a winner tonight, but whether or not he appreciates an autographed photo of the company owner remains to be seen.

J.T. PRICE: I get the guy’s autograph every two weeks on my paycheck. I hope Casanova ends up with something a little more valuable…

TREY BOOKER: We’ll find out exactly what Casanova English has won in the post-show press conference, but as for Jason Long, the night isn’t over yet!


In one of the most surprising twists of the first round, Larry KaChow managed to advance and avoid any kind of physicality with his opponents. As he makes his way through the South Street Food Court, one can only wonder if his luck is about to run out. He nervously looks to one side and then the other, terrified at who or what may be around every corner. He slowly makes his way into Bubba Gump’s Shrimp, when Percival Burque suddenly leaps up from behind the counter and nearly gives Larry a heart attack.

RATMAN: Uncle Larry!

LARRY KACHOW: Burque?! Oh my god...I can’t believe I’m saying this...but I’m so relieved to see you!

RATMAN: It’s good to see you too, Uncle Larry! Papercut and I missed you at Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. I hope you got our invitation…

LARRY KACHOW: Oh...it...uh...must have gotten lost in the mail. What in the hell are you doing behind the counter in a server’s uniform?

RATMAN: Isn’t it nice? I found it in the back room. And Papa always says life is like a bag of thumbtacks, you never know where they’re gonna stick!

Larry has a confused look on his face for a few moments, before he finally shakes it off and comes up with a plan.

LARRY KACHOW: Whatever. Look, Burque. There are maniacs all over this place and most of them probably want to kill me. Can I count on you to protect me…

Then, right before Larry can finish his sentence, he’s hit from behind by a large canvas bag and knocked to the floor. Standing over him is Percival’s Papa, Rasputin, who begins to dump the bag’s contents onto Larry’s prone body, revealing them to be thumbtacks.

RASPUTIN: Now, boy! Get on that counter and jump on him while he’s down!

RATMAN: But...but Papa...that’s my Uncle Larry! He’s our friend!

Papercut crawls onto Percival’s shoulder and lets out a squeak. Then, before Rasputin can argue his case, he’s suddenly hit from behind with a ‘Please Wait To Be Seated’ sign by former child star, Johnny Levy! Percy’s Papa falls to the ground alongside Larry, as an expression of pure rage comes over The Ratman’s face.

RATMAN: You...hurt...my Papa!!!

Before Levy can protect himself, he nearly has the smirk wiped off his face as Percival springs over the counter and plants a kick to his head. The Ratman doesn’t stop there as he completely unloads on Levy with rights and lefts, forcing Mr. Box Office to cover up as he’s knocked backwards. As Burque continues to unleash his rage on Levy, Malachite Minj creeps into the scene with a smile on his face. Burque remains unaware as Minj crawls on top of Larry for a pin attempt…

ONE!
TWO!
NO!

Angelo Caito appears out of nowhere and pulls Monsieur Minj off of KaChow before hurling him over the counter. He then grabs a food tray and smacks it across Malachite’s head, breaking it in half. Angelo grabs hold of Minj and tries to whip him into the nearby soda machine, but Malachite is able to reverse it and Caito slams against the dispenser, spilling soda and ice all over himself and the floor.

Back in the dining area, Burque sets Levy up on one of the tables and then climbs on top of an adjacent table. He leaps off with a flying elbow drop, but Levy rolls out of the way at the last second and Burque crashes through the table and to the floor. Johnny then grabs the nearest chair and splinters it over Percy’s back for good measure. Levy has an opportunity to go for the pin, but when he catches a whiff of Ratman’s sewer-born odor, he instead chooses to move as far away from him as possible.

The brawl between Minj and Caito has spilled into the kitchen, quite literally as both competitors struggle to maintain their foot on the soda-covered floor. Caito stuns Minj with a few stiff forearms and then fires off a superkick, but he also tumbles to the floor in the process. Both competitors are still down when Johnny Levy enters the scene, and the struggling actor shows his sadistic side as he grabs a basket of fresh shrimp from the boiling deep fryer. He flings them toward Minj, who chooses to turn down a seafood meal for the first time by ducking underneath them. Instead they splatter against Angelo Caito, who lets out a scream when sprinkles of the hot oil connect with his skin. Minj then executes a spinning leg sweep that knocks Levy off his feet and sends his head crashing against the edge of the metal prep table, busting him open in the process.

Malachite then makes his way out of the kitchen and sets his eyes on Percival Burque as he leans down to check on Rasputin and KaChow.

RATMAN: So, we meet again, Cat Boy.

MALACHITE MINJ: Hello, Sewer Rat.

RATMAN: Don’t even think about trying to eat Papercut…

MALACHITE MINJ: Who, meow? I’m too purrfect to touch a filthy sewer rat, but for you I’ll make an exception!

Minj dives at Percy with his claws bared, but The Ratman is able to catch him by the wrists and turn his momentum into a monkey flip. As the two scramble for dominance, Larry KaChow slowly gets back to his feet and begins brushing thumbtacks off his shirt. While he’s distracted by removing the tacks, we see the bloody face of Johnny Levy creep up behind him. The Superstar immediately grabs Larry from behind, locking him in the sleeper hold he calls La La Land!

JOHNNY LEVY: Here’s Johnny!

RATMAN: Uncle Larry! No!

Percival dives forward in an attempt to help KaChow, but his efforts are in vain as Malachite grabs his leg and locks him in his Face the Mewsic kneebar! While Percival is too focused on Larry to give into the pain, KaChow is not so fortunate as he begins to fade into unconsciousness in the arms of Johnny Levy. Then, with KaChow incapacitated, Levy leaps forward and plants a stomp on Minj, breaking the hold and preventing Malachite from earning a prize. Minj kips up and takes a swing at Levy, but he’s able to duck underneath and fire back with a kick to the midsection. He quickly follows up with his Roll Credits pedigree to drive Malachite face first to the floor!

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: Malachite Minj has been eliminated and Johnny Levy has claimed a mystery box!

A huge smile is plastered across Johnny Levy’s face, and while he may have earned himself a pair of enemies in Malachite Minj and Percival Burque, he’s also earned himself a mystery prize. As Levy grabs his prize box from the official and begins to make his exit, Percival crawls over to the fallen Larry KaChow, laying on top of him as he quietly prays for his Uncle Larry’s swift recovery.

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

The referee reaches down to raise Burque’s hand and then shoves a prize box toward him, with the confused Ratman seemingly unaware that he’s just pinned KaChow by accident.

HOLLY PEREZ: Larry KaChow has been eliminated and Percival Burque has claimed a mystery box! Angelo Caito will now compete in the final round!

As a look of concern and regret comes over Percy’s face, we go back to Trey Booker and J.T. Price for their post-brawl comments.

TREY BOOKER: Thank god, Larry KaChow has been eliminated!

J.T. PRICE: Did Percy just save Christmas from Larry Claws?

TREY BOOKER: While I can’t answer that, I can confirm that the prizes obtained by both Johnny Levy and Percival Burque will be revealed during our post show press conference! As for Angelo Caito, he’ll have one more shot at the final mystery box in the Center Court!


Thankfully Archimedes J. Manson had already given up his makeshift fort in Victoria’s Secret before this round began, because with two prize boxes up for grabs, all hell has already broken loose. Despite being one of the newest members of the roster, LeeAnn Morgan has wasted no time in testing herself against the X-Factor Champion, laying a series of chops to MYOJIN’s chest. And while their appearance in a women’s lingerie store may be unusual, it has not stopped DJ Hunter and John Blade from making their presence known. Blade currently has Hunter pressed against the ground as he pulls back on both sides of an underwire bra that’s been wedged between DJ’s teeth.

Emmanuelle is present as well, proving to be DJ Hunter’s salvation as she plants a dropkick against John Blade that sends him sprawling backwards. Emmanuelle then grabs the bra from between DJ’s teeth and promptly wraps it around Blade’s neck, choking the very life out of him despite the ample padding. Desperate to escape, John lifts Emmanuelle onto his shoulders for the Attitude Adjustment, but the display table of bras and panties softens the impact. Meanwhile, MYOJIN turns the tables on LeeAnn Morgan, quite literally, as the Shining Star flips a display table of lotions and perfumes onto The Gypsy Rose, pinning her against the floor.

ONE!
TWO!
NO!

LeeAnn manages to get her shoulder up, but she remains trapped as MYOJIN presses down on the table with all their weight. It isn’t until John Blade tosses Emmanuelle into MYOJIN that LeeAnn finally has a chance to crawl free. She doesn’t get far however, as DJ Hunter runs forward and drops a big knee to the back of her head, pressing her face against the floor. When MYOJIN and Emmanuelle get back to their feet, they take a moment to glance at each other, before they exchange a nod of respect and turn back towards John Blade.

Big Match John finds himself outnumbered, as MYOJIN whips Emmanuelle towards him for an assisted meteora. Then, as soon as Emmy rolls to the side, The Shining Star leaps in with a double stomp to Blade’s chest. It’s clear that Gold and Platinum are on the same page as they pull John back to his feet and send him headfirst into the nearest wall. With a loud crunching sound, Blade’s head crashes through a changing room door, which is soon followed by a high pitched screech.

The door is shoved open with Blade’s head still stuck in it, and a topless woman runs out of the changing area while desperately trying to cover herself. This is enough to grab DJ Hunter’s attention, as he follows her escape with his head nearly turning 180 degrees. While he’s distracted, LeeAnn grabs a mannequin torso and slams it against the side of his face, dropping him to the floor. The Gypsy Rose turns back just in time to see Emmy and MYO charging for a double clothesline, which she is barely able to duck. Both of her attacks spin around to keep their eyes on her, but Morgan takes one of Emmy’s legs out from under her with a kick to the knee, while DJ Hunter grabs MYOJIN from behind with a roll up…

ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!

MYOJIN gets a shoulder up to stay in the fight just as Emmanuelle grabs hold of DJ Hunter to break up the pin. Spotting John Blade attempting to dislodge his head from the changing room door, LeeAnn Morgan gets a running start and helps knock his head loose with a hard running knee strike. Blade is momentarily stunned, which allows LeeAnn Morgan to go for her Dirt Road low blow! The move doubles Blade over and knocks all the bass from his voice, leaving him wide open for a cradle pin attempt…

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: John Blade has been eliminated and LeeAnn Morgan has claimed a mystery box!

LeeAnn raises one arm as she secures her mystery prize under the other, while John Blade struggles to recover from his painful elimination. This leaves only DJ Hunter, Emmanuelle, and MYOJIN, which is bad news for the member of Phantom Troupe as Gold and Platinum have shown no signs of turning against one another. As DJ and Emmy exchange strikes, MYOJIN grabs hold of the largest pair of panties they can find and pulls them tightly over Hunter’s head from behind. With his eyes covered by the letters PINK, DJ is defenseless as Emmanuelle leaps off the underwear display table to hit her Malibu Shine! Once Hunter is down, MYOJIN follows up with their Rainbow Star Press and stays on top for the cover!

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: DJ Hunter has been eliminated and MYOJIN has claimed a mystery box! Emmanuelle will now compete in the final round!

There is another nod of respect between the two as MYOJIN claims their mystery box, leaving us to wonder if Emmanuelle has given up the potential reward out of respect or because she believes a better prize awaits her in the final round. Unable to wait and find out with the rest of us, Emmy motions for MYOJIN to open their package, and The Shining Star gives a sly smile in response. It doesn’t take long for them to rip the package open and MYO digs their hand in the box to pull out...

...a discontinued Colton Saint tee shirt from ProjectHonorShop.com. While the look of disappointment on MYOJIN’s face is not hard to read, it’s even easier to read Emmanuelle’s face as she fails in holding back an amused smile.

TREY BOOKER: That...is not what I was expecting. I can’t imagine MYOJIN is thrilled to have a shirt that proudly displays the face of their old rival from Season One.

J.T. PRICE: Are you kidding me? That dude retired so I bet his shirts have gone up in value by at least ten percent!

TREY BOOKER: I don’t know if that’s a valid claim. I’m sure LeeAnn Morgan is hoping for more than a tee shirt in her mystery box, but we’ll have to wait until the press conference to find out! As for Emmanuelle, she’ll have one final shot at a mystery box before the night is over!


Ah, mini-golf. Fun for the entire family, adults and children of all ages. But as we join the action in progress, it does not look as if Annie Logan is having the best of times as Douglas Crane presses a putter against her throat. Nor is it a fun-filled evening for TJ Thompson, as he’s pressed over Constantine’s head with the big man threatening to throw him over the indoor waterfall to the shallow pool 3 stories below.

TJ THOMPSON: Bro, chill! I just stole this jacket and it’s pure suede!

Desperate to avoid getting his Gucci wet, TJ rakes the eyes of Constantine and then drops behind him to execute a chop block, bringing the big man down to one knee. Suddenly Havoc emerges with his barbed wire baseball bat in hand, taking a big swing at TJ, who ducks under the weapon at the last second. Instead, the bat cracks against the back of Constantine’s skull and the big rookie hits the ground like a ton of bricks.

Havoc takes another swing at TJ, but the Hip Beast rolls to his side, barely avoiding the blow. Hoping to protect himself, TJ reaches out to grab a discarded putter, and he brings it up with both hands just in time to block another swing of Havoc’s bat. TJ then scrambles to his feet and climbs up the fake rocks of Moose Mountain to put some distance between himself and the Prime Champion, but Havoc continues to advance.

TJ THOMPSON: It’s over, Havoc! I have the high ground! Don’t try it!

Completely ignoring TJ’s Star Wars reference, Havoc rushes forward with his bat anyway, taking a big swing at TJ’s legs. In response, TJ leaps into the air and performs a somersault, landing perfectly behind Havoc.

TJ THOMPSON: It actually worked! Sheeeeesh!

Unfortunately, TJ is too busy congratulating himself, as Havoc swings back around to plant the baseball bat against The Hip Beast’s midsection. The blow forces TJ to stagger backwards, when he trips over the prone body of Constantine, completely loses his balance, and tumbles over the edge of the waterfall.

TJ THOMPSON: Oh shit beeeeaaaannnnssssss... *distant splash*

With the member of Big Drip now three stories below him at the base of the waterfall, Havoc raises his bat and brings it back down over Constantine’s head just as he’s starting to stir. The Prime Champion then drops down to make the cover…

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: Constantine has been eliminated and Havoc has claimed a mystery box!

Tossing his bat to the side, Havoc greedily grabs his prize from the nearby official and does not hesitate in ripping it open. There is a momentary look of confusion on his face when he peers inside, but slowly he begins to form a sadistic smile. He reaches into the box and pulls out a framed display case containing a knife covered in dried blood. As Havoc begins to laugh, the camera picks up the words on the descriptive plate upon the case…

“The Knife that Killed Jason Long”

With his laughter growing, Havoc tucks his unusual prize under his arm and begins to exit the mini-golf course, his maniacal cackling continuing to echo through Moose Mountain even after he’s vanished.

Meanwhile, Annie Logan has managed to escape from Douglas Crane’s chokehold and has retrieved a putter of her own. With the odd man still stalking after her, she lines up a shot and takes a swing, planting a golf ball right between Crane’s eyes. The impact stuns him for a brief moment, but when Annie charges forward to press her attack by swinging the club in his direction, he ducks under the swing and quickly grabs her by the head with a cobra clutch…

DOUGLAS CRANE: Release Me! Release Me! Release Me!

Douglas Crane continues to crank on Annie Logan’s head as he screams until she eventually stops struggling. Crane then sinks to his knees with his unconscious opponent’s head resting on his lap, as the official awards him his mystery prize box.

HOLLY PEREZ: Annie Logan has been eliminated and Douglas Crane has claimed a mystery box! TJ Thompson will now compete in the final round!

TREY BOOKER: I have to admit, there’s a part of me that would have enjoyed seeing two psychos like Havoc and Crane going at it, but maybe that confrontation is better saved for another time.

J.T. PRICE: I wonder if Crane’s prize will be as dark as Havocs?

TREY BOOKER: I’m sure we’ll find out after the show, but for now, we can look forward to TJ Thompson entering the final round for a shot at the final mystery prize.

J.T. PRICE: At least he won’t have far to walk...


In the southwest corner of the third floor, The Crayola Experience offers a chance for mall patrons to not only shop for their favorite Crayola products, but also to see how they are made. While the crayon creation process has Archimedes J. Manson completely enthralled, the other four competitors in this section are distracted by other pursuits. While Diana leaps off a conveyor belt of dry-erase markers to hit a missile dropkick on Skylar Ramsay, Kyle Valentine is doing his best to keep up with the flurry of strikes delivered by Arata Asakura.

Archie continues to watch as the various colors roll past his eyes, while directly behind him, Diana hits The Bunny Hop on Skylar Ramsay and goes for a pin…

ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!

With her head shaking in disbelief, Diana pulls Skylar back up to plant another of her signature moves, but suddenly Skylar spins her to the ground and expertly applies her Dutchess Lock! Diana is trapped in the hold and it looks as if she’s in danger of tapping out...when Arata Asakura charges in with the Raikiri to the back of Skylar’s head! The hold is broken, but before The Gaijin Killer can go for the pin, he’s also hit from behind by a similar move from Kyle Valentine, the Jecht Shot! This is Kyle’s chance and he goes for the pin on Arata…

ONE!
TWO!
THR - NO!

Arata defies his own human biology by kicking out and Kyle can only drop his jaw in complete shock! Hoping that he can pull off the huge upset by eliminating Asakura, Kyle begins to measure him for Din’s Fire, but Diana suddenly rushes forward, springs off of Askakura as he’s on his hands and knees, and hits Kyle with her Shining Sweetheart! She drops on top of Kyle…

ONE!
TWO!
THR - NO!

After the three shining wizard kicks and no pinfalls to show for them, it’s starting to look as if none of the competitors will stay down. Skylar Ramsay pulls herself back up and grabs Diana for a Dragon Suplex, but then Arata grabs Skylar from behind as well...triple play action as Diana is dropped with the dragon suplex as Arata hits a German on Skylar! Arata maintains his hold on Ramsay to roll her back onto her feet, but instead of hitting a second German Suplex, he transitions into his crossface hold and forces her back to the ground...the Touch of Gold is applied perfectly! Skylar does her best to hold in in the hopes that another of the competitors will come to her rescue, but with Kyle and Diana both down, that salvation does not arrive. Skylar Ramsay is forced to tap out!

HOLLY PEREZ: Skylar Ramsay has been eliminated and Arata Asakura has claimed a mystery box!

Despite his immeasurable disgust at having to be involved in such a match, there is a look of satisfaction on Arata’s face as he rises to his feet. Yin Yamamoto is on hand to grab Arata’s mystery prize away from the official, and alongside his new business associate, Asakura is finally able to leave this den of American capitalism.

Back at the crayon assembly line, Archimedes tilts his head and stares in awe as hot wax is poured from a vat into the cylinder molds. Not far away, Diana and Kyle Valentine pull themselves back to their feet, and The Energy Bunny is the first to strike as she hooks Kyle for her Sweetheart Drop brainbuster. She manages to lift her opponent off his feet, but Kyle kicks his legs furiously to avoid being dropped on his head. Unable to hold him up while he’s flailing about, Diana drops Kyle back to his feet and Valentine immediately responds by lifting Diana up for a suplex.

She quickly gets back to her feet, but Kyle charges forward to hit her with a shotgun dropkick. The impact sends Diana backwards as she stumbles onto the conveyor belt as a vat of hot wax rains down on top of her! Archimedes' eyes grow even wider as he witnesses the creation of a human crayon before his very eyes. With the hot wax burning her skin, Diana springs off the conveyor belt and right into Kyle Valentine’s ace crusher...Din’s Fire!

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: Diana has been eliminated and Kyle Valentine has claimed a mystery box! Archimedes J. Manson will now compete in the final round!

Kyle’s eyes grow wide as the young superstar realizes that this could end up being the biggest win of his career so far, and mere seconds later, his tag team partner, DJ Hunter, rushes into the scene. The two men exchange an excited hug before the official steps forward to hand Kyle his mystery box prize. Unable to contain their excitement, Kyle and DJ start to rip into the package, as Archimedes casually walks up behind them to look over their shoulders.

The box is open, Kyle reaches in his hand to pull out the piece of paper inside, and it’s revealed that he’s won…

...an all expenses paid trip for two to Warner Bros. Studio in Burbank, California!

Archimedes slowly drops to his knees as he feels the crushing despair of defeat, as we are left to wonder whether or not Kyle Valentine considers this a prize worth winning…

J.T. PRICE: That’s one hell of a vacation package, Trey.

TREY BOOKER: That may be true, but I’m not sure it’s what the members of Phantom Troupe had in mind. I can’t help but feel bad for poor Archie. Imagine losing your dream vacation because you were hypnotized by colored wax.

J.T. PRICE: At least he’s still got an opportunity to capture a prize at the end of the night.

TREY BOOKER: Very true, J.T. I also can’t help but wonder what prize awaits “The Gaijin Killer” Arata Asakura. Can you imagine his reaction if it’s an autograph or a tee shirt? I guess we’ll have to wait for the post match press conference to find out...


Only five competitors remain in this round, and with two mystery boxes up for grabs between them, it’s almost assured that the violence will reach new heights. When we go to the XScape Arcade on the mall’s fourth level to discover that Julius Fairweather, Ozymandias, Slade Castle, Swindle Shelldrake, and Syndicate are those final five, there is an overwhelming sense that the stakes are even higher.

With a recent war of words brewing between the Legacy Champion and Grand Champion, it looks as if it’s only a matter of time before these two unstoppable forces collide. The two men stare at each other across the arcade as a smart-mouthed fan shouts out for them to battle in Dance Dance Revolution. Then, just as they start to move toward each other, Swindle Shelldrake intervenes to prove that he will not be ignored. He hits Syndicate with a sudden shotgun dropkick, then rolls back to his feet, charges at Ozymandias, and hits the big man with a Yakuza kick! The Kraken takes control early, denying the fans of seeing the two champions clash.

As for Slade Castle, he’s come to the fight prepared. With Larry KaChow’s paintball gun in hand from the previous round, Castle moves to aid his True Society teammate until Julius Fairweather steps into his path.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: What’s up, motherfucker?

SLADE CASTLE: Get out of my way, Julie.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Nah, I can’t do that. There’s two prizes in this motherfucking arcade, and I ain’t about to let anyone from True Society take them. Whether it’s me, Swindledick, or the motherfucking Gordon’s Fisherman, you can consider those prizes claimed. Unless of course...you want to make up for your poor life choices and renounce that Airk Holt bullshit right here and now…

Castle stares down Julius, and for the briefest of moments, there is a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. Unfortunately for Julius, that hesitation is either a ruse or simply fleeting, as Castle raises the paintball gun from his side.

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Really? You think I’m afraid of a little paint? Motherfucker, are you out of your damned mind?

Without another word, Castle pulls the trigger on his weapon, but the gun is no longer filled with paintball pellets. Instead, Castle has loaded the weapon with pinballs from a nearby machine, and the metal projectiles hit Julius’ body with incredible force. The Bad Motherfucker yelps out in pain as he tries to cover up, but one of the stray pinballs strikes him in the face…

JULIUS FAIRWEATHER: Aaargh! My eye! You shot my motherfucking eye out! Of all the Ralphie from Christmas Story bullshit…

Before Julius can continue, Castle rushes forward to clock him with the butt of the rifle, sending him to the floor in a half-conscious haze. Slade wastes no time in rolling Julius over to make the pin attempt…

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

HOLLY PEREZ: Julius Fairweather has been eliminated and Slade Castle has claimed a mystery box!

While capturing a mystery box technically eliminates Slade from the match, it does not stop him from going to Syndicate’s aid. As the Legacy Champion is engaged with Swindle Shelldrake, Castle charges toward Ozymandias with his finger pressing down the trigger of his paintball gun.

SLADE CASTLE: RRRAAAAAAGH!!!

Slade lets out a primal scream as he fires off the last few pinballs at Ozymandias, but The Butcher of Reine fares far better than Julius Fairweather did. Now out of ammo, Slade braces himself as the Grand Champion charges toward him, slamming his own body into Castle’s with a powerful spear.

Not far away, Swindle has Syndicate’s head hooked and he runs up the side of a nearby arcade game before dropping the champ with his Cult Classic inverted Shirinui DDT! Syndicate is down and Swindle goes for the fall…

ONE!
TWO!
THREE!

NO! Syndicate manages to get his shoulder up at the last moment, much to the frustration of The Kraken. With a shake of his head, Swindle pulls Syndicate back to his feet and lifts him into the air to deliver his Michinoku Driver, but Syndicate has enough wherewithal to drop behind The Kraken...and The Vault is applied! The Legacy champ drags Swindle to the ground as he clamps down with the guillotine chokehold! There are no ropes to break the hold and no clear escape as Shelldrake struggles to maintain his consciousness!

Seeing the final prize slipping out of his hands to Syndicate, Ozymandias rushes forward in an attempt to break up the hold, but Slade Castle reaches out to wrap his arms around his ankles, tripping Ozy to the floor! The Butcher kicks Slade hard in the face, but all of his efforts to escape and reach Shelldrake are in vain as The Kraken loses consciousness!

HOLLY PEREZ: Swindle Shelldrake has been eliminated and Syndicate has claimed a mystery box! Ozymandias will now compete in the final round!

Syndicate has a huge grin on his face as he gets to his feet and takes the final mystery prize of the round in his hands. He slowly starts to make his way out of the arcade, but The Butcher or Reine isn’t about to stop just because the round has ended. After another kick to Slade’s face, he gets on his feet and grabs hold of Castle, pulling him up as well. He then lifts Slade into the air for the Sinking Faith, ultimately dropping him on top of a pinball machine and shattering it’s glass surface!

With his arms pressing the mystery box to his chest, Syndicate leaves the arcade and enters the mall corridor, completely unaware that Ozymandias is stalking after him from behind. A jumping bicycle kick to the back of the head knocks Syndicate to the floor and the prize box spills out of his grasp. While the award is still his, it is no longer in his reach as Ozymandias leans over him to drive a series of rights and lefts against his face.

Stunned by the surprise attack, all Syndicate can do is lean up and bite Ozy on the bridge of the nose, giving him a valuable moment to break free. He gets back on his feet but Ozymandias is up just as quick. Syndicate takes a few quick steps toward him with an impact move in mind, but The Butcher counters by snatching the Legacy Champion off his feet.

Ozymandias has Syndicate pressed over his head as if he’s going to execute the World Ender backbreaker that few have been able to get up from. But then, The Butcher of Reine has a change of heart…

...as he takes a few big steps forward and hurls Syndicate over the fourth floor railing!

For a moment it’s as if time stops completely as a look of terror emerges on Syndicate’s face. He flails with his hands in a desperate attempt to catch something, but there is nothing within his reach. He plummets downward, almost certainly to his imminent death, before his body collides with one of the forty foot Christmas trees set up in the west central plaza.

After bouncing off the gigantic fir tree, Syndicate continues to fall the rest of the distance, his body ultimately landing on the announce table of Trey Booker and J.T. Price, shattering it with a thunderous crash.

TREY BOOKER: MY GOD! HE’S KILLED HIM! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!

Not only has Syndicate’s body crashed through the announce table, but through the very stage that it had been erected upon as well. As staff members rush to his side, there is the slightest movement in Syndicate’s limbs. His eyes flutter as he begins to lose consciousness, and the last thing he sees is Ozymandias looking down at him from four stories up.


It’s been a long night for many of the Project: Honor stars, and after such an evening of violence and bargain hunting, there’s only one place for a man like Serrano Poblano to rest and recover.

Sbarro Pizza.

With a slice in each hand, The Sultan of Spice nods his head with satisfaction at a ‘job’ well done. Then, between bites, he is interrupted by a strange squeaking noise. He looks up just in time to see someone approaching his table.

RATMAN: Hello, friend. Is this seat taken?

For a brief moment, Serrano is taken aback.

SERRANO POBLANO: Did...did you just call me ‘friend’?

RATMAN: I did. I hope that’s okay?

A genuine smile slowly begins to form on Serrano’s pudgy face as he motions toward the empty chair beside him.

SERRANO POBLANO: It’s more than okay...friend. I don’t often do this but...would you like a slice of my pizza? It has banana peppers, green peppers, habanero peppers, chili peppers, ghost peppers….oh...and extra onion and garlic. I even brought a bottle of my special sauce to put on top. You smell like the kind of man who enjoys a little spice.

Ratman leans forward and begins to sniff the pizza as Papercut crawls onto the table to do the same. Despite their difference in species, they look a lot alike as their noses twitch in the air.

RATMAN: It...smells like home. After being in Whalan and now here...I miss my home.

SERRANO POBLANO: Your home sounds like the kind of place I’d love to visit. If you’d have me there, that is…

RATMAN: You mean...like a sleep over?

Serrano’s smile grows even larger.

SERRANO POBLANO: Exactly like a sleepover! We could eat spicy food, play games, and even watch my favorite movie…

SERRANO POBLANO & RATMAN: Ratatouille!

After shouting out the movie title at the exact same time, Percival and Serrano stare at each other as their eyes grow wide.

SERRANO POBLANO: Did we just become best friends?

RATMAN: Yes! Yes, I think we did!

Percival and Serrano both begin to bounce in their seats like little children, and as we cut away, it would appear that we’ve seen the beginning of a beautiful friendship...



TREY BOOKER: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been one hell of a wild night. I can tell you all that Syndicate is shaken up from that hellacious fall, but his body’s impact with that Christmas tree may have very well saved his life. One things is for certain, no matter what prizes await Syndicate and Slade Castle, things are far from over between Syndicate and Ozymandias, let alone the True Society and the rest of Project: Honor!

J.T. PRICE: He almost landed on me, Trey. Ozymandias didn’t just try to kill Syndicate...I think he was aiming for me!

TREY BOOKER: Calm down, partner. The bad man can’t hurt you now.


TREY BOOKER: Tonight may not have been as deadly as the Purge, but I hope it’s been as memorable for all of you as it has for me. We’re down to the final prize of the evening as Angelo Caito, Archimedes J. Manson, Emmanuelle, Jason Long, and TJ Thompson prepare to give it their all to claim it!

J.T. PRICE: Ozymandias was supposed to be here too, but from what I’m hearing, no one has seen him since he tossed Syndicate over the railing. It’s almost like he did what he came here to do and peaced out!

TREY BOOKER: Considering what he’s willing to do, that may be a blessing in disguise.

The final mystery prize hangs precariously from the rafters, directly above the many rides of Nickelodeon World that make up The Mall of America’s center court. Jason Long wastes no time in making his presence felt, as he sets his sights on TJ Thompson, picking the Hip Beast off his feet and driving him into a full-size display of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Emmanuelle looks determined to make her own statement, as she ducks under a running clothesline from Angelo Caito and then spins back to plant a hard kick to his midsection. With Caito doubled over, Emmanuelle grabs him by the head and drives him down with a DDT!

Jason Long drags TJ away from the Ninja Turtles attraction and attempts to whip him toward Dora the Explorer, but Thompson reverses it at the last second and the impact of Jason’s body completely obliterates the bi-lingual treasure hunter. As this is transpiring, Archimedes looks upward to the suspended mystery box, then to his left, and then to his right. It seems like a plan has been formulated in his head, as he immediately takes off running toward one of the two roller coasters in the center of the mall.

Seeing this, TJ Thompson is smart enough to follow his new Big Drip ally as Emmanuelle does the same. Archie leaps into one of the roller coaster cars as they begin to move, just as TJ and Emmanuelle reach them as well. Not wanting to share a seat, Emmy grabs TJ’s head and drives his face against the tracks before reaching out to grab the last car with both hands. Doing her best to keep her balance as the cars pick up speed, Emmanuelle starts to make her way forward in an attempt to reach the car that Archimedes has occupied.

Back on the floor, Angelo Caito has attacked Jason Long with an oversized hammer normally used to test someone’s strength. He slams the weapon over Jason’s back a few times for good measure, before tossing the weapon aside and coming up with his own plan to reach the suspended prize. He quickly makes his way to the spinning swing ride that is directly under the prize box, and starts to climb up one of the chains that hang from the giant swing set. As he starts to make progress, TJ Thompson rushes in to grab the swing and he starts to shake it furiously. This forces Angelo to lose his grip and the recently crowned Gatekeeper Champion falls to the floor.

TJ then grabs hold of one of the swings and begins to wrap it around Angelo’s neck while he’s stunned. Moments later, the entire ride begins to rotate and pick up speed, until Angelo is pulled off the ground completely. TJ takes a step back and watches as the ride begins to spin faster and faster, with Angleo Caito desperately holding on for the ride.

Back on the roller coaster cars, Emmanuelle is dangerously close to reaching the lead car with Archimedes none the wiser. The cars climb up a very steep track and nearly slow to a stop as they reach the top...before they quickly start to plummet down the inclined track! Emmanuelle is thrown off balance and lands awkwardly in the car with Archimedes, who’s shocked to see that he has a stowaway. The two competitors begin to struggle with each other, but as the cars take a sudden left turn, they both fly from their seats! Emmanuelle bounces onto the track unceremoniously as Archie rolls over the edge...and manages to grab the track with both hands at the last second!

He pulls himself up, but he’s met with a spinning roundhouse kick from The Platinum Standard that nearly knocks him back off the tracks! She then grabs a hold of him and lifts him up for the Rodeo Driver, but he manages to escape and drop behind her! He fires a few quick elbows to the back of her head before hooking her around the waist and attempting to lift her for an atomic drop...that Emmanuelle counters into a bulldog!

Meanwhile, Angelo continues to spin around in circles on the giant swing as TJ looks for another way to reach the top of the ride. That’s when he spots Jason Long, making his way toward the prize from above using the Dutchman’s Deck Adventure Course! As Jason swings from platform to platform along the zipline, TJ rushes away from the giant swing and emerges inside the Museum of Failures. He runs past the 1957 Ford Edsel to a display of New Coke. Shaking the bottle as furiously as he can, TJ takes aim at Jason Long as he swings overhead. TJ then rips the lid off the bottle, expecting a geyser of soda to erupt, but instead it is a pathetic display as TJ only succeeds in drenching himself.

From above, Jason Long cannot help but shake his head at TJ’s misfortune, but that slight distraction costs him dearly. With his body already racked with pain from the previous night, Jason begins to lose his grip on the zipline. Having not been properly harnessed in, there is nothing to stop Jason when he falls from the zipline except the roof of the Ford Edsel below him.

Back on the roller coaster tracks, Emmanuelle and Archimedes are wrapped up in a striking exchange, but just when it looks like Archie is going to fall for The Platinum Standard’s Cross Counter, his eyes grow wide in their sockets. Emmy turns just in time to see the roller coaster cars racing back towards them, and she barely has time to leap into the air to avoid being run over. Archimedes jumps as well, but instead of going straight up, he leaps off the tracks completely, barely landing atop the giant swing as it has begun to slow down.

From Emmanuelle in the roller coaster car, to TJ and Jason in the Museum of Failure, and even to a very dizzy Angelo Caito at the base of the swing ride...none are anywhere near enough to stop Archimedes as he takes the last few necessary steps to reach the final prize of the evening....

HOLLY PEREZ: The winner of tonight’s final mystery box and the official Black Friday Bargain Hunter...ARCHIMEDES J. MANSON!!!

With the contents of his prize to be revealed after the show, there is little more we can do than watch as a jubilant Archimedes J. Manson celebrates on top of the center ride in the midst of Nickelodeon World...

TREY BOOKER: Ladies and gentlemen, what a night this has been! For J.T. Price this...hold on…

Trey puts his hand up to his earpiece as he’s fed information from backstage. As the producer speaks into his headset, we see Trey’s expression begin to turn sour. It isn’t the kind of expression that normally accompanies some major announcement in the wrestling business, but something that seems to affect him on a personal level. Slowly, his hand falls from his earpiece as he looks back to the camera, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

TREY BOOKER: Ladies and gentlemen...this isn’t how I wanted to end the night...none of us could...I don’t even…

Trey is forced to take a moment to collect his thoughts, before finally putting on his most professional face.

TREY BOOKER: It is with great personal sadness that I must inform all of you, our Project: Honor family, that our employer…

He starts to choke up, but again manages to control his emotions.

TREY BOOKER: The founder of Project: Honor and majority owner of the company, our dear friend and employer, Rock Johnson, was found dead just outside of Whalan, Minnesota earlier this evening. There is very little information at this time, but we will attempt to provide updates as the situation becomes more clear. Tonight, our thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of Rock Johnson. Project: Honor...professional wrestling...will not be the same without him...