Post by serranopoblano on Aug 25, 2021 19:40:45 GMT -5
We join The Ambassador of Flavor Town in The Hotter Than Hell test kitchen where he takes a break from his rigorous training regimen to address this week's Proving Ground.
SERRANO: The time is almost upon us! Soon I will face the dreaded and legendary…
He pauses to look at a name scribbled on his palm.
SERRANO: ...Mason Kane. Now if you're like me and wouldn't know Mason Kane if he stole your favorite pair of flip flops, here's the 411 on his momma's least favorite son. He's Lance William's butler or chauffeur. Something like that.
The Heater pauses to stuff a fistful of ghost chilis in his mouth, but then continues to talk, spitting slimey particles all over the camera lens.
SERRANO: Tha thing is *munch munch* we been goin' back an' fort' on dat tweet machine *slurp* an' it made me recall one o' my earliest mem'ries o' my momma, Carolina Reaper...
SERRANO: ...an' my daddy, Shishito Habanero Poblano...
JANUARY 22ND, 1988 (The following is a dramatic reenactment)
There I was, chilling in a womb with a view when Momma Carolina decided it was time for me to move out. My daddy, the legendary luchador from Japan, had managed to fly in from his tour just as our family physician, Dr. Benito Cubanelle was taking a gander between her legs. It's still kinda blurry for me, but I'm guessing this is what he saw...
Hot Damn! I must have been a beautiful baby up there in my momma's hidey hole. To this day, legend says that I was born with a full chest of hair and that I had Heaven's recipe for the hottest wing sauce clutched in my little sausage fingers. But that's not the point of my story...
DR. CUBANELLE: You're doing great, Ms. Reaper. Just one more push…
CAROLINA REAPER: Nnnnggghhhaaarrrggghhh *fart*
SHISHITO HABANERO: That's it honey...I can see the head! My god...that hair is magnificent!
DR. CUBANELLE: Oof. That's a big one. Nurse, we're going to need the salad spoons for this one!
SHISHITO HABANERO: No! I will never allow a child of mine to be associated with salad!
CAROLINA REAPER: NNNGGGHAAA! GET OUT OF ME YOU SPICY LITTLE BASTARD!!!!
DR. CUBANELLE: That's it! It's finally out! Mr. Habanero, Ms. Reaper, congratulations! It's a…
My doctor had to pause a second in order to shove my already developed abs out of the way.
DR. CUBANELLE: It's a boy! It's a spicy thirty six pound, thirteen ounce bundle of joy…
And that's when I let the world know that the Savior of Spice had arrived.
*flatulence noises*
DR. CUBANELLE: Oh...looks like we're gonna need some diapers over here…
CAROLINA REAPER: I'm going to name him...Serrano!
DR. CUBANELLE: That's a beautiful name, now if you'll excuse me, I'll just get rid of this placenta…
SHISHITO HABANERO: Wait! If my wife gets to name our son, it's only fair for me to have a turn…
My daddy looked over to get a good look at the placenta, which is basically the thing that siphoned out my baby poo when I was stuffed up in my momma's guts. Still, it didn't take my daddy long to reach a conclusion...
SHISHITO HABANERO: Ew. That's a nasty pile of Mason Kane if I've ever seen one!
The flashback shimmers away as we return to the present day.
SERRANO: So there you have it. Mason Kane is really the mild residue from my own spicy birth. That not only explains his irrational hatred of me, but also his general ugliness and deep-seated need to be loved. Well, I'm sorry little goo brother, but that love you're desperately seeking won't be found on Proving Ground! Instead, I'm going to finally finish what started many years ago by consuming you in order to reach my full potential and achieve my ultimate form of...Super Saiyan Serrano! See you at Proving Ground, my little afterbirth bitch!
