F.E.A.R

 Or

Face Everything and Rise

Baltimore, MD

10:42 PM

The last couple of days have been far from pleasant. Of course I am happy I faced another monster and defeated him. That win had not been something I was given. I earned it. Truly earned it, despite what anyone might say or dismiss. Euan Hill made sure of it. My body is aching and covered in bruises where he had struck me. The most painful area at the current moment is a bruise on the left side of my torso.

It hurt to move and yet here I was taking a stroll through the brightly lit city of Baltimore. I needed to clear my head. Wrap my head around the next battle. I shake my head as each of their names comes to my mind. Two of them I don't know much about. Aiden Reynolds and Elena Dedraca.

The other one… Well I love him. Matthew Knox. And we are going to be going head to head on Valentine's Day nonetheless. I stick my hands in my pockets trying to keep myself warm as I cross a street mostly empty of cars and people on foot. And Mameha. She hasn't said anything on this matter yet.

I slowly inhale the crisp air and let it out trying to see the big picture. How have I gotten myself to this point in time? What do I have inside of me that none of them do? What sets me apart from them? Why should I be The Legacy Champion over any one of them?

And that's when I hear her scream. I turn my head quickly feeling alarmed. No. It's fear creeping under my skin. Fear for this little girl, as my eyes settle on a building not too far away. It's a few stories high with smoke billowing out of the windows on the second floor. There are people gasping as they stop in front of the building on foot. Their mouths agape in a look of horror as some of them begin whipping out their phones to call for help.

I feel my heart beat race in my chest as my feet carry me to the burning building. I move faster as people begin exiting the building holding their loved ones trying to get to safety. Some of them are coughing as the smoke has spread throughout the building I am sure of.

And then she screamed again. That piercing shriek cutting through that air that makes me start running in a sprint. And not away from the scene. I could have easily walked away from that scream. Acted like I couldn't do a thing. But no. My feet carry me towards that scream in a real hurry. The sound of firetrucks in the distance I can faintly hear. They are too far. They aren't close enough. I burst through the entrance and I began running through dimly lit halls, banging on doors as I went past doors and people trying to leave this burning apartment building screaming, "Fire!"

Finally finding a flight of stairs, more people are hurrying down, I begin my ascent. Running up the stairs as fast as I can. Getting to the second floor, I cover my face with my arm and run towards where the smoke seems the worst.

And there I see it. A faint reddish orange glow under a door frame. I know she's in there. The closer I move to the door, the hotter it begins to feel. But the heat isn't warm and comforting like that bonfire Mameha had made for us after I made it up that daunting icy hill back in Canada. No. The fire feels hot. Like I am stepping into some hot oven to be cooked.

I begin kicking the door with my foot slowly hearing wood cracking and breaking under all the force I could send at it while still covering my face with one of my arms. That fear is still there too. Fear for her and for me. And then the door gave up fighting me as it flew open sending flames at my face.

I crouch and shield my face, letting a couple coughs out before I turn my eyes back to the entryway of the little apartment. I try to see through the flames. "Hello? You there?" And that's when I made her out. Laying on the floor next to a faded green couch. Unconscious. Unmoving. Even with the heat that surrounded me, I shivered at the sight.

I stood then, swallowing the fear I felt bubbling in my gut and I jumped. Jumped through the small opening I saw in the middle of the doorframe. I stuck my arms out in front of me so I could catch myself with a roll on the floor. I knew to stay low to the ground. Avoid breathing as much of that smoke as possible. I look around the space I am in as I stay crouched next to this girl with bright red hair and begin unzipping my coat. The burning walls around me have become that chamber I am meant to fight in. That fear is still there. But I face it. Just like everything else I have faced in and out of a ring.

As I wrapped the girl in my coat, covering her face to avoid her breathing in more smoke, I lifted her up cradling her against my chest. I wince as the bruise on my side stings from where one of her little arms rests. I take an unsteady breath as the sweat beads down my forehead. I whispered under the coat, "I got you," and with that I moved into action.

I bolt for that open, on fire doorway again and leap through it. My feet hit the floor with an unsteady landing. And then I moved. Coughing some more as I try my best to run while holding this limp little girl. The path in front of me is blurry. Not just because of dark smoke clouding the area, but because my eyes are stinging from being irritated by the smoke which has caused me to blink away water that formed.

I find the staircase, and let my feet guide me as best they can. I slip down the last few steps on the staircase and thankfully land on my behind and not on my face or on top of the girl who I hold protectively against me, trying to shield her from the inferno we were almost out of. After struggling to my feet, I carried us towards the exit. The closer we get to the exit I begin to hear the sirens more clearly. And a rather familiar voice.

"My daughter! Let me in! She's in there," I heard him yell. I begin to make out men at the front door who are blocking the path to avoid anyone running back inside. The man in front of him screaming for his daughter goes quiet when he begins to make us out.

"Ruby? Ruby! Let them through," the man said. The blockade of men parted like the red sea to let me pass. I stumbled past them coughing and crumpled to the floor cross legged carrying the still unmoving girl Ruby. I tossed my coat aside as the man fell to his knees next to me. A hand of his going to his girl's forehead. "Ruby! That's my girl! That's my daughter," he yelled in frustration and as if he were in physical pain as I began rubbing her back with one hand.

My other hand I checked for a pulse on the girl. I squeezed my eyes shut, rocking us. The water coming from my eyes and not because of the black smoke and I think. Please have a pulse Ruby. Please. Thud thud. Thud thud. Thud thud. I let out a deep shaky breath, the tears going down my cheeks, feeling overwhelmed. "She has a heartbeat," my watered-over eyes met that man's eyes once again.

It had been a long time since I saw him. I never caught his name. I just remembered him as the taxi man. The taxi man who had been the first person ever to ask me for my autograph. Not for him. For his little girl, Ruby. My biggest fan. Probably my only fan at the time. The little girl who had written me notes and left them for me under a tree behind the gym I hadn't stepped foot in for a long time. The little girl who told me she had taken my advice and had gotten braver. This was her.

I offered her out to her father so he could take her. He would grab hold of her just as her eyes slowly opened and she gave him a little smile. I catch a paramedic running towards us in the corners of my eyes. As the paramedic grabs hold of her I hear her say weakly and with that same little smile playing there on her features, "I think she was here Dad. The Dragon Lady. She saved me."

I got to my feet, feeling like I am in complete awe by this little girl. How could she know? And yet she did. I turned to leave the scene only for her father to catch up to me and give me a big hug. "I am James by the way," he said into my ear. "Thank you so much. My Ruby is my life."

With that, he pulled away from me and we stared at one another for a moment in silence. "I think I know you from somewhere," he said quietly.

I just shook my head, "No. We have never met. I'm Pearl." He nodded his head at me and turned to go back to his daughter. He would never know. The masked Lady who had sat in the backseat of his taxi once, the Lady his daughter called her hero, was here to save her.

I left then to find the fixer-upper me and Mameha have been trying to work on everytime we have made it back out this way. My lips slowly turned into a smile. Into the darkness I go. I begin to feel more ready for this match, thanks to little Ruby.

---

Words of Wisdom
            Life and Love

8: 30 PM

I follow the sound of music. It's slow. Relaxing as if the song was created to the tempo of the steady rain that fell beyond the balcony of our hotel room. Mameha and I decided to bunk together before this battle in a chamber. She thought, and I honestly thought it was for the best too, I couldn't be distracted. Not by anyone. Not even Matthew Knox.

Though still a very nice hotel room, it wasn't as grand as the place we stayed at in Canada. But this place felt more home-like with it's simple decor. The place feels light and airy with pretty flowers in vases all around and pictures of the ocean on the walls.

Our two beds have been moved together closing the distance between them so Mameha and I could chit chat before falling asleep every night since we got to London. We talked about nonsense most of the time and how grand London was in person. Neither of us had been to London and the place is so different than back home. Different, but nice.

The double doors that lead to the balcony are wide open letting fresh clean air waft into the room moving the flowers about in their vaces gently. My hair tickles my shoulders as I walk towards the balcony and let an arm rest against one of the door frames so I can enjoy the music.

I never knew Mameha played music. Nor would I have guessed she could play a pipa so well. I stand there just listening not wanting to interrupt Mameha or perhaps frightening her as her back is to me. She sat there cross legged rocking side to side slowly as her fingers moved across the pipas strings. No doubt her fingers I imagine look to be moving around in a most skilled way.

I closed my eyes then focusing on the pipa music. And it isn't just the sound of the strings vibrating that sound so wonderful. It's also the silence. Mameha is pacing herself after each string she struck, making the silence seem just as important as the sound. I feel as if some big story is being told behind each string struck and each silence that followed.

I shudder, remembering a time when I felt I had no story. A time when I felt I wasn't important and never could be anything better. But this melody. It speaks to me. I feel… like this song is telling my story. A story I feel is far from being over. A story I decided a long time ago would be mine to tell and no one else's.

I remember that night too. I'll never forget it. The night I packed all my belongings and left Frank's house of hell for good. I had no place to go that night. A whole 20 dollar bill with my name on it sat in my pocket crumpled up while a little nest egg sat in my bank account waiting for me to go spend it to start my new beginning. My job as a teacher's aid was done for. I think I knew the moment I walked out of that room I wasn't ever going to go back. Was I scared that night? Yes. Was I angry that night? More than any other night I'd ever lived.

But at the same time, this overwhelming sense of freedom took over the moment I stepped over the threshold of Frank's front door to leave and begin doing what I wanted to. No more trying to be the straight A student to become what my ma wanted for me. No. I wanted to wrestle. I wanted to get in a ring one day so I could show everyone how quick I am on my feet. I wanted to show everyone how strong I could be facing monsters.

The first monster had been defeated that night when I told Frank I couldn't try to help someone who didn't want to be helped. I couldn't try to help someone who never made an effort to change. I wanted to change. I needed to change. And I finally had the money I needed to get into wrestling school.

That night is the same night I had found myself angrily barging into a gym nearby the school where I had slid that crumpled 20 across a counter to get a membership. I had found a punching bag, and there Mameha had first presented herself to me. Not by name. By telling me I was kicking the wrong way. I shake my head at this memory of the woman who sat there filling my ears with pretty pipa music wanting to laugh. Back then I hadn't laughed. No, back then I looked at her with anger in my eyes and in my heart, not understanding there was some better way to shift my weight into each kick. After that night, well everything changed.

And I had never been so proud of myself as I was when I finally finished wrestling school and was able to offer Mameha a contract with my name on it. How many monsters have fallen since then? Enough for now. And even when they didn't fall I got better. Trained harder. Though my wrestling career is short right now, I couldn't be more pleased with the strength I have found within me to keep telling my story.

That's when my eyes opened and I listened to Mameha's voice singing to the beat of the pipa she played.

"Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall
Four season for love, four seasons for love
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall
Winter Spring summer and fall
Four seasons for love." And then the pipa slowly faded leaving us to listen to the drizzling rain falling before us.

Mameha turned to look at me sitting cross legged holding her instrument. I am surprised when I notice Mameha's eyes are watered over. I take a hesitant step forward, reaching a hand out to her and pause. "Mameha, what's wrong?"

She gave me a half smile and stared at me. Not like how my mentor should. She stared at me like a mother would. Like my ma used to. I feel a bit sad as we look into each other's eyes. It's been so many years since I saw my own ma, when I imagine her face most days, only Mameha's face comes to mind. I feel anguish seeing her look a little sad. I do not understand why she looks this way. Don't look that way, Mameha. Just don't. Please don't.

I can't say the words out loud. They won't come out. "You know, I feel I have gotten to know you so well since we met. And I know you feel the same. And yet, there is still so much you don't know and neither do I," her voice came out strong and true despite the way her eyes deceive her.

She turned to look back out at the storm in front of us as she motioned with a hand for me to sit next to her which I promptly do. "You will find the longer you live, that life always has some sort of surprise in store for you. And you will one day see, these little surprises happen when you most need them. My daughter," she said as she met my gaze again. "She was, and still is my most perfect fall. She was in my life when I most needed her. Her passing hurt. It always will. But she showed me what love is. She showed me how great and terrible life can be with and without love."

"I feel sorry for those without love. For someone who's never had love or doesn't have it now could never know what it means to truly live. You daughter," she took my hand closest to hers and squeezed. "You are and will always be my most perfect spring. You gave me hope back. You brought me back to life. You gave me purpose."

I looked at Mameha, feeling the love radiate from her. She had never said these words out loud to me. I knew just as well as she did. We had formed a bond over punching and kicking punching bags. We had formed a bond over sharing tea and letting each other save one another. We had formed a bond over me telling her I couldn't do it anymore while she said to me I could do it all.

And now her song makes more sense. Four seasons about love. And each season bringing someone or something into her life for her to love. I imagine every person or thing who she had sung about even if not all named, made her into the wonderful woman I see here in front of me. Humble and kind. Yet fierce. Empathetic and patient. Yet bold. A force to be reckoned with. And she too, would always be my spring.

Mameha let go of my hand and began softly playing that same tune as she rocked from side to side. "Live your life, Pearl. Be extraordinary. Live it for love and all the right reasons even when living your life for the wrong reasons might be easier." With that she closed her eyes and began playing more loudly, letting me alone to think about all she had said.

---

The Fight Inside
                       Me and You

9: 00 AM

I sit cross legged on our hotel balcony just as Mameha had done the other night. My Dragon Lady getup is on. Half my face covered by my mask. I take a deep breath before beginning.

"You see," I pause and shake my head as I try to process my thoughts and the feelings inside of me. Feelings that have felt like they have been boiling over the sides of a hot pot for a long time now. Since the Fallout show. Overthinking. Yeah my specialty, I burn my own self before I continue.

"I won't ever, ever tell you I am some perfect angel. Some perfect person who has not made a mistake in their life. I have done bad things, terrible things I am ashamed of. Things I would rather not say out loud. At least at this point in time."

I smile underneath my mask at Mameha. The woman never ceased to give ideas. Her little talk about the seasons had me on google yet again late last night. And after a while I found a short story. One I had read a long time ago and I can't even remember from where. But it was a meaningful story. At least to me, and I hope anyone else who hears it.

"I beat Euan Hill. I made it. Even if some of you might think I have not earned my shot. Let me tell you, Euan Hill did not just roll over and let me pin him. He made me work for this chance to be called a Legacy Champion. And I sir thank you for that. I wouldn't have it any other way. You challenged me, caused me pain, and made my body ache for days."

"I came into this battle feeling I needed to see the differences between all of us. And after training and running through a blazing fire, I realized I needed to look at the similarities between all of us. I need to look at the things that brought us here to this point in time so I could understand our differences better."

I take another deep breath as I pull out my phone to read the passage that just stuck to me like glue. Something I feel would matter to each of my competitors. I began reading.

"'An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. 'A fight is going on inside me,' he said to the boy. 'It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.'"

"'He continued, 'The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.'"

"'The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?'

"'The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'"

I let out a slight chuckle. "Is this not some real truth we have all been told so many times by those we consider older and wiser than us? Perhaps even things we have learned along the path we call life on our own through experiences we have learned were our stories and ours alone?"

"Elena Dedraca. After some research into you. I see me and you are similar in a lot of ways. My goodness, my mind is officially blown by how similar we think in certain situations. We even agree that we must make decisions and whether good or bad these decisions have brought us to this specific point in time where we now stand toe to toe."

"But there's a big difference between you and I. We have made different decisions that have helped shape the people we are today. You have given in to your anger and resentment. Anger which makes you see pain as an antidote for the pain you inflict on others as you try to hide behind your tough looking exterior. Resentment towards feeling you need pain to exist. To be. You have fed that bad wolf inside of you which screeches and howls. You have let it rule your world."

"On the other hand, I have chosen to feed the good wolf inside of me that screeches and howls to be heard. The wolf that is screeching inside both me and you to be let free. The wolf I have tried to let out and am still trying to every single day. The wolf you have quieted and you have told is weak. But that is not so. I have had to face my fears and hold steady to let my inner good wolf try to rule my world."

"Despite us feeding the different wolves inside of us, I admire you. You are a force to be reckoned with. A mother. A wife. A sister. You have a fashion business. A bakery. You have won so many titles. More than I could ask for at this time. And not only that, you came back after a severe injury. You fought to get better and I can honestly say I would have done the same if put in your shoes. I know you are going to be a great challenge that will await me in that chamber, and I welcome it. Let us see who triumphs. Even though I have heard you say you don't believe in good or bad. Let's say I do. We all have a good wolf and a bad wolf trying to claw their way out of us. Let us see who wins. The one who gives in more to the bad wolf or the one who gives more into the good wolf? Regardless of the outcome," I bow over my knees. "It is a great honor to go against you. Even if a title wasn't on the line. I would still be excited to fight you in a ring. I sincerely hope you believe me. I know a great fighter when I see one." I straighten my back and give my eyes back to the camera.

"You are not a brainless fighter either. Your words not mine. You couldn't be a brainless fighter with all the titles you have held, no matter what you may expect the rest of us to believe. But just know: I want this title. I want this belt. I want to hold it because I earned it. Don't put yourself down. Ever. If you do that, well it makes me or anyone else beating you seem not worthy, and you my friend are worthy. I see it. I believe it."

I took another deep breath than as I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. "I could drone on and on about Elena and what makes us the same and different. But alas she is not my only competitor. I have two others to worry about. Aiden Reynolds. Here is what I have to say to you," I say as I open my eyes to stare the camera down.

"I have heard the way you speak. And much like Elena, you have an amazing resume. You haven't lost one match yet since joining Project Honor. You have accomplishments. You have won two titles. That's one more than me and I congratulate you on that."

"However I have noticed something about you. You don't go one promo without mentioning someone's name. Dickie Watson. You admire this person. You give a lot of credit to them, but in doing so you forget about selling yourself. Honestly, it sounds like you have enjoyed a lot of your success not because of the arrogance I sense in you, but because I feel you are riding someone's coattail."

"Perhaps I am being too harsh to you. I promise I am not trying to do it to make you feel bad, but rather see something. Who are you here for? Yourself? Or someone else? Have you come to battle believing in lies? Or have you come to battle to fight for yourself and yourself alone? Depending on the way you feel… after this match, you may have deep regret. And no one needs to feel regret. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes regret can be with you forever," I say with wide eyes so he understands the truth that I am trying to speak to him and him alone.

"I ask you this, because I have an answer for myself. And that's it. I am here for me. To prove something to myself. To prove I am capable of doing extraordinary things, such as getting through people like you. People who talk too much to tell a story not about themselves, but about the people around them. Don't get me wrong. The people who surround us and help push us to be better and stronger, well of course they mean a lot. But you have made them the center of what you speak about. Why are you telling their story and not your own?"

"You want to be The Legacy Champion? But how can you be this if you are not trying to tell your story to us all? Your legacy? After listening to some past promos of yours I feel I know more about Dickie Watson than I do you. Perhaps you are hiding something about yourself you do not want the rest of us to know? I am not sure. But I am curious."

"I have heard you calling out people who won't have someone to back them during a match. Now I ask you the same question. How well do you think you will fare? Alone? Stuck in your little corner without Dickie Watson able to jump into the ring and save you? Not against one opponent… Against three others who want this Legacy title as badly as you if not more?"

"Will you be able to fight? Will you be able to breath without your tag partner there? I have stood my ground so far on my own in that ring with no one to call my partner. I see Elena has stood her ground and so has Matthew Knox. You sir, I think are going to be in the most trouble during this match. You are going to have to rely on yourself and yourself alone. I challenge you to do it. Make me believe I am fighting the man you claim to be. Aiden Reynolds. And not the person carrying you we all know to be Dickie Watson as you have taken the time to mention them so often."

"I sincerely hope your promo doesn't bring up Dickie. I want to know about you. Not them." I take another deep steady breath before getting to my last competitor. I open my eyes and say his name "Matthew Knox."

"The guy I misunderstood for a long time. The guy I still misunderstand even when he has explained to me why he is the way he is. The guy whose name used to make me shake my head when I heard it. And now, the guy's name I have come to respect when I hear it."

"You, of all my competitors I know the best. I have seen you fight a lot of matches now. Not only that, but we have even trained together. Sparred in a ring where no one's eyes could be on us? Remember? Pressure points?" I raised my right hand to the side of my jaw touching where I had once traced my fingers across his jaw. Long before we had become partners. It was nobody's business that me and him were seeing each other. I prefer the privacy. I prefer knowing I know him on some level no one else would quite understand. And I have chosen to bring this topic up strategically. To become his distraction. He would remember just how much I got under his skin that day how could he not?

I dropped my hand as I smiled under my mask. "I have learned a great deal from you. You have taught me about persistence. When I have lost matches, you have been there telling me to hold my head high and to keep pushing. You have told me to never give up. And if it weren't for the kindness you showed me even when I did not show you kindness at the start, I wouldn't have been brave enough to come to Project Honor and keep trying to find what I have been searching for a long time for. A life I could never dream was possible a lot of years back when it was hard to see through the darkness that surrounded me."

He would know what I meant, too. He was one of those seasons Mameha spoke about. He showed me love. And not some love I could get from Mameha or my ma. No, he showed me the love I could get from having a partner. Outside of the ring. He is my Summer. That long island iced tea that promised me fun. He is the swimming pool that promised to cool me off when I am too hot. The one who promised to make me laugh even when I am sad. The guy I would jump onto a motorcycle with and let take me anywhere.

"I will always be appreciative of all you have taught me. However," I giggled, "Matthew Knox, you have always known me to be a challenge. It was not easy for you to get to know me. I made you work to get to know me. And know, that challenge will be there in that chamber once you and I have a chance to face one another yet again, only this time the stakes will be higher."

"Matt, you helped create a dangerous woman. You have given me so much advice and I have gotten better in that ring every single time I have stepped between the ropes for a new duel. The question I have for you Matt… will you be able to fight the dangerous woman you have helped shape me to be?"

Time for the burns. "Your older," I let the words sink in. "Slower… angrier," I pause for effect as I tease him. "You might be smarter than me and stronger in certain respects, but you can believe me when I say, I am going to bring it in that ring with you and use all the advantages I know I have to the best of my abilities. I used to want to fight you so I could get a piece of you. The Raven. And no not the British Raven. Just The Raven. The Raven who ran his mouth a lot. What's one more enemy to the man who calls himself The Raven and talks too much? Never would I have thought I would be in the ring with The Raven and have respect for him. Not only that, but be able to call him a friend when that time came."

"I know you have been through a lot. I know you want this title badly. You want to be The Legacy Champion. I hope you know, I want it too. So I say to you this, let us see who can make the other submit. And this part goes to every competitor I have, will you be able to get me to hand that title to you? Or, will The Dragon Lady swoop in for the win? Let us see who has more patience. My money is on me."

"Now, before I finish up and let everyone go on about their day, I have to touch on something. Someone mentioned something during the Fallout Show. Something I felt necessary to bring up for this match. Something about heroes and what they believe a hero must be."

"Let me tell you what I believe a hero is. A hero is someone who can have flaws. They are not perfect and will never claim to be. They are the people who commit to doing things for others benefits even if it means jumping into a blazing hot fire. They embody what true sacrifice and selflessness means."

"They are the people that choose to give into the good and what's right, even when making the bad decision is easier. The person who spoke about heroes knows who they are. I am no coward, and while you try to spread darkness and lies around, I shall be here to spread light and truth. I shall be here to make you answer for what you have said even if nobody else wants to. Good day to you all," I say most seriously. After standing to my feet and bowing, I step away from the view of the camera and hit play on my phone. My theme song would play through, capturing the balcony and overcast sky in the distance. With that Mameha stopped recording.