Post by Masters of the Tooniverse on Nov 9, 2021 14:01:03 GMT -5
Archimedes J. Manson
in
CRASH FOR THE CUP
We open on what can only be described as an Amusement Park that's in dire need of some T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chilli. It's probably not even supposed to be open right now but people like Mz. Frizzelle have ways to get inside. Which is why the entire cast of Archie's Asylum have taken over the one section that they love the most.
"BUMPER CARS!"
Archimedes J. Manson is standing up inside of his particular bumper car and he's holding his hands up in excited triumph. His happiness doesn't last long as the cars of Mz. Frizzelle, Harleigh Davidson, and Lord Smashington (yes, the mallet is driving its own bumper car) all manage to collide into Manson's bumper car from multiple directions and at the same time!
Archimedes gets shaken (not stirred) and almost falls out of his car. However, he manages to catch himself and takes the opportunity to stand tall and vengeful. He extends a mighty pointing feature in the direction of the fleeing bumper cars!
"Alright then! You asked for it!"
Archimedes throws a hand behind his back and waits for the camera to zoom in on him. Which, of course, it does.
"IT'S MANSON TIME!"
Archimedes whips his Morpher out from behind his back, holding it out the camera so that everyone can see the distinctive Tragedy/Comedy Mask Power Coin. Just in time for Archimedes to activate his transformation sequence.
"THE J STANDS FOR... JAMBALAYA!"
We cut immediately to some stock footage of Archimedes J. Manson standing in the middle of nowhere. Orange and Pink lightning bolts strike his superimposed still body as the mid-budget CGI overlays an orange and pink 'Power Ranger' suit over his body. Lastly, there's an orange and pink helmet that's zapped onto his head showing those same Comedy/Tragedy designs on the sides of it. The stock footage ends with another pair of orange and pink lightning bolts to send us right back into reality.
Standing tall and proud inside of his bumper car is The Chaos Ranger. He takes this moment to perform so completely horribad Tae Bo moves before pointing off in the direction of the still fleeing bumper cars.
"You guys are going down! Kiyah!"
The Chaos Ranger drops down into the bumper car and takes off in the direction of Mz. Frizzelle, Harleigh Davidson, and Lord Smashington. Time for some serious bumping!
The collisions come in all sorts of combinations. The four of them just crashing their bumper cars into each other and laughing all through each of these moments. Well, the giant mallet doesn't actually laugh but the huge smile design just proves how happy it is to be doing all of this nonsense either way. It's a good time!
We pan over to the side where some other patients in Archie's Asylum seem to just be hanging about. Olivia Gardan is busy trying to get her tongue the right shade of blue that she loves. Penelope Peril is practicing her running and jumping because that's what adventurers do. Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem are in a pile on top of each other, somehow snoring in musical harmony with each other. Jessica Rappitt is deep into whatever track she's listening to in her YEETS headphones, a notebook opened wide on her lap for her rhymes.
It's not until our pan past all of those goofballs do we actually come up to the more serious pair: Vanity James and Anatasia Poe. These two are sitting together and neither of them look like they want to be here right now. As per usual, Vanity has that exasperated producer look on her face and Anatasia just looks as annoyed as she always does.
Vanity shakes her head at the bumper cars crashing in front of him and turns to look at Poe. "Why'd we stop here again?"
Anastasia's eyes are rolling at the same bumper car antics. "Because Archie was riding with his head out the window. Again. And saw this place from the highway."
Vanity nods as if remembering. "Do you guys normally break and enter to play bumper cars?"
Anastasia looks over at Vanity with a tired look, "It's Tuesday, isn't it?"
Vanity has no idea how she should even respond to that but it seems like she's gotten her answer.
"Whatever. As long as we make it to Portland on time, I guess this little pit stop won't hurt." Anastasia seems like she's trying to relax.
Vanity remembers, "Oh, that's right. His debut is happening soon. At uh..."
"Clash for the Cup."
"Clash for what cup?"
"No idea." Poe shrugs it off. "And it's just the Pre-Show. He's the fucking warm-up act. We'll be lucky if a hundred people see him in action. But..."
"But?"
"But if we're going to make an impact, we might as well do it at what I'm assuming is one of Project Honor's yearly events. If Archie does well, we can really get some traction behind him. Get this Third Time the Charm it needs."
Vanity's got her phone out now and she's furiously texting, "I got a few connects in Portland. I'll see what I can set up for you guys. Line up a few--"
The Goofy scream comes alongside the falling body of Archimedes J. Manson as he crashes into the ground at the feet of Vanity and Anastasia. His Chaos Ranger suit flickers and disappears from his body as both women look down at him.
"-- appearances."
Anastasia shakes her head and reaches out to offer Manson a hand. "You alive?"
"I think so." Archimedes pulls himself to his feet and tries to shake off the pain of getting knocked out of a bumper car and smashing into the ground. "When I regain the feeling in my face, I'll let you know."
"Sounds like a plan."
Archimedes dusts himself off and looks back over to the bumper cars war still being waged.
"By the way, remind me to never call Lord Smashington the H-Word again. He no likey."
Vanity and Anastasia look at each other and then at Archie.
"H-Word?" "H-Word?"
Archie looks around for a moment before he leans in between them in preparation to get his whisper on. And then a megaphone is brought up to his lips.
"HAMMER!"
The megaphone gets tossed over his shoulder, just in time for Archimedes to notice that Lord Smashington's bumper car is headed in his direction.
"Wuh-oh!" Archie plants a kiss on both of their cheeks before leaping up and taking off in an escape run.
Vanity's trying to find the cure to hearing loss because OW. Meanwhile, Anastasia (she's used to Archie's antics by now) pulls an earplug out of her ear and stands up to yell after him.
"Don't you die, Arch! We still have a whole second half of this promo left to do!"
But it's no use. The giant hamm-MALLET is chasing down Archimedes J. Manson across the bumper car floor.
Yeah, let's just fast forward to the next part of this thing. Yeesh.
"Hi."
"My name is Archimedes J. Manson. The J stands for... Juliet."
"You may recognize me from such things as Kingdom Pro or Xavier Woods Emojis. And I'm here to talk to you today about one of the most important things in the history of the world."
"Safety."
"You see, as a young toon growing up in the slums of Cool World, I often found myself having to deal with all sorts of things. Angry nickels, falling anvils, U2 downloading their entire album onto my iPhone without my consent. Very dangerous times to live in. But I always found a way to make it through. Usually, with the help of my friends. But also... the police."
"Now hold on, I get it. I've seen Law and Order. I watch the news. I know all about the Black Lines Mattress movement. And I support it. But I also support the real boys and girls and bobcats in blue that wear this uniform for all the right reasons. Like making their ass look good. Or free doughnuts. Oh, and also, you get a gun! How freaking cool is that!"
"Sadly, though, not everyone that gets yelled at by an angry police chief because of their aggravated sciatica. No, there are some people that abuse the power given to them by white men in suits. They go around stroking their billy clubs and making a bloody mess all over the place! And that's just not nice. And what do we do with people that aren't nice?"
"WE KICK THEIR FUCKING HEADS IN, RIP OFF THEIR NUTS, AND FEED 'EM TO SCREWY SQUIRREL!"
"Luckily, come Clash for the Cup, I get to do just that."
"You see, as the New Hunka Burning Love on the Block, I'm walking into Project: Honor with every card in the deck stacked against me. It's me against the world! And in Portland for Zod's Sakes! That makes it even worse. But! I have decided to not be upset about this. I've decided that the only way to prove that this is where I belong is to do my damndest to obliterate every obstacle that's put into my path."
"Even ones the size of Officer Greyfield."
"I've been around the block a few dozen reboots and I've see coppers like you before, see? Yeah, I know your type. Preying on the weak and animated. Trying to enforce, ugh, rules. Swearing your making the world a better place! But we all know the truth. We all know all you're really doing it making it BORING. Sucking the fun out of life. Draining the hilarious life force from humanity. Depriving the world of the chaos needed for it to thrive. And what I have to say that is simply this..."
"HOW RUDE!"
"So here's what's going to happen, El Cop-o. We're going to meet up at Clash for the Cup. And we're going to climb between those ropes and then somebody's going to ring the bell. And you're going to come at me with every pound of that Krispy Kreme'd gut of yours. And I'm going to knock you all the way back to Police Academy 3. And while you're trying to figure out how the hell to get out of 1986, I'm gonna' celebrate my glorious victory with a nice tall glass of Purple Stuff."
"IN CONTUSION, allow me to say this. I know half of what I just said makes absolutely no sense. And I'm pretty sure whatever you have or had to say about our match makes or made even less sense. Also, I'm way more of an actions speak louder than words kind of guy anyway, so it kind of just works out that way. I want you to know that this is absolutely and unequivocally not business."
"This time... it's personal."
"Okay, not really, I've just always wanted to say that."
"BRING IT ON, COPPER! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
"... yeah, I've always wanted to say that too."
"Anyway, this is Archimedes J. Manson. Signing off! And remember, the J stands for... Just Getting Started."
"CATCH PHRASE!"
"MIC DROP!"
"... oh, sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that last part. It was an action."
MIC DROP SFX.
"Noice."
CUT!