Post by ttthet on Nov 21, 2021 22:28:23 GMT -5
Our scene starts once again at the world-famous HIP HOUSE. It’s 2am. The house is in a state of disarray as small giraffes are running amok. Gerald is making no effort to stop the chaos. TJ Thompson and Lil Petey trudge into the house after brutal PPV matches for both of them. They both stop short and look at their house in shock. As they freeze, a baby giraffe does a Moonsault off the fridge on another one.
TJ Thompson: Holy shit, that was awesome! Not gonna lie, I kinda forgot we had more than one giraffe. I kinda forgot about that baby giraffe plot point after I got into the title scene. Welp! It looks like Triple B has vacated the premises. But now these kids have decided to show their faces.
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I know we always had these! They were…those cops that got magically transformed into…baby giraffes. Huh. That was a weird time in my life, wasn’t it? I wish we could go back to those days. Now my back hurts after getting bodied by the squid guy.
Lil Petey: Ayo, those giraffes have been watching too much Proving Ground! Wait a second…we could get them in the ring! They’re already better than Sauce was! That shit was cool, but why are they running around like this? Ain’t Sauce supposed to be watching them?
The scene cuts to a flashback of Sauce checking the house to see if Bohn Bash Bader is gone. Apparently he is not, and Sauce gets snatched by the DDLG god. Triple B flies off into the sunset as Sauce screams his head off. The scene cuts back to the present.
Lil Petey: Meh, I’m sure he’s fine!
TJ Thompson: Come on, Gerald! These are your adopted kids! Sure, I kinda forced them onto you without checking with you first, but y’all are the same species! Aren’t you supposed to want to look after them? The paternal instinct? These are your own flesh and…actually, they’re not. But you know what I mean! Take responsibility!
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: What do you mean you don’t care? As long as they don’t die they can do whatever they want?!? You’re like me as a parent. Not sure if that’s a good thing. Probably not. Damn, I didn’t know these giraffes could do moves like that! I should’ve remembered that they exist sooner! Think of the money we could make off this shit! Why didn’t you tell me, Gerald?
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I never asked?!? Yeah, because I’m too busy trying to win belts! I’m on my grind!
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: …No, I didn’t win the belt…but that’s not the point! Don’t rub it in! The point is that I’ve been kinda busy here. And it all ended with me in the same place as before. But that’s okay. Because I have giraffes I can monetize! Any ideas, Petey?
Lil Petey: We could start a giraffe wrestling company!
TJ Thompson: Uhh… that kinda sounds like dogfighting with giraffes. Which sounds cool when you think about it! But that’s kinda illegal. And immoral. PETA’s definitely gonna be on our ass if we go through with that one.
Lil Petey: But they’re not murdering each other, just wrestling!
TJ Thompson: I still think PETA wouldn’t like that one. Would I like it? Maybe. I feel like if I say I do, that camera crew recording this entire encounter is gonna get me cancelled.
TJ, Petey and Gerald look right at the camera.
TJ Thompson: Anyway…we can keep that one for later! Anything else, bro?
Lil Petey: What about a giraffe circus? These dudes could do flips and shit! The people would love it, bro!
TJ Thompson: I don’t think PETA would like that one either. Those guys don’t like fun. Giraffes in the circus sound great! Who wouldn’t want to see that? But I don’t really wanna deal with protesters at our place all the time. I can’t even drop anvils on them anymore without getting sued! And they call this a free country.
Lil Petey: Aight. I’ve got one more idea. What about a scripted giraffe wrestling company? We all know wrestling is completely real…and I guess we can’t let giraffes beat each other up. That would be wrong! Totally! But what if we tricked everyone into thinking it was real! We could have fake fights and shit with the giraffes still doing their flippy shit!
TJ Thompson: I feel like you just described something that already exists…but I still like it! Much better! But I still think that PETA won’t be a big fan. Life is funny that way. PETA doesn’t like anything involving fun. Those ideas have to have something in common!
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah. Exploitation. Damnnit. You’re right, Gerald. Did you go to school or something? You’re smart for a giraffe!
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Racist?!? Huh?!? Do you even have a race? Okay. That one was bad. Anyway, Gerald has a point! I don’t see a way we can make money off these little dudes without earning hella protesters outside the crib. That’s okay. If this wrestling shit doesn’t work out we always have your music career to stop us from starving to death. I feel like there’s something else we should be wondering about here.
Just as TJ says that a baby giraffe goes flying into their PS5.
Lil Petey: NOOOOO!!! MY CHILD!!! Aight! This is going too far! I can handle them throwing themselves into the wall or whatever, but that’s my baby! What the heck, bro?!?
TJ Thompson: Come on Gerald, do something! I can’t do anything about this, I forgot we had them for like six months! They don’t listen to me!
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I thought you were the adult here! I’m a child at heart. Oh god, don’t let Triple B hear that. Anyway, I’m not doing shit!
Gerald makes more giraffe noises at the babies, but nothing happens. The house continues to get destroyed. All of a sudden, sirens are heard outside and there’s a knock on the door.
TJ Thompson: Oh shit! Oh fuck! Hide those giraffes! Remember the last time the cops found out we had giraffes up in here?!? I had to bribe one! I already had my health taken away tonight, I don’t want to give away my stuff too!
Petey shoves the giraffes into the backyard while TJ slowly answers the door.
TJ Thompson: Hey…can I help you?
Cop: We’ve had a lot of noise complaints about this address. Anything you wanna tell me?
TJ Thompson: Nope! Maybe you wanna check the house across the street. I think they’re doing crack over there or something. Nothing’s going on here!
Cop: Then do you mind if I take a look around?
TJ Thompson: I…guess?
TJ lets the officer in to see the mess of the house.
Cop: Sheesh, what happened here?!? It’s like a tornado went through the place! Did a bomb go off?
TJ Thompson: I bet Petey went to Taco Bell just now. It’s a situation.
Cop: Are…are those three giraffes in the backyard?!?
TJ Thompson: Petey, you didn’t close the windows!!!
Lil Petey: We don’t even have windows anymore! They destroyed those too!
Cop: Alright, I’m pretty sure that violates fifty laws. We can’t have this. You guys can’t have giraffes!
TJ Thompson: Oh come on, there’s only three! Haven’t you seen Tiger King? Those dudes are way worse than us!
Cop: And one of them is in jail.
TJ Thompson: Oh yeah. That’s not good. Well, we’re not hurting anyone! Sure, we’ve had animal rights protesters following us around for months and my wallet is dying every time I buy food for them, but it’s fine!
Cop: It doesn’t matter. You can’t have wild animals in your house! Especially if they tore apart your entire house like this.
TJ Thompson: Hold on. I hear where you’re coming from with the laws and shit. But wait a second. What if they can do flips?!?
Cop: Oh hell yeah, that’s cool as fuck. Of course! I’d need to see proof, though.
One of the baby giraffes does a Shooting Star Press into the shed. It seems to be fine, but the shed is now a pile of wood.
Cop: Ayo, that was sick! Okay. You know what? Fuck the noise complaints! I’m not gonna report this to my boss. He probably wouldn’t care too after seeing that!
TJ Thompson: Ayo, thanks, man!
Just as TJ says that, another baby giraffe flies through the window, taking out the cameraman. The camera sharply cuts to black as the last thing we hear is a yelp of pain.
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The scene opens up again to reveal TJ Thompson standing in front of a laptop. The house is all cleaned up and Gerald can be seen milling around in the background.
TJ Thompson: Hey, guys! Remember the last promo where I had that whole deep shit about this match and how much it meant to me? Remember at the end where I said that I better not fuck up? And if I did, there was no hope of me winning the match? Well…uh…I fucked up. And I didn’t win the match. Sigh. That wasn’t exactly my best performance in the ring. But hey, I didn’t eat the pin! And I’m alive today! When it comes to me, that’s pretty much a win in its own right. I can now call Arata a jobber. Mark Hunter is pretty much dead. I couldn’t save him that time. I wasn’t even the most injured one! Let’s go! I might have not won the belt, but at least I can flex on those hoes. Yeah. I take my wins where I can find them. Clash for the Cup wasn’t so bad. I might have choked in what should’ve been the main event but Petey won his match! At least one of us is successful in life…I’m happy for him! We also made a plan that we probably shouldn’t have made at that moment. Maybe if I focused before my match, I would’ve done better…nah. Y’all heard it here first. Big Drip is looking for new members! It’s getting lonely, just the two of us. I think Sauce has been kidnapped or is at therapy or some shit, so we need new dudes! Give us a call! Or call Petey. I don’t wanna do the work.
Lil Petey: Huh?
TJ starts a slideshow with the first slide being a picture of Whalan, MN.
TJ Thompson: Nothing! Anyway, that shit’s in the past as of two weeks ago. I’m a new man now. I have new things to look forward to and probably lose. I might’ve gotten myself too deep in this one. Just like I was deep inside Sauce’s mom. I have not one, but two killer matches to look forward to! The Purge match for Fallout and the Mall Mayhem shit for Proving Ground. Now you might be wondering why I’m doing a Fallout match. That’s a great question! Greed. That’s the reason. I heard there were belts and other stuff to be won, so I'm in! I know it's not gonna be an easy one to win. There's gonna be violence and shit. But that's okay! I'm ready for all that shit. I just went through hell against the squid guy, so I think I can handle anything these hoes wanna throw at me. My competition? The entire Fallout roster and some other dudes. Yikes. That's a lot of people. And I don't think too many of them like me. It's okay. I'm used to that. I wasn't really paying attention, but now that they've been fucking with Petey, those True Society peeps are now on my radar. I'm sure they're shaking in fear as I say that.
TJ switches the slide to the True Society logo.
TJ Thompson: Aight, let's go down this list. Valkyrie? I guess she's held that Ascension Title for a while, right? I guess it's not hard when you're defending it against bums every week. All those defenses, but she couldn't cut it on Proving Ground and ran off back to Fallout after what...two...three matches? Yikes, bro. I guess she feels more comfortable in the little pond. Padding her stats over there is cool and all. But after her first match in a while against real talent, I think we all know how I compare to her. She and Slade Castle got the hands from Petey! PETEY?!? Aight, he is half of the tag champs. But he gets no respect around this place! The running joke of this place bodied two of the champions of that little group? Come on! Do better!
Lil Petey: Hey!
TJ Thompson: Sorry. I'm praising you though! What I'm trying to say here is that those hoes don't stand a chance. What about Havoc? Aight, he's pretty spooky. But I bet when you dump a bucket of water on his head, you just see a really ugly guy that probably belongs in a mental hospital. Face paint can only do so much, bro. I will give him credit for single-handedly driving Jason into a spiral of depression. What a god. Good for you, man. But I'm mentally tougher than that! Havoc, I'm sure you'll do some nasty shit in there, but it won't stop me from getting something! Anything! And then maybe I'll take your time from you later. Anyway, who's the last one? Baker? What's he baking? Probably something edgy that I don't really wanna talk about. He's one of the newest dudes in this place, but I feel like he's better than Slade and Valk. Why? Because I barely know anything about him.
TJ switches the slide to the rest of the Fallout roster.
TJ Thompson: I know there are a few Proving Ground peeps in this, but trust me, they'll get their moment. Lemme see who else I'm gonna be facing. Angelo Caito? I heard he hit someone with a brick. Cool. Maybe I'll get Ben Simmons to chuck up some shots for me so I have a weapon to use against him. Michael Bishop? I think he just joined Wrestleworld at the same time that I dipped out. We're both outta there now, though. It should be fun to see if he's good here too. NOAH HOPE?!? THE GOD?!? THE SAVIOR OF WRESTLING?!? Aight, I shouldn't even show up. This guy's winning the entire thing. It'll take every person in this match teaming up to beat this absolute unit. I'm gonna stay away from him. Savannah Sunshine??? She's short. I'm gonna punt her into the stratosphere like the garden gnome she is. If you see her on Mars, you know how she got there. Julius? Man, that's like...my friend that I've never talked to before! If Petey trusts him, I know he's legit. And he swears more than me, which is cool too. Even though he's a chill guy, that won't stop me from beating his ass! I'm nice like that.
TJ switches the slide to a picture of the Mall of America.
TJ Thompson: But that's not all! After a night of pain and suffering, I'm driving for hours for...capitalism. Nice. We're fighting in a mall! Normally I'd try to find the nearest mattress store and take a nap, but there are more prizes to be won! I need it. If I do all this to get nothing, I'm gonna join Jason in that sunken place. This is way different than that purge thing. That’s probably for the best, you know? I can’t go through all that shit two nights in a row. Maybe it was a bad call signing up for both of these. But whatever. I’m sure it’ll all end up well. It always does. Besides, we’re in a mall! Even if I can’t drag down one of those prizes, I’m gonna get me something one way or another. I’m coming out with an entire store! And they can’t even arrest me this time. Not that it was stopping me. This is gonna be another tough match, but I have nothing to lose! The worse thing that happens is that I get beat up. Which seems to happen every day anyway.
TJ switches the slide to a picture of the Proving Ground roster.
TJ Thompson: There’s some more familiar faces here. There’s the Proving Ground equivalent to Noah Hope, the god, John Balde! I don’t know how he hasn’t won every single belt this company has to offer. Pretty sure Cassanova English was happy to simply escape with his life. I guess he’s been going easy on us this entire time. John Blade could snap us all in half if he felt like it, you know. I’m staying away from him. He’s a menace. And then there’s the guy that beat him a couple of weeks ago. The Warrior Rising Champ, Cassanova English. Let’s not forget that before he beat Petey, I bodied him! If we had it my way, I would have the belt right now. It’s probably for the best that Indy’s in charge and not me. He knows he can’t beat me, but this is a match with a lot of variables! I’m sure it won’t be our amazing wrestling ability that leads to someone beating the other. There’s also Emmanuelle! In the Warrior Rising division, we’ve had our fights, but you always seem to come out winning. I’d like to think we have some mutual respect…but nah…I know better than that. But that’s okay! I don’t really need that from anyone. I just need those sweet, sweet prizes. We’ve both changed since those days. You had a great run in that tournament and I was this close to becoming the Grand Champion. We’re both in need of a big win, but I hate to break it to you. It’s gonna be me. I’m sure you’ll beat the shit out of me again, but this time, I’ll be the one coming out on top.
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: Hush. I really mean it this time! Next, I gotta talk about the dudes that were in that Scramble Match with me. Swindledick? He sure beat the shit outta Mark Hunter. Again. But did he beat the shit outta me?!? Not really. Light work. Neither of us won the belt that time, but I’ll make sure your losing streak goes on. Next is Arata. I’m disappointed in you, bro! But not surprised. I was expecting a better match than that from you, but all you did was get your ass handed to you. Multiple times. Even by me! I guess those crackers managed to get one over you this time, didn’t they? And I bet you really wanna redeem yourself after that pathetic showing! I really don’t think you will, though. I’m expecting more of the same from you. Bum. Anyway, there’s also the Grand Champ. It hurts me to say that. He sure got us good, though. Coming in first and surviving all the way to the end. I thought I was gonna have a break, but here we are. Meeting again. Yikes. I don’t even know what else you want. Don’t you already have the top belt? Though I guess you probably think it’s fun to beat people up in a mall. I’m not gonna even bullshit this time. You’re probably beating my ass. But it won’t stop me from walking out of this mall with something.
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ Thompson: I don’t care if it’s not a good attitude, Gerald! I’m being realistic! Anyway, there’s also my boy Myo in this one. Are we boys? Let’s pretend we are. I haven’t been able to get a clean win over them even though we’ve faced off a million times, which probably says more about me than it does about them. But still, could this be the one? Meh. Of course, it is! And I feel like I have to end off with my boy Lil Petey. The more successful member of Big Drip, so I’m hoping he carries me to a victory this time. Just like always, we’re gonna be teaming up! Some people might think that’s unfair. And in a way, I kinda agree. But like…I don’t care. You do what you gotta do to win. This shit is way different than the purge, but I feel like the point is still to beat each other up. It’s a pretty simple concept. Sure there might be more rules and it might be more complicated, but the main thing is the same! Petey, we got this, right?!?
Lil Petey: Maybe!
TJ Thompson: That’s all I needed to hear. I’m completely reassured after that amazing confirmation.
Lil Petey: Are you being sarcastic?!? The vibes are off.
TJ Thompson: I don’t even know what those big words mean!
Gerald: *giraffe noises*
TJ, Petey and Gerald get into a deep discussion on TJ’s limited vocabulary as the scene fades to black.