Post by lulu on Sept 10, 2021 23:00:02 GMT -5
Come one, come all, anyone and everyone unfortunate enough to be standing in the halls when the bell rang for aftercurriculars and there wasn’t another place for you to be. That only means you’re in the right place! Welcome to the bad cat timeout - grab a pen and pull up a chair while your president, Monsieur Minj, takes attendance. Icebreakers! Name, pronouns, favorite Minj music video and/or performance, and the crime that got you sentenced to die in Azaelia Banks’ drafted messages in journal format also known as….
CRINGEWORTHY OR MINJWORTHY: The NINETH LIFE
Pride month felt like ages ago, yet we finally spun the wheel an oldie but goodie: Wrath Month! A meow meow isn’t quite a meow meow without committing mass murder, that’s just a sparkling whine, so I’ll admit that expectations for my behavior when I’m not in front of a camera or behind a microphone are so unholy that Lil’ Nas X twerks on them. I’m not above admitting fault and growing. I admitted that adding glitter to my gaymer grrrl bathwater was a bad idea; BUT YOU ONLY WORRY ABOUT CHOKING HAZARDS ON THINGS YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO DRINK!!!111 I admitted that doing Tiktok dances on the Fortnite Martin Luther King Jr. Memorials was a bad idea, but you’ve gotta understand: I’m not from the states! I just see something massive and phallic and decide, what if I decide to hit the Renegage or twerk on this? In retrospect, the Lincoln memorial is an absolutely beautiful monument that absolutely does NOT get me warm underneath the collar!
[Pictured: My face when the social media manager makes Minj’s collar go zappies again to calm them down.]
For the most part, simple misunderstandings as I move to a new country for new ventures has been the most warm and welcoming experience I ever could’ve had. The American dream isn’t something one achieves by themselves, and the communities of cashiers willing to cut seconds off my life with Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Saweetie meals are making me feel as though I was born here. But for a small minority of people who cannot possibly imagine a world where Japanese idol can exist in a world while other idols continue to commit horrible crimes such as fogging mirrors and criminal possession of heartbeats, there’s been a lot of chirping on the Azul Azian application. Why decide to take a leave?
‘You’ve got hits on rotation on the radio and sold-out concerts wherever you decide to appear. You don’t check price tags anymore! You’ve got women dying to be you and men dying to be with… wait… I might’ve gotten that one backwards. Why Minj, WHY spend a second away from the limelight to join a place fans struggle to differentiate between Project: Honor and Project: Hombres fighting in the parking lot?
Monsieur Minj doesn’t answer this line of questioning self-realization during too many rounds of 21 questions left me as a catboy. Imagine what’d happen if I kept going down that route? I CANNOT live off those Lonelyfans subscriptions especially considering… recent events. I’m a creative and my hand doesn’t lead my pen, my heart does. I’ve taken to studying Project Honor extremely closely to ensure a completely effortless landing. This adventure is something serious, nya~! Meow meow cannot wait to fight with the likes of…
[Cue reading on hand like a nervous sixteen year old me in Spanish class]
With MAYO-JIN! Meow meow will watch the main event with awe, as Elena DeDrag Queen fights against the Fallout Roblox Champion, Steve from Minecraft! Minj has SOOOOO many things to learn on his way to the top, but so many opportunities to show what Minj is made of! Sides, if letting a knife inside you gets a free ride to the top, imagine how far I’ll go when I let-
[Pictured: my internalized shame stopping me from typing out that post.]
This is all to say, I’ve gotten where I am because I wouldn’t miss a single opportunity to make the world as pretty as possible. ‘But Minj, what about your fans who don’t care about your work or your music, but they care about you? Having a flamboyant, charismatic and potentially bisexual (or more like buysexual depending on how this wrestling thing works out) role model is important for so many people!
Darlings, in an industry filled with people that’ve whispered their contribution and disappeared into the wallflowers, I’ve screamed loud enough to drown out thousands. LGBTQ representation is lacking, but I’ve been doing this for a decade. The shy closeted kid is secretly listening to my music on the bus is now a genderfluid software developer that pays rent, and I wouldn’t be true to myself to infantalize them and their polyamorous housemates.
Sides, pen got put to paper, and events are moving forward faster than I thought they would. Plus, chances are my opponents won’t give me the luxury of lamenting! Casanova English, a man with a name like Sherlock and a face like Hannibal! English, who gave you the right to BREXIT my sleep paralysis nightmares and sign a contract? One immediately assumes our faces next to one another on the marketing materials for the match is either a joke, or some ‘Beauty and the Beast’ type contrast. It’s age before beauty Casanova, which means you’re coming in third place. Kidding, kidding! Diversity is respected at Project Honor, and that means everyone gets to see themselves represented! This includes pasty burnouts who spent WAYY too much self-obsessing with how they’re looked at that they didn’t make anything worth looking at. Look into your background and I see someone who checks all of the boxes… but not as if they’re a natural star, but as if they’re TRYING to check those boxes. Fight how you’re supposed to fight, dress how you’re supposed to dress, except you aren’t on your Justin Timberlake suit and tie, you’re a petticoat princess unable to understand that being an edgy tryhard isn’t cute!
...Speaking of cute… Bryan Williams… How? Is? Someone? So hot? So painfully bland?
Looking into his matches and the trend continues, alas! Wrestling is an art, and to make art you must breathe life into it! Alas, don’t worry your pretty little head off! Either during the match or after, this meow meow can show you the power of adding a little spice to your bland life. I’d offer a penny for your thoughts, but how’s a quid instead? A man without a face, coming from parts unknown, with no known backgrounds…
You’re making the poor theatre child in me tingly! But how many Fyrefests, how many Theranos’, and how many scammers must we encounter to understand the element of surprise doesn’t make up for substance? If the biggest barrier between you accomplishing your goals is me knowing them, is that a testimony to the skill of your opponents? Or your lack thereof?
The person stepping out of this match with their hand held high won’t be the SPOOOOOPIEST. It won’t be the most mysterious. It won’t be the most… bury my face in your pecs…. Est. It’ll be the person who can move the best. A match with multiple competitors with so many wide skillsets, you don’t need to be edgy. You don’t need to be strong. You need to be form-fitting, adaptable, and capable of turning any stage you’re on into a dance floor, no matter the music playing. Take my hand and never look back - the cat’s not only out of the bag, but he’s collecting it.