Post by ttthet on Sept 10, 2021 21:15:09 GMT -5
Our scene starts at an unidentified office building. TJ Thompson sits in front of a desk where a guy in a suit runs down TJ’s potential contract.
Suit: All you have to do is sign here, and I’ll make you a very rich man.
TJ Thompson: Awesome! I have too many giraffes living with me. Apparently, animals can’t just eat air! That seems like bad design, but whatever. I need cash, and selling Petey on the internet didn’t work out too well for me.
Suit: ...You mean selling his stuff?
TJ Thompson: Nope! Listen. It’s a long story. Anyway, what were you saying?
Suit: Uh...as long as you stick to our contractual obligations, you’ll be able to feed all the giraffes you want! How much are you making nowadays?
TJ Thompson: Well since I left Wrestleworld out of shame, my income got cut in half! I now know what it’s like to be poor. I can’t even afford to pay off my fifteen-thousand dollar LG Gaming Smart Fridge! Times are tough! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY FORTNITE WITHOUT A SMART FRIDGE?!?
Suit: Whatever you’re making right now, we’ll triple it!
TJ Thompson: Cool! But what’s the catch?
Suit: All you need to do is a few things. But they probably won’t interfere with your everyday life that much, right? First thing, you’re gonna need to have one of our camera crews following you around at all times. To film anything we need for...promotional material!
TJ Thompson: Damn, I guess y’all are gonna get a show when I meet up with Sauce’s mom! That’s okay, I guess. I even have one right now!
TJ gestures to the window where a camera crew is hanging on the side of the skyscraper.
Suit: Uhh...okay. Next thing is that you’re gonna have to film commercials anytime we want. We need to catch you in your natural environment. You’ll wear an earpiece at all times and we’ll let you know when to do what you need to do.
TJ Thompson: Jeez, all the time?!? That sounds a little excessive, bro! Sometimes I can’t just stop whatever I’m doing to film a commercial! And sometimes there are places you probably don’t want me to do a commercial in. Like when I’m in the bathroom. Or...other things…
Suit: Don’t worry, we’ll know when the time is right. All you have to do is live your normal life! And enjoy the money we give you.
TJ Thompson: Do I really have to be on call 24/7?!? I know how you companies are. All corrupt and shit! No offence, but in any partnership, I’ve gotta be the corrupt one! Someone else has to take the moral high ground! This sounds pretty sus!
Suit: I feel your pain, but don’t worry, you can trust us! Besides, nobody said earning all this money was gonna be easy! We don’t offer this deal to just anyone. Only the dumbest and easiest to manipulate...I mean...the ones we trust the most to get the job done! I know you want that money! Just follow our instructions and everything will turn out fine!
TJ Thompson: I still don’t know…
Suit: And we’ll throw in a lifetime supply of free McDonald’s gift cards!
TJ Thompson: Oh shit, fuck my personal freedom to live my life in peace! Free food! I’ll take it!
Suit: Great! All you need to do is sign here, here and here!
TJ signs the contract and the scene fades to black.
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The scene opens back up to TJ Thompson being followed around by the corporate camera crew. He’s in the middle of escaping his latest kidnapping attempt.
TJ Thompson: Damn, I thought people would think twice about yoinking me off the street if I had a whole camera crew following me around! They really wanna shove me in their van! But that's not even the worst part. The camera crew doesn't even care! They even asked the kidnappers to let them in the back so they can keep filming! AND THEY LET THEM! Oh shit!
TJ jumps out of the way, barely avoiding being run over by the white van.
Cameraman 1: This footage is great!
TJ Thompson: Run him over, not me!
As the kidnappers jump out of the van, TJ gets a message in his earpiece and one of the cameramen hands him a script.
TJ Thompson: What the fuck, man, now's not the time! I think I'm doing something more important than that right now!
Cameraman 1: Think about the free food!
TJ Thompson: ...Okay. Wait...does that say Raid: Shadow Legends?!? Oh god, I've turned into a monster! Uhh...Raid: Shadow Legends is a free to play mobile game- oh shit!
TJ abandons the commercial and shoves the sound guy at the kidnappers running at him. They fall over like bowling pins, and TJ casually leaves. As he walks away, he gets handed another script.
TJ Thompson: Fine, I guess I got time for this one...wait. Is this propaganda against me?!? Free Gerald?!? Alright let's see...do you care about animals? How would you feel if you knew that a giraffe was being held against its will...you can't expect me to say this shit! I'm literally talking shit about myself! I'm starting to think that this whole thing ain't worth it. Y'all gotta worry about Sauce more than Gerald. He's pretty in shambles.
TJ takes out his phone and calls up the suit that he signed the contract with.
TJ Thompson: Yo, I'm gonna tell you straight. This whole thing kinda sucks. I can't have a moment of peace, and even when I could use them, these camera dudes are kinda useless. They support kidnapping and shit! And don't get me started on the actual commercials! I don't know who thought that was a good idea. It doesn't even make sense, but you know, greed. I want out!
Suit: You signed the contract! But I'll tell you what. Do one more commercial and I'll rip it all up.
TJ Thompson: Do I still get paid?
Suit: No.
TJ Thompson: Do I still get free food?
Suit: Hell no!
TJ Thompson: Fine! Send it over.
TJ gets handed the last script.
TJ Thompson: Bruh. Is this thing advertising EFEDDING?!? I can handle threats to national security. I can do corny shit. But I can't support these nerdy activities! Who's paying for this? Probably someone's mom. Wait a second...why do I care about contracts?
Suit: Because we'll sue you!
TJ Thompson: And I'll make a run for it! I don't care about this! Laws are overrated!
With that new revelation, TJ hangs up the phone and jumps in and drives away in the conveniently parked DRIPMOBILE.
TJ Thompson: I wonder who put that there? Maybe giraffes can actually drive.
Suit (to himself): I gotta kidnap that guy…
The scene fades to black.
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Believe it or not, we are indeed...out here. I’m a success story they should tell kids. Be like TJ! You can win like three matches a year, but still find your way into the main event of the biggest event of the year! This season, I didn’t really do that much. You could probably put a lot of people ahead of me, but here I am! Still, despite doing pretty shit, I’m still on top of the card because fuck em. All those people that think they earned a high spot on the card?!? They probably did...but fuck it, give it to me anyway. Indy knows what he’s doing! Did I get carried at all?!? Nah. This was all me! I did this all on my own! I’m taking all the credit because I need shit to brag about...times are tough lately. But whatever. Some people call me a greedy guy. I guess that’s a little true! But if every single thing in the world benefited me, we wouldn’t have any problems. I can’t let my greed take advantage of me now, though. I’ve gotta be a member of a team! Team Proving Ground! Woooooo!!! Not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of the whole brand patriotism shit. I don’t...really care? Yeah. But I’m sure Indy knows that, that’s why he bribed us with title matches to get us to shut up and get along. If everyone just bribed me instead of resorting to violence, I bet my life would be a lot better right now. You don’t see Fallout getting title matches, do you?!? Nah. Because they’re already loyal! That place is like a cult. You sign your contract and immediately start feeling those warm and fuzzy things towards Demarco. I don’t wanna know what kind of things go on behind the scenes there. They don’t need bribes because all they need is their love for the place that employs them. Weird? Yeah. But does that mean they’re any good?!? Naaaaaaaah. Do I have any incentive to win? Not really, I get my shot either way, but winning is also pretty nice. Especially in the main event of Night of Honor!
We’re pretty different. Proving Ground is the little dysfunctional family, and Fallout is like...the edgy skater boys that don’t use deodorant. If I were them, I would get started on that. Proving Ground has its problems, but we also have actual talent! Teamwork doesn’t mean much if everyone sucks. They should put that quote in the bible. Fallout ain’t shit. Though I’m in a pretty awkward situation. I was throwing hands with two of my new friends like...last month. That’s not good. But it could be worse. I’m sure we can all put our differences aside for the common goal of beating these nerds. We don’t like each other, but whipping the shit out of the edgy bois matters more, am I right? Of course. I’m always right? I can’t see us losing this shit. We’ve got Mark Hunter, a former Grand Champ with us. Do you see any gold or past gold on the other team? Probably not! I’m too lazy to check! We got Ulf! He’s pretty good. We teamed that one time and I can’t complain. We took an L...but I’m sure he just had a bad day! Even on one of his bad days, he could beat Team Fallout with one arm tied behind his back. He’s not THAT good. They’re just shit. Who else...Swindledick! That’s what everyone calls him, I don’t know, bro. He should get a new nickname. That one’s not too flattering. His name starts with Swindle, so he’s gonna...swindle out this dub for us? That’s all I got, so he better do it. There’s Arata! Uhh...we don’t talk about that one. I remember someone said that I’m as white as white can be. And Arata isn’t the biggest fan of paleness for some reason. Yikes. But...yeah I can’t come up with an excuse for this one, he’s pretty bad. Can we work together? Probably not, but at least we’re supposed to be on the same side in this one. Trust me, guys. This is all gonna work out.
Proving Ground has a diverse roster. We’re all different in our own little way. That sounded like a commercial, but you know what I mean. But on Fallout, there are only a few people on top with all the championships that matter. And do you see any of them fighting against us? Nope! Anyone that’s not Jason and friends ends up in the same little matches that don’t mean shit. They all take turns in the bi-weekly fifty-man Ascension Title battle royal or something. And the bad thing about that is that they’re all fine with that! These hoes are all the same. They’re all interchangeable. I bet you could slap a whole new team in front of us and they’d lose in the same way. They all have the same personality, some variation of spooky, edgy and angry. And something something hardcore match. That’s probably why they all like each other. If there was another TJ in the world, I bet we would be besties! Proving Ground has our differences, but that’s what makes us strong and shit. And no, I totally wasn’t fed that line from that teleprompter. But don’t worry guys, we’re gonna beat the shit out of those Fallout clones. And if we don’t, we can forget this promo ever existed!
I’m not too familiar with our actual competition though, to be honest. There was that one brawl two weeks ago...and that was it. Luckily for me, that was all I needed to run to unwise conclusions! Great! Proving Ground is just built different. Fallout can’t handle us. This shit’s about to be a sweep, you heard it here first. And first, I gotta start with SWITCHBLXDE. Why? Because I feel like I need to go after someone worse than me to salvage my ego. Let’s go! First of all, how do you even say that shit? You know this is real life, right? Sure it looks kinda cool when you’re reading it, but I have a feeling most wrestling fans don’t read. You’re the reason our ring announcer might never work again. My grammar is pretty shit, but this is some second grade naming. I’m the kind of corny, and even I can’t stomach this atrocity! But whatever. Your name isn’t the only corny thing about you. I was forced to listen to what you said before your little jobber match, and...you were trained by some deadly Canadian boys? So like...a moose? Okay, I’ll give you that one! Mans is gonna grow some antlers out of his head and impale me. It’s an improvement from his wrestling skills at least. I mean really, man. You mention the word sadistic and Canada in the same sentence and expect anyone to take you seriously?!? I mean, I’m sure someone drowned in maple syrup and nobody ever found the body, but I don’t know how you’re gonna drag a vat of that shit in the ring. Yikes, man. You sound like a less wholesome version of me. I feel like everything you say doesn’t really mean anything. Sure, it’s hard to say too much about a shorter version of Pat the Postman, but you could’ve just...shut up. Nothing you say really does anything for you. You’re just saying words to say words. There ain’t no royalty on Fallout, but I guess you just wanna pretend you’re different. On Proving Ground or literally anywhere else but Fallout, maybe you’d be a little unique! A little different than everyone else, you know? But Fallout is full of edgy bois. And you’re just another one getting lost in the shuffle. I could find fifty others like you on that roster. They all say the same thing, that they’re gonna take PH by storm and win everything...but they don’t. They wanna take this place by storm, but do they actually? Nope. Not after losing three Ascension Title matches in a row, at least. And I’m sure that’s what’s coming your way!
And trust me, nobody cares what you think either. I feel like you have something wrong here. For people to think about you, they actually have to know who you are. But it’s good that you already disregarded their opinions that don’t exist yet! Before you can start talking shit, you might wanna have something to your name first. But here’s your chance! The main event! Now’s your chance to prove why you’re such a thug and all that. I don’t really know. But when you lose, I’m sure you’ll still be a thug. Come on, Switchy. This isn’t gonna end well for you, and after you hold this L, you’re gonna have a future on the undercard to look forward to. Have fun with that!
Aight, who’s next? Let’s move onto Charon Seede. Let’s see, another “sadistic” one? Yep. Am I surprised? Not really! This guy is a little more existential than good old Switchy, though. He needs to lighten up. And maybe see a barber. Alright, Charon, I see that you’re with your people. You can have all the deathmatches you want but in a match where you can only use your hands, I feel like you’re kinda fucked. It’s a good thing you like all kinds of pain, because you’re gonna be getting much more than you give out. I’ve seen people like you for my entire career. If you’re on Fallout, you obviously like inflicting pain, right? It would be kinda weird if you didn’t. It’s not into the spirit of the brand and shit. So, you know what’s coming, right? Not just in this match but in the whole future of the world. Or so you think. That’s probably cap, but it’s a disguise you gotta keep up. But what happens when you go up against someone actually good and you get proven wrong? Does that mean that you actually don’t know everything or do you just pretend that never happened? The second one is what I usually do. But we share the same things because I too know what’s coming. First, it’s Sauce’s mom. And then it’s a dub for Proving Ground. See what I did there? If the world is dying, it better take mosquitoes out with it, man. For that part, I’ll take you for your word because I don’t feel like arguing about that part. If this was some Deathmatch, we’d probably have a slightly smaller chance at winning. I’m humble! I admit that! And I know when I’m beat. But it’s not one of these times! You just gotta trust me here. Charon, I’m about to whip the shit out of you, bro. The end is indeed near! Just not in a whole world ending style. Just your chances of winning a wrestling match. Which when you look at that compared to the other option, you’d probably want to take the loss. Anyway...that ass is mine, boy!
And then there’s his tag team partner Laz! Wait a second, is that just the same person? Did someone copy and paste Charon and rename him? They look and sound the same, so they might be the same guy. Bruh. Demarco’s really cloning people out here. That’s gotta be against the law or something. Anyway, we have another Deathmatch guy. I’m totally not surprised at all! This is some original shit, man. So let’s see! Laz, I feel you, bro. Inflicting pain good. Look at me guys, I’m so edgy. I don’t care about you! I know how you feel about everything because I just went over that shit a couple of seconds ago. I think I’m a good person, you know? But to be a wrestler, you can’t really care about anyone’s well-being too much, because it’s your job to beat them up so badly that they can’t lift their shoulder off the mat for a whole three seconds. You can’t exactly stop and ask them if they’re okay while you’re taking a break from beating them up. Wrestlers aren’t the most compassionate people, you know? I feel like that’s kinda normal. But you and your buddy make that like half your personality. I get it, hurting people is pretty cool. You should put that quote in your biography. But believe it or not...for us, there’s probably gonna be minimal hurt going around. I know, man. You’re gonna have to go out there and disappoint Demarco so badly that he...does something. I don’t know. I’m sure you care about him a little bit, right? No? Still too edgy to? Fine. Your corny asses are done for anyway. And then after you and Charon can go enjoy hurting yourselves or whatever.
Moving away from the greasy twins, there’s Ellie Quinn? She...also doesn’t care about what anyone thinks. Goddamn, that’s a shocker. I never would’ve seen it coming! Okay. I’m running out of shit to say about these people that might just be personality clones of each other, man. But at least...she wasn’t born that way? Does anyone really care? Not really. And I’m the good guy in all of this! Imagine what Arata thinks. You know what, he probably doesn’t care what anyone thinks either...okay forget I said that. Ellie, I’m sorry to hear about your mental breakdown, but I wish your split personality was a little more creative. I saw what you had to say against Rapman or whatever his name is and...well at least I can stop talking about the one trait that you share with literally everyone on your team! I see a lot of people like you carrying their accolades from irrelevant companies like we care. Flexing that you beat someone that nobody knows and expecting us to be amazed. We do not care. You’re a champion in whatever backyard fed that’s run by your cousin with a bad hairline. Good for you? But I feel like you focus on that so much because that’s the only thing you have to brag about. You can do better than that, Ellie! Well, probably not, but I’m trying to be positive here. In PH, your belt means nothing. I’m gonna let you know now. And if that and jobbing out Rapture are the only things you can say about yourself, you’re gonna be in for a tough time. Everyone wants to take over this company, you know. And I know, you’re totally gonna be the one to do it despite having the same goal as everyone with half a brain cell on Fallout. But for now, you’re just another spooky, edgy, Fallout clone. Therefore, you ain’t shit. It’s kinda sad in a funny way, you know. If you’re so broken in the head and all. So violent, edgy, all that shit. How bad at wrestling is the sane side? Even worse, probably.
Now’s your chance to beat everyone that’s employed here. You started off with an easy one, too. But here’s the part where reality sinks in! When you realize that you might be a big deal in Ding Dong Pro or whatever, but in the big leagues, you’re just another meaningless roster member. Doomed to wrestle the same meaningless matches over and over again while you talk about the same shit. Bragging about how violent and edgy you are while you lose an Ascension Title match. At least there’s next time! I might win once a decade, but at least I mix it up a little! Keep going, though. If you weren’t like everyone else on your brand, maybe this loss would humble you! But I know what’ll happen. Meh. It’s not like I’m ever gonna see you again, right?
Time for the final stretch! I’m getting bored of this shit. And I’m sure somewhere in the world, someone’s hands are hurting. Mason Destruction. I think he likes destroying things, guys. At least he’s a little more unique! Sure, he has the whole destruction thing going for him, but...he’s a little different! And at least he’s honest about his past experience too! I don’t know if that backyard shit really works, but he’s had a belt! I guess he’s doing something right. Not gonna lie, out of everyone on the Fallout team, I think Mason is the most competent. That’s not too much of a compliment, though. He has the pedigree. It’s equal to mine, which automatically means it’s good because anything related to me has to be! You can’t go wrong with a former champ! He’s probably the best our opponents have to offer. But compared to his opponents...he’s actually not that good. Oh well. Positive time over. Mason, I know what it’s like to lose a title. I bet you respect the guy that beat you a lot! It’s too bad that belt belongs to neither of you now, right? Maybe he wasn’t that good and you were just that worse. I’m just saying. It makes sense! Nothing’s been going your way, but if there was a time to bounce back, it would be in the main event of Night of Honor! But getting stepped on won’t do too much for you. You know where I’m going with this. You seem like a logical guy. You should know what’s coming with all these corny-ass goths around you. Do you think they’ll stand a chance? Do you think they’ll make good teammates? And we all know you can’t do shit against all of us on your own! There’s only one way this thing can end, and you’re in harm’s way! We’re not in the backyard anymore, but I guess you know that, right? Out of everyone on that team, I’m sure you’ll put up the biggest fight, but it’s all gonna end the same way no matter how much effort you put into it. You’re taking that L. I’m sure you won’t give up without a fight. But we’ll always be that much better than you. It’s nothing personal!
I can’t see us losing this, not gonna lie. We have all the tools needed, all we have to do is follow through and stomp on these geeks! Proving Ground was the OG. Fallout never exists without us, you know. And they can do their own thing, fine, whatever. But these hoes have been getting a little uppity. And someone’s gotta put them in their place! Probably Mark Hunter. But I’ll be there too! They can have their Deathmatches, their edginess, but when they get put in front of us, they’ll be exposed as bottom-tier bums. On Fallout, there are only a few people that matter to the rest of Project Honor, and none of these hoes are one of them. They don’t stand a chance.
Let’s call it a clean sweep.